Are Your Friends Jealous of Your Writing?

I've never understood the excuse of "not having enough time" to write. For the past two years, I have committed one hour every day to writing and churned out two 100K novels. To say you don't have enough time for writing is to say you don't have one hour of time to yourself each day, which most people do. I've found it's a matter of priority.

With that said, writing has almost never interfered with my social life. I write before I go to sleep on weekdays and in the afternoon on weekends.

But I guess everyone's different, and everyone works at a different pace. I still don't see how you could spend so long on writing that your friends feel you're neglecting them, unless you have very needy friends or are a very popular person.

It's a delicate juggling act, to be sure. I just gave up my second job so I could actually spend some time with the family in addition to writing (luckily on a position to do that now)

But...thing is, I know when I have time to write. And I know when my friends are available. It is not inconceivable to make sure the two don't coincide, for the most part. Now, I'm fairly lucky that I work part time (well depends on what you call lucky, I start work at 5am on a Saturday, and 6am on a Sunday, dammit! And I take that cut in wages...) But if I know my friend is coming round at X, or I am meeting them somewhere, I make sure my writing is done by then.

I socialise online too, and me and my hubby play MMOs - this is our time, instead of watching telly (we don't much) and we chat to our mates and do stuff together. It is also my reward for getting my words in.

It's a matter of time management. Hobbit is coming round at nine. Dinner is at six. An hour or so with kids, then an hour of writing should see my words done...evening free! Yes, if you work (or have college) full time, it's harder. But I give up other stuff that is 'me' time to write. I don't give up 'us' time (or try not to unless deadlines are involved, and even then I try to minimise the impact by juggling my time)

jjdebenedictis said:

Wow; judgey, judgey.

Maybe the friend is one who is being entitled and selfish? You can't really know what the situation is based on a single post.

It's not cool to come back and spit sarcasm all over the people who didn't see the situation exactly the way you did. More than one interpretation is possible here.

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Well I am sorry for being snarky. I don't like it in others, and I shouldn't have done it myself.

As far as interpreting the post goes . . . personally I couldn't see any other way of reading it other than how I did. I read a friend saying of another friend that they did feel a bit bad that their friend didn't feel like he/she was spending enough time with her, but that at the same time he/she didn't care. That all he/she cared about was writing. And whether that was okay?

I don't see that as a selfish friend wanting too much from a writing friend. I see that as a selfish author not wanting to sacrifice anything for the sake of his/her writing.

But it never occurred to me that maybe the friend was being too needy, and I thank you for explaining that to me. Because I truly didn't understand why so many people were in favour of the OP's attitude. Now I kind of get it.

However, I think my not getting it is kind of understandable as until I posted again, very few (if any) posters were saying, "Boy your friend is selfish". No, they were saying "Meh, if they are really your friend they will support you, no matter what." And yes, I think that's wrong. So I judged I suppose those responses. At the same time I never judged the people. That would just be silly to come up with character judgments based on a hastily typed post on a writers forum.

Nonetheless I truly felt at the time that most people responding were supporting writers selfishly cutting everyone out of their lives for the sake of their art. Having been to arts schools since I was 11, having been both and actor and author, I am well aware of the "all that matters is the art" mentality, and I have always loathed it. Thus I spoke up. And spoke up a bit too violently I think, with a bit too much of my own personal history colouring the manner with which I spoke. My years of frustration about something (which it turns out you weren't even saying) came through.

In conclusion . . . I am sorry for being snarky. Truly. I don't find snark tends to be useful, only provokes and obscures the point trying to be made. I stand by the content of my post, but not the delivery method. If that makes sense.

Again, sorry.

I really think you need to try and do both. Writing is important, but so is keeping up meaningful friendships. There's a happy median and you just need to find it

None. They're all supportive and wish me the best. I will admit that I don't talk about it much to them.

