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Silverhand

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Hello,

This is my 20th draft of this document, and this time, I think I have it right. I would appreciate any constructive criticsm on making this a superior query letter.

Thank you.

***********************

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms.,



I am approaching you because you represented/published [Title of Book] by [name of author], which is similar in some ways to my 139,000-word fantasy novel FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT, the first in an intended series.


FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT opens in Aryth, where there is only one rule that binds all real things: time must always move forward. When time suddenly stops, the gods are frantic; they send five champions out into the universe to locate the power capable of bending this rule. There’s only one catch: they don’t know what they are looking for—until a young squire in the ancient kingdom of Arsgoth, Areck of the Bre’Dmorian Order, finds out that he is...special.


In much the same vein as Tolkein’s The Lord of the Rings and R. A. Salvatore’s The Dark Elf Trilogy, as well as the movie The Matrix, FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT is a philosophical adventure into religion, life, war, love, loss, and irony. In this realm, morality is based upon the gray areas of limited mortal perception, good does not always prevail, and the ending is bittersweet.



With my background in the creation of over fifteen fantasy campaigns and involvement in a variety of fantasy gaming universes, writing a fantasy novel seemed the natural next step. Extensive research, including elective classes to fulfill my Associates Degree that focused on religion, mythology, creative writing, and philosophy paved the way for the writing of FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT and the sequel I am currently writing.



I have included a short synopsis of the novel for your information, and will gladly send the manuscript at your request. For your convenience, I’ve enclosed a SASE for your reply.



Sincerely,







Eric B. Fogle
 

zornhau

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Epic stuff!



Speaking as a non-pro, non-editor, and wearing my nasty hat, what jumped out at me was:
FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT opens in Aryth, where there is only one rule that binds all real things: time must always move forward.


Um. OK. I like the title. But, um, doesn't time always have to move forward in any normal universe? And surely other rules bind all living things. (Gravity? Entropy?). Humbly suggest you chop to make
When time suddenly stops, the Gods of Aryth are frantic. They send five champions out into the universe to locate the power capable of bending this rule. There’s only one catch: they don’t know what they are looking for—until a young squire in the ancient kingdom of Arsgoth, Areck of the Bre’Dmorian Order, finds out that he is...special.


The other thing which jumped out at me was your names.


Arsgoth: Run this past a dirtyminded 12 year old. (Are the local hoodlems called "Arsbandits"? When ordered a vessel from the native shipyards, do I ask for an "Arshull"?)

Bre’Dmorian Order: To my jaded eye, this screams "crap f'nt A'sy name". Specifically:
  • Bre' - Oh God. This author's going to make me learn whacky naming conventions. If the word has meaning to the natives, then why not in translation?
  • Dmorian: WTF? How am I going to prounounce this? Is the book full of other, similarly vowel challenged names? "Greetings. I am Xrkl of the Bre'Dmorian Order." Argh

Otherwise, I think it probably needs to state the main story question upfront.
When time stops, can a mild-mannered ploughboy... blah blah.


Godo luck. It looks like a great yarn.
 
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Cathy C

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Hi, Silverhand!


Okay, you've got some really good bits in this, but a little more information is needed:

I am approaching you because you represented/published [Title of Book] by [name of author], which is similar in some ways (I wouldn't phrase it quite this way. Better would be "the readers of which might also be interested in my". The same agent/publisher doesn't want a SIMILAR book. They already rep/publish that book. They want a DIFFERENT book that will appeal to the same readers. )to my 139,000-word fantasy novel FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT, the first in an intended series.


FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT opens in Aryth (Where is this? Earth in a past or future time, or a different world entirely? This makes a lot of difference in where the book is placed in a line/imprint), where there is only one rule that binds all real things: time must always move forward. (I like this phrase A LOT! Very grabbing! :) ) When time suddenly stops, the gods are frantic; they send five champions out into the universe to locate the power capable of bending this rule. There’s only one catch: they don’t know what they are looking for—until a young squire in the ancient kingdom of Arsgoth, Areck of the Bre’Dmorian Order, finds out that he is...special. (This is a bit confusing, but only a little. Does the book follow Areck as he's hunted or is it written from the perspective of one of the champions FINDING Areck? Give me just a touch more information about Areck. Is he unknowingly stopping time and has to discover/train the power within himself to right it, or is a bad guy stopping time and he has to fix it? Just a sentence or two more would do it.)



