It was 1:59 in the afternoon on a bright, sunny day and I was contemplating slitting my own throat. The question was whether to do it at the cash register or walk across the store to get a good spray pattern on the intimates in women's apparel.
"Seven AM, waking up in the morning!"
My left eye twitched, but before I could make up my mind to escape the vocal hell the register beeped as my fifteen minute break ended. The light automatically lit up and announced to all the customers of Door-Mart that I was open for abuse again.
"Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs!"
Supervillains of the world if you can hear my call then please find a way to eliminate Rebecca Black!
No one answered my mental plea and the song went on. An old man walked by, glanced at my lit-up number sign above the cash register and immediately proceeded to walk three registers down. I turned my head and saw him beeline for a coworker whose sign was dark to begin unloading his cart, ignoring her pleas that she was on break. And if she refused to ring him up then she'd be the one in trouble with management. To make things worse, three other customers had lined up behind the old man, one of whom grabbed the CLOSED sign on the conveyor belt and tossed it away. Left with no other choice, she adopted the horribly fake Door-Mart smile and proceeded to be their bitch. Such was retail.
"It's Friday, Friday!"
I picked up the walkie talkie next to my register and said, "Loss Prevention this is Register 12 reporting a breach of policy."
The device crackled and a voice that could have been male or female said, "This is LP, what's the problem?"
"Someone is breaking the Geneva Convention treaty by playing this song. You know, the bit about cruel and unusual punishment."
The walkie talkie was silent for a few seconds as the Loss Prevention crew laughed, safely secluded in their office away from this nightmare. It crackled to life and said, "Sorry, can't do anything. But let us know if it shoplifts and we'll be right on it."
"It's stealing my sanity," I replied.
"Unfortunately this store doesn't stock that product. LP out."
I put the walkie-talkie back in its place and looked around the massive store, or at least as far as I could see. My coworker's line had ballooned in size and she seemed ready to cry. I looked the other way and saw two kids skateboarding over by the displays and trying to break their falls by running into them. Cans rolled everywhere and a little old lady in one of our electric carts was buried in bargain toilet paper.
"It's Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!"
With no one in my line and no management in sight my patience reached its limit. Quick as a thought my hand flashed up, pointed at the loudspeaker, and blasted it with a bolt of lightning.
The lights exploded and everything was silent. Darkness reigned in Door-Mart.
Someone screamed and all hell broke loose. Customers bolted for the doors with merchandise in their carts, my walkie talkie was exploding with the sounds of Loss Prevention tripping over each other in their office, glass rained down on the immaculate linoleum floor, and everything was sweet chaos. Time to call it a day.
Then none of that happened. In less than an instant the lights were back on, the customers were walking around, and the walkie talkie was silent. I took a glance at the clock on my register. 1:59 pm.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
I cringed and slowly turned around to find the manager staring at me impassively. She raised an eyebrow and said, "Getting off break soon?"
The register beeped behind me, the traitorous bastard.
She didn't bat an eye. "Good. Now, if you'll please get back to work then nothing will have happened. And one more thing." She pointed at the loudspeaker and the song began anew. She fixed me with a steely gaze and said, "I like this song. Best get used to it, Voltaire."
I winced at the name and she walked away.
"It's Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!"
"Fucking Timeskip," I muttered under my breath and turned around to see a wave of customers pounding for my register. As the only cashier on duty it would probably take an hour or more to clear this line again, all the while I'd be dealing with the dumbest idiots on the planet. I wasn't even allowed to electrocute them.
Such was retail. Even for a lapsed supervillain.
