Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

Zzzz...

Oh, sorry. You asked if I'd take it to the checkout or put it back, didn't you. I'd put it back. I had to force myself to continue reading after the first sentence.

No action, not even interior movement. No hint of any real conflict beyond the ordinary, every day tripe of daily living that we all experience. No detail of character or setting that would make me want to read further.

It's all general exposition, all telling instead of showing. If the author wanted me to take this novel home and have me read it through, instead of telling me that the staircase was "impressive" she might have shown me its carved, oaken railing, the handwoven Oriental runners on the treads, the two-hundred light crystal chandelier glittering overhead.

(And I think I'll steal this description and put it verbatim into a novel I'm writing...)

Those patients lying in the beds in the emergency side ward? One of them is Mrs. McReady, whose doctor has told her that having her big toe straightened really isn't an emergency that would warrant bumping her up to the head of the outpatient surgery line at the General, and besides, she's convinced that such major surgery shouldn't be done on an outpatient basis. She's got pots of money she inherited from her recently deceased niece, who was a famous writer of Nurse Novels, so she opted to have her surgery done pronto at Mowberry, where they pay much more attention to her needs than the staff at the General.

And she didn't even mention Mrs. McReady by name! How gauche!

Seriously, in the first few paragraphs of any piece of fiction, I want to be introduced to at least one character. I want to be given a reason to care about the character I'm reading about, and the story that's about to be told. I want enough detail so that I can enter the world of the novel and leave the room I'm sitting in behind me, but not so much that it bogs the story down.

Give me that, and genre doesn't matter. Even the overall quality of the story doesn't matter all that much, in the end. I'm asking for a few hours' entertainment, where I can leave the mundane behind. Ms. Norrell doesn't do it for me. Sorry.

Much too much exposition for me. No emotional connection to the MC. I mean where's the hook?

Back on the shelf.

I typically give books more than one page to hook me. For me, this would still be in limbo: It hasn't turned me off enough to be put back, but it hasn't given me any reason to part with my hard-earned cash, either. If I had to decide now, it would probably be no.

The mechanics are ... adequate. I see a lot I would do differently, but nothing egregious enough to pull me out of the story once I got in it.

It's a slow start, mostly background info. My biggest problem is how dispassionate it is. Even though it's all introspection, I have no idea how the character feels about anything.

James D. Macdonald said:

Could you expound a bit?

(I do intend to do a line-by-line fairly soon on this excerpt....)

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It's hard for me to put a finger on. When you go to sleep, it's sometimes hard to remember what knocked you out.

Well, she did seem to use a lot of words to describe the thoughts of a nurse who was thinking of quitting because she didn't think much of the patients.

Back on the shelf. The first line starts by telling me the character's profession. This immediately and irrevocably invokes Dan Brown, which is unforgivable even if she never uses the word "brilliant."

Then the rest is reflection on key events that happened offstage, but which could easily have been shown in interesting scenes. I had to force myself to read even these four paragraphs of exposition, and that took me three attempts.

Given the title I'd be unlikely pick up the book in the first place. But if this were a series and I was a fan, I might be willing to slog through the exposition (if it were, say, a summary of earlier books).

Dale

My first thought was - where are the editors? It was a relief to learn this book was published in 1968. Things certainly have changed.

Time to Play First Page

Staff Nurse Jane Kelsey descended the wide, impressive staircase of the Mowberry Private Nursing Home slowly and thoughtfully. It was not the first occasion since she had come to work here that she had experienced serious doubts as to whether or not she should remain.

Could she not have been doing the same sort of work, and doing it equally well, in the confines of the Rawbridge General Infirmary where she had worked for the past four years, right until she gave in her notice and responded to Angela Power's appeals to join her and help her make the nursing home a real success?

There was certainly no possible doubt as to the success of the nursing home, Jane reflected. Every bed was fully booked for months ahead, with the exception of the four in the emergency side ward, all of them booked by people who could afford not to leave their names any length of time on the waiting list at the Infirmary. No doubt when any one of those on the waiting list could be classified as a genuine emergency a bed would be found at the Rawbridge General, but those who could afford it preferred to have their operations or indispositions over and done with, not to linger on until room could be fournd to deal with whatever ailed them.

