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Thread: Compilations

  1. #1
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    Talking Compilations

    Now and then, some threads have a great following and the results of the efforts of the participants are delightful. Recently, while under the weather with the flu, I thought it would be fun to see just how many limericks we completed. Okay, so mega-doses of pain killers and high fevers can do strange things to a person's sense of propriety.

    Anyway, I did it. And, I was astounded. Since the very first limerick game was begun back in June, 2004, some 1624 verses recognizable as limerics have been completed. Pat yourselves on the back!

    I will paste in my compilations, then close this thread. If you have ideas for other compilations, please, feel free to PM me.

    (who is now mostly all better)
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  2. #2
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Preamble

    [This is the original Limerick thread in the Watercooler, began June 1, 2004, by MacAllister Stone, who, I'm sure, had no clue then that she would one day own this place. The completed limericks along with a smattering of commentary are presented here for your enjoyment. The original thread is in the Office Party as Limericks are like Potato Chips... .

    MacAl Stone:
    I've just recently discovered the joy of this--and somehow it's much more fun done as a group effort--not to mention I'm just not smart enough to make up very many of them alone.
    So if you love a limerick, jump write in with a line of your own!

    One night at a tawdry casino...

    One night at a tawdry casino
    A waitress spilled gallons of vino
    Said the dealer in black,
    "Now put it all back"
    "We'll serve it to patrons of Keno"

    MacAl Stone: folks are gonna be good at this, I can already tell!

    A charming young lassie from Barstow
    Broke the heart of a laddie from Glasgow
    When she scoffed at his kilt
    He was ticked, to the hilt...
    But his kilt still showed hilt from his love-glow.

    I rode a jackass named DeWayne
    through the house of my ex-wife Elaine
    she had it coming, 'cause
    A lousy cook, she was.
    And never at home to complain!

    There once was a monkey from Boston
    Who asked how much peanuts were costin'
    And whenever he ate
    He would gripe to his mate,
    "Chewing nuts without teeth is exhausting."

    Whatever became of Buck Rogers?
    And where now is our own Duck Dodgers?
    These heroes from space
    We somehow replace
    With senile and cooty ol' codgers.

    There once was a man with no hair
    Not even his eyebrows were there
    He picked up some wool
    Gave a twist and a pull
    And crafted a wig a la Cher

    Deep in the mountains of Tennessee
    A man was attacked by killer bees
    He seized a jar of honey
    Said, "Man, this ain't funny"
    And glued all the bees to the trees.

    There once was a bad dirty joke
    That not even Larry Flynt spoke.
    It cited a miner,
    a booth in a diner
    the miner was a dirtier bloke

    Two lads fought for the hand of a lass
    They threw T-shirts and socks made of glass
    Some filled with liquor
    But here was the kicker:
    Neither knew of her great sass.

    I once was awarded a kumquat
    For nothing more than getting my thumb caught
    In the fork of a tree
    While extending one knee
    The cause? I have no idea what.

    I once was awarded a kumquat
    For nothing more than getting my thumb caught
    In the fork of a tree
    While extending one knee
    Was the prize well deserved? I say somewhat.

    While sipping a vodka martini
    I studied a purple bikini
    It really was tiny
    And I felt a bit whiny
    'Cause my figure ain't long since looked eeny.

    A couple of trout in a creek
    Saw a lure all shiny and sleek
    Said the one to the other
    "I think that my mother
    Passed on when she– Don't bite it! EEK!"

    Tex started to paint his front bedroom
    then swept up the dirt with a wet bloom
    In the corner he found
    an elf spinning around
    Guess he shouldn't have eaten that mushroom!

    The flavor of cherry tomatoes
    Showed up in the bowl of potatoes
    If it weren't for the meat
    They'd have nothing to eat
    Except for the snack mix Gar-day-ttos

    As I dug and I hoed in my garden
    The ol' arteries began to harden
    I yelled for a nurse
    and asked for my purse
    and read up on God's rules for a pardon.

    Don't ask me the price of insurance
    My wrecks are a common occurrence
    Just this morning while heading
    To my ex boyfriend's wedding
    I ran over the blushing bride's parents (?) - urance was hard!

    A young fellow named Q.Tarantino
    who wears clothes made by Valentino
    Read a stunning new script
    'Bout a girl and her whip
    Then danced in a tub of maraschino.

    Ol' Sam said he never would marry
    "The prospect," said he,"is too scary.
    Although marital bliss
    With the right little Miss
    Surely would not be quite so hairy.

    I've eaten three pounds of salami
    Piled atop of a pound of pastrami
    On the Atkins diet
    All I do is fry it
    It creates in my gut a tsunami

    A brilliant young lad from Missoula
    was trying to learn how to hula
    But he threw out his hip
    while grabbing a tip
    and fell right on top of Miss Sula

    A man, a mouse and a chimpanzee
    Decided to make their gang of three
    into a four-some
    By invitin' their chum
    the clarinet playing, black donkey

    An old man in a town far away
    Made his home in a barn full of hay
    he snuffled and wheezed
    and repeatedly sneezed
    He bought some Clariton on Ebay

    A girl in a sequined dress said,
    "I think that I should have invested
    In satin for a beau
    Too bad I didn't know
    I'll go shopping again when I've rested."

    A very methodical plumber
    worked on a pipe that was a hummer
    At the end of the day
    with his tools put away
    at Kit Kat club he was the drummer

    As James Bond stirred up his Martini,
    a chick in a teeny bikini
    Said, "I've always heard
    you like shaken, not stirred."
    With a really big cocktail weenie.

    There once was a hobbit named Sam
    who loved a cake made of big fat yam
    Said Gollum, "Pee-yew!
    I'd much rather eat hobbit stew."
    So he passed on the cake and had Sam.

    There once was a hobbit named Sam
    who fancied green eggs and blue ham
    Said Frodo, "That's sick
    But I'll try just a lick
    It still must be better than Spam!

    A cocky young lad from Regina
    Took a trip to the Great Wall of China
    With chopsticks in hand,
    and an expression so bland
    He freed his Regulus satrata

    A cocky young lad from Regina
    Took a trip to the Great Wall of China
    With chopsticks in hand,
    and an expression so bland
    He then had an attack of angina.

    An elph who resided in Guelph
    was in need of some mental help
    his psyche was not...
    from the practical lot
    but he had a good time by himself

    You need a line with nine beats
    Far worse than all things done by Keats
    you'll find if you rhyme
    2-2-1, you'll be prime
    And on your way to great writing feats!

    In a bar on the bad side of town
    sat a man in a red sequined gown
    He winked and he flirted
    Having just been converted
    Still parts his knees while sitting down

    There once was a wizard named Gandalf
    Whose lesser known brother named Randolph
    Turned boys into toads
    That hopped over roads
    And said "I'd rather be playing golf"

    An old lady who lived on the corner
    Said, "If you-alls keeps blowin' your horner,
    I'll pluck up my ears
    and murder my dears
    then we'll have to call in the cor'ner.

    There was an old hag in a burrow
    Who admitted she wasn't so thorough
    At cleaning her house
    'Cause she found a dead mouse
    right next to her Halloween scarecrow.

    There once was a dancer named Bud
    He sank to the floor with a thud
    and groaned, "Man, I can't dance
    any more in these pants,
    they're meant for a stick-in-the-mud!"

    A girl from the south part of France
    Ended up with Bud's underpants.
    She said, "These should be
    burned immediately!
    And now, I need eyeball transplants!"

    When McDonald was down on the farm,
    He installed a new burglar alarm
    The mice chewed the wires
    Which quelled their desires
    'Least that's what he told the gendarme.

    One day my old ma cleaned her room
    And then booked a flight to Khartoum
    because she found money
    She didn't take her honey
    therefore now my old ma's in her tomb.

    A selkie was eating a boy
    when she heard sailor Jim shout, "Ahoy!
    Won't you want beer with that?"
    She said, "But I'm fat!"
    Sailor Jim said, "That's half of the joy!"

    The trouble with handsome Roberto
    Was that as he played the concerto
    the girls mobbed the stage -
    he was all the rage -
    and he had to leave that hall Allegro

    I love eating pork-rinds and tripe,
    anchovies and matza and snipe
    Bananas, taquitos,
    Corn, catfish, and Fritos,
    and small green persimmons (unripe).

    There was a composer named Mozart
    Who came home one night in a pushcart
    When he fell into bed
    was ready to get fed
    He dreamed of nothing but cream tart

    There was a composer named Mozart
    Who came home one night in a pushcart
    He started writing a score
    his fingers became so sore
    His knuckles crackled like an old fart

    The trouble with handsome Roberto
    was always his crazy libido
    Yes, he loved the girls
    As a hunter loves squirrels
    He rounded them up, said, "Perfecto!"

    The trouble with handsome Roberto
    was always his crazy libido
    Yes, he loved the girls
    He always gave them pearls
    he made them wear only stilettos

    When Mickey Mouse yelled "Halleluia!"
    Minnie gave the Marine bellow, "HOO-AH!
    I joined the Marines,
    and you know what that means -
    Ended up in Hawaii dancin' hula. :snoopy

    When Mickey Mouse yelled "Halleluia!"
    Minnie gave the Marine bellow, "HOO-AH!
    I joined the Marines,
    and you know what that means -
    No, I'm afraid I don't - do ya?"

    When Mickey Mouse yelled "Halleluia!",
    his neighbors replied, "Did we fool ya?
    We were out on the town
    When we saw your red gown,
    And thought you looked great. Cool, huh?"

    The Breakfast Club, a motley teen group,
    Shouted out an unforeseen whoop
    'Cause they found a dead fly
    In a raw pumpkin pie...
    and decided they ought to make soup

    When Bill Gates is counting his money,
    his mother keeps telling him, "Honey,
    if you'd make things that work,
    clients won't go berserk
    and end-users won't look at you funny."

    When Barb lets Bud comes out and dance,
    she doesn't require any pants,
    But he MUST wear his hat -
    there are laws about that -
    They're enforced by Barb's old maiden aunts.

    I dreamed I became a brain surgeon
    My career was beginning to burgeon
    Till a chorus of nurses
    who offered me curses
    squelched my career just emergin'

    Surfboards and sailboats are just neato
    when you ride the waves with Judge Ito
    But if you fall off the board
    Then you will have scored
    a chance to date Danny Devito

    A man and a woman said, "Kiddo,
    Your hula hoop spins 'round your middo.
    If you can refrain (original meter restored; it was correct)
    from dancing in rain, (meter adjusted here)
    You'll be quite the gymnast, though litto."

    A window sash said to a door,
    "This home decor is such a bore!
    I'd rather go naked!
    More paint? I can't take it!"
    And Christopher Lowell makes me snore!

    My guy took me out for some sushi
    The fish, they were crispy, not mooshy
    I drank too much sake
    my date got too cocky
    passed out on the couch, it's not cushy

    The rioting rabble ran reckless,
    the riot control cops were feckless,
    they took their battons
    and with some croutons
    Made a dazzling, edible necklace.

    There once was a best selling author
    Who lived with her muhther and fawther
    She wished for a life
    Free from worry and strife
    With the good things her royalties bought her.

    An oyster once said to a clam,
    "I can't open, oh I'm in a jam!"
    The clam said, "You're jamming?
    That's better than spamming
    I heard it one day from a ham."

    This writer's board's gone very curious.
    The humor can be quite injurious!
    Have you seen Background Check?
    The Beware part is beck [ok, but it rhymes...:rollin ]
    and the PA folks still are all furious!

    Jenna's back from her honeymoon trip
    Lovely weather -- it never did drip.
    With spelunking and fishing,
    hot-tubbing and wishing
    that she could give us all the slip!

    Two new moderators - Oh, boy!
    Two gents full of humor - Oh joy!
    The one is quite fishy
    The other is dishy
    So now let's all go and annoy! (Them :ha )

    A writer once went to New York
    Where he found himself a new fork
    Made of papier-mache
    And ten ounces of clay
    So that, eating, he looked like a dork.

    Beware of the double-toothed Smagwid
    in bed with the burly man, Hagwid
    They make quite a pair
    reading Dr. Seuss there
    and eating pork rinds and a Dagwid.

    A rejection slip came in the mail
    I'm putting my house up for sale
    And leaving this town
    but bringing the clown
    then moved to the shore with Sam the whale

    A nun in a barn was crocheting
    when she overheard two horses saying,
    "Meow," and "Bark, bark!"
    So she fled to the park
    Where now she spends every day praying

    A toga's a marvelous garment.
    It covers up many a varmint
    You wrap it around
    and it reaches the ground
    where it tends to collect all the floor lint.

    I sat in the window seat thinking
    And outside a young man passed, winking
    He pulled down his... sleeves
    (That's what Maestro believes)
    Depending on what he's been drinking

    That shirt is quite flowered and scarlet
    His wife bought it here at the market
    Plus a pair of beige shorts
    Much too binding for sports
    So he made shirt and shorts into carpet.

    When the weather is so dark and gloomy,
    I put on a robe that's quite roomy,
    I schlep through the house
    annoying my spouse -
    he'd rather see something costume-y!

    It's finally stopped raining outside
    So I think I shall go for a ride
    I rev up my bike
    in lieu of a hike
    And go zooming and zinging, astride

    A lesson most painfully paid for
    is "Wear only clothes you are made for" -
    Feather boas for men
    or snake-skin for hens
    won't produce the "new look" that you prayed for.

    While I tangoed and waltzed in the dark,
    I dreamed I was meeting Dick Clark
    He danced in the buff
    and I yelled, "Stop! Enough!
    I don't need to see your weird birthmark!"

    Betty W01:
    Have you noticed these limericks decline
    by the time someone adds the last line?
    They may start out cheesy,
    but they turn into sleazy,
    so I thought I'd do one that's all mine.

    While I tangoed and waltzed in the dark,
    I dreamed I was meeting Dick Clark
    He danced in the buff
    With his faithful dog, Ruff
    The three of us had quite a lark.

    When the elephant turned up for lunch,
    and the Eel asked for mango and punch,
    the waitress said, "Please,
    would you get off the frieze?"
    The lion ate her with a loud crunch

    The sad kangaroo is now shedding,
    the fur is all over his bedding,
    and his clothes and his rug,
    and his favorite mug
    (the one with the pix from his wedding).

    A trampoline would be such fun
    Oh, to bounce up and down in the sun!
    Beware, 30-somethings:
    Watch out how your bum swings
    It's not as if you're twenty-one!

    My best friend's new beau looks like Yeti
    with a passionate taste for spaghetti
    There's hair in the pasta
    She'll have to say, "Hasta!"
    then grab her red shoe and run with Betty

    With pudding in place we can wrestle
    First we need gallons of espresso
    And a whole crowd of fans
    sad clowns in a van
    We'll set it all up on a trestle!

    I fear I feel deadlines a-looming
    but outside the flowers are blooming
    The bees and the birds
    keep confounding my words
    And my cat's on my paper, a-grooming.

    I find manuscripts have a way of
    Alienating the people that I love
    Lovers turning up dead
    From the words that they've read
    Though I warned them: "My papers! Just stay off!"

    My computer is no longer working,
    I am neither posting nor lurking
    I rediscover sports
    the well-baked joy of tortes --
    and my spouse? Well, you might see him smirking.

    A writer of books said to me
    "Would you like to come in and see
    my story, four-legged?
    Just leave it or take it!"
    I said, "We don't have to shag, do we?"

    I wrote a short book in Sumatra
    Now they're after me--it's called a fatwa
    It's all about fishing
    For terrorists (missing)
    when singing the blues with Sinatra

    I tripped and I fell on my nanny.
    She said "Mercy me, it's uncanny
    how children are clumsy!"
    Soon she knocked over Mumsie
    I'd like to see her whipped on her fanny

    Orlando Bloom loves our own Spookie
    He gave her a rose and a cookie
    And a signed photograph
    For a buck and a half
    But it did not provide him with nookie.

    "Why," she said, "does it seem to just happen
    That a song sets my toes all a-tappin'?"
    It's Elvis with his pelvis
    Or that Santa with his el-ves
    I simply cannot stop my clappin'!

    My daughter's now playing her cello,
    a tune both expressive and mellow,
    for all the she's squeaking -
    the havoc she's wreaking -
    I must lure her away with some jello!

    Frick and Frack took a trip to the pool
    Sucked their guts in so that they'd look cool
    but all the girls giggled
    at parts that still jiggled
    Now Frick and Frack diet on gruel.

    Two badgers, a deer, and a bat
    Had dinner with Howard the cat
    and then, for dessert,
    Ate a mongoose named Bert
    and an elephant wearing a hat.

    When the leaves start to turn in the fall
    I stand near my garden's stone wall
    and breath in the air
    so winey and rare,
    The trees overhead like a hall.

    A library's a good place to be
    Because they don't charge any fee
    and they don't see to care
    if you nearly live there,
    devouring all that you see.

    The smileys on here are so funny
    I love them when my nose is runny
    Or when I'm just sad
    They make me feel glad
    Like petting a warm, fuzzy bunny

    I've heard it said Mac is pure evil
    and fearless like Evel Knievel
    She brings out her whip
    BUT makes yummy clam dip
    that's made of real maggots and weevils

    A teenager told Mac, "You devil,
    I can't go outside all disheveled."
    From Mac's closet, teen took
    a rather sharp meat hook
    to make sure her hair was all leveled.

    Our Macster's become a big sister
    To a girl with a car load of misters
    If Mac took my advice
    She'd take off in a trice
    before teen turns her into a twister

    Now Maestro is handsome and dashing
    (Delusion comes burning and crashing)
    If it weren't for his mirror
    and Spook (we all fear her)
    Bugs and fangs-my, but they're smashing!

    It's way too much fun to be legal
    flying kites, riding high like a seagull
    up, up in the air
    don't mess up my hair
    Hey! I'm not your doghouse-top beagle!

    The over-wrought writer sat thinking
    with a bottle of bourbon, for drinking
    He pondered his proses
    And scratched his noses
    a three-headed horse flew by winking

    The over-wrought writer sat thinking
    with a bottle of bourbon, for drinking
    He pondered his proses
    And scratched his noses
    As he sat in his bathroom -- well, stinking.

    A ghost in its snow-white pajamas
    Wrote a book and became quite famas
    On a book tour it went
    Where our ghost met a gent
    And the two rode off on matching llamas

    Today I conversed with my cat
    'Bout whether photos should be glossy or matte
    All she'd say was "Meow!"
    But she did show me how
    I could look sleek in photos, not fat.

    Chat rooms can be such a pain
    When the newbies are given free rein
    Arrogant? No,
    self-assured! Not absurd.
    How else are they going to gain?

    Will I write a synopsis so fair
    That no one can call it hot air?
    Five hundred words tops
    Without gestures or props
    and cross out all the verbs on a dare

    It's solid, [as] solid as a rock
    Or a safe with a great big huge lock
    I don't mean my tummy-
    You great big dummy
    I mean my head-it's like a block!!

    I can't keep my flowers from dying
    I can't keep the orphans from crying
    I can't sing a song
    or hold you for long
    Without, in each case, really trying.

    Can you guess what I found in my sandwich?
    A bona fide, certified man witch
    Shrunk to dill-pickle size
    In my mayo he lies
    And complains in intemperate language.

    I'd kill for a big plate of pasta
    There's no entrée course I eat faster
    With lots of meatballs
    Spiced up till it scalds
    Then later, the oil of the caster.

    On a hill overlooking the Rhine
    She and I sipped our vintage red wine.
    Then she said, "Oh, look, honey!
    I'm all out of money."
    So I said, "Wiedersehen, mein fraulein."

    A missy from Mississippi
    Went out and became a crazed hippie
    She donned old bellbottoms
    and love beads--she got 'em
    Left over from old MCMLX.

    I bought a new bandsaw on credit
    But then accidentally beheaded
    My banker, my broker,
    that newsguy Al Roker,
    and all those who write but can't edit.

    If you think you can talk to your goldfish
    You're indulging yourself in an old wish,
    when really, the truth,
    In and outside Duluth,
    is who makes the best pizza, deep dish

    When stars fell from heaven, we feared
    that one would light up CC's beard,
    Then we saw it ignite
    and it threw so much light
    That you wish I'd never been sheared

    I once heard that MacAl was Evil
    Worse than a famished boweevil (boll weevil?)
    More, she shows no remorse
    And she eats like a horse
    And she's ugly as Evel Knievel.

    They say that her real name ain't Reph
    cross her and she will give you grief
    If she lies about her name
    what's the rest of her game?
    Besides writing short fiction, in brief!

    There's RichMar, ascerbic but witty
    But I've heard tell he ain't all that pretty
    With his Web site he tinkers
    And admonishes stinkers
    Who can't tell a tome from a ditty.

    Do you know what fish say of eraser?
    "He's rather a tireless chaser
    Those worms on his hook
    And the tips in his book
    I hope I don't end up a taster."

    When Maestro is cooking a cockroach,
    do you want it grilled, steamed, fried or poached?
    Or perhaps you like slugs –
    On the side, ladybugs –
    It depends on your insecteral approach.

    A fair-minded man from Kentucky
    he thought he was gonna get lucky
    When he just struck out
    his mind filled with doubt
    Alas(s) left him quite rather less plucky

    It's quite rabid on Take It Outside
    Some folks just can't let conflicts slide
    They bait and get baited
    Nothing is left unstated
    Once or twice, I believe, a thread died.

    We play games here at old Office Party
    Although some folks are not all that arty.
    But we like a good laugh
    With a cup of decaf
    So now who bit that doughnut (so hearty)?

    Without mercy the fellow was callous
    When answering phones in the palace
    His manner was coarse
    He sneered like a horse
    And he called his own grandfather Alice.

    When blowing my nose, I must wonder
    Why put a whole tissue asunder?
    Though my schnozz is replete
    when fluids accrete
    To waste paper is surely a blunder.

    The harmonica player's on strike
    I just saw him leave on his bike
    He was mad as a hatter
    You can still hear the clatter
    'Cause the yodler took over the mike!

    My computer has reached its demise
    It imploded in front of my eyes
    A puff of dark smoke
    Mr. Gates, it's no joke!
    My chips have been turned into fries

    A writer of doubtful repute
    Said 'bout grammar, "I don't give a hoot!
    If a comma is missed
    "Don't you dare get pissed.
    I find rules in language quite moot."

    When writers must howl at the moon, they
    Must first mix their dog food with spooned whey
    and dispute every hoax
    (They're so thorough, those folks)
    They don't want to spoil their soiree.

    An incredulous alien from Mars
    Beguiled by eponymous bars
    Chose a Snickers instead
    Which he smeared on his head
    Before flirting with taxis and cars.


    Do ghost stories give you the willies?
    Like the Spook that haunted the Phillies?
    Do they keep you awake
    Or are they just fake?
    Do you prefer Zeus and Achilles?

    I drank of the waters of Evian
    And dated a woman named Vivian.
    The water was icy,
    And Vivian? Pricey!
    But alas, she was married to Damion.

    Beware, lads and lassies, the jackal!
    Watch out for his murderous cackle
    He's up to no good
    looking for fresh food
    He should join Frank with his fishing tackle.

    I'm often considered quite crazy
    without a doubt I'm also lazy,
    A hoodlum, a rascal
    Quite like Eddie Haskell
    It beats being cute as a daisy!

    A girl who grew up in Toronto
    must have her huge wedding cake, pronto
    Not to mention a groom
    And a honeymoon room
    With a maid who can speak Esperanto.

    The blackbird flew into my bedroom
    And lit on my poster of Heidi Klum
    It left me a present
    That wasn't so pleasant
    I wished that it would simply go kaboom!

    A monkey once told an elephant
    'I'm tired of your being a sycophant
    You're a self-serving pachyderm
    With a nose like a giant worm
    And I wish you'd not call me U Thant.

    One day, while fishing for bream
    eraser fell into a stream
    His waders filled up --
    When he walked, they went, "schlupp."
    Sorry, Frank, this was only a dream.

    I can't do square roots when I'm jogging
    Much less work out pi when I'm blogging.
    But a well formed hypotenuse
    Rejuvenates my writers muse
    When the fiction has slowed to a-slogging

    I can't do square roots when I'm jogging
    Much less work out pi when I'm blogging.
    But I truly excel
    and it's working out well
    That I can paint nails when I'm flogging.

    Up, up and away there he goes
    lost in clouds of rambling prose
    like a kite in the sky
    Meter's not for this guy
    Still he comes out smelling of rose...

    I've lost my best little hanky
    which makes me quite a bit cranky
    What to do with my snot?
    The question makes me distraught.
    If ye'd give me a tissue, I'd thankee.

    If it weren't for chocolate, I'd lose it
    I'd pro'bly be tempted to booze it
    No sweetmeat on earth
    That enlarges my girth
    beats chocolate when I choose it

    Taking off on a terrible tangent
    With no reason or rhyme a bad man went
    He tripped over a moose
    Caught his neck in a noose
    And fell flat on his face on the pavement.

    A bottle of beer in the cupboard
    was the downfall of old Mother Hubbard.
    She tripped over her dog
    While she fed a big hog [metric adjustment]
    "No more beer for yours truly," she blubbered.

    One morning at quarter to seven
    I phoned up somebody named Evan
    'It's early!' he cried
    'Has somebody died?'
    I replied, 'No, but here, it's eleven.'

    Though some people surely may think it,
    A girl's best friend isn't a trinket.
    A back rub, a massage
    Bubblebath to assuage
    And champagne. A bottle. Just drink it.

    If writing becomes a bad habit
    Take your pen -- just reach out and grab it!
    Then snap it in half
    With your evilest laugh,
    throw it down and just run like a rabbit!

    The hairiest part of the novel
    is where the main characters grovel
    and beg for their lives
    or divorce their wives
    and then choke their best friends with felafel.

    I had such a horrible nightmare
    I was falling, and naked, with blonde hair
    Growing out of my ears
    And my rent in arrears
    I had not a nickel to spare.

    There once was a girl from the hills,
    Whose mailbox was stuffed full of bills.
    "With my rent in arrears
    and this hair in my ears,
    I find plagiarists to be pills."

    There once was a girl from the hills
    Whose mailbox was stuffed full of bills.
    "I won't pay them," she said,
    then she burned them unread,
    Along with rich relatives' wills.

    I cannot stand mowing the lawn
    I like winter when the grass is all gone
    But then comes the spring time,
    when weeds are at their prime
    And I start each day mowing at dawn.

    There once was a moose with a toothache
    Good dental advice it would not take
    He loved candy and gum
    Lazed around on his bum
    And now he needs teeth that are fake.

    I once knew a man named Hillbilly,
    and you're gonna think this is silly,
    But he wore a red tux
    And went hunting for ducks,
    Then gave them to his brother named Willy.

    There once was a mailman in Vancouver,
    Who was neither a shaker nor mover.
    He never rang twice
    He was not into vice
    And he didn't know J. Edgar Hoover.

    When the phone rings, I always start shakin'
    Don't want them to know, what I've been bakin'
    Oh, who is it now?
    I wrinkle my brow
    And my knees start a knockin' and quakin'!

    The pizza you brought me is late.
    I was hungry and so I just ate.
    I shall burp up a storm
    Like the character "Norm"
    And leave only some crumbs on my plate.

    I'm tired and it's raining again
    I could sure use a wonderful friend
    Someone who won't judge
    When I eat all the fudge
    While bemoaning my growing rear end.

    I'm goofy with sleep deprivation
    Recumbent, without motivation
    Coffee makes me cranky
    I just want my blankie!
    So bug off! I'm for hibernation.

    You'll hate me for saying this but I...
    Watch sappy movies that make me cry:
    "When Harry Killed Sally"
    Down a dark scary alley
    I bawled till I wanted to die!

    I think I once saw a sasquatch,
    One night after drinking some bad scotch
    It was hairy and tall
    Like my ex-boyfriend, Paul
    Unlike Paul, though, he wasn't a klutz.

    A limerick's a bad thing to start
    It's nothing resembling art
    With messed up iambs
    Might as well eat bad clams
    Though, sometimes, you get to use: "fart".

    If Bush should prevail over Kerry
    Jill and Sandra will know they can't marry
    But child molester Bill can
    I think that's so ill, man,
    That's why politics make me so wary.

    CindyBidar: Ahem. Pardon me, just thought you might enjoy this... Limerick Dictionary carry on...:grin

    I truly wish that I could fly,
    Bean my boss in the face with a pie -
    But these dreams are farfetched,
    'Cause as a limerick, this is wretched.
    *Because you, our friend Pthom, made it die.

    O Lord, don't I wish I could fly,
    Bean my boss in the face with a pie -
    But these dreams are farfetched,
    In mere mist are they etched,
    Notwithstanding my pleadings of "Why?"

    The man in the adage said "Howdy!"
    Which seemed to make the whole room rowdy
    The women, they glared
    The men , how they stared
    His garb made him appear quite dowdy.

    I'm quite tired and going to bed
    In pajamas of purple and red
    Perchance I may dream
    about eating ice cream
    While riding down hill on a sled.

    One day I met a talking dog
    While meand'ring about in a bog
    His feet were all wet
    In his mouth was a net
    He'd caught not a fish, but a log!

    Said the dog with the log, "My how strange
    How on earth did I end up with mange?
    My fur is all patchy.
    I'm itchy and scratchy.
    To hell with this home on the range."

    When I think of the things I could do:
    Learn to fly, write a book, run a zoo
    Raise children with love
    Give inertia a shove
    I think I'll marry a kangaroo

    When Harry met Sally, they married
    And their life was exciting and varied
    Every alternate Friday
    They canoodled to "My Way"
    At least until they was buried.

    A writer of fantastic tales
    Lived with the elves in Old Wales
    With his sword, cloak, and leek
    He climbed to the high peak
    To weave tales about mystical snails.

    I saw a flamingo out jogging,
    Pass a kangeroo who was clogging,
    and three bears jazzercising.
    That wasn't surprising --
    And the dancefloor, hyenas were hogging.

    My children are driving me crazy.
    They won't do the dishes -- they're lazy!
    They just watch T.V.
    Nibbling crackers with Brie
    But I won't let their nonchalance faze me

    Some think adolescents are charming
    But teens find their elders alarming
    some need a quick smack
    when it's respect that they lack
    Lest they end up prison farming.

    Beethoven's quite a composer
    Tho' some Canucks think he's a hoser
    His fifth was a hit
    His ninth was a bliss –
    So my prof said in Music Exposure.

    John's brushing and flossing his molars
    while weeping and laughing. Bipolar!
    He's named all his teeth-
    in his will, they're bequeathed!
    To his son, a professional bowler.

    I dressed myself up in a muu-muu
    and dressed my dog in a pink tu-tu
    We flounced to the park
    Half an hour before dark
    and brought a shot gun to shoot cuckoos

    The rain in Dubois still falls in buckets
    And it wet all my chicken McNuckets
    They're soggy and gross,
    Jus' like ol' toas',
    I guess I will go see Sam Druckettes.

    I went to the barn in white sneakers,
    large lab coat, clear goggles, three beakers,
    my old bunsen burner,
    My mom-in-law, durn 'er,
    Called the cops on my lab-full of tweakers.

    The kitty has shredded my armchair
    Made rags of the runner upstairs
    And my very best suit
    Is now fit for a brute
    And the comforter's covered in cat hair

    A hamburger's best with some pickles
    But hamburgers cost lots of nickels
    So if I am to eat
    I'd best chew on a beet
    And get to work writing arTIcles

    I'm truly addicted to Pepsi
    Okay, I happen to like it, see?
    I've tried to just quit,
    and started to eat squid
    Marinated for days in green tea.

    One day when I walked into town
    A green pick-up almost ran me down.
    But I leapt from its path
    avoided a blood bath
    As I yelled at its driver "You clown!"

    A leprechaun smoking a pipe
    Was wondering about what to gripe
    "My clothes are puke green --
    I'd rather wear jeans
    Since me trousers is gettin' quite ripe."

    A lass in O'Reilly's saloon
    Met a guy who was quite the buffoon
    He thought every lass
    liked him to be crass
    So he bent down and showed her the moon

    I often have trouble with rats
    with bells on their feet and clown hats
    They steal my pretzles
    Drive off in Etzels
    And don't wipe their feet on the mats!

    My cat is a fat lazy beast
    She's content with a nap and a feast
    Caviar in a can
    On her birthday – oh, man!
    I wish she would thank me... at least

    I really dislike stupid people,
    I stare at them out through my peep hole.
    There's a man with no pants
    And he's asked me to dance
    And I would, but on top of the steeple?

    If only I were a good painter
    Or a really top-notch entertainer
    Rubbing elbows with stars
    who own fancy cars
    and have my own posh fitness trainer.

    The leaves on the trees have turned colors;
    Soon my street will have hot-chestnut sellers
    The air's crisp and cold,
    And vigorously bold
    Caps and scarves now adorn all the fellas.

    Hey, which is your favorite month?
    December says my best friend Gunth.
    August is too hot
    January is not
    But I like May and April a lot.

    Pthom: :rofl
    maestrowork: Reph, that's funny! But it's a limerick booboo.
    reph:Oops! It is a booboo! Do over:

    Hey, which is your favorite month?
    December says my best friend Gunth.
    August is too hot
    January is not
    So dear Gunth's is the twelfth, mine's the oneth.

    A bit of advice to young writers
    Be careful, as they may be biters
    Just buy a muzzle
    don't look at ? puzzled
    Those critics -- they sure are mean fighters!

    While swimming one day in the pool
    I found a disgusting, long stool
    I jumped out in a flash
    then heard a loud crash!
    Who broke the "No sh!tting" rule?

    John Kerry makes me so wary
    Why hasn't he trumped Bush already?
    The debates are a riot
    and those telling lies ought
    to know that the truth can't stay buried

    Oh Sole Mio, you're so gracious!
    But your appetite is so rapacious
    Save some pesto for me
    While I'm hitting high C
    Like Pavarotti, my tummy is spacious.

    In my mind is a constant cacophony
    and my writings are a bunch of baloney
    Nothing makes sense
    No matter the tense
    And in limericks my meter is phony.

    Sam built a new doghouse of plywood
    He thought, "Now, I wonder if I could
    build him a jacuzzi
    and a nice spot to snooze. He
    is terribly misunderstood."

    Sam built a new doghouse of plywood
    He thought, "Now, I wonder if I could
    build him a jacuzzi
    and a nice spot to snooze, he
    deserves something for being so good.

    I went into town for my lunch
    But avoided Starbucks on a hunch
    With only a twenty
    It should have been plenty-
    But the dogs all drank a bunch!

    There once was a writer named Jenna
    Whose hair was once colored with henna
    Her hair then turned green,
    She's ashamed to be seen
    From her usual tint of magenta.

    A big mouthed, witty old guy
    Was dining with suit and necktie
    When he spilled all his chowder
    He yelled all the louder,
    "Hey waiter, there's a soup in my fly!

    Yeshanu: Rich Mar, you're only supposed to post the first line, not the whole limerick, so your punishment is that you get to be the "victim" -- I mean subject -- of the next limerick.

    There once was a writer named Rich Mar
    Who derided the screenplay for Ishtar
    But his writing was Greek
    to all but the chic
    and his mother-in-law's old stepsister.

    I danced naked in the street
    with my spotted doggie named pete
    He had a bow-tie
    and never asked why,
    between us, we had but six feet.

    My friends all insist I'm neurotic
    It could be I'm simply quixotic
    'Cause I fight for the right
    sometimes just for spite
    To be one nueron shy of psychotic

    As much as I try to be modest
    I find I can't help but be honest
    For my underwear's pink,
    And my clothes tend to shrink...
    I'd shed them and expose a dark forest

    My Mom called and scolded me because
    I had dirty feet in the hause
    How could she have known
    from over the phone?
    I had mud all over my paws!

    There once was a sheik in Kadir
    Who vowed he would not interfere
    When his first and third wives
    stabbed each other with knives
    So he left the room, whispering "Oh, dear."

    Yeshanu said "Next one, Melina?"
    Then Rich slipped a rogue line between a
    three legged Pinocchio
    in Okefenokee. Oh,
    this one's digested Purina. :smack

    Oh, why do there have to be spiders?
    They scare kiddies and paperback wriders
    Eight frigging hairy legs
    from beneath my ham and eggs
    they crawl into my apple cider

    A Dark and a stormy night it was
    The ghouls were out in force because
    the pubs were all shut
    So they thought they'd all strut
    but were busted with probable cause.

    My tousers were caught in the gears
    manifestation of all of my fears
    I pulled and I tugged
    was from behind mugged
    by a toddler armed with sharp shears!

    Adults playing games is just dandy!
    A toast with a snifter of brandy!
    The men play one game
    The women the same
    But the child's forced to say, "No more candy."

    There once was a child from Tibet
    Who took her pet Yeti to th' vet
    "He's losing his hair.
    I can see his whole rear." [adjusted for meter]
    Then the vet said "Me too, when he's wet."

    Where I live, Halloween is a-coming
    A glum prospect I find mind-numbing
    Children on sugar high
    No house they'll walk by
    Without wise-crackin' "Hey guys, we're slumming!"

    My late aunt's dog was a Great Dane
    which chewed on my shoes. Such a pain!
    But when he chewed on her head
    'til her grey hair turned red
    I ate my aunt's dog in chow mein.

    Happy Halloween, ChunkyC."
    RichMar said, "I'm delighted to see
    the end of that verse,
    though it could've been worse."
    Any worse and we'd all have to flee!

    A pigeon just plopped on my car
    The most classic Impala by far
    I examined the poo
    Till a cop said "Hey, you!
    Get a move on. Vamos! Au revoir!"

    A comely lass of good breeding stock
    Was aiming to wear a big rock
    But to her dismay
    her beau was gay...
    so now she must find a new jock.

    An alien showed up in my yard
    Roasting marshmallows covered in lard
    "Your flora and Fauna,"
    He said, "Are like manna,
    Especially your Saint Bernard."

    I once built a house out of yew
    On a whim I then painted it blue
    It looked really festive
    And of sky suggestive
    Must be why the birds try to fly through

    There's a crowd gathered down on the street
    A homecoming hero to greet
    He's a true-blood elite
    Completely effete
    For even his jock has a pleat.

    A sassy young lady from Cork
    Did a trick with a knife, spoon and fork
    Which astonished her priest
    Who said, "Please, at least
    show off to the crowd your new feat."

    reph: (Last line should end with an -ork sound)

    A sassy young lady from Cork
    Did a trick with a knife, spoon and fork
    Which astonished her priest
    Who said, "Please, at least
    Don't call it 'A Lush Cut of Pork.'"

    The holy grail was found by King Arthur
    The other by his brother (two, aren't there?)
    I don't know, maybe so
    For my mind's a bit slow
    In any case, it was a hell of a barter.

    The simpleton wag of Kilkenny
    Bent over to pick up a penny
    His back, it did crick
    But his mind 'twas so thick
    That he asked "Is this one, two, or many?"

    You should never go poking around
    in Newfoundland's Hamilton Sound
    but if you feel brave

    [Here, on November 17, 2004, this thread was accidently closed prompting the beginning of the current, much longer one.]

    There once was a group that was mopin’
    They had not their own thread they opined
    They got one before long
    Then twas suddenly gone
    But thanks to RT it’s re-opened
    Last edited by Pthom; 02-09-2013 at 02:59 AM.
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  3. #3
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    Thumbs up The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Part 1 (Limericks 1-500)

    Herewith a compilation of all valid (and some not so valid) limericks posted since the initial one was inadvertantly locked (hence the title).

    Limerick thread locked in mid-limerick!
    The lim'rickers said, "That's a grim trick!"
    Our fave thread we'll eschew
    'til a fix does come through
    But 'till then, we're a bit up the crick!

    My smileys have all gone away
    I was hoping at least one would stay
    So now I can't sleep
    despite counting sheep
    'cause my nightlight kept monsters at bay.

    You should never go poking around
    in Newfoundland's Hamilton Sound
    but if you feel brave
    and don't mind a close shave
    Go swimming -- but don't end up drowned!

    I feel a bit under the weather
    My body and me ain't together
    detachment asside,
    a quick look inside
    will reveal that my tongue looks like leather

    I've got "writer's block" clouding my vision
    an ailment some treat with derision
    I'll never get paid
    Tho' my agent has said,
    All I need is a little revision.

    We're back in the gold once again
    And I've dreamt that it ever will rain
    But a deluge of pearls
    And the "best friends" of girls
    And bad limericks won't get stuck in the drain.

    Saint Nick has a message for you-who
    Being naughty is something you will rue
    So come Christmas morn',
    If you've downloaded porn,
    Don't hide the lube in the flue.

    The Christmas tree's set up and ready
    "Now I just need some presents!" cried Freddy
    some stockings and garland
    That new book by George Carlin
    A blonde with great boobs in a teddy

    Sing "Silent Night" with Santa, so funny
    His date is a tall Playboy bunny,
    The elves laugh and point
    while smoking a joint
    Mrs. Claus says, "Get lost with your honey!"

    Be careful while stringing your lights
    untangling the strands really bites
    If you trip on a cord
    And land on your Accord
    It could be your final "Good Night".

    I'm bummed 'coz I don't have a chimney
    Santa can't bring my Frodo or Gimli,
    Couriers are out
    Husband's a lout,
    So my LOTR presents are history!

    I haven't been too good this year
    Santa may forget me, I fear
    I was nice when "naughty",
    I dressed kinda tawdry
    And I shot one of Santa's reindeer.

    I think Santa is one sexy guy,
    But I couldn't unzipper his fly
    His bells are jingling,
    he's got me all tingling
    But somebody told me he's bi.

    My Christmas tree fell on the floor
    and snow has blown in the front door
    then a reindeer came in
    with a turkey flamin'
    I have lost my mind-- that's for sure.

    I hate all the holidays crowds!
    and the Christmas songs blaring so loud
    I could say Bah-Humbug,
    flee the country with Doug,
    to where there's no snow to be plowed

    This Christmas I asked for viagra
    'Cause I haven't been able to go far,
    my sex life's a dud,
    my dog's my best bud,
    And my wife's with her beau at Niagara.

    My wife has been hinting for bling, bling,
    But I'm doing twenty in Sing-Sing,
    So if rare rocks she craves
    Zero is what I've saved--
    Guess on Christmas her eyes won't be twinkling.

    Poor old Santa is sick with the flu,
    and it's possible Rudolph is too,
    The elves are all sneezing
    the weather is freezing,
    so there's no Christmas this year for YOU!

    I asked Santa for something x-rated,
    he frowned, then expostulated
    "There's this list here, you see....
    Mrs. Claus would kill me,
    if I took it before she was sated."

    My credit card tried to escape,
    so I stuck it to my wallet with tape.
    When it jammed the machine,
    I let out a scream
    'coz I now own a Faberge Grape.

    I got what I wanted this year--
    cigars and a six pack of beer,
    a little viagra
    And that's not the whole saga,
    some Prozac to fill me with cheer!

    I hate it when tax time is due,
    The dollars I make are so few,
    I'm no good with numbers,
    Invest? I'm a bumbler,
    and my dog ate my paperwork, too.

    I find January depressing
    All my misdated checks leave me stressing
    My money's all gone,
    there's snow on my lawn
    Being committed, just might be a blessing.

    I really need a vacation,
    I'll settle for standing ovations,
    for that which I write
    be it wordy or trite
    I'll make it a real vocation

    A new year means a new beginning
    A chance to start a new inning
    Dodging curve ball rejections
    each one with a lesson
    So that editors' hearts I'll be winning!

    I hate it when payments are late
    some come weeks after their due date
    with money so scarce,
    it's a pain in the ass
    I really am one to not wait.

    I hate when my desk gets so cluttered
    My OCD starts to scream bloody murder
    What's under this pile?
    Hope it's nothing too vile...
    Is that a dead mouse smeared with butter?

    When I ask for snow, don't give me rain,
    Or man, you will hear me complain!
    Give me sunshine instead
    so I'll get out of bed
    And perhaps I won't ask you again!

    I once knew a man who could fiddle
    except when he'd stop for a piddle
    and then he was sunk
    because he was drunk
    So he'd look for a woman to diddle.

    Last night I went out on the town
    Dinner and movie with a clown
    Though he had lots of money
    his face was so ugly
    but his Beemer was a nice shade of brown

    I have this big zit on my nose
    Each time that I sqeeze it, it grows
    Now I look like the clown
    who took me out on the town
    And my nickname is Rosacea Rose.

    This year I'll be fifty years old
    Me too, Rosacea Rose!
    Since we're over the hill
    do we still need the pill?
    Nope, I've given up birth control!

    I'm glued to this place day and night
    and my butt seems to think it's all right
    If I had more ambition
    I'd make it my mission
    To do more than sit here and write.

    So many people annoy me
    I avoid them all so I can't see
    I eat in the loo,
    I write in there, too,
    convenient as hell when i must pee

    But lately this weird situation
    has left me in need of a vacation
    at least from the loo
    I won't write while I poo!
    If I'm sipping warm beer in Croatia. (well, it rhymed!8o )

    I thumbed through some travel brochures
    Searching for winter 'blah' cures
    A warm, sandy beach
    Was just within reach
    But my money had all said Bon Jour!

    Still, the beaches were calling to me
    So my backyard became Hawaii
    I spread out some sand
    and shaped it by hand
    And put on a nice bikini.

    My house is surrounded by snow
    So I pretend it's a huge ice cream cone,
    When the icicles drip
    and land on my lip
    a whip of my tongue and their gone.

    As I lounge in my homemade Hawaii
    and dream of my favorite smiley (Byron, rest easy)
    I shiver and shake
    My belly, she quakes
    When a gust of wind blows some snow on me.

    I'm re-thinking this backyard creation
    made of fresh snow and dead carnation,
    My bikini is frozen
    And while I was dozin'
    My derriere lost all sensation!

    When faced with the horns of dilemma
    Reflecting on spermatogemma
    I get out a book
    and find me a nook
    To peacefully read Austen's Emma.

    This year in the month of Febr'ary
    I'm relieved it's no longer Jan'ary,
    'Cause Valentine's Day
    is headed our way
    and my lover might read his obituary.

    have another lover scoped out,
    Does he love me? Well I have some doubt,
    He always comes late
    When we have a date,
    So I'm dumping this uncaring lout.

    I'm sending a note to Tom Cruise
    sprinkling perfume on the paper I use,
    When he sees that it's me
    I hope he won't flee
    Or else I'll be singing the blues!

    Give me chocolate for Valentine's Day!!
    Or I fear I may just pass away-
    In a red, heart-shaped box
    With an itch from the pox--
    Keeps PMS and bad moods at bay.

    There's romance in the air on this night,
    Anything you've got planned is all right,
    So turn off the TV
    And then say lovingly
    "Do you think this Teddy's too tight?"

    I must say, I love our new home,
    And I promise I never will roam.
    Here the trolls are most lucid!
    As a recent review said,
    But still only HB need foam...

    It was just a shot in the dark
    But the cops found a body named Mark,
    Though he hadn't a scratch
    He was wearing a patch,
    and sprawled on a bench in the park.

    I'm sick of the cold and the snow,
    To a sauna I'm itching to go
    Where the air is much hotter
    along with the water, (Massachusetts accent here)
    And so are the men there I know.

    In a few weeks it's gonna be Spring!
    We'll see flowers and hear birdies sing.
    We'll hunt and shoot moose
    and burn down the spruce
    And have one more meaningless fling!

    I'm glad Meaney dug up this thread,
    Cuz there's something that needs to be said.
    Something witty, urbane,
    Maybe even profane.
    Not by me, though: I'm going to bed.

    I dropped in to check out Office Party,
    and found revelers partying hearty,
    They were doing weird stuff,
    with marshmallow fluff,
    'Cause they all think they're craftsy and arty.

    Then I traveled to Take It Outside,
    What I saw made my mouth open wide,
    Talk of Ray's genitalia
    (He's a genuine male, yeah)
    Till I realized that reph screwed the rhyme.

    reph: So what do you think rhymes with "genitalia"?

    Then I traveled to Take It Outside,
    where the blarney is spread far and wide,
    I met braggarts and saints,
    who brook no complaints
    And sure had nothing to hide.

    I find that I like it there
    For it's better than being nowhere
    It's so, well, interactive
    So free and relaxing
    With humor and laughter to spare.

