Okay, I see your point. But the second example is better written, so you're stacking the deck a bit.
Actually, I don't find even the second one
that compelling. I can hear the squirrels now:
"Suspicious" -- why is Jane suspicious? Show, don't tell.
"Strange things" -- too vague. What strange things?
Paranormal queries may be able to pull off "strange things." For a mystery, I just don't see that saying suspicious things happen, without saying what some of them are, is going to intrigue an agent.
Besides, your second example gives the idea of strange things and a unique symbol -- which the first example lacks. In other words, part of what makes it stronger is that it explains somewhat
why Jane is curious. The first example says she's suspicious about a possible curse, period.
People have some idea what a curse might mean, but would be curious as to the exact nature of this particular curse. In my case, Beth becomes suspicious that -- her boss might be covering something up? But no indication is given as to what makes her suspicious or what might be being covered up? Sorry, I don't think that would work. (At least, it wouldn't work for me if I were an agent.)
I would be thrilled if I could basically say "strange things" and an agent would say "I trust you -- send me pages." My feeling is that an agent would want some idea that the mystery is unique and interesting.
I'd probably be less resistant to the idea if Beth's investigation sounded interesting. But she snoops around the files and the property; she questions people. She doesn't find a cult and doesn't find anybody after her (except love interest, of course) until far into the book. I try to make her investigation entertaining, intriguing, and suspenseful in the execution. Try as I have, I can't come up with a way to make it seem all that interesting in the query without giving away too much of the plot.
I'm not trying to be difficult. I can see the need to bring Beth into my second paragraph. Maybe -- She's asked to make sense of the files supposedly trashed by the missing former assistant. When it begins to look like she might do so, they are snatched away from her and she's given another task. An IRS accountant, the son of a friend, advises her to quit her job, but won't tell her why. Does all this have something to do with a pending IRS audit, she wonders. Then Mr. Roselli (of the crime family Rosellis) shows up and asks Beth for a favor she feels compelled to grant.
This language is rough, but it shows how the developments affect Beth.
(The last sentence is a little misleading because Mr. Roselli is actually a nice, bespectacled, gnome-like man who is trying to be law-abiding and was successfully defended against a fishing-expedition grand jury by Beth's father. I mention the Rosellis throughout my trilogy. But the ones we meet are all like the Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride -- people are so scared of the name they don't have to actually do anything wrong.)
There are other suspicious things going on as well. The Campbells lie to her. They supposedly have a horse business, but she sees only two horses. There are two men living in the supposedly empty guesthouse. Mrs. Campbell knew a strange amount of detail about Beth's family in the job interview. Then Mr. Campbell suddenly is about to enter into some sort of partnership agreement with Ted and Beth's father. The Campbells do everything they can to encourage Beth and Ted to get together. Beth hears disturbing gossip about Ted (womanizer, suspected of assorted unethical deeds although no one could prove them, has a strong financial motive to get married and have a child).
Obviously, I can't put all this detail into a query. Or so I've been told -- I've tried to put a disturbing amount of detail in some of my drafts and been promptly reprimanded
I have to find what telling details will intrigue an agent and avoid a laundry list. Being so close to the book, it's hard for me to say
which details are particularly grabbing and
how many I need.
To put all this another way, I'm querying a mystery. So, of course, I think mysterious things are happening. Every other mystery writer querying the agent will think this of their work, too. I need to find something unique about my mystery and mention that.
I hope I've expressed myself better here. Again, I'm not trying to be difficult, and I do appreciate your comment. I'm not denying that the second paragraph could be stronger.
Now that I've set forth all the suspicion-spurring details, which ones strike you as the strongest ones? I've tried putting the horses and the mysterious men in some drafts, but the universal response is WTF.
Actually, the Dread Clark-Dawe seems nice. I've had a private correspondence with him about horse law, and he's suggested some things that might spiff up my plot a bit.
Wait, this is an even-numbered day. I'm supposed to doubt my work. I got off schedule yesterday.
And a cult in underground DC and a curse? So
that explains the Washington sports experience. People are good until they come here, then get better once they go elsewhere. (Known locally as the Jaromir Jagr Syndrome.) Or teams are hot and suddenly fade due to injuries to key players (Backstrom) or their inability to play well for some unknown reason (Ovechkin).