Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

James D. Macdonald said:

Next entry in First Pages:



Okay, folks: Do you turn the page?

Click to expand...

I wouldn't turn page one, but I attempted page two and couldn't physically force myself to actually read the description; I had to skim it.

I loathe blocks of description, particularly when it's a description of blocks.

On a more constructive note, my main thought while reading this was why am I meant to care about any of this? I definitely don't care that a clinic or a hospital exists because I have no reason to. The characters, such as they are, make only fleeting appearances and then only to speak in that sort of mannered, stilted dialog beginning writers think sounds writery. It reads as writing, which is self-conscious and that always makes me uncomfortable as a reader. It makes me feel like I'm not in good hands.

"Morning folks, this is your captain speaking. You'll be glad to know I've wanted to be a pilot all my life, so we're going to give flying a try today."

Like that.

I'm not sure any of this was actually constructive. Let's try again...

I'm sure the hospital, the clinic (was there a clinic?), the snack bar, and the arthritic waitress are all very important to the story, but I've no reason to think so, or wonder why so, in what's been offered so far.

Characters hook the reader, not architecture.

-Jason

No page turning for me.

I don't know what's worse -- Mabel and Abe's stilted non-conversation or the infodumpy description that seems to have been lifted from a Chamber of Commerce brochure on the wonders of Weston.

Back on the shelf it goes.

When I have to force my way through two pages and reread words to make sure I understood they were "not right"....I'm officially crying Uncle!

differing view.

James D. Macdonald said:

Next entry in First Pages:



Okay, folks: Do you turn the page?

Click to expand...

I guess I am the different one, today. I used to live in the mountains of Virginia, just north of the Smokies. I know that location, or at least that location just down the road.

If it was a regional title by a local author, I would continue.

I also felt when drudging through the info-dump that there were bits of important data hidden among the text, stuff that would be important later, but so cleverly buried in mud, the reader would miss it. Maybe a piece of misdirection.

The example I thought was the blonde and buxom, but then fitted with arthritis. This made me stop change my view of this woman. At first, I thought blonde, buxom, she has to be in mid twenties. Then the arthritis made me shift her age to late 50's.

But if I get no action in a page or two, the author is trying to get me to stop and has succeeded.

No, I wouldn't. As the others have said, there's too much information given and not enough happening to make me care about the characters that have been introduced. If the geographical stuff is important for the reader to know, find another way to tell the reader. Even a map would help. (I rarely use them, because I don't like flipping back and forth.)

As it is, the blocks are too large with seemingly useless information, and thus entice the reader to skipping them.

On top of all the obvious problems (no conflict, no tension, uninteresting characters, leaden prose, lack of interesting detail in the description) the writing doesn't make any sense.

"Abe was a thin man of indeterminate age. His face was scarred by acne from childhood, and the inevitable tattoos, relic of Navy service, almost covered his upper arms."

Why are the tattos inevitable?

"She'd come on at three and the change from the late summer heat to the air-conditioned interior always made her arthritis painful, so she was glad of an excuse to get out in the warm September air for a few minutes before the five o'clock rush began."

This makes no sense. If the cool air aggravates her arthritis, why was she glad to be out of the warm air?

Also, the buxom/arthitis thing is jarring. Buxom blonde makes me think heightened sexuality. Arthritis makes me think the opposite.

The buxom, blonde description alone suggests this was written at least thirty years ago. This writing sample and the last one cause me to wonder what people will think of today's popular writing in thirty-forty years.

Sorry, Jake, I don't mean to defend this atrocious piece, but the line was that she was glad to get out in the warm Sept. air, not out of it .

Smsarber: You're right. It took me a fourth read to understand that.

Jake Barnes said:

"She'd come on at three and the change from the late summer heat to the air-conditioned interior always made her arthritis painful, so she was glad of an excuse to get out in the warm September air for a few minutes before the five o'clock rush began."

This makes no sense. If the cool air aggravates her arthritis, why was she glad to be out of the warm air?

Click to expand...