I wouldn't ignore a request from someone to be somewhere because I had writing to do, which is why I have notepads, my 'phone - with basic note writing function - and other things to hand is I get a great idea from nowhere. I have blown off RL stuff because someone was online that I would rather spend time with. I consider it to be different even though from the outside it would appear that the result is the same - that I would rather sit in front of the computer than go out.

Toothpaste said:

In conclusion . . . I am sorry for being snarky. Truly. I don't find snark tends to be useful, only provokes and obscures the point trying to be made. I stand by the content of my post, but not the delivery method. If that makes sense.

Again, sorry.

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All good, and I do appreciate you clarifying your stance. I sort of wondered if you had a reason to be sensitive about this when I read your post; it's good to understand where your sentiment was coming from.

Not to show off/flex muscles here.

The people in my local writing groups are like:

Inexperienced (YA and SFF youth section):
Tell me I have "boring" writing style
That I have a plot and a good setting, but my writing isn't special

No, they aren't jealous of my writing.

The Experienced say:
My writing has every rule in the rule book nailed down
It's simple, clear and can be complex without being misunderstood
It rolls, sometimes rhymes and keeps the reader pinned
My characters are some are clear and complex.

Yes, they are. But some might disagree that it's kinda stale.


So I'm split down the center here.


Other than that, my mother could care less. My friends like what I write, but think they can do better.
Go figure.

cmi0616 said:

To say you don't have enough time for writing is to say you don't have one hour of time to yourself each day, which most people do.

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I have 2 small kids, and now that the second one is closing in on 2 and has some words, I feel like I'm finally getting a bit more time and energy to write. I still don't have an hour to myself every day, but most days I do.

Some people really do not have the time, and it's also a matter of energy. You need to have some energy to write.

As for friends, count me in the camp of people-with-no-friends. Yes, I have a ton of family around, who I do spend time with, and a sister-in-law who occasionally wants me to help her with things or just chat in the middle of my writing time (naptime). Other than that my social life is centered around Facebook and baby-toddler activities, and all of those people understand the sanctity of Nap Time.

I have the ideal situation since I have no RL friends and all my friends are right here at AW. They never ask me to go anywhere - and - I'm as jealous of their writing as they are of mine. It's perfect!

for me, friends > writing. By far.

I could live without writing. Don't think I could live/life would be worth living without friends.

Thankfully though, I'm almost never in the position to have to sacrifice one for the other.

And incidentally, if I had a friend who blew me off to write, I might be a bit annoyed (depending on the situation--is this the way the person makes a living? Does he have a deadline? Did the person offer to reschedule/suggest a time/day that would be better?) If the person routinely bailed on plans already made (or declined to hang out without suggesting a better day/time) in order to write (and not because of a looming deadline/need to put food on the table) then, what I'd say is this:

I place a greater value on real people than imaginary people and I expect the same from my friends. I can understand wanting some time to yourself. But since this is a consistent thing, and you aren't making any real effort to maintain our relationship, then what you're effectively telling me is "I'm really not that interested in being your friend." In which case, toodles!

KellyAssauer said:

I have the ideal situation since I have no RL friends and all my friends are right here at AW. They never ask me to go anywhere - and - I'm as jealous of their writing as they are of mine. It's perfect!

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Mr. Anonymous said:

And incidentally, if I had a friend who blew me off to write, I might be a bit annoyed

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Whether I was annoyed or not in this situation would depend on whether or not I was attracted to said friend.

Ohh, by "blowing off" you mean...

In real life, I have no friends. Haven't had any real friends, the kind you can share anything with, in about 30+ years. The last group of "friends" I had were college drinking pals and I lost those about the time I got married.

As far as writing and socializing, I've become increasingly reclusive over the years, but I do make time for my family, maybe too much. I don't have the self-will to go, "I'm trying to write! Leave me alone." So instead, I wait until they're all asleep and then I write. So I get about 5 hours of sleep a day and I'm pretty crabby.

