boppa
Registered
Why aren't we let in on the caller's name?
If I gave the name here, it wouldn't mean anything to you, plus it's dialogue and the caller does reveal his name in the next (fourth) sentence.
Why aren't we let in on the caller's name?
I agree simple feedback would be good. Stating why they wouldn't read on. I honestly cringe when there are several paragraphs picking apart three sentences, unless the poster requests detailed crit I don't think it's appropriate. At least not for this thread. Thank you for your input.It's not just you. It's helpful for someone to say why they were or were not hooked; really it'd be frustrating if you didn't get something to give you an idea what's turning off that reader. But I skim over posts that go on for several paragraphs.
It's fine to say you'd prefer simple feedback, just to see if you're on the right track, or something like that.
Thank you I agree it's the long diatribes picking apart every word that I find disheartening. I can see a simple explanation as to WHY you aren't hooked but for some it's complete butchering and tearing apart someone's work. Thank you for responding.If you want to specify that you only want to know if the reader is hooked or not hooked, you can certainly do that. I don't know how helpful that will be without some explanation of why they weren't hooked.
I agree with you that there's a recent tendency in this thread to pick apart and scrutinize every single word and to write long diatribes - criticism that sometimes includes way too much of the critter's personal worldview, rather than a more impersonal analysis.
Anyhow, set your parameters and see what happens. However, if you're worried that you're going to get nitpicked to death on nuts-and-bolts errors - grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. - don't post until you've proofed carefully. Basic errors will stop a reader in their tracks every time.
I agree simple feedback would be good. Stating why they wouldn't read on. I honestly cringe when there are several paragraphs picking apart three sentences, unless the poster requests detailed crit I don't think it's appropriate. At least not for this thread. Thank you for your input.
Thank you I agree it's the long diatribes picking apart every word that I find disheartening. I can see a simple explanation as to WHY you aren't hooked but for some it's complete butchering and tearing apart someone's work. Thank you for responding.
I fit into this category.Sometimes it takes more effort than others to explain why an opening doesn't work.
Words to live by, around here.If you don't find anything useful in a particular critique (long or short), thank the person who gave it and move on.
So if I want to post my first three sentences I can just specify "no critique please" maybe some who post here only want to know if it's catchy or not but don't necessarily want their work picked apart?
Slight niggle--if she has a favorite stool, that suggests to me she's a customer, not an employee, so I'm wondering why she's alone.I've mentioned a few little things that you might consider revising, but I'd read on for a bit to see what the importance of the phone call is.
After mulling over your helpful critiques for a week and a bit, here's my revised three sentence opening.
[FONT="]Alone in The Moon Bar, Hui Ying was settling onto her favorite barstool when the house phone rang.[/FONT]
[FONT="]“Ni hao, KTV,” she crisply answered the phone.[/FONT]
[FONT="]She snapped erect where she sat when she heard the caller’s name.[/FONT][/QUOTE]
[S]It reads as if she's a customer at first, and MarlyS pointed out why.[/S] [COLOR="#0000FF"]N/M, saw your explanation above[/COLOR] Agree with putting "crisply" after "answered." Also can delete "where she sat" for conciseness. I'd read on to see what's up with the phone call. It's getting there, keep going!
Slight niggle--if she has a favorite stool, that suggests to me she's a customer, not an employee, so I'm wondering why she's alone.
She's alone because, as will become clear, she tries to be first into the bar every night in order to prepare for her duties as the night progresses. Her favorite stool is just inside the entrance, in front of the phone. But is doesn't have a reserved sign on it and she'll give it up if there are lots of customers.
KTV loses me, and Googling the phrase brings up nothing.
That surprises me, when I Google "what is KTV" I get lots of info.
She snapped erect where she sat [awkward phrasing and unnecessary]
Both you and mrsmig have pointed this out (thank you both). My proposed rewrite, shown below, allows me to combine two sentences, I think. As long as the rewrite does not incorporate a comma splice, I can the move the story along to a new third sentence.
