How do you develop a "thick skin"?

you're welcome!

I wrote a horrible "In Defense of ____" essay and submitted it to a criticism website. It...got accepted and put up... and the critics were really nice, even if they did rip it apart. It was worse criticism than I had gotten for any of my fiction, anyway, so I thought reading through all the comments would help me take any future negative response.

But then a troll came in and I had a nervous breakdown. I'm really hoping that once I can come up with the courage to put my work out again (I mean, it's got to happen sooner or later, right?) that I'll be able to handle it...

I had a pretty thick skin when I started getting critique, but I definitely "thickened" it over time by realizing the following:

1. Not everyone knows WTF they are talking about.
2. Not everyone will "get" your story.
3. Not everyone has the same likes/tastes/aesthetic as you.
4. Sometimes, critique stings. Let it. Step away from it. Return a few days later and look for seeds of truth.
5. Check your ego at the door.
6. Nobody has all the answers.
7. YOU above all else have the power to take the criticism to heart. And you'll learn over time how to balance what is helpful and what is not.

Tirjasdyn said:

With every single one of them trying to copy Hemingway? Oy yes.

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More like Proust. Because they had to be oblique too. And write in bars and snark other people's taste in beer.

So glad I met many other delightful writers when I took classes in kid lit and YA. Way less serious about "art" and all around more willing to learn craft.

I pretend they're not talking about my work. I pretend that I'm actually there as a proxy for the real writer who couldn't make it that time and I'll just take notes and then take it back to the real writer who will deal with it. And since the real writer is a Very Good Friend of mine, I'll find ways to phrase it so she can get the good out of it and remove the sting.

That kind of distancing works really good for me.

RobertEvert: How does somebody who is highly emotional, hyper-sensitive deal with being in the public eye? Or can you? Can you develop the thick skin you need to be successful in today's writer's market?

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You have to, I think. The key is to separate your emotions from the work, said the girl who cried when she--

It doesn't matter. You have to separate yourself from your work. If you're emotionally attached, every crit is gonna feel like salt rubbed in an open wound. Every negative comment is gonna hurt. How can you look at your stuff objectively when you're bawling your eyes out, feeling like a failure? (My experience, RobertEvert. )

You have to change your mindset. You've created this product. Okay. You want to know what your peers think? Put the damn thing out there. Take the valuable and leave the rest, use what you've learned to make your product the best it can be possibly be. That's why you're here.

Slip a pane of glass between your emotions and your product. You'll see clearer. Emotion only muddies up the works.

Being trashed day in and day out by guests at the world's largest vacation property, all whilst having to sit back and take it and try to pacify them definitely makes my skin so thick nothing bothers me anymore. When you're cursed at, yelled at, mocked, and made to feel like a terribly person all because some selfish individual isn't getting their way, the skin gets thick in a hurry and you learn to let it all roll off.

I used to take critiques to heart and refuse to let people see my work. Now I don't care. I let them say what they think and listen to them. Because they do have a point, whether I agree or not.

I care more about improving my work than about ego. I'm not emotionally invested in sentences, words, or punctuation beyond wanting them to be effctive. And there is always room for improvement.

How did i get to that point? I worked as a photographer, submitting work for critique regularly, and developed a thick skin that way. By the time i started writing, receiving very blunt critique was familiar and welcome.

Tirjasdyn said:

College writing program. 18 students in a room trashing you every other day, while you're not allowed speak at all for three years.

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I had that--though only for a year and I could talk if I wanted to (I didn't). It was the most horrible writing-related experience of my life. I didn't write a word for five years after that.

I don't have a thick skin. Like Toothpaste, what I've been able to develop over the years is perspective and resilience. I'm much better able now to tell valid criticism from criticism I don't need to take on board, and if I get upset, it doesn't last nearly as long. I still find the whole waiting-for-reviews thing excruciating, though.

