Read Books By AWers!

Welcome to the AbsoluteWrite Water Cooler! Please read The Newbie Guide To Absolute Write

editing for authors ad

A publisher or agency using Google ads to solicit your novel probably isn't anyone you want to write for.


Go Back   Absolute Write Water Cooler > The Break Room > TIO
Register FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-27-2012, 02:51 AM   #1
John R. Gambit
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 83
John R. Gambit is on a distinguished road
Talking Funny Texts [Adult Language/Humor]

I frequently engage in these long, drawn out text conversations with friends where we try to make each other laugh. I thought I'd post up the one I'm having right now--for everyone's entertainment--since apparently I'm not going to get any work done today.

Girl Texting [Part 1]

[Here I am already begging/guilting her to see me for coffee as she has told me she doesn't have the free time to see a movie with me today. She has told me maybe about the coffee.]

Me: And I take your last message as your agreement that you will hang out with me later today. I'm already getting ready so any future refusal is both rude and cruel.
Girl: I meant later today. I'm not sure what time.
Me: I'm ready. I'm just sitting here starring at the clock. No saying no now.
Girl: Aren't you going to a movie?

[Secretly I intend to use coffee as an excuse to further plead my movie case.]

Me: I can plan it around coffee. It's not like they're expecting me at a certain time. Wait. Are they?
Girl: Well, the movie has start times. But of course you know that. Ass.
Me: Yeah, they kinda go all day though. Did ya think they clumped 'em all up during the lunch hour only? You did, huh?
Girl: Umm, no. I've been to the movies before.

[I'm back on steroids for a persistent stomach infection.]

Me: I am so cracked out on roids right now. Do you need me to lift anything? Or scream at anyone?
Me: I think I'm gonna go for a second run. My legs probably wouldn't like that. I could go to the park in the grass. Yes, I'm gonna do that. I'll take you with me. [I normally never take my phone on runs.] Less likely I'll need to kick any dogs up there. [I am teasing her here because I jog in farm country and when I'm nearly bitten by aggressive dogs, she pleads the case of how innocent and victimless those dogs are.]

Me: But I showered and rubbed my legs down in a hot Epsom salt bath already. Maybe I could just masturbate 4-5 times instead? Yeah, that's easier. Thank God for Internet porn. Don't worry, I'll take you with me for that too!
Girl: Hahaha, boys are gross.
Me: Wait, it's gross when we masturbate?
Me: It's fucking beautiful you insensative bitch. When I masturbate, cherubs flutter overhead playing tiny harps.
Girl: *insensitive.
Me: Do not correct me! I am the man here! Ben Franklin was a bad speller too, and he invented electricity and took naked air baths!
Girl: Don't tell me you're the man like it means something. Men have very little purpose in the modern world.
Me: We control all of the sperm... Don't even ask for any now, because I won't let you have it.
Girl: Except the idea of free porn and fast cash draws men to sperm banks, where they relinquish control of it. LoL.
Me: That's not the good sperm. 99% of the good sperm comes from my testicles. I was afraid if you knew you would covet it.
Girl: Coffee time is in 30 mins. I checked.

[To be continued...]

So if ya got any funny text conversations, post 'em up!

Last edited by John R. Gambit; 02-27-2012 at 03:03 AM. Reason: Style edit.
John R. Gambit is offline  
Old 02-27-2012, 03:55 AM   #2
Silver King
Megalops Erectus
AW Moderator
 
Silver King's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Florida (West Central)
Posts: 12,444
Silver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsSilver King is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
I might be missing something here, as I'm having trouble finding the humor in that exchange. And the "adult language" you've warned us about merely comes across as juvenile banter.

In any case, the TIO room is better suited for this topic, so I'll move it there now from Office Party.
Silver King is offline  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:06 PM   #3
Amadan
Toaster
 
Amadan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 5,284
Amadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsAmadan is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Wow, I'll bet you get all the chicks.
Amadan is offline  
Old 02-27-2012, 08:18 PM   #4
Theo81
Benefactor Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,290
Theo81 has a double-platinum reputationTheo81 has a double-platinum reputationTheo81 has a double-platinum reputationTheo81 has a double-platinum reputationTheo81 has a double-platinum reputationTheo81 has a double-platinum reputationTheo81 has a double-platinum reputation
Plus Ben Franklin did not invent electricity, nor did he discover it. It was first observed by the ancient Greeks then later by the English William Gilbert (who gave it its name). Franklin proved lightning was electricity.
Theo81 is offline  
Old 02-28-2012, 11:40 AM   #5
John R. Gambit
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 83
John R. Gambit is on a distinguished road
Everyone is a critic. I was hoping we might be able to start a whole, "Damn You Autocorrect," type thread here, but I failed to account for how sophisticated everyone is. I apologize and I will attempt to be more pretentious in the future.