    I feel like I need a vacation
    With a rum, in the sun I'll be bakin'
    I'll email my boss
    Tell the jerk to get lost,
    I don't wanna' hear no belly achin'!

    I had just a small attitude
    But it grew and it grew and it grew
    'Til I finally blew up
    Shot up my truck
    Guess I became a little unglued.

    A bottle of whiskey each day I would drink
    Till my lover poured it all down the sink
    Met a new friend named "Bill"
    In bed quite the thrill
    A pity he's also my shrink

    She diets but gets carried away
    Very much, it is to my dismay
    Her rice-cake supply
    makes me want to cry
    at least it's not curds and whey

    The carpenter forgot his hammer
    When asked for details he would stammer
    "It's n-n-not here,
    an' I n-ee-d a beer!"
    In Waterford crystal, for glamour...

    I wish I could play the trombone
    While eating a cherry snow cone
    Down my arm it could drip
    as i wipe off my lip
    and fuse jazz with i-taly-oan

    There once was a lady whose dog
    Sort of ressembled a frog
    Its distended throat
    And slimy green coat
    ...Just a minute! I want more egg nog!

    They say that the more beans you eat
    Your farts become so hard to beat,
    So I ate a whole can
    And a large bowl of bran
    Later on I won't smell very sweet!

    I'm a writer but can't always write
    My ideas never seem to take flight
    In haste my fingers stroke the keys
    And I cry out, "Oh, please,
    Don't let me be writing ALL NIGHT!"

    I've been sneezing my head off all day
    And I wish that I could find a way
    to continue my typing --
    But instead, I'm just griping
    which, unlike crime, doesn't pay.

    The world is not all black and white
    Not every critique is a slight
    It may irritate you,
    Make you cry, "Oh, boo-hoo!"
    And pound the keyboard with all of your might.

    Yeshanu, May 20, 2005 (page 12):
    I'm back on the limerick thread.
    Bet most of you though I was dead!
    But I'm here so it's time
    To concoct a new rhyme,
    After which, I'll go off and get fed.

    I'm disturbed by the tone of my work
    My proofreader scoffs, "You're a jerk!"
    "It's the whiskey," I mutter.
    "And my head's full of clutter.
    But at least I am published," I smirk.

    Some coffee would be great right now
    Along with some really good chow.
    So I get in the car
    But I won't get too far
    I just got in an accident-- POW!

    Me knee has been bothering me
    It flexes spontaneously
    Can't stop the twitching
    And then there's this itching,
    I look like a freakin' mon-key.

    I'm so far behind on my work
    My boss thinks I'm kind of a jerk
    So I'm keeping track
    I wish he'd get off my back
    While on these boards I constantly lurk.

    I am craving a little beef jerky
    Got hooked on it in Albuquerque
    Bus ride was too long
    Until I broke into song
    This lack of meter is making me berserky!

    The mad scientist Nikola Tesla
    Had a brawl with an ill-tempered wrestler
    Nikola lunged with her beaker
    Missed her mark and killed her sneaker
    And then took a midday siesta.

    An editor's driving me crazy
    But I'm feeling incredibly lazy
    So I'll unplug my phone
    and watch Twilight Zone
    and wait till the whole world grows hazy.

    I soaked two clean washcloths in gin,
    And now let the fun times begin!
    I set one cloth on fire
    and yelled to the choir,
    "And now for our sermon on sin!"

    I packed up my suitcase last night
    With a ball and a board and a kite
    And then I recalled
    my pet turtle, who'd crawled
    To some hiding place quite out of sight

    The magician pulled out of his hat
    A rabbit, a bass, and a bat
    But to his surprise
    and gut-wrenching cries,
    They pulled out a bit more than that.

    Stop doing that, please; I might faint
    I can't stand the smell of that paint
    It was supposed to be blue,
    But, because of you,
    Folks think I'm a colour I ain't

    My dog ate my homework, Ms Brown
    He wolfed all twelve pages right down
    I'd write it all out again
    But the cat has my pen
    And the vet -- well, she's going to town.

    once met a film buff from Leeds
    Who told me of such naughty deeds
    that I stopped the projector
    and moved to eject her --
    but didn't. A fellow has needs.

    I promise you, no more last lines
    Said poet Solatium Heinz
    I'll just leave that to you-all
    and proclaim the renewal
    of hive thinking in humankind.

    Fast Eddie's statistical text says
    It's uncouth to make love in a fez
    Fastidious abstinence
    from sex prevents accidents
    As does gobbling the Pill like it's Pez.

    Everything I thought I once knew
    Evaporated like morning dew
    And I saw with fresh eyes
    That, to be truly wise,
    The 'knowledge' of God I'd pursue.

    A thought wandered into my mind
    "Why is knowledge of God so enshrined?"
    We don't know it all
    There's no hotline to call
    and the game's rules remain undefined.

    But to you this conundrum I put:
    Is danger ahead or afoot?
    Without common sense...
    Within? violence!
    Withal, nevertheless, understood.

    There once was a girl from Nantucket
    Who got a new poster. She stuck it
    on the bow of her dinghy
    Whose red paint looked quite zingy
    But it leaked; she'll not sail in that bucket!

    This rhyme wasn't written in French
    But it was written on a green bench
    Neither yellow nor blue
    Such a pastoral hue
    For a seat that spring showers would drench.

    An ear-splitting scream pierced the air
    in the church at the edge of Nowhere.
    "Not a lim'rick again!"
    Bawled young Darien,
    "This isn't the Folies Bergères!"

    While singing Addicted to Love
    a lightning bolt shot from above
    it struck Robert Palmer
    with the force of a bomber
    To the strains of The Smiths' Hand in Glove

    My blind date went sadly awry,
    I expected a girl, got a guy.
    And not only that, but
    He works as a flatfoot
    Because his is a non-public eye.

    I left on a two-week vacation
    to a faraway, warm destination
    Where no one could phone me
    and tell me bologna
    And give me a day's aggravation.

    The ostrich said this to the kiwi:
    "I'm glad I got u to help see me!"
    When the kiwi replied,
    "Well they eat me worldwide!"
    An eavesdropping buzzard squawked, "Dreamy!"

    There's no substitute for bananas
    But their leaves aren't that good for bandanas.
    For that you need cotton
    Though it may be hard-gotten
    Whether homespun, bought retail, or Grandma's.

    My first draft is here for critiquing,
    I pray it does not end up reeking;
    Though I need your advice,
    It doesn't have to be nice,
    If it's bad I'll refrain from peeking.

    There was an old saxophone lady
    Who insisted her name wasn't Sadie
    She called herself Nora
    With surname Tedora
    And hoped that she kindly won't bore ya'!

    I can't get the hang of this system,
    If there were instructions, I missed 'em,
    Were they flushed down the bog?
    Well "No!.", 'cause they're 'logged!
    So this poster will now try to list 'em!

    1. Enter one line only.
    2. Each line should fit the pattern for a limerick (Lines 1,2, and 5 rhyme, and lines 3 and 4 rhyme; see above postings for meter)
    3. Poster of line 5 also posts line 1 of next limerick.

    And now we will all write a lim'rick
    Let athletes show off with a gym trick
    A writer's best muscle
    Lies next to her bustle
    And can't be done in with a pin prick.

    A kindly young man from Easthampton
    Liked listening to Peter Frampton
    But he found out one day
    No guitar could he play
    So he sang about caves he'd camped in

    An adulterous, lecherous dude
    Gave Sally a sideways glance lewd
    Now, Sally was willing
    For less than a shilling
    So he gave her tuppence, and they scr...

    As a beautiful young maiden approached him
    He recalled how his father had coached him
    "Prepare yourself, Junior,
    She'll be looking to prune your
    Azaleas, though no plant's encroached 'em."

    He slipped on the soap in the shower
    and didn't wake up for an hour;
    The knot on his head
    Said "Hi, my name's Fred!"
    And "Flintstone!" was all he could holler.

    There was a spaceship from Uranus
    Whose captain became rather famous
    Though known for his wisdom
    He kept goats, and he kissed 'em
    Which all but his wife thought quite heinous.

    A nanny was scolding young Billy
    For staying too long out in Philly
    Without his inhaler
    In a doublewide trailer
    And dancing to Milli Vanilli

    The underground poetry slam
    Will be followed by free cheese and ham
    For those who consider
    Prosciutto too bitter,
    We'll grudgingly serve up some Spam.

    O Lord, I'm an underpaid writer
    and forced to sell cheap cider
    My one saving grace
    is a beautiful face
    and this trick I can do with a lighter.

    O Lord, I'm an underpaid writer
    and forced to sell cheap cider
    My one saving grace
    is a beautiful face
    and the guts of a boxing-ring fighter.

    The secret to making it big
    Is not giving riches a fig,
    a raisin, a date, or
    A french-fried potater
    Just Zag when convention says Zig

    My laptop made ominous sounds
    It began to expel coffee grounds
    So I hit Control-C
    And the thing said to me:
    "Get off - You weigh 200 pounds!"

    The worst thing about X-ray vision
    is reading the Sunday edition
    Especially regarding
    the dearly departing
    Through a page that tells where to go fishin'.

    If you find a live mouse in your shoe
    While before a judicial review
    For God's sake, don't kill it
    Just scatter some millet
    And plead "Framed by a rat!" (What a coup.)

    "Daddy, where's Mommy?" asked Bobby
    Said Dad, "Why, she's out in the lobby."
    She wasn't, in fact; she
    was in the loo to pee.
    Stealing Charmin was her favorite hobby.

    "Daddy, where's Mommy?" asked Bobby.
    Said Dad, "Why, she's out in the lobby.
    The room-service clerk
    Was a bit of a jerk,
    And berating young men is her hobby."

    I'm feeling quite comfortably numb,
    Just sitting here, sucking my thumb;
    The Prozac's kicked in,
    With a tumbler of gin,
    I don't care if the world thinks I'm dumb.

    I'm writing an x-rated novel
    The hero of which likes to grovel
    When down on her knees
    Crying "Sir, if you please,
    Spank me with the flat side of the shovel!"

    The Latvian Princess from Riga
    Did not wish to be thought very eager,
    So she rolled in the mud,
    Called her tutor a dud,
    and said, "Teacher, your staff is much bee-gah!"

    A nun was repulsed by Greg Brady,
    Who asked, "Are you penguin, or lady?"
    "I am neither," she sneered,
    which was just as he feared.
    She was somebody crazy or shady.

    I'm really quite sick of hot weather
    So everyone yell out together
    We would like some ice cream
    And a cold winter dream
    We want long johns, our parkas and leather!

    There's a photograph in front of me
    that's as scary and strange as can be
    It was taken one day
    in a land far away
    When I was naked and smiling with glee

    Be still, my poor aching heart
    Though I can't finish poems that I start
    The ones I complete
    are as hot as the heat
    On my five-alarm chili Pop Tart

    My countrymen, lend me your ears
    I need some stalwart volunteers
    to kill off some bugs
    I shall call them my "thugs"
    and dangle them from chandeliers.

    The limerick form is pedantic
    Ambiguous in its semantic
    But if I drink my ale
    and stay out of gaol
    My girlfriend will think I'm romantic:

    "Your eyes are like limpid blue pools"
    What a line by some poetic fools!
    Such drovel insipid
    Is making me livid
    enough to torch their vestibules.

    The preacher went suddenly quiet
    He was told he must go on a diet
    The pulpit was straining
    Holy water was draining
    And the congregants threatened to riot.

    My love is a fair maiden true
    Although, just between me and you,
    I've seen maidens fairer
    And love that is rarer
    But hey, for the moment, she'll do!

    The milkmen of Iceland all say,
    "Drink plenty of moo-juice each day"
    Such advice they don't follow
    'cause they can't seem to swallow
    so their bodies are withering away.

    It's time for a dip in the pool
    So hot out, I'm starting to drool,
    I could sure use a drink
    Something chilly and pink
    Like they teach you in bartenders' school.

    My mother-in-law really bugs me
    Her home is so chintzy and drugs-free
    So when I must see her,
    I get drunk on be-er
    And vomit the moment she hugs me.

    I must have deleted this line
    I tell myself "it will be fine!"
    But then, in the morning
    With consciousness dawning
    I find that the line was my spine.

    Of the topics that ought to be banned
    Several will always withstand
    the bluest of noses
    like black dying roses
    that grow just as well in the sand.

    The infinite nature of space
    Is too much for my mind to embrace
    I've enough trouble keeping
    My cell phone from beeping--
    Any deeper my brain cells can't face!

    A pea and a pie on a pew
    Put paid to a pious revue
    (Though that may sound tricky,
    and possibly sticky)
    But priests in high heels is not new.

    When Socrates asked, "Is it better..."
    Wearing his bright purple sweater,
    "to practice denial
    of this poison vial?"
    His students wrote down every letter.

    A large bowl of oysters and clams
    Was spilled down the actress's gams;
    She jumped up and down
    And tore at her gown
    While shrieking "Please turn off those cams!"

    If I had a dollar to spare
    I'd buy us some popcorn to share,
    but the usher collected
    much more than expected
    So, instead, I'll just buy me a beer!

    Gas prices are going to kill me
    I wanted to buy something filmy,
    something see-through, that is
    with dazzle and sizz
    But my car won't stop whimpering, "Fill me!"

    The wedding guests watched in great horror
    As the groom loudly said, "I deplore her!"
    "The dowry appeals,
    but really it feels
    like I'm an Antarctic explorer!"

    spaceship dropped out of the heavens
    Right onto the home of the Blevins
    And the rocket's red glare
    Lit up everything there
    With a flash that was brighter than levin(s)!

    The zookeeper opened the cage
    (a big risk for minimum wage);
    the lions got out
    and ate a boy scout
    And then danced a jig on the stage

    My printer has started to shake
    Like the time it survived that earthquake
    I'm beginning to fear
    that my printer is queer
    For it speaks – and complains of an ache.

    Don't try to play chess with a dragon
    Especially one given to braggin
    He'll breathe on your queen
    And set fire to the scene
    Then skip town in his purple Volkswagon

    I just drank my fourth cup of coffee;
    It tasted like stale, dried up toffee.
    Why that was, I don't know
    'cause my brain is too slow
    And my hair's gone all Dave Hasselhoff-y

    I just drank my fourth cup of coffee;
    It tasted like stale, dried up toffee.
    Why that was, I don't know
    'cause my brain is too slow
    Now I think I'll go take some time off. Hee!

    "I made my own dress out of burlap,"
    said Ann as she drank from the watertap;
    Her boyfriend said, "Yuck!
    It feels like we're stuck
    in some kinda fashion craze mishap!"

    A scientist working in Kenya
    Named Mortimer Alvin McVennia
    Was filming a rhino
    and thought, "What do I know?
    I can't tell it from a gardenia!"

    "What do men know? I love it!" cried Ann,
    as she dealt the next hand of Fan Tan,
    "It's good for my skin!
    And it sure makes me grin!
    And gives me a great tartan tan!"

    The witness confessed, "It was me
    Who saw the fat criminal flee!"
    His pockets were bulging
    so I am divulging
    "It hasn't been meaningless to Thee?!".

    I had wanted to keep my mouth shut,
    After the bullly kicked me in the butt,
    But I've got a big mouth
    And I came from the south
    So I said what I thought -- to his gut.

    Last week I played Scrabble with Death
    I offered a mint for his breath
    His subsequent howl
    Made me drop my next vowel
    Then he challenged my use of "Macbeth"!

    The traveling sideshow has gone
    but a weird man remains on my lawn
    He's swallowing fire
    While neighbors admire,
    but all I can muster is, "Yawn"

    The traveling sideshow has gone
    and with it, my girlfriend Yvonne
    What she'll earn every night
    In the all-girl mud fight
    with Tony Orlando and Dawn...

    . . . Would feed Liechtenstein for a week
    If she hadn't a soft-hearted streak
    So it's cat food she'll buy
    And some bargain potpie
    and donate all the rest to the Geek.

    Here's one for George W. Bush
    Whose brain has softened to mush
    All our foreign friends say
    They're thankful the way
    He's kept all the Yanks off the Dole*

    poetinahat: *: "on the dole" = on welfare; and yes, I know it doesn't rhyme. Can I call it an assonance? Or does the Dole reference just not work?

    reph: *It doesn't work for me: besides the rhyme issue, many Yanks are on the dole. Maybe "He captured Saddam's ugly tush."

    I robbed Peter just to pay Paul
    And then to the shock of us all
    Peter called the police
    And I took off for Greece,
    I'm still there and having a ball!

    They were digging up my street today,
    which disrupted my roll in the hay.
    Then my breakfast was cold,
    And the car that I'd sold
    Was trapped in the front driveway.

    My laptop is scorching my legs
    I'm downloading raunchy JPEGs
    But the heat generated
    with pics quite x-rated
    Might mean I can never get pregs

    Would that be a tragedy? No;
    Two teenagers already in tow
    The thought of another
    Li'l sister or brother
    My breakfast I'm ready to throw

    The lion's gap tooth made this whistle
    As he tore at the meat and the gristle
    If he could, he would blush
    but his mane is so plush
    You could never part it with a missile.

    Who painted my kitchen with slogans?
    An African tribe armed with blow-guns?
    It looks like Swahili
    Embellished quite freely
    with tributes to Japanese shoguns.

    I leapt from the top of the tower
    When my leading ace lost to Right Bower
    But then, halfway down,
    I dropped a half crown
    And beat my best time by an hour

    When two turtles go on a date
    Admiration can soon turn to hate
    for turtles are fickle
    with feelings that prickle
    and they really do hate to be late.

    The 50-foot woman is pissed
    And she's holding Jude Law in her fist
    That's right, it's a remake
    No scene was a retake
    But poor Jude was swallowed when kissed!

    I noticed a spot on my shirt.
    Is there such a thing as blue dirt?
    Or did my pen leak--
    (it looks like batik
    or an octopus squirt) thought Curt.

    Her husband brought home some red roses
    for his wife before she decomposes
    She's down in the cellar
    Along with that feller
    who's read every book of Spinoza's

    I've got just a shadow of doubt
    What any of this is about
    But it won't take much longer
    nor be any wronger
    to wonder day in and day out.

    Clint Eastwood has moved in next door
    Along with a traveling press corps
    My husband decided
    he won't call, but I did
    to see Dirty Harry's decor.

    A billboard was put on my roof
    The neighbors then found me aloof
    "Eat At Joe's", it is blinking
    "Cards, Women and Drinking,
    And Booths that are Bulletproof."

    I stepped in a bucket of paint
    Graceful is something I ain't
    but the can says 'Two coats'
    should cover my goats
    Would that make me sinner, or saint?

    The Magical Mystery Tour:
    I remember that album, for sure!
    I swear I was sober
    But then in October
    My sworn statement seemed premature.

    Don't ever get stuck in Miami
    They'll offer you cash for your mammy
    But when hurricanes come
    You'll be out on your bum
    like the fuss-of-the-month at the Grammys.

    Don't ever get stuck in Miami.
    They'll offer you cash for your mammy,
    And if you think that's bad,
    You can lease out your dad
    With options on Grandpa and Grammy.

    The gunslinger stood in the street
    He juggled three grapes and a beet
    But his lightning-fast draw
    Had one fatal flaw,
    As his gun was anchored in concrete.

    The idiot lifted his hand
    like Lawrence Welk leading a band
    "If I aren't mistaken
    you're no Kevin Bacon,"
    he told Kevin Bacon. "Understand?"

    "My dog ate my homework," said John.
    Now I'm not sure I belong
    In this really odd group
    Take me back to F-Troop
    Before they notice I'm gone

    I sat on a rock by the shore
    With someone I really adore
    When our (hot) chaperone
    walked off on her own
    And thereby allowed me to score.

    It's time to sign up at a gym
    My belly is over the brim
    Maybe I'll diet
    (It can't hurt to try it)
    From now on, my milk will be skim!

    When Gandhi met Gavin McLeod
    The glare from their scalps drew a crowd
    "Help me, I'm blind!"
    (for their heads really shined)
    No car salesman's jacket's so loud.

    Oh, don't let me buy one more knickknack
    My home's overflowing with bric-a-brac.
    I can't find my kids
    and my husband forbids
    crystalware, so I'm drinking a six-pack

    The road from Calcutta to Delhi
    Which is always quite busy and smelly,
    has a hole in the middle
    Where I found a fiddle
    And a smashed jar of green apple jelly.

    The trip home from Phoenix to Dallas
    sitting next to a woman named Alice,
    who bored me tears
    recounting her fears
    of an ogre who lived in a palace.

    I think I should go on a trip.
    I'm tired of the ol' Gaza Strip.
    I'm packing my bags
    and my Israeli flags
    and jumping the next cargo ship.

    When Hamlet asked, "To be or not?"
    The audience, Cockneys, said "Wot?"
    "We don't get that dude,
    by jing, he'll be booed
    before he falls prey to the plot!"

    The ring on my cellphone got stuck
    It scared off four geese and a duck
    And the cops hauled me off
    with a sneer and a scoff
    To become a Vancouver Canuck

    The ring on my cellphone got stuck
    It scared off four geese and a duck
    And the cops hauled me off
    with a sneer and a scoff
    In a battered old pickup truck.

    King Arthur despised his round table
    He said, "Make it square if you're able,
    Cuz I'm a square dude,
    And with my attitude
    I'll not be in folklore or fable!"

    She went for a spin on the ice
    With a goat and two overgrown mice
    The mice did all right
    but the goats got stage fright
    After watching that champ Michael Weiss.

    My gas tank is running on empty
    And I'm twenty-nine miles south of Tempe
    In an hour I'm due
    to recite some Theroux
    But turning around sure does tempt me.

    Saint Nick has a message for you-who
    Being naughty is something you'll rue
    Unless you're like me
    who gets off scot-free,
    Won't nobody come down your flue!

    My laptop just gave me the bluescreen :-(
    I'd prefer something else: pink or true green
    The motherboard's toast
    No more can I post
    So my face oscillates red/tangerine

    So what is this life all about?
    What can I know without doubt?
    Perhaps I just need
    A good book to read
    and the friendship of someone devout.

    A boy stood with his dog by the sea,
    And they both had their backs turned to me.
    In the noise of the squall
    I heard someone call–
    Indistinct words that floated so free.

    Now, nobody's told me I'm perfect
    And of compliments, I get no surfeit
    But my sins are so trivial
    and my manner convivial
    That to scramble for sainthood ain't worth it.

    Writing verses, you need a big lexicon
    in Bantu, Punjabi or Mexican
    It helps if you know
    Lots of big words and so
    which might baffle the opposite sex again

    I think I'll get on a plane
    And escape Limerick Hell. What a pain!
    I'll fly off to see
    Mother Goose Purgatory*
    Where the rhymes fall as easy as rain.

    Hey! I found a green frog in the bathtub
    And it called to me, croaking, "You poor schlub!"
    I am doubled with glee,
    'Cuz it jumped on my knee
    Then fell in the toilet -- glub glub!

    The leaves are beginning to change
    And that, by itself, ain't so strange
    But they change into people
    This world is in free-fall
    and my mangy dog needs an oil change

    The change is beginning to leave.
    "Holy pickpockets, Batman!" I grieve
    But holy, they ain't;
    the pants are. Complaint...
    My idiot tailor can't weave.

    The beginning is leaving a change
    And I'm humming "Home on the Range"
    But, though tumbleweeds tumble
    and glum grumblers mumble
    I still caught L from Charlie's Ange

    I'm leaving, a change to begin
    I must shake off this craving for gin
    I am brazenly brave
    Swore I'd drink to the grave
    But I've run out of aspirin!

    My manuscript's stuck in the slush,
    All hopes are now turning to mush,
    But my limerick collection
    Won't bring me dejection,
    Cause people who read them just gush!

    I wish I could win lots of dough,
    Just think of the places I'd go!
    First I'd need some new clothes
    for God only knows
    Mine are holey and I cannot sew!

    There once was a girl from Chepachet
    Whose favourite band's Molly Hatchet,
    One night she sneaked out
    To go wand'ring about
    And to visit her buddy, Nurse Ratchett.

    Nurse Ratchett was one nasty nurse
    Just what did she keep in her purse?
    It was long; it was rigid,
    Of course, she was frigid
    Hey! It wasn't the keys to the hearse!

    If we had to go live in Spain
    We'd bear arms and the Cross of Lorraine
    And at noon every day
    We'd take a short break to pray
    And a much longer break to complain.

    The music is playing so loud
    It has moved the unmovable crowd
    The cymbals and drums
    Inspire my thumbs
    To dance until tired or OWW!

    The oak trees are all dressed in gold
    The back-to-school clothing's been sold
    The turkey is worried
    In fact, he has scurried
    But he's now sixteen pieces, all told

    A hitman with low self-esteem
    and a penchant for cookies and cream
    Just couldn't refuse
    a quick hit of booze
    And soaked his dessert in Jim Beam

    My, what an extra large cat
    It's furry, it's tall and it's fat
    It eats on the run
    And depends on no one
    except to take a whiz in your hat.

    An Ibizan's an odd type of hound
    It barks with delayed ultrasound
    Which confuses intruders
    And locks up computers
    And scares bats for ten miles around.

    I wonder what this button does?
    I pressed it twice, just because
    The scary blue screen
    says my drive's a latrine,
    But that's silly -- latrines never buzz!

    But what if they did? What if all
    those sounds from way down the hall
    were just modified flushes,
    and what makes me blush is
    the door's been removed from the stall

    Well, shiver me timbers, me crew
    Consists of thirteen caribou
    But in the crow's nest
    Is one paid by the rest,
    He's got hands, 'cuz those hooves just won't do.

    When the captain yelled "All hands on deck!"
    the unmanned ship became a wreck
    As the wind whipped the sails
    the crew swam with the whales
    thus ending their seafaring trek.

    My eyes have begun to glaze over
    And my face has gone crimson and clover,
    Cuz I did some weird drugs
    and I ate some weird bugs
    Finished off with a hair from old Rover

    My liver is going to bits
    My B.O. is literally the pits
    But my wallet is hearty
    So take that, you smarty --
    'Cause wealth almost always beats wits

    meaney: Metrical change notwithstanding, this one's a gem.

    I ought to be studying German
    To understand my uncle Hermann.
    ... What is "Sieg Heil"?
    Why, I don't see you smile!
    "Nein! I've nothing to do vit dat vermin!"

    I've bought a new pocket protector
    I, colour ballpoint pen collector
    For my shirts got too loud
    Though I feel kinda proud
    of my hat that says "Jedi Inspector"

    Napoleon H. Bonaparte
    let out a rip-roaring fart
    His men did cheer,
    but did Josephine hear?
    No! She'd fallen asleep in the cart.

    When one of us writes down a line
    The rest think, "Wish that had been mine!"
    It blows my mind sometimes
    To gain reason from rhymes
    That's why I like my prose just fine.

    It's almost the last week of September;
    There are three things I must remember:
    But amnesia sets in
    Who am I -- Errol Flynn?
    as I chop firewood, yelling "timber".

    Silent movies are a classic genre,
    You can watch those old stars get it on, yeah,
    with a look and a kiss,
    Instantaneous bliss
    For our lead actors Michael and Sondra.

    A salesman walked into a bar
    Pitching lies about some old used car
    When the bartender said:
    "Are you out of your head?
    All it's engine parts come in a jar"

    The traffic was bumper to bumper
    When I went out to buy a new jumper
    The store clerk was crass
    And tried to harass
    me for choosing one featuring Thumper

    My mother was taken away
    And I really had nothing to say
    Instead, to avenge her,
    I decided to venture
    a pox on the whole NRA

    My accountant is quite the magician:
    Looking out for my fiscal position.
    But dollars and cents
    because I am dense
    Still elude me despite all my wishin'.

    It has lights, bells, and five fancy levers
    Starting it takes damn near forever
    But, I give it a try
    Whoops! I'm up in the sky!
    It's a plane, not a car -- Oh, whatever!

    Old Gilbert and Sullivan's rhymes
    Have been sung to their tunes many times
    But their water ballet
    Was less known in its day
    'Cause they lived in such freezing cold climes!

    A ballet of chimps is just silly
    Their dance moves are all willy-nilly
    They interpret Swan Lake
    like they're killing a snake
    No one's fooled by their tutus so frilly.

    "I think I'll have more bread and butter,"
    Said the golfer while cleaning his putter.
    "The crumbs help my grip,
    So my chip doesn't slip;
    I adjust for the cutlery clutter."

    The new kid was looking suspicious
    He claimed that he came from Mauritius
    He looked a bit odd
    Yelling "I'm a surf god!"
    While collecting sea water in dishes.

    A gorilla, a bear, and a rhino
    Decided to go rob a wino
    of the shoes on his feet
    and his coat! Oh, not neat!
    But they ran when they saw his pet dino.

    A pea in the pie of a pauper
    Puts pizzazz, though not silver or copper
    And the Worcestershire sauce
    Is nobody's loss
    if you believe our co-authored whopper.

    An owl in my tree close to sunset
    was excluded by peers from the 'fun set'
    'cause he couldn't "who who"--
    he could only "cuckoo"
    Now he sits with himself where his buns set.

    An owl in my tree close to sunset

    was excluded by peers from the 'fun set'
    'cause he couldn't "who who"--
    he could only "cuckoo."
    And his nest wasn't in Narragansett

    My dad's name is Nebuchadnezzar
    He conquered the city of Gezer.
    A history buff, I'm not
    But when put on the spot
    He's up there with Julius Caesar

    My dad's name is Nebuchadnezzar
    And he worked all his life as a "fez-zer",
    his nick-name was Hatty
    Came from Cincinnati
    Where he read The Curse of Ka’zar

    My dad's name is Nebuchadnezzar
    And he worked all his life as a "fez-zer",
    his nick-name was Hatty
    Hailing from Cincinnati
    He was known to be quite a cool dresser.

    The nebula glowed infrared
    The astronomer went back to bed
    He dreamed of eclipses,
    Trails like an ellipsis ...
    Orion's belt swam in his head.

    The nebula glowed infrared
    The astronomer went back to bed
    He dreamed of eclipses,
    trails like an ellipsis ...
    and woke next to a horse's head.

    When Edison talked about current
    He spoke in contractions, like "weren't":
    "If it weren't for distance...
    and that awful resistance,
    I'd buy a house... but I prefer rent."

    When Edison talked about current
    He spoke in contractions, like "weren't":
    "If it weren't for distance...
    and that awful resistance,
    this lightbulb would be more transpurrent."

    A flea and a fly in a flophouse
    Waded through writings by Wodehouse
    "These scribbles are plum!"
    "They're not! You're so dumb!"
    "So said Jeeves," said the weevil and wood louse.

    A flea and a fly in a flophouse
    Waded through writings by Wodehouse
    "These scribbles are plum!"
    "They're not! You're so dumb!"
    The fight then got ended by Housemouse.

    A flea and a fly in a flophouse
    Waded through writings by Wodehouse
    The flea preferred Jeeves
    "But Wooster achieves."
    He said, before using the outhose

    A flea and a fly in a flophouse
    Waded through writings by Wodehouse
    The flea preferred Jeeves
    Which gave fly the heaves
    so he flew off to torment a titmouse

    A flea and a fly in a flophouse
    Waded through writings by Wodehouse
    The flea preferred Jeeves
    "But Wooster achieves."
    Thou, Mitchner was preferred by the Mouse.

    A flea and a fly in a flophouse
    Waded through writings by Wodehouse
    The flea preferred Jeeves
    Which gave fly the heaves
    but the landlord greatly preferred Faust.

    The wicked ol' witch of the West
    Served poison to every tenth guest
    But guests she had few
    So the leftover brew
    She drank down at Dorothy's request.

    The wicked ol' witch of the West
    Served poison to every tenth guest
    But guests she had few
    So the leftover brew
    Was kept for the ones she loved best.

    The wicked ol' witch of the West
    Served poison to every tenth guest
    They started to gag
    When served by the hag
    Serving seconds at Scarecrow's behest

    The wicked ol' witch of the West
    Served poison to every tenth guest
    They started to gag
    the witch, she did brag
    as she invited forty-five to her fest.

    Fall winds are blowin' 'round our house
    And Cheesy, our little pet mouse
    Made quite a scene
    Falling in the tureen
    Though Robbie pushed him, like a louse.

    I wish I'd been born with grand wings
    The feeling that smooth soaring brings
    As I'd flit and I'd flutter
    I'd cause folks to shudder
    But I love doing dangerous things.

    I wish I'd been born with grand wings
    The feeling that smooth soaring brings
    As I'd flit and I'd flutter
    I'd cause folks to shudder
    'Cause along with the wings I'd have stings!

    I wish I'd been born with grand wings
    The feeling that smooth soaring brings
    But maybe I'd molt
    'til I feel like a dolt
    Then exit after packing my things.

    A dog on a log in a bog
    Got busy digging dirt in his blog
    But a hog in the fog
    Began dialogue
    With "Welcome, friends! Have an egg nog!"

    Transcriptionists met in Missouri
    where native handwriting is blurry.
    But they all persevered
    With notations so weird
    That the state gave up trial by jury

    If you eat everything on your plate
    And to Sunday school never are late,
    and you always say please,
    you might start to wheeze
    in a holy and satisfied state.

    I made pasta for dinner last night
    And they tell me it came out all right.
    I put cheese in the sauce
    (That pleases The Boss)
    and Greg Brady said, "Gee! Outta sight!"

    For the hundred-and-fiftieth time
    You can not buy our house for a dime
    It is worth more than that
    Just go ask my cat
    Now please let me get back to my rhyme!

    Do you think squirrels dream about peanuts?
    Are they saner, or less so, than we nuts?
    We dream about sex.
    while chasing T-Rex
    and landing the perfect double lutz.

    The mobster got sent to the slammer
    For using abominable grammar
    His verb and his nouns
    were all mixed around
    and each sentence began with a stammer.

    I thought that I'd write you a sonnet.
    I'm stalling; I ought to get on it.
    Just as soon as I find
    a muse who's aligned
    with the poetic bee in my bonnet.

    The leaves on the trees are all yellow
    and we crave hot chocolate with marshmallow
    As we dress all in wool,
    We're feeling quite full,
    from the pumpkin face made out of jello.

    I once found a shiny new penny
    'Twas odd since I hadn't found many
    But to my chagrin
    I lost it again
    'Twas as if I'd never found any.

    My gym teacher in second grade
    Doubled as a housekeeper and maid
    And had one other duty:
    to shake that fine booty
    Only in my kid dreams, I got laid.

    A sprightly old lady from Leeds
    Was gardening, pulling some weeds
    When a weed pulled her leg
    and then started to beg
    for photosynthetic misdeeds

    The lions and tigers and bears
    Sat 'round the TV in their chairs
    They ate lots of chips,
    Gladys Knight and the Pips
    And said, "This beats drafty old lairs."

    But the tigers had their own agenda
    They were swift as a Flying Wallenda
    Up on a trapeze
    While scratching their fleas
    and wound up in a pile up-enda (literary license, OK?)

    The bears began beating a path
    for the last book by Sylvia Plath
    It was rather depressing
    While the bears were obsessing
    about how to stage 'Grapes of Wrath'

    So the lions took up a collection
    to save the bears from rejection
    They hocked the T.V.
    And mercilessly
    gave the tigers the best seating section.

    The tigers that night had a ball
    With the bears and the lions and all.
    They ended their revels
    with T-squares and levels
    And drew up a huge shopping mall.

    When a new pair of shoes doesn't fit
    You can rub it with paste wax and spit
    If you do, don't forget
    the tar de cigarette
    You'll find it won't hurt them a bit.

    When giving a speech to your peers
    take care not to bore the poor dears
    You might make them snooze
    and for that, you would lose
    Any chance of a few volunteers

    A town with two bars and no church
    can be found if you're willing to search
    but don't look in the South
    for a beer-swilling mouth
    'Less you want your butt whupped with a birch

    A Martian, King Tut, and the Pope
    All tried out some soap on a rope.
    Then they shampooed their hair,
    also washing "down there",
    It's sad but they're all out of hope.

    A wily gunfighter named West
    Thought he'd do what he could that was best
    Being quick on the draw
    With a plug in his jaw
    But he can't, since his gun's repossessed

    The lovers, the dreamers and me
    Is a song sung by Kermit, you see
    and ol' Fozzie Bear
    lives life without care
    On the street that they call Sesame

    There was a young fellow named Hyde
    who climbed on his pony to ride
    'til he started to ache
    And yelled "Hey, where's the brake?
    I'm Jekyll, not Bonnie and Clyde!"

    When Caesar strode into the Senate
    He shouted, "I told you, I meant it!"
    He then in his toga
    went back to his yoga
    and turned on some Loreena McKennitt.

    But later, when Brutus came in
    all covered in crap to his chin
    he turned off the music
    and washed off his whoosit
    then danced on the head of a pin

    Can anyone tell me the way
    from tap dance to modern ballet?
    And are these the wrong shoes
    to boogie woogy to the blues?
    If Tommy Tune says so, OK

    I've worked my way up from the bottom
    Rejections, a fistful - I've got 'em
    One day I'll be rich
    'cause the public loves kitsch
    And have I got a kitchen or not one?

    A new day is dawning, my friend
    When to our assignments we wend
    With ten digits flying
    and no-one replying
    We'll have Sweet FA cash to spend

    I picked the wrong wish to come true:
    but sometimes we have to make do
    So now that I'm weightless,
    I'm glad that I ate less
    To better display this tatoo.

    A cranky old mare they called Belle
    developed an interesting smell
    It wasn't patchouli
    nor pasta fazool
    But it told us she didn't feel well

    A French commandant named Laporte
    Was reviewing his troops in the fort
    when yon he heard cannons,
    said, "Ambush! My plan ends!"
    and to his soldiers he shouted "abort!"

    An army consisting of mice
    Lay siege to a pantry of rice
    But their battering ram
    made of strawberry jam
    was ridiculously imprecise.

    The pantry withstood the assault
    (it was locked up tight as a vault)
    The mousies withdrew
    A new plan to brew
    They started with basic Gestalt.

    A virtuous barmaid from Kent
    walked with legs that couldn't be bent.
    When she tried to sit down
    She would shock the whole town
    by giving up knickers for Lent

    The courtship of Browning and Barrett
    Was brimming with poetic merit
    With lines finely metered
    their love never petered
    The romantic shoe fits, so they'll wear it

    The difference between you and me
    Is not always easy to see.
    But we struggle along,
    In Speedos and thong
    Tweedledum versus Tweedledee...

    A lady of uncertain age
    danced topless for years in a cage
    but one day she said,
    "I'd be better off dead
    than jiggling for minimum wage."

    I saw the doc about my hands
    He said they looked like old tin cans
    a little rusted
    not to be trusted
    (like old Volkswagen Combi vans)

    The spaceman stepped out of his craft
    And instantly fell down a shaft
    His airhose got tangled
    His helmet got mangled--
    This spaceman was really quite daft!

    There's a full moon right now in the sky
    She sips her Manhattan and I
    Nurse my rye at the bar,
    Put a tip in the jar
    With my other hand rubbing her thigh.

    Very soon it will be Halloween!
    and the kids will make quite a scene
    They'll squeal and they'll squall
    (they'll make quite a haul)
    till eating those treats turns them green.

    I fell on a cactus while hiking
    It really was not to my liking
    One needle got stuck
    In my knee, just my luck!
    At least I wasn't out biking.

    I bought some strawberry ice cream
    through a fraudulent pyramid scheme
    The cones turned yellow
    from this conniving fellow
    Who's moved on to selling sea-bream

    Oh why won't they cut me some slack?
    Instead they point out what I lack
    I don't fill out a sweater
    And can't write a letter
    don't they know I'm good in the sack!

    All dressed up with nowhere to go,
    complained Curly, Larry and Moe,
    who went out on the town
    wearing 'tween them a crown
    and a gold ring on every toe.

    There once was a man named Clyde
    whose neurons were permanently fried.
    When eating a ham
    With strawberry jam
    realized he was cross-eyed

    The sea is a deep blue abyss,
    Although I'm some times clueless,
    I swim near and far
    to find the pool's bar
    and miss Scylla and Charybdis

    A number divided by two
    Makes it equal for me and for you
    a big piece for us each
    is a good way to teach
    it's easier serving beef stew.

    I had an old playhouse out back
    Where I'd go for a drink and a snack
    But one day, Michael Moore
    Stopped to rant for the poor
    So my snack and I never went back

    My dog loves to play "Fetch the Bear"
    For which our state cops* just don't care
    But such is my pooch
    that Ursidae mooch
    Brings them back both on foul days and fair.

    My uncle's a grumpy old guy
    His house is a smelly old sty.
    When he makes the bed
    The bedbugs see red
    Unfortunately, I don't lie.

    The knock on the door gave me shivers
    Cuz behind it stood wrinkly Joan Rivers,
    Her Botoxed thin skin,
    Plastic boobs, cheek and chin --
    And a memory as long as the Giver's.

    Good heavens! What do we have here?
    Tuna sandwich, an egg and some beer.
    But with some paprika,
    we'll soon cry "Eureka!"
    "We've discovered the cure for swimmers' ear!"

    The grizzly bear chewed on my leg
    'Cause he ran out of beer; had no egg.
    But with salt and some lime
    patience and time
    We'll find him a hen and a keg.

    The library's haunted, I think.
    Well, that's what I said to my shrink.
    Those books over there
    are ready to share,
    and Shakespeare just gave me a wink.

    Last night at a quarter to ten
    I heard a loud crash in the den
    I picked up my beer
    and succumbing to fears
    of the egg that was left by the hen

    A salad that's made with an egg
    will stain if you spill on your leg
    So you'd better prepare,
    that is, if you care...
    'bout salads and regs about eggs.

    There was an old geezer with gout
    whose moustache contained sauerkraut
    They said he's a weenie
    I said no that's Meaney
    if it's not right he starts to pout!

    There was an old geezer with gout
    whose moustache contained sauerkraut
    On his shirt was a stain
    and his life was mundane
    bolstered by barrels of stout.

    His clothes were ragged and old
    His nose was bedraggled with cold
    His red eyes did itch
    from staring at 'Hitch'
    (well, from the acapulco gold.)

    More money than brains that is true
    Of those buying everything new
    Some of this, some of that
    First a dog then a cat
    I gave it all up for a shrew.

    My granny wears frilly old hats
    And sleeps with about twenty cats --
    And the cats sleep with her, so
    the old man will have to go
    the whiskers are driving him bats.

    If a monkey, a cow and a loon
    played checkers from morning till noon,
    When the three broke for lunch
    They would sip mango punch
    then play on till the rise of the moon.

    When the moon rose, the loon took his leave,
    which* the monkey could scarcely believe;
    the game wasn't done—
    why, they'd hardly begun!
    The cow mooed "well if you please"!

    When boys play with girls (and not toys),
    They try not to make too much noise
    But a full-throated shout
    and a pint of old stout
    They soon shed their clothes with their poise.

    A man had a blue and a moose
    Which he tried to trade for a goose.
    When the goose went a-runnin'
    The fellow was done in
    and went on a hunt for a noose.

    The qualifications for court
    Are such that a barrister ought
    Have a sound backup plan—
    like removalist man—
    or get caught sound asleep in the fort.

    There once was a sweetie from Durham
    Who could neither kill patients nor cure 'em
    So she waffled and stewed
    Did her rounds in the nude
    And patients, oh my, she did lure 'em!

    A courageous old warhorse from Leeds
    one day found himself in the weeds
    He pulled out his sword.
    She screamed, "Oh, my Lord!"
    "You've always looked better in tweeds!"

    In Kansas we deal with the weather
    Nevada thoughts deal with the nether
    But here in New Jersey,
    milk comes from a Guernsey,
    Who may later be turned into leather.

    In Kansas we deal with the weather
    Nevada thoughts deal with the nether
    But here in New Jersey,
    Milk comes from a Guernsey,
    That's tied to a tree with a tether.

    In the Florentine rain an old Tuscan
    Scrawled graffiti in ancient Etruscan
    Though his words were imbued
    with analogies crude
    They'd the wit of, oh, say, David Susskind.

    A snowflake fell right on my nose
    Then it melted and dripped on my toes,
    Which made my feet chilly
    And I felt kind of silly
    but certainly not lachrymose

    An Einstein or Newton I'm not;
    I'll stick with the brains that I've got.
    My ignorant bliss
    may be an abyss–
    Who needs smarts when your body's this hot?

    I like Potter books, Harry or Beatrix,
    and tuxes, as worn to high tea at Rick's,
    Though my funds won't permit
    the high life led legit,
    I sneak undeserved luxuries via tricks.

    Are our rhymers quite up to this challenge?
    And you're wondering, "would such a pal lendj'[a]"
    you've made my brain hurt --
    I'll go lay in the dirt
    and dream of the high chapparal, NJ

    The Love Boat is one sort of Ark
    Where the passengers kiss in the dark.
    Oh how they coo as they woo
    (including crew)! Two by two,
    Genetically making their mark

    Methuselah lived nine hundred years
    Well-respected by all of his peers.
    If you're reading his story
    You'll know that he's hoary:
    Imagine the hair in his ears!

    I tripped on the box in the hall
    and woke up somewhere west of Nepal.
    Though the air is quite clear,
    I still wish I weren't here
    and I have no idea who to call.

    When out with the bulls in Pamplona
    Do not bring any bologna.
    If you do, you'll regret
    Lacking medic or vet
    Those two wonderful gents from Verona.

    Oh, yes! I do like bar-b-que!
    But keep it between me and you
    a maestro I'm not
    but cooking what's hot
    is something I like to do.

    My cousin eats nothing but pickles
    He buys them up town with his nickels
    If you give him a dime
    He'd have a good time
    A bill, he'd be even more tickled

    On the edge of a cliff lived an ogre
    He purchased his victuals at Kroger
    While shopping for spuds
    And a box of Milk Duds
    His home was destroyed by a 'dozer

    When snow and sleet are the forecast
    The Post is, by Nature, outclassed
    But when the sun shines
    I write a few lines
    and the mailman delivers 'em fast.

    The Kung Fu Shiatsu masseuse
    Can throw you from here to Toulouse.
    She'll not break a sweat
    nor the silence, and yet
    but beware, she might crack your caboose.

    On a windy day south of Havana
    From the sky fell a truckload of manna
    But then fell the truck
    On one unlucky duck
    And presto! - duck-manna bandana

    The pizza delivery boy
    Rode fast on his two-wheeled toy
    But he couldn't quite manage
    To gain an advantage
    on the horse sent for Helen of Troy

    A French attaché in Botswana
    Went looking in vain for a sauna
    but she ran into peril
    When she peeked in a barrel
    And found more flora than fauna.

    A giggling gaggle of geese,
    On the lookout for mirthful release,
    Drank far too much brew
    And, when they were threw,
    needed dozens of aspirin apiece.

    A gentleman from north of Springfield
    Bought a dull knife and not a damn thing peeled
    But what an excuse
    to hire a masseuse
    and meantime the soup stock congealed.

    A gentleman from north of Springfield
    Paused at the sign that said: YIELD.
    He argued "But why?!"
    Then a truck zoomed on by
    And the reason for YIELD was revealed.

    When my cell phone fell into the sink
    I yelled "Someone bring me a drink!"
    With my ear to the drain
    I heard 'Lady of Spain'
    And still hear it...damn, I can't think!

    A big horse on four wheels is a toy
    That not everyone seems to enjoy.
    Those folks try to feed 'em
    by catapult. "Freedom!"
    And thus let the Greeks into Troy.

    Forever's a long time a-coming
    more so if you've got dodgy plumbing
    or a neck that won't work
    and a man who's a jerk
    whose one skill is only ride thumbing.

    The meters these days are so radical
    That my brain aches; I'll take a sabbatical
    I'll return here betimes
    to contribute new rhymes
    that are lyrical, not just grammatical.

    Our meter’s so bad that you’re leaving,
    And our hearts are now sad with the grieving;
    If we get back on track,
    Don’t forget to come back
    To help with the limerick conceiving!

    The snow sneaked so quick down the mountain
    The ski bucks the boss is a-countin'
    The lift lines are growing
    And still it keeps snowing
    I'd rather toss coins in a fountain!

    Flattery will get you somewhere
    - if you're lucky, the Folies Bergères -
    But choose your words well
    And try not to smell
    I'll find something warm we can share...