- Victoria

I've got a decently thick skin in general, but with my writing it wasn't always that way, especially not when I first started with intent to publish. I made my writing too personal--not like it was a wish-fulfillment story or anything like that, but more like 'omg I've put half my life into this it can't be bad'. And when I got an ugly (and spot-on) crit, it hurt a lot. It made me mad, too. But I was making the mistake of thinking I = my work. After a day or two to chill out, I realized my critiquer wasn't shredding me personally, but the product I had turned out. The product I could change, repair. Fix.

Once I realized that, thick skin followed. That's not to say I don't still feel particularly biting critiques--I still get them and they still pain me--but I've learned to look at them objectively and not as a personal attack. That was the biggest problem for me--realizing I =/= my work. I really think it's all about perspective. It's just my personality that I'd rather have one really spot-on, vicious critique than 5 rounds of nicer ones. To me it's simply a matter of getting things done and moving on, so my thick skin came from perspective, determination and my goal-oriented personality.

I've been reading a book somewhat related to this. It basically states that if you have a fixed mindset, you'll constantly need to seek out approval by others and protect your ego. This means that if someone makes a nasty remark about your work, you will feel labeled by the remark forever. You will not improve and give up on trying.

On the other hand if you have the growth mindset, the negative remark will not define you, and it will make you work towards improving on the issue. You will put more effort into it and grow as a result of it.

The book is called Mindset, the New Psychology of Success. I'm reading it because I want to go into writing with the right mindset. If I have to write 10 novels to get a good one that's fine because I will be working towards being published.

I don't know. I'll tell you when I develop one.

Actually, what usually happens with me is I feel really bad for a day or two after the critique. Then I remember to tell myself that it's not a reflection on me or even on my writing in general, just on that particular piece. Then I work to try to fix what's wrong.

Also, not all advice is good advice. Sometimes people just don't get your story. If you don't agree with a critique, ignore it.

Some level of success in publication would probably help.

caw

Layla Nahar said:

I suggest using the 1) term 'reader response' rather than 'critique'. 'Critique' implies that another is a kind of authority who can tell you how your work is inferior.

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It doesn't have that meaning at all. Critique is evaluation and advice from people who are experienced in the writing process. Ideally, they're people at the same level of development as yourself, or better, and the critiques may be reciprocated. Critique is valuable because most of us can't see the most glaring problems in our own work.

A good critique will not only find problems, but suggest how they might be addressed. A good critique will also point out strong parts of a story, and suggest how to maximize their effect.

Reader response happens later, on the bookstore shelves, when an artistically and technically competent novel tanks, or an illiterate horror suddenly takes off and makes a million bucks. A 'reader' does not have to be a writer, nor does s/he have to say why they love or hate a novel.

LindaJeanne said:

• Realizing that one person's opinion is not the be-all and end-all
• Realizing that no-one else is perfect either
• Realizing that you can improve anything about yourself that you want to improve
• Realizing that even if what's said were 100% true, that still wouldn't make you some sort of horrible, unworthy, pathetic person.
• Don't beat up on yourself about how you shouldn't beat up on yourself. It's counter-productive.
• At each stage of the spiral, you need to "fake it 'till you make it"

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Words to be cast in bronze.

Something I'd like to nip in the bud, if I may. Whenever these threads come up, I always cringe when people start in with the, "Toughen up, or get lost," mentality, or, they assume that all writers are super fragile and must be handled with kid-gloves. Some? Sure! But, for the most part, no.

Sometimes, there are assholes who act like assholes when they critique. Let's not forget that.

Teaching writing is advocacy in a sense and I find that I have to help a student repair damage to the inner writer in 8 out of 10 cases. Not because they are quivering masses of emotion, ready to jump off a cliff, but because they've had people with no tact tell them to give up along the way. Glad that many of them did not because they ended up being pretty dang amazing writers.

Whenever I hear generalizations that because someone is asking how to thicken their skin, they must be mentally ill and unprepared to face the world outside, I think of people who either have no tact (and need to blame someone else for it), or, I think if someone who just doesn't understand that there's a lot more to it than that.