CrastersBabies said:

(and some that are not so important, like taking 3 hours to see "The Avengers!").

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This sentence is illogical.

The Avengers = Very Important.

swvaughn said:

The Avengers = Very Important.

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I saw this yesterday. It put a smile on my face for 2 hours. So I think it was crucial this week.

That time wasn't time I would otherwise use writing. I was with my son who is special needs and requires full time care. Anyone who can't be my friend via online is no longer my friend. Apparently some here find that selfish that I did that rather than make time for them. Eh, I accept no judgement from somone not living my life.

I don't understand those who don't understand people having no time to write. Some like me can go days where I don't have time to sleep or sit and eat, so i'm not likly to have time those days to write. When my son isn't here I have to get all the things I can't do with him done. Like shopping, cleaning, appointments, meetings with his team, dentist, doctor, things for my dad who is aging and not in great health. I have become a recluse over the years.

My son doesn't sleep much, so then neither do I. Sometimes I do forgo the time he does to write instead of sleep. That is me making time. I don't watch tv, or socialize without my son. I'm doing this vastly without family help. No one steps in to give me a break and my partner works away from home. He occasionally gives me a few hours but is increasingly jealous of my writing and that is putting pressure on the relationship. I'm jealous of all his free evenings after work. Those few hours a week(which I don't always get) are the only thing keeping me sane. I need that time to pour myself into a page more than I need to maintain friendships where I can't be selfish for that short space of time. I don't want to spend that precious time explaining how hard my days are or listening to someone complaining about their kid doing stuff most kids do when I've spent the morning cleaning my son's shit off the bathroom wall, floor, door... I want to take that time to clear thoughts from my head or escape to another, better world. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. Rather an alive bad person than stick my head in an oven. I even gave up my job last year, because it came to a point I couldn't fit everything in and it was the job or writing had to go. I was only in the office 17 hours a week at that point and a good portion of that time ended up sucked up with caring, but still, I don't regret it.

My best friend is also family and she totally understands, which is probably why she is my best friend. If i say I can't see her, she accepts it without question and I don't have to worry about making up excuses she'll understand. I understand when she doesn't have time either. We don't pretend to make time that isn't there and unlike my friend growing up, I can take my son with me without her getting weird around him or judgemental, or worse, relieved it's me and not them.

I wouldn't be writing instead of here either before someone suggests this could have added to my wordcount. I see here as part of my writing life. Keeping up with publishing, blogging, reading, it's all part of those few hours a week. Writing equals sanity for me and so yeah, I have no problem foregoing social or family events if it's a choice between that and writing.

I've learned, through hard work, and to my great relief, to understand that I am me and my friends are themselves. If a friend (relative, lover) says, "when you do X, I feel Y," it is only my job to listen to that. It is not my job to feel it for them or "solve" their feeling. It's not my job to psychoanalyze them. I look for friends who are equally as adult, respectful, and healthy. Sounds like your friend was being an adult, saying, in effect, "when you get like this, I miss your company." That's sweet, actually, but it requires no action whatsoever from you. (I might have said. "That's sweet. I look forward to being past this task and having more time with you, too." )

When we start changing our lives to answer requests that our intimates never made, lots goes wrong. We guess wrong, and no one ends up happier. We resent them for "manipulating" us (even when they weren't!) We get unhealthily, codependently intertwined and our relationships are all crappy and dysfunctional, and that spreads unhappiness out into the world.

Sometimes, it's good to have conversations with family or friends about this: Writing is not 9-5, and most people think in 9-5 terms. Writers get into phases where they are drafting or have multiple projects and they are utterly engaged and not physically or emotionally available any time during the week. It's like having a phase at a 9 to 5 job where you're putting in loads of overtime; this happens to most people from time to time. Writing is cooler than straight jobs, though, in that there are also phases where you're working only an hour a day and you have oodles of time and energy for others. So it all balances out over any given year, and it's good for people to understand that it does.

