He said / She said

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mr mistook

When writing long sequences of dialogue... how many times can I get away with a simple [He said,""] before I need to spice it up with something like [He furrowed his brow and flatly demanded,""]

I'm finding it tough to find enough adjectives and synonyms to describe HOW people are saying things.

Another problem I'm having is with describing facial expressions and gestures. In my current version of my WIP, it seems like every other line somebody is either "furrowing" or "knitting" their brow.

I've got a few more stand-by's like "grimace", "glower", and "glare" but it seems like all these are being way over-used.

Any suggestions?:shrug
 

maestrowork

Straight dialogue makes for snappy pace.

Let your dialogue shine. There's nothing wrong with he said/she said. Actually, it's preferred.

A common mistake by writers is that they think they need to do all kind of dialogue tags and use different words to do "say": whisper, bellow, shout, yell, murmur, cry, etc. etc. ad nauseam. Even worse, to use them with an adverb: whisper softly, bellow loudly, shout wildly, yell crazily, cry hysterically, etc. etc. Or "said softly" -- which should then be replaced by "whispered."


Only add things like "he furrowed his brows" if necessary. If possible, let the dialogue speak. You don't have to tell us how the characters move their faces or hands every time. Let the readers imagine -- if the dialogue is strong, they get it, without you having the characters act it out. It's not a play.

Usually, thing like "he glared" or "he grimmaced" or "he laughed" are noises. They serve no particular purpose than to "slow" things down, and usually they're cliche (how many times should a character grimmace or laugh in one scene?) After a few "furrowing brows" it's just silly.

If it's a LONG scene with lots of dialogue, I will probably break it up with some action. Imagine watching a movie -- you rarely see talking heads for too long. Usually someone either sips his drink or takes a bite of something or walks around a bit... but it has to be done "dramatically" and not just as fillers.

Whether or not you put these pauses, and where you should put them is entirely up to you. I would suggest that you:

1. write the dialogue straight, first... nothing but the dialogue
2. then read it over, perhaps with another person (your muse, your spouse, your beta) and figure out the logical pauses... mark them with a red pen.
3. play out the scene in your head or choreograph with someone... where are they sitting? What are they doing? If it's a hot conversation, what should they be doing/reacting to each other? Mark them with red pen on the ms.
4. now, go back and insert these pauses and actions.

For example:

"You can't tell me what to do."
"Yes I can, and I will."
"What are you, my mother?"
"No, but I should damn well be, because you're just like a kid."
"Oh, shut up."
"Don't. Don't ever tell me to shut up, you hear me?"
"I'm out of here."
"Get back here, I'm not finished yet."

Now... after figuring out the pauses and actions, you may come up with this:

"You can't tell me what to do," he said.
"Yes I can," she said, "and I will."
"What are you, my mother?"
"No, but I should damn well be, because you're just like a kid."
"Oh, shut up."
"Don't." She thumped her coffee cup on the table. "Don't ever tell me to shup up, you hear me?"
He turned to leave. "I'm out of here."
"Get back here, I'm not finished yet."
Without saying another word, he pushed open the door and left.

At least that's how I usually write dialogue scenes...
 
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Writing Again

Take out all the furrowed his brows, flately demandeds, brow knittings, grimaces, glowers, and glares.

Now break up the dialog with meaningful action.

Meaningful action is that which either progresses the story or shows character or demonstrates relationships or all three.

Both Reph and Maestro make excellent points.

To elaborate on Reph's statement.

The POV character should not be running around glaring and furrowing and stuff, not because they aren't doing it, they might be, but you seldom notice your own expressions, and your POV character won't either.

Nor will your POV character spend a lot of time noticing other characters every little expressions any more than you notice those of the people you are talking with, unless you are studying their faces for some particular reason or their expression is exagerated or out of context.
 

maestrowork

In general, true. You should describe something that the POV character won't see or hear or feel (that is, you won't say "his face was red as a tomato" because the POV character can't see his own face).

However, even in 3rd limited, the narrator is omniscient.

Bottomline is, the characters can smile, shrug, furrow their brows all they want and the narrator can report on it, but does it move the plot or show the characters? That's the question you need to ask. If not, then you're just cluttering your scene and dialogue with crap.
 

ChunkyC

All great advice. Sometimes you have to put something in to break up the monotony of the "he said/she said" ping-pong game. I try to look at it as an opportunity to show something about a character. In a piece I read once (wish I could remember where and I may not have it exactly right), this line followed a bit of back and forth dialogue:

She sat back and daintily inserted an index finger into her left nostril.

Does that tell you something about this girl? You betcha.
 

Lori Basiewicz

However, even in 3rd limited, the narrator is omniscient.

The narrator isn't necessarily omniscient, Ray. That is a choice the writer must make.
 

maestrowork

Oops, you're right Lori.

What I meant was, especially in the 3rd limited "rotating," the narrator is technically omniscient overall (since she can follow any characters, but only one at a time), but limited in each scene. Also, even if the character is not very observant (say, he's the absentminded professor or an uneducated person who can't possible describe things in literary terms), the narrator can be -- to describe the scene as vividly as possible through the senses, but it has to be what the POV character could sense.

That's why it can be confusing sometimes (I am struggling with it at times, since I've only written mostly in 1st person). The narrator is, technically, different than the POV characters -- the narrative voice and observation skill should be consistent throughout the whole story, even if the POV characters change between scenes or chapters. When there's only one POV character in the entire story, it's somewhat easier because the narrator can be as closely associated with the character as possible.