Also, I didn't realize there was a more appropriate place to post such topics. Sorry 'bout that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Theo81 View Post
Plus Ben Franklin did not invent electricity, nor did he discover it. It was first observed by the ancient Greeks then later by the English William Gilbert (who gave it its name). Franklin proved lightning was electricity.
Yeah, that was kinda the joke. I'm also aware that Newton didn't invent gravity. Consequently, are you available to be my science consultant?
John R. Gambit is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 02:22 PM   #6
Old Hack
crazy mean
SuperModerator
 
Old Hack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: In chaos
Posts: 17,148
Old Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Quote:
Originally Posted by John R. Gambit View Post
Everyone is a critic. I was hoping we might be able to start a whole, "Damn You Autocorrect," type thread here, but I failed to account for how sophisticated everyone is. I apologize and I will attempt to be more pretentious in the future.
The thing about "Damn You, Autocorrect" is that it's funny. This isn't.

DYA is funny because the messages sent are inappropriate and unintentional; your messages are inappropriate but intentional.

And those little digs you made about sophistication and pretentiousness? They're not funny either.

You're relatively new to AW so perhaps you've not really understood how this place works. I urge you to read the newbie guide right now; and take some time to acquaint yourself with the prevailing tone here. It'll stand you in good stead.

Quote:
Also, I didn't realize there was a more appropriate place to post such topics. Sorry 'bout that.
I'm not sure that anywhere, at AW or anywhere else, is truly appropriate for your post. I'll show you why.

Quote:
Originally Posted by John R. Gambit View Post
I frequently engage in these long, drawn out text conversations with friends where we try to make each other laugh. I thought I'd post up the one I'm having right now--for everyone's entertainment--since apparently I'm not going to get any work done today.
Do you have permission to quote all these texts from the woman you were texting with? Because if not you're infringing her copyright. AW is a place for writers, and writers should be aware that copyright infringement is a big deal.

Quote:
Girl Texting [Part 1]
How old is this girl? Six or seven? No? Older? How much older? Is she twelve or fourteen? Older? Perhaps she's eighteen or twenty. If so, then the term "girl" is inappropriate. "Woman" would be better. "Girl" sounds dismissive; but then it does set the tone for what follows. And not in a good way.

Quote:
[Here I am already begging/guilting her to see me for coffee as she has told me she doesn't have the free time to see a movie with me today. She has told me maybe about the coffee.]
She's told you she doesn't have the free time to see a movie with you, and you're trying to "guilt her" into having coffee with you. Right.

I'd guess that she didn't want to see a movie with you and was trying to let you down gently. I know that when I do want to see someone I can generally make time to see them; or I tell them I can't do that movie but I could definitely do coffee, something like that.

To put it another way, she has already told you NO but you're ignoring that, and because asking her nicely didn't work you're now trying to guilt her into spending time with you.

Quote:
Me: And I take your last message as your agreement that you will hang out with me later today. I'm already getting ready so any future refusal is both rude and cruel.
Girl: I meant later today. I'm not sure what time.
She says no again. Admittedly in a rather vague way: but she's not saying yes, and she's putting another barrier in your way. She's letting you down as gently as she can.

Quote:
Me: I'm ready. I'm just sitting here starring at the clock. No saying no now.
Girl: Aren't you going to a movie?

[Secretly I intend to use coffee as an excuse to further plead my movie case.]
You're badgering her into saying yes when she's already said no TWICE, and if you manage that you're planning to manipulate her into agreeing to something else she's already told you she doesn't want to do. Classy.

Quote:
Me: I can plan it around coffee. It's not like they're expecting me at a certain time. Wait. Are they?
Girl: Well, the movie has start times. But of course you know that. Ass.
Me: Yeah, they kinda go all day though. Did ya think they clumped 'em all up during the lunch hour only? You did, huh?
Girl: Umm, no. I've been to the movies before.
She's dismissing you and getting a little hostile here and yet you still don't get the message.

Quote:
[I'm back on steroids for a persistent stomach infection.]

Me: I am so cracked out on roids right now. Do you need me to lift anything? Or scream at anyone?
Me: I think I'm gonna go for a second run. My legs probably wouldn't like that. I could go to the park in the grass. Yes, I'm gonna do that. I'll take you with me. [I normally never take my phone on runs.] Less likely I'll need to kick any dogs up there. [I am teasing her here because I jog in farm country and when I'm nearly bitten by aggressive dogs, she pleads the case of how innocent and victimless those dogs are.]
If these farm dogs are only nearly biting you, they aren't actually biting you at all. Nevertheless you're kicking them. That's brave. Kicking dogs who don't bite you. It takes a big man to do that.

Quote:
Me: But I showered and rubbed my legs down in a hot Epsom salt bath already. Maybe I could just masturbate 4-5 times instead? Yeah, that's easier. Thank God for Internet porn. Don't worry, I'll take you with me for that too!
Girl: Hahaha, boys are gross.
Me: Wait, it's gross when we masturbate?
Me: It's fucking beautiful you insensative bitch. When I masturbate, cherubs flutter overhead playing tiny harps.
Girl: *insensitive.
One minute you're asking her to have coffee with you and now you're talking to her about masturbating, taking her along for the ride, and calling her a bitch?