I don't think I have thick skin. I don't think a writer has to have thick skin; or what people seem to mean when they say thick skin. It's important to let some time pass before doing something with a story, sometimes, so you're not devastated if it's turned down or criticized. I think the longer you're writing the more you learn you can't always tell if your story is wonderful or not very good, and that's okay. It's okay to not be perfect with everything you write, and you can get better. And if people are consistently unkind, stay away from them. You're learning, and growing, and you need whatever input helps YOU. For some, that's strong critiques, for others, that's the worst thing.

Basically I don't think anyone should try to be "thick skinned" if they're not. What a person needs to do is grow as a writer, learn, and keep picking yourself up and moving forward, in whatever way and time is right for YOU. Being thick skinned sometimes seems to be an excuse to pile unkind words and harsh "help" on new writers, to make them 'strong enough' to join the club. I don't work like that. It doesn't work for me.

Not everyone has to be the same.

I am just that way. I am a proud member of the no damns left to give club.

I simply don't care. If I get a brutal critique,I welcome it. I prefer them as I love when someone gets to the point and says,Kitty,this doesn't work,fix that,etc.

Now there are horribly nasty people who tear someone down for the sheer pleasure of it,as they have no lives and get a vicarious delight in hurting other people. I am not here for their fuckery and will cut them just as quickly and brutally. Two can play that game.

Unfortunately,writers will most likely encounter one of these jackasses,either in crit groups or writing classes.They are easy to spot versus someone who is incapable of sugarcoating things but means no harm. You cannot allow them to impact your feelings about yourself or your work. I know that's easier said than done,but you must master this ability. If every time you get a bad review or have a moment of self doubt,you descend into a fit of feeling low and the like,then writing will be very hard for you. Frankly,you shouldn't give anyone that much power over you and your work.

If someone gives an in depth,respectful and valid critique and you still cannot cope,something isn't right. Either you truly aren't ready to write or suffer from special snowflake syndrome. The writing world will cure you of the second affliction right quick. But the first is something you will have to work on.

If I get a brutal review,again,I don't care. You bought the book and I am paid. Let go and let have on my book as you please.

Tirjasdyn said:

College writing program. 18 students in a room trashing you every other day, while you're not allowed speak at all for three years.

Totally works. YMMV.

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Did you go to my college, Tirjasdyn? I was in a high school writing program for two summers, which was even more pretentious than the college ones I sat through. Also, once my desire to learn the craft bounced back after college, I became more honest and subjective about my own stuff--that I have a lot to learn and writing is an ongoing process and that weird boy in workshop who thinks he's Kafka is not the be-all and end-all.

Your writing is not going to be for everybody. That's all.

On a personal front, because I am one of those terribly oversensitive people, working retail has done wonders in developing a thicker skin.

I have been thinking a lot of this thread, and I think that in some ways, writers shouldn't have too thick skin, the emotions that come through in a book are a very important part of reading experience, at least for me. And I think that sometimes, those emotions can get lost a little bit if the writer has very thick skin.

At the same time, it is needed, because there will always be people who won't like what they're reading, whether they are beta-readers, critique partners or 'just' readers.

I think a certain balance is important to find.

Toothpaste said:

I don't have a thick skin. At all. But I do have a short grieving period. That's what I focused on. I think for some people it can seem impossible not being sensitive that they then think they should just quit. but it is not about not feeling hurt. it is about getting over the pain relatively quickly.

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I agree. As long as you keep your tantrums private and reasonably short, they can be cathartic.

However, I have also found that putting your work out and keeping it out is a great skin-thickener. Get a rejection? Send the work to a new editor or agent the same day. This is the equivalent of getting knocked flat and jumping back up again, swinging. Do this long enough, you've got to get tougher.

As for critiques, take what you can use, disregard the rest, thank the critiquer, move on. When you discover a toxic critic, one whose reviews are all about them and not about the story, don't seek his feedback again. If you discover one who's out to destroy your confidence and talent, run. Even if he's your father or she's your wife. Seriously.

And learn to be your own most honest critic through constant study and reading. Biggest confidence booster out there is to know when you've produced good work; to know, also, that you understand how to make it better.

If I trust the critic, I can take it no matter how much s/he shreds it. My work is a product I am trying to improve. I want it to be the absolute best product I can produce at that time. But... I have to believe the critic is on my side.