Blue Bird

Seams · Jan 21, 2010

Hi Blue - you still repeat though I know its how you wish to do this.

The bar was new but it had already changed hands several times, they were rough hands, the kind that always leave their mark on young new things.

Unique words:24 Total words:27
Freq. Word
2 THE
2 NEW
2 HANDS
1 BAR
1 BUT
1 IT

*young/new* - same

but 27 words and you are repeating 2, which sometimes isn't bad, but these are directive words(well its what i call them) comparisons drawn, so when you use them twice, they lose their power...or so I believe.

anyway, good to see you still writing - good morning to you both

Red Bird · Jan 21, 2010

Top of the day to you, Seams.

Coffee, can anyone say coffee?

Seams · Jan 21, 2010

only around a mouthful of it

Bluegate · Jan 21, 2010

Seams said:
Hi Blue - you still repeat though I know its how you wish to do this.

Unique words:24 Total words:27
Freq. Word
2 THE
2 NEW
2 HANDS
1 BAR
1 BUT
1 IT

*young/new* - same

but 27 words and you are repeating 2, which sometimes isn't bad, but these are directive words(well its what i call them) comparisons drawn, so when you use them twice, they lose their power...or so I believe.

anyway, good to see you still writing - good morning to you both

Seams, are you trying to help me or just crush my will to live? heheh
I get your points and I am going to keep working to do better. I'm not sure that "it's the way I wish to do this" as much as it is a lack of experience. The way I want to do it is effectively, succinctly, with prose and emotion. That is unfortunately past my current ability but I'll keep trying...even if I have lost the will to live. hehe

Thank you for pointing this out for me. It helps very much.

Red Bird · Jan 21, 2010

Bluegate,

When all else fails, there is still your humor. I haven't looked at your rewrite yet. I don't think I could be of much help right now. The head is clearing, but I'm not wanting to get all geiked up again, yet. Ha.

Soon though,
Red

Seams · Jan 21, 2010

aw , I have no wish to discourage you, Blue. In truth I do like both your writing styles; you and Red. I am in no shape or form an editor, and anything I say is just me talking with what i've learnt from others and butchered myself. I learn from you both, still do.

please disregard what i said if you thought otherwise

Red Bird · Jan 21, 2010

We know you love us, Seams.

We just enjoy sporting with ya : )

Seams · Jan 21, 2010

lol, ya know I don't like to bring down writers, so i always make sure..i was two clicks away from removing that post you know

Red Bird · Jan 21, 2010

I did know. Ha. That's why I hurried with my reply. It's too late now.

Anyway, I know your secret. You know the one about being sensitive. Don't worry, I won't tell.

Thanks for the smiles : )

I'm off here till after the bubble bath. Learning to chill out : )

Bluegate · Jan 21, 2010

Seams, it is always a challenge to the ego to learn that gold does not run from your pen, or anything else you may have for that matter. I like to tell myself that you might imagine me worthy of criticism. Please do keep telling me how you see things. I find it very valuable. And *Red Bird is Right, we do like to sport with you, we like you.

*promises kept. hehe

Chrisla · Jan 21, 2010

I'm posting this last paragrah of my book here only because both of you, Red Bird and Bluegate, have been with me while I tried to find my ending, and Bluegate said she'd like to read it. I won't post it anywhere else--one paragraph wouldn't mean much, anyway, out of context.

If you'll recall, my reader loved the now-split book, but hated the sad ending. I searched to find something--anything--to end the story where it was a little more upbeat for my mother. I found a narrow window, a time when my dad left, we thought maybe for good, and my mother took control of her life. We moved to a cheaper place, she found work cleaning houses, ironing and mending for other people, and she's managing. I ask her if she's ever thought about doing something she loves and is good at: sewing for other people.

What do you think?

*****

I looked up from my homework, ready to help her explore the possibility, and noticed something different--something I couldn’t pinpoint. I’d never learned to read her face, but I knew her expressions. This one was unfamiliar. Puzzled, I studied her as she went about her evening chores, and finally, I understood. It was hope, something I’d never seen on my mother’s face.

Bluegate · Jan 21, 2010

My first reaction is that it is beautiful.
I did not look at it to crit in any fashion but loved the emotion and imagery it brought. Anything else would just be nit-picking on my part.
Thank you for remembering me.

Seams · Jan 21, 2010

hello Chrisla

i think i read another piece of yours somewhere
i am unsure what you wish said about this piece you offer as a read, but until you say, i will tell you it is a nicely drawn setting

Seams

Red Bird · Jan 21, 2010

Very touching, Chrisla. Yes, I can feel the hope. I know you were searching for an ubeat way to end your book, and I think you've found it.

My only suggestion would be to make sure that the sentence that proceeds this information tells us what that possibility is.

Three cheers for you,
Red

Red Bird · Jan 21, 2010

Blue,

I took that bubble bath, met some friends for coffee, and came home with a fever again. This dratted thing is starting to tick me off. So, I'm popping some tylenol and going back to bed again. The good news is my head feels happier, still pounding, but happier!