That was the principal reason Jane had agreed to join in Angela's venture. The knowledge that for even a minority of people almost immediate help would then be available had been a great influence, even though she had known at the start the bulk of the money behind the venture had come from Henry Crabtree, a man she...

I can't get a picture in my head when I'm reading this. The sentences are verrrrryyyyyy llllloooooonnnnngggggg. One sentence is one paragraph? There's nothing in this passage to tell me who anybody is. How they think, what they feel things like that. So to answer the question, I'd put it back. Not only because it's not the sort of genre that I enjoy reading, it's also the title. It sounds like a Travel Channel Documentary.

I thought it was dry. Not poorly executed; just flavorless. I wouldn't have made it past the first paragraph, but since I don't read in that genre often, a piece of this nature has to really grab me by the, uh, ahem-sticles and twist to hold my interest. Those four short paragraphs just didn't seem to flow freely.

Line by line through the first page of Nurse Kelsey Abroad:

Staff Nurse Jane Kelsey descended the wide, impressive staircase of the Mowberry Private Nursing Home slowly and thoughtfully.

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Introduces our main character in the first four words of the first sentence of the first paragraph. The second part of the sentence introduces the setting, a private nursing home. The staircase rates two adjectives; Nurse Kelsey's descent rates two adverbs.

It was not the first occasion since she had come to work here that she had experienced serious doubts as to whether or not she should remain.

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So ends paragraph one. We have a person in a place with a problem. Nurse Kelsey's problem is figuring out whether or not to stay in this opulent private facility. "It was" is a weak sentence opening. The first paragraph of a novel does not need weak constructions.

Could she not have been doing the same sort of work, and doing it equally well, in the confines of the Rawbridge General Infirmary where she had worked for the past four years, right until she gave in her notice and responded to Angela Power's appeals to join her and help her make the nursing home a real success?

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The next paragraph, all 59 words of it, is a single sentence. And what a sentence it is! At first I thought that this book might perhaps be a later volume in a series and this was the recap of Our Story So Far. As it turns out, this is stand-alone novel, and this paragraph is quite unnecessary backstory. By the time the plot starts (four pages from now), we'll discover that we don't need to know any of this. By the time Chapter Two arrives (twenty-five pages on), it will all be forgotten.

There was certainly no possible doubt as to the success of the nursing home, Jane reflected.

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A bit pf a breather as the first sentence of the next paragraph is considerably shorter, but it does not answer the question posed in the previous paragraph. "There was" is a weak sentence opening, and weaker paragraph opening, unless you want the readers to slide by without noticing or caring about what it might contain.

Every bed was fully booked for months ahead, with the exception of the four in the emergency side ward, all of them booked by people who could afford not to leave their names any length of time on the waiting list at the Infirmary.

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We're expanding on the success of the Nursing Home.

The grammar is (in my opinion) needlessly complex. "...all of them booked by people who could afford not to leave their names any length of time..." indeed.

No doubt when any one of those on the waiting list could be classified as a genuine emergency a bed would be found at the Rawbridge General, but those who could afford it preferred to have their operations or indispositions over and done with, not to linger on until room could be found to deal with whatever ailed them.

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"No doubt" is just empty syllables.

This book was written in, and set in, Britain at the end of the nineteen-sixties. Perhaps an appreciation of the intricacies of the NHS might help make this sentence less of a chore to get through.

So ends the third paragraph, as we fight our way out of a wholly-unnecessary infodump. The first page of the first chapter is no place to bog the reader down with backstory.

That was the principal reason Jane had agreed to join in Angela's venture.

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What was the principal reason Jane had agreed to join in Angela's venture? She wanted to work at a place for rich gits who can't wait their turn to get non-urgent treatment? "That was," like "it was" and "there was," is a weak construction.

The knowledge that for even a minority of people almost immediate help would then be available had been a great influence, even though she had known at the start the bulk of the money behind the venture had come from Henry Crabtree, a man she...

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The sentence finishes, on the next page: ...could not stand at any price, but the man, it seemed, Angela was about to marry.

Not to worry; this is the only time Henry Crabtree is mentioned in this book; he's not an important character. He's barely a character at all.

