I'm not a comedian, I'm the guy who gets pointed AND laughed at. "Lookit, rookie's on the stage. Point and laugh, point and laugh-no not laugh with him, laugh AT him, he won't know the difference." They're right, I don't know the difference. I think I'm funny. If nobody else ever thinks that I'm funny, I'll always have my mind to laugh at my jokes. "Oh Anthony that was a good one. STOP IT you're killing me. It'd be so quiet in the room that you can hear a guy in the back whispering," I don't know what's wrong with him, he might be schizophrenic." We live in America, so there's a 95% chance that I'm schizo. I was born in England, and I didn't know 'til I was 9, that the U.S.A and England were in the War of 1812. I moved to the US in 1994, which was the year that the World Trade Center got bombed. The British have accounted for a lot of stuff to drive this country insane. The Beatles, Spice Girls, Daniel Bedingfield, Craig David. Ever since this music reached the USA, Britney Spears shaved her head, rap sucks, Amy Whinehouse and Lindsay Lohan in rehab, boy bands. We repaid them, by ripping of their tv shows - And making them better! We stole Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Whose Line Is It Anyway. Now, if they could take back American Idol, we’ll be even. But then again, we did steal David Beckham. We’ll send Barry Bonds and some steroids over there as a thank you.
One of America’s sports heroes, Roger Clemens, was in the news a while ago. There were allegations that he had a decade-long affair with a 15 year old girl when Clemens was 28. It turned out, that the affair was with the Miley Cyrus photos in Vanity Fair magazine.She posed for a photo, and she revealed her shoulder. When asked for a comment, Miley told reporters that’s all Clemens would allow her to show. She showed a SHOULDER! Don’t you think that Britney Spears shaving her head is a little more disturbing than that? Seeing the photos of Britney bald, makes me think that she and Demi Moore might team up for GI Jane 2. With Britney and Demi leading a cast of Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton, and Ashley Simpson to Iraq. If there’s one way to make the whole country scared shitless, it’s to take the 6 women with possibly every venereal disease, and ship them over there. Even Osama would come out of hiding. The scariest scene in that whole movie- The girls get drunk, walk out the bar and flash the Iraqi’s, causing them all to commit suicide. That’s a nightmare I hope we never have to witness. Operation Rehab.
I think I threw up in my mouth after that joke. If I ever saw those six women, and I use that term loosely, I’d get lifetime supplies of steroids just to get my unit working again. You'd think that a dude would take one look at the photo of Britney bald, and his crotch curled up and went out his ass. I believe it. Heck, I believe anything. I believe that Texas should definitely use death penalty as the only punishment in that state. I believe that if priests, and Michael Jackson get busted for fondling kids, that Roger Clemens should either go to church, or spend a night at the Neverland ranch and relive that boy’s nightmare. I believe, that if the FBI wants to find Osama, they should fax him a copy of Britney Spears bald. I believe that drinking is the best way to get rid of a migraine, however, it may have caused schizophrenia, forgetting my girlfriend’s name, and Amy Winehouse’s favorite hobby.
I can remember the last time I was drunk. I was at a family barbeque in England last summer, the kids are playing PSP, the girls are on the bouncy castle, and my aunt brings out the beers. I was having some fun chatting with a friend, but then I realized there was a tub of cold brews sitting around. In total, I drank three bottles of beer, 2 glasses of Carva Wine, and a slice and a half of chocolate cake mixed with Malibu. I’d finished the first couple beers, and didn’t notice anything. Everyone else knew I was drunk. They showed photos of me stumbling on the doorway, I was slurring my words. “Hey, hey, Maria, hey. This vacation’s been AWESOME! Hey, you just turned 15 right? Watch out for Roger Clemens.” After the chocolate cake, I was very drunk. My friend Maria was within a few feet of me, making sure I didn’t fall over, with a video camera in her hand. She said, “say something to the camera.” I waved into the camera for 5 minutes. “Hey, hey, hey.” Then we left after that, and what I found surprising, was that I woke up the next morning with no hangover.
This year is election year, which means, finally, that George Bush’s reign is over. The next president, might be an African American, a woman, or a great grandpa. You can imagine that Barack and Hillary are crossing their fingers that McCain will die before November. Just send him the fax that we sent Osama and let’s be on our way. This election has gone on longer than the writer’s strike on NBC, and the same belief too - That nobody cares!
One of America’s sports heroes, Roger Clemens, was in the news a while ago. There were allegations that he had a decade-long affair with a 15 year old girl when Clemens was 28. It turned out, that the affair was with the Miley Cyrus photos in Vanity Fair magazine.She posed for a photo, and she revealed her shoulder. When asked for a comment, Miley told reporters that’s all Clemens would allow her to show. She showed a SHOULDER! Don’t you think that Britney Spears shaving her head is a little more disturbing than that? Seeing the photos of Britney bald, makes me think that she and Demi Moore might team up for GI Jane 2. With Britney and Demi leading a cast of Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton, and Ashley Simpson to Iraq. If there’s one way to make the whole country scared shitless, it’s to take the 6 women with possibly every venereal disease, and ship them over there. Even Osama would come out of hiding. The scariest scene in that whole movie- The girls get drunk, walk out the bar and flash the Iraqi’s, causing them all to commit suicide. That’s a nightmare I hope we never have to witness. Operation Rehab.
I think I threw up in my mouth after that joke. If I ever saw those six women, and I use that term loosely, I’d get lifetime supplies of steroids just to get my unit working again. You'd think that a dude would take one look at the photo of Britney bald, and his crotch curled up and went out his ass. I believe it. Heck, I believe anything. I believe that Texas should definitely use death penalty as the only punishment in that state. I believe that if priests, and Michael Jackson get busted for fondling kids, that Roger Clemens should either go to church, or spend a night at the Neverland ranch and relive that boy’s nightmare. I believe, that if the FBI wants to find Osama, they should fax him a copy of Britney Spears bald. I believe that drinking is the best way to get rid of a migraine, however, it may have caused schizophrenia, forgetting my girlfriend’s name, and Amy Winehouse’s favorite hobby.
I can remember the last time I was drunk. I was at a family barbeque in England last summer, the kids are playing PSP, the girls are on the bouncy castle, and my aunt brings out the beers. I was having some fun chatting with a friend, but then I realized there was a tub of cold brews sitting around. In total, I drank three bottles of beer, 2 glasses of Carva Wine, and a slice and a half of chocolate cake mixed with Malibu. I’d finished the first couple beers, and didn’t notice anything. Everyone else knew I was drunk. They showed photos of me stumbling on the doorway, I was slurring my words. “Hey, hey, Maria, hey. This vacation’s been AWESOME! Hey, you just turned 15 right? Watch out for Roger Clemens.” After the chocolate cake, I was very drunk. My friend Maria was within a few feet of me, making sure I didn’t fall over, with a video camera in her hand. She said, “say something to the camera.” I waved into the camera for 5 minutes. “Hey, hey, hey.” Then we left after that, and what I found surprising, was that I woke up the next morning with no hangover.
This year is election year, which means, finally, that George Bush’s reign is over. The next president, might be an African American, a woman, or a great grandpa. You can imagine that Barack and Hillary are crossing their fingers that McCain will die before November. Just send him the fax that we sent Osama and let’s be on our way. This election has gone on longer than the writer’s strike on NBC, and the same belief too - That nobody cares!
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