Toothpaste said:

Well I am sorry for being snarky. I don't like it in others, and I shouldn't have done it myself.

As far as interpreting the post goes . . . personally I couldn't see any other way of reading it other than how I did. I read a friend saying of another friend that they did feel a bit bad that their friend didn't feel like he/she was spending enough time with her, but that at the same time he/she didn't care. That all he/she cared about was writing. And whether that was okay?

I don't see that as a selfish friend wanting too much from a writing friend. I see that as a selfish author not wanting to sacrifice anything for the sake of his/her writing.

But it never occurred to me that maybe the friend was being too needy, and I thank you for explaining that to me. Because I truly didn't understand why so many people were in favour of the OP's attitude. Now I kind of get it.

However, I think my not getting it is kind of understandable as until I posted again, very few (if any) posters were saying, "Boy your friend is selfish". No, they were saying "Meh, if they are really your friend they will support you, no matter what." And yes, I think that's wrong. So I judged I suppose those responses. At the same time I never judged the people. That would just be silly to come up with character judgments based on a hastily typed post on a writers forum.

Nonetheless I truly felt at the time that most people responding were supporting writers selfishly cutting everyone out of their lives for the sake of their art. Having been to arts schools since I was 11, having been both and actor and author, I am well aware of the "all that matters is the art" mentality, and I have always loathed it. Thus I spoke up. And spoke up a bit too violently I think, with a bit too much of my own personal history colouring the manner with which I spoke. My years of frustration about something (which it turns out you weren't even saying) came through.

In conclusion . . . I am sorry for being snarky. Truly. I don't find snark tends to be useful, only provokes and obscures the point trying to be made. I stand by the content of my post, but not the delivery method. If that makes sense.

Again, sorry.

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I think you're being a little hard on yourself. I actually agree with you. I've been in relationships where it's all give give give on my end and nothing from the other person. That's when you weed your garden and find people who will respect and treasure you as a friend.

Sure, I've had friends get a little weird sometimes when I've gone the way of the hermit for a few months (due to mild depression or schoolwork or even writing), but when a few of them did a mini intervention and asked "what's up?" I realized how my absence impacted them. They wanted some form of communication. Updates. A phone call here and there, even during the hard times.

I think a lot of us, artists, grow into a place where we think we have to do everything by ourselves. Let's face it, if you're writing, you're a perfectionist on SOME level. It took my friend-intervention to realize that I did have support there and that I didn't have to do some of this alone.

Besides, if you are going to write professionally, you sure as heck better find a way to juggle life and work here. If you are young and struggling with this sort of thing, then it's a good time to find your groove, to muddle your way through and figure out what works for you. But, it's also something to keep in the back of your mind that even the BFFs are going to start getting pissed if you blow them off over and over because you'd always rather be writing.

swvaughn said:

This sentence is illogical.

The Avengers = Very Important.

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I know. I reread that comment and thought, "WTF was I thinking in writing that?!" Avengers are so important that it needs to be seen again soon. And again!

I have learned how much I do need my friends, and making time for them around my writing projects is something of a struggle. Most know I'm a writer, and accept this - and encourage me to get out more, which is good. Right now I'm balancing my writing a book, with writing a full-time blog for my livelihood, with an exercise schedule where I go to the gym (and where I have made a friend or two as I've gone, which helps.)

I've learned that those friend time-outs and the exercise time outs aren't just important, they make me a better writer. The brain can't just write all the time - you don't even realize how much you've malnourished your inner life until you look back on your work and with horror you don't have themes, you have ruts.

So far what I've taken to doing is writing first thing in the morning - revision work, right now - then writing a bit at night, more revision work and one page on a new work. The rest of the day, I blog, I live my life, I take care of laundry and dishes, I go for walks, and when possible I schedule a date with a friend. Right now my struggle is just as much making the time for them as it is getting to them - I'm on mass transit most of the time because I share a car with my partner. This limits when/where I can see friends, and getting together is always a challenge.