In much the same vein as Tolkein’s The Lord of the Rings and R. A. Salvatore’s The Dark Elf Trilogy, as well as the movie The Matrix, FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT is a philosophical adventure into religion, life, war, love, loss, and irony. In this realm, morality is based upon the gray areas of limited mortal perception, good does not always prevail, and the ending is bittersweet. (Comparing yourself to these stories leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I know what you're trying to accomplish, and it might well BE that this is the next classic. But I don't feel it's necessary to drop names when a generality will do just as well. If you just say, "Like many classic epic fantasies, FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT is a phil...")



With my background in the creation of over fifteen fantasy campaigns and involvement in a variety of fantasy gaming universes, writing a fantasy novel seemed the natural next step. Extensive research, including elective classes to fulfill my Associates Degree that focused on religion, mythology, creative writing, and philosophy paved the way for the writing of FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT and the sequel I am currently writing.



I have included a short synopsis of the novel for your information, and will gladly send the manuscript at your request. For your convenience, I’ve enclosed a SASE for your reply. Thank you for your attention, and I look forward to hearing from you.

That's about it for my comments. You're very close on this. I think you'll get more than one bite on it! :)
 

pepperlandgirl

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Don't email this to Miss Snark. She only gives feedback when it's Crapometer time, and the Crapometer is on vacation. She'll just erase it without response.
 

sirensix

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I have to disagree with Cathy C, and agree with the first poster, that "time must always move forward" is kind of a... well duh. Isn't that kind of the rule everywhere? And I definitely agree with the "When time stops..." beginning that was suggested. That would work just fine, and immediately thrusts you into The Problem without undue explanation. Ayone knows why time stopping is a big deal. You don't have to inform us that the natural rule is for time to move forward.

And yes, the multi-apostrophe, unpronounceable names are WAY out of vogue in fantasy. Go for 2-3 syllable names that are very easily pronounced.

Also, don't mention anything about your background. I read that as "I play a lot of RPGs so I decided to write a fantasy." You and I both know that RPGs are excellent practice for storytelling (it's how I learned), but the general opinion of these sorts of games is that they are time-wasters of the geekiest of all geekdom. If you've not been published, just leave out the bio. Hope that your writing and plot summary in and of itself can attract interest (the same way that it should attract the interest of someone scanning the back of the book and finding no author bio).
 

maestrowork

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I agree with sirensix. In fact, I think the whole query tells the agent that you're an amateur: Comparing yourself to LORD OF THE RINGS or MATRIX or Author X's books... selling your background in RPG, etc. Your story sounds interesting enough; just try not to bury it in anything the sounds and smells "I am a newbie."
 

sirensix

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Yuppers, I'd say start with the "you represent X and so your readers may be interested in my story Y" thing that you have (to let them know you did your research), then fill a page with the most tantalizing, alluring description of your story as you can in your very best prose, then say, thanks for your time etc.
 

MadScientistMatt

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In addition to the warnings about comparing it to other works -

Just what happens when time stops? Have all things been frozen in time? If so, how are the Champions able to go about their quest? Or have their been patches of frozen time while the rest of the world has time proceeding normally? Might want to explain what the crisis is in a bit more detail!
 

Silverhand

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Bre'Dmorian=Law(bre) and(D) Order(morian), which is explained the novel. It is one of the only wierd named I use in the book. :)

I will take the advice of removing the names. I was under the impression it was very important to say "my work is like this..."?

Oh, and I dunno how I can clarify this better. Time moving forward is only important to mortals. To God, time means nothing as he is omniscient. Thus, when time stops in Heaven, it is a huge event. Does that make sense? hrmmm...maybe I should add that?

Thank you so much for all the advice guys / gals!!

Eric
 

MattW

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Silverhand said:
With my background in the creation of over fifteen fantasy campaigns and involvement in a variety of fantasy gaming universes, writing a fantasy novel seemed the natural next step. Extensive research, including elective classes to fulfill my Associates Degree that focused on religion, mythology, creative writing, and philosophy paved the way for the writing of FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT and the sequel I am currently writing.
I agree with some of what others are saying, but wanted to highlight this section.

Yes, it is important to have credentials and experience. But first novels still get sold by people with a good story to tell.

Sell the story on its own merits - this part feels like reaching.

GL
 

Cathy C

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Silverhand said:
Bre'Dmorian=Law(bre) and(D) Order(morian), which is explained the novel. It is one of the only wierd named I use in the book. :)

I will take the advice of removing the names. I was under the impression it was very important to say "my work is like this..."?

Oh, and I dunno how I can clarify this better. Time moving forward is only important to mortals. To God, time means nothing as he is omniscient. Thus, when time stops in Heaven, it is a huge event. Does that make sense? hrmmm...maybe I should add that?

Thank you so much for all the advice guys / gals!!