Back at it tomorrow?

Please spiffy up that piece in my absence.

Red

Chrisla · Jan 22, 2010

Thanks for the comments on the last paragraph, and yes, the preceding paragraph does tell us why she has hope. I had to search long and hard to find this, because the time was of such short duration, I'd actually forgotten about it. Things got much worse after that. But I think this is a good ending; it feels right. And the return of my father is a good jumping off place for book two.

I'm getting there. I manage to pare the book down, a page or two a day, and have it below 100,000 words now, with 20 chapters to work my way through. When the line-by-line gets too mind-numbing, I'll start working again on the @%* synopsis and query letter.

I'll go away now and leave you to your chat while I rub my weary eyes and stumble off to bed. It's been a long day at my desk.

Thanks again.

Bluegate · Jan 22, 2010

Chrisla I would love it if you joined our little chats. Red and I just end up awake together late at night and that's kind of a lonely time to write so we chat inbetween thinking we know how to write. It really is just about supporting each other through the writing process. We would love to hear your thoughts and experiences during this process that aren't perhaps strictly craft related.

Red Bird · Jan 22, 2010

Yes, Chrisla, do join our chats. It's a good place to inject some humor while finding a sentence, or venting about whatever.

I got the Red Bird is Right straight away. The bolding helps. So, where were we with the paragraph? Was gold dripping or not? I'm so lost. Ha.

Bluegate · Jan 22, 2010

The other night/early morning we had a somewhat horrible experience around here so I was completely ruined yesterday. I wrote an info dump here explaining what happened and how there was no way I could stay up to work. Then even though desperate for sleep, I was run out of bed by a persistent snoring beast. Came back in here, deleted the comment and set to working. So I did get them redone afterall but hesitated posting because I was so tired it could have been written in Latin and I would not have been able to tell. They do contain a little surprise for you Red Bird.

Red Bird · Jan 22, 2010

Do post them. I hope you've recovered from your experience. My goodness, are we all tripping or what?

January. I have never liked January : )

Seams · Jan 22, 2010

a semi-conscious state is a wonderful thing, its free from grammatical rules, so more words break free instead.

Bluegate · Jan 22, 2010

Well, hmm. I don't know how I feel about it. I was dead tired but got snored out of bed so came in here to write. Not usually considered the best of conditions. But, then again, as Seams suggested sometimes- ...oh, who am I kidding? Sometimes it just don't work for **it. Remember, just experimenting here.

Walking into the bar it was easy to see that even though new, it had changed hands several times and they were rough, the kind that always leave their mark on pretty new things. This current pair ostensibly sought a more sophisticated clientele, one less likely to be so liberal with wanton disregard for things that did not belong to them. The original battered mahogany bar top remained; deep scars and crude graffiti smoothed, stained, then covered with a high gloss finish failed to give an air of fashionable edgy character and only served as a frozen witness to darker times.

I slid onto a synthetically aged leather barstool and ordered a house wine, admiring an expert presentation posing as atmosphere. The place was awash with sincere lies of rough urban danger. Manufactured motorcycle gang history hung on newly antiqued walls with imitation biker jackets, old license plates and sepia toned photos from events that never happened.

A chilled glass of white wine accompanied by a dish of salty bar mix presently took their place just above a rich carving of “Max b-eats Jennifer.” I put eight-dollars down on Jennifer indicating that I was likely to stick around. The bartender had missed my meaning but I soon realized, I had missed his. It was an old game and I wasn’t in a mood to play but, a smart girl knows when to make friends even when, she doesn’t want to. So I met his eyes and gave him an impish grin whose effect was usually a free drink or two and if I left during a rush, wouldn’t cost me a thing. Eight dollars remained on Jennifer to win.

Seams · Jan 22, 2010

did you want me to give my thoughts on this, Blue?

Bluegate · Jan 22, 2010

Sure. *winces*

Seams · Jan 22, 2010

lol i'm not so bad that i cause winces I hope

Walking into the bar it was easy to see that even though new, it had changed hands several times and they were rough, the kind that always leave their mark on pretty new things.

i have this thing for 'ing' starts - so i'll just say its me. i'd almost put a comma after 'that' to show a comparison more.

but its the second part that could be touched, in my mind.(and i'm touched in the mind so feel free to ignore me)

example

Walking into the bar it was easy to see that even though new it had changed hands through the years. They were rough hands, the kind which left marks on pretty things.

pretty is fine, all bars starting are new til they get scars, plus you mentioned new prior as a comparison to how it is/or gets between owner transfers. I separated the description of the handling to make it stand out on its own better, those hands and the abuse to the table and its associated to possible hints to abuse she'd seen herself.

***

you got me all nervous now of going too much so i'll stop here.

synthetically aged - i don't know why that stopped me - felt sci-fi ish to me

anyway it is good to see you working on it. And well done for posting, its how we all learn, as i learn from you.

sorry for the length of this, but you know how i ramble

Seams

Blue Bird

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