demented character lines

I haven't written anything that I can remember, so let me throw some lines out that I'll use in the future.

"Have you ever seen one of our villages, Andi?

We keep our homes dry by nailing shingles to our roofs.

We keep our people safe by nailing criminals to crosses."

Here's one:

Insibielle, after a (somewhat verbal) battle with her maid Dorta, to her uncle: "Do you think it's mean of me to think those Quaalians did us all a favor when they cut out her tongue?"

Good Lord, probably EVERYTHING my characters say is demented when taken out of context. ;_; *wishes she had the patience to look up examples*

I once had a character say something along the lines of "Manabozho, I just made a deal with a bird the size of an airplane. I rather think we're BEYOND surprised, by now." I know there must be tons more, including of the "scarily demented" rather than "just weirdly demented" type.

Good idea for a thread, though.

I couldn't help but jump in, tehuti88 after reading your signature. I live in the U.P. of Michigan and my favorite place in the summer is Mackinac Island. Last August, my husband and I stayed at the Chippewa Hotel. We asked for a complimentary upgrade and received a two-room suite overlooking the Lake.

Okay, so not very demented sounding, but have you ever been up here in the winter? Now that's wicked.

"Just because I disemboweled her doesn't mean I don't like her," said Stan.

"Death kinda puts a serious wedge in your relationship," said Frankie.

"Hey, she's way more tender and caring now. Plus, she doesn't talk so much."

I don't have much in the new WIP yet, but I wrote these yesterday:

"I don't think my toast rack has what it takes to be a killing machine."

And then this part of a conversation that comes a bit later:

"So you've come here to rid the city of its demons."

Nodding, she turned to face him. "Yes."

"And you want me to help you."

She tilted her head to one side. "Is that a problem?"

"Lady, I think your corset's laced too tight because you're not getting enough oxygen to your brain."

My characters say odd things even in context.

off the top of my head, something along the lines of, "I should've just eaten her. Screw it."

But I'm sure better examples would exist somewhere.

"I snapped their necks so they wouldn’t feel the pain of death and took care to not rip their flesh when I caught them."

"Planning your little schemes, are we?" asked Travysa, a wicked grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.
“I know you would rather that it would take a big scheme to beat you, but yes. So sorry to have disappointed you.” I smirked.

My characters don't say demented things, they just do them.

Well...you asked:

“There to go for you. Constantinople.”

“That’s not Constantinople. That’s Bordeaux.”

“No, is Constantinople.”

“Look, I know Constantinople when I see it, and that’s not Constantinople.”

They were standing on the deck, Henry and Captain Dimi, staring at the city that was definitely not Constantinople.

“How for you to say is not Constantinople!?”

“For one thing, Constantinople is on the sea, and this is a river.”

“But this just river side of Constantinople. How you know other side not sea side?”

“Because this is the Garonne river. That city would have to stretch for fifteen hundred miles for the other side to be the sea.”

“Look is there.” Dimi pointed. “Church of St. Sophia.”

“That’s a warehouse.”

“There is Golden Horn.”

“Barge dock.”

“Straits of Bosporus.”

“Drainage ditch. Do you really think you can get away with this?”

Captain Dimi draped a friendly arm around Henry’s shoulder. “Crazy visions you got. Come with me to barber, we bleed you, you see right, everything good. I buy for you first leech.”

A character was extremely frustrated after his former girlfriend gave him grief about his relationship with another woman. When a (male) friend questioned him, somewhat disapprovingly, about the same woman, he shot out, "Jealous?"

The friend almost took him at face value...

“That is my Automatic Shepherd,” said Gervasius with pride. “Have you ever rubbed wool onto amber, and then noted that the amber attracted bits of parchment?”

“Not recently, no-“

“According to the Aethiopica of Marcellus, the Hesperans were able to generate more of this force of attraction by means of a lodestone device like this one. Now, as you can see, I’ve placed a stuffed sheep here by the door. If my calculations are correct, once we fire this baby up, it should attract the sheep’s skin, and the sheep should fly across the room to the device. Imagine it. Sheepdogs, obsolete!”

Smiling Ted said:

Well...you asked:

“There to go for you. Constantinople.”

“That’s not Constantinople. That’s Bordeaux.”

“No, is Constantinople.”

“Look, I know Constantinople when I see it, and that’s not Constantinople.”

