Are Your Friends Jealous of Your Writing?

randi.lee · May 6, 2012

When I ask if your friends are jealous of your writing, what I'm really asking is if they're upset by your writing schedule.

I'm working on editing one WIP and writing its sequel. With the amount of work this involves, I've allowed my social life to get swept under the rug. Instead of going to a party I'd much rather work on chapter seven. Instead of playing Softball on Wednesday nights I am playing "How can I replace 'was' this time?" Basically, I lack the inclination to do anything but write.

Recently, a friend of mine said that she was jealous of my writing because it took her away from me. I felt bad about this. At the same time, I didn't. Writing is extremely important to me and I don't want to put it aside for anything.

How do you balance writing and socializing? Do you carve out time for friends or do you not allow anything to get in the way of your goal? Should I be taking breaks to keep my friends happy, or should I focus on my goal? What would you do?

CrastersBabies · May 6, 2012

No. My friends are pretty damn supportive, but, I also don't neglect my friends so I can hole up for weeks/months at a time. They are another aspect/outlet for my life needs and without that, my writing usually suffers. It's about balance for me. As long as I've been writing, I've had to find a way to accommodate all aspects of my life that are necessary and important (and some that are not so important, like taking 3 hours to see "The Avengers!").

All work and no play makes Jack a dull writer.

woodtop255 · May 6, 2012

I would blow off my friends a lot as I was working and I thought I'd have more free time now that it's done. They don't get that once your book is out, your social life still has to be compromised.

Drachen Jager · May 6, 2012

I'm a misanthrope, so I avoid this circumstance by simply not having friends.

Toothpaste · May 6, 2012

Writing is important. But so is living and maintaining meaningful relationships. I don't think your friend is jealous as much as feeling like she doesn't matter much to you. Just as you want your friends to understand your passion so too must you be there for them. Relationships are not a one way street.

Now yes, you might have to spend some time apart finishing a project, and real friends will understand. But if it is all about you and you never are there for your friends when they need you ... Well why should you expect their patience with you? Once in while, make it about other people, not yourself. You might even enjoy the break. It might make you return to writing refreshed and inspired.

And also, truly, how can you be a commenter on life as a writer if you stop living it?

veinglory · May 6, 2012

I don't think I've ever blown off a social event to write, maybe I am just not popular enough to have this problem

Susan Coffin · May 6, 2012

Nobody in my life has ever complained about my writing schedule. My beau is a musician, which takes a lot of his time, and most of my friends are writers.

I make sure I socialize plenty, even though I can be an extrovert.

If people did complaint about my writing schedule, I would just tell them to bug off.

Nymtoc · May 6, 2012

Meh. They don't pay much attention to it. :e2paperba

HoneyBadger · May 6, 2012

No, everyone is totally supportive and understanding of my time management skills and priorities.

Whoops. I forgot to feed my kids this week. brb.

jaksen · May 6, 2012

Nope. My friends support me totally, as do I with them in all their endeavors.

And if a friend did give me a hard time about doing something I love, I'd kick them to the curb.

angeluscado · May 6, 2012

I only see my friends every two to three months (some of them even less often than that) so I try not to blow them off when people are trying to get together.

fireluxlou · May 6, 2012

Naw all my friends are introverts like me. so we don't care lol.

Tirjasdyn · May 6, 2012

As with anything, at some point in your life you decide what's important. You find time for what's important to you, whether it be writing or softball, other things fall to the wayside. If your friends don't have those same interests they may fall away. It happens.

But that doesn't mean you can't be friends.

Toothpaste · May 6, 2012

Wow. I come back to this thread to learn that evidently it's okay to be completely selfish, and if your friends are real friends they will respect your selfishness, and that that's cool. That relationships between people are not about give and take, but about one person taking and the other giving all the time.

I re-read the OP's question and I stand by my answer. The fact that the OP asks "Do you carve out time for friends or do you not allow anything to get in the way of your goal? Should I be taking breaks to keep my friends happy, or should I focus on my goal? What would you do?" suggests to me that he/she would rather be totally selfish and not give any time to the people in his/her life. The question wasn't, "I'm really focused on my writing deadline for these two weeks, is it wrong for me to avoid social obligations for the near future?" No. It was basically, "Writing is the most important thing to me, my friends want me to spend time with them but I don't want to because they aren't as important to me. Should I still find time for them?"

I guess, I dunno, if you really don't like your friends or hanging out in general, than no, you don't have to spend time with them. But don't just expect them to stay your friends then. Don't expect to get the best of all worlds.

Some of you in this thread have said, oh I have no friends, so it's cool. But I know those same some of you have families and children. Would you honestly be so selfish as to not maybe sacrifice a bit of writing time for your significant other or to support your children's efforts, "Oh hon, I'd love to see your school show, but I really need to dwell on this one sentence all night."