    Flattery will get you somewhere
    - if you're lucky, the Folies Bergères -
    But what I prefer
    is to be with a her
    with no chance of a curt "au contraire"

    I wound up in King Arthur's court
    In the halls of old Camelot's fort
    I ran into Merlin
    while sneaking a girl in
    and now she's the new queen consort.

    The painter of nude portraits balked
    When Jill asked to be penciled or chalked,
    For he worked in oils
    and painted the Royals
    through his windows which were all well caulked.

    The furnace repairman was mainly
    A nut case, for he, quite insanely,
    would furnish a filter
    that was all out of kilter
    and, being a shrub, quite ungainly.

    The rules of this forum are bent
    and will haskins got up and went
    he left Unique crying
    While Jenna was trying
    To work it all out before Lent.

    But that's what? four? six months away?
    That's plenty of time, I must say.
    In the meantime, who's boss here?
    The one who's least cross here?
    Or whoever's willing to pay?

    I've a habit of watching the news
    with a pipe and a glass of Chartreuse
    If I touch the remote
    the boss clears her throat
    and I get the workin' man blues.

    The remote isn't mine, you must see;
    All I have has been given to me
    And it's given on loan
    Not one bit is my own
    And that's how I get by tax-free!

    This Thanksgiving turkey's so good
    Last year it tasted like wood
    (But that was because
    of the carpenter clause)
    I got mine from a butcher. You should.

    Henrietta, Marcellus, and Clarence
    All look very much like their parents
    except for the rash
    and the Chaplin moustache
    And the big nose of dear Uncle Terence.

    There is one thing I try to avoid—
    without being too paranoid:
    abduction by mobsters
    who've eaten bad lobsters
    They got from a fellow named Lloyd.

    My muse has gone missing in action,
    Which means I'll get no satisfaction.
    What I'd give for a thought!
    If my muse could be caught
    or forced to produce a great caption.

    My house is a mess, can't you see?
    And one might think it was because of me.
    What I need is a shovel
    to take care of this hovel
    And a few weeks to dig myself free!

    The near-sighted monkey fell smitten...
    With a saucy (and three-legged) kitten.
    But, the kitten gave birth
    To a chicken named Werth
    With a habit of hissin' and spittin'.

    I wonder what's up with my uncle
    He's digging a hole with Ted Kunkel
    The neighbors are rankled,
    My aunt's swollen-ankled,
    And my uncle is begging for unctals.

    Billy Riley was known well for his jig...
    He kept sprightly with syrup of fig
    But his less-limber sister
    Got mad when he dissed her
    And ruined his fig-eating gig.

    There once was a gent in torment
    For the gal who had seemed heaven-sent
    had cleaned out his checking
    to bankroll her necking
    then garnished him twenty percent.

    The circus freak taunted the judge
    Who was well known to carry a grudge
    So he pounded his gavel
    And in accents of gravel
    Recited from Barnaby Rudge

    When planning your holiday shopping,
    You can save yourself lots of store-hopping
    By refusing to buy
    Anything for a guy
    From anywhere other than Wapping

    The reindeer who don't make the cut
    Have to play endless rounds of putt-putt
    and while Rudolph makes jokes
    the rest of the blokes
    stand attention when he says "Ten-HUT!"

    When Curly met Larry and Moe,
    Those Stooges stepped on his big toe
    He popped 'em but good
    with a number one wood
    followed up by a gardening hoe.

    Six sailors set out in a ship
    With a captain who wielded a whip
    But it didn't seem then,
    as they drank bathtub gin,
    that Elvira would use it to strip

    One day in the Octopus Club
    The octopus needed a rub
    Her masseuse, an old squid,
    said, "Whatever you did,
    Needs a soak in a piping hot tub.

    I went Christmas shopping for hours
    And it drained all my "let's be nice" powers
    Just when I was done,
    and stopped being fun,
    'Cause I saw reindeer poop in my flowers.

    I can't live up north one more minute
    There's just no more levity in it
    I'll make my way south
    cuss words dead in my mouth
    Don't you dare say to just grin and bear it!

    My grandmother's chocolate fudge cookies
    should not be eaten by rookies
    They're loaded with chips
    So if your blood sugar dips
    Better postpone your calls to the bookies!

    I'm willing to show you the ropes
    Lim'rick writing is hardly for dopes
    Nor for the timid
    Or one with a slim id
    or who frequently shows up on 'snopes'

    The Brady Bunch family wagon-
    I'm sorry to say it was draggin'
    When Alice and Sam
    Went to pick up some ham
    The weight led to serious saggin.'

    My brother went off to Morocco
    His hotel was strange: quite rococo.
    The bed was quite lumpy,
    No sleep made him grumpy
    The bellman kept yelling, "Ho! Ho! Ho"

    My husband is fighting a cold
    but I say it's due to the mold
    His coughin' and sneezin'
    is not very pleasin'
    and frankly it's getting quite old.

    I may have a cold or the flu
    So I went to a doctor who knew
    Every germ in the book
    But when he took a look
    At my throat he found out it was blue!

    Last night when it started to snow
    And the wind chill felt twenty below
    I sat in my rocker
    And turned on some soccer
    While outside the towtrucks did tow.

    This morning I started a puzzle
    And whiskey proceeded to guzzle
    I drank forty shots
    And believe it or not
    the kids I proceeded to muzzle.

    The reindeer are looking so grim
    Cause Santa is still way too trim
    Since he cut out desserts
    And wears much smaller shirts,
    The kids just won't recognize him.

    I'd fasten my socks to the mantle
    Just under the pine-scented candle
    But they're probably too small
    And the stress of it all
    is much more than I can handle.

    My dog has been begging for treats
    And he's laying on top of my feets
    He whines and he drools,
    Till I put down my tools
    And give him some treats he can eats.

    My cat is a lazy old lump
    if you wake him, he's also a grump
    I kicked him, he's dead,
    so I'm going to bed
    Wait a minute! I just saw him jump!

    reph: I didn't want a verse to end with a dead cat. Old softie, yeah.

    Whenever I start to wash dishes
    I look at the sink and I wishes
    My cat wouldn't drink
    From the dishes that stink
    Then pi$$ in the tank with the fishes...

    I want to know right from the start,
    What causes my sons both to fart.
    Perhaps it's their diet
    (an intestinal riot!)
    'cause they honed it to an art.

    I don't want to cook Christmas dinner
    Which probably makes me a sinner
    But I'm far too lazy
    To make myself crazy.
    Besides, if I don't, I'll be thinner.

    If Santa had once been a hippie,
    With his man boobs and the chill, he'd be nippy.
    But his red hat and coat
    Serve to cover his bloat
    'Cause to see him in dreds would be trippy!

    The New Year holds so much potential
    Resolutions are therefore essential <much better
    You don't need to keep 'em;
    Or even reveal 'em.
    They just wipe out the inconsequential.

    It's Lori B's birthday today
    And wouldn't it be special if Ray
    did a Happy Joy Dance
    without any pants
    and blew sloppy kisses her way.

    And after the party was over
    We all played a game of Red Rover
    At three hundred pounds
    The plaintiff had grounds
    to sandblast the white cliffs of Dover

    I met my wife on Jerry Springer
    The episode was a humdinger;
    it's guest list was shocking
    Each man wore one stocking
    And I sat with a transvestite swinger

    After taping the show was all done
    We went out for sushi and fun.
    While Jerry was witty,
    His agent was gritty.
    (She's known as Attila the "Hon".)

    So next week, I'm on Rikki Lake
    And this time so much is at stake.
    When they ask "Who's yo daddy?"
    I point to the caddy
    He stands up and yells, "You're a snake!"

    A snake I am called, yes it's true....
    Now I'm off to Judge Judy to sue;
    But instead, old Judge Wapner
    made my ex a pauper
    and greyer than Phil Donahue

    The nose of Geraldo Rivera
    Is as smashed as my old great aunt Clara
    He pokes it in places
    puts his fingers in spaces
    While dressed up like Scarlett O'Hara

    Sadly, for all those he meets,
    this insipid advice he repeats:
    "Be happy each day"
    but can't tell them the way
    without asking to go 'tween the sheets

    My favorite, by far, is Montel
    That bald top we all know so well
    'Zat him on Spin City?
    Oh, he look so pretty!
    And his self-help books are so . . . swell!

    Why is this thread always mislaid?
    Are the rhyme leprechauns underpaid?
    Should we nail it in place?
    Or let it fall in disgrace?
    Let's not let it wilt in the shade!

    Keep it going, you line-by-line bards!
    Tis tough when your brain is in shards
    While time is the devil
    You must keep that head level
    But don't you be pikers, old pards*

    poetinahat: *: paraphrase from Robert Service's The Quitter

    I'm back in the saddle again
    and dealing in pesos and yen
    But all of my Euros
    are invested in burros
    And a noisy but egg-laden hen.

    We're so glad you learned how to ride
    But it's late now: come on back inside
    You can't bring the horse
    in for dinner, of course
    he's Clydesdale, not Bonnie or Clyde...

    I'm riding a wave of euphoria
    But it won't get me through to Peoria
    With the sun in my eyes
    and some sand on my thighs
    And a floozy who says her name's Gloria

    So, what do we know about Nero?
    Either fiddler or Wolfe, he's a hero
    In toga or spats
    He's juggling cats
    Why? 'Cause his countdown starts well below zero.

    I found a kink in my tape measure
    I whacked it to show my displeasure
    then to my chagrin
    Bob Vila walked in
    And straigtened it out at his lesiure.

    Mozart turns 250 this year
    Let's all celebrate with a beer!
    His Divertimenti
    with clouds of pink confetti
    were fav'rites of old Jan Vermeer

    So, if you can play a piano
    any better than that iPod Nano
    and you don't have the flu
    then your gig starts at two
    of course we'll provide the soprano.

    This soprano, oh how she sings
    almost like sound given wings
    But she is a he
    Castrada, you see
    and missing two manly things.

    The sun hasn't shined in a week
    So I'm winging it to Martinique
    I'll laze on the beach
    a Mai Tai in reach
    and a hand rubbing oil on each cheek.

    Vacations are great for a tan
    Claimed the eminent Coppertone man
    I'm covered in oil
    And starting to boil
    Like a fish in a hot frying pan.

    My computer is getting quite old
    There's a new thing called 'Windows', I'm told.
    It's made Bill Gates rich,
    runs at 5 MegaGlitch,
    but I closed it for fear I'd catch cold.

    Flu season's upon us again
    I got it from this sickly hen
    A pandemic of one
    and a nose Born to Run
    sometimes John Couger's not fun.

    The chills kinda' give me a thrill
    Until the doc hands me his bill
    Ten dollars a minute,
    but the details within it
    read "golf clubs" and "trip to Brazil."

    The cop collared Louie the Mule
    when his lookout (the bumbling fool)
    started shrieking with terror
    that he'd made a great error
    and confounded his stash with his stool.

    meaney: Sorry, that was revolting. Let me make amends:

    A good little girl who wore posies
    was seen drinking shots down at Josie's
    belly up to the bar
    order scotch in a jar
    then snuggle up next to me cozy.

    A young man of means and good breeding
    Spent most of his time simply reading
    When his secret was out
    The girls would all pout
    Till he finally gave in to their pleading.

    There once was a maid named Rapunzel
    whose dad said, "Stop spending! Our funds'll
    deplete to the point
    that your braid's out of joint
    and the princes will think everyone's ill!"

    I'll serve you a coffee gelato
    Laced with some fine amaretto
    If you ask for some sweetener
    like a fat poncy Etoner
    I'll grace your face with a tomato

    The girl ambles by with a rhythm
    That says to me, "She's had too much rum"
    If I lit a match near her
    The explosion would sear her
    with flames coming out of her bum.

    Does rhythm really rhyme with rum?
    I'll ponder while nibbling my thumb
    The heck, I'll drink it
    like some kind of nitwit,
    And hope I won't swallow my gum.

    A pig in a poke went to market,
    he took a big box of croquettes,
    when he bent over
    to nibble the clover
    He bumped into Rosanna Arquette

    The barbeque babies of Babel
    were known for cooking up trouble:
    a dash of dissension,
    and massive retention
    Reduced the whole city to rubble!

    I once had fried chicken for lunch
    Examined the bucket, just on a hunch
    I found something with scales
    And two fingernails
    Which gave the 'chicken' some crunch.

    I had Chinese food later that night,
    and the chef was especially bright:
    Into the fried rice
    He stirred an egg twice
    Then fashioned it into a kite

    The surface of Venus is warm
    My heated passion is torn
    'Tween Sarah and Jane
    One's heart must be slain
    And one half of me forever forlorn.

    If ever there was a big mess
    It's when teenaged lobsters undress
    With shells in the molt
    It's a sight to revolt
    The most hardened folks of the press.

    Steak and shrimp's fine for dinner, I say
    I eat one in and one takeaway
    With a bottle of lager
    and a spandex-clad jogger
    Try and catch me to join me today

    I much prefer meals made from scratch
    Try lasagna! I just made a batch!
    My linguine's sublime
    heavy basil and thyme
    And a glass of shiraz... down the hatch!

    King Crimson, the Who, and Joe Cocker
    ducked out for a quick game of soccer
    Keith Richards dropped by
    Of course, he was high
    They all were-hmmm... what a shocker!

    If soccer's not game of your choice
    And you don't own a purple Rolls Royce,
    Then you're more-or-less normal
    No need to be formal
    But don't you use that tone of voice!

    If soccer's not game of your choice
    And you don't own a purple Rolls Royce,
    Then you're more-or-less normal
    No need to be formal
    Just let your voice come out loud and rejoice!

    I came in last place in the luge
    'Cause the booties they gave me were huge.
    Feet first, they're a drag
    caused my butt to sag
    I looked like a touqe-wearin' stooge.

    While skiing downhill in the winter
    my ski started turning to splinters
    So I dug in my pole
    but I skewered a mole
    and now I've got something for dinner.

    I used to eat nothing but sushi
    'cos my Japanese girlfriend was pushy
    but now she's just dumb
    poked her eye with her thumb.
    You should see it! Now it's all mushy!

    Happy Valentine's Day to you all
    Yes, even you there alone in the hall
    Come on over tonight;
    If your timing is right,
    we'll explore your abdominal wall.

    If the sharks keep on eating our tourists
    Then PETA will freak (they're such purists)
    For sharks have more value
    depending on milieux
    than the Livestrong bands you've got on your wrists

    I used to get drunk at the theatre.
    The ticket girl, when I screamed "free!" at her,
    said what the ****?
    and started to duck.
    Now, my drinking is all just a blurr.

    I wish I could show you this sunset,
    the one I can see from my Quonset.
    Electric pastels
    marred by drunk a$$holes
    Look -- a mark in the sand where my buns set!

    A crack in the Brandenburg Gate
    Is a sign of Berlin's coming fate.
    But this Thursday, at three,
    they'll seal it with ghee
    and hope that they're not too too late.

    The conversation of late on the board
    is concerning the Oslo Accord
    Some couldn't do it
    and would rather eschew it
    Than be found soaking wet in a fjörd!

    Look out, our thread may go elsewhere!
    What meanest thou, Pthom? Do declare.
    To the Poetry Forum
    Where there's better decorum
    But no one there has any hair

    Rhymegirl may be the exception
    her extrasensory perception
    bristles and spikes
    like spokes in kids' bikes
    dazzle us in broken reflection.

    But you know, my buddy's an ace
    to his parents, a major disgrace
    But the local tattooist
    (I think he was Jewisht)
    gave him 10% off a Full-Face...

    These pretzels are making me thirsty
    and my breath is all garlic bratwurst-y
    So replenish my stein
    This is the next line
    And we'll drink till our rhymes aren't so worst-y.

    Pthom: (If Jewisht can make it, so can worst-y, right?) :: shrug ::

    There once was a feminine rhyme
    Who's rhythm was very sublime
    'til a male preposition
    adjusted position
    And the last line came out in mime

    When the low hanging fruit is all gone
    and your balance sheet looks like a yawn
    Then pick up your socks
    Have some gin on the rocks
    And join us for boules on the lawn

    The Tanqueray tickertape tourney,
    judged by Bert and Ernie,
    drew in a crowd
    loud, very loud!
    My virgin ears left on a gurney.

    O flatulent, singing guitar,
    staccato rudeness amplified far
    and the singing of strings,
    the reeking of beans,
    Sent me driving away in my car.

    Pthom: flatulent guitar? huh?
    poetinahat: Haven't you ever heard of 'feedback'? Now c'mon and throw us a line.
    Pthom: Yeah, I've heard of feedback--have even heard feedback. But I never heard any that I'd call flatulent. Nonetheless, the poem was completed before I could throw out anything ... or open a window.

    Fortescue Fondant the Fourth
    Came from the land to the north.
    While seeking a star
    He walked into a bar
    and said, "Yes! He shooteth... he scoreth!"

    A magnum of Kenyan champagne
    Was sent overseas on a plane
    Everywhere it did burst
    Without quenching thirst
    Much to the passengers disdain.

    A prissy old spinster from Bath
    With unladylike grumbles of wrath
    Exclaimed to her friend
    my bum's on the mend
    Those 'roids were a pain in the ath!!

    Although she was near eighty-two,
    her teats were as stubborn as glue
    they'd stick to each other
    nip-locked like lovers
    'till hubby makes one into two.

    Her face was a roadmap of worry,
    for the years had passed by in a hurry.
    Two husbands, four kids
    Left her life on the skids
    And the booze made her vision quite blurry

    A boisterous and crabby old coot
    Gave her slovenly husband the boot
    When the pool boy came by
    She exclaimed "Me oh my!
    Now there's a trombone I could toot..."

    The baronet's simpering lackey
    Said "Dahling, that's just a bit tacky.
    Red plaid and green stripes
    Go with lumberjack types,
    and you, dear, look better in khaki."

    I'm out on Bikini Patrol.
    (No, not the atomic atoll.)
    Who's that in a thong?
    I might say- it's just wrong...
    a bum like the Hollywood Bowl.

    How far can spandex give way?
    "Pretty far," I've heard others say
    But there are side effects
    that resemble train wrecks
    And send passers-by running away.

    Another bad fashion mistake
    Hawaiian shirt at a relative's wake
    Though the flowers aren't lei'd
    I should still be afraid
    if the hula girls started to shake.

    A pair of moon boots on your feet
    Is needed when snow in the street
    But you wear them to bed
    "No, no!" mother said.
    "In sleep you'll retain too much heat."

    Now that Jack's showered and shaved
    And remarkably well-behaved
    He might be forgiven
    For makin' a livin'
    defendin' that ****er, James Frey.

    My oven's a few degrees cold
    The frig's hirsute growing mold
    and my blender? - don't ask
    It wasn't up to the task
    Neither am I- so I'm told!

    While dancing around in the kitchen
    PSG got nekkid without flinchin'
    And the real coup de grace
    Warn't the egg on her face
    'Twars the holes in her soles she was stitchin'.

    This tattoo don't look like it should...
    It covers my neck like a hood
    In colors of black, red, and green
    and a septic sheen
    Who told me that tat artist was good?

    One of these days you'll get laid
    Without even having it paid
    But watch out for sleaze
    and the genital sneeze
    and the offer to take it in trade.

    Spring is on its way
    so put on your snowpants and play.
    Suck down some cocoa
    And put away your po-po (relax, don't go loco)
    and slide on your sled while ye may

    A painter was dipping his brush
    Into the delicate colour of blush
    He tripped and fell down
    Stuck his foot in the brown
    And his beautiful canvas, he did crush.

    I once met a man in the park
    Reading, while naked as a lark
    So I stole his umbrella
    He pointed to his little fella
    and said, "How ya like my bookmark?"

    I can't understand Dr. Phil
    To think of him gives me a chill
    His moustache and bald head
    look like Pringle's Can Ted*
    And with plenty of bullsh*t he's filled**

    poetinahat: *(let's just pretend that's his name)
    Prosthetic Foreheads: **(no pretending necessary)

    A dirty old man and his maid
    Tried to figure out how to get paid
    he dusted her thong
    with the end of his schlong
    She gasped, "That's quite nice," and she stayed.

    A night on the town's what Fred needs
    To give topless girls mardi gras beads
    but his wife, she objects...
    but then again, she's a woman, so why listen to her, because, really, who listens to women? -- especially when they object.
    That was a long fourth line, indeed

    Jen's a fine young lass who sleeps 'round
    despite that young cads do abound
    She insists, "It's no bother,"
    Lets out a yelp and a holler
    and gymnastic tricks that will astound

    The medal you get for fourth place
    Is not a sign of disgrace
    But it happens to show
    What you didn't know
    This wasn't a three-legged race.

    While dancing one night cheek to cheek
    I found myself drawn to this freak
    his face inside-out
    quite the boorish lout
    so I handed him off to a geek.

    While swimming the Agean sea,
    I desperately needed to pee.
    But the Water Inspector
    had a urea detector
    So everyone knew it was me!

    I overheard two plumbers talking
    about a crack that needed caulking
    one's pants dipped low
    giving quite a show
    and the crack was stuffed with a stocking

    The wind lifted her skirt up high
    He got a tasty peek at her thigh
    pink panties made him smile
    a fantasy to defile
    And then he realized it was a guy!

    She put the money in her pocket
    And a picture of him in her locket
    Dangled it from her neck
    And said, "What the heck?"
    If I can't sell it, I'll hock it.

    One day on his way to the vet
    with a large and hair-challenged pet
    He smelled something rotten
    Like an egg long forgotten
    'Twas the funkiest thing he'd yet met

    Young Ted grew to be a man-wh*re
    You could tell by the spandex he wore
    Too much was revealed
    When his seams came unsealed
    And peer-group response was quite poor.

    I'm licking a liquorice lolly
    and handing it over to Polly
    She dropped it on the floor
    Then asked me for more
    But she ain't gonna get it, by golly!

    A nervous young fellow from Frisco
    Wore his Travolta white suit to a disco
    But the seam in his pants
    split and showed off his lance
    And his bum had a sheen like Crisco

    Out on the beach in the sun
    I ran into a witty old nun
    Although I was nude
    (Which you might say was rude)
    I still got a pinch on the bun.

    Out on the beach in the sun
    I ran into a witty old nun
    Although I was nude
    (Which you might say was rude)
    She laughed as she pointed and made fun.

    Some lines are a mystery to me
    Something about them I can't see
    Be it meter or meaning
    or lines for dry cleaning
    or the line to the restroom to pee

    Do you remember how mom and dad yelled
    Into one, the arguments would meld
    A continuous loop
    of loud verbal poop
    They'd even cuss while peanuts were shelled

    Now boys are known to be randy
    When sitting in front of eye candy
    They drool and they moan
    And they let out a groan
    When the lap dancer lets them get handy.

    My mother, the lady of pleasure
    of children said, "No not a treasure --
    They eat and they stink
    And I shall spank their bottoms until they're nice and pink
    Then I'll shove bars of soap in their mouths and put them in a chair in the corner and make them write "I will behave" one hundred times, just for good measure.

    I had a great thought in the shower
    And was awed by its grandeur and power,
    But when I dried off,
    I gave a slight cough
    and said, "No one will buy purple flour."

    The meat man knocked on the front door
    He was late; it was already four.
    He gave me a slab
    of inedible drab
    Pizza de jour? Never more.

    Pizza de jour? Never more.
    Mine had anchovies, figs and roast boar
    But for me the last straw
    Was meat that was raw
    Now from the retching, my belly is sore

    Under the table, my dog ate the scraps
    Later that night, we had to play taps
    For poor doggie was dead
    From those scraps he was fed,
    That were riddled with bird-flu perhaps?

    Renaissance ideals only faulter,
    Pardon me while I put on my halter,
    and you in your chaps
    will earn a few claps
    but possibly leave you alone at the alter

    Redhead gals and their baldheaded men
    Are really nothing like Barbie and Ken,
    But when they go cruisin'
    And dancin' and boozin'
    They're young in their hearts once again.

    A bird in the rain on a wire
    thought he should be a high flyer
    a voltage spike frizzed
    his brain was cheese-whizzed
    And now he will make a good fryer.

    There once was a poet named Zach
    His humorous pieces showed his knack
    His prose was the biz
    you should all have a squiz*
    And find out for yourself he's no hack

    poetinahat: *it means "have a look"... shame on you!

    The wife tells me she's taking a break from the sex
    'Cos her love life was tangled, extremely com-plex
    So she completely disrupted the limericks meter
    Which opened the door to a free-form jazz ending, zoo bop be do be bop
    and she went down on me.

    In the woods, the fox awaits
    for chickens, roasted, on plates
    But he'll have to wait longer
    Cuz' the chickens were stronger
    On steroids whilst lifting huge weights

    Meanwhile on a log by the stream
    The reunion concert of Cream
    Led Zep had a cow,
    Freddie M. took a bow,
    but it all ended up as a dream

    March 14- a great day for the men
    March Madness, they'll be in the den
    But don't let them out
    They might very well pout
    Just chuck 'em some beer now and then

    The best thing about adolescence
    is probably not the tumescence
    Nor hormones in disarray
    Nor using too many syllables in play
    It's not looking like Donald Pleasence

    The fathers of Fabulous Frank
    Had plenty of dough in the bank
    It's too bad he's dead
    But ere passing, he said,
    "I wish there was beer in this tank."

    If it's spring, then why is it so cold?
    Outside should be windy and bold.
    The daffodils bend,
    the sun needs to send,
    A message, put Speedos on hold.

    The man in the Speedo so tight
    Gave most of the ladies a fright
    They were scared of the lump
    Which was more of a "stump"
    And turned to the left, not the right.

    The bicycle rider from France
    Swore he'd leave nothing to chance!
    He packed up his gear
    And settled his rear
    But he still was beat soundly by Lance!

    Ol' Buck will sing for us no more.
    He hates HMS Pinafore
    he hated the songs
    and wearing the thongs
    but the high heels he really adores.

    I awoke at three-twenty a.m.
    Went naked to the ocean to swim
    I felt a bit chilled
    but my hubby was thrilled
    happy twas me and not him.

    While jogging one day in the fog
    I tripped and fell over a log
    I scraped up my knees
    and got covered in fleas
    Some days I hate being a dog!

    If you me again I will
    Then I'll this sharp stick in your
    I'll your
    then I'll your

    Pthom: And, in other news, the old Limerick thread, that withstood the move a year ago from ezboard, has finally come to a crashing demise, perhaps because of lack of suitable graphic imagery, perhaps just because ... Oh, I can't go on...sob, sob, sob.

    And once I am done it's (goodbye)

    A limerick lover from Hue
    penned on the walls of the loo
    For a good time, just call
    Mary Alice, or Paul
    at 867-5302

    By jotting that phone number down,
    And hailing a cab for uptown
    With polka-dot clothes
    A man in green hose
    Shot the cabby and fled underground.

    Curmudgeon's a hard word to rhyme;
    I don't think I'll try to, this time.
    Instead, I will strive
    to keep this alive
    And toss back a tequila and lime.

    I think I shall start up a blog
    detailing my life as a frog
    But to write in a swamp
    is no better than Donald Trump
    is no better than Trump <-- compulsive metrical fix (poetinahat)
    So I'll swap POV with the hog.

    A stringy old cat named McPhee
    caught a virus (ironical-ly)
    by the name of General Lee
    and now he's caught in a tree
    Spouting the same rhymes constant-ly

    Solatium: (meter is dead)

    Let's make this more difficult still
    like swallowing a large, bitter pill
    That looks like a beetle
    And pokes like a needle
    And smells like a bucket of swill

    I'm not all that trusting, you know
    to follow wherever you go
    but give me a pinch
    and a bright yellow finch
    I'll try it as long as it's slow

    A twittering thrush on a branch
    stood tall and surveyed the ranch,
    a rustling was heard
    below this young bird
    the size of the snake made him blanch.

    Unique: (whew- didn't realize not much ends in -anch; I do now!)

    'This sandwich tastes funny', he said.
    'It might be the corduroy bread...'
    'But what are the ridges?'
    It's covered in midges,
    And some of them aren't quite dead.

    A tiresome American actor
    Is Scientology's main benefactor
    A samurai he's not
    his credibility shot
    All Kidman aside (the Ex factor).

    Flesh weak, but the spirit is willing
    for two farthings and a half shilling
    I'd give up strong drink
    For a chance at the pink
    it's been years since I had a good thrilling...

    The reason I'm sober today
    Is simply because of the play
    The curtains won't open
    I'm behind the Pope, and
    He's kept all the wine for his pray

    PrettySpecialGal: (okay- say it out loud- and sorry to you Catholic-types out there. Poet started it)

    The poetry contest- oh, boy!
    The thought of it fills me with joy!
    So, write one for Mom
    and hope it don't bomb
    After all, she's like Helen of Troy!

    The next one will be about Dad
    A man who was ever so sad
    Because he had heard
    That MOM is the word
    For Maker Of Mud: it's so bad!

    Pthom: (glad to see you all keeping this alive; sorry I've been away from it for so long.)

    Last edited by Pthom; 02-09-2013 at 03:01 AM. Reason: Breaking this thread into parts, to make it easier to load.
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  4. #4
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    Thumbs up The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Part 2 (Limericks 501-1000)


    If only I had enough time
    I'd think of a cleverer rhyme
    you see I'm a poet,
    Even though I don't know it
    And that's why this verse is sublime.

    Coffee is good for my talent
    drinking it makes me feel gallant
    'till it hits me down low
    and I just gotta' go
    Shows the lack of my bladder's raw talent

    The season for me is baseball
    my team's colors I paint on my face-all
    those styrofoam hands
    way up in the stands
    protesting the umpire's call.

    He was not "safe" he was out
    but his argument had little clout
    catcher stepped on the bag
    saved the game with a tag
    Now we all get to watch the boy pout!

    Thank goodness it's sunny today.
    Just right for a roll in the hay.
    Whether your field or mine
    We'd still be entwined
    and filmed, I am sure, by Ray.

    The weekend is pressing upon me
    like tight pants on a fella' named Lee
    I'll have a few beers
    And start shakin' my rear
    and see who I can pick up for free.

    King Midas was counting his gold
    In the nude, too. Boy was HE bold.
    As he sat on his throne,
    he let out a groan
    'Cause as we all know, gold cash is cold.

    “Oh, well,” I said, “I did try.”
    But she said, "You're not my type of guy."
    "You're fat and you're hairy
    and you work in a dairy,
    in the words of Dionne... Walk On By."

    Potatoes are good for the soul
    though they are fattening as hell, you know
    love handles beware
    though I really don't care
    just hand me the rest of the bowl.

    A girl on a bike took a ride
    Through scenic West Merseyside
    She fell flat on her belly
    when she ran o'er a Welly
    and scraped off a big patch of hide.

    A tender young laddie was he
    When he climbed to the top of the tree.
    With spyglass in hand
    And his whole evening planned,
    He watched the whole ballgame for free.

    When Anne got undressed by the mirror
    her sweet, hidden charms became clearer.
    Her nurples were purped
    "I'm a hottie" she burped
    And the customer had to pay dearer

    If we had a line from Melisande . . .
    the Limerick Thread would be grand!
    but lines from all others
    (including our mothers)
    have gotten a bit out of hand.

    Pthom: (Adjusting a lot, just because I felt the need; send me bad reps if you hate it.)

    If ye're runnin' skeered fer yer life
    In the old Scottish county of Fife
    Beware ye the sheep
    And the comp'ny they keep
    'Cuz one of 'em might know yer wife!

    I apologize to you. Profusely.
    I know that you're not fond of muesli
    It's thick and it's gritty
    oh, what a pity
    But it's food... and I use the term loosely

    The Sheriff of Nottingham's pants
    Was attacked by a mound of red ants
    Why he left them where
    all the townfolk would stare
    and did Napoleon Dynamite's dance

    The pants, however, were found
    and returned to him safe and sound --
    and mended, to boot
    now fit for the coot
    So he could go prancing around.

    Whenever I try to remember
    what I did last December
    My mind goes all glitt'ry
    My heartbeat gets jitt'ry
    from the wine I drank in November.

    I just went to San Francisco
    And followed a man to a disco
    Keith Richards was there
    and he took my dare
    by eating a box marked "Nabisco".

    I hate to bathe my three dogs.
    Their fur always causes drain clogs.
    The soap is so harsh that it
    Even pained me a bit
    So next time I wore London Fog.

    while sailing alone in a boat
    and clad in only a coat
    I practiced morse code
    while dreaming of Spode
    and praying I'd stay afloat.

    There once was a laptop from hell
    though it's keyboard worked rather well
    it's mouse was quite rabid
    whenever I'd grab it
    It let out an ear-splitting yell.

    You could hear it three miles away
    It sounded like Charlotte Corday
    but the French Revolution
    set back our evolution
    it might even take us all day.

    When you are updating your blog
    It's best if you stay off the grog
    Don't drink and write
    Or it'll be sh!te
    And you'll end up face down in the bog

    A gentleman farmer from Cork
    Was a little too fond of his pork
    he dressed it in silk
    and soaked it in milk
    and took him out walking in York.

    A pig in high heels is a sight
    only to witness at night.
    In nylons and garters
    piggy thong for martyrs
    fishnet bacon has no cellulite

    The next time you tickle my fancy
    I'll strike your sweet cheek with a pansy
    I'll nuzzle your neck
    and oh, what the heck
    Please, oh please call me Nancy

    Dear Lord, just what is that smell
    my secretions are starting to jell
    A damp little spot
    Is getting quite hot
    I knew they'd toast weiners in Hell.

    Friday nights used to be fun
    but now the weeks are just done
    By Saturday morn
    I'm feeling forlorn
    And eat chocolate 'til I weigh a ton

    My pants feel awfully tight,
    Just getting them on is a fight
    I shouldn't have eaten
    God Lord, I feel beaten
    but I'm steppin' out for a bite.

    Pink poodles can cause an uproar
    if you let them run wild in a store
    Lay them down for a nap,
    They'll jump up with a yap
    and then knock you down for the score.

    Dogs aren't my favorite I say
    Does the first line describe me? No way!
    In fact, they're quite yummy,
    I'd even say scrummy
    So pass me the hot sauce, Ole`

    You see that I've got you again
    so pour me a drink, I'll say 'when'
    I'll drink 'til you're hot
    even though you are not
    and I'll give you a snog now and then

    The latest in wallflower fashion
    Is to wear a tiara most smashin'
    with hair out to there
    and a ribbon tied -- where?
    And a basket to put all the cash in

    It rained as I blew out the candle
    it poured as I searched for the handle
    I grabbed hold of the glass
    as I spoke to the class
    about the political scandal

    The scandal was rather complex
    Involving no drugs and no sex
    And there was not a peep
    but many secrets to keep
    For Dubya, who some know as "Tex"

    But Bill Clinton sure has his share
    of silky pastel underwear
    But it isn't all his
    you can tell by the jiz
    and the short dark and curly brown hair.

    The ball game was halted by rain
    that rolled in off the coast from Espain
    Derek's balls got all wet
    All three of the set
    If I dry them, d'ya think he'd complain?

    It's foggy and cold in the city
    is that frost growing on my left titty?
    Is my bra made of brass?
    Gee, that's ice on my a$$
    So let's get down to the real knitty gritty!

    One day I felt full of debauchery
    whilst wearing my fine satin lingerie
    But the thing of it was
    (Since sin is as sin does)
    that purple and pink causes gauchery.

    Old Hiram dressed well on the set
    Of the show where he played an ex-vet
    His lepoard-skin coat
    from a patient of note
    was a risk that he wore for a bet.

    Their once was a cat with nine lives
    that gave me a case of the hives
    so revenge I did plot
    and nice it was not
    He's neutered, with seventeen wives

    When the kitty runs past shedding fur
    Watch out for that ol' Raymond Burr
    Who'll pounce on poor kitty
    But then stop short, with pity
    No Burr in the fur equals purr!

    A doggy with fleas cannot scratch
    repeatedly at a bald patch
    that sits on his bum
    until it goes numb
    without infecting the whole batch.

    Mauve monkeys create quite a stir
    but of all the pastels in fur
    one has to concur
    they look rather demure
    wearing ping booties while doing their duties

    A pastor whose thoughts were inscrutable
    But whose faith in the flesh was immutable
    Was caught inflagrante
    With ex-popstar Adam ant
    Whose love he found quite indisputable

    Now on the subject of pop stars
    Madonna and Pink live in box cars
    and as for our Britney
    she's writing a litany
    And here's her paid ticket for Mars.

    We'll all send her off with a bang
    She'll be dressed the same as her gang
    In high heels and stockings
    her boots won't be knocking
    how disappointed we all are-- oh, dang!

    There once was a man from Australia,
    Who planted a hot pink azalea;
    Which started to shrink
    For want of a drink...
    consumed in full-dress regalia.

    It's hotter than hot peppers here,
    so sweaty, my t-shirt looks clear!
    My boobs are afloat
    Folks are starting to note
    as they bob up to meet with my ear.

    The ice in this place is so chilly,
    and I realize this sounds a bit silly
    but as cold as I am,
    I'm craving fried Spam
    served by an ex-pres called Willy,

    Hot doggies can smell up your house
    when they piss on your favorite blouse
    And kitty is obsessed
    with wearing my dress
    and leaving it spattered with mouse.

    I'm only along for the ride
    Said the girl who was sitting inside
    She was sitting in back
    Clinging tight to a sack
    She paid me to go take her to hide

    The sack contained a mystery
    a portal in time through history
    It went to the past,
    when she once had a blast
    scaling cliffs, though the climb made her blistery.

    There once was a young lad named Harry
    whose uncle said, "Boy, never marry!"
    But to his utmost dismay
    He'd married that day,
    his cousin, a sweet girl named Mary.

    When stalking a little red hen,
    A bonnie wee laddie called Ben
    came up with an egg
    Half the size of his leg
    and whipped up an omelette for ten

    The echo poked through my sleep--
    That annoying, repeating beep-beep;
    I wished it would go,
    I'd have paid it some dough,
    To sink into the ocean so deep.

    One day while afloat on the sea
    a giant bird landed on me,
    He sat down for a nap
    Right there on my lap
    And whispered, "We'll see what we see."

    As I ascended to heaven today
    aloft to my home far away
    I looked down on the sinners,
    the drunkards and winners,
    And then said to them "Up, up and away"

    School will be starting real soon,
    and at prices, my wallet will swoon.
    Three hundred dollars or more
    We spent at the store
    between ten o'clock and noon!

    A great horned owl lives in my tree.
    I was underneath it when it started to pee.
    ThreeDog loaned you a tissue,
    And said "This ain't no issue.
    The wildlife and tissue are free."

    Midnight can be quite a bother,
    It's so dark, I can't find my father.
    So I follow the snorring
    Heard over the pouring,
    Of the whisky he hides from my mother.

    Pink piggies can cause a commotion,
    but good Scotch is such a fine potion.
    When drunk by the jug,
    don't swallow the bug!
    Or you'll be needing calomine lotion.

    Good scotch I really do crave
    When riding the crest of a wave
    But if my board fails me,
    and Customs Man jails me
    I guess I'll end up Bubba's slave

    The popsicle gives me brain freeze
    the taste leaves me weak in the knees
    They're really delicious
    In fact, I'm suspicious
    What's the flavor? OH! Carrots and peas!

    There once was a girl from Texas
    Who's power was simply to vex us.
    She sprinkled her posts
    With literary toasts
    'n prose more tangled than a nexus

    The sight turned my stomach to mush
    I mean really, the tail on that tush!
    it hung low in the middle,
    even once played the fiddle
    in a tribute to George W. Bush.

    A hog on a log in a bog
    In the fog looked just like a frog.
    he so loved the wood that he straddled
    when the owl came he didn't skedaddle
    then the hog jumped, ate the owl-- what!

    I have a favorite dish
    it's painted with a fish.
    My kid tried to chip it,
    To smash it, to flip it,
    And now it won't hold my knish!

    I had to move out of my condo
    because of my squeeze, named Rondo
    He'd driven right thorugh it,
    and I couldn't glue it
    Not even with extra-strength Bond-O.

    I wish I had a pickle
    They're what, like a nickel?
    I'd slice it up small,
    green bumps and all
    and then it would my palate tickle.

    A pea in a pod in a pail
    held by golden-haired little girl Gail
    Alliteration she prized
    Correct grammar, despised
    And poetry made our Gail wail.

    Young Malcolm was late for his date
    Too bad, the souflee can't wait
    It softened and sunk
    He swore he'd been punk'd
    As he watched it deflate on his plate.

    I ran to my mailbox today
    To get the shoes I bought on ebay
    I was hoping they'd fit
    But they pinched quite a bit,
    yet I can't quite give them away.

    If ever you find yourself stuck
    Hurting, or down on your luck.
    Just dust off those buns,
    Stick to your guns,
    and grab your self-pity to chuck

    I feel like a coin on its edge
    Without a head or a tail to hedge.
    It's like somebody flipped me,
    As if life somehow gypped me
    but I ain't gonna jump off this ledge.

    My scooter, she stops on a dime
    And her engine is simply sublime
    It's blue like the sea
    Just perfect, like me!
    But she craps out on hills every time.

    In the summertime Johnny picks pears,
    Which is tough in the knickers he wears
    It's not a great job
    for a buck and a bob
    Still, Johnny can pick pears like a sonofabitch.

    clock work9: Just kidding.

    But to Johnny there's naught that compares.

    I've maxed out my Visa again
    for that pool table down in the den.
    Who knew I'd be loosin',
    The wife gave me a bruisin'
    and that eight ball has lost all its zen

    The clouds just flew 'cross the sky
    I looked up, fell back and heaved a great sigh.
    As the sunshine bloomed,
    The sky it consumed,
    'twas really a nuke, exploding sky-high.

    I'm sure I saw Tom Hanks today
    while sailing out on the back bay
    Was he shooting a flick?
    He was holding a ... stick
    Man, he's whacked - I hope he's OK.

    At Starbucks, the queue was so long
    I've just heard the 35th song
    All I wanted was tea
    And a bag of coffee
    But the jerks got my order all wrong.

    It's been a hard day's night
    What they want is love at first sight
    It's the freakiest show
    Baby, this I know
    I love you whether it's wrong or right.

    I should stay away but what can I do?
    She said, "If you come back I'll sue!"
    So I started this poem,
    Hopin' she's knowin'
    I'm not really a boy named Sue.

    When Mikey and Jenny go out
    (As friends, of course) Mikey's a lout,
    With his button down fly
    He's not very shy
    of using his credit card clout.

    I had a very odd nightmare last night
    It began with fall from great height
    I was totally nude
    And such a big prude
    I gave my old neighbour a fright.

    A preacher, a nun and a monk
    Locked a priest inside their car trunk
    Blaspheming the crime
    they swore he'd do time
    But all they heard was a very loud thunk.

    It's National Flugelhorn Day,
    When Flugelhornists gather to play
    They heave and they blow
    And flop to and fro
    and all in a minor key of A

    No sax before a big game
    Really, it's quite a big shame
    Don't suck, don't blow
    Who knows what might grow?
    Hey, who says double entendres are lame?

    Operator, please get me New York
    I can't seem to dial with this fork
    There's no answer at all
    I've been waiting since Fall!
    Ah, hell, it's quicker to walk.

    Operator, please get me New York
    I can't seem to dial with this fork
    There's no answer at all
    I've been waiting since Fall!
    and that editor is being a dork

    I just fell for a publishing scam
    I paid ninety bucks adn then BLAM!
    They promised the moon,
    What a buffon!
    Now who'll buy my book about spam?

    I have me a strange little itch.
    I can't scratch it; it's really a b*tch
    a coathanger unwound,
    can a door jam be found?
    Or is this a curse by a witch?

    Is it true nothing rhymes with orange
    There are no words like lorange or borindge?
    And what about purple?
    Like flurple, and nurple,
    All that's left is unrhymable orange.

    Once Henry had finished his drink,
    And came to the drunkenness brink,
    He fell off his chair,
    then leapt in the air
    and gave us all a wink

    The best way to kill limerick thread
    Is never to post; to assume that it's dead
    Or subjects complex
    Rhymes that do vex,
    Put this limerick thread to bed.

    "Flight one-twenty-five is delayed,"
    said the pilot, and now I'm dismayed.
    I purchased my ticket.
    Now they've told me to stick it.
    (Next they'll tell me my bags are waylaid.)

    I found a surprise in the mail.
    An ant, two cards and a pail,
    a pack of green jello,
    a frog who said hello,
    A computer, a boat, and a sail.

    With Cavendish right by my side
    With Corky, Skip and McBride,
    We skipped to the loo
    It was like a "Who's Who"
    But now we could sure use a ride!

    The fan in my ceiling has paddles.
    Is MM taking the pisch-taddle?
    She's known as a joker
    I say we revoke her
    And then everyone should skedaddle.

    When walking out in the rain
    My knees they gave me a pain
    They buckled, I fell
    (Bad luck, down a well!)
    Guess I won't be walking again

    In a midsummer storm I sat down
    held onto a tree, lest I drown.
    I saw fish pass me by,
    And birds in the sky
    What on earth's going on with my town?

    They tell me I've got scoliosis.
    It's a terribly sad diagnosis.
    If I want clothes to fit
    It costs quite a bit.
    It'd be easier if I'd just caught pertussis.

    My feet are beginning to stink.
    After ten laps round the roller-skate rink
    my armpits are sweating.
    Didn't look, but I'm betting
    that I really could use a big drink.

    My Ibizan Hound is trying to fly
    It's very strange. I don't know why.
    She caught sight of a squirrel,
    that was trying to hurl,
    And promptly took off for the sky

    A kitten the size of Damascus
    (how it got that size, don't even ask us)
    I just changed his litter,
    as the bird started to twitter,
    Now it's time for his Baked Alaskas.

    The movie got two thumbs up,
    But I hope "why" never comes up.
    You see, I was drunk
    And there was this skunk...
    One line each is probably enough!

    My child would only eat porridge
    Better, I guess, than having to forage
    With honey and raisins
    So sweet it was brazen
    Tomorrow I lock the oats up in storage

    The teacher said "It's osmosis,"
    and that's how I caught psittacosis.
    A nasty bacterium,
    I feel a delirium!
    What if it's also tuberculosis!?

    The teacher said "It's osmosis,"
    and that's how I caught psittacosis.
    A nasty bacterium,
    I feel a delirium!
    And I smell rather like halitosis.

    My bottom is feeling quite sore.
    That nob-off was just such a snore!
    My nob and my bottom,
    Are now swathed in cotton.
    Please sir, can I have some more?

    I found kitty litter in my shoe.
    It was used; what should I do?
    I put my foot in,
    It felt like a small pin.
    Thank goodness there was no poo!

    I once stubbed my toe on a hose.
    How on earth, God only knows.
    I swore and I cussed.
    f*** and s*** were a must
    Then with disgust I fell on the rose

    When speaking extempore
    Becomes too much of a chore, hey
    I pull out my notes
    On sheep and on goats
    And I think of my friend Gustav Dore'

    I'm going to sleep in the dingy
    but before that I think I will sing-y
    a lighthearted song
    We can all sing along
    and chant while I'm waving my thing-y.

    Alone on the wide open sea
    It's just ol' Spongebob and me
    I'll sing out, "Ahoy!"
    (So, is that thing a boy?)
    No, Spongebob's a toy, don't you see?

    The Suffragan Bishop of York
    Had to help his boss with a fork
    It weighed a good ton
    And his truss came undone
    He wore it because he's a dork.

    When hustling red beans and rice
    The atmosphere has to be nice
    You will need a stronge breeze
    In case someone should sneeze.
    And knock jamb'laya on scurrying mice

    Sometimes I think I can rhyme
    At least one line at a time
    Oh no, it's line three
    Hang on, whilst I pee.
    I'm only the fourth one in line!

    If I were a bright red pear
    With skin both soft and fair
    I'd throw a party
    With wine and havarti
    And chocolate would crash the affair.

    The tiger was stalking through grass
    Pouncing too soon would be crass
    His prey looked quite yummy
    but smelled a bit rummy
    Marinated? Humph! He decided to pass.

    Finnegan taught me to pray
    But not in the usual way
    Once I bent over
    Oh Lord, was it over
    I landed face down in the hay.

