[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

Jan74 · Mar 19, 2017

The Urban Spaceman said:
Sure, why not? I find it phenomenally useful to hear what does or doesn't work for readers of my opening sentences, what confuses them and why, what feelings I evoke (if any) and where my grammar has fallen over. But not everybody wants that. Some just want a yes, run with it or a no, revise it. And that's fine too. I do like to offer justification for my own crits, but they're all entirely IMHO, and I'm sure I could rein it in if you wanted a response without a crit.

ETA: I look forward to reading your work.

Thanks

I'm just debating in my head my opening, and may end up switching chapter one with chapter three but not exactly sure yet. I had someone say I had a spelling error and for the life of me I couldn't find it, and then when I asked that person to show me my spelling error I got crickets.

Marlys said:
Sometimes it takes more effort than others to explain why an opening doesn't work. If you don't find anything useful in a particular critique (long or short), thank the person who gave it and move on.

Yes I am thankful to anyone who takes the time to review, I hope it didn't seem like I was unappreciative of input. Sometimes it can be tricky when typing and the tone gets lost or misunderstood.
Happy Sunday fellow writers... I will continue to stalk this thread

MadisonWoods · Mar 19, 2017

Thanks Thecia and CJSimone, I think your sentiments reflect the consensus. I think I might toss out the first few paragraphs, actually, and get right to the action. After I think about it some more, I'll come back and post the new first three.

mrsmig · Mar 19, 2017

MadisonWoods said:
Thanks Thecia and CJSimone, I think your sentiments reflect the consensus. I think I might toss out the first few paragraphs, actually, and get right to the action. After I think about it some more, I'll come back and post the new first three.

Take your time. 24 hours between revisions is best - that gives a few more critters a chance to weigh in, and you the time to absorb the crits and revise thoughtfully.

ETA: Actually, I see that your opening is from a book you published last month. This thread is for works in progress, as it's a waste of time to crit something that's already published (see the first page of this thread for the rules).

tn_writer · Mar 19, 2017

BethS said:
So the situation is interesting--a teenage boy who likes to read poetry (or maybe just likes Whitman's poetry) and a father who doesn't approve. But the delivery is a kind of vague and muddy. Some of the questions it raised for me were distractions rather than enticements.

Thank you so much!

tn_writer · Mar 19, 2017

Thecla said:
Reading the sentences over, I'm wondering about events: George left the book on the table, his father defaced it somehow, and his mother saved it from the fire. But all this is speculation and I don't know for certain any of that happened. Much better to show me the damage to the book.

I've no idea how thick a first edition Leaves of Grass is but 'sturdy hardcover' is at odds, in my mind, at least, with 'slipped ... into his back pocket'. Does a reader need to be told Whitman wrote Leaves of Grass? If they don't know that already, then this whole opening is in vain and, if they do, then you're underrating them. No one likes being underrated. Trust your reader to understand - you're writing for the people who know about Whitman and know how his work was received. 'fifteen-year-old' face is a roundabout way of telling me George's age. Is knowing that important in the first three sentences? (I think not, but that could just be me).

Thanks so much for the feedback! I actually had four readers who had never heard of Leaves of Grass, and if you can believe it I had never heard of it until about 10 years ago and I have a master's in English (I still can't believe none of my professors--in undergraduate and graduate school--never assigned it). Anyway, something to think about while I poll the rest of my readers. Thanks again!

Goettsch · Mar 19, 2017

I think I've realized what I need to improve. I've been too concerned about how my writing sounds when I should be worried about whether or not it's functional. I should also note that I'm always looking to improve my grammar. Here's my revised first three sentences:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

mrsmig · Mar 19, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
I think I've realized what I need to improve. I've been too concerned about how my writing sounds when I should be worried about whether or not it's functional. I should also note that I'm always looking to improve my grammar. Here's my revised first three sentences:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other, marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

It's not bad, but that second sentence is a whopper. I think you could easily break it into two sentences, or better yet, lose the generalization about travelers and keep your focus on Donte, e.g. "A sense of pride in his accomplishment rose in Donte's mind, along with a tempting thought."

Overall, though, this is much better. I'd read on.

The Urban Spaceman · Mar 19, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

Much better. Like mrsmig said, it could be even stronger if you kept the focus on Donte, rather than breaking the immersion by bringing 'all who wander' into it, but I think overall this is a great start and definitely a huge improvement on your first offering.

There is only one tiny little nitpick I would make. I think the sentence of dialogue would be stronger if you cut the word "with" as it's unnecessary. Alternatively, move the word to earlier in the sentence: "Perhaps we can afford to reward ourselves with a drink"

Denevius · Mar 19, 2017

Alone in The Moon Bar, Hui Ying was settling onto her favorite barstool when the house phone rang.
“Ni hao, KTV,” she crisply answered the phone.
She snapped erect where she sat when she heard the caller’s name.

First sentence is passive, and will probably lose you quite a bit of readers with it.

Also, if this is a novel, why not set up your scene a bit more? You have tens of thousands of words to work with. Some descriptions about the Moon Bar, some POV thoughts. Something to pull us into the narrative.