Eric

"My work is like" is only important to an agent/editor when it comes to how to market the book. It's fine to say that readers of epic high fantasy would be interested. It shows you've searched your markets. If an agent/editor then later ASKS if you have a target market in mind, you can mention the names. But right up front gives the impression of an ego that the book probably won't fulfill.

You NEED to be able to clarify it better. It's the whole goal of the book. What MadScientist says is true. The agent/editor should get an idea from the outset of the RISK if the hero fails, and what's happening in the meantime. Even if you don't address it here in the query, you need to in the synopsis anyway. So, if time is frozen in heaven, what does that mean? Will the planets stop moving? Will God die/cease to exist? Fantasy MUST make sense for the reality you've created.
 

maestrowork

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You want the agent to ask the "right" questions, not the wrong ones.

"What happens next? I want to read it..." is a good question.

"Doesn't time move forward already?" is a bad one.
 

MadScientistMatt

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Silverhand said:
Oh, and I dunno how I can clarify this better. Time moving forward is only important to mortals. To God, time means nothing as he is omniscient. Thus, when time stops in Heaven, it is a huge event. Does that make sense? hrmmm...maybe I should add that?

Thank you so much for all the advice guys / gals!!

Eric

Now I'm even more puzzled. Are you saying that time doesn't apply to God, so God is outside time entirely, and time is proceeding normally for mortals, but somehow God's time has stopped, even though this wouldn't have any effect on a God that is not a part of time, and the Gods and mortals are all still able to act normally? If so, what exactly stopped when time stopped?

I can't make sense of what happened at all.
 

Andrew Jameson

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Mmmm...the way I read it, "there is only one rule that binds all real things: time must always move forward" implied a place where there is only this ONE rule; a place where nearly anything can happen. So the question isn't "doesn't time already move forward?" The question is: "in a place where there is only ONE rule...what happens when that rule is broken?" A more interesting question, I think you'll agree.

Anyway, since there's some confusion about the meaning, I think it's clear that this should be rewritten.
 

Silverhand

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MadScientistMatt said:
Now I'm even more puzzled. Are you saying that time doesn't apply to God, so God is outside time entirely, and time is proceeding normally for mortals, but somehow God's time has stopped, even though this wouldn't have any effect on a God that is not a part of time, and the Gods and mortals are all still able to act normally? If so, what exactly stopped when time stopped?

I can't make sense of what happened at all.

Madd,

I wish I could convey the entire thing in only a single paragraph :) My other 19 version of this letter were much much longer then this one, and they explained in more detail.

But, lemme sum it up in a nutshell. Time as a whole exists on both the Heavenly Plane(Eternity) and Mortal Planes (Mortality). No matter who a being is...or how he exists, time always moves forward. The problem is, God cannot realize his limitations, because limitations are a flaw. Thus, the gods do not recognize that time exists for them, other then the fact that they can move through the Mortal Timeline (sideways, forwwards, parallel, and backwards). This does not mean that the Eternal Timeline is not always clicking, which it is. This should be an obvious hint that not all is what it seems in Heaven, as I am admitting right here that my gods do have unrealized limitations. :)

Also, let me add that the gods see mortality as a farce. They are the ONLY things that are real in its entirety. They only recognize their own existence as pure reality, considering everything else a plausible proability that they, themselves created.

So, when time stops for Heaven (it only lasts a mortal breath), reality as known by the gods is almost unraveled, and their omnipotence, which is the foundation for all that is known to exist, is brought into question.

In reality, the coming of the main character has merged both the Mortal Timeline and Eternity. The effects are so staggering that I would need another 30 pages to explain them all. But, once again in a nutshell, time stoppage in Heaven manifests itself in the effect that all things known to be real...are in reality...falsehoods. Thus, the gods learn they can die...angels begin to lose their wings...time seeps out and starts to eat entire plausible universes...mortals can begin to see the future (out of the countless billions that exist)

Now, understand that all the really nasty stuff is happening in Heaven. (Well, other then the fact that entire plausible mortal unverses are being destroyed.) This is why the gods have sent 5 very mortal champions into the now unknown probable universe to seek the destroying agent. The catch? They have no idea what the hell is going on...and who is causing it.

So what is going on? Well, Areck has been born, and he is the Destroyer of All Things. Welcome to the Apocolypse of Heaven...as it is known in my novels.

Does this better explain what I am talking about?

How can I say all of that...which is a very very very clean and short synopsis in a single catch phrase? lol
 

MattW

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A suggestion - don't mention time. It comes through more clearly in your long explanation that it could in a short letter.

Instead, describe the conflict and the consequences more than the mechanics.

I like the concept!
 