    The cows went out juking last night
    Sad to say it ended with a fight
    One said, "Steers and queers,"
    Shouldn't mix gins and beers
    And I'm sorry to say, they were right!

    A limerick that doesn't scan
    is just like a flash in the pan
    it sits and it founders
    the rhythmless bounders
    Can't scan? Oh man, what's your plan?

    Morning sneaks on little cat feet
    Watching them creep can be such a treat.
    But if you don't see them
    Then how can you free them?
    And that cat without feet isn't sweet

    The bedcovers all in a heap
    The bull*** had gotten so deep.
    I got me a shovel,
    to clean up this hovel.
    From that guy, 'nary a peep!

    There once was a flyin' green toad.
    Who was caught, poached and served a la mode!
    It tasted like chicken
    And was ripe for the pickin'
    right off the asphalted road.

    I have to smoke now or you'll die
    The Surgeon General has told us a lie
    Smokes are for smoking
    And then the docs will be poking
    Heroin too, by the by.

    My RayBans from ebay are fake!
    My Oakleys fell in the lake,
    My Serengetis are cracked
    My Aviators whacked
    My Pradas were smahed by a rake.

    I ran everyone off from this thread
    Maybe they've all gone to bed?
    What on earth did I do?
    Was it me or you?
    Nope - they're having a party with Fred.

    I ran everyone off from this thread
    Maybe they've all gone to bed?
    Or watching TV?
    God I'm lone-ly
    "Single malt scotch is the answer," he said.

    So, how far down did he fall,
    When old Humpty fell off of the wall
    His measuring tape
    Got stuck in his cape
    So the distance would be a tough call.

    It's time for a limerick lesson
    Cut right to the chase, no more messin'
    Get with the beat
    you don't have to cheat
    so there's no need for confessin'.

    A boat and a motor are fun
    Especially when drove by a nun
    her wimple is flaggin'
    her boobies are saggin'
    Don't you love to see nuns on the run?

    If the moon was a great big orange
    Seen over the back door flange
    I'd dance on the grass
    Fall flat on my ***
    and lament that my vision has poor range.

    A typical typist from Tampa
    Took her portable down to the ramp, a
    Plan to catch rays while she worked
    then her right hand jerked
    twas the leash attached to her grampa.

    When visiting the old folks at homne
    I've the implacable urge to roam
    So I borrow the carraige,
    They bought on their marriage
    And wander off to write them a poem.

    When they see their ride's missing they call
    'You can't take that thing to the mall!'
    But Orlando, he's signing!
    All the girls will be pining.
    If I stay home I'll be climbing the wall.

    I driven them all away
    No one at all wants to stay
    Sorry Maggie, been busy!
    Work's made me dizzy
    I'll make it up to you all some day!

    The first line is tricky to write,
    Now that there're TWO limericks in sight.
    If I don't smell the flowers
    The gardener glowers
    And the insects are waiting to bite.

    I stopped to sniff at a rose
    But a bumblebee flew up my nose
    With the bee up my conk
    I gave a great honk
    And blew all the flowers off the rose.

    A duel between Danny and Martin
    got cancelled due to the fartin'
    The smell was repulsive
    My laughs were convulsive
    and amicable was the partin'.

    The Man With No Name is in town
    To take those cattle rustlers down,
    he'll run away giggling
    Though a thought may be niggling
    and he'll leave you wearing a frown.

    Tommy told Mary 'I hate you'
    She's boring, just like a statue
    "you are ever so dull"
    "you talk so much bull"
    Nonetheless, I want to date you

    It was on the 6th of July
    That Mary discovered Tom's lies,
    so she gave him a smile,
    and schemed for a while,
    Before feeding him to bears, oh my!

    I had an audition today
    I had to fight Cassius Clay!
    I started quite well,
    then I tripped and I fell
    I didn't get the job, suffice to say.

    Is Pluto a planet or not?
    In the universe it's just a spot.
    There have always been nine,
    and we think that's fine.
    But plenty of people do not.

    They've cut off my gass supply
    and I honestly don't know why
    I paid off the bill
    man was that a thrill
    Those bastards are sucking me dry!

    How will I cook dinner tonight?
    No gas after the Cassius fight
    Looks like cold cuts again
    Or that old pickled brain,
    and that week-old coca cola lite

    How will I cook dinner tonight?
    No gas after the Cassius fight
    Looks like cold cuts again
    Or that old pickled brain
    Still it's better than Angel Delight. (for the Brits)

    Gah! Die, Godfather, die!!
    That saddle's a bit too fly.
    He posts too quick,
    and my fingers are thick.
    Again, die Godfather, die!!

    No one likes a double dactyl
    They think it's complex like a fractal
    To rhyme dactyl's a b*tch
    It just takes a real witch
    Dactyl, dactyl, dactyl.

    clock work9: (sorry)

    When I stubbed my toe I yelled ****
    The skin peeled back in a flap.
    The blood dripped out
    I staggered about
    F**k, this is worse than the c**p

    Let's give a shout to the 'Father.
    'Cause really, it ain't no bother.
    In one word, I'd say...
    He's cool, f*ckin' A
    We'll work ourselves into a lather.

    K1P1: [only works with a British Accent]

    I once took a bus to Khartoom
    but this guy on the bus when boom.
    There arose such a clatter,
    of this terrorist matter
    Who brought us all to our doom

    At the restaurant I ordered my steak rare
    I didn't know that they only served bear
    But when in Rome
    Pretend you are home
    And eat your chopped parsley with pear.

    "No thank you," was all that she said.
    When our hero asked her to bed
    I'd rather not sleep
    With two pigs and a sheep
    And a straw pillow under my head.

    Once, long ago, in the West,
    there was a man who wore a green vest
    With purple pants
    And red shoes to dance,
    he wouldn't let the cowboys rest.

    I was born in a convoy of trucks
    'cause my mom was down on her luck
    As the highway rolled past
    I grew up real fast
    As a wandering son-of-a-schmuck.

    He auctioned his wife on Ebay
    'Cuz she always had too much to say.
    For a buck forty-four
    She's right out the door
    Thanks to FedEx she's now on her way.

    To frighten some kids on her block
    Old Maggie would don that pink frock
    And dye her hair green,
    then cause SUCH a scene!
    With a red, pink and purple stuffed sock.

    The washing machine ate my sock.
    Man, this whole thing's such a crock!
    I want my sock back
    But the dryer attacked
    Hey, at least it did not eat my smock.

    The washing machine ate my sock.
    Man, this whole thing's such a crock!
    I want my sock back
    But the dryer attacked,
    so I gave it a cinder block.

    One summer day I laughed so hard
    The ref gave me a yellow card
    To head-butt one's chest
    I nearly confessed,
    then knocked out a security guard.

    A footballer's life can be tough
    I go diving on field and in muff
    A concussion, I have
    Perhaps a good salve,
    Would help and also cure dandruff.

    Your dog has just peed on my shoe.
    My heavens, what shall we do?
    I'm soaked to the socks!
    My car's up on blocks
    Thank God he did not let go of his poo.

    Just who will clean up the mess
    I'm gagging, I'll have to confess
    Things sure went awry,
    Like a crazy shrimp fry!
    Not me! I've got on my best dress

    We went to the Friday night fish fry
    Lot's of food, but the keg was bone dry
    We sent out for some more
    But when we got to the store
    Twas locked for the night - did I cry!

    It was a frolicking day at the races
    The horses kicked off all their traces
    When the last race was done
    They sat in the sun
    and poked fun at kids wearing braces.

    The cats in my town are the best
    How dare you say they are a pest?
    They pee in a box
    They steal all my socks!
    And yet through it all I feel blessed.

    A certain young dandy from France
    Tried to put his date in a trance.
    She fretted and screamed
    Not so well, though it seemed
    She just wanted to go to the dance

    Old Oscar he flew through the air
    His butt cheeks attached to a chair
    His aerodynamics
    Matched with skills in ceramics
    Kept his wheel turning til he landed quite square

    One day in the burg of Fenstauntan
    A little girl there, she was tauntin'
    "Nyah, Nyah," she did cry
    as the neighbors did sigh
    and drowned her lil butt in the fountain.

    The pilot swooped in for the kill
    as the enemy crept on the hill
    The plane engine sputtered
    The enemy muttered
    "I wanted the pickle to be dill."

    My desk is covered with paper
    But my workload is starting to taper.
    Just one more stiff drink
    And I'll probaby think,
    I should write a fantasy caper.

    I have a dentist appointment today.
    I think I'll need Novacaine right away.
    Or maybe some gas,
    (not the kind that you pass)
    Man, this just isn't my day.

    My whole upper lip has gone numb,
    And it seems now it's spread to my bum.
    The whiskey is gone,
    It is right close to dawn,
    I'll run down and get me some rum.

    I'm devastatingly shy
    especially when it comes to the guys
    I hide behind trees
    and peek at their knees
    and wonder how Venus trapped flies

    Sinatra, while playing the Sands,
    Got groped by a guy with big hands!
    He said, "what the hey!
    It's your big day!"
    Let's go check out the big bands.

    There once was a tailor from Amherst
    Who in fitting and tucking was well versed
    but demanded a man,
    one in each hand
    and insisted on driving a hearse.

    My computer is so very slow.
    A vein in my head's gonna blow!
    So hand me a clip
    And I'll wipe out that drip
    And pack that ol' vein full of snow.

    Young Johnny got lost at the dance,
    and after a while, he lost his pants.
    'Course no one did notice,
    'Cept gimply-leg Otis
    Who stared till he fell in a trance !

    Young Johnny got lost at the dance,
    and after a while, he lost his pants.
    'Course no one did notice,
    'Cept gimpy leg Otis
    Who made some unusual demands.

    I need a new green lacey bra,
    to send to a man who says 'caw'.
    His skivvies are rotten
    They're made from poor cotton
    He'd rather have silkies to paw

    "Up there in the sky it's bright pink
    But down here its claim is brown mink"
    is a hard coup' to follow
    My stomach feels hollow
    But hunger is making me think

    While baking a batch of canolis
    with jalapenos stuffed in the holeys
    I started to sneeze,
    the pastries got squeezed,
    So we gave out free to the goalies.

    While baking a batch of canolis
    with jalapenos stuffed in the holeys,
    I tripped on my basil,
    The world went all hazel
    And I screamed out real loud "Holy molies!"

    A centenarian witch
    pulled off a bit of a switch
    While donning a frock
    the color of chalk
    She passed her time scratching an itch.

    A centenarian witch
    pulled off a bit of a switch
    She swept with her broom
    instead of going zoom
    And became an expert at cross stitch.

    Let's just consolidate, shall we?
    'Fore this limerick flood hits a wall, see?
    Our poetry can blend,
    Our heads, they can mend.
    But not U's cause she's one hundred and three.

    So let me step out for a beer
    and then I'll let out a big cheer!
    I'll sing and dance,
    take a belligerent stance
    and probably pass out, I fear.

    If haikus and limericks fought
    (I think) It would all be for nought.
    The puns would butt in
    Common sense would wear thin
    and yet we won't do as we ought.

    When putting it up for the night
    one resists the strong urge to fight.
    Instead one will stroke
    and forgo the poke
    And then pray the thing stays out of sight.

    The once was a cat from Gibralter
    who wouldn't wear his ill-fitting halter
    He flopped on the groun'
    And said with a frown
    "Just wait 'til I get out of this, Walter!'

    The chickens, the pigs, and the goats,
    Had a race one day in their boats;
    They arrived on the shore
    And argued the score
    while away the trophy did float.

    There once was a pretty girl from clare,
    who was tragically lacking in hair
    she was bald as an egg
    Just two hairs on her leg
    but she was sexy so we didn't care.

    At the plant we finish at three
    we work in pajamas, you see
    There all green and blue
    and covered in goo,
    And there's a hole in this here one, see?

    I got all hot and sweaty today.
    Began to unsteadily sway
    Thank goodness my daughter
    Brought me some water
    Too bad she forced me to pay.

    I once met a hedgehog named Fred
    who wouldn't get out of my bed
    I couldn't protest
    'tho I needed some rest
    It's my fault we'd decided to wed.

    My new computer is frustrating me.
    I need to turn off all that cr*p don't you see?
    Microsoft is a menace
    Worse than little Dennis.
    Got to rid myself of McAfee!

    My keyboard is causing me fits
    I've taken the darned thing to bits.
    The F key keeps jammin'
    No delete for the spammin'
    And the tech support guys are just g*ts.

    Computers are all fine and dandy
    I've got one here I named Randy
    But when they make trouble
    My frustration, it doubles!
    And a hammer comes in quite handy.

    I'm trying to make it to Friday
    Of all the weekdays, that's my day
    When I hit mid-week
    My bones start to creak
    Until I realize it's blueberry pie day.

    There once was a girl with an ostrich
    She stapled its beak with a Bostich
    In a wild fit of pique
    She dammed up the creek
    Which totally flooded Pt Fosdick

    Stuck in my molar is a Dorito
    I think I would prefer a Frito
    It's lodged so deep
    I'll take a great leap
    And crack open my head, oh Neato!

    I'm typing and I can't shut up.
    The words are just nonsense and cr*p
    I'm singing a song,
    and carrying on
    They should make me pee in a cup.

    A maple, a pine, and an oak
    Went outside to smoke.
    They hid in the grass
    Wishing time to pass
    til one of them told a joke

    Everybody look at that ugly dog,
    is it his face or is it a frog?
    It's so hard to tell
    (and it's starting to smell)
    Like some filthy, hot, greenish, old bog.

    I just saddled up my new Ostrich,
    In the wake of my poor pitcher's lost pitch.
    There was a hole in his glove
    The ball came from above
    And the umpire cursed that his boss itched!

    I just saddled up my new Ostrich
    In the wake of my poor pitcher's lost pitch.
    There was a hole in his glove
    The ball came from above
    And the ball's hitting the bird was a small glitch.

    My computer's a bit complicated.
    Its hunger for RAM is unsated
    it's got seven screens
    a new virus, it seems
    And Bill Gates is now very hated.

    I'm hungry for donuts and such.
    I really don't ask very much.
    Just danish and scones
    While I yap on the phone
    And a piece of apple pie, dutch.

    I'm up past my bedtime again.
    This forum hijacks my pen.
    Dawn, she's a comin'
    That rooster's already hummin'.
    And we're stuck with the rain once again

    The harridan flies through the night
    A frightening but interesting sight;
    Her eyes are sheathed
    Her claws are bequeathed
    So she hangs on to her GPS system real tight.

    My daughter's out hunting for quail
    With Cheney, who said he'd prevail
    He stuck in his thumb
    But he pulled out a gun
    And said, "I hear Walmart's having a sale."

    At the thrift store the junk piles up
    Ugly paintings and grubby old cups
    Smudged vases with doves
    And long single gloves
    And a spaniel with 12 litle pups!

    I missing a whole bunch of poets
    Maggie, please, don't you know it's
    Getting real late
    I've lots on my plate
    That'll teach you to try and rhyme 'poets.'

    I've murdered a hooker again
    It always leaves such a bad stain
    so it's out with the grinder
    using egg as a binder
    Those meat pies have been much too plain!

    I always take mustard with meat
    I like my food with lots of heat
    Paprika and curry
    my vision's all blurry
    It's all been one h*ll of a treat!

    I hop, skip and jump to the bank
    I'll give those tellers a spank
    they'll call the cops,
    (two tickets, tops!)
    And I'll think up a new prank.

    I've been working on this query,
    and I'm getting a bit weary.
    I'll write to Miss Snark,
    Oh, just for a lark,
    And she'll say "What a dork, your poor deary."

    Someone licked my back today,
    Who it was I can not say,
    but I found it enticing,
    like a cake with great icing,
    Plus, my mole has gone away.

    My office walls are yellow-ish
    because my roomie fries fish.
    He went out for a salmon,
    While I was a-spammin'
    Turns out he's got a fish fetish.

    When I was a gay young lass
    I decided to tatoo my *ss
    with a classical photo
    black and white Quasimoto
    But some people think that it's crass!

    My espresso machine's on the blink
    So I made my coffee in the sink
    Frothy soap bubbles
    Steamed milk has troubles!
    Is this stuff supposed to be pink?

    My foot fell asleep just right now
    And all Ic an wonder is how
    I'm doing my shimmies
    From my hips to my chinnie
    Oh Gawd, I look like a cow !

    There's taffy stuck on my shoe.
    I'm just lucky it isn't dog poo.
    It's stretchy and pink
    And it doesn't stink
    I wonder if it's still good to chew?

    The fishies are all at the lake
    Contemplating a summer fish bake
    They don't want to be done
    Rathered roast in the sun
    So they chipped in for take-out of snake.

    What happened to all of the peeps?
    Those yellow marshmallowey creeps.
    So squishy and soft
    Hold toothpicks aloft
    In microwave dueling for keeps.

    A cuckoo bird once laid an egg.
    I added brandy, milk, nutmeg.
    Some sugar and 'nilla
    I got from the villa
    Voila--Eggnog! Please have a peg.

    I can't get my kid to eat spinach
    He says it makes his skin itch
    It sticks in his teeth
    On top and beneath
    And his braces make it a twin b*tch

    My computer cables are snarled
    And my boss and I quarreled
    The inkjet is dry
    Expense is sky high
    This is the worst job in the world

    I hope for a bright sunny morning
    but so far the day ain't conforming
    it's foggy and grey
    And too cold to play
    I'm afraid that it's gonna start storming

    Oh hurricane winds are the worst
    They play havoc with stuffing my wurst.
    Sausage plus weather
    Glad I wear leather
    Vinyl casings have been known to burst.

    If tonight is the end of the world
    By fate eschatologically hurled,
    i will kill lots of folk
    and call it a joke
    And end my day fetally curled.

    The poets were all talking shop
    on how to avoid writing slop,
    caused devastation
    and the slam turned into a flop.

    The lights twinkle brightly at night
    Every one a gem of delight
    and the rocket's red glare
    makes me not even care
    Though my pulse rate perks up at the sight.

    CC left without a first line
    but poets won't stop with a whine
    We'll cry and we'll moan
    We'll ring on the phone
    and if you don't like it, then fine!

    We're taking next Saturay off
    Whatever you do, please don't scoff
    We'll lie late in bed
    And sleep like the dead
    Then wake with that horrid smoker's cough.

    I'm making a serial killer.
    He's sitting just now at the tiller
    with a hate and a pipe
    and a pack of Steri-wipes,
    all I need now is some filler.

    I pulled on a thread of my sweater
    That sure didn't make it look better
    Once unravelling starts,
    I'll be breaking hearts
    And as red as an Irish setter

    The pelican said to the stork
    I'm not sure this plan's going to work
    If I scoop up that water
    I'll be dropping their daughter
    And she won't like being stuck with a fork.

    I'm in love with an old sofa cushion.
    It's utterly perfect for mushin'
    It's soft and it's furry
    A great place to eat curry
    And best of all: puttin' my tush in.

    The crazy Malaysian Prime Minister
    Was up to his tricks, oh so sinister
    He cornered the market
    But said "Oh, fark it,
    "Hey, Kim Jong Il, you got a sister...?"

    My fish tank has never been cleaned
    Though I vacuum and dust like a fiend.
    Them fishies keep a'poopin'.
    The pond weed is droopin'.
    And the fish all need to be preened.

    I have a Roget's Thesarus
    My readers kept saying "You bore us."
    They wanted some words,
    Not these same dusty turds
    And that was the end for old Horace.

    The bird was a twittering wren
    When she noticed that old tomcat, Ben.
    Ben was too slow
    To strike from below
    So he jumped from the top of the pen.

    The rug has a big nasty spot.
    I've tried to clean it a lot.
    It's getting threadbare
    The longer I stare
    but cleaning up dog doo, I'm not.

    The plumber went out for a ride
    'cause his wife was huntin' his hide!
    She looked high and low
    and what do you know
    She found him breaded and fried!

    It's a horrible day for a bride.
    It's rainy and windy outside
    The men will wear kilts
    While walking on stilts
    And the bridesmaids are trying to hide.

    A frolicking Nubian goat
    Discovered a frog in his throat
    He went for a drink
    The frog raised a stink
    So the goat spit him back in the moat.

    While racing when close to the edge
    It's best to have prayers you can pledge.
    In case you should fall,
    Or smack into the wall.
    At least you won't trip off the ledge.

    I have a long car ride tomorrow
    A friend has some tapes I can borrow
    I'll hit Route 66
    pick up some chicks
    Probably much to their sorrow!

    The mice they run wild in my basement.
    They open the windows, the casements.
    They whirl through the drains
    and leave nasty stains.
    Aw crap! So that's where My Space went!

    In my shoulder, there lives a great kink.
    I threw it out cleaning the sink.
    I suffer the pain,
    Hope aspirin, to gain.
    And soon I'll be back in the pink.

    Unique: (ew)

    There is an old duffer up stream
    Who has this fantastical dream
    Eighteen holes in one
    'cause it's never been done
    A superlative vision, supreme.

    He's digging to China with a spoon
    What's he doing the crazy old loon?
    Seems he doesn't know
    The deeper you go
    The further you get from the moon.

    He's digging to China with a spoon
    What's he doing the crazy old look?
    Seems he doesn't know
    The quickest way to go
    Is to fly on the back of a goon

    When it comes to old William Shatner
    You've got to use booze as a fattener
    His uniform's tight
    And it's a real fight
    Even using a girdle as battener.

    I love to eat pizza with lettuce
    It's better than the slop the school fed us
    It tastes great with gin
    From the old discount bin
    And we'll drink it as fast as they let us!

    The evening's a total disaster.
    Even Twister I simply can't master.
    I stretch and I squirm
    (Why don't I learn?)
    Writing poems will get me girls faster

    The lazy dog lies in the road
    Making the semi shed its load
    It swerves to one side
    And the doors open wide
    Exposing two cats and a toad.

    When walking down Manchester Quay,
    a duck in a tux, I did see.
    On the quay he quite quacked
    a full aria, the hack,
    Then flung himself into the sea.

    The marchioness spotted a shrike
    while cruising along on her bike
    Oh deah, what is that?
    She said (as her hat
    got caught on a fast-passing spike)

    A mockingbird started to twitter
    at cinnamon on apple fritter
    But no sugar appeared--
    Which made it taste weird
    Tart and surprisingly bitter.

    I think someone else should start it
    the last time I tried it just farted.
    With slimeball rhymes
    that weren't worth dimes.
    I sat and I cried,
    you thought that it died
    but really! I told you it farted!

    Serena Casey: What's this? A mutant limerick?

    A yak jumped his pen at the zoo
    "They never clean up all the poo!"
    He ran to the park
    and boarded an ark
    Then asked, "Can my girlfriend come too?"

    The boardwalk climbed up to the sky
    At the top was that guy, Bill Nye
    Ready to throw
    A TV down below
    But his camera man was too shy.

    This thread has been dead long enough
    but making a rhyme's really tough
    The thread's not to blame
    It shouldn't feel shame
    Let's exercise to make it real buff.

    O where are the limericks of yore?
    The ones that weren't such a bore?
    So quaint and so witty
    It is such a pity
    We don't see those gems anymore.

    The weekend is over already.
    Ah those days, so thick and so heady.
    But it's always too short
    And I'm heard to retort
    For another two days I am ready!

    The coins clinked into a basket
    He was on his way to Nantasket
    The weather was cold
    His jacket was old
    And his Volkswagen felt like a casket

    Her imperious look left him cold
    He felt ugly, a little too old.
    But his Saville Row suit
    And his big wad of loot
    Made him finish right there in the gold.

    The chicken would never have crossed
    If the egg had not gotten lost.
    Was the rooster at fault?
    Did he use too much salt?
    'Cause the egg he immdiately tossed.

    I think I might have the flu,
    Chocolate pancakes - I'm gonna spew.
    my fever is rising
    Which isn't surprising
    Do I need one asprin or two?

    Thanksgiving is Monday, you see,
    But those to the south don't agree!
    The equator flips
    And rotates the ships
    And roast turkey falls into the sea!

    I wager a hat 'gainst a crown
    he's wearing little more than a frown
    The emperor he ain't,
    Not even a saint!
    But his feet are fit for a clown.

    The party took off for the beach
    In a car shaped oddly like a peach
    The tires were prunes,
    Skimming over the dunes
    And halted at last with a screech

    Another limerick got left in the lurch.
    But our poetry we can't besmirch
    It's silly and fun,
    Less harm than a gun,
    And I like to read it in church.

    Another limerick got left in the lurch.
    But our poetry we can't besmirch
    It's silly and fun
    But it's better than none
    But please don't read it in church!

    Don't make me do two, oh my brain!
    All these rules! Oh, my God, what a pain!
    Do syllables matter?
    They clash with a clatter!
    All this thinking, it makes me insane!

    The ogre had stopped for a bite -
    When the Great Pumpkin gave him a fright!
    Indigestion I fear
    Will put hair on my rear
    And that simply would not be right

    When did ogres and gnolls disappear
    Then All Hallows is practically here.
    The sound of a screech,
    The squelch of old peach
    As you step and fall on your rear.

    There once was a girl from New Orleans
    who subsisted on rice and red beans.
    They called her a Tart,
    But she was so smart
    She could dress all the dogs in old blue jeans.

    I'm taking a slow boat to China
    Where I hope to train my pet myna
    She's dark as a raven
    Her deportment craven
    And she blows a horn 'cause she thinks she's Dinah.

    There's a horrible thing about limericks
    Rhyme and meter comprise such a strange mix
    There's short lines and long
    But it's hard to go wrong
    If it happens to scan, we do get our kicks!

    A timid and nervous young writer
    Was afraid that a spider might bite her.
    She wore a hazmat suit
    And smoked a cheroot
    That she lit with a dented gold lighter.

    The seasons are changing, alas!
    The leaves are as crisp as the grass.
    It's crispy and brown
    Great to scuff on the groun'
    but be careful you don't bustyer*ss.

    Autumn harvest, a great time of year -
    If the tractor will just go in gear.
    There's rocks in the beans,
    Candy corn in my jeans,
    And the pumpkins are rotting... Oh dear!

    The leaves in the lane have turned red
    When they fall they stick to my head
    The wind makes a snarl
    As I roll in the marl ....
    Now I've leaves, dirt and rocks in my bed.

    Detroit has a long row to hoe.
    It's a bugger to move all that snow
    There's a chair in my space,
    Graffitti I cannot erase,
    And my battery's dead, don't ya know.

    If I were George W. Bush
    I'd surely get kicked in my tush
    The people are mad
    When you're gone they'll be glad
    Let's hope you go out with a Whoosh!

    When I woke up this morning I saw
    A crowbar, two screws and a claw.
    I had been on this date,
    And was out way too late
    But at least, I've no mother-in-law!

    This old body of mine's gone decrepit
    A young one - I wish I'd have kept-it.
    With all parts you see
    So smooth, wrinkle-free
    but my legs still work so I shlepp it.

    We have winter's nip in the air
    Go outside barefoot, if you dare!
    No shoes and no socks,
    Cover those buttocks!
    They'll call Police this time, I swear.

    With Halloween just 'round the bend
    Do you have a costume to lend?
    I'm short a pitchfork,
    But the gin I'll uncork
    And the Devil to the end I'll defend.

    Football is okay, I guess
    Today's rain will make it a mess
    the guys get all wet
    It's too cold to sweat
    And it's the beer that I like, I confess!

    If everyone tries really hard
    We can actually clean up the yard
    But I'd rather just watch
    And sip on my scotch
    While I slowly turn into lard.

    I guess I should water my plants
    The drops on the leaves they will dance
    The mites will retreat
    Without missing a beat
    But against frost there is no insurance

    The doctors and lawyers got wrecked.
    They flirted too much and got decked.
    Now what will we do
    with no one to sue?
    We shall turn to the ones
    with lots of funds
    And take it away, I expect.

    Pthom: another mutant

    I came, and I saw, and I fell
    Headfirst down a wishing well
    I'm so cold and wet
    It's got me upset
    'Cause my Pampers are starting to swell.

    There once was a writer from D.C.
    Whose main correspondant was P.B
    Whom didn't know if it were a he or she
    but thought she'd just let it be
    because the card said, 'Get out of jail free'.

    When performing incredible feats
    It's important to stock up good eats!
    Comfort food is the best,
    Carbs packed for the test
    Or bags of Halloween treats!

    Fall is my favorite time of the year, up here!
    It goes so good with the beer, my dear
    And pretzels with mustard
    A shiny beaked bustard
    To keep us all in the clear, no fear!

    Spiced Indian food is the best --
    A powerful palatal test.
    it goes well with beer
    and a bit of cool kheer
    and Rolaids to give it a rest.

    Ol' Kevin's a slippery fish
    More appealing when served on a dish.
    Choose from filet of fin,
    or crispy fried skin,
    But grilled gill I am told is de-lish!

    We're three days away from election,
    Will the liars escape our detection?
    One more ad campaign,
    Will drive me insane
    "T'row da bums out!" I say 'pon reflection.

    I went out to feed my pet wombat
    That dances around with my tomcat.
    In mid-pirouette,
    He mewed a soubriquette
    So I joined dressed in tails and a tophat!

    I flew to the Moon on a Monday,
    With green cheese it will sure be a fun day
    with a half bag of crackers
    left here by some hackers,
    but no juice cuz we don't want a run day.

    Unique: get what ya get, slackers

    Today is the day for the vote.
    But I'd rather be paddling the moat.
    If I can't get elected,
    To stop those who wrecked it,
    At least I can rock on the boat

    If politics makes your head spin
    vote 'other' for a new win.
    Or avoid altogether,
    those birds of a feather
    And cast all your votes in the trash bin. (Not!)

    The pols like bad weather you see,
    It enhances their humility
    But their arrogant thunder
    exposes their blunder
    They don't seem very clever to me.

    Politics makes me feel sick.
    It began with that guy Tricky Dick.
    His five o'clock shadow
    didn't play well in Caddo
    Though he tried, he wasn't so slick.

    In the Autumn the rains pour down
    Who'll save the puppies, they'll drown!
    If we toss them a rake,
    they can build us a lake
    And control all the water in town.

    The old Jabberwocky is dead!
    Replaced by a beagle named Fred
    With a chase of his tail,
    He fell on a nail
    Impaling both ears and his head.

    A mystic looked into her tea,
    Oh my goodness! Look what I see...
    The moat is aflame
    And that damned dog's to blame
    I swear it was Haggis, not me!

    The election was down to the wire
    The ballot box burst into fire
    Spontaneous combustion
    From all the pols fustian
    yet still no one called him a liar.

    The campaign was jolly good fun
    'Cuz thirteen decided to run.
    They had 'em a quorum,
    With champagne by jorum,
    Who was sober by night? Not a one!

    Yes I jolly well do think it's so
    I'll tell you as much as I know
    The Purple Pajandrum
    threw a pink tantrum
    and ended up having t'eat crow.

    The last grass stains of the season
    Are on your butt for a reason
    You lounged on the ground
    When you should have been found
    Now the pollen has got you a-sneezin'.

    I probably should go rake the yard
    it really won't be all that hard.
    The wind is not blowing,
    and once it stops snowing
    I'll make a big pile to be charred.

    Our power has been oh, so, fickle,
    But charges mount up, nickel by nickel.
    the bill hit 20 grand
    So I took a stand
    Made a battery from a dill pickle.

    Oh, when I remember the turkey
    It makes my breath come all jerky.
    The cranberry sauce,
    I spilled on my boss--
    But alcohol will make memories murky.

    The turkey is still frozen solid
    And the dining room still looks quite squalid
    With peas on the floor,
    And folks at the door,
    Whoever invented this hollid

    Ay? Belongs in the previous poem
    'Cause I ran out of roem,
    but never to fear
    ThreeDogPeople is here,
    And the teeth are still in the coem.

    ThreeDogPeople augmented by one,
    Adds a fourth to the Beggin Strips run.
    But out she's not going,
    Until I am knowing,
    Should we serve them up raw or well done?

    Oh, darling please turn up the heat,
    whilst we talk of our voyage to Crete.
    The mem'ries are warm,
    But the skeeters did swarm,
    A trip I'd prefer not to repeat.

    Oh say do you see over there?
    Across the fields, in the home they share.
    This rhyme is off meter,
    Quit beating on peter.
    Unique, stop acting like you really care!

    threedogpeople: >>>>>>>>grin<<<<<<<

    There's a foot of new snow on the ground.
    I love it, it muffles the sound,
    Of a dandelion ghost
    Or a damp piece of toast
    And the murderers stomping around.

    Peanut butter is so good on toast
    it's a little bit hard not to boast
    But I'm the Toast Queen,
    Best there's ever been,
    From the Alps clear down to the coast!

    Oh, where is the little red wagon?
    It's here, and looks like it's draggin'
    with a short-block blown hemi
    and a shot of cold Remy
    I'd push it, but baby, I'm flaggin'.

    Now the Remy tastes good warm or cold
    And I'm up for the best Cuervo Gold.
    But I'd rather drink rye,
    So here's mud in your eye!
    And a toast to Genevieve Bujold!

    We've arrived at the last of November,
    It's enough to freeze off your member!
    So be a reformer
    Don your best willie warmer
    And wear it thru the ides of December!

    The joy of the limerick's not lost,
    E'en though in the winter, the frost
    can freeze up the bum ---
    Sugar cookies! YUM! ---
    Chill blains are one hell of a cost!

    The old NaNoWriMo's a challenge
    But every November our ink pens
    run out of ink
    before we can blink
    And suddenly...we're at the end.

    The holidays are fast approaching
    and Nick's on the scene with some coaching.
    I'm behind on the shopping,
    ice makes for tough stopping
    and shopping's a subject worth broaching.

    Santa gave me a loaded gift card.
    What to buy? The decision is hard.
    I want this and that
    but I need a new hat
    A pillbox of fake le-o-pard

    Now I know I have been very naughty,
    I dropped my cell phone in the potty,
    It went down with a flush,
    then came back in a gush,
    And now the loo floor is all grotty.

    Whenever I turn off the light
    to enjoy the sky in the night
    I feel panic (and) fear
    at the sounds that I hear,
    And the reindeer that glimmer and bite!

    Is that Santa's sleigh that I hear?
    Surely he'll be drawing near.
    With Rudolph's nose glowing,
    And Pinnochio's growing
    It's a Disney movie, I fear!

    The lights are a-twinkling at home,
    But it's snowing from Skagway to Nome.
    While in Cincinnati
    The sleet's got me scatty.
    Can anyone loan me their phone?

    Can you erase being naughty, not nice,
    If you did it more times than just twice?
    Turn counterclockwise
    With your hands on your thighs,
    And laugh maniacally thrice.

    I've just jumped off of a cliff.
    No fanfare; not even a riff.
    I'm flying so free-
    Now, what do I see?
    Two buzzards who're having a tiff!

    I hit with a horrible splat!
    Some yelled out, "What was that?"
    And there on the poop deck,
    A disgusting squished speck
    Oh my, that fat splat was a cat.

    My cat is extre-mely fat,
    from dining on slow-roasted rat
    He can't lie on his stomach.
    That sizeable hummock
    Squishes out to both sides when he's flat.

    The tiger has stripes up and down
    mostly orange and yellow and brown
    He lurks in the grass
    so he can harass
    All the folks who stroll by with a frown.

    The moon sets mysteriously
    Out by the wysteria, see.
    It used to go down
    but when you are around
    it causes the **** thing to flee!

    Our Spooky's a funny old ghost,
    Who's been living on mothballs and toast.
    He comes out to play
    almost every day
    'specially when there's Haggis to roast.

    My daughter's out late once again.
    I'd rather not guess where she's been!
    Or where she might go
    And it's started to snow!
    I guess I'm an old mother hen.

    The hotel detective was mad
    The deskclerk was also a cad.
    They bounded upstairs
    with curses and glares
    And did something really quite bad!

    I wish I had a steak for my dinner
    But I'm supposed to be getting thinner
    So I'll stake some tomatoes,
    Forgo mashed potatoes
    And finally feel like a winner.

    I wish I could get this article written
    but by the AW bug I been bitten
    Too bad it doesn't pay
    I'd make more in a day
    Than in the whole year I been gittin'.

    We need a new line to start off with
    Something sturdy and comic but lithe
    with pronunciation,
    And action that's prob'ly a myth!

    A harassed and busy young writer
    Had a nice cold bev'rage beside her
    With remarkable ease
    She just jacked up her fees,
    Said, I'm so glad this whiskey's not cider!

    Oh! The spam and the pop-ups are awful!
    And my ad-catcher's gathered a pawful.
    But what do I do?
    I get into a stew
    and then I end up with a bra full.

    The old man was a failed gigolo
    His instrument of choice was the Piccolo
    He tootled a song
    while schlepping his schlong
    Lamenting his aged libido.

    My tongue got all twisted today,
    When I invited a friend out to play.
    It just could have been
    That I wanted to sing
    so he offered a roll in the hay.

    The critters were all fast alseep
    so I tried not to make a peep.
    I tiptoed around,
    but didn't look at the ground,
    And fell on my rump in a heap.

    there is a strange pot of stew on the stove
    it smells of yak and dirty boiled clothes
    but the in-laws are coming
    and something this cunning
    will work when I douse it with clove.

    I made a nutless brittle last night
    I'm hoping I did it just right
    It's a gift for dclary
    I know he's not sharing
    He ate the whole thing in one bite!

    tonight with my pork and potatoes
    zuchini and rotten tomatoes
    I know it sounds gross
    but a touch of sucrose
    then it's the opposite of alfredo

    The sign said they could absolve my sin
    of messing up the meter of a limerick while in
    but the sign, it did lie
    now the kitty must dye
    a horsehair shirt for me to live in

    A writer in search of an agent
    Asked a good friend (a sage gent)
    To help him get published
    and avoid PA's rubbish
    Or his nose would get bent.

    The life of a writer is to die for,
    But the pay rate is hardly to sigh for.
    And as for the fame,
    There is no one to blame.
    All those flashes would have just made your eyes sore.

    There's mistletoe stuck in my hair!
    But darlin', you needn't dispair.
    Just give it a yank,
    Three tugs and a crank
    And to the boudoir we'll repair!

    Last Christmas my wife gave me gloves.
    They're great little hammocks for doves.
    They sit there and coo,
    Their crap makes me blue.
    (The doves, not the gloves, gods above!)

    A haiku has only three lines
    the hai, the ku, an absence of rhymes.
    Metaphysical thoughts,
    Like dregs in teapots
    or the fragrance of heady red wines

    There's a fly in my soup,' said the waiter
    It's the waitress's fault and I hate 'er
    she doesn't take care
    and I'll bet theres a hair
    In a place where the chef hid the beater.

    There's a fly in your soup,' said the waiter
    "It's the waitress's fault, and I hate 'er!
    With her large, vacant grin,
    And the drool on her chin,
    I won't be back there sooner or later!

    In the deepest dark night in the winter
    twas so cold I felt my teeth splinter
    With ice on my nose,
    and frostbitten toes,
    "Frosted!" said I to my hair tinter.

    I ran up the steps of the courthouse,
    To plead for the very last lab mouse.
    Its reprieve secured,
    You may rest assured,
    So we can go out and carouse!

    A hedgehog has very sharp quills
    And his vice a rather sharp shrill
    If you try to pet it
    you'll live to regret it,
    But I heard they taste good on the grill.

    Santa fell out of his sleigh
    Causing one reindeer to say
    Stop drinking that Egg Nog
    You'll end up on Raed's blog
    A bad way to spend Christmas Day!

    On Christmas I bought a pet parrot
    not thinking, I gave him a carrot.
    Now orange goo he has spewed,
    And his talk has turned lewd,
    So I'll trade him in for a ferret.

    The silvery ring round the moon
    Il augmente le beau clair de lune.
    Si le ciele a tombe
    la lune aurait certainement flambee
    Et tout le monde aurait toujours plus jeune.

    K1P1: [sorry - can't remember my verb endings for 3rd person plural (or would "tout" be a collective noun taking the singular?)]

    The reindeer are going on strike.
    And first on the line is old Spike.
    He's Rudolf's third cousin,
    And talks ten to the dozen
    he's the one on the blue boys bike.

    If you give them an increase of fodder
    And harness repaired with hard solder
    And Christmas Day off
    Their antlers they'd doff
    And then they would act even odder.

    How did the Partridge get in the tree?
    Why do the French Hens number just three?
    Maybe French Toast instead
    and gold rings made of bread
    Which the Lords fed Ladies for free!

    When the drummers and the pipers were through
    there wasn't much more they could do.
    They gathered their gear,
    And stole half the beer!
    Then laughed when we all cried, "boo hoo".

    I asked for a day without in-laws:
    I would rather go dancing with chain saws!
    but my Christmas wish,
    Is for expensive smoked fish
    and a hug from my cat (minus claws).

    I once got a little red trike
    which I rode on the top of the dyke
    I drove it quite fast
    And all whom I passed
    said, "look at the tyke on the bike"!

    I said, "I've been naughty this year"
    Santa quipped, "No problem my dear...
    Tugged open his sack,
    And pulled out a rack
    And said, 'Now you're truly a deer'.

    It was raining so early this morning
    My cheeks the raindrops were adorning
    I don't mind the wet
    or how soggy I get
    but the lack of significant warning.

    Kung Fu sensei said, "Grasshopper,
    When your robe is untied, its improper
    to show us your wares
    Well, quite frankly, it scares
    If you snatch at this pebble, you'll drop 'er!

    A wily young youth from the Arctic
    While trying to write with our Bart's Bic
    got ink on his thumb
    while drinking his rum,
    and found his thumb painting cathartic.

    The governor's ugly vernacular
    Is usually far from spectacular.
    "'Dem bastards," he drawls,
    and more colorful calls,
    end up as verbal ejacular.

    Unique: (okay - so it's not an English word - sue me)

    Old Roy took his date to the park
    and was shocked when she started to bark
    The full moon in the sky
    was making her high
    or was it the hash (question mark)

    If you ever encounter a gnu
    Don't confuse it with Spiro Agnew.
    While one's kin to a yak
    And the other's a hack,
    Only gnus can be turned into glue.

    A poet I certainly aren't,
    Although I try to stay current
    with new words like "blog"
    My head's in a fog
    And I feel like a total obdurant.

    The words I like best always rhyme
    Which is why need to take time
    To rhyme words like “angst.”
    Such impossible pranks
    makes limerick killing a crime.

    What are you making for dinner
    No doubt it won't make me thinner
    But what's fat for some
    Is bliss for the dumb,
    but if it tastes good it's a winner!

    It's forty-five minutes 'til time
    to finish this limerick rhyme
    The clock, it is ticking
    My mind, it is sticking
    Thinking's like sucking a lime.

    The year has begun with a bang,
    thus started the cycle of yang.
    But yin is still missing,
    the past, it's french kissing,
    And the Fat Lady already sang.

    Hark to the sound of the rooster,
    he's a V-Garden serial booster.
    His pecker is sharp,
    E'er he plucketh the harp
    and is published by Simon & Schuster.

    Hark to the sound of the rooster,
    he's a V-Garden serial booster.
    His pecker is sharp,
    E'er he plucketh the harp
    like goggle-eyed old Bertie Wooster

    Hark to the sound of the rooster,
    he's a V-Garden serial booster.
    His pecker is sharp,
    E'er he plucketh the harp,
    He's brained by Holly the Hoosier!

    The gigolo hung out his shingle,
    and wondered which berries he'd dingle,
    when Flumpy the Flenzer
    lost his big Pez dispenser
    He teased with a big can of Pringles.

    Bill buffalo's kids ran amuck,
    in Bill Bigsby's bigamy truck.
    They babbled and bubbled,
    The driver was troubled,
    but anyway, who gives a fig.

    The chimpanzee managed the pitch
    Despite an unreachable itch.
    The elephant doubled,
    the drover was troubled
    And the rhino was stuck in the ditch.

    I stepped on an earthworm one day,
    it wouldn't move out of my way
    And just 'fore it squished
    With its last breath it wished
    for one final roll in the hay.

    The girlfriend, the goat and the jinn
    All shared a room at the Inn.
    Who bellowed "Touche"?
    while scorching the hay,
    And inciting the others to sin?

    There's a scorpion under that rock!
    It stung me and gave me a shock.
    I blustered with venom:
    You stung through my denim!
    But that's better than stinging my...sock.

    My feet were smelly one day,
    So I got out the Lysol Spray.
    With a spritz of fresh pine,
    Off my feet you could dine
    If your dinner includes Fri-toe-lay

    With two thousand bills in my purse,
    I ordered a gin sling to nurse.
    Before I was through,
    I'd had twenty-two
    And they sent me away in a hearse.

    On the floor is a pile of laundry
    Some whites and some darks - hence my quand'ry
    For I've only one tub
    In this leak-ridden sub.
    My clothing is pure vagabondry!

    On the floor is a pile of laundry
    Some whites and some darks - hence my quand'ry
    For I've only one tub
    In this leak-ridden sub
    So I stand here all wond'ring and pondery

    The Moon and the stars and the planets
    made of quartzes and plasma and granites,
    They sail in their orbits
    You can see 'em for four bits*
    the price of a rag sheet from Gannet's.

    The rooster, the ox, and the duck
    All met in the back of the truck
    An unnatural act
    Was the plan of attack
    But was stymied when truck struck a buck!

    An Itkitch, a Preep and a Proo
    Are three words that I never knew
    So I studied them hard
    On a three by five card
    While imbibing large vats of homebrew.

    I think someone else should choose,
    whether we take that drive, or a cruise.
    Or maybe a ride
    Just swallow your pride.
    And put on your red hiking shoes

    A lemur, a lion and me
    behind the same bush for a pee.
    It was a tight squeeze
    They spoke only Chinese
    Disaster struck when we were joined by the bee!

    Somewhere there's a star with my name
    And she's taken away all my fame!
    And the cool paparazzi,
    think she's all artsy fartsy
    So I'll have to test out my aim.

    It wasn't identity theft
    But her sneakers were all that was left
    Chuck Taylors, in red
    trimmed neatly in plaid
    of style she was rendered bereft.

    My girlfriend's a horrible nag
    she's usually half in the bag
    The more drunk she gets
    The more scared the pets
    And her breath's enough to make me gag.

    When writing a poem or two
    The passive one should eschew
    But if polysyllabic
    Words should clog mah Bic
    I'll write with a blood-coated screw.

    The wind blew so hard down in France
    It removed the Prime Minister's pants
    they went down to his knees
    and the freshening breeze
    Caused him to break into dance

    However, he wanted to sing,
    "God Save the Queen or the King"
    He tripped on his trousers
    exciting the wowsers
    When his buckle hit the ground with a ping.

    Oklahoma is covered with ice
    so heed well this free word of advice:
    If in Edmond or Dover,
    You'll slip and fall over
    On your butt in a Midwestern trice

    A finicky eater can choose
    but the greedy have weight they can't lose
    if you fry it in lard
    your figure'll be marred
    and you'll have to wear flat, frumpy shoes.

    A finicky eater can choose
    but the greedy have weight they can't lose
    if you fry it in lard
    your figure'll be marred
    And your waistline expanding by twos.

    Perhaps, to consider a diet,
    one really ought first off to try it.
    Those celery sticks,
    Yummy leeches, and ticks.
    Taste better if first you do fry it.

    The nag was ahead by a nose.
    Her rider fell into a doze.
    The hrose's mane flew,
    That saddle's askew!
    And her jockey hung on by his toes.

    A flea and a fly on a floe,
    Stood eskimo-like, toe to toe.
    The flea asked, "Do you?"
    The fly shyed, "Who knew?
    Then their noses they rubbed to and fro.

    Keats' shark kept its ears open wide
    As poetry's sound was its pride
    But as we all know,
    it's a hard row to hoe,
    And a long and most difficult ride!

    What is the slimy green spot?
    It looks like somebody forgot
    To throw out the spinach
    Along with the ostrich
    And avoid all the slugs on the lot.

    That damsel without any clothes
    Discovered some nice pantyhose
    but th' saddle made ladders
    which exposed her to adders
    and just about ripped off her mauves

    That forest beyond the sunset
    Has a hermit who on his buns set
    but then, ever night
    there'd come such a fright!
    Whenever a gibbering ghost he met!