There's nothing funny or appropriate about this. It's threatening, aggressive, and intimidating.

Quote:
Me: Do not correct me! I am the man here! Ben Franklin was a bad speller too, and he invented electricity and took naked air baths!
Girl: Don't tell me you're the man like it means something. Men have very little purpose in the modern world.
Me: We control all of the sperm... Don't even ask for any now, because I won't let you have it.
Girl: Except the idea of free porn and fast cash draws men to sperm banks, where they relinquish control of it. LoL.
Me: That's not the good sperm. 99% of the good sperm comes from my testicles. I was afraid if you knew you would covet it.
Girl: Coffee time is in 30 mins. I checked.

[To be continued...]

So if ya got any funny text conversations, post 'em up!
I've had lots of funny text conversations. I find nothing funny about yours.

Read your conversation back but try to put yourself in her place. See how it looks from there.

What I see is a woman who is dealing with a man who belittles her by calling her a girl, and by thinking it's funny to reproduce their private texts in a public forum probably without even thinking whether she'd be ok with that.

I see a woman being harassed by a man who repeatedly ignores her when she repeatedly says no; a man who tries to guilt-trip her into spending time with him; a man who escalates the conversation into explicit sexual detail for no reason; and a man who responds to the woman's continued refusal to see him by calling her names.

A man who is manipulative, aggressive, and intimidating; a man who thinks it's funny to employ casual violence towards dogs he meets on his runs (which implies that you're probably strong and fit, which makes you even more potentially intimidating); a man who, when his rudeness is gently pointed out by people here responds with thinly disguised digs and who even, as he reads this, still might not get why it's such a big deal.

If that's the case, consider this: if instead of asking her to see a movie you were trying to get her to have sex with you, would your bullying, coercive and threatening behaviour be appropriate?

So yeah. Go and read the newbie guide. And apologise to the woman whose texts you quoted here and after that, don't contact her ever again.
Old Hack is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 04:08 PM   #7
Stacia Kane
Girl Detective
AW Moderator
 
Stacia Kane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: In cahoots with the other boo-birds
Posts: 8,111
Stacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsStacia Kane is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Quote:
Originally Posted by John R. Gambit View Post
Everyone is a critic. I was hoping we might be able to start a whole, "Damn You Autocorrect," type thread here, but I failed to account for how sophisticated everyone is. I apologize and I will attempt to be more pretentious in the future.

Hmm. What I find pretentious is the automatic assumption that others are not only interested in, but amused and charmed by, reading one's private text discussions about masturbation.

Starting a thread with the sole purpose of saying "Look at me! I'm funny!" just strikes me that way, sorry.

I've had a lot of funny online/text discussions with friends, but I don't assume everyone else will find them adorable (and wouldn't post my friends's texts without permission). Especially when, as has been pointed out, they actually read like sexual harassment. They may not be, of course, because only you and the woman in question know what your relationship is, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? We don't know you well and we don't know who the woman is or what your relationship is, so this just sounds kind of offensive.

Personally the minute a guy I knew casually started talking about his plans to jerk off to me, I'd be done. I find that crude, not amusing, and I certainly don't think that's "pretentious" of me, like there's something wrong with me because I don't find the idea of you yanking it to some sexual fantasy of me utterly sexy and delightful. Like I'm supposed to accept with blushing gratitude your reducing me to fodder for your own fantasies. Of course every woman is different, but that's why it's important to know your audience.

Sorry.
__________________
http://www.staciakane.com

FIVE DOWN, a Downside anthology, available now!
Four previously published short stories and one brand new novella, together in one volume.

Click here for more details.


WRONG WAYS DOWN available now!

Stacia Kane is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:38 PM   #8
seun
Horror Man
 
seun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 9,709
seun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsseun is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stacia Kane View Post
Sorry.
I'm a man and I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed, to be honest.

The issue with this sort of conversation/text is it all depends on the relationship between the people having the conversation. If they know each other extremely well and they know where each other's boundaries are, then it's amusing for them. For everyone else, it's a "...uh...where do we look..." sort of moment.

I've got a few female friends I could have a conversation with which would strike others as inappropriate, but we know each other and we know what we can and cannot say simply because we've been friends for so long. The conversation would be between us and not shared with the whole world.
__________________
Mirror Of The Nameless available now.


My site My twitter My facebook
seun is offline  
Old 02-29-2012, 09:32 PM   #9
Old Hack
crazy mean
SuperModerator
 
Old Hack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: In chaos
Posts: 17,148
Old Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate complimentsOld Hack is so great that we've run out of appropriate compliments
I see no useful direction that this thread can go and so I'm closing it.

If anyone has good reason for it to be reopened, PM me.
Old Hack is offline  
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Custom Search

If this site is helpful to you,
Please consider a voluntary subscription to defray ongoing expenses.

Buy Scrivener 2 for Mac OS X (Regular Licence)


All times are GMT +4.5. The time now is 03:11 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.