I get it, I do. When I'm facing a deadline I let people know that I'm going to be unavailable for a couple weeks. But I do hope that aside from those moments I am available for my friends and family. To offer support. To be there for them as they are for me when I am overwhelmed with a writing project. Most importantly to share those moments in life that make life worth living, that stories are created from.

Now, if you have no friends, then you don't need to worry about any of this. If you are a hermit and like it that way, than fine, awesome, that works for you. But if you have relationships you can't just expect them to give and give and not give anything back.

I'm sorry, I know we are just supposed to blindly support our creative efforts and get annoyed with anyone who doesn't, but this thread really doesn't sit will with me and I felt a need to say something. Clearly I'm in the minority though, so I'll understand if you all disagree with me.

Bubastes · May 6, 2012

You won't get any disagreement from me, Toothpaste. This looks like a good time to haul out my favorite quote on the subject from Stephen King: Life isn't a support system for art. It's the other way around.

veinglory · May 6, 2012

Ignoring my post that i have never skipped a social event to write... (the not having friends part being a joke).

People are different, their friends are different, their priorities are different. Ergo, their answers are different. That's okay.

Jamesaritchie · May 6, 2012

I'm a firm believer in having writing time, and in having friend and family time. If you're devoting everything to either, you're doing both wrong.

kaitie · May 6, 2012

Friends? What're those? :tongue

In all seriousness, I'm with Toothpaste on this one. If your friends are jealous of your writing time and you're constantly foregoing things with friends to write, there's a problem. I just went out to dinner with a friend and it honestly never even occurred to me that I should say I couldn't go because I had to write. In fact, I take those opportunities to hang with friends whenever I get the chance.

You can always find time to write. Now, maybe you don't go out and spend every day with your friends, or maybe you only stay two hours at a party instead of four, but honestly unless you've got a major deadline coming up and you have to rush to get something done, you shouldn't be neglecting your friendships.

To be honest, I'd understand if once in a blue moon someone told me they wanted to stay in and write instead of going out--sometimes we just don't feel like going out. But if I heard it regularly I'd take it as a hint that I wasn't particularly important to that person.

Seriously. Don't ever let writing screw up a relationship. It doesn't matter if you skip a writing session sometimes to hang out with people. You can always make that up later, but once you screw up a relationship, that is much harder to mend.

Toothpaste · May 6, 2012

veinglory said:
Ignoring my post that i have never skipped a social event to write... (the not having friends part being a joke).

People are different, their friends are different, their priorities are different. Ergo, their answers are different. That's okay.

Of course answers are based on our personal experiences. But I personally don't like encouraging people to be selfish and give up on real life relationships. Especially when it is very easy for writers to do so. I see it as a detriment. I also saw some people offering this advice a little disingenuously as they actually DO maintain relationships with their family - just not friends.

Maybe I am taking this thread too seriously, but I really don't want the OP to lose friends over being selfish. If however he/she truly doesn't care about these relationships - as is kind of implied as well in the post - then maybe it doesn't matter. But I wanted to say my piece on the off chance it does matter.

Further I simply don't believe you need to sacrifice one for the other. I really don't. So it takes you an extra month to write a book because you went out once a week. So what? I think that's not exactly the end of the world.

Also I didn't actually ignore your post, but it confused me. I thought you were making a joke "I always go out when I'm invited, but I'm never invited" that kind of thing. Basically implying that you don't sacrifice writing for friendship. I'm sorry that I misinterpreted

.

Toothpaste · May 6, 2012

Also what Katie said

.

fireluxlou · May 6, 2012

Toothpaste said:
Wow. I come back to this thread to learn that evidently it's okay to be completely selfish, and if your friends are real friends they will respect your selfishness, and that that's cool. That relationships between people are not about give and take, but about one person taking and the other giving all the time.

I re-read the OP's question and I stand by my answer. The fact that the OP asks "Do you carve out time for friends or do you not allow anything to get in the way of your goal? Should I be taking breaks to keep my friends happy, or should I focus on my goal? What would you do?" suggests to me that he/she would rather be totally selfish and not give any time to the people in his/her life. The question wasn't, "I'm really focused on my writing deadline for these two weeks, is it wrong for me to avoid social obligations for the near future?" No. It was basically, "Writing is the most important thing to me, my friends want me to spend time with them but I don't want to because they aren't as important to me. Should I still find time for them?"

I guess, I dunno, if you really don't like your friends or hanging out in general, than no, you don't have to spend time with them. But don't just expect them to stay your friends then. Don't expect to get the best of all worlds.