We've just experienced a head-snapping change, too, from the reader thinking about Jane's situation to Angela's situation.

I don't understand why it's even necessary to bring in Angela's social life, seeing as Angela will also drop out of the novel well before the chapter is finished, never to reappear.

The plot appears a few well-padded pages later, when Angela sends a junior nurse to summon Staff Nurse Jane Kelsey up to the administrator's office, there to send Jane to a position at a hospital attached to the British Embassy in the capital of Dalaslavia, a small Balkan country behind the Iron Curtain. Thus the question that Jane was pondering in the first paragraph is answered.

The first five pages of the novel could have been cut without anyone noticing. Whether Jane was working at Mowberry or Rawbridge is immaterial. For that matter, since Jane doesn't arrive in Daraslavia, nor does the main story begin, until the start of Chapter Two, the entirety of Chapter One could have been deleted without loss.

As written, the readers will be hauling Angela, and Henry, with them all the way to the end, waiting in vain for them to take some hand in the story and its resolution.

The prose is adequate, not graceful.

This book was written in, and set in, Britain at the end of the nineteen-sixties. Perhaps an appreciation of the intricacies of the NHS might help make this sentence less of a chore to get through.

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Sadly no

I doubt I'd have made it past paragraph two in any case ( although to be fair it seem to be my kind of genre). There are books with far more interesting beginnings, so I'd rather take a chance on those.

That third paragraph bucked me right off. I still can't figure out if the four beds in the emergency side ward are booked or not.

I'd give it a chapter to warm up, though, because my maternal great aunt was Dalaslavian (her parents fled Freedonia when the Marxists took over).

James D. Macdonald said:

Could you expound a bit?

(I do intend to do a line-by-line fairly soon on this excerpt....)

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I'm a little late in getting back to you,
My first reason is, I'm not interested in this genre.
My secondary reasons have been covered by everyone else, no action, insertion of back story, and several character names introduced, all in 4 paragraphs. The long sentences made it difficult for me to follow. The grammar appears to be correct, which surprises me after seeing sentences with over 50 words in them.

James D. Macdonald said:

Line by line through the first page of Nurse Kelsey Abroad:

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Thanks for the line by line crit. When I first read the posted page, my first thought was that it lost my interest. My second was wondering why you'd posted this as an example. I failed to consider you might be posting it as a negative example.

Now I understand WHY it lost my interest. Thanks again, for this and for all you've done in this thread.

What could we do to help poor Nurse Kelsey?

Well. Suppose that, early one morning at that hospital in Dalaslavia, a mysterious Englishman appears--with a bullet wound that he won't explain. This is the anonymous British spy, escaped from a Len Deighton novel. Soon the hospital is crawling with Dalaslavian Secret Police, and Staff Nurse Jane Kelsey is up to her perky starched white nurse cap in international intrigue.

Or, suppose that there's a sudden outbreak of anemia (and neck wounds) among the young ladies of Seonyata (the capital of Dalaslavia, where the hospital is located). Soon enough, Staff Nurse Jane Kelsey meets an elderly gentleman (who had been a nobleman before the Revolution) who only visits by night. He is charming ... and has very pronounced canines.

Before the end, Nurse Kelsey finds herself seeking a coffin in the depths of Castle Seonyata, stake clutched in one hand, cross in the other, in the last desperate attempt to end the unholy curse....

There are charming bits to this novel, to be sure. Young Kevin, the medical assistant, is described by one of Nurse Kelsey's companions as "gay," and all she means is that he's fun-loving and nonchalant. And the head of the Dalaslavian hospital, the fearsome Dr. James Lowth, is described by one of the nurses as "a woman-hater," without anyone wondering if, perhaps, he prefers boys.

Here's how the astounding tale ends (SPOILER ALERT!):

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

Last Page:

...shall bewilder you still more when I tell you I've loved you from the moment I first saw you at the Golden Fiddle, the lamplight shining on your wonderful hair, the blueness of your eyes and your general air of being out to conquer the future, no matter what it held...."

"What did you say?" Jane stood back a little and looked up at him, her eyes suddenly very bright, the anger gone.