You really don't have to start in the action. Start with some interesting details, and you'll hook readers.

JJ Litke · Mar 19, 2017

boppa said:
Slight niggle--if she has a favorite stool, that suggests to me she's a customer, not an employee, so I'm wondering why she's alone.

She's alone because, as will become clear, she tries to be first into the bar every night in order to prepare for her duties as the night progresses. Her favorite stool is just inside the entrance, in front of the phone. But is doesn't have a reserved sign on it and she'll give it up if there are lots of customers.

KTV loses me, and Googling the phrase brings up nothing.

That surprises me, when I Google "what is KTV" I get lots of info.

She snapped erect where she sat [awkward phrasing and unnecessary]

Both you and mrsmig have pointed this out (thank you both). My proposed rewrite, shown below, allows me to combine two sentences, I think. As long as the rewrite does not incorporate a comma splice, I can the move the story along to a new third sentence.

“Ni hao, KTV,” she answered crisply and snapped erect when the caller gave his name.

"I am Gee Chung.

This is a step backward for me--same problems as before, and now there's no setting or character to ground me.

Slow down and take your time with revisions.

leifwright · Mar 19, 2017

MadisonWoods said:
My first three are pretty short, so I'm already second guessing if maybe I should be saying more with the first three since that's the only chance to hook some readers. These are from the first book of a rural fantasy trilogy I'm working on:

Many people say that life can change in the blink of an eye. Most experience that kind of event once in a lifetime. Maybe twice.

I think your first three should say more about the story, rather than facts of common expression.

Here's the truth of platitudes: Life changes in the blink of an eye EVERY blink of every eye. You're different now than you were when you first started reading this sentence. I know what you're going for, but I'm just explaining that platitudes generally make poor openings. We experience life-changing blink-of-an-eye events every single eye blink, not just once in a lifetime. Not just twice.

Your opening should be more specific, rather than relying on cliche and platitude.

I wouldn't read on because of that, but I think you could, using that advice, rewrite this from a different place.

tiddlywinks · Mar 19, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
I think I've realized what I need to improve. I've been too concerned about how my writing sounds when I should be worried about whether or not it's functional. I should also note that I'm always looking to improve my grammar. Here's my revised first three sentences:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

Fresh eyes as I didn't see your first attempt. I would +1 mrsmig's suggestion regarding the second sentence.

That aside, I'm curious enough about what Donte is up to that I'd read on!

JJ Litke · Mar 19, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
I think I've realized what I need to improve. I've been too concerned about how my writing sounds when I should be worried about whether or not it's functional. I should also note that I'm always looking to improve my grammar. Here's my revised first three sentences:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

The second sentence is confusing, I had to reread it to figure it all out. I might read a little further and hope it's just an anomaly.

Jack Judah · Mar 19, 2017

Hello all. Been a while since I've been on here, took a walkabout from AW for a while. Back now, and still fighting to kratz out a rough draft of the same Exodus retelling I was working on the last time I posted here. New opening, new starting point (not that anyone but me is cursed with the memory of its predecessors).

Please tear in and do your worst. Ancient Egypt, 1274 B.C.:

In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

Sonsofthepharaohs · Mar 19, 2017

Jack Judah said:
Hello all. Been a while since I've been on here, took a walkabout from AW for a while.

Hi, and welcome back :hi:

Glad you haven't defenestrated yourself after all - I did start to wonder

Jack Judah said:
Back now, and still fighting to kratz out a rough draft of the same Exodus retelling I was working on the last time I posted here. New opening, new starting point (not that anyone but me is cursed with the memory of its predecessors).

I remember it! In fact, I remember both. I preferred the first version, so I'm interested to see what you scrapped the second one in favour of

Jack Judah said:
Please tear in and do your worst. Ancient Egypt, 1274 B.C.:

In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

It's well written, as usual. As befits HF, the prose style feels quite serious and weighty, with long and information-dense sentences. That does suggest this is going to be a slow start though, and my interest might start to wane if the writing continues in this style all the way through.

That said, the situation has tension and intrigue. Someone has committed murder in the pharaoh's palace, because he slept with another man's wife?

I'm in :greenie

But then you knew that already, because this is right in my wheel house, being set in Egypt only 5 years after my own story takes place

p.s. Need a beta?

JJ Litke · Mar 19, 2017

Jack Judah said:
Hello all. Been a while since I've been on here, took a walkabout from AW for a while. Back now, and still fighting to kratz out a rough draft of the same Exodus retelling I was working on the last time I posted here. New opening, new starting point (not that anyone but me is cursed with the memory of its predecessors).

Please tear in and do your worst. Ancient Egypt, 1274 B.C.:

In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

Welcome back, Jack! :hi:

I think the flow could be improved by splitting this up into shorter sentences, especially the third one, but that's really a nitpick. I'd definitely keep reading.

tiggs · Mar 19, 2017

Jack Judah said:
In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

If the guards were actively searching, rather than passively on watch, you'd increase the tension here.

