A Life of Crime and Chocolate

Generalized whining

So, my dad has a heart condition. Atrial flutter. As heart conditions go, it's pretty close to benign, but it's the "pretty close" that is the problem. This condition raises his risk of stroke by about 3%.

Options are blood-thinning medication, or an outpatient heart procedure. He's on the medication for now, which he's not happy about. Among other things, it's an imperfect solution, although the medications are better than they used to be. So he's going to go for the procedure (assuming testing shows that it's the right way to go), which involves actually killing parts of the heart muscle to disable the improper electrical impulses.

It's apparently pretty safe. He doesn't need to go under a general anaesthetic if he doesn't want to. If I know my dad, he will want to be wide awake and watching as much as he can, because it will be cool.

But he's 76 years old. 76-1/2. And I'm scared.

I am so lucky, in many ways, to still have my parents, and I am feeling rather selfish about it all. This isn't about me, is it? He's the one going through this. He's the one who just had his doctor tell him he's in remarkable shape "for his age," but that stuff just starts to wear out after a while.

He's scared too. I know he is. He says it's better now, and he doesn't even feel nervous most of the time. And I would probably make the same choice he is making - heart surgery, as scary as it sounds, beats the hell out of sitting around wondering if you're just randomly going to have a stroke.

I asked him once, years ago, if he felt the same inside as he had when he was in his 20s. He looked surprised, and said "Of course."

But he's not the same. And my mother is not the same, and I am not the same.

I am way behind on what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been writing around anything substantive on the WIP because I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid I don't have a story, that it has no heart. So I write introductory and character bits, and stay away from the actual plot, which is getting me nowhere. I fear that I wrote one book, and that's it. That I can't do it again. Would that be so bad? I've always written, sure; but this whole-book thing is recent for me. So what if it's only one? So what if it doesn't sell, goes nowhere? I write for myself. Don't I?

There's never enough time, is there?

Hey, Liz. I can totally understand why you're worried about your dad. From what you've said, it appears that he's in good health otherwise, so he should get through that procedure just fine. But still, he's your dad, so it's hard not feel a little anxious.

Writing can be a good distraction but sometimes everyday life makes it a challenge to stay focused. Consider, until your dad is over this thing, putting your WIP on hold and doing something very different. I found switching genres got me completely out of the 'writing doldrums', so how about writing a short story, no more than 3K words and in a completely different genre? (I double dare you to do this!) It could spark all sorts of plot ideas for your current ms.

And please keep us posted on how your dad is doing.

sent you a PM, liz.

sending you good thoughts Liz and if it helps at all, this is a fairly common and safe procedure. In my thirty years in Critical care I have never seen anyone who is healthy otherwise, have a problem with it. But yeah, when it's your family its scary. let us know how it turns out.

Thank you all. It does help to vent. I am not good at powerlessness. (Who is?)

Shea, that actually helps a lot. I get anxious around medical procedures - for no personal reasons, actually; I've had a few myself over the years, and they've all gone swimmingly. Somehow it's easier when it's me, though, and not someone I love! But it's nice to have the confirmation that it truly is a pretty safe procedure.

Gail, that's a good idea about the short. 3K, though? I have a hard time writing chapters that short, much less a whole story! Challenges are good.

You are the best bunch, all of you.

Liz, sending you lots of 's. Let us know how things go with your dad.

muse said:

Liz, sending you lots of 's. Let us know how things go with your dad.

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Thank you, muse.

He emailed me a bit ago to let me know that his test results have come in, and he's doing well enough on the medication that they are in no rush to get the procedure done. It sounds like he'll have it somewhere around the end of the year.

So good news, I think. He seems to be doing well - looking forward to going swimming with my daughter on Monday. He has made a point of telling me that the doctor says he can exercise normally without fear - and he can also eat and drink whatever he likes.

Great news, Liz! I'm so pleased for you.

But that doesn't mean my challenge doesn't stand.

lizmonster said:

3K, though?

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Yep. I noticed that you have high word counts. So, yanno...

Thanks, guys. I'm pleased for him too. In some ways it would be nice to get it over with, but it's got to be comforting to know your doctor is saying "Yeah, it's not a big deal, so we'll schedule it when you have time." I'll worry to myself, of course; he enjoys being hovered over about as much as I do, which is not at all. (I may fail at this. He and I are an awful lot alike. He will be able to tell.)

Gail, I wrote a short last night, but it was finished at around 1500. So I guess I have to do another one.

I had it up on my blog for a bit, and then I pulled it, because honestly I don't know if that's the sort of thing I'm supposed to be doing. It's not a piece I'll ever sell, so in that sense it's probably fine to "publish" it on Wordpress. On the other hand, I'm supposed to be going on submission next month, and my agent said "Stay off social media when you're on submission." Which, given that it could be a while, seems a bit draconian, so I'm interpreting it as "Don't talk about being on submission while you're on submission." (Wasn't that a movie?)

