If I gave the name here, it wouldn't mean anything to you, plus it's dialogue and the caller does reveal his name in the next (fourth) sentence.
[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)
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If I gave the name here, it wouldn't mean anything to you, plus it's dialogue and the caller does reveal his name in the next (fourth) sentence.
I agree simple feedback would be good. Stating why they wouldn't read on. I honestly cringe when there are several paragraphs picking apart three sentences, unless the poster requests detailed crit I don't think it's appropriate. At least not for this thread. Thank you for your input.It's not just you.It's helpful for someone to say why they were or were not hooked; really it'd be frustrating if you didn't get something to give you an idea what's turning off that reader. But I skim over posts that go on for several paragraphs.
It's fine to say you'd prefer simple feedback, just to see if you're on the right track, or something like that.
Thank you I agree it's the long diatribes picking apart every word that I find disheartening. I can see a simple explanation as to WHY you aren't hooked but for some it's complete butchering and tearing apart someone's work. Thank you for responding.
Sometimes it takes more effort than others to explain why an opening doesn't work. If you don't find anything useful in a particular critique (long or short), thank the person who gave it and move on.
I fit into this category.
Words to live by, around here.
I've learned quite a bit from the facts and opinions expressed here by some quite knowledgeable folks. Being in the "more is better" camp, I'd rather have too much advice rather than a terse, "nope, sorry." I can always ignore what won't work for me. And my skin is "tougher than boot leather," as Rooster Cogburn sez.
However, it's perfectly fine with me if a person wants simply to know if their first three lines work or not. Writing is tough enough without the added pressure of critique bearing down on one's psyche. I have great respect for anyone with the courage to bare their soul.
Sure, why not? I find it phenomenally useful to hear what does or doesn't work for readers of my opening sentences, what confuses them and why, what feelings I evoke (if any) and where my grammar has fallen over. But not everybody wants that. Some just want a yes, run with it or a no, revise it. And that's fine too. I do like to offer justification for my own crits, but they're all entirely IMHO, and I'm sure I could rein it in if you wanted a response without a crit.
ETA: I look forward to reading your work.
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Slight niggle--if she has a favorite stool, that suggests to me she's a customer, not an employee, so I'm wondering why she's alone.
She's alone because, as will become clear, she tries to be first into the bar every night in order to prepare for her duties as the night progresses. Her favorite stool is just inside the entrance, in front of the phone. But is doesn't have a reserved sign on it and she'll give it up if there are lots of customers.
KTV loses me, and Googling the phrase brings up nothing.
That surprises me, when I Google "what is KTV" I get lots of info.
She snapped erect where she sat [awkward phrasing and unnecessary]
Both you and mrsmig have pointed this out (thank you both). My proposed rewrite, shown below, allows me to combine two sentences, I think. As long as the rewrite does not incorporate a comma splice, I can the move the story along to a new third sentence.
“Ni hao, KTV,” she answered crisply and snapped erect when the caller gave his name.
"I am Gee Chung.
You don't need to respond in thread to critique points--if you agree with them, rewrite your next version to avoid those things coming up. I Googled your phrase, "ni hao, KTV" on the assumption that the KTV was part of the greeting, and got no hits. If no one else is confused by that wording, ignore that part of the crit. If it comes up again, consider clarifying.
Hope that helps.
I'm not a big fan of unexplained acronyms in dialogue. I did google KTV, so I now know what it is, but would it be less confusing to your readers to start "Alone in The Moon Bar karaoke lounge..." ?
Snapping erect sounds very forceful, very painful.
Now that I know that this is a karaoke lounge, I'd definitely want to keep reading to find out who's calling and why their name has that effect on the MC, but it took too much effort on my part to discover the setting through google. So, hook, yes. Ease of understanding, no.
My first three are pretty short, so I'm already second guessing if maybe I should be saying more with the first three since that's the only chance to hook some readers. These are from the first book of a rural fantasy trilogy I'm working on:
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
I'd read on, even though not a lot of information was given. I don't mind a slower opening, and would read the whole first paragraph or two before deciding if I wanted to continue with the book.
There's a thread for posting the first 200 words (and they mean 200, not more
) in scifi-fantasy found HERE. And yes, I posted the link hoping you'd post there so I can read more of your story 
Writing is fine -- but there's no real tension here to drag me in. I'd read a little further, but unless you're about to subvert the expectation you've set out ("This was Bob's seventeenth time.") in the next sentence or two -- then I'm not sure I'd continue.
