Teens Writing for Teens, the 5th
- Thread starter It's-Magic!
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Thanks! These are the last two paragraphs. The lines in purple are the ones I'm questioning. I've been told that the first bit of the first paragraph is cliche. I've been trying to figure out how to make it not cliche but I can't seem to think of anything. I kind of want to do something horse-related but nothing works. Like "When their late night sessions send their hearts galloping..." or something like that. I don't know if I like how that sounds, though.
MH suggests having a line describing your next project but I can't seem to condense CT into one line because I always feel like I have to explain the world-building and the characters. If I knew that I was definitely going to work on Rewind next, I'd put that in instead, but I haven't decided for sure what my next WIP will be.
That first line does sound a bit cliched. I think galloping hearts sounds a bit too much like a pun given the context of the horses. Perhaps their late-night sessions start their pulses racing? Or you could give a specific incident like a near-kiss?
I might slightly correct "will appeal" to "is aimed at", since you can't state with any confidence whether it will appeal to those audiences until it starts selling oodles of copies.
That piece of advice from the agent (is that Merr1lee He1fetz?) is interesting. I haven't heard that one before. You might follow her advice when querying her but possibly not with other agents, since it's not standard, I don't think.
I might slightly correct "will appeal" to "is aimed at", since you can't state with any confidence whether it will appeal to those audiences until it starts selling oodles of copies.
That piece of advice from the agent (is that Merr1lee He1fetz?) is interesting. I haven't heard that one before. You might follow her advice when querying her but possibly not with other agents, since it's not standard, I don't think.
Okay, well, I'm sure you don't want my opinion because frankly my query is terrible, but I think the description of the book is WAY too short. As an agent, I can't really get into the story without hearing more about it. I really think that that first half should give off some appeal; I know its part of a series, but market the book alone. Also, I personally wouldn't reccomend saying that it is a series, because an agent wonders why you have been rejected so many times if you are unpublished with a long series. That's just me, but I really want to read more about the book your querying for. You aren't querying the series, at least not yet, just the one book. Focus more on that one book and give us a better idea of what its about. Include stuff about the series but don't say its a series.
everyone is tested at birth for genes that cause people to kill, lie, and cheat featuring two boys that begin to question if genes really do mean everything
Mix this into the beginning and delete the part about the series.
You don't have to take my advice, though.
everyone is tested at birth for genes that cause people to kill, lie, and cheat featuring two boys that begin to question if genes really do mean everything
Mix this into the beginning and delete the part about the series.
You don't have to take my advice, though.
You can say that they are "head over hooves in love", unless that sounds corny. I think its kinda funny. Good Luck, HR.
Man, this scene is kicking my ass. All this heavy emotional stuff is exhausting. I'm going to go take some painkillers for my headache. 
Thanks! Okay. I want to work in a specific example, but their romance is kind of complicated for a query. Their first kiss actually takes place before they start working with Smoke and it's not even a real kiss. Long story.
Point taken.
Man*dy Hub*bar*d. She talks about it on her blog here:
http://mandyhubbard.livejournal.com/236498.html
Myst, where are you getting that this is a series? WTS is a standalone.
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Oh, from your last line. I didn't realize that it was pitching a total seperate book, I thought it was pitching the next in the series. Silly me...
Thanks.
That's cute and funny, but I'm afraid that an agent would expect that kind of humor in the book too and that's not my book.
Okay, guys. What do you think about the new line? I've included the rest of the query so that it's not out of context.
*taps fingers* I'm not sure.
Yes, I guess...
I think you misunderstood me or maybe I phrased it wrong when I was talking about the book. It's good; it has a good plot, an intense beginning and ending, strong characters (for the most part). I just said that the plot falters a little in the middle and that some characters aren't very well developed (2 or 3). I still think its good though I highly doubt it will get published... Worth a try, right? I have my hopes for the next one, though. It is REALLY cool.
And also my query has much improved... I think... and is pretty compelling in my opinion but that is thanks to those who edited it in QLH
I think you misunderstood me or maybe I phrased it wrong when I was talking about the book. It's good; it has a good plot, an intense beginning and ending, strong characters (for the most part). I just said that the plot falters a little in the middle and that some characters aren't very well developed (2 or 3). I still think its good though I highly doubt it will get published... Worth a try, right? I have my hopes for the next one, though. It is REALLY cool.
And also my query has much improved... I think... and is pretty compelling in my opinion but that is thanks to those who edited it in QLH
It's good, but I have a few comments.
You use the word "wonders" too much and "One summer" is blech. It's like saying "once upon a time there was a criminal who wanted to escape from a ranch". Not good. Otherwise, its pretty solid. I also think that the last sentences can pop a bit more than they do. It has the potential to be a good conclusion, but it is written in kind of a dull, uninteresting way. Otherwise, great query.
Good luck!
You use the word "wonders" too much and "One summer" is blech. It's like saying "once upon a time there was a criminal who wanted to escape from a ranch". Not good. Otherwise, its pretty solid. I also think that the last sentences can pop a bit more than they do. It has the potential to be a good conclusion, but it is written in kind of a dull, uninteresting way. Otherwise, great query.
Good luck!
I'm not feeling the galloping hearts. I guess I find horses actively unsexy, so horse imagery doesn't really do it for me. That's probably personal taste though.
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What a night. watched 2 episodes of trueblood i missed and still got 2 left along with torchwood .Anyway, im going to read now. night night xx
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