They were standing on the deck, Henry and Captain Dimi, staring at the city that was definitely not Constantinople.

“How for you to say is not Constantinople!?”

“For one thing, Constantinople is on the sea, and this is a river.”

“But this just river side of Constantinople. How you know other side not sea side?”

“Because this is the Garonne river. That city would have to stretch for fifteen hundred miles for the other side to be the sea.”

“Look is there.” Dimi pointed. “Church of St. Sophia.”

“That’s a warehouse.”

“There is Golden Horn.”

“Barge dock.”

“Straits of Bosporus.”

“Drainage ditch. Do you really think you can get away with this?”

Captain Dimi draped a friendly arm around Henry’s shoulder. “Crazy visions you got. Come with me to barber, we bleed you, you see right, everything good. I buy for you first leech.”

Click to expand...

That reminds me a classic Les Luthiers joke:

"I would never believe that New York was like that"

"That's because we're arriving to Canary Island"

The crowds that had shuffled their way north were now compacting into two lines of travelers, waiting before the gates for the chance to enter. Soldiers with pikes walked down the line, asking questions.

“Name?”

“Roger the Hermit, plus one,” replied Henry promptly.

The pikeman stared at them dubiously. “We’ve got all the filthy beggars we need right now. Maybe your master could come back in fifty years?”

“But your honor, my master is of exceeding holiness! He passes miracles all the time!”

“Entertainment, eh? Why didn’t you say so? What’s his line?”

“Speaking in tongues.”

“Brek-ek-ek-ex! Brek-ek-ek-ex! Ko-kwax! Ko-kwax!” babbled Percy obligingly. Maybe he was getting the hang of this after all.

The pikeman sighed. “That might play in the sticks, kid, but this is Paris. He got anything else up his sleeve?”

“Uh...healings?”

The pikeman's expression cleared. “Now that’s always good for a franc or two. My cousin, he’s got the leprosy –“

“Master Roger healed a blind puppy last week. We’re trying to work our way up. Got any sick goats?”

this thread made me laugh! Ted, I love the 'working up' on the miracles. Hah. Goats.



I guess I should pitch in with a little exerpt of my own ...




The piercing wail that had been raised over the Castle disappeared with an unhealthy ‘ulp!’, and Dragon swished its tail happily, mowing down what remained of the east bulwark.

“Well,” said Septimus, standing up and rubbing his bruised rump as he appraised the giant winged lizard that was licking its jaws happily. “There goes Cici.”

“She wasn’t really good at this sort of thing anyway,” Quentin pointed out. “I mean, you’d think by now she’d realize that she was a bloody implet, not some banshee. That scream does nothing but annoy everyone in earshot.”

“True, but she was our sister,” Septimus said. “Aren’t we obligated to be sad or something?”

“Nah,” Quentin said, dusting the dirt off his blue clothing. “We don’t have to be sad until she’s fully digested. That gives us another four hours of happiness, at least.”

“Sounds fair,” Septimus conceded, and returned his attention to the general destruction of the east wing.

Nivarion said:

another conversation starter.

its quite obvious that eventually a character is going to say something that is terrifyingly demented, out of contex. what are your favorites that you have gotten your characters to say.

my two are

Ma'Hanade "this city has many remains of people who died at the hands of the witch in it." stuff happens "My favorite two are over here."

Nivarion (his name changes) "Im going to lay this out for you xarme, if my daugter is alive and well, you will come to ariam and be a slave to the empire for the rest of your days" stuff happens "If she is ill, then i will put you in the air lock and jettison you" more stuff "I have seen a history of torture so long that my world does not remember the beginings of my memory, and i am straining to think of what i will do to you if she is dead."

Click to expand...

Who hated their child enough to name him (her? it?) xarme?

from my fantasy WIP (pregnancy has got my MC a little bit stressed out):

"Let me put it to you another way, Frankie," she said with an exasperated sigh. "I don't want to go have lunch on Mitchell's yacht, because I am enormously pregnant and I sweat like a cow. My feet hurt, I have to pee exactly every fifteen minutes, and if there is an international prize for being the world's crankiest human being, I would win it hand's down. But if you make me go to lunch today, I will have to accept that prize from within a maximum security women's prison, where they will have sent me for quadruple jerks-on-a-yacht-icide, a crime of passion committed in the throes of lunchtime."