I'm struggling a bit with the etiquette, I'll admit, and I'm suffering a huge dose of impostor syndrome. A bunch of my agent's other clients are doing rather well at the moment - awards, movie deals, amazing reviews, etc. I know those are not her only clients, but it's hard not to wonder what I'm doing here. I'm just an old lady who writes space opera, you know?

Which is probably not the sort of thing I'm supposed to write when I'm about to go on submission.

lizmonster said:

Thanks, guys. I'm pleased for him too. In some ways it would be nice to get it over with, but it's got to be comforting to know your doctor is saying "Yeah, it's not a big deal, so we'll schedule it when you have time." I'll worry to myself, of course; he enjoys being hovered over about as much as I do, which is not at all. (I may fail at this. He and I are an awful lot alike. He will be able to tell.)

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Great news on your dad, Liz. Of course you're gonna worry, but it sounds like everything is in hand.

lizmonster said:

Gail, I wrote a short last night, but it was finished at around 1500. So I guess I have to do another one.

I had it up on my blog for a bit, and then I pulled it, because honestly I don't know if that's the sort of thing I'm supposed to be doing. It's not a piece I'll ever sell, so in that sense it's probably fine to "publish" it on Wordpress. On the other hand, I'm supposed to be going on submission next month, and my agent said "Stay off social media when you're on submission." Which, given that it could be a while, seems a bit draconian, so I'm interpreting it as "Don't talk about being on submission while you're on submission." (Wasn't that a movie?)

I'm struggling a bit with the etiquette, I'll admit, and I'm suffering a huge dose of impostor syndrome. A bunch of my agent's other clients are doing rather well at the moment - awards, movie deals, amazing reviews, etc. I know those are not her only clients, but it's hard not to wonder what I'm doing here. I'm just an old lady who writes space opera, you know?

Which is probably not the sort of thing I'm supposed to write when I'm about to go on submission.

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Ooooh, didn't know you were going on submission (I really have been away too long) Congrats and good luck.

Good news about your dad, Liz.

I'm sorry for your loss tarak.

I tried writing a few weeks ago, and it just didnt feel right.
I tried editing my piece, all the edits I made didnt feel like they contributed to the story, or were productive. I felt like I was making all the wrong decisions for my piece. Again it didnt feel right. So I stopped.

I've been reading quite a bit. It's the only thing that feels right. I can do it. Y can't read a book the wrong way.

I'm going on holiday with my good frequent next week. It's her 30th birthday next Wednesday, so to celebrate she's invited me to Bali with her. Just her and I. I'm looking forward to it.
It'll be my first child free holiday ever, and the first time I've been out of Australia since I was 10.

Don't push yourself to write until you're ready French.

If reading is all you want to do at the moment, then that's all you should do.

I'm going on holiday with my good frequent next week. It's her 30th birthday next Wednesday, so to celebrate she's invited me to Bali with her. Just her and I. I'm looking forward to it.
It'll be my first child free holiday ever, and the first time I've been out of Australia since I was 10.

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Bali. How exciting.

Enjoy the holiday.

Liz, I'm glad it sounds like your dad is doing okay for now. Easy procedures are easy unless it's being performed on someone you love.

I want to thank everyone again for all the kind thoughts. My kitty was my writing buddy. I took my mom and three older kids to Florida for vacation and had no time to do much of anything but sleep. Why I thought vacation with my mom and kids would be relaxing is beyond me. Now that I'm home, I haven't so much as sat on the couch because it will really hit me when he's not shoving up against my laptop for a scratch.

My youngest was home with her dad while I was out of town. The longest time I've even been away from her. And, coincidentally, the only time I've ever missed one of her cardiology appointments. So it makes sense that it was the only time there's been a finding of enough concern that they ordered a 24-hour holter. I was stuck in Florida fretting and feeling like an ass for being away while my poor husband was fighting a toddler to keep from ripping off the leads to her cardiac monitor. The results weren't bad but not the one-off I was hoping for. We get to repeat the holter in February before her next in-office appointment. Bleah. Ready for August to be over.

French, I agree that you should read if it makes you feel good. Writing will come back. Don't force it if you're worried you'll develop negative associations with the process. And enjoy Bali!

And Liz, I know exactly what you mean about wondering whether you have a second book in you. I wonder that every time I open my WIP and just stare at the screen wondering what to do with the bits and pieces I have.

Tarak - so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

French - enjoy Bali and like the others say, don't push yourself. Take some time for you.

I'm just back from Chicago and New Jersey, a holiday with my friend from NJ and my friend from Norway (so I went via Oslo again to pick her up as she's scared of flying and won't go on the US flight on her own). We had a really good time but I'm a bit exhausted after nearly two weeks of American food!

Still not writing anything as there's just nothing in terms of ideas, but I did get my sample copies of the Ellery Queen magazine, which is due out in September. Kind of freaked out seeing my name listed in the same TOC as Val McDiarmid and Charlaine Harris...!

lizmonster said:

Gail, I wrote a short last night, but it was finished at around 1500. So I guess I have to do another one.

