Internal censor is sabotaging me

midazolam · Apr 30, 2014

I don't know if anyone has had this issue or can relate in some way, but I've really been struggling with my inner censor since my book sold. I was raised in an extremely conservative Catholic family, and I'm scared to death my whole family is going to turn on me when my book comes out (it's not a straight romance, but there is definitely a strong romantic element at its core). In fact, in one of my rounds of revision with my agent, I cut the love scene completely (no sex, but there was a shower/nakedness involved). And she wrote back and said, "Uh, what happened to the most important scene in the book??" Oops.

I put it back in, and it's still in there, and when the book comes out it will be in there in all its sweaty, tense, sexual glory. To be honest, I love writing love scenes. It's what I'm best at. Every book I've ever written has been driven by a romance (with varying degrees of explicitness when it came to sex, etc.).

Anyway, I'm really worried about this now. I don't think my family will disown me, but I told my mother to please not circulate copies at her Bible study. I also warned them about "mild love scenes" (I've never said the word "sex" in front of my parents, and I'm in my thirties). They asked for a rating. I said PG-13 (??). Yes, this was a real conversation.

Any advice on this? I know I should probably just write what my heart tells me to write, but the humiliation involved is almost too much to bear.

Cathy C · Apr 30, 2014

If you don't feel comfortable "owning" the sex, you could try what I do with a few older family members (note: this works best in person.) Say:

"Readers keep telling me they like spicy scenes. I think it's pretty silly, but I want the readers to like it." Then roll your eyes. It's absolutely true, excepting the silly part, and usually the older person will either pat your hand for the "burden" it is, or will profess to secretly loving the spicy stuff.

Kerosene · Apr 30, 2014

This is one of the reasons why people adopt a pen-names, though you already told everyone you bought the horse...

If I was you, and you really want this (seems that way) I'd have more trust in the people in my life. If they do respect me, they'd respect what I wish to do and wouldn't think different of me because of what I have done. If they have a problem with it later on, I'd talk about it with them and have them understand why I made that decision. I wouldn't lie to them.

jerrimander · Apr 30, 2014

when I finished my chick lit, I warned my mom, it's got sex and bad words in it. she reminded me, she had sex a few times, and she was the one who taught my then 2yo son the word "shit." I realize my mom isn't quite the same as yours, but the idea is the same. your parents are adults. they've been warned about the racy scenes. if you wrote the book for them it would be a different book, right? but you wrote the book ultimately for yourself. stand behind it. be proud.

frimble3 · Apr 30, 2014

That's it? A shower and some nakedness? As a reader who once worked in a library, I'd go with Cathy C's suggestion, blame it on what 'the readers' want and let it go. Because she's right, they do!

Back in the day, at the library, we used to get a steady stream of older ladies clutching stacks of bodice-rippers (the 'rippier' the better). Sometimes, if we knew the book was somewhat more explicit than most, we'd try to 'warn' them. They only clutched the book tighter.

You've alerted your family to the possibilities, so your mother won't offend the sensibilities of the more 'sensitive' ladies at Bible study, but will allow her to suggest your book to those members of the group who were really fond of studying the 'Song of Songs'.

Then, I'd follow Will Sauger's advice, and trust your family.

KristiJ · May 1, 2014

Oh I feel for you! I struggle with this a lot. There have been many, many times when I wished that I'd written under a pen name. I had also warned family members that my latest book was racy. They all ran out and bought it, despite my warnings! My Dad wrote me a very nice email, telling me he really loved it. My brother-in-law couldn't finish it because it was in first person. Said it would have been less 'weird' if it had been written in third person. Mostly, my friends and family don't say much about my writing at all these days. Maybe that's just me? Right now I'm writing a Regency and it's pretty tame so far.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting to the point where I don't care what anyone thinks...I am a compulsive writer. I can't stop and I think it's past the time when adopting a pen name will do much good! lol...and Cathy's right. Readers like it. But I do sympathize. I think it's hard too...but in all honesty, I was just as freaked out when my first book came out and there was no sex in it at all. I hadn't expected publishing to feel so 'exposing'. The nice thing is, a lot of us are in the same boat! You are not alone!

Kristi

midazolam · May 1, 2014

Thanks, all. You've all provided some really sound advice here. I think my family will be understanding, and if not, I just have to accept that. My stories don't really work without some kind of emotional/physical release - to leave that out of all my future books to please a few select people would be shortsighted and probably fairly stupid. It's true that I'm not writing for them, and I never have (it's more important to me that total strangers and those cute old ladies like my book - family is a lower priority!). I just wish my Catholic guilt would let up a bit sometimes.

I actually do write under a pen name. I thought this might protect me a bit, but my mother has told everyone in her earthly orbit, so that won't do much.

Publishing is indeed very exposing. I don't use social media much for this very reason. It's going to be an adjustment.

RhodaD'Ettore · May 1, 2014

My pen name is my mom's maiden name... and i wrote an erotica... she flipped, "you put MY name on that!" lol then she thought it was funny it is coming out on audiobook! lol go figure.

she is devout catholic old school 75... i totally know how you feel! Just try to prepare them. Guess what.. they might not even read it. My family bought my book.. they still havent read it. so they might never know

Jules Court · May 2, 2014

I recently sent my mother and sister the cover artwork for my book with the caption "DO NOT PUT ON FACEBOOK". (Yes, I shouted.) I work in what is, unfortunately, still an old boys' club industry and being known for writing romance books with sex would impact my professional reputation. I'm paranoid about my real name and my pen name being linked.

T Robinson · May 2, 2014

Experience helps

Each generation learns their own lessons.If my kids knew some of the things their parents had done, they would be aghast. If we knew some of the things they had done, we would probably say, "been there, done that."

The truth is, unless you have a very good relationship with kids or parents, you never know. Everyone has things they would rather not become public. Based on what you mentioned, quit worrying.

Like someone up-thread said, write for yourself. If a shower scene upsets them, they probably need a boost out of their complacency. You might even be doing them a favor by expanding their horizons.

Internal censor is sabotaging me

midazolam

Cathy C

Ooo! Shiny new cover!

Kerosene

Your Pixie Queen

jerrimander

No one takes me seriously. Really.

frimble3

Heckuva good sport

KristiJ

midazolam

RhodaD'Ettore

Jules Court

T Robinson

Born long ago, in a different era