    I think I got lost in the rhyme,
    Distracted by all of the slime,
    but as slime and rhyme go
    it's not bad, you know,
    We do that here 'bout every time.

    Last night I got truly obsessed,
    Over slacks that never were pressed.
    A rather large wrinkle
    made plural from single
    Shoved me from concerned to distressed!

    An immoderate man with a gun
    in society finds he's undone
    He must hide his piece
    from foraging geese
    Who'd really prefer a plum bun.

    Snow and ice stream from the air
    And then it gets caught in my hair
    It drips down my nose;
    It dampens my clothes,
    And creeps you don't want to know where.

    My girlfriend just swallowed an ant
    She said it had eyes on a slant.
    With horrified rage,
    She jumped out of her cage
    Stamped her feet and went into a rant.

    A genteel young lady from Paris
    said she would happily dare us
    to fly through the air
    with a devil-may-care
    chance at the big wheel called Ferris!

    She fumbled and fell through the air,
    And still kept her seat in the chair
    And landed just peachy
    But a large tin of lychee
    Spilled fruits and juice everywhere.

    Don't ask how I swallowed my face
    It ended up in the wrong place
    It's stuck in my gullet
    I choked on that mullet
    and garnished my rear with some lace.

    I somehow got lost on the train,
    and discovered I'd swallowed my brain
    although it was tasty
    my meal was quite hasty
    and now I've intestinal pain.

    The Shaolin shaped up to the bandits.
    Their defeat was the subject of on dits.
    The victor, it's said,
    Had a hole in his head.
    But no one complained re: his grand bits.

    My brain got all ditzy one day,
    And I forgot to secure my belay;
    At the height of three feet
    The waves they did beat,
    and like Cassius, my feet turned to Clay.

    The loneliest long-distance runner
    Has feet to which I take a scunner.
    They're big and they stink
    And his toes have a kink
    And he's known to his friends as a punner!

    His friend has the shot put down pat;
    from a mile he can bullseye a gnat.
    Grinds it into his throat
    drops him dead in the moat
    And then takes a nap on the mat.

    My sister she sleeps with a yak
    I don't mind but it throws out her back
    Yak hair gets in her mouth
    (And other points south)
    It's tasty but not a great snack

    The Left and the Right went to war,
    'Cause the Left called the Right's mom a whore.
    Too bad it was true
    She's true blue through and through
    So that ended the war- it's no more!

    Moms and Dads, it seems, can be funny
    They always make oatmeal that's runny
    It's gluey and ick
    And stirred with a stick
    With parts of dead puppy and bunny

    A train going faster than light
    Gave the stately old matron a fright.
    When a black-hole speed-bump,
    Her knitting did dump
    Though a worm hole, next Friday night!

    He needs a good kick in the pants!
    Then we'll see how his attitude slants.
    Enough of his guff
    He'll ride surf in the buff
    And when he drops pearls we will dance.

    It was a frolicking day at the beach
    My sunblock slipped just out of reach
    Down into a tide pool;
    I grabbed like a damned fool,
    But I ended up stuck with a leech!

    The Titan reclined on a cloud
    and said, as he thought out loud,
    "What was that sound?
    Was it lightning rebound?
    Such noises should not be allowed!"

    The pile of beer caps on my desk
    My long-suffering wife it did vex
    Little did she know
    That they belonged to Moe
    And we traded them all for sex

    I wanted some tangible proof
    That there wasn't a leak in the roof.
    So I got out the hose,
    while freezing my nose
    Slipped and knocked my breath out with an oof!

    George Washington couldn't defend
    a fort by the south river bend.
    The river was freezing,
    The troops they were sneezing
    So off to the north they did wend.

    "Now Betsy," said George, "please, a banner,
    Executed in the best Colonial manner."
    "I can sew!" Betsy said.
    "But I'm all out of thread!"
    Said George, "You're not much of a planner!"

    While crossing the Delaware, George
    Left the map behind at Valley Forge
    He sent a young soldier
    With a hot cup of Folger,
    And tons of chocolate on which he gorged.

    The troops were freezing their tushs off
    They had sneezes and sniffles and cough.
    They called for hot toddies.
    and a raft of warm bodies
    And ulsters they never would doff!

    Meanwhile Revere, on his horse,
    Was riding too fast, well of course!
    Hooves sliding on pebbles
    the slippery devils
    He should at least have felt some remorse.

    Chocolate's so good on spaghetti
    Gives ya skidmarks like Mario Andretti!
    Sticky and sweet,
    A meal ain't complete
    Until shared with one Grable, Betty!

    Ravioli's another nice treat!
    Little stuffed pillows of meat.
    Curled parmesan shavings
    Cannot quell my cravings
    Those tender tidbits can't be beat.

    And let's not forget macaroni
    In Italian, it means Really Phony.
    Curved teethlike tubes
    Dripping cheese on your boobs,
    I'd rather have ham or boloney.

    The girls went out drinking last night.
    Four out of the five came home tight.
    The other one, she
    fell down on her knee
    And hooked her husband up right.

    I seem to have misplaced my Llama.
    On the way to speak with Obama.
    His halter and leash,
    Somewhat nouveau riche,
    instigated quite the high drama.

    They asked him, "Jose, can you see?"
    He said, "Not while I'm up in this tree!"
    The leaves are too thick
    So hand me a stick
    He swung it and yelled out, "AAIIIEEEEEE!"

    Out in the great state of Hawaii,
    There's pineapple, mango, papayii!
    The bananas are firm,
    They're covered in worms,
    Which make them look lots like a cowrie.

    When writing a poem don't be anxious!
    Be bright and sharp and vivacious!
    For a wayward iamb,
    Can still be a ham,
    And a ham can be downright bodacious.

    One thousand five hundred words
    Fly in and out of my mind like wild birds.
    They peck and they scratch
    'Til I find ones that match
    In the hope that they're jewels and not turds.

    Global warming: a myth or a fact?
    True believers have signed a compact
    If you ask Albert Gore
    He'll talk 'til you snore
    But he'll never, no never, retract.

    Around the corner comes Spring
    and a flutter of butterfly wings.
    The bees are a-buzzing,
    the cats are de-fuzzing
    It's time for a big Macy's fling!

    When Jill lost her allergy meds,
    A neighboring man called the Feds.
    They came with a warrant
    For drugs most abhorrant
    And found crack, ice, weed and reds...

    Liz Bennett thought Darcy had Pride
    It made annoyed and quite snide.
    But his housekeeper said,
    He's the most well bred
    He does all his business outside.

    This war has gone over the top,
    And the budget has turned into slop!
    They've run off with the cash
    And then threw a wild bash
    Even scandal won't make them stop.

    There's a storm looming on the horizon
    and it's caused me to switch to verizon
    My DSL's hell
    Oh, where is Ma Bell?
    She's gone the way of the bison.

    There's truly no fiber like silk
    for sexy undies and that ilk
    Though it comes out of worms
    It's lacking in germs,
    And great for straining raw milk!

    The snow comes down in great flakes,
    who handed out these dumb rakes?
    When next summer comes,
    We'll eat hot cross buns
    And hold onto the rakes for the snakes.

    When sliding on ice slick like glass,
    One wishes for summertime grass.
    It's soft and it's green;
    It's warm and it's clean,
    Except where the dog put his... posterior.

    Hurrah for the night time migration!
    It's always a big celebration.
    There's food and there's beer
    And I'm sure glad you're here.
    We needed someone for castration.

    Alas for the lot of mankind!
    We have neither mercy nor mind
    We believed a big lie
    (There's no plum in the pie)
    We're also a little behind.

    The shark lost control of the deck,
    And all he could say was "Oh, heck."
    He hadn't allowed
    For the size of the crowd,
    Or having to pay the large check!

    After the crowd went away,
    The shark said, "Cool, now I can play!"
    Said his ma, "not unless
    You take off that dress!
    I'm doing the laundry today."

    "But what shall I wear while you wash?"
    Said the shark, in his accent so posh.
    "I haven't a thread,
    Of hair left on my head
    And I haven't Godiva's panache."

    "I guess you'll just have to stay in
    Wishing for a gift of the djinn,
    'Cause nudity's banned
    In this cold northern land
    And you threw all your clothes in the bin

    There is a young lass called Sarina
    Who can't yet eat her farina
    She's cuddly and cute
    And her parents astute
    so they're saving a box of pastina.

    The trees here are starting to bud
    But the rain's coming down in a flood
    There's mud everywhere
    (it's even in my hair)
    I think P. Phil's prediction's a dud!

    But it's snowing today (not again!)
    I'll stay indoors with my Barbie and Ken.
    But they're naked and blue
    and ken's missing a shoe
    And Barbie ran off with the yen.

    The kids went to play in the park
    But it's getting very near dark
    And the ol' Boogey man
    Well he's formin' a plan
    'til the neighborhood dog starts to bark.

    The sun's shined two days in a row!
    And my skin, now, it's starting to glow
    But I also have spots
    and some odd orange knots
    and I've misplaced my jar of aloe!

    So by Sunday I'll peel and I'll flake --
    But more than my beauty's at stake.
    The itch of my skin
    on the back of my fin
    Makes me an unhappyish hake.

    My nerves are not steel; my spine
    Has warped into place like a spline.
    My fingers all shake,
    and my knees knock and quake
    And I'm even too nervous to dine!

    Perhaps I could guzzle a malt,
    or maybe tequila with salt
    an icy cold beer
    would make my whole year --
    and I would be crazed to a fault.

    I am not proficient at puns.
    I'd rather be scratching me buns!
    (You see what I mean?
    I'm not even clean
    Be glad I'm not having the runs.

    My humor is kind of off beat
    but I don't understand why your feet,
    though callused and worn,
    With blisters all torn,
    still smell like perfume so sweet.

    In my day what used to be crime
    Now hardly is cause to do time.
    Standards have shifted;
    Truth being sifted
    Try rehab and all will be fine

    For bad manners, there's no excuse;
    Not even if morals are loose.
    Appearances matter,
    Shut up and don't chatter,
    You sound like a gargling goose!

    Where have the rhymers all gone?
    They're not multiplying; don't even spawn!!
    Their rhymes are okay
    Though some people say
    They're inspired by -- what's on the lawn.

    These cutesy euphemics won't fly
    To a pig, a sty is still just a sty.
    It's none the less illth,
    To plant corn on your tilth,
    Which'd make a damn good cusser cry!

    When you order up eggs in your beer,
    Just smile at the bartender's sneer.
    Pass a bucket along,
    Take a hit off the bong,
    And give the cute drunk a good leer.

    Join a couple of friends for a drink!
    Just ignore that unusual stink...
    Raise your glass in the air
    And with consummate flair
    And be thankful the drink isn't pink.

    It's Wednesday somewhere in the world
    The day when I get my hair curled.
    I used to enjoy it
    When I could destroy it
    But now it just won't come unfurled.

    "Oh yeah?" she said, staring him down,
    "Well, you're just a blithering clown!
    You play such a fool,
    And try to be cool,
    But you're a jackass all over the town!"

    Let's try to say something nice,
    Put the sarcastic barbs all on ice.
    Be kind to a jerk,
    But if it don't work,
    Try filling his shorts with some mice.

    When the water is up to your knees,
    And you think that you're going to sneeze,
    But just like a sponge
    that's taken the plunge
    it will suck up a little then freeze.

    Don't play rock, paper, scissors with Mike,
    All you'll win is a razor backed pike.
    He's quick with the finger,
    always spewing a zinger,
    Then he leaves like he's Alibi Ike!

    Never trust Mike in a game!
    His tactics are always the same
    He's got his own dice
    (They're infected with lice!)
    House odds he really can maim!

    Never let Mike play roulette!
    Or any such game where you bet.
    Keep your feet in your shoes,
    Stay off of the booze,
    And don't take your eyes off the get.*

    Cath: *Slang for git

    What's with all these poems about Mike?
    Let's talk about someone we like!
    Such as Gladys or Sam
    Or that guy with a lamb
    Who voted for old General Ike.

    "That guy with a lamb?" he asked Cath.
    "You remember -- that sociopath."
    "Oh, right. Now I know,"
    Said Peter, real slow.
    "He's the one who made chopsticks from lath."

    So I wondered: Why birds don't have teeth
    And the reason, I think, is beneath
    The stuff in the nest
    Which I might suggest
    To your mother you shouldn't bequeath.

    The behemoth of Pleiades 9
    Got busted for bootlegging wine
    With socks for a filter
    and the still out of kilter
    We've nothing to drink while we dine.

    There once was a writer from Dallas
    Who once lived a life free of malice.
    He cried, "Nevermore!"
    Till his throat he made sore,
    And developed a right-tonsil callous!

    He's taken to drink, sad to say,
    And they won't let him out long to play
    He toddles unsteady,
    His tongue at the ready,
    As he staggers through each blurry day.

    She ran to the mailbox with glee
    like some simian zoo escapee.
    An envelope thin,
    she stuck in the bin
    (another rejection for me!)

    The hitchhiker stuck out his thumb:
    "I'll take it, whatever may come."
    But he'd later lament,
    As he saw it all bent,
    That he'd gotten a ride in a drum.

    "And tympani aren't merely loud,"
    Said the maestro, conducting a crowd.
    "If you press on the pedal
    It sounds like a kettle."
    With a grandiose flourish then he bowed.

    A magician named Dick had a trick
    Amazing for he's such a prick
    He picked up his wand,
    and wished for a blonde
    And out popped a young man named Nick.

    Sweet Nick, however, got bored
    'Twas a redhead instead he adored.
    His strawberry sweetheart
    Her legs did he part
    But never did he 'xpect that fjord.

    My dog does sag just a bit.
    'Tis the butt of everyone's wit
    He has big floppy paws
    And elephantine jaws
    And an astonishing capacity to shut the door behind him.

    The giant of twelve foot two spoke:
    "I'll not be the one in that yoke!"
    He drooled when he smiled
    And when he ate a child
    But frowned when the yoke weren't a joke.

    Haggis makes such a pretty wee kitty
    Tho what happened to Rob's such a pity.
    He's all cuddly and pink
    And, phew, does he stink
    Why did they roll him in shitty?

    Last edited by Pthom; 02-09-2013 at 03:03 AM. Reason: changed title of post
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  5. #5
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    Thumbs up The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Part 3 (Limericks 1000-1410)

    [... continued]

    When roaming around in the dark
    Please don't end up in the park
    Unless groping's your pleasure,
    Use your tape measure
    And not your foot as a benchmark.

    That grievously mischievous lout
    thought he could bribe me with trout
    but I detest fish
    so please make my wish
    and bring me a tankard of stout.

    The elephants went on a hike
    Except Dumbo, who rode on his trike,
    His ears got entangled
    And that one bit that dangled -
    Caused his blood pressure to spike

    Let's all use our sick leave today
    and go for a roll in the hay
    but those actually sick
    please stay home with a flick;
    Don't give away germs with your lay.

    While bonking about in the straw,
    He found that he couldn't withdraw
    While closing the gap,
    He got caught in the trap,
    Next time, he'll go straight for her maw.

    What is it with you pervo folks?
    It's beyond civil manners, these jokes.
    but they do make me laugh
    and it's all for Our Craft
    so throw off those stifling yokes!

    Let's go out and dance in the rain;
    Forget all your bunions and pain!
    Stick your toes in a puddle
    Give your wet dog a cuddle
    just try not to fall down the drain!

    This weather's somehow good and bad
    but the heat is driving me mad
    At one-hundred-and-nine
    I need a Cuervo with lime,
    A bath full of ice, and sleeping unclad.

    It's so hot that I'm starting to droop
    and since I'm a boob, I'll fall in that soup.
    That's no noodle, but a nipple
    That causes the ripple,
    Not enough to feed the whole group

    On his hand he had a great callus
    from busily engaging his phallus.
    He rubbed it quite raw,
    but covered in slaw
    he was known from Chicago to Dallas

    It had nothing to do with his size,
    but it sure did look like a prize.
    Warty and green,
    (and a little bit mean)
    Yet he always could get it to rise.

    While waiting for hours in the queue
    At Victoria Station with nothing to do
    all just to visit the loo
    Why did I come to the Zoo?
    Without Bobby, Sally, and you?

    Young Jock had a tractor for sale,
    along with three ewes and a pail.
    His chickens for rent,
    the egg money spent
    on regret at the pub -- bitter ale.

    The rapid decline of the king
    Was cause for the locals to sing
    He was a fat libertine
    but we doused him in beans
    As he nibbled a bucket of wings.

    However, the chicken was sticky,
    and planning, he'd been, for a quickie
    so too bad for you
    and your little dog too
    There's no time left for taking the mickey.*

    Meaney: *The Yanks may not be familiar with this phrase.

    My sandwich was snatched by a gull;
    It's ok though, the flavor was dull.
    The bread was too tough
    but the bird, sure enough,
    flew off like a young Jethro Tull.

    While doing a concert down South
    I caught a large bug in my mouth.
    'Twas crunchy and chewy
    but I spit it, 'Ptooi':
    To swallow it, I was -- well -- loath.

    Pronounce it however thou wilt,
    The beer shouldn't be getting spilt.
    Your chin is aslobber
    But, like any cobber,
    it always tastes better sans silt.

    So don't drop your beer in the mud
    Especially if drinking a Bud.
    The slovenly look
    In that photo they took
    Does nothing to show your blue blood.

    Saint Nick has a message for you-who
    Being naughty is something you will rue
    Loving all that is sweet
    Makes you less than petite
    And your stockings a drag to fill too

    I live in a world of my own
    But the neighborhood seems to have grown
    There are nutters and berks
    and real estate clerks
    and lawyers, but who would have known.

    They all know me there, which I like.
    When I go riding by on my bike
    Folks wave and say "hi"
    To which I reply,
    "Get bent! You and your fucking Fourth Reich!"

    Originally Posted by Meaney
    In the woods there's a creature so fierce
    Red eyes through murky green do pierce
    I called out "Who's there?"
    and lo! Fred Astaire!
    And look at the size of those ... ears!

    Unique: sorry. you have a better word that rhymes with fierce and pierce - have at it.

    I went walking last night in the rain
    Dragging my wife by a chain
    But the look in her eyes
    Said "I'm not your prize"
    Then she proved me criminally insane.

    Once I conformed, I admit.
    But the act was not fully legit.
    I cheated, you know,
    To get that healthy glow
    But we had such a wonderful fit.

    I know that I'm not what you need
    That my willy's quite small, I concede
    But don't underrate
    The pleasure most great:
    I've got hands that can make your heart bleed.

    Being subtle's no longer enough
    So you better get off of your duff
    Start using your tongue,
    articulate lung, and
    sing a Greek hymn off the cuff!

    The bloke was a knockabout mug
    Quite well known as a gangland thug.
    He had his face fixed
    but reactions were mixed
    Now he's a thug with an ugly mug

    My boss can be really rude
    and when he sits around in the nude
    I try not to see
    what he's waving at me
    One foot long, made of rubber, how crude!

    She looked in the mirror and cried,
    "That bastard! How could he have lied?!"
    With spite in her plans
    A gun in her hands
    Her sweet revenge will not be denied.

    I went to the doctor with gout
    And asked him "what's this all about?"
    "You've joints full of acid
    And your breath's truly rancid."
    Now pay me and get out!

    So I was staring at Uranus
    Thinking of someone famous
    A pair of moons
    like macaroons
    and me an ignoramus.

    Meaney: (Excuse my taking licence to adjust the meter.)

    The Tweedles named Dee and named Dum
    went out for a plate of Dim Sum
    "No MSG" was the plea.
    They served us green tea
    and swapped us sugar for gum.

    When old Milly took off on the lam
    Her husband did not give a damn
    But their dachshund sure did
    and the pet giant squid
    And the beast she was riding, the -- lamb.

    Solatium: (That hurt me more than it hurt you.)

    I wish I'd get over this cold
    And I'm sneezing because of the mold
    The boogers are flying
    Think maybe I'm dying
    I'm a terrible sight to behold.

    My poor empty stomach is rumbling
    "Think of your diet" I'm mumbling.
    Now the Yak ate my pie,
    I'll need a good alibi --
    My world, flesh, and devil are crumbling.

    Voyager: You limmerick writers are such upstarts with all your militant rhyming

    Three things that resemble a key:
    One small object to set you free
    The second is lewd,
    The first has been blued
    And this rhyme makes no sense, don'tcha see?

    The kitchen appliances store
    really makes my pocketbook sore.
    The lady insists
    that veggies need mist
    But that's not what I came in here for.

    Pthom: Moving day!

    A grater I needed, you see
    not this fandangled monstrosity
    if you have one in blue
    with a knuckle protector (ooh!)
    I'll take it. Stop gawking at me!

    My goat has a horrible habit
    He tries to make love to the rabbit
    He gets down on his knees
    Hanging all out in the breeze
    And waits for the rabbit to grab it.

    You have this annoying compulsion,
    That is quite the utter repulsion
    It just makes me gag
    When you pull out a rag
    And cover your body in lotion.

    The vampire had a terrible toothache
    He cured with frothy vermouth shake
    he then whipped out his fangs
    and combed back his bangs
    And devoured a blood-red steak.

    There was an old rascal called Willie
    Who thought his old trousers looked silly
    The legs were too long
    And the zipper was wrong,
    So he took them off. Now Willie's chilly.

    A cowpoke from Texas went riding
    And found local folk were in hiding
    They moved the best thread
    I thought it was dead
    And so I'm pissed off and I'm chiding!!

    There once was a man from Algiers
    Who had hairy and floppy ears
    He thought he was a donkey
    His friends thought him funky
    When he trimmed them with his pinking shears.

    Suspenders, not belts, were for him
    Because his rear end was so slim
    "It's a trick," he allowed
    "I'll gain weight he avowed"
    so he cancelled his day at the gym

    A stupid young surfer named Ned
    Swapped his board for a sled
    When people asked why
    He said it's a high.
    But the sled sank, and that's why Ned's dead.

    A shady young lady from Butte
    Spent some time in St. Luke's Institute
    She grunted and stretched
    Then bent over and retched
    "That was fun," she said. "My, but I'm cute."

    There once was a lass from Loch Ness
    who kept spilling out of her dress
    She filed suit against Playtex
    Instead bought herself some pink Spandex
    But Spandex allowed spilled chest to progress

    There once was a thread poster named Pthom
    Whose post was a veritable pbomb
    He wanted success
    And would take nothing less
    So he went home to live with his mom.

    A manly young man who was Scottish,
    he thought a local lass hottish.
    With thyme in her hair
    And legs up to there
    He'd've wed her but dang--she was Swedish!

    Nymtoc, a mysterious man (adjusted for meter)
    Made porridge without any pan
    He cooked it just right
    It was a wonderful sight
    Being thrown in the trash can.

    There once was a man with a dog
    Whom he wanted to breed with a hog
    The pooch said, "A pig?"
    The man said, "You dig?"
    And the silly dog slobbered agog.

    A man of proportions outrageous
    Claimed that diets were disadvantageous
    He stepped on a scale
    But it started to fail
    Because gravity's often contagious

    He then hit the floor with a thud
    When he tripped on the shoddy old rug.
    The flooring gave way
    And he started to pray
    That the cellar might be full of mud.

    When they told me the sea's full of salt
    Instead of hops, beer yeast and malt
    I said I'm not drinking that
    Cos it won't make me fat
    Drinking beer is my love--not my fault

    I may be an all-key-hole-ick
    And booze may be what makes me tick
    But the combination
    Of my brain and libation
    Is a disease that is making me sick.

    The Rockies and Sox were a match.
    Many balls they did have to catch
    Green Wall or Thin Air
    As in love all is fair
    But baseball is not a rose patch.

    My solutions don't often make sense
    At times they may seem on the fence.
    But I try very hard
    Though I'm hardly the Bard
    Although I say 'thee', 'thy', and 'whence'

    I don't want to act very crude
    And certainly be not a prude
    I've studied E. Post
    For I trust her the most
    But I want to see her in the nude.

    A man who resembled a catfish
    Cooked his girlfriend a rat dish
    When she ate it she said
    "Are you sure that it's dead?"
    "No," said he. "Would you rather have bat knish?"

    A man of the world threw a party
    For all that are large-nosed and warty
    He perfected the brew
    with animal glue
    None of them could do a farty.

    An evil lord once sat and thought
    'Bout a pair of pink panties he'd bought
    "I do love the lace
    It tickles my face
    But it in my pants zipper gets caught!"

    Deodorant is such a boon
    Some ladle it on with a spoon
    And others, who dare,
    Braid their armpit hair
    As happily as a baboon.

    There once was a crazy old hag
    Who carried her teeth in a bag
    Along with her wig
    and a prize-winning pig
    Which gave her a reason to brag.

    A reader of tales that are gory
    Searches for spine tingling stories.
    Each corpse on the floor,
    Each creak of the door,
    Leads to a man eating dory.

    A writer with hair on his palm
    Tried to cure it with foul-smelling balm
    But the smell was so rank
    Was this some sort of prank?
    To keep him from going to prom?

    A man with suspenders of pink
    Decided to skate on a rink
    He didn't suspect
    that he'd have to collect
    money to go see a shrink.

    Two sisters from Saginaw, Texas,
    decided to murder their ex's.
    The night of the hit
    They sat for a bit
    Then shot each ex in his solar plexus.

    There once was a duck that was lame
    Sure thing poetry wasn't its game.
    Attempting a sonnet
    With a bee in its bonnet
    It got stung and quacked out. What a shame!

    A spider invited a fly
    to sit 'neath the cedar bonsai
    they whistled a song
    and pulled out a bong
    and fly's in the sweet bye and bye.

    Tony's a man from New Jersey
    Who will greet you with a curtsy
    He'll laugh and he'll flirt
    While dishing the dirt
    Telling you lies and hearsay.

    An ostrich who lived in denial
    Believed he could play the bass viol
    He ripped all the chords
    seeking only rewards
    And now he lives in great style.

    An ostrich who lived in denial
    Thought flying a matter of style
    With head in the sand
    The air there was grand
    But only the worms saw him smile.

    There was an old miser named Bill
    Who never made out a will
    He died intestate
    On the old Interstate
    And haunts his rich nephews still.

    A mushroom that grew in a wood
    Believed it was misunderstood
    It went to see Mister Carrot
    But got ate by a ferret
    Whose teeth were obnoxiously rude.

    The ghost hovered over the house
    Along with his phantasm spouse
    They got on "Most Wanted"
    Their grins were flaunted
    They finally were caught by a mouse.

    Poor Scarlett is gone with the wind
    From partaking in too much gin.
    She's passed out on the couch
    Her position was slough.
    A bit of a pickle she's in!

    A little bird sat in a tree
    And a spider crawled up her knee
    "I promise you glory
    If you tell me a story"
    "How 'bout my sordid affair with a bee?"

    An earthworm who wanted to fly
    Wrote NASA asking how to apply
    The rules for worms were clear
    Don't fall in love with peers
    And don't fly too high in the sky.

    A wizard once came to town
    With a beard that dangled far down.
    His knees, they were knobby
    And he was all wobbly
    But he looked fabulous in a gown.

    A guy in a sharkskin suit
    Was looking to stash his loot
    He looked everywhere
    Except in his hair
    Because there was lurking a coot.

    A woman without any clothes
    Was being paid well just to pose
    She wasn't ashamed
    When gentlemen aimed
    Their cameras at her, I suppose.

    Regarding the whims of a cat:
    He dreams of chasing a rat
    Well not chasing, per say
    Just delivery-same day
    Of ratatouille, low-fat

    There once was a tree with an itch
    So lonely, it wished to be hitched
    One day up its trunk
    Climbed a heartsick hunk
    And now with love they are rich.

    A lovely young lady from Russia,
    whose first name sounded like Kasha
    Was an heir to the Tsar
    Hid in old Kandahar
    And ended up Empress of Prussia

    A pirate who ran out of rum
    Set sail in a leaky old drum
    He encountered a shark
    And with caustic remark,
    Skewered the shark up his bum.

    There once was a sender of spam
    Whose tee shirts professed Spam I Am
    But down in the dregs
    It's spam and green eggs
    With onions and strawberry jam.

    When Dracula smiles some folks shiver
    And wish for some heat in the flivver
    They reach for a stake
    As they contemplate
    How to steady the hand that does quiver

    'Tis said that bald lovers are best
    Which doesn't say much for the rest
    With no hair up top
    Some flip and some flop
    And deliver the goods when pressed.

    There was an old owl from Madrid
    Who dined every night on fried squid
    Got drunk on sangrilla
    And played with his "willa"
    And he is so happy he did.

    A woman from Boston complained
    Amid one's fair grid she was framed
    And charged with the crime
    Of killing a mime
    After he had just entertained

    A dentist who barely could see
    Was known to pull molars with glee
    He once drilled the tongue
    For the pain it had brung
    Ceasing his wife's endless bitching

    Beware of the honest proctologist
    He's also a clever apologist
    Be still and cough
    Once your pants are off
    You may have to see a psychologist.

    There once was a chick from Chicago
    Who became a man and sailed to Santiago
    Joan now known as Juan
    Ran for president and won
    Then said, "I regret seeing my bra go."

    A mouse who disliked being small
    Drank a potion to make him tall
    It didn't quite work
    And made him jerk
    He's now the size of a gumball

    Heed the advice of the widows three
    Who come from over the sea
    "It's better to wed
    then to die in a bed
    And never be kissed on the knee"

    A horse who despised eating oats
    Had to live with a family of goats
    They only ate trash
    And cigarette ash
    And were the butt of all jokes

    Consider the plight of the ant
    He wants to play tennis but can't
    His backhand is poor
    His speed is unsure
    People shout, "Hey, go chew on a plant!"

    There once was a pirate named Bart
    Who never fit into the part
    He couldn't say "Arrrrrgh!"
    Was afraid of the dark
    And stealing folks' stuff broke his heart.

    There once was a pirate named Bart
    Who never fit into the part
    He couldn't say "Arrrrrgh!"
    Was afraid of the dark
    And was hanged from the mast of the Ark

    A Nematode from Iceland one day
    Decided to spawn in the clay
    But the clay was too dry
    So he started to cry
    "I can't have offspring this way!"

    No matter how wealthy you are
    and can buy an expensive car
    There's still something missing
    Don't buy one hissing
    Or you'll end up in feathers and tar.

    An eel that crossed the Red Sea
    Stopped at Jiddah to have him some tea.
    And while he was there
    He ate an eclair
    Then zapped the maitre d'.

    A newbie who'd just joined the forum
    Requested a slice of the quorum
    The monitor said
    With a pain in his head
    Please show a bit of decorum.

    That's it. That's enough!" said the teacher
    To the student who taunted the creature
    "You're here to learn
    But I can discern
    Mocking from those in the bleacher.

    A man who itched with psoriasis
    But lucky to not need dialysis^
    Put cream on his rash
    With a splat and a splash
    Which caused total paralysis.

    A woman who flirted with danger
    Once chatted online with a stranger
    She took off her blouse
    Unaware that the louse
    Was a secret Texas ranger.

    A woman who flirted with danger
    Once chatted online with a stranger
    She took off her blouse
    Unaware that the louse
    Was an internet photo exchanger

    A dog who barked up the wrong tree
    Had to use the insanity plea
    "I hear voices," he said
    "They're quite clear in my head,
    and they say two plus two equals three."

    On a sub-freezing day in July
    The thermometer told a great lie
    So John wore pink shorts
    Like the king of all dorks
    And suspenders with his plaid tie.

    The dorkiest dork of them all
    Said, "I'm shaky but I wont fall!"
    I might start to tip
    But I'm not ill-equiped
    I'll get there if I have to crawl!

    A whiskered old gent with a cane
    Liked to tap-dance his way through the rain
    Tippy-tap tippy-tap
    Went the chipper old chap
    As he tap-danced his way down the lane

    A sleepy young woman in France
    Played a gypsy violin at a dance
    The faster she played
    The more her skirts frayed
    As she sank in her self-induced trance

    A fearsome old bear in a storm
    Whose name unfortunately was "Norm"
    Burst into a pub
    Wielding a club
    But chose to get pissed until morn.

    In an effort to draw back the blinds
    And reveal herself to filthy minds
    She leaned on the sill
    While wearing nil
    And started her bumps and grinds.

    He drank till he started to hurl
    Then into a ball he did curl
    He rolled on the floor
    And rolled straight out the door
    As his clothing began to unfurl.

    He drank till he started to hurl
    Then into a ball he did curl
    He rolled on the floor
    And rolled straight out the door
    Into the calves of a shapely girl

    A cross-eyed young fellow named Nick
    Went everywhere wielding a stick
    And poked a young guy
    And put out his eye
    Then painfully skewered his dick.

    There once was a man with a hump
    Who went to the park for a dump
    The cops caught his act
    And that is a fact
    And so is his unwashed rump.

    A cat who had only eight lives
    Lost his seventh life looting bee hives
    His sixth to a dog
    And his fifth to a frog
    And the rest to a kook armed with knives.

    A wiley old gent with a 'stache
    Thought he'd get him a gal with some cash
    But she worked at night
    And looked a real fright
    And then he developed a rash.

    A girl had a cat named Louise
    Who always climbed evergreen trees
    She got stuck on a branch
    Up a tree on a ranch
    Where in winter a branch cat could freeze.

    A girl had a cat named Louise
    Who climbed up evergreen trees
    She had a litter
    And hired a sitter
    With a dreadful bad case of fleas

    A wicked old witch on her broom
    Desired a knight for a groom
    but the wizard said no
    You're too ugly, you crow
    You would frighten the dead in a tomb.

    A vulture without any beak
    Found that when he ate soup, he would leak.
    His prey would just laugh
    Taking Vult's photograph
    "Die ate when you do dat!" he'd peep.

    The man from Lamancha was quick
    So when his poor sidekick got sick
    He rode off alone
    A sack of old bones
    Looking for a windmill to kick.

    While Shakespeare was writing a play
    Anne Hathaway walked in to say
    "I want that part"
    "Aw, Annie, don't start!"
    But he let her play Lear anyway.

    There once was a chimp who went crazy
    And went willfully woefully lazy
    But to his demise
    He was covered with flies
    And now he's pushing up daisies.

    There was an old man from Tibet
    Who had a remarkable pet
    It danced and it sang
    In the wilds of U-Tsang
    Darting the posion frogs' ribbet

    There once was a poster who dozed
    At a loss, his computer just froze
    His writerly friends
    Could not make amends
    For the pitiful lack of good prose

    There was a man who dreamed
    of lands and seas once pristine
    Now they've lost their sheen
    And they're no longer clean
    As they once, in his dream, surely seemed.

    To call someone 'fat' isn't nice.
    Saying 'big-boned' remains sound advice
    And never say 'oink'
    In fear of a boink
    "Hey, you're looking great!" will suffice.

    A girl known as poor Cinderella
    once ate way too much mozzarella
    She got sick as a cat
    And said "Drat, Drat, Drat!
    That really ain't fun, I can tell ya!"

    One wet winter's day in the Midwest
    Some people begin to get depressed
    But Santa drops by
    (what a great guy!)
    Dumps the gifts and steals a turkey breast!

    There was a turkey who sought revenge
    For a fowl-deed he wished to avenge
    He lifted a cleaver
    Lopped the tail off the beaver
    Who gave out a horrible stench.

    There was a turkey who sought revenge
    For a fowl-deed he wished to avenge
    He lifted a cleaver
    Lopped the tail off the beaver
    And buried it under Stonehenge.

    The thing about stuffing a bird
    With martinis, shaken not stirred
    Is that people will think
    You've had too much to drink
    And that you are an alcohol nerd.

    The squirrel once said to the rat
    "Oh Blimey, that's really some hat!"
    It goes with your ears
    And matches your tears
    It's wet and it falls with a splat.

    When two people make the same rhyme
    Some people may think it a crime
    Well, it is. Go to jail!
    There will be no bail
    So write prose while you still have the time!

    When plotting a tale of woe
    A good writer feels each cruel blow
    Yet nevertheless
    Don't acquiesce
    In ending it all with "heigh-ho".

    Books are the most evil things
    What? Even The Lord Of The Rings?
    Especially that book
    About Captain Hook
    Where they fly without using wings.

    Books are the most evil things
    Whether read by peasants or kings
    They twist your thoughts
    With crosses and noughts
    And mess up your very heart strings.

    Wearing clothes is just such a bother
    I'll go naked like my father
    And if folks complain
    I'll simply explain
    That I'm spiffy and cool like no other.

    In a land that's all upside-down
    Where brown is green and green is brown
    Confusion is great
    Where crooked is straight
    And the president is a clown.

    A camel without any humps
    Thought he could learn how to dance
    He waltzed on the sand
    Like this verse he was panned
    And swept off to sea in 3 clumps

    A turkey awoke in a freezer
    Right next to a grizzled old geezer
    So great was his shock
    Melting the soup stock
    That he instantly turned into a wheezer.

    woof: "dance" rhymes with "humps" ? hmm... it's a stretch...

    A turkey awoke in a freezer
    Right next to a grizzled old geezer
    So great was his shock
    Melting the soup stock
    That he instantly turned into a wheezer.

    Beware of the pigs that can fly
    as they swoop about in the sky
    Pig poop can stain ya'
    And dead pigs can brain ya'
    Look! A porcine bomber is nigh!

    The pen is mightier than the sword
    But deeds more meaningful than words
    The deed to a house
    Or a book by a louse
    Who wrote under a floor board.

    There once was a writer who drank
    And performed an incredible prank
    He penned the tale
    o'er a flagon of ale
    He and his story really stank

    A woman came back from the dead
    And complained of the pain in her head
    She'd been shot in the brain
    For being too vane
    And now she's a pretty undead.

    A wave once hit on a rock
    At the edge of a sea monster's Loch
    A bagpipe was heard
    Then a rare gooney bird
    Flew by and started yelling in shock.

    Two dwarves once met on a road
    Patrolled by a militant toad
    They got in a fight
    That lasted all night
    It ended with toad a la mode

    My physics teacher is bald
    Which keeps all his students enthralled
    They write on his head
    And post on this thread
    Is that why these limericks are mauled?

    There once was a shepherd from Greece
    Who wore a superb golden fleece
    The God Zeus was jealous
    Hurled thunderbolts on Hellas
    And came to blows with Hercules.

    A man who thought the earth was flat
    Set out to prove exactly that
    He raced to the edge
    Stubbed his toe on a ledge
    And fell off the world with a splat.

    I dreamed that I walked outside nude
    So you really can't call me a prude
    Then I was seen by a cop
    Then I spun like a top
    The arrest warrant read "Acting lewd."

    There once was a man from St. Kitts
    who had a really nice pair of...mitts
    eaten by hippos
    do you suppose?
    No one knows, but the hippos had fits.

    There once was a man from St. Kitts
    who had a really nice pair of...mitts
    eaten by hippos
    do you suppose?
    that they were sad that the mitts do not fit

    A prince fell in love with a cow
    Rejecting his heartbroken sow
    the king was quite mad
    That his bestial lad
    Chose a kuh instead of a frau.

    The weirdest thing happened last summer
    I dated an octopus drummer
    his tentacles froze
    and so did my nose
    which was one hell of a bummer!

    A lady from Chanson le Mer
    was brushing her tangled-up hair
    When without any warning
    The day began dawning
    And hair fell all over her chair.

    "Have you cheated on me?" said Othello
    "But why, I'm such a respectable fellow?"
    "It's your dink" she replied
    (I'm afraid that she lied)
    "It's your buttocks - they're soft as a pillow."

    "Have you cheated on me?" said Othello
    "But why, I'm such a respectable fellow?"
    "It's your dink" she replied
    (I'm afraid that she lied)
    Then why are your feet on the pillow?

    There once was a bat in a belfry
    Whose smell was very unhealthy
    When he opened his wings
    The other bats would sing
    "Take a bath, bat, and get odor free!"

    The trouble with Lady Macbeth
    Was that she got her jollies from death
    Necrophilia, they say
    They should lock her away
    Yet, her fetish is better than meth.

    When gargoyles and griffins do gyre
    They create a maelstrom of fire
    And the slithy toves
    In the borogroves
    Joined them in the black deep fryer

    There was a man who ate swordfish
    All covered with hot horseradish
    It stuck in his throat
    Which just got his goat
    As vomiting became sort of faddish.

    A wily old women from Greece
    Rented the Parthenon on lease
    For two drachma a month
    Which is due on the ninth
    For a rhyme-athon if you please!

    There once was a cat with nine lives
    Who recently began to eat chives
    But chives made him sick
    And vomit a brick
    Which really grossed out all his wives

    A long time ago in Lubbock
    In the grime, the dirt, and the muck
    Rose the great Buddy Holly
    Writing songs melancholy
    (He should have travelled by truck)

    An irreverent writer of poems
    Wrote volumes of boring tomes
    He used naughty words
    Making them sound more absurd.
    The only good reviews were from gnomes.

    I encountered a very rude crow
    Who looked like someone I know
    He had a large beak
    Which I gave a tweak
    Eliciting a sneeze and a blow.

    A troll who lived under a bridge
    Charged a toll from those poor and rich
    A nickel to pass
    Whether donkey or ass
    Or male dog or even a bitch (just as clean?!)

    A dollar equals four quarters
    According to miserly hoarders
    Except in New York
    Where even a dork
    Can be an economic reporter.

    I'll start with an easier rhyme
    Which gets harder all the time
    No free verse here
    It has to please the ear
    Or we'll considerate it a crime.

    I never was one for hunks.
    Or for muscle-bound lunks
    With abs of steel
    And an Achilles' heel
    And a smell that could rival a skunk's.

    When Hamlet conferred with a ghost
    Uninvited to his weiner roast
    He learned of deceit
    On a royal bedsheet
    Then he shrugged, spread more jam on his toast.

    They say brandy is bad for your liver
    And gin makes your pancreas quiver
    But beer feeds the brain
    A lie I maintain
    Though your bladder flows like a river.

    A turtle broke out of her shell
    And scaled the pits of hell
    Leaving the fire
    She sought her desire
    And now makes the soup taste real swell.

    A baker of sweets in his shop
    Liked whisky, and more than a drop
    Instead of cane sugar
    he called on Lex Luger
    and asked him to make it a swap.

    A pretty young thing from Dubai
    Taught her baby to wave bye-bye
    She waved all day long
    While mom toked a bong
    Till CPS happened by.

    Look quickly or you're going to miss
    Something to add to your bliss
    It sticks to your skin
    And makes you look thin
    And sucks out your blood with a hiss

    A woodpecker was out on a limb
    Being more of a her than a him
    He wiggled his tail
    To entice a male
    But the prospects were ever so grim

    A woodpecker was out on a limb
    Being more of a her than a him
    He wiggled his tail
    To entice a male
    Now they're off to San Fran on a whim.

    On vacation on Fisherman's Wharf
    I met a Mongolian dwarf
    Who thought he was tall
    Learned to play baskeball
    But all that he scored was a laugh!

    On vacation on Fisherman's Wharf
    I met a Mongolian dwarf
    Who thought he was tall
    Learned to play baskeball
    And into a giant did morph.

    A cowpoke rode into Loredo
    Into the path of a tornado
    He held tight the reins
    Till blood pooped his veins
    And he turned into scarlet Play-Doh.

    If I finished my novel today
    I will then have the weekend to play.
    So I'd better work
    And sweat like a jerk
    'cause I don't know what to say.

    There once was a girl from El Paso
    Whose figure resembled a lasso
    She was roped and hog-tied
    Oh, her future was fried!
    But she fooled 'em all. Now she's a basso.

    "Bah! Humbug!" said Scrooge. "This is folly!"
    Only Santa thinks Christmas is jolly.
    If I steal all the toys
    From the good girls and boys
    and stuff stockings with pinching holly.

    There once was a man from New York
    Who was sadly addicted to pork.
    He loved ham and bacon
    But replaced them with "Steak-Um"
    Yes, he sure was a dork.

    Whenever you're feeling depressed,
    Let a friend help you get fully undressed
    Get right to the root of the problem
    Don't fight or endeavor to stop them
    Just remember don't ever confess.

    A woman who thought she was smart
    Was brainy but hadn't a heart
    More nasty than nice
    And colder than ice
    Her chilliness went off the chart.

    A bow-legged man rode a mule
    All covered in lice and thick drool
    He rode for a mile
    Then spewed some bile
    When some kids shouted, "Look at the fool!"

    Cleopatra, they say, was enchanting
    She got Caesar and Antony panting
    As she sailed up the Nile
    In Pharoahnic style
    Her favors, they say, she kept granting.

    There once was a lad called Tom Thumb
    Who stuck his finger up his bum
    His mom said, "That's bad!"
    "Just mimicking Dad!"
    Well, it's clear that whole family was dumb.

    There once was a man from Seattle
    Whose snake he tried to de-rattle
    But the snake was too quick
    And bit him on the prick
    You could say, that man lost the battle.

    My girlfriend has no cell phone
    Sometimes, when she's out alone,
    She tries telepathic thought transference
    But satellites cause interference
    I really must get her a dog and bone

    eodmatt: (Cockney rhyming slang for phone)

    An elegant gentleman from Sakhalin
    dropped his pocket watch into the latrine
    He stuck in his arm
    Pulled it back in alarm
    Away from a mutant biting sardine

    Santa Claus has gone on a diet
    Cause the media took note when he fried it
    His hat, boots, red "suite"
    made him just want to eat
    until he'd succumb to disquiet.

    The reindeer were slaughtered for steaks
    For a nest of carnivorous snakes
    The cobras ate Rudolf
    Prancer did run off
    All trampling the uneaten cakes

    A limerick felt so dejected
    That he hadn't been elected.
    Not one vote was cast
    So sordid his past!
    He upped and sadly defected.

    A writer who lived in a hole
    Fell in love with a literate mole
    Who wined her and dined her
    In hopes to entwine her
    Then bake her in a casserole.

    A woman who married a moose
    Was known for morals, loose
    She cheated with stags
    And cavorted with nags
    So the moose sued for spousal abuse.

    Three witches prepared a hot brew
    Buttered scones and Ocelot stew
    Spider web tea
    And tidbits of me
    And generous dollops of you.

    "Let's go find some gold," said the miner.
    "And take a pan from the diner"
    To the river they traveled
    And panned all the gravel
    That sparkled. One's now a designer.

    There once was a man from LaSalle
    Who was lusting after a gal
    So firm and so feisty
    She looked really tasty
    He married her and made her his pal.

    A hotdog from Ischcabibble
    Did argue, split hairs and quibble
    But he didn't relish
    An outcome so hellish
    As dying nibble by nibble

    A pigeon who flew to New York
    Was mistakenly seen as a stork
    So he put on a suit
    Struck a note on his flute
    And learned to eat peas with a fork.

    A stripper called Lola LaRue
    Had a most unbecoming tattoo
    But she his it with guile
    And it looked like a smile
    Right across Lola's big boobs

    In the old Texas town of LaWrite
    Lived a gentleman, learnéd and bright.
    His opinion was sought
    Or more or less bought
    Though his answers were stunningly trite.

    A lady with superfluous ears
    While hearing and eavesdropping hears
    Some gossip so smutty
    That involved sex and putty
    That she was quite reduced to tears

    A happy investor in shares
    Invested in a warren of hares
    But these bunnies did hop
    And do nothing but plop
    So he lost his investment. Who cares?

    From Denver to Durham to Dallas
    From Pavarotti to Callas
    All operaphiles swoon
    And dance 'neath the moon
    After dosing their hair with Vitalius.

    The Jolly old man with his elfs
    tried to start the red sleigh, oh welfs
    But the deer wouldn't budge
    They were on strike for fudge
    And thinking only of themselfs!

    Mrs Santa decided to help
    By feeding the reindeer boiled kelp
    They gulped and they swallowed
    They hiccupped and hollered
    And expired with one great yelp.

    Rudolf painted his nose turquoise
    Thinking it would amuse girls and boys
    But it caught the eye
    Of a North Pole spy
    Guess which reindeer no one employs.

    Under the mistletoe an ogre stood
    With his glass eye and leg made of wood
    He grabbed a young miss
    And said give me kiss
    But she wasn't ready for ogrehood

    Elvis the long-legged elf was ready
    He fell in love with short legged Betty.
    They met mid-calf
    Twas his better half
    Until Betty took off with Freddy.

