The Daily Rejection

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carefulwithwords

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I'd thought the same thing about "happy." But I looked in the thesaurus, and none of the words struck me as quite right. Maybe some clever turn of phrase will occur to me. Or a literary type will come up with something beautiful for me.

Hmmm, I just hopped over to take a look. I agreed with teh clark about the opening and second para. Basically, that we don't need to know why she gets suspicious...but rather how she investigates the going's ons. And I thought the first sentence wasn't strong enough to be the opener.
 

Hathor

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Basically, that we don't need to know why she gets suspicious...but rather how she investigates the going's ons.

Really? Just a leap from she suddenly gets a wonderful new job and a hot love interest to...she starts investigating? Wouldn't most agents think, "What's her motivation in looking these gift horses in the mouth?" Perhaps I don't understand what transition between the job/guy part and the investigating part you anticipate. I don't think the agents will be interested if they think she is investigating simply because of her new boss's last name.

I know the motivation to investigate is something my betas have harped on. And they know the entire list of suspicious things Beth has experienced (much more than I have space to list in a query). Yet they still wonder why she decides to investigate. Which I thought I'd explained, if anything, too much. But that's another bitch. I'm about to reread my book again to check.

Anyway, I was thinking that my hook, or at least one of them, would be the agent wondering what the possible crime or crimes might be.

I listed in one of my posts there about what she does to investigate. It sounds kind of boring until the end of the book and she's working with the FBI and fighting for her life. Naturally, in the book, I try to make her snooping around entertaining.
 

Hathor

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Speaking of snooping around, does anyone else on this thread write mystery? I figure on going to the Malice Domestic conference. (It's in my hometown.) It would be nice to know someone there. The venue has lots of restaurants nearby and is right by a metro stop if you want to check out something in DC.
 

K. Taylor

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Oh, I've tried to watch that, but the humor doesn't quite do it for me. Some of the parts are funny, but somehow the show doesn't please me enough to watch regularly.

Yes, I'd make quite a reviewer.

I did like Babylon 5, though. It's one of my favorite shows, ever. It's a favorite of my MC, too. Hunk hasn't seen it, though, and says he wants to watch it all with her. He reads her doctoral dissertation, too. Is this active pursuit or what? MC's new perfume (big in the plot) is a new fragrance from Minbari, and she thinks a "and so it begins" in book two.

If my trilogy ever makes it, someone will have to put out an annotated version explaining all these little allusions I make. MC goes to a movie party and sees The Princess Bride. A couple times she thinks something is inconceivable. Both things happen.

Anyhow, I was so happy with my query, finally. And others seemed to be. And now someone says it's a mess. And yet, this is an odd-numbered day. I shouldn't feel like running away and hiding.

B5 rocks and rules. My mister gets twitchy if we don't rewatch the series every year, plus all the tie-in movies.

TBBT is hilarious. We've been watching all 5 seasons now, and I've laughed myself into crying or wheezing countless times. Though Sheldon needs to be smacked for not liking B5. Thankfully, the other 3 nerds do.
 

triceretops

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Hathor, sounds like your getting that query into shape. I just came for QLH myself, and did some major cutting on mine, finished it and sent it off to agent.

Crickets have stopped. There's activity. Medallion press just answered after 40 days. It was a form submission--synopsis and three chapters. Unfortunately, it was a form rejection. Very robotic and unemotional all the way around. At least somebody's showing up to hurl stones at me. I'm ALIVE.

tri
 

Hathor

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B5 rocks and rules. My mister gets twitchy if we don't rewatch the series every year, plus all the tie-in movies.

TBBT is hilarious. We've been watching all 5 seasons now, and I've laughed myself into crying or wheezing countless times. Though Sheldon needs to be smacked for not liking B5. Thankfully, the other 3 nerds do.

Well, if they are B5 fans, I should give the show another try.

tri -- glad you're alive; sorry about the R.
 

carefulwithwords

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Really? Just a leap from she suddenly gets a wonderful new job and a hot love interest to...she starts investigating? Wouldn't most agents think, "What's her motivation in looking these gift horses in the mouth?" Perhaps I don't understand what transition between the job/guy part and the investigating part you anticipate. I don't think the agents will be interested if they think she is investigating simply because of her new boss's last name.

I'm not sure you got what jclark was saying or maybe I am interpreting wrong (but I'm pretty sure I'm not).

Here's an example: Which of these is more compelling

Jane is thrilled to get an amazing present for her birthday. But no so much when she becomes suspicious that the present is actually cursed.

She finds out there are people after the present. The FBI is interested in what's inside the box. The mob wants to get its hands on the present too.

Jane has to find out what's up with this present.


OR

Jane is thrilled to get an amazing present for her birthday. But not so much when she becomes suspicious that the present is cursed. Strange things are happening and Jane needs to find out why.