You are misunderstanding. She came out of the September heat into the air conditioning when she came to work. She was glad to go back out in the heat to sweep for a little bit because the air conditioning made her arthritis hurt.... I know...I am blonde with arthritis....

Well I'd still go out in the snow with no book under my arm if that was the only choice I had.

OMG..I see you are probably having snow right now ar at least cold weather. I am in Florida and our cold weather is 32 degrees....

Centigrade? Cuz 32 fehrenheit is water's freezing point, so it's cold EVERYWHERE!

But if you burned this book, you'd be warm.

Not that I'm advocating that, but I personally would feel better served by the dead trees in this particular case.

Yes, we got our first coating of the white stuff a couple of days ago. currently it's a chilly 26 degrees farenheit with more snow coming down, outside my window. I have a cozy little fire going in the fireplace, and it's toasty warm in my den.

I'll bet you poor folks in Florida are still running your air conditioners and mowing your lawns.

I have to turn the page. If in fact I've committed to read this book I have to get the jist of the story, which I have yet to glean.

The buxsom blonde remark doesn't go well with arthritis as I get the feeling this lady is fairly old.

The old cook likes her more than she knows.

Lots of talk about the hospital which I assume plays a big role in the story.

Bet she will go to Florida where our adventure begins.

Epilogue question

Happy Thanksgiving Uncle Jim,

Sort of off topic, but I was wondering, what's an epilogue? I know prologues because I've done those, but what's an epilogue? What makes it different from the conclusion of the story?

That's a good question. In a play it is a speech addressed to the audience by one of the actors concluding the play. I've always thought of an epilogue as a "summing up" of the story. Just like an epitaph is a summing up of someone's life, an epilogue is to a story. But that's just my thoughts on it.

An epilog is something that comes after the story. The climax has already happened. If the readers skips it, he or she already has had a novel experience.

Sometimes you see a "Where are they now" note about the characters. Sometimes something that lets the reader see the events in a new light. Sometimes a note from the author about the historical basis of the story -- HMS Ulysses was based on a real ship! -- or anything else that you like.

Or, it could be the lead-in to the next story.

Just reading Uncle Jim's latest "Do you turn the page", and I have to say no, I wouldn't. However, I have a feeling this is going to be some famous writer. It's not Stephen King is it?

Not any SK I've read so far, but I haven't worked my way through all of them yet.

Calliopenjo said:

Sort of off topic, but I was wondering, what's an epilogue? I know prologues because I've done those, but what's an epilogue? What makes it different from the conclusion of the story?

Click to expand...

If you read the final Harry Potter book, the very last part, where Rowling tells us what's going on with Harry and the gang thirteen years after the end of the story, is the epilogue.

And stranger, I don't think the excerpt Uncle Jim posted is from a Stephen King novel. The last one he posted was from a "nurse novel" from the sixties. I'm thinking this is going to be another one of those kind of books.

Jake Barnes said:

"Abe was a thin man of indeterminate age. His face was scarred by acne from childhood, and the inevitable tattoos, relic of Navy service, almost covered his upper arms."

Why are the tattos inevitable?

Click to expand...

My dad was in the navy and tattoos ARE inevitable. I don't know if they have too much time on their hands in port or what but my dad and all his buddies came back with them.

Would I turn that page? Nope indeedy.

I loathe blocks of description, particularly when it's a description of blocks.

Click to expand...

I couldn't have said it better myself

ishtar'sgate said:

My dad was in the navy and tattoos ARE inevitable. I don't know if they have too much time on their hands in port or what but my dad and all his buddies came back with them.

Click to expand...

My father served in the navy, and he has no tattoos.

I wouldn't turn the page either. Chances are very great I wouldn't even get to the bottom of the first one. No voice, no humour, no action, no conflict, no interesting characters, no nothing. And descriptions that involve geometry make my eyes glaze over. If knowing the relative position of these buildings is going to be important to the story, I will have completely forgotten by the time it matters. I want my descriptions served to me when they are needed, and not until. And then preferably in small, beautiful pieces. This doesn't qualify.