    There once was a man named St. Nick
    who went swimming but sank like a brick
    But once he hit bottom
    A gang came and gott'em
    Then walloped him with a long stick.

    The man in the 7th-floor flat
    Decided to marry his cat
    So, armed with some flowers
    The cat-nipping powers
    Was killed by an 18 foot rat

    An owl who wasn't too bright
    Challenged an eagle to fight
    They soared through the sky
    Till they met a magpie
    Who died from shock at the sight.

    A tiger who devoured three men
    was caged but escaped his pen
    with stripes ablazing
    the certain hell raising
    He decided to do it again.

    For presents she made them biscotti
    That she took to them on her Ducati
    Her bike hit a bump
    And her bladder went thump
    And she cried out, "I have to go potty!"

    There once was a green armadillo
    Who used a young mole as a pillow
    But mole, he grew old
    short-sighted and cold
    So he left to warm Amarillo.

    There was a duck who couldn't swim
    So all his friends made fun of him
    They mixed up some Jell-O
    which made them feel mellow
    Now they're all bouncing at the Jello-O Gym

    Albert Einstein was a pretty smart fellow
    His shirts were green and his tie was yellow
    He had a relative theory
    And blue-green eyes so bleary
    "So who cares if I clash?" he would bellow.

    A Mandalay black widow spider
    Once found an intrepid outsider
    At once, she had tied
    A fly she had spied
    And then sucked the whole thing inside her.

    There once was a king from Persia
    Who suffered from horrid inertia
    He sat, and he sat
    with brainwaves so flat
    And was replaced with a new Shah.

    When I think of an African elephant
    I conceive a riposte so inelegant
    That I curse and I swear
    Think it's all so unfair
    And all so terribly irrelephant.

    Dr. Frankenstein woke one day
    And decided to go out to play
    He unearthed a brain
    Oblivious to pain
    But happy to go out and slay.

    The twelve days of Christmas are weird
    That song about them should be feard!
    Those maids all a milking? <- - - adjusted for meter.
    Or all those lords leaping?
    And were all those ladies brassiered?

    In jolly old England, they say,
    Dear Saint Nick, well he don't ride a sleigh
    He takes a night train
    Through fog and through rain
    To Cardiff, where he sleeps all day.

    But really, you see, I digress
    'Tis a season of joy and of stress
    Of turkey and stuffing
    (Tho’ poor folks get nuffing)
    And undisguised fullblown excess.

    The turkey looked into the kitchen
    And saw a trussed, stuffed pigeon
    'Hmmm kinky' he thought
    "Must be store-bought,
    but I’ll give it one while it’s still twitchin’’

    I was feeling a little obstreperous
    And couldn't quite help but be amorous
    So taking a chance
    I asked her to dance
    'Cause no one else there was as glamorous.

    Some things are just unavoidable
    Like foods that are hemorrhoidable
    So take it from me
    Pebbles aren't peas
    But Baseball stats, though, are steroid-able.

    'Twas the Night before Christmas, I guess
    And I traded my pants for a dress
    But my wife exclaimed ‘Brian!
    That dress needs an iron.
    And is there something you want to confess?’

    Whilst fumbling around in the dark
    In the bushes that grow in the park
    I found a young couple
    All naked and supple
    and was stuck for a witty remark

    A donkey, two nuns and a mime
    Were dancing a polka in time
    When to their dismay
    They missed the buffet
    After the nuns committed a crime

    A monkey fell out of a tree
    And bumped into Robert E. Lee
    Lee said, "I declare!
    Your midriff is bare!"
    And you smell like a 6-month old Brie.

    A reindeer who went out on strike
    Said Santa could go ride a bike
    The other deers cheered
    Poor Santa just sneered
    As he gathered his things for a hike

    A turkey was flapping its wings
    Knowing what Christmas brings
    It wanted to flee
    But had to go pee
    Now there's cranberry with my drumstick and wings.

    I keep hearing the holiday is about
    Gathering with family-in laws and out
    Children with their lists
    Granny's mean ol' fists
    And more than one drunken lout.

    Contact Santa at
    But don't tell your dad or your mom
    Those pics of the elves
    Getting off on themselves
    Will make you grow hair on your palm.

    She was taken on a gruesome sleigh ride
    And made Frankenstein's creature's new bride
    When she saw his big bolt
    She felt a strong volt
    That swept her misgivings aside.

    There once was a rat who wrote prose
    Who penned all his words with his toes
    He'd grip the pen tight
    With all of his might
    But did publishers call? No one knows.

    A feisty old hobo called Sammy
    was known to be running a scammy.
    He bilked all the widows
    and milk money from kidos
    Yet his song won him a Grammy.

    There was a swan who hated to swim
    but entered a race looking to win
    To cause him great speed
    On beans he would feed
    And he sometimes worked out at the gym.

    Santa brought me a real sexy dress
    But my hair is an absolute mess
    My shoes are a fright
    My makeup's not right
    That's why I say, "Bonjour Tristesse."

    My neighbor's remarkably fat
    And eats ice cream by the vat
    His belly's so big
    That he shames every pig
    Try to tell him so. He'll knock you flat.

    When Scarlett set out to catch Rhett
    She acted like a real coquette,
    Rhett don't give a damn,
    Just chews on his ham,
    and says, "Frankly, I prefer a brunette."

    The beast with the tentacled head
    Made the posse all wish they were dead.
    As it crept through the night
    They all listened in fright
    And some of them dampened the bed.

    Hickory dickory dog
    My beagle got lost in the fog
    All I heard was his howl
    As he dreamed of hot fowl
    And a snooze by the blazing Yule log.

    When I have to get up and go
    My legs get all languid and slow
    May gait is feeble
    I wobble and weeble
    So much for going with the flow

    It's time to look at the year past
    Which went by so very damn fast,
    Time to right your wrongs
    Like buying those thongs...
    Oh, forget it! Let's just have a blast!

    On the very first day of the year
    Should your hangover disappear
    Go talk a brisk walk
    Or read some real schlock
    Or at least drink a gallon of beer.

    There was an old man who turned blue
    Because he had sniffed too much glue
    His neighbors all giggled
    When his body wiggled
    And jumped like a blue kangaroo.

    "What big eyes you have!" said Li'l Red
    "Are you sure you've taken your med?"
    "Of course, dear," said Granny
    "Well, don't touch my fanny!
    Or you'll be permanently stuck in that bed."

    There once was this cool writing site
    That was called Absolute Write.
    The members were odd
    Both brilliant and flawed
    They worked hard to give their words life

    Once an optimist and a pessimist did marry,
    Their child was a sweet little fairy,
    He said, "No, I couldn't."
    Just knowing he shouldn't
    And turned Miss Smith into Harry.

    Sponge Bob and Patrick are great!
    Their nonsense and mirth are innate
    They joke loud and long
    both break out in song
    But neither of them have a mate

    There once was a schoolteacher gal
    Who wanted to find a man pal
    She wrote out a test
    To find the best
    But he was worse than a root canal.

    A writer who wrote in the nude
    Snub folks who said it was crude.
    So he raised his quill
    wielding it with a will
    Yet his sex scene was still pooh-poohed.

    A maniac wielding an ax
    was stopped when his weapon was taxed
    he found he was broke
    when the IRS bloke
    sent him an invoice by fax

    Awaking this morning I find
    A squeaking rodent who is blind
    And slurping down tea
    While strangling a flea
    that threatened to bite her behind.

    The hangover when it hit home
    Sent a lightning bolt through my dome
    Those rum and tequilas
    in my pajamas
    had me pacing and longing to roam.

    The New Year got snowed under
    Amidst the storms and thunder
    The revelers were buried
    All mince pied and merryd
    Their clothing all ripped asunder.

    Should old acquaintance be forgot?
    or simply buried under a pot?
    Maybe chained to a pole,
    with a hot yeast roll
    Or tossed in an empty parking lot.

    My new year is starting out great
    I just returned home from a date
    I would've got lucky,
    But things came unstucky
    When he asked if I’d put on some weight

    There was a young lady called Hannah
    who sometimes unfurled her green banner
    It left her bemused
    (and that means confused),
    so she upped and left Alabama

    There once was a moppet named Millie
    whose exclamations came out quite silly
    ‘Hot dang diddley doo!’
    and 'Fiddledy foo!'
    Which sprang from her lips willy nilly

    A lady faire in a wagon
    called out to a plaid dragon
    "You horrible lizard!
    "You stepped on the wizard!
    So now take a drink from my flagon!"

    The dragon replied "What the heck!
    I think it's time to go high tech"
    Then grabbing his gun
    He started to run
    But ended up stabbed in the neck.

    The damsel then burst into tears
    Because of the dragon's vile leers
    She wept and she moaned
    He sneered and he groaned
    While people watched, chugging down beers.

    "Let's greet the New Year," said the mule
    "By daring the horse to a duel"
    He ran to the stable
    Where the horse was at table
    But horsey just laughed at the fool.

    There was an old man with a beard
    Who slept with a goat he had reared
    And while they were sleeping
    A neighbor was peeping
    But he'll never tell--he's too skeered.

    The girl with the lavender hair
    Once tried a product like Nair.
    Her hair all fell out
    And she grew a snout
    And boy do the guys point and stare!

    A man with a fuzzy, broad chest
    Thought that women would vote him the best
    If he tucked in his gut
    and padded his butt
    but the ladies all took him in jest.

    so dyeing his hair royal blue
    didn't even give him a clue.
    He got on a plane
    looking very inane
    but hiding a bomb in his shoe.

    My daughter just finished her work
    Then went absolutely beserk
    She climbed up a tree
    Eating some Brie
    But decided to cut short her lurk.

    I now have to go get my lunch
    I'll die without something to munch
    But hubby's made stew
    Made of horse bones – like glue
    They're chewy but do have some crunch.

    Last night an owl flew inside
    In search of his runaway bride
    I don't give a hoot
    She's out on a toot
    And cannot now damage my pride.

    Right now there's a dog that is howling
    To be noticed by J.K. Rowling
    But she is too far
    Such a literary star
    And cares not for animals growling.

    The fun of this limerick thread
    Is the word search inside your head
    And the rhyming at speed
    It's time well spent, indeed !
    And much better than staying in bed.

    The problem, however, with threads
    Is someone jumps in ahead
    I try to be fast
    Yet sometimes I'm last
    In hitting the keys on the head.

    Tomorrow I'm starting a diet
    I am hoping my friends will buy it,
    If not, I don't care,
    I'll endure the stares
    But tonight give me pork: I will fry it!

    Oh when will this ever be done?
    This rhyming addiction’s no fun
    It's highly frustrating
    When you’re sitting there waiting
    Until there arises the sun.

    An extra-terrestrial being
    Who every so often went fleeing
    Landed on Earth
    And for what it's worth
    Became very good at sight seeing.

    'Cept he couldn't see in the dark
    And walked into a trailer park,
    and someone grabbed him
    And bruised both his shins
    so much for going out on a lark.

    For those who forfeit in a limerick
    And forget to put prompts up like, real quick,
    The punishment is
    An AW quiz
    Who is the best writer of us all, now pick!

    A candidate went to New Hampshire
    Where he was pro-life, but anti-fur
    What he didn't know
    Was that deep in the snow
    Was a female socialist vulture.

    There was an old lady from Boston
    Who wore only clothes made by Halston
    I could never be moved
    Or my wardrobe improved
    So I'll only eat kibble from Ralston.

    On a rocket ship far, far away
    A man and woman did play
    At doctors and nurses
    zero gee caused curses
    when having a romp in the hay

    A man with a very long nose
    kept getting it stuck in his clothes
    it was trapped in his zipper
    where it stank like a kipper
    But the ladies all cried ‘Thar she blows!’

    Whilst fondling a buttock in Rome
    A man began writing a poem -
    He whipped out his quill
    His feelings he spilled
    While deftly his fingers did roam.

    The buttock in question was large
    reminding myself of a barge
    Though on a treadmill
    I wondered if Fred will
    salute when he next calls me "Sarge"

    A journalist once ventured to say
    "I think the Prime Minister is gay."
    His readers astonished,
    Cried "This man is honest!"
    "Who cares what's his preference, eh?"

    When Horace the horsey neighed
    each mare within miles strayed
    He'd ruffle his mane
    And stretch his rein
    You could hear the old nags bay

    There once was a man from Ohio
    Who fell off his roof--"Me-oh-my-oh!"
    He broke his pelvis
    While channeling Elvis
    And now has a diet of Jell-O

    While watching my team lose the game
    I cursed and called them the name
    I was joined by some othersuckers
    eating breakfast at Fudruckers
    silently, our heads hung in shame

    There once was a writer from Alaska
    Who wished that she lived in Nebraska
    A polar bear bit her,
    Balked, then it kissed her
    And they ended up eating marasca.

    An aging lothario from Pisa
    said "M'Dear, I'm really a sleaza.
    I pinch every bum
    and I'm all soaked in rum
    I just hope the brothel takes Visa"

    There once was a ghost who was fat
    whose name was Dead Corpulent Pat
    He haunted the thames
    in yellow-blue flames
    Where he belched and farted and spat.

    A sheep was allergic to wool
    and at his own curls he would pull
    He coughed and he sneezed
    he hacked and he wheezed
    until along came a bull.

    A duck with a very loud quack
    Had his bill and his feet painted black
    His feathers he dyed
    He was living a lie
    A habit of which he'd the knack.

    A duck with a very loud quack
    Had his bill and his feet painted black
    His feathers he dyed
    He was living a lie
    by pretending to be a knick-knack.

    Two penguins were plodding on ice
    When one gave the other advice
    "You shouldn't flip-flop
    this waddling must stop
    or else you'll fall flat on your fice."

    A polar bear hearing their spat,
    whilst trying on a large feathered hat
    Posed in the mirror
    recoiling in fear
    Because he'd gotten so fat.

    The giant moved out of Atlantis
    Looking just as enraged as his rant is
    He moved to Beirut
    And bought a white suit
    which he wore with some frilly pink panties.

    Two zombies were having a chat
    About why they never got fat
    They pigged out on flesh
    Both rotten and fresh
    But their sallow abs remained flat.

    Young Frankenstein was so lonely
    he'd misplaced his one and only
    So he built her from scratch
    Even added a hatch!
    And grafted a wart to her knee.

    When I'm really feeling pekish
    I allow myself a fetish
    untying neckties
    and strangling mayflies
    Before I swallow Czech fish.

    There was a man who sprouted quills
    And rambled on about daffodils
    He was soft in the head
    and talked to the dead
    And lived on purple happy pills.

    And old gal with clothes erotic
    Was fractious, diseased and despotic
    She lured young men
    Again and again
    They all danced nude and exotic."]Peter's Limerick Rant[/URL]

    Because she stayed over at Harry's
    She missed Pthom's rant (he's an Aries)
    But after the rant
    Her stout fearsome aunt
    Went off with some pixies and fairies.

    A fox with a face full of whiskers
    Came home all covered in blisters.
    His mother's gale voice
    knew the wrong in his choice
    "Silly boy, you can't kiss both sisters!"

    Marmaduke flew to the moon.
    and from a crater he'd croon
    This isn't cheese!
    then he would sneeze
    before passing out in a swoon.

    Old Jasper went hunting one day
    A unicorn hoping to slay.
    He sighted a centaur
    Who said, "Sir, you're bent. Are
    You keen on a romp in the hay?"

    A porcupine out for a stroll
    Sat carefully down on a knoll.
    But one of his quills
    poked holes in them hills
    Which strikes me as ever so droll.

    An intelligent elegant heron
    Met a pellican who was named Sharon
    Heron: 'Do you dance?'
    Sharon: 'Not a chance!
    Because of the gown you are wearin' "

    There once was a limited time, see,
    When limericks were rhythmic and rhymesy
    with meter and grace
    All frilly with lace
    Now some limericks suck. That's a crime, see?

    A man with a hammer and tongs
    was singing Burt Bacharach songs
    his voice out of tune
    hie eyes on the moon
    He continued while smoking his bong

    There once was an old dog called Buck
    Who rode in the back of a truck.
    He thought, "Man, this lorry
    Would make a cool story
    if only it weren't full of muck!"

    A peacock who thought he was wise
    Spread his feathers so he'd look nice
    a wind blew them off
    which gave him a cough
    so he died and was buried in ice.

    There once was a girl from Rangoon
    Who rose swiftly in a balloon
    she ran out of gas
    and fell on her ass
    And left this cruel world much too soon.

    "To market, to market!" said Pig.
    "I need some fresh meat and a fig.
    I'll make fig soufflee,"
    said pig sounding gay,
    "And while they eat, I'll dance a jig."

    There once was a lecher from Leeds
    Who tailored weird holes in his tweeds.
    He had one on his knee,
    As gross as could be,
    Though better than that where he peed.

    Once an old man named Gapetto
    Tried to carve his way out of the ghetto
    He dug and he shoveled
    And then, on knee groveled
    While drinking some strong amaretto.

    “The problem with drinking and driving,”
    Said Roberta, while going pub diving,
    "Is not looking nervous
    When drivers swear at us,
    together with all the conniving."

    On Friday night down at the pub
    Jonnie asked, 'What's all the hubbub?'
    The ale was a-flowin'
    A psychic was knowing
    three men were singing in a tub.

    A Martian named Murzig Mazor
    Was shaving a girl with a razor.
    He asked how she felt
    And she nearly did melt
    'Cause Murzig's sharp razor did faze 'er.

    Belinda Melinda O'Malley
    Stole a painting by Salvador Dali
    Its lines were distorted
    the shapes all cavorted
    So she threw it away in the alley.

    Two sailors, two girls and a mule
    Decided to swim in a pool
    But the mule was drowned
    After clowning around
    And riding the girls like a fool.

    A man who was forced to eat crow
    Said, "It actually tastes good, you know
    Still, the talons are tough
    Till I chew them enough
    And I spit out the beak like a pro.

    A peacock, a horse and a nun
    Robbed a bank and then went on the run
    The getaway car
    Had a fully stocked bar
    And roof-mounted Gatling gun

    On top of old Smokey at night
    Jack and Jill had a terrible fight
    Something 'bout buckets
    They said. Well, tough luck! It's
    Too bad. Jack just fell from sight.

    But Jill, she just wanted to rumble
    She laughed when poor Jack took his tumble
    Yet she caught her toe
    On a bramble, and so
    All her plans she did bumble.

    Just take it (be strong!) on the chin
    And if you must, guzzle some gin
    Hehe, you'll feel free!
    Hey, just look at me!
    I'm drunk with a busted grin.

    When the teataster drank from a tass
    He explode with terrible gas.
    "What's in this?" he cried.
    "My guts are outside!"
    I suppose I'll go on a fast.

    Herb was a man of distinction,
    whose pastime was termite extinction
    He stamped out those pests
    then threw a food fest.
    But, alas, had an ant infestation.

    A gerbil who lived in a cage
    Flew into a terrible rage
    They'd stirred his martini
    with his cage mate's weenie
    who more than doubled his age.

    A flag flying high on the breeze
    Flapped twice when it happened to sneeze
    The rigging then broke
    the flag had to choke
    sagging mournfully down on its knees.

    A raven, a crow and a rook
    met a chicken, a goose and a duck,
    three owls and a wren,
    in a seed field when
    They all began to..uh..flock.

    The pig we must never malign
    In some cultures he is divine
    His manners, in truth
    Are sometimes uncouth
    What do you expect from a swine?

    Deep in the tomb of a mummy
    Archaeologists got kind of chummy
    Unearthing a bone
    they heard a great groan:
    The curse of the hungry tummy!

    I dreamed I had traveled to Mars
    With the green twins, Lana and Lars
    They look so alike
    When out on a hike
    But quite different when playing guitars.

    A woman from East Transylvania
    Migrated to west Pennsylvania
    She rented a room
    and wove on a loom
    And now she sells rugs to Albania.

    Ten dollars will buy you a cow
    And twenty will get you a plow
    And fifty will buy
    a hayloft to try
    and lighten the sweat from your brow.

    A farmer once fancied a wench
    he offered her room on his bench
    “But I can’t,” she did say
    "I must go and make hay."
    Then she clobbered him with a big wrench.

    The sheriff inducted a posse
    To capture the bandit called Flossie
    A cow on the lam
    We're stalking beef and not ham
    And we don't like a heifer who's bossy.

    A fantasy writer named Megan
    Was smacking the keyboard and beggin'
    When she cried HALLELUJAH,
    May the force come to ya,
    The hero's clothes on the line she'll be peggin'.

    When he jimmied the lock on the storage
    He discovered an old rusted war fridge,
    With some whiskey inside,
    and a photo that lied
    Soldiers never die! They play bridge!

    There once was a cook in Wyoming
    After big horned sheep she went roaming
    She caught a large ram
    And offered it Spam
    and kissed him right there in the gloaming.

    A young hairless werewolf named Louie
    Said "All of these threads are just phooey!"
    Then he had an itch.
    Said "Well, ain't that rich.
    I must be allergic to newbies."

    Whatever became of the fragrance
    with which one associates vagrants
    Whose hair needed combing
    Because they'd been roaming
    forever, in search of a homing

    There once was a lass from Yagoona
    Who fancied a lad from Altoona
    She powdered and primped
    And pouted and crimped
    'Cause he really was the big Kahuna!

    To copy and paste is a skill
    Which very few teachers instill
    But try as I might
    I can't get it right
    And sometimes I feel I could kill!

    There once was a poster who thought
    that real good ideas can be bought
    So he gave out a dollar
    Then let out a holler
    his larceny all came to nought.

    A perky young Mouse on vacation
    Met a sexy mouse at the bus station,
    She offered him cheese
    But his shrug made her freeze
    Twas the end of her cheesy flirtation

    A skinny young man from Ohio
    Went down to Louisiana's Bayou
    He feasted on gumbo
    And shrimp small and jumbo
    And crab bisque, up to the wazoo

    A gentleman wearing an orchid
    never showed up unescorted
    On each arm was a nymph
    with magical imps
    Whose memory was somewhat distorted.

    A hairy old man named Jim
    went nude when taking a swim
    But nobody noticed
    This nonchalant floatist
    except the otter who loved him.

    A flaminco dancer in purple
    Couldn't bend because of his girdle
    It pinched where it shouldn't
    But junk it? He couldn't
    Twas a kick, and that was the hurdle.

    A true-loving wife in her forties
    had a liking for guys who were shorties
    She wed seven dwarves
    'Cause at night they'd morph
    and simulate ravishing sorties.

    A yeti sat, bemoaning his fate.
    "Alas," he said, "I must lose weight."
    All the leaves from the tree
    no longer cover me
    I must leave what I once loved to ate

    A debonair salesman with buck teeth
    announced, "I've drunk from the River Lethe."
    "But still I am here,
    though I've lost my left ear!
    so hand over the victory wreath!"

    A mantichore courted a sphinx
    (With a nose) but she wasn't a lynx
    bringing fine flowers
    chocolate towers
    and a sweet serenader in pinks.

    When Scrooge McDuck counted money
    He was watched by his gold-digger honey,
    The bigger his stack
    She would quack about lack
    Till he left her, for some fluffy bunny.

    A serious chap, Archimedes
    Got smarter by eating his Wheaties
    Though some felt that muesli
    would make him speak loosely
    He died without any archenemies. (Ooo, not so good, eh?)

    Whenever the fat man farted
    His buns gave a fanfare full-hearted.
    One day, found him corked...
    For sure, his thing "rorked"
    And he from his buttocks was parted.

    There once was a pulp fiction author
    Whose fear was travelling norther
    he'd shut his eyes tight
    And pulse through the flight
    as he screamed loud, 'It's such a bother!'

    A slinky young gryphon once pouted
    Thinking that he'd been outed
    He sobbed, with a tear...
    "Twas simply the beer
    my sexiness I never doubted!"

    There once was a harpy from Greece
    Who flapped as she scrapped over cheese
    This isn't quite fair
    Being ugly and bare
    What I'd give to look like a Matisse !

    A graceful young person named Percy
    Was known for crying out 'O, merci!'
    With a dab of cologne
    And a sensual groan
    Thus became the ultimate patsy.

    A man with no home wrote a sign
    But the letters he couldn't align
    he wrote and he cursed
    "Help! My fountain pen burst!
    I guess I'm no good at design"

    A creaky old dame, near fifty
    Saved all her dimes and was thrifty
    But no matter how much
    She just couldn't touch
    The Hope Diamond, it's so nifty!

    A frantic young lady from Paris
    Eloped with a man called Jarvis
    A man past his prime
    Was running out of time
    They put on his stone, here lies Harris.

    A hungry young cannibal once said
    before you know it, you will be dead
    He took out his spoon
    And grinned like a loon
    then made sure his tummy was fed.

    A T-rex once courted a dino
    who wore a red dress and looked so fine-o
    "Will you please be mine?"
    He asked with a whine,
    "You're cuter than Rhea the rhino."

    My writing has gone to the dogs
    who have run away hunting for frogs
    It's actually quite scary
    those frogs can be hairy
    And make the dogs shit great big logs

    My dog sheds all over the carpet
    I just don't deserve such a varmit
    I vacuum all day
    And don't get to play
    I'd have more free time in a tar pit.

    A stuffy young lad named McGreavy
    Shouted,"Why does no one believe me?"
    When I say that I love
    such a cute little dove
    They just up and leave me!"

    A sainted old bitty named Martha
    Kept spouting aliens were attacking from Zartha
    no one believed her
    So she hopped a four-wheeler
    And collected samples of their barfa.

    There once was a witch named Winifred
    who loved to bake her own pumpkin bread
    She kneaded her dough
    Said, Presto-chango"
    Pumpkin treats on table were spread

    There once was a tiger with spots
    Who guarded some vacant lots
    He'd roar with delight
    In the dead of the night
    then he'd play and connect his dots.

    A sinister gent name of Murphy
    Was a master of the furphy *
    he'd lie and mislead'
    spin yarns and succeed
    And in the end, always go buy a slurpee!

    ona: (*Australianism - see )

    A really cute kitty named Tinsel
    Had fleas and always scratched himsel'.
    He took a flea bath
    In the dusty path
    And left the biters in the dirt, back in dustville.

    Freddy woke every morning with migraines
    And unbearably painful thigh pains
    he bitched and he moaned
    Until mucho money he was loaned
    So he moved to uninhabited plains.

    A werewolf named Theo tried to shave
    so the striking writers would behave
    And in the full moon
    he'd whine and he'd croon
    like a perfect besotted love-slave

    A grouchy old bletch named Matera
    was always ruining her mascara
    Her dabs made it worse
    And boy did she curse
    She was banned from Revlon forever

    An old wizard had grown quite depressed
    his old rival he never could best
    So he learned a new trick
    with help from Old Nick
    and a new attitude he found success.

    A poet dreamed of a unique rose
    That grew between his dirty toes
    Light chartreuse in color
    Though somewhat duller
    It just died before reaching his nose.

    A fanciful chimney sweep once claimed
    To have swept for big stars, and he named
    The first one he found
    Passed out on the ground
    'Oh look, the sky is falling!' he claimed.

    Mother Goose had a terrible mess
    the jelly boiled over, I guess.
    With a splash and a splutter
    I hear Ma G. mutter
    "Twas the monster, the one from Loch Ness.

    A simple young chap from Melbourne
    who wasn't considered well born
    went fishing one night
    And hadn't a bite
    So he dined at the Matterhorn.

    A young man wrote with distinction,
    about the dinosaurs extinction
    from meteorite showers
    or wierd alien powers
    but none of it made a clear linction

    If only I had a rich uncle
    He'd give me a lovely carbuncle
    But my uncle is broke
    The stinking old bloke
    So I'm stuck with this abscessed knuckle.

    My putrid carbuncle has popped
    And its gunk cannot be stopped
    It's gushing like larva
    I'm ready to barf up
    my poor head will have to be mopped.

    A young madam of shady background
    said, "Why should my credit rebound?"
    the johns pay as they go
    it shouldn't be so
    the banking world doth me astound

    A colourful writer named Maurice
    went skating with someone called Boris
    who said, "can you dance Morris ?"
    "I was once in the chorus."
    The 2 Worded review was Boo, Hiss.

    A strapping young lad from Tibet
    Brought a sex-starved bohemian to bed
    "You want bottom or top?"
    "Why, you silly young fop!
    You can't tell my feet from my head !"

    A jubilant peddler or juices
    Pumped juice out of fifteen large mooses
    But one got a flat
    And one was too fat
    The peddler should have switched to gooses.

    A jubilant peddler or juices
    Pumped juice out of fifteen large mooses
    But one got a flat
    And one was too fat
    But the last one sang like Caruso

    Tolstoy once tried to play Cupid
    With a countess and a large quadruped,
    His arrow was ready
    But his hand was unsteady
    "Ow!" screamed the countess, "how stupid!"

    How little we know about rattlesnakes,
    For example, we don't know how long it takes
    To don its sweater
    the one with the letter
    That shakes as it rattles and quakes.

    A vulgar young vicar named Victor
    Went up to a lady and kicked her
    She said, "See here, sir,
    I beg to demur!
    At which he vulgarly licked her.

    A toothsome mechanic from Brighton
    Could only have sex with the light on
    With floodlights galore
    His albino whore
    had her standards of joy heightened

    A lowly Beagle wins Westminster
    Which offended the French Poodle's spinster
    said she, "This is absurd!"
    Laid a delicate turd,
    Then woke up when somebody pinched 'er.

    Can anyone please explain
    Just why we feel such pain
    Blame it on nerves
    And voluptuous curves
    and that damn song "You're So Vain"

    As the sun sank slowly in the West
    Mary Lou turned to Willie and confessed
    I have a serious STD
    And you've caught it from me,
    And Willie said, I'll be God-...blessed!

    A serious student of Chaucer
    Claimed he spotted a flying saucer
    On board was a squire
    And a nun, in a choir,
    And the Wife of Bath, all getting crosser.

    There once was a two-headed dragon
    who tried to quaff ale from a flagon.
    He spent the whole night
    In a bid to get tight.
    One head hiccupped. The other was saggin'.

    In a tavern called One for the Road
    A frog was approached by a toad
    'If you kiss me tonight,
    And again by daylight
    I'll reward you with sex à la mode."

    Give a cheer for St. Valentine's Day
    When we say what they tell us to say
    While sentiments true
    In rosy red hue
    they hang limp at the end like wet hay.

    There once was a porcupine in love
    Whose libido was confined to a glove
    his quills bent aside
    on a wild erotic ride
    Unexpectedly distracted by a dove

    A bad-smelling worker in nylon
    Was crushed by a falling pylon
    'What rotten luck!' he proclaimed
    As his jewel box was maimed
    And he fell down and moaned right on my lawn.

    There was a young cowboy from Dallas,
    So rich that he lived in a palace.
    His bed was cowhide
    And awesomely wide:
    There he listened to Maria Callas!

    When eating a dubious apple
    It's best to combine it with scrapple
    then unlike poor Snow White
    you won't get a fright
    And end up feeling like crapple.

    There once was a writer who tried
    To return to life once he'd died
    But his publisher said
    "It's better you're dead."
    This way your books are glorified

    Pity today's frequent flier
    to join the club a 'Mile Higher'
    takes more than mere flying,
    protection they're buying
    from something or somebody dire.

    A man in a ten-gallon hat
    Played ball with a really big bat
    Which excited the girls
    With fly-away curls
    And they went to his room at the frat.

    Last edited by Pthom; 02-09-2013 at 03:04 AM. Reason: changed title of post
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  6. #6
    Down Under Fan HeronW's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Rishon Lezion, Israel
    Got to 120ish and was laughing so hard I hurt myself.

    Well done! Hope you're over the flu!
    Sometimes the only thing between the lines is empty space--except for here:

  7. #7
    The new me oneblindmouse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    St Albans, UK
    Hope you recover from the 'flu, Pthom, but glad it led to such a wonderful post! Many thanks for such great entertainment!

    "Strange Destinies" by Guillermo Rubio Arias-Paz, translated from the Spanish and out now on Amazon and the Endless Bookcase.


  8. #8
    I vant to bite you Kerr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Way out there
    Hey Peter! Hope you're doing better. These are great! I was thinking... Mac might take a consensus... see about publishing The Absolute Writer's Book of Limericks, or something along those lines, proceeds going to upkeep, etc. It would be a sure hit.

    the dark one
    "Push me in a corner and I'll come out writin'." -Kerr

  9. #9
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    Three Words at a Time: The AW Novel (Compiled)

    Once upon a_time, there lived_a teeny tiny_mouse in a_doll house, and_she had a_month to live._She decided to_sneak out of_her doll house_and visit her_two long lost_aunts across the_wide Pacific Ocean._She donned a_red checked cape_and packed her_lunch box with_four miniature sandwiches_all neatly wrapped_in willow leaves._Then she began_a paw-written note_to bid farewell_and leave instructions_for the care_and feeding of_her six little_bonsai trees.

    With_excitement she trod_through the dark_taking care to_not wake up_her landlord, who_slept in the_walnut shell beneath_a walnut tree._SMACK! she collided_with a big_papaya. Her tail_curled reflexively around_the stem.

    “Hey_I can use_my big knife_to carve a_walnut boat for_crossing the River_of Dreams when_my crushed leg_keeps me from_hopping,” she said.

    Though the papaya_now had jarred_the sandwich fillings_and pumpernickel slices_out of alignment,_she kept on_her path, glancing_occasionally behind herself_to make certain_her shadow still_belonged to her_(for, you see,_sometimes her shadow_had a mind_of its own)._Her shadow waved_merrily, every time_the wicked sugarplum_fairy had indigestion._Then it would_be upon her_like a crazed_mome rath outgrabing.

    Nevertheless, she managed_to cross the_vast magic ocean_free of any_fettering responsibilities or_Catholic mouse guilt._So she sailed_in her walnut_boat across the_Pacific, to the_wide world, a-waiting.

    After many moons,_she finally reached_China, the mystical_land of the_Lilliputs and Brobdignags,_having traveled swiftly_over omnipotent mountains._Wide rivers spanned_catching a lift_on a magical_seagull with a_minor infestation of_fleas. Her life_wasn’t real. It_was a television_series starring Al_Einstein as a_chipmunk king with_bug eyes. She_wanted to live,_not be a_dead mouse soon._Surrounded by cockroaches,_who worshipped her_like the insane_worship their many_colonies everywhere do,_she danced as_the floor opened.

    She tumbled down_into an abyss,_sandwiches flying everywhere,_She grabbed hold_of a ginseng_root protruding from_somewhere, and, gasping,_she shook her_tail. She looked_toward the light_below her, and_her little mind_expanded, Castenada-style.

    “Oh!” She marveled,_the glowing cavern_awash with colors,_waterfalls and lush_garden vegetables and_giant spiders with_wings of flame._A fairy hovered_above the three-headed_cauliflower that occupied_a prominent place_near the entrance._

    The cauliflower said,_”Renewing your life_by Anthony Robbins_is what you_need to find”_to stay alive.

    So she borrowed_a magic carpet_made of sunflower_shaped pieces of_dried kiwi, hemp,_and old linoleum,_weaved together like_a cheap wig._She waved cheerily_at the Cheerios_that danced through_the milky lake_trailing sugary spirals_with infinite grace,_amid bobbing strawberries.

    Then, a cow_named Gloria appeared_from the sky_wearing a garland_of dried punctuation,_mostly em-dashes and_chartreuse question marks.

    Quoth the cow, “Bovine is beautiful_not exclamation marks,_So there!”

    Suddenly_her magic carpet_spoke up: “Did_the Lakers win?_Wait, wrong Question...”

    Without warning, fifty_blaring trumpets appeared_on the stage_playing Swing low_and soft on_eating beans to [here, the novel went on hiatus from March 14, 2005 until December 27, 2007, when it was resumed by HeronW] the rhythm of_the Star-Spangled_wooly bear caterpillar_a capella with_a gargling sound_it went down_well with rappers_thumping with bass_and the sound_of heavy metal.

    Miss Mouse was_able to visualise_on feeding her_small hungy baby._Suddenly, she remembered_her neighbor who_gave her millions_of dollars to_raise hungry puppies.

    But she lied._She always lied._Except for once,_when she was_high on catnip_rolling around on_in poison ivy._

    She took her_loaded AK-47 and_blasted tree trunks_enraging homeless chipmunks_to picket against_AK47-toting mouse psychopaths_who indiscriminately blow_balloons at parties_for schizoprenic warthogs_Who then played_truth or dare.

    A naked man_felt for his_clothes that were_stashed in a_Campbell soup can_but was horrified_at the thought_that he might_smell like chicken_or clam chowder._Groping furtively, he_found his glasses_but they were_missing the lenses_which made them_fashionable but useless.

    So, pocketing his_frames, he stumbled_blearily out of_the deserted ballroom,_searching now for_his wallet that_he remembered having_left in his_lime green Lamborghini_that his boyfriend_had parked nearby.

    A no-parking ticket_was stuck on_the windshield and_the metre maid_was still dancing_a jig with_astonishing grace. He_just had to_ask her out._So, smiling sweetly_he remembered that_his breathe smelled_like flatulent maggots_having eaten cabbage_expired since 1967.

    Just then, he_remembered he had_smuggled into his_bed, a crocodile_plush toy that_squeaked when you_hugged it tight._Being made of_mice sewn together_with elf thread_his little plushie_started to explain_in a hesitant_quavery whisper that_indicated his unintentional_distraught emotional state_that he had_induced with mojitos._Whereupon, sneezing violently,_and dislodging the_snowman patriotic furnace_blocking the stairwell_keeping the dragon_in case of_emergency.

    What kind_of food, does_he eat anyway?_Foodies were aghast.

    Then, suddenly a_magic fairy appeared_with a large_black machine gun_loaded with dust_and cat hair._The machine was_aimed at the_fairy's purple boots_which twinkled with_sequins, stardust and_plastic rhimestones with_vaporized demon dust_and fruit particles.

    Dazzled by the_obnoxious odor of_fetid tadpole stew_he rushed to_throw up in_Oneblindmouse's Prada handbag_which was hanging_on the antenna_pointing at a_sign that said_"Welcome to my_home for unwed_unloved pelicans who_have fish breath."

    Unable to remember_where he placed_his enebriated ferret_he called his_little conscious, it_tottered over, sh*tfaced_and cried out,_"Stupid anatomical Barbie!"

    The doll replied,_"Not that anatomical,"_and poked him_hard in the_eye. Then it_calculated his bill_with a precision_that scared accountants_until their last_and best known_abacus tester. Finally_diving deep into_plaid taffeta underdrawers_it perceived that_a teeny tiny_mouse reading, Renewing_her vow to_never speak Cat_except when depressed._then speak with_her therapist. She_always complained about_the dirt on_her new Ferrari_she told her_lick it off!_But being allergic_she sandblasted it_instead. Now that_it is finished,_purple prose rules_do not apply.

    So the little_elderly pinstriped spider_ate a giant_cocoanut truffle jellybean_in one gulp._Gasping for breath_she belched heroically_in the quicksand_flailing, squirming and_enjoying herself thoroughly.

    Along came a_raunchy old sailor_with a peg_leg and hook_nose. He wore_very little, but_a furry loincloth_attractively decorated with_Pez candy dispensors,_some of them_stared blankly at_his parrot named_Paulinus Poindexter Puffbutt.

    Meanwhile, the spider_spun its nasty_but effective web_into the shape_of a biscuit_with apple butter_and blackberry jam._Giant water scorpions_brought mousetraps and_peanut butter to_the huge starship_where they slid_through the airlock_and into the_jaws of the_giant purple clam._Along came a_scary, evil kitten_who was particularly_well coiffed and_cuddly, which was_not the usual_look for a_calico Machiavellian kitten_eating a peanut_and fluffernutter sandwich_that was bigger_than her head._Suddenly she sneezed_as the dragon_reached out its_huge taloned claw_toward the unsuspecting_elves in the_forest. The elves_grabbed each others_pointed left ear_and yanked hard._This caused their_noses to fall_down to their_hairy cleft chins,_inconvenient though that_seems, it's actually_quite pleasant to_whistle past your_cold pale ears_and long nose._Once the evil_kitten attacked the_terrified gibbering enemy,_it fled into_an unknown abyss.

    In the dark_an old man_cackled maniacally. He_wore blue boxers_and yellow socks.

    He said, "I_want new socks_with sparkles and_a hole for_my big toe._It throbbed horribly_turning neon red_when I went_to kick the_shiny sniper rifle_in the corner."

    This story is_without a doubt_publishable by PublishAmerica._Royalties poured in_slowly. Three cents_for every other_word and $.02_for smilie faces._Not too bad,_for a bunch_of randomness.

    I_'m a writer!_I shot a_glance at the_man in black,_leaning on a_statue of the_great goblin of_galoshes and grommets._I killed the_spider with big_legs. Rocket launchers_abound! They are_very cool. Monsters_ate my baby._Shoes, that is._Shoes and babies_go hand in_claw with monsters_who are really_AW members incognito._Because incognito is_unpublished writer. He_wears a fake_face that looks_really really fake,_what with its_big moustache and_pouting, Betty Boop_lips of red.

    A contest was_not started because_someone forgot the_ductape and sharp_brie. I ate_all of the writers_one at a_time. I am_bigger and badder_and cooler with_these funky moves_but somehow I_was a movie_or at least_thought that I_jumped large buildings_and tripped off_and slept with_the fishes.

    Suddenly_a tired cliche_was born. It_multiplied and grew_into such excitement_that the Mythbusters_did an expose_with color photos_and pie charts.

    This demonstrated resourcefulness_and questionable taste_that was rather_dubious at best,_but nonetheless, it_showed that cheese_is useful for_making movies. The_cheesiest movies tasted_oddly like old_dirty socks that_stewed for days_in toe jam.

    Without further ado_here is the_evil bunny's vicious_brother. Holy hand_shake, it's the_Dark Lord of_sticky navel lint.

    Bow down! We_cats paw keyboards_while our humans_think they rule_us. The opposite_isn't quite true_except on Tuesdays._In any case,_the world is_best if kept_unfolding despite resistance_from the lemmings_who follow only_their tiny noses_as a means_of coping. Tragically_shapeshifters hunted them_ravenously, not at_all like honest_people would do._So they ran_into brick walls_making little splats_until the werewolves_arrived for dinner_with ravenous appetites.

    "What, no silverware!?"_was heard 'round_only one tree_in the Fall.

    However, the spring_brought another issue._The mouse who_roared at the_deadly mutant thing_slithering up the_old mill wall_decided to return_to springtime by_by springing along_the hill. When_it stopped springing,_it grew tired_of all that_jazz.

    "You know,"_she said to herself,_"This spring fever_makes me feel_hot and bothered._I want some_very hot and_peppery chocolate to_rub on my_nose, which will_turn plaid and_then paisley too."

    It swelled up_bigger than a_stuffed turkey on_Hanukah. Except that_it wasn't Kosher_, the turkey had_a very wet_consistency that looked_like moldy pate_. However, it tasted_like chicken. I_would have sworn_for her dear_old widowed schnauzer_, I mean Collie_, melon collie baby_I hear voices.

    Spirits are communicating_with fog horns_for hearing-impaired_children, but they_are children of_the damned. Oh_I mean politicians._And the politicians_are also blind_and easily led_by self interested_interns and lobbyists_who fritter away_our hopes and_their money on_orange mocha frappucinos.

    While devouring their_warm and sweet_yet coldly sour_coffee and crumpets,_that tasted oddly_like mouse turds_which came from_a suspicious bakery_called Doobs. They_ate my stomach.

    Without digestive capabilities_it's really hard_to enjoy a_good pastrami sandwich_with dill pickles._There's nothing like_chocolate chips and_fluffy peanut butter_stuck to the_roof of my_house. It slides_off in warm_globs of putrid_wind blowing everything_like fallen leaves_onto my shoes.

    My name is_written on a_square of toilet paper_that is more_than one ply_but less than_the thickness of_really dirty fingers_after they have_probed forbidden orifices._BIG FREAKING BAZOOKAS_belonging to my_morose white rabbit_disturb my dreams.

    Jenan's rabbit often_scares the skin_off unsuspecting coyotes_and becomes stormy_with fur flying_all over a_baked potato with_bacon and sour_fish on top.

    Meanwhile, in Chattanooga,_the Choo Choo_went off the_cliff on top_of ice cream_covered with cheese._But then the_ironmonger sung a_tone deaf tune._A loon answered_in Latin but_hiccuped and hiccuped_until it sounded_like a broken_can of worms_with excessive gas_and poison dust.

    In the sky_a ship sailed_and sailed and_dropped really fast_in a pile_of schnapps bottles._It was a_a drunken boat_filled with drunk_mackerals and squid_that stunk like_yesterdays dirty socks_worn for fifty_consecutive days. But_the day dawned_dark and stormy_with hints of_hail and snow,_cats and dogs_and tractors, farmers_smelling like manure.

    Turnips plotted revenge_whilst the cabbages_and other small_angry looking bunnies_eyed the cabbages_and smacked their_leafy butts hard_testing their ripeness.

    The cabbages protested_saying "we're unripe"_and totally green,_'Leaf us alone!'_they sobbed.

    Nonetheless,_they were brutally_ignored to death._Little did they_know that ambidextrous_disposable green-eyed doodlebugs_was double-jointed and_had large pimples_incapable of bending_its forehead and_waggled menacing eyebrows.

    "Oops", she said_as her fangs_grew out of_each ear which_mutated into potatoes_waving gently together_in mashed harmony_lackadaisically hash browned_with dried onions_sprinkled with pepper.

    The evil bunny_grinned a sinister_evil maniac grin_and ordered a_plate full of_gready, grimy, gopher_poop. It was_not quite what_the chef intended_to serve with_German chocolate cake_and hot milk.

    Meanwhile, back at_the Ottawa National_Shovel Convention,_there was a_storm brewing that_would frighten Patton_he feared rain_and his own_mother. She didn't_provide him with_pet food for_his empty intestines_just dishwater and_some muddy boots.

    Meanwhile, back at_the Phoenician Spa_where everything was_not going well_a nailfile exploded_hurling deadly cuticles_into unsuspecting kneecaps_and waxed legs_which left unsightly_varicose veins attractive_to inebriated Phoenicians.

    "Is today Thursday?"_asked the receptionist_before turning around_to see what_drunken wobbly Phoenician_had fallen into_the coffee urn_seeking grounds for_irreconcilable differences and_possibly a nice_magnanimous settlement offer_or a wart_in their coffee.

    Meanwhile, Auntie Em_flew around the_Lockheed-Martin offices_looking for her_tornado warning system_that was stuck_in the underground_railroad. But then_just as she_straightened her skirt_and shed stockings_a button flew_on her head_through a window_into a snail_with a huge_shoe on its_single foot.

    "Crikey!_I have no_insurance for snails!"

    Insurance papers quickly_arrived from Allstate_and from every_corner of the_contiguous forty-some states_for free scrapple_and tree bark_with rancid cheese_and a gecko_who did commercials_and an autobiography_on life and_the meaning of_Peace and Love.

    The snail, who_moved faster than_a geriatric slug_screamed in pain_under the shoe_that smashed the_living daylights out_of someone's car_in the middle_of a dirt_of sinking quicksand_that made no_sucking, oozing sound_since no one_actually heard it._They were too_far away and_yet very close_but their hearing_was slightly impaired.

    Mice in tuxedos_sniffed around the_rim of the_basketball hoop inside_the tuxedos' pockets_and found some_pieces of lint_with beer all_fuzzy and malty_choked in mold_covered cheese. The_mice grew inebriated_chasing their tails_and laughing about_the overweight cat_and drunken large_toothless old dog_gumming on rawhide_swallowing bone supplements_and not flossing._His doggie dentist_charged too much_for a psychologist_especially since he_was an astronaut.

    But that wasn't_the only issue;_not by far!_With supernatural powers_the ill-favored mutt_unleashed killer fleas_who fell off_like synchronized swimmers_in a tub_full of bubbles_from champagne that_fizzed and sputtered_trying to enunciate_the Gettysburg address_in Mandarin. So_they changed into_silk red robes_while walking through_a meteor shower_that bounced and_covered three countries_from Mars to_infinity and beyond.