So Lori is right that the author has a choice of the level of omniscience.
 

Gala

Body Language

Mr Mistook,
The answer to your question is simple.

Practice using "said" as your only dialogue tag. Every third line of dialogue, insert body language or action. (He turned left; she took a puff; he stirred his coffee.)

Body language grounds the reader.

If you practice writing dialogue this way, you will develop your style and rythm.

Good luck.
 

mr mistook

Re: Body Language

Wow! Thanks everybody. This is all stuff I really wasn't aware of.

I've got a really tricky scene coming up where eight characters are all in the same room (party setting) chatting together. For two of the characters, everything they say has a double meaning, because they're trying to get a message across to C that they can't speak plainly in public. They can't tell if C is picking up on it, and meanwhile, C is secretly freaking out because he does pick up on the message, but thinks it's just his own paranoia.

So... to get all that across smoothly, without any head-hopping, and with sparing use of tags and gestures... is going to be quite a challenge for me.

Anyway, without the advice you guys have given, I'm sure it would have been a train-wreck of a scene. So thanks. Any other tips for group-dialogue (or should I call it octologue?)
 

maestrowork

Re: Body Language

Group dialogue (as in a party scene) can be really tricky for a book. It works for a movie, but for books it could be very disorienting. I don't know if I have any suggestions since I've never written something like that myself. Good luck! :)
 

reph

Re: Body Language

CC, that was one of Reph's masterpieces.

Thanks, Ray. Actually, it was a paraphrase from one of them.


Where does it say that you're limited to describing the characters' wrinkled brows and their sips of coffee? Doesn't anything else happen while people talk? Sure, it does.

In old detective novels, everybody smoked because "He lit a cigarette" and "He stubbed out his cigarette" are convenient ways to remind the reader who's talking in a long stretch of dialogue.

"I'm leaving you," he said.
"No," she said.
"Yes, I am. Now put the gun down."
"How about you put yours down first?"
"I won't. You started this."
"What are you talking about?"
"You threatened to leave, remember?"
"I did not!"
"You did so. And you bought both guns."
"That was for target shooting. You said we needed a hobby we could share."
"No way." He lit a cigarette.


See how easy that is, apart from the question of how plausible it is for a guy to light a cigarette while holding a gun?

But what besides lighting cigarettes might enter the POV character's awareness? Maybe a noise outside, or a sudden thought. The wind howls. Or he feels hot and uncomfortable. Or he notices that a picture is hanging crooked. Or he remembers that he's in this fix because his broker once gave him a bad tip. Any of these can tell you something about him, or it can add something to the feeling of the scene.
 

macalicious731

Re: Body Language

Thanks, Reph and Ray. I've always had a bit of trouble with the "in-betweens" of dialogue. Usually it's because the dialogue isn't natural, so later I have to go back and chop everything up... and yes, delete all of those "furrowing brows" and "smiles."

:ack
 

ChunkyC

Re: Body Language

A multi-character scene is tough indeed. I once tried a four character back-and-forth without using any narrative or dialogue tags at all and it took forever to get it to a point where I wasn't getting confused about who was talking. It was a great exercise in trying to get their different personalities to come across with only their speech to differentiate between them.
 

maestrowork

Re: Body Language

I have a scene or two where four people are engaging in a conversation. I find it necessary to use "said." But "said" is such a transparently word, you shouldn't be afraid to use it. It makes reading a multi-character conversation much easily understood.

Now when two characters in the group engage in a one-on-one, then once you established the speaking order, you don't have to keep doing the he said/she said. Only when a third or fourth person speaks, you'll need to do that again.
 

novelator

Re: Body Language

Well, I wrote a book about a war from one POV with no less than eight to twelve supporting characters--most scenes had multiple people when my hero wasn't making love to his wife or something. Hard work it was. Probably the most difficult book I ever wrote. My point in saying this is that it made other books easier to write. Three people in a scene? No problem.

Jerry whacked the table with his fist. "By god, the woman's using us again."
"She can't get enough of us apparently," Grayson said.
"I just want her to leave us alone."
Thomas shrugged. "Let her do what she wants, she's the writer."
"I don't care who she is--."
"Leave off, would you?" Grayson poured them each a shot of fine Kentucky Bourbon. "Let's toast her exquisite taste in choosing us as her example."
"Here, here." Thomas raised his glass in concert to Grayson, and both gazed at Jerry.
"Fine," he said, then eyed the writer through the monitor. "Next time, there's gonna be trouble."
"Bite me," she said and continued to type.
"She'll eviscerate you in fiction," Grayson said to Jerry, "the first chance she gets."
"You think I'm afraid of her?"
Thomas rose from his chair. "I am. That's her favorite line." He wisely left the scene. Grayson left his seat to follow.
The writer smiled, and when Jerry opened his mouth to speak, she shot him down with a keystroke.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Mari
 

pina la nina

tags

It helps too if the characters are different enough that they're actually people with a slightly different speaking style - not to be cartoonish about it, but everyone's got a unique vocabulary. Mari's is a good example of that - just from this snippet, I'd guess Jerry's just not the kind of guy to declare things "exquisite."

It can help eliminate some of the tags or at least some of the confusion of tagless dialogue. I know in reading I often get anchored just because I know who talks like that and who doesn't. Conversely if you screw up someone's natural vocabulary, it's very hard on your readers - who are left thinking, "Noooo, Aragorn would never use the word 'cool!'" or what have you.
 

ChunkyC

Re: tags

That was great, Mari. :thumbs I especially liked the "bite me" line, heheh.
 
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