Play Cranky Editor (Cause the "evil" name is taken :D)

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Soccer Mom

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This is a spin off from the Coulter thread. Take a famous work and pretend you're a cranky editor and hack it to bits. Give lots of persnickety advice.

IE: Tell the author of the Bible to lose all the dream sequences and boring lists of who begat whom.

Feel free to tell Shakespeare to get stuffed!

:D
 

TsukiRyoko

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I feel so hypocritical doing this, but I couldn't resist. :tongue:

Harry Potter?! Harry Crackpot is more like it! I don't know what type of drugs Rowling was doing when she created this. Avadi- avadacababer? How do you say this? Why is she doing crappy Latin spinoffs? I'm should send this manuscript back to her with a healthy sprinkle of anthrax, that's what I should do! Let's scribble some comments in there... Load of crap... Go to mental hospital.... There we go, that should do it.
 

C.bronco

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Henry James, Portrait of A Lady

Okay baby, first you need a hook and I ain't feeling it. How many hundreds of pages can you have people walking around and talking?
Don't get me wrong, I like your short stories. Try not to take it too personally, but I can't see selling this one to anyone who has, or wants, a pulse.
 

aadams73

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Shakespeare, Shakespeare, wherefore art thou Shakespeare
Deny thy grammar and refuse thy purple prose.
Or if thou wilt not, be but published
And I'll no longer be an editor.

(I actually like Shakespeare, just for the record)
 

PattiTheWicked

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Dear Dr. Seuss,

Re: The Cat in the Hat

I can't believe you even submitted this crap. Like a mom would really leave her two kids home alone where some psychotic cat could just waltz in with his buddies. Half of this book is made of words that aren't even real. No one will EVER EVER EVER read this stuff.
 

Rachael

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Dr. Seuss: I do not like your works, Dear Seuss. I would not like them with a moose. I would not like them with a goose. I do not like them, Dr. Seuss.

Robert Browning: While your poems are quite interesting, and even cross the line as amusing at times, I'm afraid they're very hard to understand. Also, you seem to have some issues with your lovers... I understand feeling insecure, but I don't think that killing your numerous love interests is the way to overcome those insecurities.
 

Cat Scratch

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Dear Mr. Eggers:

Your work was neither heartbreaking nor staggaring in its genius. Have you considered reworking the title? "A Mediocre Work of Considerable Ego" has yet to be taken.
 

PattiTheWicked

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Dear Miss Bronte,

Depressing and gloomy! What a pair of unlikeable characters. Perhaps Mr. Heathcliff could raise kittens and give them to orphaned children, in an effort to show his more cheery and cuddly side. And Catherine is a spoiled twit -- let's make her funny. I know! She could write a witty sex advice column for the local paper -- think Candace Bushnell of the moors! Yes, yes, this would work much better. Rewrite, please, and I'd reconsider.
 

dclary

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Dear Mr. Darwin,

Animals what? *Evolved?* Methinks you've spent a bit too much time in the South Pacific.

Thank you for writing. Perhaps you should consider submitting your work to our fiction masthead.
 

Soccer Mom

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Dear Ms. Austen,

I'm afraid you will have to make some serious revisions if I am going to consider taking you on as a client. Quite frankly, your story starts much, much too slowly. All that blathering about women wanting to marry rich men. Far too much show. Drop me off in the middle of the action.

And where is the conflict? Might I suggest that Darcy could be a vampire? Now THAT's some good conflict. Vampire's are so hot. Start out with Darcy attacking her in the graveyard and go from there. I could sell that.
 
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BottomlessCup

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Dear Mr. Thomas Hardy:

I don't know what you consider comedy, but "Tess of the D'Urbervilles" is not funny. Hack.
 
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Mr. Patterson,

What can I say?

Yes, I do understand your perspective here.

It is wonderful to be able to read a chapter every stop on the subway.

I fully understand ADD people have difficulty reading "long things".

However, as your editor, I must draw the line at three sentence chapters.

You need to start stringing some of your thoughts together.

OK?

YOU

ARE

DRIVING

ME

NUTS

WITH

THESE

SHORT

CHAPTERS!!

And please - let me finish editing one book before you send me 3 more?

YOUR

FRUSTRATED

EDITOR
 
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Dear Mr. Tolkien,

First of all, the sheer magnitude of this work is absolutely amazing. We did discuss a figure of $3.50 per page to edit it, did we not? I anticipate going through quite a supply of red pens on this one. (snort snort)

Right off the bat, I see some major revisions need to be made. Hobbits? What the hell is a hobbit? Mr. Tolkien, I understand this is of the "Fantasy" genre, and I can appreciate that, but I have never heard of hobbits. Look, you have your choice. You can use elves. You can use fairies. You can use goddamn garden gnomes if you want, but you simply cannot make up new fantasy characters.

How about we settle on trolls? Trolls get a bad rep. We can make them cute trolls this time. And Gretydef Gauteuts is a terrible name for a main character. How about something cute like Bilbo Baggins? Nice and simple - easy to remember. Or perhaps Frodo Baggins? Adorable name. I rather like it myself (snort snort)

I must be honest with you, Mr. Tolkein. This fantasy stuff has limited appeal. I wouldn't go writing any more until we see how this first batch goes. And as for this dream you have of seeing your characters on the silver screen ... well let's not count our hobbits before they hatch (snort snort) Where on earth do you expect to find all these little hobbit people who can actually ACT?

And while we are at it, can you please tell me what the hell a Silmarillion is?

Think about trolls. Or pixies? Pixies are nice. They are friendly. I'm sure we can work together on this project. Please forward your deposit of 10 thousand dollars for editing services and I will begin at once.