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Wow! You wrote it in one night! That's awesome. Can we get to reading it? And no, you don't have to write another one as part of the challenge - unless, of course, you want to.

tarak said:

Bleah. Ready for August to be over.

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Sounds like you need a vacation to get over the vacation.

French Maiden said:

It'll be my first child free holiday ever, and the first time I've been out of Australia since I was 10.

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Hope you have a fabulous time!

Zelenka said:

but I did get my sample copies of the Ellery Queen magazine, which is due out in September. Kind of freaked out seeing my name listed in the same TOC as Val McDiarmid and Charlaine Harris...!

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That is totally awesome, Zelenka! Congrats!!!

Tarak -. All in all it sounds like a stressful week.

Still not writing anything as there's just nothing in terms of ideas, but I did get my sample copies of the Ellery Queen magazine, which is due out in September. Kind of freaked out seeing my name listed in the same TOC as Val McDiarmid and Charlaine Harris...

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!

Whoo-hoo!

Zelenka, that's fabulous. You must be so proud!

Zelenka said:

Still not writing anything as there's just nothing in terms of ideas, but I did get my sample copies of the Ellery Queen magazine, which is due out in September. Kind of freaked out seeing my name listed in the same TOC as Val McDiarmid and Charlaine Harris...!

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Zelenka! I was just thinking of you - I thought it was this fall that your EQ issue was coming out. That's really exciting!

heyjude said:

Hey, all. Sorry I'm not around much right now. The girl started middle school and the boy is still in elementary school and I drive them both and neither school is exactly next door and the middle school is a complete nightmare. It takes one hour to take her in the morning and two to pick her up in the afternoon. That's just her. Add in the boy and work and all I do is drive. It doesn't leave a whole lot of room for anything else.

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Wow, that's horribly frustrating. We're struggling with bus schedules, but nothing so time-intensive. (The worst part is that she's getting picked up earlier, and we're still getting used to it, so all of us are operating on a sleep deficit.) I hope your schedule clears up soon - that seems sunsustainable.

Thanks folks.

HJ - that sounds rotten. I used to have to commute two hours to get to my school because I went to one outside my catchment area. Not fun. Hope you get some time to yourself.

heyjude said:

Hey, all. Sorry I'm not around much right now. The girl started middle school and the boy is still in elementary school and I drive them both and neither school is exactly next door and the middle school is a complete nightmare. It takes one hour to take her in the morning and two to pick her up in the afternoon. That's just her. Add in the boy and work and all I do is drive. It doesn't leave a whole lot of room for anything else.

This too shall pass... but it's gonna be a while.

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Ah, the taxi of mum. I remember it well. It doesn't last for ever, but it sure does feel like it.

HJ, that stinks. We're very fortunate about the commute. My oldest started middle school two weeks ago. We'd have to leave earlier than the bus comes if I were to drive here (mostly because my drive to work would involve traveling on a really congested highway). My husband can drop off the middle two on the way to work, fortunately. We're just dealing with the regular back-to-school stuff. I need to start filling in the white board next to the back door so I stop sending my husband to Girl Scouts when there is no meeting...

Hello everyone! Hope you all had good weekends.

Bit of a varied one for me. Woke up on Saturday morning to a rejection email (grr, I really liked that agency), then off to a friend's wedding. A bit socially awkward, given that we knew the bride and groom and that was about it. One nice moment was when the bride ushered her uncle over to talk to me because he's a writer, and he told me all about how the groom had been raving over my first book since he beta-read for me. Also managed to find some like-minded souls and ended up talking SF all night with them.

Sunday was quiet. Watched the grand prix, played guitar (clearly haven't been practicing enough cos my arm was sore afterwards!), wrote a bit. Had a neat idea for a short story that I promptly forgot, too (isn't that always the way...).

How about you?

onesecondglance said:

Bit of a varied one for me. Woke up on Saturday morning to a rejection email (grr, I really liked that agency), then off to a friend's wedding. A bit socially awkward, given that we knew the bride and groom and that was about it. One nice moment was when the bride ushered her uncle over to talk to me because he's a writer, and he told me all about how the groom had been raving over my first book since he beta-read for me. Also managed to find some like-minded souls and ended up talking SF all night with them.

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Sorry about the R, osg. May it be followed by better news.

Ah, weddings. They always seem set up for awkwardness, don't they? I'm not sure it's much better if you DO know everybody. But it is kind of wonderful when you find someone to talk to in the midst of the whole thing, and the entire event becomes not just bearable but fun. Rather nice to hear such good things about your book, too.

We had our second weekend in a row of voluntary running around. Saturday, as always, was the Day o' Chores, and Sunday we went apple picking at a place about half an hour up the road. After we picked, The Kid ran around in the playground for a little while, and made a friend. It always astonishes me how easily she makes friends - she's a shy kid, but she manages to be friendly in a way a lot of other kids seem to like. For the most part she seems to make nice friends, too.

And now there are too many desserts in the house. Intro made peach scones and Swedish apple pie (which is really apple crisp). I made brioche, which is not a dessert, strictly speaking, but might as well be. So today there must be exercise!