I have had problems in the past with friends actively disrespecting my writing schedule. Every single time it was another friend that writes, who felt stuck in his/her work, and so decided to pester me. This is why I am strict about phone calls, emails and texts. But I also work hard to be reliable in following up with people. Yes, friends dwindle as you get older - the friendships that last 20 years or more, or from childhood, are rare creatures - but even though most of are friends are passing, they matter. They make us better people and better writers, and yes, they sometimes give us reason to practice setting boundaries.

randi.lee said:

First off, I thank all of you who weighed in on this.

Second, I have to say I'm a bit annoyed by the "you're not giving you're only taking" comments. You have no idea how much I do give.

I am an EXTREMELY generous person. I bake cake or brownies for my co-workers once per week. I constantly lend money to people without expecting to be paid back and I make an huge, huge deal about birthdays and parties for people when no one else does. I change tires in the pouring rain. I listen to people when they need to cry. I nannied for a friend for half of a summer for free.

Do you know what I get in return from these people? I'm never paid back nor am I lent money when I need it. I don't even get a thank you for baking but when I don't do it I get flack. And has anyone ever celebrated me in return? I'm lucky if I get a happy birthday text. When I was an extrovert and I went out every day...well, those people I went out with every day turned on me, called me names, and made my life a living hell. One even ran over my mailbox.

Thanks for the snarkiness, and I'm not being sarcastic. I think it answered my question for me. I don't make time for people because I am constantly being burned by those people. Whereas writing is always there for me.

Really, thank you. You've made me think and when I think about it I have the exact answer: I don't trust the people who call me friend because they don't act like friends.

I retract my question. Again- thanks, and I'm not being sarcastic. I mean it. This was an eye opening thread.

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Not sure how this isn't snarky? I'm sorry that you're dealing with assholes who claim to be friends, but, none of this was mentioned in the original post? Nobody had this context. Now that they do, they might have other things to say.

Regardless, I think the "evolved" topic is a valid one in that people can begin to ignore their lives in lieu of writing. I would say that the responses were, "well, we don't have all the facts here, but we can create a hypothetical and address it generally."

Most of my friends ARE writers. I live in a vibrant writing community. The circle I belong to is almost 400 people strong. We socialize all the time. We have this once a month lunch meeting that we very sneakily call "Writers & Editors Who Lunch" WEWL for short. Guess what...we pig out on Asian food and don't talk much about writing. (-: We are all very close...we celebrate each others' launches and readings, etc. Most of our social outings are writing related...but quite a few are not. And spouses are included...and we don't cut them out of conversation by talking about writing.

My writing doesn't really interfere with anything. My schedule is 4:30am-5:30am daily...and then the marathons I take part in.

I have the best of circumstances. Writing has actually MADE ME more social.

People who are all take and no give are not people you need in your life, whether they're family or "friends." A fair exchange is as much a part of each social contract as it is of business contracts, "fair" to be decided by the participants.

If you do find your associates are unfair, hence not friends, new friends are in order. Until they come along, I wouldn't blame you for preferring writing.

Friends can come in different categories. I'm not the type of friend who wants to hang out. I can't remember the last time I did, actually. That said, when a friend is in a crisis or emergency situation, I am always the first they call because out of all the people they know, I'll happily help them out of a jam.

If they are feeling lonely want to go to a movie and dinner? Nope. Not interested. They can call upon someone else, and they do.

In the beginning stages of a friendship, I do get complaints. Over time they realize that things aren't going to change and they have to make a decision. Those that choose to "leave" the relationship always come back because they eventually see the value in a person who will stay with them for a week when a parent dies or will let them borrow her car when their car is in the shop. So yeah, I'm not a good "hang out" friend, but I extend myself when needed, and do so with an open heart.