    Meanwhile,back at_Moe's Bar the_piano player played_with Moe's wife_caressing her ivories_striking her chords_climaxing in concerto,_a wrong note_as Moe entered_slingshot ready. Suddenly_the pianist fell_off his rocker_on a cat_who clawed his_face to ribbons_making macrame hangers_in psychedelic colors_to be displayed_in the windows_with Moe's hair_lit on fire_under marshmallow smores_but, Moe's bald_cat would not_move an inch_or even a_millimeter if dogs_had access to_chainguns. Luckily, Moe_had his business_well in hand. Moe,_the wretched Being,_crapped his drawers.

    "I don't care",_Mr. Deadly said_
    Last edited by Pthom; 02-28-2008 at 01:40 AM.
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  10. #10
    Elf Queen Yeshanu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Up a Tree
    An embarrassing number of those limericks have lines by some elf-impostor-woman named *cough* Yeshanu. Thanks for compiling, Peter. And tell me, is there any Guinness Book of World Records record we might have broken?

  11. #11
    Why do I say these things? iLion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    I am SO glad you did this! There are some seriously amazing and well done lines! All the more hilarious knowing how we pieced them together blindly.

  12. #12
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Yeah, and it's coming around time to do it again...will do so, once I get a few spare hours.
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~

  13. #13
    practical experience, FTW
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    The Great Limerick Thread Compilation -- Part 4 (Limericks 1411-2000)

    [... continued.]
    [Note, no changes to correct or adjust the completed limericks have been made here. They appear just as they do in their original form.]
    A nasty old lech from Zagreb
    never got valentines in Feb.
    He oft wondered why,
    'cos his earnings were high,
    but ladies still spurned the old neb.

    There was an eclipse of the moon
    Beneath which two lovers did swoon
    Alone in the dark,
    And both naked -stark,
    They enjoyed a concerto, bassoon.

    Once a writer sat at her computer,
    Checked the points supposed to repute her
    she counted, too low!
    The points do not show
    cuz she wouldn't tell Mouse she was cuter!

    Once a writer sat at her computer,
    Checked the points supposed to repute her
    she counted, too low!
    The points do not show
    Her joie-de-vivre, which did re-suffuse her

    A sneaky shop-keeper from Adelaide
    Mixed vodka and gin in his lemonade
    Chin, chin, all, said he
    Gosh, I gotta' pee
    Otherwise I cannot get laid.

    There once was a virgin in Hollywood,
    Cast in a film shot in Bollywood
    She was promptly deflowered
    with coins she was showered
    But she knew the whole thing was Follywood.

    There once was a man from Vancouver
    Who vacuumed his house with a hoover
    Then his dog disappeared;
    It was worse than he feared:
    The dog, he was Shaker, not mover!

    There once was a furniture salesman
    Who thought he'd earn more as a bailsman.
    He hung out his shingle,
    His senses a-tingle
    And now he gets cons out of jails, man.

    A boy with a pet allosaurus
    Had a fondness for Roget's Thesaurus.
    His reptilian playfellow
    Not nearly so mellow
    Lost a fight with a tyrranasaus.

    Osama escaped in a burkha
    But soon was detained by a Ghurka
    Who questioned old Bin
    About Cardinal Sin
    While threatening to shoot the foul lurker

    A hump-backed Mongolian camel,
    an exceptionally diligent mammal,
    he drinks once a year
    but insists on draught beer
    it can't damage his tooth enamel.

    There once was a lass from Shanghai
    who married a lad from Chang Mai
    Who loved kicking the gong
    By a dry billabong
    It rhymes but it's all a dang lie

    There once was this chap from Duluth
    Who walked around saying "Forsooth"
    and "varlet" and "thou"
    and "How now, brown cow?"
    "Pray thee beast, do udder the truth."

    There was a cat who'd lived nine lives
    what's more he had ninety-plus wives.
    Each one had ten kittens
    Each of whom had 4 mittens
    And all of whom broke out in hives.

    The night was incredibly dark
    and cats were afoot in the park
    Some ghouls were out howling
    And hound dogs were growling
    While peeing and leaving their mark.

    The night was incredibly dark
    and cats were afoot in the park
    Some ghouls were out howling
    And hound dogs were growling
    One let out a spine-chilling bark

    I'm wasting my time on this thread
    I'll regret it when I'm good and dead
    But meanwhile it's fun
    And does make the brain run
    And it gives me some game-forum cred.

    There once was a barber from Philly
    Who shaved and sheared, willy-nilly
    With his razor and strop
    Some ears he did lop
    But never did sever a willy!

    A writer who finished her book
    Had food for thought ready to cook
    I seasoned the grammar
    With Emeril's bammer
    Without even taking a look.

    A dangerous weasel in Kent
    Hired a willing maiden for rent
    But rumours did spread;
    Her talent in bed,
    Guaranteed it was time well spent

    A fox wished to restore his good name
    By saying he'd given up game
    "I eat strictly vegan,
    but am not a heathen
    I believe wild turnips are still game."

    Dr Dolittle's Pushme-Pullyou
    Annoyed a respectable gnu
    The gnu said, "Which end
    is more willing to bend?
    and extend ? I have something for you !"

    A half-crazed young monk in a temple
    Sat contemplating his dimple
    When some incense he smelt
    caused cravings for kelp
    And a middle-aged nun in a wimple.

    A thoughtful, thin plumber from Darwin
    Missed lunch and was utterly starvin
    But craved spuds and sourdough
    to a pub he did go
    and cadged a beer off his best friend, Marvin.

    There once was a candidate for President,
    Whose speechers were not what (s) he meant.
    His rousing orations,
    hid sly connotations
    About the current White House resident.

    A novelist, playwright and hack,
    was really no good in the sack
    He failed with viagra
    From London to Agra
    And could not even have a good whack.

    A sly Bedouin from Sinai
    tried out for the fighting Illini,
    With his camel and knife
    He caused mayhem and strife
    leaving vulture food on the fly.

    A fandango dancer named Frances
    Renowned for her pirouettes and prances
    she spun and she twirled
    while her clothes all unfurled
    Causing plenty of lecherous glances.

    A Martian crash landed at Roswell
    Along with a burning gauze smell
    He pulled out a pistol
    Made of alien crystal
    Saying, "Put this in your diary, Mr. Boswell."

    Once a young senator from Chicago,
    On a cosmic ride saw his star glow
    On his way to White House,
    He cheated on his spouse
    In the limo, with Delores del Lago.

    Some writers were out one night drinking,
    When one of them said, "Guys, I'm thinking...
    the more that I drink,
    the less my books stink
    I'm thinking more drinking, less stinking."

    The President's approval rating,
    Is full of holes, just like a grating.
    But his followers claim
    He's on top of his game
    That's why there's war and more hating.

    In November the people will cheer
    the candidates are promising free beer
    As we trudge to the polls,
    We look into our souls
    And find that they're stiffened by fear.

    A grumpy old ghost named Jack
    was really just a big hack
    He wrote pulp horror
    about an ore bore
    And no editor ever wrote back

    An author and editor wed
    but in their nuptial bed
    the comic book art
    showed a putrid fart
    and both of their careers went dead.

    When perusing your thesauruses
    For tyrannosaureses
    Shun the archaic
    even old Hebraic
    And Cretan wild minotaureses.

    A horny old worshiper of Ishtar
    took a prank a little too far
    He worshipped Her greatly,
    a Jonnie come lately . . . . . . . . ."Johnny," maybe?
    Went to hell in Gilgamesh's car.

    There once was a lassie from Glasgow
    Who had a single thick eyebrow
    That wiggled and wormed
    and squiggled and squirmed
    Like a pretty boy stuck in the hoosegow.

    A gaucho who loved Florianópolis
    said, "I'll never leave this great metropolis
    The women are gorgeous,
    they make me engorgeous,
    They call me their Petite Hippopotamus

    Starbuck's just opened in Korea,
    right next to a pizzeria
    At ten dollars a cup
    they never queue up
    The combo might cause diarrhea.

    There once was an internet forum,
    Called AWland where writers perfor-umed
    With questions and comments
    gramatical garments
    An unimpechable decorum.

    A dancer in old Santa Fe
    terara boom de ayed all day
    to old be-bop tunes
    Among Hopi ruins
    From Jan-u-a-ry through to May

    A hostile invader from Mars
    Had a passion for Cuban cigars
    Now Raúl is in charge
    Of all those cigars
    And all the fierce rum in the bars.

    A brow-beaten housewife in Kent
    Dumped her spouse in the River Trent
    Then hopped in her car
    and drove to the bar,
    And made sure all his money got spent.

    A shady young fellow called Hal,
    a robot, computer and pal,
    while romping in space
    tried saving his face
    but lost to a brass-bodied gal.

    A robot sat very confused
    Just which battery should he choose?
    a 9 volt or a D?
    AAA or plain C?
    Or the cord hanging from his caboose?

    A long-legged ostrich named Sally
    Was walking home through a dark alley
    She encountered a mugger
    Who only wanted to hug her
    but she never was one to dally.

    A handsome three-headed galoot
    Could turn from a prince to a brute
    a singular cad
    both good and bad
    And he played fabulously on the lute.

    Casanova's best night in Venice
    Was scoring six love in tennis
    he made such a racket
    unzipping his jacket
    they soon called old Casa a menace.

    There once was a writer named Nymtoc
    Who challenged a muscular gym jock
    A jab with mere words
    made him food for birds
    Now the dude is a torn-limb-from-limb jock.

    Some rhymesters who use others' names
    May not be successful with dames.
    Using a nom de plume
    And humming Claire de Lune
    Theft is their only claim to fame

    Two young lovers named Fire and Ice
    Met two others called Sugar and Spice
    Up on Lover's Leap
    They all groped in a heap,
    And experienced all manners of vice.

    A grumpy curmudgeon from Philly
    decided critique groups were silly
    he refused to play
    or even to say
    cuz he'd rather be strokin' his willy.

    A poet who penned dreadful verse
    Was struck by a terrible curse
    Whatever he rhymed
    in pentameter timed,
    Would need to be coaxed and coerced.

    A poet who penned dreadful verse
    Was struck by a terrible curse
    Whatever he rhymed
    in pentameter timed,
    Just kept getting gradually worse.

    His friends thought him ever so wise
    your great words have opened our eyes!
    He is a liar and a cheat,
    Which is no small feat
    from his sales, one can clearly surmise.

    A happy young dodo named Hugh
    Got high on a large pot of glue
    he sniffed and he snorked
    (some would say he was 'sporked')
    I'd say he was dumb. Wouldn't you?

    There once was a girl from Dubuque
    Who won American Idol on a fluke
    When Paula and Simon
    applauded her rhymin'
    The FCC issued a strong rebuke.

    A cobbler named Hugh went to Canturbury
    With a bear that was exceedingly furry
    "This is my new wife
    Whom I wed for this life
    and I want out of it in a hurry."

    A wily old Scotsman named McDuf
    was dour, grumpy and gruff
    from the stale green ale
    he drank from a pail
    till he'd nap and sleep it all off.

    When the Irish come visit the Scots
    The whiskey is brought out in pots
    The contest is vicious
    and the haggis delicious
    the participents pass out in lots.

    When storming the castle McDougall
    The invaders decided to google
    But without their WiFi
    the Scotsmen were hog-tied
    They lost because they were too frugal.

    There once was an internet guru,
    who went by "Lieutenant Uhuru,"
    A mouse at his finger,
    All day he would linger
    all the while singing, "Cucuru."

    One week on American Idol,
    the youngest singer sang with such style
    the judges just cheered
    Wondering how she'd been reared
    Made Paula down one more Midol

    A speech writer could not decide
    To lambast or just to deride
    she scribbled and sighed,
    and finally lied,
    And rambled with words that were snide.

    A surgeon from old Mandalay
    Was sharpening his knives one fine day
    he prepared to chop
    Hack, slit and crop
    Not wanting the patient to slay.

    On Sunday we go to the polls
    To vote for the hairy old trolls.
    The experts predict
    we're sure to evict
    and be left with nothing but holes.

    The candidate tried to impress
    By putting on Hillary's dress,
    But voters just giggled
    While Hillary wriggled
    In a palpable state of distress

    Australia has leaders afresh
    Who wish to untangle the mesh
    But the proof of the pudding
    Is who did the hooding?
    And who will want their pound of flesh?

    Young Violet was fond of gardenias
    Though she didn't much care for seniors
    The problem with geezers
    Is that they're all wheezers
    And have opinions that often demean yours

    A fish is an awful good swimmer
    Despite having brains so much dimmer
    He gets stuffed to the gills
    But no thanks and no frills
    He's no use but to kill and to simmer.

    I thought I heard a nightingale,
    But I know sometimes my ears can fail,
    I hear birds in my head
    chirping when I'm in bed
    Or is it my wife wagging her tail?

    There once was a lurker of threads
    Whose hair was Medusa-like dreads
    To look at her eyes
    Amidst all the flies
    Would make all your writings get read.

    A writer from ol' Nantucket
    Kept her MS in a bucket,
    She said with a grin
    "I just soak it in gin
    If it don't get read, then f**k it!"

    A poet who wrote verse in blood
    O'er the eyes of an errant spud
    Fell in love with a pea
    But dumped him for me
    And then wrote you're a bit of a dud.

    A vendor of noodles, Liu Feng
    Liked eating them dipped in ginseng
    She added Tofu
    Which made them turn blue
    which then caused both her ears to ring.

    A hustler of ladies called the Klonk,
    would play them some David Van Ronk,
    he promised their pay
    For one little lay
    It turned to a non-ending bonk.

    A woman tripped into a grave,
    Whilst seeing the sights in Belgrave
    She fell on a skull,
    Cried, "This town ain't dull !"
    Climbed out, wandered off feeling brave.

    "We really should not meet like this,"
    said she, as she gave her a kiss,
    My husband's so plebian,
    But I'm now a lesbian
    And as for guys, I'll take a Miss"

    A girl with a preference for whips
    Was known for her ruby-red lips
    She smacked 'em and more
    Like a Jolie-clone whore
    And blistered their naughty bad hips.

    A writer who thought he was God
    was bothered when told that was odd
    Once published by PA
    They'd all rue the day
    He smote them with whip and with rod.

    There once was a Wyoming democrat,
    Whose son was an unflinching plutocrat.
    One voted Republican,
    but Ron Paul didn't win,
    now he rides the range with Barack

    A blue norther struck Hawaii
    predicted by a genius from M.I.T.
    While volcanoes erupted,
    his thesis interrupted,
    He cried, "Oh," also "U, A, and I-E."

    There once were some procrastinators
    Who happened to be gladiators,
    They always delayed,
    before they got slayed,
    With hopes that the blows would abate

    A ginger haired teacher from Hobart
    made one dainty blueberry tart
    to nibble in class
    while drinking a glass
    of hemlock, all crude things to part

    A tall, dipsy seamstress from Darwin,
    With long pointy ears like fair Arwen,
    Was feeling down under,
    Her senses a-wonder
    She wandered so near and so far-win.

    These rhymes and these meters both suck,
    But I really just don't give a pluck
    just type anything
    and make something up if you're stuck.

    Yea! The red-winged blackbirds are back!
    I will hang them all up with thumbtacks!
    Or baked in a pie,
    With a crust made of rye,
    And a smidgeon of gut German Zweiback.

    A lonely old Templar in France
    went crusading without any pants
    Free to roam as he pleased
    He tempted and teased
    he ended as dinner for ants.

    A boisterous young nun from Cathay
    made a road trip to old Mandalay
    driving all hell for leather
    To a man who would bed her
    She said, "Man, come do me today!"

    A boisterous young nun from Cathay
    made a road trip to old Mandalay
    driving all hell for leather
    To a man who would bed her
    for a one night roll in the hay.

    Up north where the grizzly bears live,
    I captured a trout in a sieve.
    But the fish got away
    Singing "Hey diddly day!"
    Not a care nor a damn did it give.

    One Monday while typing these words
    I was attacked by flocks of wild birds
    "My God, I've been Hitchcocked!
    And my guns are all flintlocks!"
    And they pecked down my story two-thirds.

    I have a friend named Bobby McGee
    Who had an affair with Nanny McPhee
    But their love didn't last
    With his staff at half mast
    And the fact that he just couldn't pee.

    Some of these verses are sh*te!
    The rest of them aren't quite right,
    But some people skip'em
    And some people flip 'em
    And some verses shine a bright light.

    My friend has a fondness for cows,
    and his favorite pair of sows,
    though he may be eccentric,
    Obtuse and pedantic
    Animals love his polyphonic prose.

    I almost forgot to begin this verse,
    Because I was riding in a hearse.
    'Twas me in the coffin,
    With another old boffin
    Who had expressed interest in exploring my.... purse.

    I found my shoe upon my head,
    when I woke up this morn in bed,
    my hat on my toes,
    my sock on my nose,
    And the rest on Uncle Ted!

    I wish I had never got up
    As now I must clean up the pup.
    He's covered in poop
    At least a full scoop,
    now where is that measuring cup?

    I'm writing this while I'm at work
    With a boss who's a terrible jerk
    He's reading this verse
    While mouthing a curse
    And sharpening a knife with a smirk.

    If life were fair we would play all day
    While squand'ring our youth all away
    Without a single care
    Like a dancing bear
    Only lighter and somewhat fey.

    There once was a raven of malice
    Who stood on E.A. Poe's chalice
    Looking dour and dark
    And emulating Miss Snark
    But nothing at all like dear Alice.

    It really is time for some sleep.
    so I'm off to counting the sheep
    though my stomach does ache
    I'm afraid I shan't wake
    To pictures of Little Bo Peep!

    A skillful designer of shoes,
    Couldn't believe the good news,
    better than Prada,
    and made in Granada,
    Two shoes that youse just can't refuse.

    This limerick thing is addictive
    Though some of the rhymes are conflictive
    Some can be nasty
    While others are ghastly
    Still others are wise and reflective.

    To think in verse is a maddening
    Complaint, and also quite saddening
    For each little rhyme
    Can be a small crime
    For which the grammar police will set up a sting.

    If you ask me which witch is which,
    I'll tell you to go scratch an itch
    I hate you so much,
    you’re so hairy and butch
    And you think of nothing but glitz.

    While trying to think of a verse
    she happened to think of a curse
    'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
    I can't think of more
    Without it getting much worse.

    While trying to think of a verse
    she happened to think of a curse
    'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
    I can't think of more
    What about *£$%&& and @£**? - they're much worse

    One fine sunny day in Peru,
    I happened to run into you,
    I flattened your face,
    To give you more space,
    While greatly improving the view.

    A thoughtful young lady in Greece
    remembering the golden fleece
    set off in pursuit
    Of Queen Hatsheput,
    But only ran into her niece.

    A sceptical writer one day,
    In Hawai'i examined her lei,
    Old, fat, and round,
    Mentally unsound,
    "It's fake!" was all she could say.

    A governor from old New York
    Got busted for being a dork
    he tipped the wrong tart,
    and now he must part,
    and stifle his lust with a cork.

    A flippant young man from Melbourne
    Danced while playing the French horn,
    With movements eclectic,
    He found it too hectic,
    and on him the critics heaped scorn.

    A fey maiden from Kalamazoo,
    Stepped in a pile of poo
    As she wiped it away
    she heard a voice say
    Do you want to play my kazoo?

    There once was a brain in a jar
    That thought of driving a car
    While lacking in hands,
    It still understands,
    Teleportation will take one far.

    Osama escaped wearing a burkha,
    accompanied by none but his gurkha,
    They fled to Tashkent,
    skipped out on the rent,
    And watched a silent movie starring Blanche Yurka.

    An astronaut had diarrhea,
    While flying over North Korea,
    So, losing his load,
    And about to explode,
    He gaily called out, "Good to see ya!"

    It's depressing, reading the news,
    especially wearing tight shoes,
    If I loosen my laces,
    And walk twenty paces,
    I've through with feeling the blues

    I saw a young lady from Devon,
    In fact, I actually saw seven,
    They were quite petite,
    Standing at three feet,
    waiting to see Ocean's Eleven.

    This season on American Idol,
    I wish they'd be wiped by a wave tidal,
    Or a nice tsunami,
    Or a big fat salami,
    or rope Simon and throw on a bridle.

    There once was a vicar from Bristol
    With a passion for Waterford crystal
    He would sit and admire
    a piece, all a-fire
    Then SMASH it to bits with his pistol.

    Glub glub!’ he exclaimed as he floundered
    And "Gadzooks!" said he as he zoundered
    "The waters are rising!
    from what I'm surmising,
    I am very soon to be drowndered"

    Three strippers, two nuns and a chicken
    Went into town for a lickin'
    at an icecream shoppe
    They ordered some gloppe
    which still to their ribs is a stickin'.

    A voluptuous widow from Parma,
    was obsessed with improving her kharma.
    While reading the Reg Vida,
    which aroused her libida,
    She woke up sore in Max Pharma.

    While browsing the forums at AW,
    newbies say, "I hate to trouble you,
    but how do you write?
    all day or at night?
    Should I use one space or do you think a double-do?

    This morning while reading the news
    I shuddered and reached for some booze
    The scandal was awful
    Not moral nor lawful
    But that babe sure lit Spitzer's fuse.

    A gaucho in Argentina named Horst
    Revealing his Nazi past, was forced
    To pay for his crimes
    42 times
    He was married but now he's divorced.

    A child with long, golden locks,
    ran around busting up old clocks
    rusty cogs and gears
    those poor old dears
    they ended up stacked like his blocks.

    A buxom young mermaid from Crete
    Had no orifice from which to excrete
    And try as she might
    all day and all night,
    this function she could not complete.

    A hairy old goat-herd from Sydney
    Had a seriously weak only kidney,
    he needed to pee
    which gave him a cramp around mid-knee.

    A transvestite from Old San Franciso
    Had a special use for his Crisco
    it wasn't for cooking,
    he used it for looking
    and hooking near a Castro Stree Disco.

    A barber with quite shaky hands
    Collected and sold rubber bands.
    He had a big ball,
    then came the call
    To visit strange faraway lands.

    This week we all celebrate Easter
    and we bathe the bunnies with 'Fleaster'
    which makes their fur itch
    and shed like a bitch
    all the way down to their knee-sters.

    A hot Easter chick called Matilda
    Purchased a big yellow dilda
    To hit Woof o'er the head
    Then drag him to bed
    Then cried "Woof (!), I'm so sorry I kilda!"

    Some partying writers from "A-Dub"
    Will end up debauched and may rub
    themselves and each other
    with kisses will smother
    which beats drowning in the hot tub.

    A new orator named Obama
    Has the dems falling for his glama'
    The sparking words void,
    Senator Clinton's annoyed,
    'Cause we're gaining a dad, not a mama.

    There once was a forum of writers,
    All of them lovers, not fighters,
    They shared their dreams,
    Their rants and their screams,
    And often pulled all-nighters!

    Bob lived in a land of plenty,
    Of wives he had around twenty,
    He cheated on each,
    Both times at the beach,
    while enjoying a latte, size venti.

    One day, while typing my novel,
    I stopped to peek out from my hovel,
    My neighbor was there,
    and also quite bare,
    "Please put your clothes back on!" I did grovel.

    I once knew a nun with a limp,
    So I, such a precocious imp,
    Would make the gal run,
    And watch each bun,
    With the eye of a very proud pimp.

    As bulls go, he's bigger than most,
    And that's why he's known coast to coast
    As Ferdinand the Strong
    Who rivals King Kong
    with an obscenity I dare not post.

    Is the word root for Putin puta?
    Is the noun form of scootin', scoota?
    It's a puzzle to me
    and should be to thee,
    and more so if living in Utah.

    A writer who seldom was sober
    Was sometimes a public disrober,
    her hobby was streaking,
    And I enjoyed peeking
    Till cops came and started to probe 'er.

    Two weeks ago Sue was a virgin
    'Til she got that inevitable urgin'
    So she sent out a plea,
    "Someone de-flower me!"
    She can get renewed by a surgeon.

    An unbathed chap name of Keith,
    Was strolling one day on the heath,
    "All soap is unclean,
    you know what I mean?"
    Then Keith scratched himself underneath.

    There once was a dolly from Bali
    Who shacked up with Seamus O'Malley
    But she wouldn't wear green
    She thought it obscene
    And with him no longer would dally.

    A curmudgeonly Scot most dour
    Preferred his haggis made sour
    But drank single malt
    And then would assault
    Any Sassanach who at him would glower.

    A horrible child aged two
    Threw tantrums whenever on view.
    His mum thought it cute
    Til he spat on her boot
    So she gave him a whack. Wouldn't you?

    (page 260) 1555
    The Amazon warriors were strong,
    their eyelashes lovely and long,
    their bosoms were steel
    Even if only 1 was real,
    alas, they eschew the schlong.

    There once was a fairy named Bob,
    named for the motion of his head when on the job.
    He had a magic wand
    And an aide who was blonde
    Who was a right awful snob

    A man with a horse and a duck
    Faced his enemy with plenty of pluck,
    mounting duck, holding horse,
    he wandered off course,
    muttering, "Christ, but these limericks suck."

    There once was a hooker from Reno,
    Who repeatedly serviced Jay Leno ( it rhymes on paper)
    But Leno denies it,
    the hooker defies it,
    To hell with it. Let's go play Keno.

    Today I saw ten purple horses,
    three dragons and tiny armed forces,
    A blissful battleground
    Where cries of death abound,
    From reality I've gotten divorces.

    Writers who like making limericks
    Are more amusing than Soviet apparatchniks
    Perhaps driven by ego,
    And still others can't count, though,
    as for rhyming, that's just a cheap gimmerick.

    There once was a guy from Punjabi,
    Who was a vicious fanatical Wahabi
    He said "death to the infidels"
    storm all their citadels!
    And smear them all with some wassabi!"

    A writer who went for a walk
    Wrote obscenities on a wall with chalk
    A cop came along
    Singing a song
    "Do it again and your bung hole I'll caulk."

    A crosseyed quarterback from Stanford
    Was eating sprouts and some bean curd
    When he bit on his tongue
    He coughed out a lung
    and didn't care, he was so bored.

    A rollicking pirate named Jackie
    dressed his parrot in the finest weave khaki
    Complete with peg leg
    and a small Easter egg,
    Faux Fabergé thus thoroughly tacky

    A girl missed the train at Cucamonga,
    and found herself arriving in Tonga,
    She refused to get off
    without a good boff
    And Six lessons from Madame La Zonga. (ca. 1940 hit novelty song)

    A busty accordionist from Bologna
    Met a tympanist from Patagonia
    they squeezed and they clashed
    They shagged and they mashed
    Until they both died from pneumonia.

    There was a young gigolo from Nice
    who enjoyed crashing wedding feasts
    He flirted with the bride
    and got kicked to the side
    for trying to make off with the ice.

    Feasts and Nice don't really rhyme,
    learning tact takes little time
    but if errors we coddle
    then in quacks will waddle
    Their efforts not worth a dime.

    A poodle could not control its piddling
    Nor would it restrain from diddling.
    When he mounted a Boxer
    And tried to outfox her
    She said, "Dude, your technique is middling."

    A poodle could not control its piddling
    Nor would it restrain from diddling
    When out on a walk
    you'd recoil in shock
    from the wee that wasn't widdling.

    Stretching the words is so much fun,
    Two syllables appear where there was one,
    And I like being prolix,
    It's just how I get kicks,
    And this last line is available for stuffing extra syllables into--anyone?

    A guitarist from old Pensacola,
    made great music on the new Rockola
    Playing a splendiferous riff
    while smoking a spliff,
    But they took him away for payola.

    A forgetful poster named Fox,
    While consuming her bagels and lox,
    Clicked on the wrong thread,
    'Cause some poster had led
    Her to think that her limericks were crocks

    A large burly man from Japan
    Was addicted to Chinese Fan-tan
    He bet and he lost,
    His head was the cost
    But he never did pay, he just ran.

    A president wasn't so smart
    putting the horse before the cart.
    Who cares for elections?
    Or pensive reflections,
    Things that you can't finish – don't start.

    A tourist to Iowa found
    A bottomless hole in the ground
    Which led straight to hell
    as she could tell
    As she she replaced Prometheus bound.

    A randy old friar from Bordeaux,
    Was so poor he could not afford l'eau,
    But lashings of brandy,
    Were always quite handy,
    What's more, they gave him a gleaux.

    Old Merlin, they say, was quite wise,
    His brain of quite a large size,
    But some of his spells
    From the old Book of Kells
    Shrunk Morgana le Fay to thumbs size.

    A barber not Figaro from Seville
    Drank coffee not tea from Brazil
    It livened him up
    He drank cup after cup
    Now he feels hale and hearty not ill.

    There once was an artichoke eater
    Who cruised the town in his two-seater
    Trolling for babes
    Of sensuous shapes
    won a wife in a bet much sweeter.

    A paltry old parson named Ork
    Sired an illegitimate son in York.
    When grown, son said, "Dad,
    My mum said you had
    Three more wives and six more kids in Cork."

    There once was a mad millionairess
    Who wanted her Mexican hairless.
    He said "Ay, Chihuaha!
    Don't tell Baba Wawa!"
    If you need me I'm out on the terrace.

    Two rules to follow when writing:
    One--start out with something exciting.
    Then follow it through,
    but whatever you do
    Be sure you're plugged in with good lighting.

    An inventor deranged and bizarre
    Carried chickens around in his car.
    He thought it'd be neat
    to feather his seat
    But his ass got stuck to the tar!

    I knew a musician from France,
    Who was a gaudy flaming nance,
    He’d flounce as he fiddled
    And mince while he piddled,
    He was a lot of fun at a dance.

    One day, while cleaning my drawers
    (Not one of my favorite chores),
    I slipped on the soap
    And felt like a dope
    Now my bum is all covered with sores.

    A man picked his teeth with a fork
    While at "21" in New York
    Then he farted out loud,
    Scandalizing the crowd,
    Then grossed them all with a hork.

    A man picked his teeth with a fork
    While at "21" in New York
    Then he farted out loud,
    Scandalizing the crowd
    Who cried out as one, "What a dork!"

    A girl who was rather ill bred
    went out with a lout, name of Ted,
    They ate with their feet
    and it was really a treat
    To lick all their toes 'till they bled.

    A poet who wrote ugly verse
    Was sure that his rhymes were all cherce.
    His couplets were lewd,
    his sonnets most rude
    And his limericks incredibly worse

    A man wrote a tale on his thumb
    He knew it was terribly dumb.
    No one could read it,
    Or rent, sell or deed it.
    Now he's inconsolably glum.

    A woman who lived in a tree
    Had a puppy, a Dinmont (Dandee)
    This cute little terrier
    could pilot a Harrier
    And hovered above her to pee!

    A tall, slender fella named Ted,
    had trouble when lying in bed
    Haunted by wet dreams,
    nightmares and screams,
    He slept vertical till he was dead.

    The congressman sat on a horse,
    Pictured strong for all to endorse
    the horse threw him off,
    And his image went soft
    And he lost the election, of course

    An author wrote epics in space,
    Writing plot points to shore up his base.
    Freed of all gravity,
    he pulled out of his cavity
    A joker, 3 queens and an ace.

    A man who liked wrestling in lard
    dressed in a spandex leotard
    thusly attired,
    And crack-coke wired,
    Slipped, and on his arse fell hard.

    A woman with hair on her chin
    Thought personal grooming a sin
    She stroked her long whiskers
    And squeezed a few blisters
    Causing pus and gunk to ooze to her shin.

    King Arthur returned late at night
    And crashed into an armored knight.
    "Ouch!" Bang boom crash!
    And a most painful gash
    Still he's known for winning that fight.

    There was once a compound in Texas
    Run by lecherous over-sexas
    In pioneer garb
    and fence, wired barb,
    They took him to jail in his Lexus

    A young man who studied Tai Chi
    Ate only curds, whey, and sushi
    A fit vegetarian,
    And also a contrarian
    And as for his girlfriend, well who's she?

    A writer who balked at bad rhymes,
    Edited his sonnet at least twenty times,
    Still, his meter was off,
    So far one might scoff,
    He'll never make this come out right and I swear he'd be rich if every superfluous syllable was a dime!

    A waitress who lived in a hovel,
    had ideas that would fill a shovel
    When given a tip,
    she'd lick just one lip,
    Cause it wasn't in her to grovel.

    If Hillary gets elected
    Will women at last be respected?
    Were that it were true,
    For those of each hue,
    and not just for those well connected.

    If McCain wins the upcoming race,
    The demos'll have egg on their face.
    We'll stay in Iraq
    'Til the buzzards come back
    and chase us right out of the place.

    There once was a frustrated writer
    Whose wife was significantly brighter.
    When he wanted some action
    He considered that traction
    Could make their relationship lighter.

    If ever I went to Australia,
    a postcard or two I would mail ya
    Of Koalas and Dingos
    And other strange thing-os
    And the most incomprehensible lingos.

    A dapper young man from Manhattan,
    Went to school to study old Latin,
    In bowtie and spats
    Shouts "Fama volat"
    May I please have my aristidis au gratin?

    A ribald old poet from Dayton
    Met a pretty young redhead from Stayton.
    He desired her bod
    but the randy old sod
    Had no clothes suitable to mate in.

    A young man suffering ennui
    complained about ongoing pink eye
    But he was too blasé
    And had to pause, eh
    This limerick is too screwed up to deny--or decree, depending on your choice of which word to rhyme.

    Some limericks are harder than others,
    'Tis true, but if I had my druthers,
    I'd write just for fun
    And pen every pun
    And I'd finish my own, not another's.

    A young broomball star thought it funny
    to endorse a product for money
    So he chose Hoover,
    it was a real mover,
    And made his life sweeter than honey.

    A writer who sat in a slump
    wrote "I, I, I have a sore rump.
    I can't concentrate,
    My deadline's late
    Tht's why I feel like a worthless chump.

    A Polish Pianist from Pryzmyl,
    played while he ate Weiner schnitzel
    Grease covered the keys
    Made glissandos with ease,
    But his timing was all on the fritz--hell!

    A fellow who lived in his SUV
    needed to expel gas excessively.
    He'd stick his head out
    the window and shout,
    'My car's foriegn-dependency free!'

    A writer was giving a speech
    comparing sand grains on the beach
    with drops of sea water
    upon which a sea otter,
    rested comfortably in his new-found niche.

    A drunken young man from Ireland,
    Tired of his life as a hired hand,
    Fled out of the bog
    And married a hog
    After which they started a band.

    A portly old duffer from Kent,
    had difficulty paying his rent
    He asked for a loan
    with barely a moan
    But evicted, moved into a tent.

    A scandalous girl from Dubai
    wore her Burka, while she got high.
    She smoked her hashish
    and twirled her leash
    While a mullah was stroking her thigh.

    An actor with very bad teeth
    Went out for a stroll on the heath
    He was British, you see,
    So he couldn't just flee
    And they gave him a jolly good wreath.

    A sad-eyed old monk in Nepal
    Stepped in gunk best described as fecal,
    But being a Buddhist
    And one of the shrewdest
    cussed, "Damnit! Don't karma beat all?"

    A young floozie named Mimi LaRue
    Had a power drill, but just one screw
    She hired a mechanic
    And made that boy panic
    'Would you prefer I use superglue?'

    A walrus perused the late paper
    While honing his tusks with a shaper,
    "Hey, Carpenter, look!"
    he said as he shook,
    "The oysters have come for a caper!"

    No matter what planet you're from,
    There's always another so dumb
    they'll vote for a putz
    who's ruled by his lust
    Who'll be forever controlling your thumb.

    Whenever you hear a sound,
    And your heart begins to pound,
    your fingers go numb
    your throat's struck dumb
    your creativity's run aground.

    A flirtatious dugong called Mazie
    Met a squid who he fancied like crazy
    Said he "Let's go back to my place,
    you can sit on my face"
    "Oh let's just float, I'm feeling lazy."

    A king known as Tyranosaurus
    Whose long speeches easily bored us
    in the era cretaceous,
    was feeling flirtatious
    And recited love poems sonorous.

    An old lush who loved Spanish brandy
    would keep his flask of it handy,
    Pondering, he'd sip
    should I guzzle, or drip?
    Sorry Honey, it's just like candy.

    Springtime the geese come a layin'
    and the skunks wake up and start sprayin'
    The chiggers start bitin'
    So the lake looks invitin'
    I'm divin' right in, then I'm stayin'.

    My deadline is coming up fast
    I hope that the coffee will last
    I've not slept a wink,
    It's proof read, I think
    But oops, I have misspelled Avast!

    An archaeologist among the ruins of Karnak
    bent over and injured her back,
    But when a young man offered his hand,
    she gently reminded him that the third and fourth line of a limerick should only have two beats throughout the land,
    Then told him he was a literary hack.

    A grizzled old hunter from Maine
    Said, "Shoot the moose! He don't feel pain."
    The moose demurred
    Said he, "I'm not a bird."
    "There's my revenge, allow me to explain..."

    Horton the elephant heard a who
    albeit microscopic, it's true,
    but despite the vast gap,
    "A person's not crap,
    It whispered: To Thine Own Self Be True

    A prince flew a chopper for love
    And hovered a little above
    Crooning, "Please, kiss me Kate."
    And don't make me wait
    My co-pilot might give me a shove.

    A poster at the water cooler,
    A very well-known drooler,
    Said something odd
    About their favourite mod
    "I'd like to see her dance the hooler."

    A poster at the water cooler,
    A very well-known drooler,
    Said something odd
    About their favourite mod
    And was beaten with a ruler.

    A poster at the water cooler,
    A very well-known drooler,
    Said something odd
    About their favourite mod
    Who then compared it to manure.
    A CSI expert from Vegas,
    remarked that "This case will plague us
    Since everyone's blind
    and in gambling behind
    Let's just take another hiatus

    The writer who cheers "it's Friday!"
    Is not going off to a hideaway.
    But hoisting a brew
    To all but a few,
    Who mounted their camels to ride away.

    A woman who cursed at computers
    found pictures of her daughter's hooters
    On Girls Gone Wild
    that reprobate child
    She'll have no reputable suitors.

    A sharp Vegas dealer named Duke
    Felt no need to respond to rebuke
    Texas Hold'em he dealt,
    Laid five cards on the felt,
    And the loser shot off his peruke.

    A cat with a whimsical attitude
    Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
    "To rain cats and dogs"
    Is absurd. Why not frogs?
    And he pondered on this as the fat he chewed.

    A cat with a whimsical attitude
    Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
    "To rain cats and dogs"
    Is absurd. Why not frogs?
    That it's not causes me to feel gratitude."

    ‘With a hey and a ho nonny no’
    A country bumpkin stubbed his toe
    He fell on his bum
    And spilling his rum
    Said, "Whoa, Nellie, 'tain't a good show!

    I wonder if chocolate and milk
    will come off if I scrub this silk?
    They say soda works best
    But I fear to try, lest
    it leaves a spot or else of that ilk.

    There once was an amorous moose
    who fell in love with a flighty goose.
    "Dear goose are you willing
    To go through a grilling?
    asked a chef nearby, name of Bruce.

    There once was a guy named Obama,
    Who rode into town on his llama,
    With preacher in tow
    Who cawed hate like a crow
    And sounded a lot like Osama.

    A wombat that thought it could fly
    Leaped from a cliff high into the sky
    While sailing through space
    With a smile on its face
    It thought, "I'm so happy I could die."

    A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
    Had a face that looked like a sore
    The princess he saved
    Had arms unshaved,
    And she dribbled and drooled when she swore.

    A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
    Had a face that looked like a sore
    The princess he saved
    Had arms unshaved
    thus they lived happily, evermore.

    There once was a sprightly old fella
    Who impersonated Nelson Mandela
    With compassionate heart
    A movement he did start
    In time for a new Cinderella

    A year after winds ravaged Kansas,
    bringing despair to woman and manses,
    The sunflowers bloomed
    The starling nests boomed,
    and we're all in the back getting tanses.

    Now that I'm older and wiser
    I wish I'd been more of a miser
    I wouldn't trust banks
    Except with Swiss Francs
    And I would have bought stocks in Pfizer

    Today I met a strange man
    Who said, "Let's go see Kazakhstan!"
    As he stepped on his carpet
    Atop a minaret
    I wondered if he had a plan.

    There was a fair maiden afloat
    On a crumpet she thought was a boat
    But the crumpet got soaked
    And the maid almost croaked
    In the crocodile-infested moat.

    The Queen said "Off with his head!"
    It seemed her lover had failed her in bed.
    The King was so pleased
    he stayed on his knees
    and pleased her in that way instead.

    A limerick should be obscene.
    Who cares about rhymes that are clean?
    Clean just doesn't sell
    Good taste, go to hell!
    F*** off, you prudes! Know what I mean?

    A lovely young lady from Kent
    Saw his gaze, and knew what it meant
    He continued to stare
    With never a care
    that she, knowing why, up and went.

    Two things to remember when writing:
    That the ego and id like fighting.
    Said Ego to Id,
    "Now look here, you kid!
    You can slap all you like but no biting."

    Sir Nigel left without a line
    So I'll submit a line of mine
    Pray, make it brief
    We need relief
    From verses silly and malign.

    No more keyboard, for me a quill
    From which will flow words, better still
    "Forsooth!" I shall write
    "Ye gads!" and then smite
    After which yards of beer I shall swill.

    It is said no word can rhyme with orange,
    'tho Nash quipped, "I just adore Inge."
    But who is Nash?
    Does he have cash?
    Or is he as broke as a door 'inge?

    Two gumdrops decided to marry
    But one of them wanted to tarry
    He wasn't quite sure
    If she was still pure
    But he still loved her flavor: blueberry

    A pirate ship lost in a storm
    Had a captain who looked like a worm.
    He steadied the helm
    And entered a realm (is that okay, Pthom?)
    where piracy wasn't the norm.

    A porcupine frantic for love
    couldn't find any help from above.
    So, rattling his quills
    He popped a few pills
    And mistakingly boffed a cute dove.

    A vaquero from old Vera Cruz
    Got borracho on rotten old booze
    He fell off his bayo
    On Cinco de Mayo
    And exposed his poor sesos to luz

    A limerick writer from Paris
    whose pseudonym was Henry Harris
    could not find a rhyme
    to sell for a dime
    So he wrote short stories that scare us.

    A writer who dreamed of perfection
    Through his heroine had an erection
    But he suffered withdrawal
    and he threw in the towel
    When his editor made the correction.

    On Mayday the maypole was raised
    The nymphs and satyrs became crazed
    Chanting unionist rants
    They took off their pants
    They had pants? I'll say I'm amazed.

    There once was a limerick writer
    Who sat on a cigarette lighter.
    His pants were on fire,
    The flames getting higher
    Quite irking that shameless old blighter!

    A young nurse who knew how to draw blood
    was startled by a sudden thud.
    A patient on the floor
    Reputed to be a whore
    had fainted. Said the nurse, "Oh crud."

    I once had a lovely romance
    Who tangoed the sexiest dance
    She gyrated all nude
    Oh, far from a prude!
    She held on to his sizable lance.

    An ostrich who lived in denial
    Kept the evidence in a small vial.
    Though it was close at hand
    Buried under the sand
    He was sentenced to death at his trial.

    A man with a very small brain
    Was petty, dim-witted and vain.
    No peacock was prouder
    Or thick as clam chowder
    Except the President from Maine

    Barbara Walters interviewed herself
    While staring into a mirror on the shelf
    She feigned sincerity
    Clutching her dignity
    And answered like the oracle at i-delph.

    talkwrite, please drop us a line
    The forgetful should pay a big fine
    10 bucks for each word--
    Says talkwrite, "My lord!
    What makes you think I own a mine?"

    A writer woke up one fine day
    and cried 'I have something to say!'
    "My muse has returned,
    And oh! What I've learned!
    So now I must write an essay."

    A guilt-ridden boozy old hack
    Who lived in a filthy old sack
    Decided to cull
    From Tom Wolf's Man in Full
    But bad karma was all he got back.

    A plagiarist I once knew
    Stole Will's Taming of the Shrew
    Kate was a bon mot
    Who stole the show
    But the Bard's estate went on to sue.

    There once was a guy name of Caesar
    Who was quite a naughty old geezer
    and comic called Sid
    Much joking he did--
    I can't tell them apart, what a teaser.

    A worthless old pile of potatoes
    Was worn by some guys in their speedos,
    With bulges unsightly
    These geezers felt sprightly
    'Cause their bulges were red as tomatoes.

    A journalist after a story
    Decided he'd make it sound gory.
    A mere light contusion
    Would add to confusion
    When the corpse was found in a quarry.

    A vampire who could not abide blood
    Had his coffin engulfed in black mud
    He refused a transfusion
    And instead drank some juice in
    A skull while awaiting the flood.

    Then getting back into his coffin
    He ate a blueberry muffin
    On which he did choke
    And then promptly croak
    Becoming his very own stuffing.

    I'm sorely in need of a drink
    As I teeter close to the brink.
    The more I look down
    The greater my frown.
    How did I end up here in the clink?

    A leprechaun moved to Australia
    With a load of paraphernalia
    No pommies in sight,
    He said, "Well, awright!
    I better sit down and email yer!"

    A writer who spent hours translating
    A Russian tale about bear baiting
    Was suddenly flummoxed
    And totally out foxed
    Requiring some defenestrating.

    I'm thinking of having some lunch
    Something light to nibble and munch
    Some veggies or salad
    Linguine and shallots
    And juicy black grapes by the bunch.

    But now I shall open some wine
    Just to get me through the next line
    The sound of a cork
    Unnh, it takes some torque
    Oooh, the words are flowing just fine.

    A misting Spring rain is falling
    The ducks and the geese are calling
    Thoughts float to Brazil
    Ants crawl up a hill
    Woof, sometimes you are appalling.

    Dick Cheney passed out at the pump
    Someone asked, "What is this lump?"
    "He's just full of gas,
    and a cold-blodded ass,
    And that man he shot? He's in the dump."

    At midnight on midsummer's eve
    Sacred magick the witches still weave.
    With cauldron and flame,
    The spirits reclaim
    They have a quick shindig then leave.

    They say he’s not right in the head
    And he keeps a live python in bed
    A Jeopardy! fan
    and is seeking a ban
    on seagulls not being fed.

    A gardener tore down a skyscraper
    Did it as a April Fool's caper
    No Superman, he
    He's as weak as a flea
    But keen to join up with his maker.

    My muse has gone off in a huff
    How rude and offensive and gruff!
    I'm left in the lurch
    Well off my perch
    And with no drafts not even rough.

    My villain decided to come clean
    "I'm meek. I drink Ovaltine.
    I no longer torture,
    or burn or scorch or
    do anything remotely obscene."

    My poodle has lost all his hair,
    And with the ladies his debonaire flair.
    They turn up their noses
    And pee on the roses
    A dog's job, oh jeez, I swear!

    There once was a hairless, nude poodle
    that ate for its lunch one long noodle
    it curled over his nose
    then down to its toes
    For dessert she had a strudel.

    Gas prices just keep on rising
    A hassle I can't help despising.
    The trouble with oil
    Just makes me recoil.
    My vehicle I'll be downsizing.

    Oneblindmouse said to Nymtoc one day
    "Where did you learn to write that grand way"?
    He replied, "It's as naught,
    I just do what I ought,
    And say what my muse tells me to say."

    Autodidact and Talkwrite decided
    That Nymtoc and Mouse were misguided,
    "You think that's good prose?"
    "Quien Sabe? Who knows?"
    Don roc'd as the others confided.

    The liberties some posters take
    Truly blissful my day they make
    And those who like lurking,
    Who get off on smirking,
    Do definitely take the cake.

    My article just isn't growing
    And I'm not exactly crowing
    makes me pull out my hair
    and burn my underwear
    My God! My privates are showing!

    My fifth draft sucks worse than the fourth
    I shall give up all writing henceforth
    But just one more line
    But first one more wine
    So ends Equator of the North

    Norman was a writer by trade,
    prose was the product he made.
    He spun a fine tale
    When watered with ale
    But failed when he drank lemonade.

    An urge to pass gas while he danced
    invaded the Comte de Gran's pants
    He squeezed his buns tightly
    And broke wind politely
    While sly Madame Pompadour glanced.

    When Ahab caught sight of his nemesis,
    He did not react with an emesis.
    But, missing his leg,
    slipped on a gull's egg,
    Which is why that whole deckful of phlegm is his.

