Comedy Cabaret--2012 Road Trip

Status
Not open for further replies.

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Pff. Poetry snobs. C'mon, Rob, let's go put extra "u's" in all their poems.

*kicks Angie*

hmmm...I may be overusing the articles in the first verse. Of course, I'm trying to emphasize the loneliness of the dog and the family prior to their being joined together -- one howling void, one hungry family, one missing note, one black beagle terrier, one gift. But that first verse is kinda overdoing it. Maybe if I split it up...maybe take out one article...

CassandraW said:
Fifteen candles flicker
german chocolate cake devoured
leaving a void
howling

a hungry
family choir
missing
a note --

one
black beagle terrier,
fragile frame
no larger than
the pulsing organ
beating against
my newly budding breasts

barking
grunting
snoring
a Baskerville demon hound
whimpering for home

my heart
A gift
engorged with love devotion
wrapped in
palpitating fur

Yeah -- and I don't need the fragile frame bit. Works better without it.

Can't really decide about the "my heart." I was trying to tie the dog and heart together, but given the imagery, I think it might be overkill.

What do you think -- better? Also, I'm obviously trying to tie in the dog imagery with my love and my family, but I'm wondering -- are my breasts too distracting?
 
Last edited:

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
To be honest, drop the 'love' from S5 L3.
Find another word.

*Love and Moon - 2 most commonly mentioned words in poems - and the last thing you want is a common poem*

(11 more to go)

Oh, that's a great point. Thanks.

Hmmm... how about "devotion"? It brings to mind a certain dog-like fidelity. And the sacred tinge to the word contrasts with the earthy sound of "engorged," bringing that surprise element Porter wanted.
 

regdog

The Scavengers
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
58,075
Reaction score
21,013
Location
She/Her
Any news on the new dog's name?
 

regdog

The Scavengers
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
58,075
Reaction score
21,013
Location
She/Her
Haggis isn't even here. Doesn't it figure, Ang. He's got a new woman so he forgets all about us.
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
*jumps up on bar with open bottle of Lagavulin*
*recites "Address to a Haggis*
*waits*

No, he's definitely not anywhere nearby.
 

kayleamay

I'm on the phone.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 29, 2009
Messages
15,143
Reaction score
4,250
Location
Vantucky, WA
I think I need to rename my dog because I don't think he likes the one he has now. When I call it, he just stares at me with his head tilted. Pretty soon I'm going to change his name to "Putdownmysocksyouspitefullittleshite".
 

Silent Rob

Riff-Raff
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 8, 2009
Messages
48,116
Reaction score
12,938
Pff. Poetry snobs. C'mon, Rob, let's go put extra "u's" in all their poems.

All your poeutries are beloung to uus!

Well played, Angie!

Somebody purchase that stripy thing a Guinness!
 

Silent Rob

Riff-Raff
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 8, 2009
Messages
48,116
Reaction score
12,938
*jumps up on bar with open bottle of Lagavulin*
*recites "Address to a Haggis*
*waits*

No, he's definitely not anywhere nearby.

Seriouliciously, don't tell haggis your address.

It won't end well.
 

regdog

The Scavengers
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
58,075
Reaction score
21,013
Location
She/Her
I think I need to rename my dog because I don't think he likes the one he has now. When I call it, he just stares at me with his head tilted. Pretty soon I'm going to change his name to "Putdownmysocksyouspitefullittleshite".

Well mine's current name is "Stopeatingthatpieceofpaperyoufool"
 

Angie

Shaddup and lemme think.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
12,217
Reaction score
4,273
Location
Not really here.
Website
www.tranquiligeek.com
Haggis isn't even here. Doesn't it figure, Ang. He's got a new woman so he forgets all about us.

I know! :e2cry:

All your poeutries are beloung to uus!

Well played, Angie!

Somebody purchase that stripy thing a Guinness!

Thing? Stripy THING?! You are no gentleman, sir! *slaps Muppet with a wet glove*

*again*
 

kayleamay

I'm on the phone.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 29, 2009
Messages
15,143
Reaction score
4,250
Location
Vantucky, WA
Y'know, working from home when the kids are out of school SUUUUUCCCCKKKKS.

That is all.
 

Haggis

Evil, undead Chihuahua
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 14, 2005
Messages
56,217
Reaction score
18,303
Location
A dark, evil place.
New pic.

Matilda.jpg


Note the mark of the devil on her forehead and the mismatched raccoon tail. Obviously Satan's spawn.

It looks like we've decided on Matilda, AKA 'Tilly.

*walks off humming Waltzing Matilda*
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
New pic.

Matilda.jpg


Note the mark of the devil on her forehead and the mismatched raccoon tail. Obviously Satan's spawn.

It looks like we've decided on Matilda, AKA 'Tilly.

*walks off humming Waltzing Matilda*


Haggis --

I LOVE the name. Totally love it. Wish I'd come up with it. Though I suspect you're not humming Tom Waits' Tom Traubert's Blues, as I am (one of my favit songs EVAH -- and the refrain does reference Waltzing Matilda).

*pops Small Change album into CD player*

And I love your new puppy. She's awesome. And the mark of Satan -- I love that, too.

And, oh heck, I guess I lurves you, too.

*dissolves into happy tears*
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.