I'm with Tiggs on this one. Overall, I'm not keen on unsubstantiated claims used to introduce a book, mostly because the scientist in me is already demanding empirical evidence to back up "many people" and "most", as well as the whole once/twice situation.
Is there somebody who can actually say that particular phrase to the MC? As in, "My mother used to say that life can change..." or Uncle, or childhood priest, what have you. Something more tangible than the indefinable "many" would really help me to connect with your OC, as well as remove my need for arguing the first lines with the narrator. Otherwise, how many people have actually said to your MC, "life can change in the blink of an eye"? I've never had that said to me. And if it's only "one or two" for your MC, then how does he/she know that "many" people say it?
I didn't know about the 200 word thread. Thanks - going there next
I'd read on, even though not a lot of information was given. I don't mind a slower opening, and would read the whole first paragraph or two before deciding if I wanted to continue with the book.
There's a thread for posting the first 200 words (and they mean 200, not more
There's a thread for posting the first 200 words (and they mean 200, not more
It says I need a password to enter that forum. Ideas on how to get one?
I believe it's currently vista
If you go the long way round, via the Forums page, you should be able to find any passwords you need in the Forum descriptions.
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Hi boppa. This has a good feel and I'd read on at least some to see who's calling and why Hui Ying has this reaction. That said, I think it would feel more immediate to let us hear what the character hears on the phone and then have her react. As is, the third sentence is telly and distancing. Good luck.
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I know I'm new here, but I feel like this thread of "did I hook the reader or not" has turned into a critique only thread. So if I want to post my first three sentences I can just specify "no critique please" maybe some who post here only want to know if it's catchy or not but don't necessarily want their work picked apart? Maybe it's just me. Just a few observations I've noticed here. I notice a lot of newbies (myself included) come here because they are curious about their work but then get opinions unrelated to the original intent of the thread. I always read the first OP to make sure I'm posting in the right spot.
Hi Jan74. I get what you're saying (and I'm sure it's fine to specify "no critique please"), but I'm guessing most of us appreciate the details. Even those of us without the thickest skin (who also cringe at critique like you) still see it as worthwhile. Whether people would read on or not has to do with more than if it's catchy - it's the whole presentation of it. And it's useful to know the details IMO.
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This kind of reminds me of John D. MacDonald's A Dreadful Shade of Gold in that it begins with a narrative hint of what is to come. This kind of opening is fine, as long as it's a couple or three shortish paragraphs before you introduce the characters in action.
The shortness of the sentences is powerful, but I'd make sure it led up to an intense scene.
I'd read it.
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I like this much better than the original. I think the details need polishing but, as other people have offered advice on edits and rearrangements, I shan't. I didn't bother looking up 'Ni hao, KTV' but I've no idea what it means. If it is important that I know, please revise to make it clear. If it's a throwaway line that will make sense in the context of the full paragraph, it's fine as it is.
Hi Cindyt, thanks. The action doesn't start until halfway down the first page, sixth paragraph in. My para's in general are short, though, so it's about halfway down the first page. It is a sort of slow build, but that is the way I intended it.
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Hi MadisonWoods. This is too vague for me and it states the obvious, so nothing has caught my attention. It could be almost any story - I know almost nothing more about your story than if I hadn't read the opening three (I don't even know what POV this is), and really the story hasn't started yet (the throat clearing opening). I think the more specific you get, the more likely you are to keep someone reading (or at least to keep your intended audience reading). Getting to your MC straight off and showing us exactly what's changing is what has the potential to keep us reading. Your readers (including agents) will have a lot of options, so you'll want to grip them with your actual story from line one. All that said, there is some voice and flow, so that's good.
ETA: I think this kind of opening was appreciated more in the past (for a variety of cultural reasons) and an established writer may still get away with it, but a newbie likely won't be given the same patience.
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This is one of those openings where three sentences are not enough to tell me whether I'd read on or not. That isn't saying you need more detail or to start with three different sentences; it is just a statement of fact. However, I'm wary because I dislike statements of the 'Everyone knows X' variety. They always bring out the contrarian in me. I would, however, read on to see if sentence 4 puts this generalisation in context. If sentence 4 is you giving me more of the same rather than playing a blinder, then I'm out.
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