I'd read on.

mrsmig · Mar 19, 2017

Jack Judah said:
Hello all. Been a while since I've been on here, took a walkabout from AW for a while. Back now, and still fighting to kratz out a rough draft of the same Exodus retelling I was working on the last time I posted here. New opening, new starting point (not that anyone but me is cursed with the memory of its predecessors).

Please tear in and do your worst. Ancient Egypt, 1274 B.C.:

In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

I like this, and my only quibble would be with the first two phrases of the first sentence. I think choosing one and jettisoning the other would tighten the prose and ramp up the tension. My personal preference would be to keep the "deep in a secluded corner" and drop the time of day someplace else in your opening graphs, if it's important to the action. There are other wordy places that could be tightened up, but I enjoyed the voice, and would read on.

Denevius · Mar 19, 2017

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

The first two lines are overly long. Honestly, I would have stopped reading at the first sentence which starts off with what feels like stage directions, and then goes on too long with a conjunction when a period would have been better.

The second line shares many of the same problems.

And though people talk to their animals, I think the line of dialog is a bit too refined.

My suggestion is to go simpler.

CJSimone · Mar 19, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
I think I've realized what I need to improve. I've been too concerned about how my writing sounds when I should be worried about whether or not it's functional. I should also note that I'm always looking to improve my grammar. Here's my revised first three sentences:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

Hi Stargazer770. I'd read on. I'm curious about the town and I like the way the character talks to his horse.

neandermagnon · Mar 19, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
I think I've realized what I need to improve. I've been too concerned about how my writing sounds when I should be worried about whether or not it's functional. I should also note that I'm always looking to improve my grammar. Here's my revised first three sentences:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

I like this better than the first version. The first sentence really gripped me. I like the splintered post and I also like how this one makes the setting clear and I have much more to visualise. The second sentence seems like you're trying to explain too much rather than letting the reader figure out what's going on. Things that can be inferred feel redundant when you say them as well. Trust the reader to get it. My suggested edit:

With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him when he realized just how far he'd traveled.

"Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

This is just a suggestion. Please feel free to disregard it or rework it and I've tried to preserve as much of your voice as I can.

neandermagnon · Mar 19, 2017

boppa said:
After mulling over your helpful critiques for a week and a bit, here's my revised three sentence opening.

Alone in The Moon Bar, Hui Ying was settling onto her favorite barstool when the house phone rang.
“Ni hao, KTV,” she crisply answered the phone.
She snapped erect where she sat when she heard the caller’s name.

This is a massive improvement on the first version. I'd read on to find out more.

Nitpicks: I agree that "snapped erect" sounds painful.

The KTV thing doesn't bother me at this point. I'm expecting the meaning will come clear from the context, but I currently have no idea what it means. It would become an issue if there's lots of unfamiliar names/initials and/or the meaning doesn't become clear from the context.

Thecla · Mar 20, 2017

Jack Judah said:
In the first hour of the night's final watch, deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, he cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

I didn't see the earlier version. This isn't for me. Too much of this is explaining why he's there; even if the reason itself is interesting, the explanation isn't. I also dislike being given a character's full name in the first sentence.

Thecla · Mar 20, 2017

StarGazer770 said:
With one hand Donte held his map against the splintered post and with the other marked the path that led him here, to this little town just outside the capital of Rosaque. A sense of pride welled up in him, a feeling all who wander experience when they realize just how far they have traveled, and with this realization a tempting thought appeared in Donte’s mind. "Perhaps we can afford a drink to reward ourselves with," he said to his horse.

Hello again. This version does sort out where Donte is, which helps. Sentence 2 rambles a bit (and, as I've said in response to another opening, I'm wary of generalisations of the 'Everyone knows X' variety). I like the maner with which he addresses the horse in sentence 3. I'm not exactly hooked but I'd read the rest of the page to see if I settled into it or not.

ap123 · Mar 20, 2017

Jack Judah said:
Hello all. Been a while since I've been on here, took a walkabout from AW for a while. Back now, and still fighting to kratz out a rough draft of the same Exodus retelling I was working on the last time I posted here. New opening, new starting point (not that anyone but me is cursed with the memory of its predecessors).

Please tear in and do your worst. Ancient Egypt, 1274 B.C.:

In the first hour of the night's final watch, Deep in a secluded corner of Pharaoh's private garden, Asha Hebsed crouched beside a lotus pool and washed the blood from his hands.

As he scrubbed, He cursed the ill twists of fortune that had forced him to bare blade within the very halls of the Great House. Pleasure had brought him to the palace, not business, but in these times of strife and discord, apparently even the luxury of stealing a tumble with a lesser man's wife could mean unexpected sword work.

I would read on for sure, but I think it would flow better without the phrases in red.

[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

Homesteader, Author,Nature Liaison

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Existential quandary

People are not wearing enough hats

Mired in the miry mire.

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies

People are not wearing enough hats

Lost somewhere on the Nile

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy

People are not wearing enough hats

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Imagine a story

Imagine a story

Twitching