"I said I've loved you from the moment I saw you," he repeated firmly. "I never knew how much, until you told me this morning that Karl Brotnovitch had asked you to marry him. I knew I couldn't allow that to happen, no matter what. But," he laughed suddenly, "I scarcely expected fate--and Kevin Dean--to play directly into my hands this way," he concluded.

Jane stood very still. It was all true, she was assuring herself of the fact over and over again. Jim Lowth loved her, he had obviously loved her for some time. He wanted her to marry him, not because of the good name of the hospital, not because he wanted an extra pair of hands always there, but because he loved her, and for that reason, she, Jane Kelsey, was important to him as he was to her.

Jim was speaking again, quietly, slowly, as one teaching a lesson to a small child.

"You haven't said you'll marry me yet," he reminded her. "Will you, Jane, my darling? Will you take me on as ... your next assignment?" he asked with a tenderness of which she had not believed him capable.

She thought of home, of all the comforts, the extra facilities for their work, of her parents and her family, and she knew in time they would share them all, just as they would continue to share whatever faced them in the time left to be spent in Dalaslavia.

"Of course I'll marry you, my darling," she whispered, "just as soon as everything can be arranged. I meant to do precisely that when I came out here...didn't you know?" But there was no need for him to answer as their lips met in a kiss which told each that they had accepted not only their next assignment, but an assignment for life, which suited them both very well!

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Well... the quality is consistent.

Dale

To be publishable the quality of your prose need be no better than workmanlike.

I feel cheated of the Kelsey/Crabtree hatesex. Also that I missed out on writing for this much less competitive market.
-Barbara

Ms. Norrell wrote some thirty-odd Nurse Novels during the course of a twenty-year career. This one was near the end of that time ... and near the end of the Nurse Novel as a genre.


This afternoon I watched A History of Violence on DVD. It's a lovely example of the Three Act Structure as you're going to see. I recommend it to everyone.



Oh -- on a more personal note: I got a call from my editor today. The Trade Paperback edition of The Apocalypse Door is coming out in December, 2009, and could I please write a sequel? So I'll be doing that.

Publishable

James D. Macdonald said:

To be publishable the quality of your prose need be no better than workmanlike.

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Could you expand on that thought? What factors are most important in order for a ms to be "publishable"? Or is the subject covered somewhere earlier in this thread?

James D. Macdonald said:

Oh -- on a more personal note: I got a call from my editor today. The Trade Paperback edition of The Apocalypse Door is coming out in December, 2009, and could I please write a sequel? So I'll be doing that.

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Including the Crossman/Lucifer scene?

euclid said:

Could you expand on that thought? What factors are most important in order for a ms to be "publishable"? Or is the subject covered somewhere earlier in this thread?

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Agreed. Also, what defines 'workable'? That first sentence (forget the rest of the page) did not work for me at all.

Duncan J Macdonald said:

Including the Crossman/Lucifer scene?

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Especially the Crossman/Lucifer scene.

euclid said:

Or is the subject covered somewhere earlier in this thread?

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We've been batting that question around for more than seven thousand posts.

Ah, but just what age of workman prose?

It used to be newspapers presumed their readers had an eleventh grade education and television viewers to have an eighth grade one. Neither grade is what is used to be.

Most workmen were assumed to have most of a tenth grade education. Typical sophomores were 16 and could legally drop out. Now kids can drop out in eighth. The stereotype of the construction worker is no longer viable for a baseline of prose construction.

Of course Shakespeare tended to pander to the language of the times--which seems undecipherable to such 'commonfolk' now. The above example (which Jim deconstructed) went with what worked for that series. But thats not always a good idea in publishing.

Alphabeter said:

Ah, but just what age of workman prose?

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Workman-like manner is a phrase that means acceptable to the good workers in the trade. I build houses to a workman-like manner, a manner that is acceptable within my trade. There are builders who build to a less desirable standard and those that build to a higher standard.


Education levels have always varied. Hemmingway wrote mostly on a 4th and 5th grade level. His use of the common man's language would, however, be considered much better than a workman-like manner.

Write to the level of your reader. Using the language of our audiences are part of the magic of literature.

My thoughts... I could be wrong...