Jane discovers a unique symbol on the present which leads her to a hidden cult in the depths of the DC underground. With the FBI and the mob close on her heels, Jane finds more and more clues as to the truth about the box she holds in her hands.

Jane must race against the clock to find out what's going on, before someone else does.
 

Hathor

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Okay, I see your point. But the second example is better written, so you're stacking the deck a bit. ;) Actually, I don't find even the second one that compelling. I can hear the squirrels now:

"Suspicious" -- why is Jane suspicious? Show, don't tell.

"Strange things" -- too vague. What strange things?

Paranormal queries may be able to pull off "strange things." For a mystery, I just don't see that saying suspicious things happen, without saying what some of them are, is going to intrigue an agent.

Besides, your second example gives the idea of strange things and a unique symbol -- which the first example lacks. In other words, part of what makes it stronger is that it explains somewhat why Jane is curious. The first example says she's suspicious about a possible curse, period.

People have some idea what a curse might mean, but would be curious as to the exact nature of this particular curse. In my case, Beth becomes suspicious that -- her boss might be covering something up? But no indication is given as to what makes her suspicious or what might be being covered up? Sorry, I don't think that would work. (At least, it wouldn't work for me if I were an agent.)

I would be thrilled if I could basically say "strange things" and an agent would say "I trust you -- send me pages." My feeling is that an agent would want some idea that the mystery is unique and interesting.

I'd probably be less resistant to the idea if Beth's investigation sounded interesting. But she snoops around the files and the property; she questions people. She doesn't find a cult and doesn't find anybody after her (except love interest, of course) until far into the book. I try to make her investigation entertaining, intriguing, and suspenseful in the execution. Try as I have, I can't come up with a way to make it seem all that interesting in the query without giving away too much of the plot.

I'm not trying to be difficult. I can see the need to bring Beth into my second paragraph. Maybe -- She's asked to make sense of the files supposedly trashed by the missing former assistant. When it begins to look like she might do so, they are snatched away from her and she's given another task. An IRS accountant, the son of a friend, advises her to quit her job, but won't tell her why. Does all this have something to do with a pending IRS audit, she wonders. Then Mr. Roselli (of the crime family Rosellis) shows up and asks Beth for a favor she feels compelled to grant.

This language is rough, but it shows how the developments affect Beth.

(The last sentence is a little misleading because Mr. Roselli is actually a nice, bespectacled, gnome-like man who is trying to be law-abiding and was successfully defended against a fishing-expedition grand jury by Beth's father. I mention the Rosellis throughout my trilogy. But the ones we meet are all like the Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride -- people are so scared of the name they don't have to actually do anything wrong.)

There are other suspicious things going on as well. The Campbells lie to her. They supposedly have a horse business, but she sees only two horses. There are two men living in the supposedly empty guesthouse. Mrs. Campbell knew a strange amount of detail about Beth's family in the job interview. Then Mr. Campbell suddenly is about to enter into some sort of partnership agreement with Ted and Beth's father. The Campbells do everything they can to encourage Beth and Ted to get together. Beth hears disturbing gossip about Ted (womanizer, suspected of assorted unethical deeds although no one could prove them, has a strong financial motive to get married and have a child).

Obviously, I can't put all this detail into a query. Or so I've been told -- I've tried to put a disturbing amount of detail in some of my drafts and been promptly reprimanded :D

I have to find what telling details will intrigue an agent and avoid a laundry list. Being so close to the book, it's hard for me to say which details are particularly grabbing and how many I need.

To put all this another way, I'm querying a mystery. So, of course, I think mysterious things are happening. Every other mystery writer querying the agent will think this of their work, too. I need to find something unique about my mystery and mention that.

I hope I've expressed myself better here. Again, I'm not trying to be difficult, and I do appreciate your comment. I'm not denying that the second paragraph could be stronger.

Now that I've set forth all the suspicion-spurring details, which ones strike you as the strongest ones? I've tried putting the horses and the mysterious men in some drafts, but the universal response is WTF.

Actually, the Dread Clark-Dawe seems nice. I've had a private correspondence with him about horse law, and he's suggested some things that might spiff up my plot a bit.

Wait, this is an even-numbered day. I'm supposed to doubt my work. I got off schedule yesterday.

And a cult in underground DC and a curse? So that explains the Washington sports experience. People are good until they come here, then get better once they go elsewhere. (Known locally as the Jaromir Jagr Syndrome.) Or teams are hot and suddenly fade due to injuries to key players (Backstrom) or their inability to play well for some unknown reason (Ovechkin).
 

Carleree

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It could be worse, Hathor; you could have Luongo in goal.
icon10.gif
 

Quickbread

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Hathor, maybe it will help if you don't look for events but instead focus on capturing the bigger dynamics behind them. I also really struggled with the event list thing (and also character soup) because I've got four key characters/narrators each with their own interrelated storyline, although one of those is still the main-est. I know it's different for mysteries than for literary novels, but what I did was elevate elevate elevate so I could see the shape of the forest itself instead of the individual trees. If that makes any sense at all.
 