Very sincerely yours,

Edith Baggins, Editor at Large
 
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I prefer the title "Hissy Editor" ... Nothing like a good hissy...

Dear Mr. Karr,

I have had the opportunity to read your manuscript "To Thailand and Back - My Fifteen Minutes of Fame" and I am afraid I must return it to you. You are about thirteen minutes short. Call me when you do something of interest.

And no, I do not know Orlando Bloom nor will I mention him to "the people who make movies" to play you in your life story. The idea of seeing Orlando Bloom in a mullet is frankly revolting.

Hissy Editor
 

Alan Yee

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Dear Ms. Rice,

I am your beloved editor. Why have you forsaken me? Your earlier books were good, stellar, classic. But no, after you published Queen of the Damned in 1988, you asked me not to give you thorough editing any more.

Have you noticed how your later books get worse and worse? And you get mad when your readers don't like it? You haven't been edited properly for 15+ years, and quite frankly, my dear, you need it. BADLY.

Okay then, let's start with some specifics, maybe, oh, The Witching Hour and the rest of the Mayfair trilogy. Excuse me, but 1,000 pages is a f***ing doorstopper? You could have cut it down to a reasonable size if you hadn't put so much genealogical information in it that bogged it down. Also, you messed up on much of the genealogical information, like dates, ages, relationships, and all that junk. If you're going to put in there, at least be consistent. You had a good story, but it needed less family history and a shrink.

Now, if you had just let me send you my editorial comments, I could have saved you from this monstrously long novel and the factual errors. If you think you're above editing, I'm afraid people are going to complain about your books even more.

Signed,

Annoyed and Pissed Editor
 

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Dear Mr. Sophocles,

I have read your latest submission, and to be honest, I think you need to address some of these psychological issues differently. The book starts out well, but I find your story development somewhat disturbing, even for a family epic.

I get the sense that you didn't get along well with your parents—your mother in particular. Unfortunately, I believe most of our readers will not find your ending very satisfying. Might I suggest reworking it so that your protagonist resolves his unhappiness some other way? Perhaps embarking on a long voyage, maybe killing a Cyclops or two, or even finding his way to an island paradise? Just a suggestion.

Respectfully yours,
Editorius
 

Bartholomew

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Dear Mr. Robert Jordan,

I have edited your "Wheel of Time" series from 5,000,000 words to 90,000.

I did this by putting the conclusion of the story at the end of the first book in the series and cutting everything else, as should have been twenty years ago.

Yours,

Evil Minion 22 3/55
 
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Dear Miss Hellecat (if indeed that IS your real name),

I realize you have a tremendous aversion to editors, but your publisher has assigned me to you anyway, and I do so hope we can be friends.

I will tread lightly -- as though walking on eggs. First of all, we really must do something about terminology here. "Throbbing Member" has been overused. So has "Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love", "Trouser Snake", "Herman the One Eyed German", "Package", "Love Rod", "Dip Stick", "Beefy Bologna", "Oscar Meyer's Wiener", "Thy Rod and Thy Staff", "Heat Seeking Love Missile", "Third Leg", "Luv Monkey" and several of the other terms you use rather liberally throughout this manuscript. Quite frankly, I do not know what to think or what term I might suggest you use in place of all these rather ...colorful words you choose.

Honestly, after I received it from your publisher, and once I got the stuck together pages unstuck, it occurred to me that your writing is possibly geared for a male audience and that perhaps a male editor might better suit you.

Therefore, I have forwarded your manuscript to DClary. You may expect to hear from him soon. Enjoy your day.

Sincerely yours,

Prudence Dear, Editor
 
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dclary

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Dear Mr. Cummings,

i
did not
under
____ stand
your poem
at
all
 

PeeDee

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Dear Ogg:

I have reviewed your submission "Horse figure, man with spear, wavy line wavy line wavy line, circle, half-circle" which you have submitted by mailing us a large chunk of your cave's wall.

While I feel that you may have something with this "writing" bit, I'm not sure that I found your story terribly insightful or unique. After all, have we not all heard the "ugg drags oog to cave for love long time" story many times, 'round the campfire as we eat Mammoth meat?

I have not returned your manuscript, because you provided insufficient return postage.

Yours,
Editor The First
 
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Mon Cher Monsieur Decartes,

I am currently working on your "Discourse on Method" and there is one point in the manuscript that puzzles me. I decided to discuss it with you before I made any changes. This thing about Je pense, donc je suis kind of leaves me cold. I think, therefore I am? How about, I think, therefore I know? Or maybe I breathe, therefore I am? I just dont seem to connect thinking with being, if you know what I mean. Of course, if this is a really big deal to you, I could leave it as is. I just want you to think about it a little. Then, while you are thinking, I am editing, get it? I can see this is getting me nowhere.

Votre Editor
 

PeeDee

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Dear Dan Brown,

Your new book, "The Bible," reminds me significantly of another religious based work I've read, although I cannot quite place my finger upon which one. I thought that the language came across as a bit archiac, and I don't think you handled some of the characters well.

That said, the story really resonated with us and we would like to offer you the chance to become a Real Published Author. We have sent your $1 symbolic advance in the mail, and we look forward to publishing your work!

Yours,
PublishAmerica
 
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Dear Mr. Hemingway,

I can hardly wait to recieve your new manuscript "For Whom The Bell Tolls" so that I may edit it. The publisher has informed me I should have it by tomorrow morning at 9am. By 9:15, it will be winging its way back to the publisher fully edited and ready to go. I wish all my clients were as easy as you.

Maxwell Perkins
 
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