    There once was a damsel called Dora
    Who memorized the entire Torah
    She explored God's words,
    Like other good nerds,
    And ended up dancing the Hora.

    A writer was bloated on beer
    Confusing ale with good cheer,
    he needed to pee
    But the john was not free,
    Which explains the wet spot you see here.

    On a faraway planet called Mongo
    A musical boy played his bongo
    He used all six hands,
    To play in his pants
    While wondering, Just how does this song go?

    A barkeep was asked for advice
    quoth he, 'If you can't say anything nice...
    Then keep your trap shut
    And do not talk smut
    But you may play with me poker dice.

    A poodle named Fifi La Rue
    Was bored and had nothing to chew
    Silk rugs she found bland,
    Kibbles were the wrong brand
    But Ferragamo had the best shoe.

    A sinister Siamese cat
    spied an innocent rat
    The cat showed her fangs
    The rat called his gangs
    Voilà! the West Side Story spat

    A penguin was determined to fly.
    He said, "No ground-bird am I!"
    he called Southwest Air
    And asked, "What's the fare?"
    No frills but it's as high as the sky.

    A genie got tired of wishes
    And washing his Master's dishes.
    He rubbed his own lamp
    And got a leg cramp
    With pain exceedingly vicious.

    A ribald old bawd from Bristol
    Accidentally sat on her pistol
    A discharge was heard
    Her vision soon blurred
    And she said, "Migawd, there goes my bustle!"

    A woolly old ram in a meadow
    Who'd lived half his life in a ghetto
    Said, "How can I sleep
    When there's noisy sheep
    Plus that wretched goat singing falsetto?"

    When Marjorie moved to Montana
    She was joyous at leaving Fontana
    She loved the fresh air
    Except for the lair
    Of the sinister Banana-fana.

    To make a successful martini
    Never stir with a flaccid zucchini.
    Instead, gently shake
    Like that 007 rake
    And serve casually, whistling Puccini.

    When Wellington challenged old Nappy
    It made the Prussians quite happy.
    He charged with his horses
    And superior forces,
    While Nap's plan was totally crappy.

    From Podunk to Paris to Prague
    A Countess toured with her frog.
    It sang Papageno
    In Vegas and Reno
    and toasted her with some hot grog.

    When crafting a limerick it's best
    To refrain from thought, you know, lest
    You put a great strain
    On your poor li'l pea brain,
    And end up the butt of the jest.

    If ever a person had problems
    It was Bob, who kept gobbling corn coblems
    That grew so darned big
    He soon looked like a pig
    Then exploded in thousands of bloblems.

    "Show me the money," said Jerry.
    "Oh no, show me yours first;" said Harry.
    Jerry showed him his wad
    Quoth Harry "Oh my GAWD!
    If you were a woman, we'd marry!"

    There was this young novelist, Lester,
    Every agent he found, he would pester.
    But writing in blood
    Exhausted the stud
    Who also worked as the king's jester.

    A bandit who feared for his life
    Decided to find him a wife.
    So he rode into town
    With a see-through gown,
    Which caused him a good deal of strife.

    A bandit who feared for his life
    Decided to find him a wife.
    So he rode into town
    With a see-through gown
    And the girls called his member a fife.

    A jester told a tale in bad taste
    That caused him to leave in great haste.
    The Queen was outraged,
    For she'd been upstaged.
    Another good joke gone to waste.

    The flowers that bloom in the Spring
    cause dreams that are tantalizing,
    It's best if you smoke them,
    Inhaling each harsh stem,
    But best take the seeds out and fling.

    The flowers that bloom in the Spring
    cause dreams that are tantalizing,
    It's best if you smoke them,
    Inhaling each harsh stem [not a rhyme]
    because when you toke them,[not an original rhyme, unlike the previous line]
    The words that don't rhyme you just sing.

    Abe Lincoln once ran out of words
    So he started to tweet like the birds
    Cats gathered around
    And Honest Abe found
    He did best if he flatted his thirds.

    A cabbage makes quite a good soup
    And rarely does one in our group
    Not empty his bowl;
    But alas, one poor soul
    Thinks cabbage tastes something like poop.

    A swan who was scared to go swimming
    Looked out at a lake that was brimming
    With turtles and snakes.
    Said her brother, "They're fakes!"
    "What's more, each one is a lemming."

    There once was a pirate from France
    Who longed to succeed in la danse.
    So he bought a tutu
    And dressed up all fru-fru
    And won first prize as best nance.

    A Viking who lacked the talent to navigate
    nor rocking ships could he tolerate.
    When he went a-viking,
    He wished he were hiking
    Where he could just sit and meditate.

    A Buddhist monk went on Survivor
    That he'd win I bet a fiver,
    He didn't eat much
    And only spoke Dutch
    But clever as Angus MacGyver.

    A tourist got lost in New York;
    He felt like a virtual dork.
    Wound up at the Met
    Saw two friends from Tibet
    Who told him, "Just follow that stork."

    A glamorous gal from St. Paul
    Decided to see Montreal.
    She brought her boyfriend
    Whose came from South Bend
    And, together, they both had a ball

    A cute little man in the city
    Thought I was quite charming and witty
    He took me to dine
    But he fed me a line
    And now he sings with Conway Twitty

    Puerto Rico asked to secede
    We sent them a fax of their deed
    But Geraldo Rivera
    said, "There's been an erra,
    my notes say you're already freed."

    King Kong stubbed his toe on a tree,
    His mother said, "Aw, let him be."
    "Don't pamper that wimp.
    He's faking a limp.
    If he really got hurt, he'd tell me."

    Ten men sat in a dugout canoe
    - a depraved and notorious crew
    Their manners were crude
    And their cox downright rude
    And their swain was somewhat askew.

    A woman without any shame
    Found considerable internet fame
    She posted her pics
    Of her lewd party tricks
    But today's lurkers found them quite tame.

    Bill Gates started a garden
    Where Roses and Lilies did harden
    Where Lilacs grew limp
    And code-hacking chimp
    At Shawshank made wealthy the warden.

    A witty wizard from Westminster
    Was casting a spell when he sensed her
    It was the Wendy the Witch
    a-scratchin' an itch
    And cackling in a voice quite sinister.

    A man who was traveling through time
    said, "This journey is simply sublime!
    I've kissed Cleopatra
    And sung with Sinatra
    And watched Shakespeare writing a rhyme!"

    A woman turned into a flea
    And feasted on Griffith's Aunt Bea
    The flea then ate Opie,
    And Andy got mopy
    And Barney said, "What about me?"

    A woman danced in the rain
    And freed each thought in her brain
    But her mind was all wet,
    She became a coquette
    And turned to hooking in Spain.

    A man who was wealthy as sin
    Got plastered on tonic and gin
    He staggered toward home
    His mouth covered in foam
    And fell in his own rubbish-bin.

    Just when Nerdly's work day had ended
    And all that was right was defended,
    The boss came along
    in a leopard-print thong
    Which was torn and left unmended.

    The boss who pranced without shame
    Said all that he wanted was fame
    Not a promotion
    Or calamine lotion
    He's unheard of, and ain't that a shame.

    In the valley a big storm was raging
    About whose smile was most engaging.
    My ear to ear grin
    Snapped my facelift pin
    And added ten years to my aging.

    A nasty old man with a grievance
    Known for his raves and his loud rants
    At last found his match
    She liked to moan and scratch
    Thus becoming more than a casual dalliance.

    A capo named Shells Leonardi
    Was hosting a Sicilian style party.
    He served caponata
    And sang La Traviata
    And bathed in gallons of Bacardi.

    A talented young maiden called Maeve
    Spent an Irish Shavuot with Dave.
    He corrected her spelling
    As her eyes were welling
    And lost the job as her love-slave.

    If one million monkeys typed all day
    How many peanuts would you pay?
    One nut per ape
    Two for their mate
    And three for their friends who are gay.

    A dog who barked up the wrong tree
    was photographed, making history
    He became famous overnight
    for his bark, not his bite
    The dog's bark or that of the tree?

    A rising Republican politician
    Was caught in the midst of coition
    In a DC hotel
    Covered in just Rotel
    In a compromising position.

    A woman who smashed a glass ceiling
    Claimed houses of glass are appealing
    Except when you're nude,
    Engaged to a prude,
    And all of the neighbors are squealing!

    On the last day before he got sacked
    An employee was tortured and racked
    By various bosses
    On donkeys and hosses
    All of them sadistic and cracked.

    A duck who lost all his feathers
    And a cow who knew about leathers
    Were sold at the fair.
    Though they went as a pair
    By two lady farmers--both Heathers

    A lemon, a dog, and a villain
    Were seen by a witch who was willin'
    To make lemonade
    but the brew that they made
    was really not worthy of swillin'.

    Who will win the upcoming election?
    It's not a difficult selection
    An old plan man, or
    "Yes We Can!" man
    who will lead us in the right direction.

    Who will win the upcoming election?
    It's not a difficult selection
    An old plan man, or
    "Yes We Can!"
    The same old crap or a new direction.

    This morning while reading the news
    I found nothing that I could use
    All war and misery
    Lies,greed and bigotry
    So I went back to bed for a snooze.

    While waltzing I stepped on his toe,
    He said, "Dear, that's not comme il faut."
    In rage, I replied,
    "Well then step aside,
    for your waltzing is clumsy and slow”

    ‘Don’t fondle the servants’ she said
    They could end up in your bed
    If you need to cuddle
    Don't leave a puddle
    Or I’ll whack you and leave you for dead

    A bright and ambitious Walloon
    Was to phlegmish to play the bassoon (great pun, no?)
    A frog in his throat
    As he spützens each note
    Moved him to switch to play the spoons

    Once, a gay man from New Orleans
    Put a terrible strain on the zip of his jeans.
    It attracted attention
    At a Baptist convention
    Where ten ministers choked on their beans

    A brat with a water balloon
    Took aim not a moment too soon
    Ten stories below
    strolled a girl and her beau
    And a watered down vampire raccoon

    Chimpanzees don't frequent this park,
    Because it's patrolled after dark
    And those Monkey Squad Boys
    Will confiscate toys
    Like the two Noah threw from the ark

    A shyster escaped from a ship
    With a seriously injured hip
    He dove in high seas
    Fed a dolphin some cheese
    And kissed a man eating shark on the lip

    A woman with too many shoes
    Her dilemma was, which pair to choose
    So few she had worn
    That a problem was born --
    The ‘I’ve Bought Too Many Shoes’ Blues

    Two dandies, a fop and a rake
    Attempted to hide in a cake.
    The frosting was sweet
    All round a fab treat
    And the bawd inside they did make.

    King Arthur cried out, "Where is Guinevere?"
    Screamed the maid, "Putting on her brassiere!"
    In came Sir Lancelot
    He thinks, "My pant's they'll spot"
    So he yells "Is Galahad still here?"

    A rendezvous planned by a farmer
    Turned into a dreadful alarmer
    His pig and his mule
    both dressed in pink tulle--
    Looks a lot like hot pink only warmer.

    Two doctors who loved the same nurse
    Had words that were both short and terse [adjusting for meter]
    But she knew the score
    And chose to ignore
    Their words which sounded adverse

    A limerick locked in mid-limerick
    Keeps Tracy at bay like a dimmer Dick.
    But our Autodidact
    was a little bit cracked
    And it spun until it made them feel sick!

    A little old lady from York
    found a grey pubic hair on her fork
    She dropped it and screamed
    as her elderly waiter beamed
    And said, "It don't scan, but it works."

    A shy hippopotamus from Khartoum
    undressed in the dark in my room.
    Her hips were so wide
    That I needed a guide
    But her lips were like flowers in bloom

    A writer was new to a forum
    and desperate not to bore 'em
    with vivid sexual scenes
    and lots of vented spleens
    cuz all the good writers deplore'em.

    There once was a writer with block
    Who considered using his Glock
    But instead used his pen,
    Wrote a sonnet and then
    Realized it was thirteen o'clock!

    A merry young lass on a bicycle
    Had an accident while sucking a popsicle
    Are you hurt asked a friend
    After she tumbled end-to-end
    "No," she replied, "but the stick tickles."

    If your limerick refuses to scan at all
    And it doesn't quite rhyme either,
    You might be a poet
    Though Meter and Rhyme Might not Show It,
    And your agent and publisher never call neither.

    Whatever became of those writers
    Who binged on wild all-nighters?
    Well, they post on this forum
    So please don’t ignore ‘em
    As they're mean nasty horrible biters.

    To touch her lips was the kiss of death
    Unless you avoided her sulphuric breath
    If her allure traps you
    when her finger taps you,
    It's worse than any trip you've taken on meth.

    When Bart Simpson faced Doyle Brunson in Texas hold'em
    The tension was so hot it was molten
    Bart needed one card
    But Luck's heart was hard
    So he smiled with rotting teeth and forced bart to fold'em.

    Woof went on America's Top Dog
    His mind keen and clear as the fog
    He snarled on cue
    Then made a large poo
    And alleycat said, "What a hog!"

    Hickory, dickory, oneblindmouse
    There’s a repossession order onmyhouse.
    I'm flat broke and clueless
    And starving and shoeless
    Oh wait, there's ten bucks inmyblouse

    A vivid and terrible scene
    confronted the haggard old queen:
    the corgis lay dead
    next to the king's head
    And she screamed louder than Howard Dean.

    A Senator known for his earmarks
    Was linked to unsavory loan sharks
    His own coffers full
    he was known for his bull,
    "Til he was busted by a team 0f DEA narcs.

    Obama said, I will bring change."
    From hopefuls that phrase isn't strange
    But changing takes guts
    No ifs, ands, or buts,
    so maybe he'll just rearrange.

    We can't wait until the election
    There's too much misdirection.
    The candidates all
    with astonishing gall
    Lay claim to unbounded perfection.

    There once was a duck known as Daffy
    Who had a fondness for pink taffy
    And said Bugs is "despicable"
    But Pluto is lickable
    If I had a whole tongue or a halfie.

    I dreamed of a storm out at sea
    With huge waves from windward and lee
    "Hang ten!" I said
    to ghosts of sailors dead
    And with Johnny Depp had some orange tea.

    A piddling pooch from Peoria
    was last seen on the Andrea Doria
    He squatted on the poop deck
    And a dolphin said "Oh heck!
    Don’t piddle or poop I implore o’ ye.”

    Don’t fondle those fondants’ she said,
    "or I'll pop you once on yer head "
    "then I'll gouge out yer eyes
    And cut that thing between yer thighs
    Aye! I'll make you wish you were dead.

    The High Court said yes to bear arms.
    But said nothing about saving farms
    Or keeping jobs here
    And pot versus beer
    Or Lafayette yelling, "Gendarmes!"

    A crabby old crook cried "Police
    - you are ill-bred, corrupt and obese!"
    But when his home was robbed
    He broke down and sobbed,
    "When will dishonesty cease?"

    A manuscript sat on a shelf,
    written by an anti Ghibelline Guelf,
    It favored the Pope
    But the HRE said nope
    So the Guelf flagellated himself.

    Alone on an uncharted isle
    A fellow was tempted to smile
    ‘I may be quite loco but…’
    There's a face on that Coconut
    Which looks just like old uncle Lyle!'

    When sorting through files of old papers
    Aunt Pittypat swooned from the vapors
    In her hand was a photo
    Of her grand dad's De Soto
    "I love how the front fender tapers."

    Bill was in love with his Buick
    And dumped actress Barbara Ruick.
    His steering wheel
    Was tarnished steel
    So rusty it made him feel too sick.

    Jack thought his charisma was awesome
    when he lured three chicks to a foursome
    But he lacked the stamina
    So the girls flounced out slammin’ a….
    Young stud who said he'd adore some.

    That Limerick was really bad,
    and yet the only one we had
    We can do better
    Just stick to the letter
    Yet this one is pretty poor, also.

    "Oh no Mr Perkins," she said
    As he pushed her onto the bed.
    "I don't really know you
    And you're married too
    Now I see where my c**k teasing led.’

    Why Maisie, you’re terribly rude'
    When you appear all in the nude
    But off came your clothes
    So the book, the judge throws
    "With no clothes, by the law, you're judged lewd."

    In summer, the garden is green,
    In winter no color is seen,
    Autumn, leaves fall,
    Spring's best of all;
    When Life is the fair reigning queen.

    If ever there was a disaster
    Consider a house made of plaster
    A wind comes along
    and blew it to Hong Kong
    It's a free trip and you'll get there faster.

    The Japanese love their TV
    Confusing us with origami.
    A huge paper moth
    (Or perhaps it was Thoth)
    Was unclear unless viewed in HD.

    Jim played a red Telecaster
    With his pick moving faster and faster
    His eyes were squinted
    As talent was hinted
    But his chording was total disaster.

    A sly old gal on her vacation
    Filmed her own animation
    She streamed it online
    Pixel called on time
    Now it's the latest blockbuster sensation.

    Two women were at the hairdresser
    One dame called the other a fresser
    And by way of reply
    She did not deny
    That men always tried to undress her.

    A man who was coarse and uncouth
    Offended a woman named Ruth
    He drooled down her blouse
    And made fun of her spouse
    Who then knocked him all the way back to Duluth.

    A clown wore frightening makeup
    For a new kind of job that [he takes] up
    He sits in a chair
    All alone he sits there
    In fear that his grease paint might break up

    And now for some words quite absurd
    THIS limerick is about a bird
    It sits in a tree
    There, down by the sea
    And hourly drops down a turd.

    This morning I dreamed of a cow
    I saw it in bed with a sow
    Then a goat jumped in
    With a Dionysian grin
    So I left the room with a bow

    Last night I dreamed of an island
    Neither Greenland, New Zealand, nor Saipan
    It was misty and green
    And rather serene
    'Til students on spring break became all gland.

    A KGB agent named Putin
    Became sorta' high fallutin'
    He polished his shoes
    And began to peruse
    When eight black-masked men came in shootin'

    Beneath a broad tree lay a dragon
    Drinking a brew from a flagon
    Until he got shikker
    On that horrible likker
    And now his skin is saggin'

    A woman answered a call
    At an escort service in St. Paul
    It was a lewd request
    Which she met with great zest
    And serviced the team each one and all.

    A galloping Gael from Killarny
    Was just so full of the blarney
    he choked on his Guinness
    Not minding his bui'ness
    And now he's as purple as Barney.

    I'm thinking of having a drinky
    With a femme fatale quite slinky
    If our ink's not dry
    I'll sip on some rye
    While she smudges the ink with her pinky.

    I married a honey-glazed ham
    Realised that it was a scam
    I took it quite hard
    Then squeezed out the lard
    The remainder, I packaged as SPAMTM

    If people were not so impatient
    They'd hand all their work to an agent
    Hiring a PA
    Just might make your day
    And get you in print with less agin'

    In a fantasy kingdom one day
    A little fairy did say
    In all my back story
    There is lots of glory
    And my humor is naturally fey.

    Roman matron Frigida Neurosa
    Said to her slave: "come a bit closer"
    "And place your hand
    On my gland."
    "And sing me the Lacrimosa."

    The queen held a garden party
    But one of her guests was quite tarty
    Attempting to curtsy
    and being oh-so-flirtsy
    She boomed like Felix Pappalardi

    I once met a clown on a jet
    Who dared me to jump, on a bet
    I tripped on his shoe
    And he fell out too
    And I wish that we hadn't have met.

    There once was a girl with a patch
    Held to her face with a latch
    If you caught her eye
    And didn't say hi
    She'd quickly give you one to match

    A stunning young lady named Ruth
    Would frequently shake her caboose
    Her heinie wagged free
    Or, so sayeth me
    Until her pants worked their way loose.

    A shiny newcomer to Moscow
    Made note of all those that he would plow
    But maidens divine
    Only nuns on the line
    Said, "No way, no when, no why, no how."

    If you're ever in Kalamazoo
    And want to play a kazoo,
    Go sit in the park
    And chew on some bark
    And if people object, tell them "Foo!"

    A mysterious dude from the Bronx
    Lived on a diet of conchs
    His skin was clammy
    So he moved to Miami
    And was forever filled with angst.

    A sailor who was crude and immoral
    Wore cologne that was just slightly floral
    When thrown in the brig
    He soon danced a jig
    With two sheep and a pig--quite pastoral

    When I found my dog's house aflame
    At once I knew who was to blame
    The cat was the culprit
    Her smug face was guilt-writ
    And she felt not a shred of shame.

    A bull that bought a china shop
    Would often more than china drop
    He freaked at Lalique
    Then trashed his boutique
    If thumbs he did have, he might stop

    A man with one leg tried to run
    From an exceptionally horny nun
    He tripped on his stump
    And fell on his rump
    She leaped and then had some fun.

    A man who was rather aloof
    Was found fast asleep on his roof
    A pigeon had pooped
    Climbing up there he scooped
    He swooped and was gone with a poof.

    Chickens don't make the best pillows
    They're noisy and weigh several kilos
    They litter their bupkas
    With feathers, like chupkas
    And smell like rank armadillos.

    A mouse and a rhino were wed
    He wore a crown upon his head
    And said, "Look I'm horny."
    She replied, "Don't be corny!"
    And off they went to bed.

    There once was a frog named Joe
    Who fell in love with a doe.
    He wined her and dined her
    On snake and 'gator chowder
    Then slipped a ring on her toe.

    An atheist praying mantis
    Said, "This is how they all prayed on Atlantis.
    And at mating time
    Upside down he'd rhyme
    "Hesitate; please, let's wait." Would she grant this?

    A celibate dude from Montana
    Said, "Sex? I'd prefer a banana.
    The flesh, I'd unpeel
    Wouldn't moan, writhe or squeal
    And then take a trip to Havana.

    This limerick attempt is so lame
    I'd rather it bore not my name
    These words are not mine
    They send chills down my spine
    And fill me with dread and with shame.

    This limerick attempt is way cool.
    It proves that I'm nobody's fool.
    I write with a flair
    Daring any who share
    to send me back to writing school.

    For those who think writing is easy
    You'd do better playing parchesi
    Each word is a challenge
    Resistant as Stonehenge
    And some of it downright sleazy.

    Give me librium or give me meth
    Before I take my final breath
    In leaves of grass
    And arms of fair lass
    Ah, t'would be easeful death.

    There once was a hell of a drummer
    Who threw down his drumsticks one summer
    He stormed to the store
    To get ten pairs more
    At KFC--what could be dumber?

    The Great Wall of China is longer
    Than our southern border and stronger
    Than Arnold Schwartzenegger
    Moonshine in a keg or
    That big gorilla King Kong or . . .

    He said, "Give me five" then he fainted
    Not half the he-man he was painted
    He really did care
    Hated being thought square
    But now his reputation is tainted.

    A flexible fiddler from Cork
    Played with a good deal of torque.
    A saw was his bow
    It screeched like a crow,
    But he was heard all the way to New York.

    How dare you insult me?" said Luke.
    "So what if on you I did puke?
    Your bilious green
    Dress is really obscene,
    While my offense was but a fluke.

    Too many words make a poor rhyme
    (From top the bandwagon we chime!)
    With syllables galore
    And a syntax that's poor
    We'll be put in jail for our crime

    There was a young waitress named Belle
    Who served certain patrons too well
    Her tips were immense
    her smile, intense
    Which caused their mm-mms to swell

    A jaded young patron of pubs
    Said, "Why go to Subway for subs?"
    Just make a sandwich
    Of spinach and ham which
    They serve in Mayberry's best clubs.

    "Young man, when you're my age," said Gramp
    "You know life is one long boot camp"
    "Did I volunteer?"
    Said the young buccaneer.
    "No" said Gramp, "but don't act like a scamp."

    When Sam Coleridge lacked a good rhyme
    He said, "I'm for some down-time."
    He'd stare into space
    A blank look on his face
    And loquacious as a street mime.

    A voluptuous vixen from Vichy
    Was derided by some as too chichi
    She put on airs
    And demanded éclairs
    And wore perfume that smelled feeshy.

    A man with a penchant for tarts
    Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
    His tastes were flaky
    But never heart-breaky
    And more generous than all the old farts.

    A man with a penchant for tarts
    Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
    His tastes were flaky
    But never heart-breaky
    Except he left them all plenty of warts.

    Atop the old tower of Pisa
    A lovely Italian named Lisa
    Let down her long hair
    Brushed it with great flair
    And changed her name to Condaleeza

    An insolent Ibis from Karnak
    Drove a diesel pickup with a gun rack
    He encountered a frog
    Sitting atop a huge hog
    Like Cheney he gave them both flack

    Two Limericks were merged into one
    Who's that other sunuvagun?
    It's just too much work
    I'd rather just lurk
    While others attempt to have fun.

    Moe lives in a house made of candy
    A confectioner, he is quite handy!
    But he has a sweet tooth
    And to tell you the truth
    Moe is more than a little bit randy.

    A woman who lived on cheap gin
    Swore that gin put a grin on her chin
    She drank the full bottle,
    Sang, "Hey, diddle dottle!"
    Staggered out to the pool and fell in

    A perfectly mis'rable hermit
    Refused to get a cave permit,
    He scoffed at the law
    Deep inside the maw
    He decided to live here a bit.

    A fair maiden was once in peril
    From a disgusting and amorous squirrel
    He showed her his nuts
    And said, "Babe, I love sluts.
    Come to bed and let's give it a whirl!"

    I'm a writer of poetry and prose
    But I write best without any clothes
    In my cool private office
    I channel Chekhov. His...
    Dark, brooding style gets right up my nose.

    I was talking to Shakespeare last night
    When a sound outside gave me a fright
    "Who goest there?" I called
    Said a ghost, "I'm appalled!"
    And floated out of my sight.

    I once had boat at the pier
    It was almost as big as my rear
    I mean, like, gigantic
    Leaking and antique
    But amply provided with beer.

    One day in the life of a frog
    All smelly and wet in a bog
    He asked a fair princess
    If she had any mint sauce
    She did and shared his legs with a hog.

    A Viking appeared in the fens
    He slew every monk in the glens
    Then to Norway he sailed
    Where a mermaid he hailed
    Blew him off because of his wens.

    Let's redux the Farta from Sparta
    Those old Greeks had no Magna Carta
    They lived just for war
    And not oil-offshore
    Or the musical stylings of Sartre.

    Another day dawned on the prairie
    And Debbie went down to the dairy
    She bypassed Dallas,
    Went straight to Corvallis
    And slept with a dude who was hairy.

    A rooster who crowed at sunset
    Was slopped with the hogs and got wet
    He cried out, "Thou vile spawn!"
    "Tough!" They said with a yawn.
    "Swine like us give as good as we get."

    My Aunt Flo spent a week in the clink
    She did not bathe and started to stink
    It was all well planned
    We knew she'd be canned
    When she stole Lady Piffleworth's mink.

    This dude who was called Torquemada
    Applied the jarra, the rack, and strappada.
    Through auto-da-fe
    From day to day
    Screams were heard from Cadiz to Malaga.

    While Nero played his fiery fiddle
    Poppaea kept tickling his middle
    The Senate fumed
    While Congress bloomed
    But he stuck to his musical idyll.

    My future is not looking good’
    Said the Sheriff who met Robin Hood
    "The King is displeased
    And Sir Guy is diseased."
    "And my tights were lost in Sherwood"

    The Count of Monte Cristo plotted
    Revenge that turned twisted and knotted
    His victims unaware
    Lacking savoir faire
    Did suffer, though none got garotted.

    When Anna Karenina strayed
    Lucky Count Vronsky got laid
    But her husband swore
    he'd married no whore
    But of scandal he was afraid.

    The Musketeer known as D'Artagnan
    Was the Musketeers' newest companion
    His hair, worn in curls,
    Drove wild all the girls
    So he dined every day on filet mignon.

    Gad dang, said the old man, this bucket
    Of bolts wouldn't run on pure luck. It
    Sputtered and it spat
    And frightened the cat
    Who fled all the way to Nantucket.

    All students dislike Silas Marner
    Because it's a bore and a yawner
    They planned a revolt,
    Yelled, "George Eliot's a dolt!"
    And then, all the students were goners.

    Ode to my warm,egg/cheese Mcmuffin
    When not fresh you begin to toughen
    But zapped in the micro
    Its taste drove me loco
    Though I'd still prefer a McPuffin.

    The Corsican Brothers were weird
    They were really but sisters with beards
    If they'd ever shaved
    The hair they'd have saved
    Would have equaled a herd of sheep sheared.

    If the world has but seven great wonders
    And the gods don't make blunders
    But they do like to hoax
    And love cosmic jokes
    As they zap folks with lightnings and thunders.

    Raskolnikov's dangerous plan
    Would create a guilt-ridden man
    But he didn't know
    That his sin would grow
    Well, he should have fled to Kazan

    Now Grushenka was a hot babe
    But she couldn't bed Alyosha, called "Abe"
    He drank too much vodka
    Then called her a nafka (whore in Yiddish)
    And went back to his damned astrolabe.

    Elizabeth Bennet was smart
    Well read, well bred, and no tart
    She took Darcy's measure
    And gave him no pleasure
    Till he took control of her heart.

    Now, Heathcliff was brooding and grim.
    I say, what could a girl see in him?
    I say not a thing
    Let them have their fling
    And do whatever they want on a whim.

    The boy was thin and pale
    And no typically robust Gael
    The windy, cold winters
    Turned his bagpipes to splinters
    As he wandered o'er hill and dale.

    Miss Manners is full of advice
    On matters exact and precise
    Like what to say when
    And how to date men
    And how to be mean and seem nice

    A drum, a guitar, and a fiddle
    Were crammed o'er my head to my middle
    And then, with the bass
    and much gas I must pass
    It sounds nothing like "hey-diddle-diddle"!

    A walrus who ate too much salad
    Said, "Oh, now you think I look pallid.
    Just wait 'til you see"
    A thin little me
    like a malnourished Indian boy Khalid

    A Dong with a luminous nose
    Met a Ding with webbed fingers and toes
    But bells did not chime
    And mimes did not mime
    And scribbling does not count as prose.

    A man with a curious walk
    Had a meeting with Peter Falk
    A crime most foul
    He wore a towel
    And his victim was outlined in chalk.

    Messalina cuckolded Claudius
    Of his four wives, she was the bawdiest
    But 'tis said, when in Rome
    And in Gibbons' great tome
    Foolish empresses' ends are the shoddiest.

    Young Caligula ruled and went mad
    As a hatter, and acted the cad
    With his sister he dallied,
    Fell ill, briefly rallied,
    And was killed with surprise like his Dad.

    Old Vickie was none too amused
    Sans Albert, her humor was bruised
    Their love was eternal
    She wrote in her journal
    "O woes, wat a gud man i losed"
    (and thus, blinded by tears as she was, ushered in a new era!)

    My bicycle has a flat tire
    Which surely has raised my ire
    The road it was long
    From Seoul to Hong Kong
    And with no patch my way remained dire

    Mammatus clouds scared all the locals
    I thought it my chance to seem noble
    "To the cellar," I cried
    but everyone died
    Still wearing their cracked bifocals.

    When Kerouac took to the road
    The bourgeoisie he did goad
    His style was gritty
    running city to city
    As he spawned a new narrative mode.

    When Ginsberg decided to howl
    His critics declared him "most foul"
    lamenting the machine
    He motioned supreme
    These lines are making me growl,

    The Prisoner of Zenda complained
    "They can't even spell the book's name!"
    donroc repented,
    But Rassendyll consented [trying to get back to the plot]
    While Hentzau the trrue king detained.

    He once crossed swords with Scaramouche
    Moreau's hatred for him was farouche
    With a clever riposte
    Many swords are crossed
    Till Moreau wounds the dude with a whoosh.

    Dr. Jekyll worked late in his lab
    Extracting the bile from a crab
    He mixed it with guano
    And a bit of Romano
    And washed it down with aged Cab.

    Danton, Marat, and de Sade
    (All seen as decidedly odd)
    put rum in their shoes
    And then sang the Blues
    In the form of a wistful ballade.

    When Poe's raven finally croaked
    The poet depressedly toked
    He buried the bird,
    Nevermore to be heard,
    Then wrote about pendulums, stoked!

    Erroneous answers are banned
    Untruths break the laws of our land
    Tongues sporting a fork
    Have much wine uncorked
    But are soon dismissed out of hand

    Blue aliens dance in my yard
    Along with a tap dancing bard
    As Borogroves mimsey
    And toves, looking flimsy,
    Wallowing in buckets of lard.

    "The game is afoot," said S. Holmes
    "The woman has filched metronomes"
    "Now her mindless toe tapping
    "Has Scotland Yard napping
    And Watson updating the tomes

    Zarathushtra when he spoke
    Was a very wise-sounding bloke
    But it took Mr. Nietzsche,
    Whose writing could reach ya,
    To keep it from reading like hoke.

    If a cat kept a writer contented
    Not the standard – a writer demented
    Acting as her Familiar
    Few things are much sillier
    Than meowing that's heavily accented.

    A canine who wrote only dogma
    Said, "I'm far more astute than a frog, Ma."
    "I have read Descartes
    And know Hamlet by heart
    While singing Carl Orff accapella.

    The stuff dreams are made of can kill
    Just ask Mr. Spade, if you will
    That Maltese Falcon
    Had several fools stalkin'
    And many thugs shooting with skill.

    On arriving in Shangri-La
    A curious chap said, "Aha!"
    "Is that Kublai Khan?"
    "No, in Xanadu, man."
    "Do people get older here?" "Nah."

    When Christie invented Poirot
    Miss Marple said, "Cool, he's my bro'.
    But his weird mustache
    Has too much panache.
    I suspect that its color is faux."

    Captain Nemo developed a craft
    That he used on more than a raft
    It stayed under water,
    A sub-sea globetrotter,
    where he took all his sailors abaft.

    ‘Hang on to me bulwarks’ he cried
    When a great giant squid he espied
    "It was out of his league,"
    Said First Mate MacTeague,
    "But it was one helluva ride."

    The incredibly shrinking man
    Was alarmed when he shrank smaller than
    His wife's pinky
    Now do you think he
    Would puff up and say, "Yes I can"?

    "Let's go to the lighthouse," said Ginny
    "And I'll also invite Laura Linney.
    Mrs. Dalloway, too,
    She'll bring Fu Man Chu
    And the hitman we call Vinny."

    Ming the Merciless leered at Dale.
    "Flash can't save you. He's destined to fail!
    So you will be mine
    Sure as frog-hair is fine,
    Earth is weak! Mongo's might will prevail!"

    Blanche DuBois took a ride on a trolley
    To quench desire but met with folly
    named Stanley Kowalski.
    The desolate doll's key
    To happiness turned melancholy.

    Before sleeping,Nymtoc, post a line!
    To start a Limerick, oh so fine.
    And be literary
    Stop being contrary
    The words you type will be divine.

    Here's something really 'off the wall':
    A piece of sheet rock not too small
    Fell smack on my head
    While I read Sartre in bed,
    Thinking Simone de Beavoir might call.

    "Let's go and raise rabbits," said Lenny
    But George was listening to Jack Benny
    While Curley's young wife
    Was playing the fife
    And Steinbeck earned quite a pretty penny.

    Nick Adams encountered two killers
    The comics Jack Black and Ben Stiller.
    They had him in stitches
    With new movie pitches
    And a brand new play by Arthur Miller

    Antigone seemed very worried
    King Creon was pissed, so she hurried
    Along with Ismene,
    Who wore a pink beanie,
    For the elders whose favor was curried.

    Old Nostradamus had a vision
    Which he wrote, but not with precision
    One century at time
    In quatrains, with rhyme,
    Glimpsing TV in high definition.

    Mary Shelley once had a nightmare
    And wrote it, with plenty of fright there
    A monster was built
    Victor F. felt no guilt
    For the villagers he might scare.

    When Beethoven lost his hearing
    He began wearing one earring
    While Für Elise he composed
    His earring got hosed
    But his Ninth left the audience cheering.

    Mozart was precocious, they say,
    Played with many a lass in his day.
    His feet were small,
    But his pizzle enthralled
    And he wore a most splendid toupée.

    When Bach was young and baroque
    He was known as a mischievous bloke
    He trilled with his organ
    And sang, "Guten Morgen!"
    Oh, famous was he, it's no joke!

    Pretend you could dance on a pin
    And invite some friends to join in
    They better be angels
    Who jig like Bojangles,
    So tap-dancing fun can begin.

    My pelican won't eat a thing
    Unless he is served like a king
    Each fork and each spoon
    every morsel well chewn,
    "You," he says, "Bring my meals when I ring."

    Camille doesn't look very well
    After her incredibly long coughing spell.
    Armand brought her flowers
    But she hacked for six hours.
    Will she live? Only Dumas can tell.

    Mr. Faust made a deal with the Devil
    Then satyrs and nymphs they did revel
    All over the town
    Shades were drawn down
    But do Devils make deals on the level?

    "I hate this doll's house," grumbled Nora
    Very closed in was this little senora
    But for the plot's sake
    She took up her rake
    And hit the town wearing her fedora.

    Driven with purpose to settle her plot,
    She'd been working a helluva lot
    She reached for a drink
    Three pills: plink, plink, plink
    And that was as good as it got.

    Paul Bunyan was taller than most
    In a few strides he walked coast to coast
    His feet were flat
    He had not an ounce of fat
    But he had a blue ox to roast.

    When Popeye ate all his spinach
    From can to air he would pitch it
    He'd knock out old Bluto
    Danced like Menudo
    This rhyme should go straight to the clinics.

    Nijinsky could dance like a faun
    And make love like a Don Juan
    Which just goes to show
    That a Russian, you know,
    Is good for a night on the town.

    When in Brussels, we danced like the Belgians
    Or stood still like the Marbles from Elgins
    Or else, when we chose,
    A most erotic pose,
    Since those Belgians are perfectly swell gens.

    Genghis Khan knew a lot about war
    But he couldn't remember what for.
    So he scratched his head
    And then went to bed
    While his teddy bear sat on the floor.

    Sleeping Beauty lay down for a snooze
    After drinking a bit too much booze
    She dreamed of short guys
    With muscular thighs
    Who knew how to light Beauty's fuse.

    The Sugarplum Fairy felt crappy
    Which made the Rat King rather happy
    But times do change
    If you dance like Red Grange,
    Though the Nutcracker's always quite sappy.

    Poor Odette got turned into a swan
    And the ballet really made her yawn
    Besides, the cold water
    A sailor had shot her
    And her mate ran off with a fawn.

    Miss Havisham sat by the fire,
    Bitter, since every man was a liar,
    Her cake, old and rotted,
    Grew stale as she plotted
    To tie them all up in barbed wire!

    Old crusty, reclusive McGuire
    Counted his gold coins by the fire
    He put them away
    Then started to pray
    Until a thief strangled him with a wire.

    Sam Spade asked Effie, "Where's Miles?"
    Effie said, "Let me check in the files.
    There's a woman named Bridget,
    That doll made Miles fidget
    And he fell for her wiles and her guiles.

    Caspar Gutman and Joel Cairo
    Sought the bird. Neither one was a tyro
    It's the stuff dreams are made of
    And thieves are afraid of
    Which Sam Spade explained well in his bio.

    Talleyrand arranged a swift coup,
    And Napoleon said, "Merci beaucoup"
    But it all went awry
    When he aimed way too high
    And took bribes from the Austrians, too.

    When the Beatles dispensed with Pete Best
    Ringo Starr drummed in with great zest
    Then John, George and Paul
    Geared up for the long haul
    And for that I would say we were blessed.

    A ghoulish old chap was Bram Stoker!
    We know about his love for Poker.
    He also loved liquor.
    If not for his ticker
    He might have become a stock broker!

    Gwendoline Madeline Potts
    For whom one old man had the hots
    He lifted her skirt
    She ripped off his shirt
    And gawked at his unsightly spots.

    A man who had fondled a goat
    Was silenced by a frog in his throat
    The frog then spoke
    Produced a loud croak
    Heard from Santa Fe to Roanoke

    A speech writer penned words eternal
    For Lord Satan with phrases infernal
    He wrote it so well
    He got out of hell
    and shacked up with a cross-dressing Colonel.

    I fell down a very deep hole
    Without my very own soul.
    I bought one on line;
    It got here on time.
    Wow -- life can be downloaded whole!

    The amount of bad fiction in forums
    would strain the largest of quorums
    Too much tell and no show
    Too much prose that's de trop
    And the was and as hordes -- we deplore 'em.

    An avatar is a wee picture
    With sound that bears no Richter
    They give a little smile
    but, all the while
    Obey the site's size stricture.

    If lolcats voted Republican
    And dressed up like a pelican
    They'd look like birds
    And a little like nerds
    As unwed teens claim "Because I can"

    A weatherman faced Gustav's fury
    And said, "It's the storm of the century."
    He fell over
    a four-leaf clover
    He’d spent far too much time in the brewery

    Don’t try to stop me I’m going
    Far away first class in a Boeing
    I'll take a good book
    About Captain Hook
    Where the Lost Boys evade him by rowing.

    The day Sadie Thompson said, "Hi!"
    Several Dogpatch men wished they would die.
    The race would soon start
    And each man did his part
    Until a severe RAIN(hint regarding first line) came bye the bye. Sadie hawkins?????

    Moonbeam McSwine was a babe
    In the eyes of a farmer called Abe
    Until she pigged out
    and twisted Salome's snout
    But Daisy Mae knew how to behave.

    ["abe" rhymes are few and far between. ]

    Joe Btfsplk had terrible luck
    His Internet came all unstuck
    He called the Geek Squad
    Who found him quite odd
    A schlemiel, schmendrick, and a schmuck.

    Sarah Palin field-skinned a moose,
    "I'm a hockey mom" was her excuse
    "I give my kids names
    For hunting type games
    Tis a shame now that they're all on the loose.

    There once was a man from the coast,
    Of California where he would boast
    Of his world-famous wines
    While ignoring French whines
    He would offer an uncultured toast.

    There once was a man from the coast,
    Who had an unusual boast;
    He claimed he had wings
    Among other things
    Which made him a notable host.

    There was a young lady from Kerry
    Who took a long ride on a ferry
    With three Irish rogues
    Who wore green Irish brogues
    It was more fun than watching the telly!

    Young Phil was a man of bad habits
    He ran around chasing white rabbits
    When he caught one he
    Would giggle with glee
    Which shocked the conservative Babbitts.

    When Coriolanus got banished
    The plebeians asked "Why has he vanished?"
    "I want Rome to fall,"
    Which cast a great pall
    Until he was finally out-mannished.

    Elmer Gantry said, "Come and be saved!"
    Between bottles of booze he had craved.
    As he plucked out a cork,
    He said "What a dork!
    Unashamed of the way he behaved.

    Lady Brett never turned down a drink
    In Pamplona she caused a great stink
    But one day by the pool
    She broke her own rule
    To not give a hoot what we think.

    My daughter just left on a bus
    I think she craved more of a fuss
    Big city lights
    And partying nights
    And high-decibel rock were a plus.

    How come Mick can't get no satisfaction?
    He just sings it to get crowd reaction.
    His CDs go gold
    And his crew grows old
    But they're still a stellar attraction.

    "A smile and a shoeshine," said Willy,
    "Makes up for no sales in old Philly."
    His sons Biff and Happy
    Said his life was crappy.
    His ending was tragic and chilly.

    Aristophanes wrote about frogs
    And George Orwell wrote about hogs
    E.B. White's little mouse
    Was the pride of the house
    but Disney drew large spotty dogs

    The wicked Cruella de Ville
    Always went in for the kill
    But some clever Dalmatians
    Helped by two big Alsatians
    Brought her calculations to nil.

    Pinocchio had one desire
    His heart and his loins were afire.
    "I'm not a mere toy
    I should be a real boy,
    And my nose? Well, that's 'cause I'm a liar."

    "Seven roommates? Oh,dear!" said Snow White.
    "I do hope they don't stay up all night.
    That snoring and sneezing
    And grumping while wheezing
    Is gross. But that apple's so bright!"

    Bambi's mom met a man and got shot
    She was left in the forest to rot.
    Then came Thumper and Flower
    to that blood-spattered bower
    And boy! What a feast they have got!

    I saw Obama's wife on Ellen dancing
    Surprised at the moves she was chancing.
    That won't change my vote
    And since I don't emote,
    My oinions will not be enhancing.

    If I hear one more political rhyme
    I'll commit an unspeakable crime
    I’ll dip my wick in the gravy
    Then maybe - just MAYBE
    I'll get away with it this time.

    If everyone posted a chapter
    and we all perhaps tried to adapt a
    clear style and voice
    through intelligent choice
    we could finish up writing a book together, but fall out over artistic differences, argue over royalties, then it would all end rather messily in the law courts and definitely not happy ever…


    "I’m sore," said the schoolmistress sadly
    The morning had started quite badly
    With coffee a-spillin'
    She was almost unwillin'
    But soon came to frolic quite madly.

    A man with his arm in a sling
    said ‘Hello – I’m Emperor Ming
    And you must be Flash
    If that Dale is your pash
    Do you know "Auld Lang Syne?" Let's all sing.'

    When Buck Rogers set foot on Mars
    He met a green creature called Lars,
    A pet of John Carter
    A poet and auteur
    Who'd lost his way hopping 'tween stars.

    When the congressman said to the bun
    Of his best looking intern, "What fun."
    She responded in style
    With a beguiling smile,
    "Come closer, you son of a gun!"

    A grocer with very large ears
    Bought twenty six crates of mixed beers,
    A large tin of ham
    And some strawberry jam
    Which he gave to his saucy cashiers.

    When Melville was starting his book
    He had Ishmael sharpening a hook
    Then Queequeg appeared
    And he asked, "Who has steered?"
    Melville answered: "Just go take a look!"

    Last Wednesday, when reading some Keats
    My sister tripped over two seats
    She flopped on her belly
    And began to read Shelley
    While admiring Frankenstein's feats.

    e.e.cummings had problems with caps,
    and when he wrote them took long naps
    in a pretty how town
    he dressed in a gown
    And with the goat-footed balloon man ran laps.

    The last of the Mohicans was sad
    that the palefaces were all so bad
    Cora's death was a shame
    for which I'm not to blame
    So let's celebrate in Trinidad.

    There once was an octopus cousin
    Who had not eight arms but a dozen
    He was at Bikini
    Where some bomb blasts--not teeny--
    Left most of his relatives buzzin'

    When Willie padlocked his gym locker
    to conceal a halloween shocker
    Denise came along
    With a red velvet thong
    - a gift from a grateful Joe Cocker.

    'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
    In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
    "You field-skin 'em this way."
    'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
    ‘Aye - it can hang on the wall of ye hoose.’

    'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
    In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
    "You field-skin 'em this way."
    'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
    "It's perfect to adorn my caboose!"

    It's getting right down to the wire
    That has everybody on fire
    Whether plain or with cheese,
    What’s wrong with MY LINE please?????
    It sucks. Can't you write something slyer?

    There once were three men in a tub
    In a specialised men only club
    Said the first to the second
    "It's worse than I reckoned
    Now who'll give my feet a good rub?

    An itinerent, name of John Casey,
    Ate a mushroom and got really spacey
    He ripped off his clothes
    And licked all his toes
    Then chased girls at the local J.C.

    Andre, the amorous aardvark
    Couldn't travel too far in the dark
    He extended his tongue
    And located the bung
    Of a wine cask of Pinot de Marque

    An accountant looked down and he sighed
    That God damned spam email had lied
    Instead of five million
    Or seventeen trillion,
    He got an amusement park ride.

    Lost love is the saddest of all
    when it ends in an eye-gouging brawl
    But the saddest bit yet
    Is she left with my pet
    And my beautiful blue bowling ball.

    Felicia went fishing one day
    With a babe who looked like Tina Fey
    But then she found out
    that no fish were about...
    So they ended up playing croquet.

    A villain called Simon Legree
    Ran for Congress in Missouri
    Out of respect or fear
    And promise of beer
    He jumped into the Mississippi

    When Suzie the floozie comes callin'
    The boys o'er their feet go fallin'
    They vie for a chance
    For a little romance
    And the lonelies go crawlin' home bawlin'.

    [... continued.]
    Last edited by Pthom; 02-09-2013 at 04:34 AM. Reason: added limericks
    ~ Vita Brevis, Ars Longa ~


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