Some of you in this thread have said, oh I have no friends, so it's cool. But I know those same some of you have families and children. Would you honestly be so selfish as to not maybe sacrifice a bit of writing time for your significant other or to support your children's efforts, "Oh hon, I'd love to see your school show, but I really need to dwell on this one sentence all night."

I get it, I do. When I'm facing a deadline I let people know that I'm going to be unavailable for a couple weeks. But I do hope that aside from those moments I am available for my friends and family. To offer support. To be there for them as they are for me when I am overwhelmed with a writing project. Most importantly to share those moments in life that make life worth living, that stories are created from.

Now, if you have no friends, then you don't need to worry about any of this. If you are a hermit and like it that way, than fine, awesome, that works for you. But if you have relationships you can't just expect them to give and give and not give anything back.

I'm sorry, I know we are just supposed to blindly support our creative efforts and get annoyed with anyone who doesn't, but this thread really doesn't sit will with me and I felt a need to say something. Clearly I'm in the minority though, so I'll understand if you all disagree with me.

I don't think it's selfish just the way life goes after college & my social circle is very small anyway. I make time for friends when they come back to town or when I go to the see them, but we all live far away so all my interaction is on line via facebook or if we bump into each other or arrange for times when none of us are working. It's hard to make plans when everyone lives so far away tbh.

Free time is mainly family time these days and I always go out when I get an opportunity but I don't prioritise my writing over my free time but I have a lot of commitments these days like university and working so I have to make time for that too and everyone has their own commitments and careers. I have four friends I keep in contact with constantly but everyone works full time and lives in Manchester or London and Reading. I mostly spend time on my own or with the other half. Most of my interaction with people these days is at work, online or family.

Toothpaste · May 6, 2012

But you still are actively making time for people. You wouldn't, if one of your friends came to town just for the day say "Oh sorry, can't hang out, writing." You would make time for him/her.

Plus your family now takes precedence over friendship. You are STILL giving, not just taking.

I'm not saying "Woo! Go party every night with your friends!" I'm just saying if you have pre-existing relationships, and people are saying to you "I think you think writing is more important than me" you have a problem that needs to be resolved. Either realise that friendship is a two way street and you have to give as well as take, or end the friendship because it's clearly not what you want.

Read the OP's post again. He/she isn't talking about life changes, and friends moving away, etc. He/she is talking about no longer going out and doing things with friends because he/she would prefer to be writing. To the point where one friend has said she is jealous of his/her writing. That's not a good thing. That's not a mutual decision. That's not just life changing and evolving. That's one friend in pain because another doesn't seem to care about her.

The OP is asking us "Should I give any time to friends? Or is it okay for me to just focus on writing?" I'm saying, no don't give up on friends as that is my preferred means of resolving the situation. I think people need to also live life, not just write about it. And I really think relationships are important. If the OP is spending all the time alone writing and not seeing friends/family etc, I don't think that's healthy. But that isn't the only solution. The other solution is to end friendships because you aren't interested in them. But stringing friends along and expecting them to be perfectly fine with your indifference (as the OP said: "I felt bad about this. At the same time, I didn't.") isn't nice. It certainly is not something you do to someone you supposedly care about.

gothicangel · May 6, 2012

I think its essential to make time for your friends. If you don't, you'll burn out. Writing is great, but staring at a screen get grow tedious after a while.

I'm currently editing one book, and at the halfway mark on the next. I have a day-job, but I still make sure I get out. Yesterday I was out most of the day, walking and absorbing the stunning Northumbrian countryside; Thursday I'm going to the cinema, and we'll go walking again on Saturday. And I still fit in a good chunk of writing time, as well as having read half of Wolf Hall this week.

I think it's all a case of organisational skills.

LJD · May 6, 2012

Make time for the people in your life.

Writing doesn't take me away from social life. I don't exactly have a busy social calendar, but I do see friends every week or two. Spend a bunch of time with my boyfriend in the evenings. Talk to my dad several times a week. Writing is very important to me, but so are my boyfriend, friends, and family. I've got time to make the writing happen. I'm not going to mess up my relationships to make it happen faster.

Sounds like your friend's concerns are valid here. But you can let the Internet and television be jealous of your writing schedule, if you don't already.

jjdebenedictis · May 6, 2012

Toothpaste said:
Wow. I come back to this thread to learn that evidently it's okay to be completely selfish, and if your friends are real friends they will respect your selfishness, and that that's cool. That relationships between people are not about give and take, but about one person taking and the other giving all the time.

Wow; judgey, judgey.

Maybe the friend is one who is being entitled and selfish? You can't really know what the situation is based on a single post.

It's not cool to come back and spit sarcasm all over the people who didn't see the situation exactly the way you did. More than one interpretation is possible here.

Are Your Friends Jealous of Your Writing?

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