Hathor

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It could be worse, Hathor; you could have Luongo in goal.
icon10.gif

You guys are still doing better than we are. And the goalie who led us to such success last year was let go and is doing just wonderfully with his new team.

What is your problem with Luongo? The press here for some reason doesn't discuss the Canucks much :Shrug:

Quickbread, actually I'm fairly well satisfied with my query now. Maybe a few tweaks. I put that list up on QLH to see if someone thinks something I don't mention should be, in lieu of what I do. Maybe something like -- her prospective boss knew all about her background somehow? That's creepier than some IRS investigation or poor records.

Like I said over on that board, I simply want anyone and everyone to love, love, love my query. They thought I was being serious. I think we need a special font for sarcasm ;)
 

Drachen Jager

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Canucks fans always get up in arms every time Luongo has a bad game. He's had a fantastic run of really brilliant goaltending and when he drops three goals in a period the handwringing commences.

Lou is an awesome goalie. Sometimes he has a rough patch, but what fans here don't realize is that EVERY goalie goes through rough patches. He's been sharp all season, so I see no need to worry after he was pulled from one solitary game.
 

Hathor

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Oh, the whole "failure is not an option" thing.

When Carleree said he was a head case, I was thinking of somebody like Zambrano (pitcher, rants to himself and walks around if things go badly, yells/comes to blows with teammates, etc.). I often like to watch his games to see how entertaining they might be.

And now he's in our division. Miami's gone out and bought themselves a team and management. DC will finally have superb pitching. Should be interesting -- until that underground DC cult has their ceremony and three of our starting pitchers need Tommy John surgery and the other two get leprosy.
 

Hathor

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Filigree

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Today's rejection comes from an e-publisher, and is all the more heartbreaking because the editor really loved my erotic romance space opera - as a reader. But as an editor, she was afraid it was the wrong genre combo for her company, and that some of its themes might be a bit too strong for her readers.

Sigh. Too much sex for the Big Six sf&f houses, and too dark for the erotic romance e-pubs. I'll wait for the other four I queried to answer back before I consider trunking it, or self-publishing.
 

Hathor

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Yeah, it's tough when you write something different. If people can't fit your work in some standard model, they often don't want it. Yet they say they want things that are fresh and innovative.

I got that with my NF. "This isn't quite a memoir. It's got all this other stuff in it. Change it to a memoir and I'll look at it again."

Now my mystery. A reader has asked, "But where's the body? The car chase? The cryptic diary the sleuth deciphers?"

Anyway, it sounds like you have the right attitude. Keep plugging away and believe in yourself and your work. Frankly, I think the world can't have enough erotic romance space operas.
 

Hathor

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Day's looking good already. I learned something nice and pedantic. What I sometimes do in my writing is "tmesis," often of the "expletive infixation" variety.

Absolutely frakking wonderful!

I have to see if I can work the technical terms into my trilogy somewhere.
 

Carleree

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I hate those short ones, like they were too put off by your book to bother sending a proper form rejection. Grrr.

My inbox is silent. Probably because I announced to the world that the agent was super speedy fast. That'll teach me. SHe's not fast at all, world, she's painfully slow.

At least my writing is going well. I'm 5 chapters away from finishing the sequel :)
 

triceretops

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Today's rejection comes from an e-publisher, and is all the more heartbreaking because the editor really loved my erotic romance space opera - as a reader. But as an editor, she was afraid it was the wrong genre combo for her company, and that some of its themes might be a bit too strong for her readers.

Sigh. Too much sex for the Big Six sf&f houses, and too dark for the erotic romance e-pubs. I'll wait for the other four I queried to answer back before I consider trunking it, or self-publishing.

I'm seeing a lot of this too. Only I've received two small publishing contracts, and I'm not really jazzed about signing them. I'm looking for something a bit larger, not that there's anything wrong with either of these little guys.

Tri
 

Nova Odyssey

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After one year and two nudges, finally got a response for my full. Was on line in Rite Aid ignoring the pharmacist when I saw the email on my phone. A very nice reject, the most personalized one I've gotten. Writing is solid, was impressed with the detail and world I researched, and looking forward to seeing where it goes. But didn't connect enough with main character. I was surprised the agent asked for a full (even though I came with her client's recommendation) because it's not her genre. But that shows you you never know.

I know I've got something here. I'm not sending it out enough, I know that too. Partly because I'm putting energy in writing my second which is easier to market. So on I go. On we all go!:Shrug:
 

carefulwithwords

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Wow. Well, I'm "happy" to join the reject party today. Got a form R from that twitterbug jr. agent who requested in late Jan. Now still waiting to hear on three fulls. And ABNA quarterfinal results are in 13 days.

Blech.
 
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