[FONT=&]“Ni hao, KTV,” she [/FONT][FONT=&][FONT=&]answered [/FONT]crisply and [/FONT] [FONT=&]snapped erect when the caller gave his name.
"I am Gee Chung.[/FONT]
[FONT=&][/FONT]
Alone in The Moon Bar, Hui Ying was settling onto her favorite barstool when the house phone rang.
“Ni hao, KTV,” she crisply answered the phone.
She snapped erect where she sat when she heard the caller’s name.
My first three are pretty short, so I'm already second guessing if maybe I should be saying more with the first three since that's the only chance to hook some readers. These are from the first book of a rural fantasy trilogy I'm working on:
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
Writing is fine -- but there's no real tension here to drag me in. I'd read a little further, but unless you're about to subvert the expectation you've set out ("This was Bob's seventeenth time.") in the next sentence or two -- then I'm not sure I'd continue.Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
My first three are pretty short, so I'm already second guessing if maybe I should be saying more with the first three since that's the only chance to hook some readers. These are from the first book of a rural fantasy trilogy I'm working on:
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
I'd read on, even though not a lot of information was given. I don't mind a slower opening, and would read the whole first paragraph or two before deciding if I wanted to continue with the book.
There's a thread for posting the first 200 words (and they mean 200, not more ) in scifi-fantasy found HERE. And yes, I posted the link hoping you'd post there so I can read more of your story
There's a thread for posting the first 200 words (and they mean 200, not more ) in scifi-fantasy found HERE.
I believe it's currently vistaIt says I need a password to enter that forum. Ideas on how to get one?
After mulling over your helpful critiques for a week and a bit, here's my revised three sentence opening.
[FONT="]Alone in The Moon Bar, Hui Ying was settling onto her favorite barstool when the house phone rang.[/FONT]
[FONT="]“Ni hao, KTV,” she crisply answered the phone.[/FONT]
[FONT="]She snapped erect where she sat when she heard the caller’s name.[/FONT]
I know I'm new here, but I feel like this thread of "did I hook the reader or not" has turned into a critique only thread. So if I want to post my first three sentences I can just specify "no critique please" maybe some who post here only want to know if it's catchy or not but don't necessarily want their work picked apart? Maybe it's just me. Just a few observations I've noticed here. I notice a lot of newbies (myself included) come here because they are curious about their work but then get opinions unrelated to the original intent of the thread. I always read the first OP to make sure I'm posting in the right spot.
I agree simple feedback would be good. Stating why they wouldn't read on. I honestly cringe when there are several paragraphs picking apart three sentences, unless the poster requests detailed crit I don't think it's appropriate. At least not for this thread. Thank you for your input.
Thank you I agree it's the long diatribes picking apart every word that I find disheartening. I can see a simple explanation as to WHY you aren't hooked but for some it's complete butchering and tearing apart someone's work. Thank you for responding.
My first three are pretty short, so I'm already second guessing if maybe I should be saying more with the first three since that's the only chance to hook some readers. These are from the first book of a rural fantasy trilogy I'm working on:
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
Alone in The Moon Bar, Hui Ying was settling onto her favorite barstool when the house phone rang.
“Ni hao, KTV,” she crisply answered the phone.
She snapped erect where she sat when she heard the caller’s name.
This kind of reminds me of John D. MacDonald's A Dreadful Shade of Gold in that it begins with a narrative hint of what is to come. This kind of opening is fine, as long as it's a couple or three shortish paragraphs before you introduce the characters in action.
The shortness of the sentences is powerful, but I'd make sure it led up to an intense scene.
I'd read it.
My first three are pretty short, so I'm already second guessing if maybe I should be saying more with the first three since that's the only chance to hook some readers. These are from the first book of a rural fantasy trilogy I'm working on:
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.
Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.