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Quote: Areck has been born, and he is the Destroyer of All Things. Welcome to the Apocolypse of Heaven.

How can I say all of that...which is a very very very clean and short synopsis in a single catch phrase

Time has run out. The Destroyer of All Things has been born. Welcome to the Apocolypse of Heaven.

You just did. It really can be done. It's done for movies all the time, and most books.

Your job as a writer (one who is seeking publication, not the artsy side of things) is to make everyone else's job easier. Your query should make the agent's job easy - a quick yes in your favor because he/she sees in it something that will make the next guy's job easier. You have a concept or character that an editor can sell to his higher ups and/or marketing and they can sell to sales who can sell to booksellers who can sell to readers. They also want to know that you are someone they can work with - that you have done your homework and that you don't think you're the next (insert name of famous author in your genre here).

They don't need to know how time and gods operate in your novel, they need to know that time and the gods are at odds and the whole world is at stake because of it. if that's of interest to them they will ask for more.

A query is a sales tool. It's not a proper synopsis. Give your product a shout or tag line (or catch phrase) that sums up the conflict or reflects the tone of the work. Move to a sentence about the protagonist's role, what action he or she takes to try to resolve the conflict. What is at stake if the protagonists fails?

It really sounds like a gripping series. Best of luck with it.

annie
Luanne Jones
Heathen Girls (available everywhere now)
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Silverhand

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Maybe I should remake this thread? If I dont get any responses here I will, but wanted everyone to see the last draft as well.

Anyways, here is my latest draft. I tried to really take recommendations that were posted here and incorporate them. As per suggestions, I toned down my referrences to other writers. However, I left in Tolkien...and Salvatore as a referrence. Do I think I am as good? Nada. But, I do think that those two novels really represent what kind of literature I write. Both, on a very conceptual basis, use philosphy, war, irony, loss, love, theology, gods, etc etc. What do you all think? Am I finally there?

Discuss...and thank you



Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./ Agent,



I am approaching you because you represented/published [Title] by [author], a novel whose readers would likely find appealing my 139,000-word fantasy novel FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT, the first in an intended series.



To the gods of the world of Aryth, Heaven is the only reality; those on the Mortal Plane are merely plausible possibilities. But when time in Heaven stops for only the barest instant, the gods realize that something greater than them has come into existence—they just don’t know what. Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Arsgoth, Squire Areck of Brenly's ordered life is altered forever when, charged with escorting a royal messenger back to the capitol, he is sent a clouded vision of the man’s death. Desperate to save the life of the man he’s been assigned to protect, Areck first stops and then alters the flow of time, bringing forth a new reality. The problem is---in this new reality, he is the Destroyer of All Things.



Following in J.R.R. Tolkein’s time-honored tradition, and with the epic flavor of R. A. Salvatore’s The Dark Elf Trilogy, FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT is a philosophical adventure into religion, life, war, love, loss, and irony. In this realm, morality is based upon the gray areas of limited mortal perception, good does not always prevail, and the ending is bittersweet.



As it was for successful fantasy co-authors Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman, writing a fantasy novel seemed the natural next step to my involvement in a variety of fantasy gaming universes, including the creation of over fifteen fantasy campaigns. Extensive research, including elective classes to fulfill my Associates Degree that focused on religion, mythology, creative writing, and philosophy paved the way for the writing of FORGE OF THE GODS: THE LAST KNIGHT and the sequel I am currently writing.



I have included a short synopsis of the novel for your information, and will gladly send the manuscript at your request. For your convenience, I’ve enclosed a SASE for your reply.



Sincerely,





Eric B. Fogle
 
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Vomaxx

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I think it is a mistake to name-drop so much. The agent should make comparisons, if appropriate, with well-known published works. To me it sounds arrogant for the author to do so. An agent knowledgeable about fantasy might also resent being told that Weis and Hickman are successful fantasy co-authors. The agent would know that.

There should be a comma after"philosophy" in the fifth line of the penultimate paragraph. It may be an error to use the same word ("writing") four times in that paragraph, and thrice in two lines.

IMHO, of course.
 

erinbee

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Agents and editors are paid to know what's on the market and what sells. That said, I wouldn't name-drop because it's telling them what they should already infer from your subject matter and what the query reveals about their work. I think it's okay to say that the book might appeal to readers of X and Y (including the book already represented by the agent), but not "it has the tone of X" or "it is reminiscent of Y."

Why should an agent represent or buy something that has already been done? Believe me, an agent is going to ask himself or herself that question. Even more importantly, they're going to ask themselves why you're placing another author's name in a piece that is all about selling the product that is YOU and YOUR story.

Just my $0.02.
 
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