Age difference - woman older than man

JoNightshade

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Okay, I know there was a thread a few weeks back about how much older a guy had to be than a girl to make things "icky."

Well, I've got the opposite situation. In this case, the woman is older than the man. The man is 34. I'm aiming for a couple of things here:

1) I want it to be obvious to others that the woman is older, not ambiguous.
2) I want to elicit slight discomfort from the reader when they find out how big the gap is.

Right now, I'm kind of hovering between eight to twelve years, so like 34/45.

Then I got to thinking, my husband's parents are in exactly this situation. He's 50, she's 60. Honestly, I can barely even tell. She looks a bit older but I'd never guess a decade.

Anyone else have any experience here? Real-world anecdotes? Suggestions?
 

Sean D. Schaffer

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Okay, I know there was a thread a few weeks back about how much older a guy had to be than a girl to make things "icky."

Well, I've got the opposite situation. In this case, the woman is older than the man. The man is 34. I'm aiming for a couple of things here:

1) I want it to be obvious to others that the woman is older, not ambiguous.
2) I want to elicit slight discomfort from the reader when they find out how big the gap is.

Right now, I'm kind of hovering between eight to twelve years, so like 34/45.

Then I got to thinking, my husband's parents are in exactly this situation. He's 50, she's 60. Honestly, I can barely even tell. She looks a bit older but I'd never guess a decade.

Anyone else have any experience here? Real-world anecdotes? Suggestions?


I used to go out, about two years ago, with someone 7 years older than me, then later on I went with a woman who was almost twenty years older than me. Nobody looked at us like we were strange, in either case.

If it were me, I would have a problem with a 34 year old man going out with someone with lots and lots of gray hair, such as a woman in her late fifties to early sixties, but anything below that age difference is really not something I consider weird.
 

Matera the Mad

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My grandmother was eight years older than my grandfather. So? In my salad days I fooled around with some much younger fellows. You aren't going to elicit discomfort from me (except by using words like "icky" in a certain context). Pick a demographic that thinks x number of years is OMFG awful, and aim at it, I guess. Can't shock 'em all ;)
 

NicoleMD

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I think once everyone is over 30ish, it'd be really hard to make me blink. Certainly 45 wouldn't do it. 50 would raise a little flag in the back of my mind. 55 might get me to curl a lip. 60, I'd say ick, but if the characters were engaging enough, I'd still believe it.

Nicole
 

JoNightshade

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Wow, you guys are tough cookies. Where are all the prejudicial, judgmental people when you need them?
 

Judg

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If she's old enough to be his mother, then it's icky. I've got friends who have a 9-year spread and no one could ever tell. Not even when he was 19 and she was 28...

Lots and lots of grey hair doesn't mean anything, most women over 40 dye their hair anyway. I don't, and it causes me problems.
 

A. Hamilton

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one of my closest friends is 11 years older than her husband. they've been together about 22 years-she's 55 now, so he was only 22. the story is that he was pretty proud to walk around with a hot older woman when they met. and she has remained very attractive-I didn't notice the age difference at all when I met them a few years ago. now that they're divorcing though ( :( ) she's not really attracted to men her own age and encountering just a little hesitation from younger men-I think it's the number 55 though-because she is still eye-catchingly attractive.
But as for it being shocking to others-I do admit to a little nose wrinkling over Demi Moore and Aston Kucher.
 

Mandy-Jane

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I tend to agree with everyone. I'm 7 years older than my husband and no-one's got any idea. It's not obvious, but it's not weird either. Even 12 years difference isn't weird. I'd raise my eyebrows if there was like a 30 year gap, but less than that these days is really no big deal.

I'd extend the age difference if you want shock value.
 

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My friend is 34, his wife is 43. Very nice couple, very loving. They have a daughter. He is desperate for more children, she cannot give birth anymore - there's friction and a lot of bitterness on his side because of this.
 

ona

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How old was Mrs. Robinson ? Would that still shock ?

The age difference that might shock would seem to vary with different combinations at different stages of life. Settle on the age you want the woman to be first, then the man.
 

Smiling Ted

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I'd say that the real "ick" factor comes when the maturity difference - not the age difference - is so great that it's hard to believe there's anything non-sexual, non-kinky about the relationship.
 

Sonneillon

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My parents have a twelve year age difference. Every once in a long while, I think about that and get squicky, but for the most part, I don't bother. I agree with Smiling Ted; I think it's the maturity difference that counts for most. But a lot of people vastly underestimate how important it is. Think Angel x Buffy... I'm only 23 and I'm put-off by her teenager-ness, so I find it very difficult to believe that even an emotionally challenged 241-year-old would find her attractive. Along the same lines, but not quite so extreme, teacher x student relationships squick me a LOT in fiction (and in reality, but we're talking fiction here). Unless the student in question has had a harsh enough life to grow up REALLY fast, in which case they are likely to be carrying a whole lot of baggage, and the teacher in question is stunted, I just don't see the attraction.
 

Cassiopeia

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Okay, I know there was a thread a few weeks back about how much older a guy had to be than a girl to make things "icky."

Well, I've got the opposite situation. In this case, the woman is older than the man. The man is 34. I'm aiming for a couple of things here:

1) I want it to be obvious to others that the woman is older, not ambiguous.
2) I want to elicit slight discomfort from the reader when they find out how big the gap is.

Right now, I'm kind of hovering between eight to twelve years, so like 34/45.

Then I got to thinking, my husband's parents are in exactly this situation. He's 50, she's 60. Honestly, I can barely even tell. She looks a bit older but I'd never guess a decade.

Anyone else have any experience here? Real-world anecdotes? Suggestions?

I was 46 and he was 25 on our wedding day. Different enough? (It was annulled 11 months later)
 

Sandi LeFaucheur

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I think by the time the man is 34 it would no longer matter. What is off-putting is when the younger party is little more than a child--be it the male or female. Seventeen and forty I would not like; however, 34 and 57--which is the same difference in numbers--doesn't sound bad. I think it's because of the maturity factor, as mentioned by others. When one partner is very, very young, it would seem the older partner is taking advantage. IMO
 

L M Ashton

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My sister is six years older than her husband. One of my best friends is eight or nine years older than her husband (married at 21 and 29 or 30). My brother dated a woman ten years his senior. No one could tell and no one cares when they find out. Eight or ten years is nothing.

If you want it to be slightly icky, go with at least 20 years difference.
 

HeronW

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My brother is 11 years younger than his wife. Many years ago my nephew married a woman 16 yrs older than him--they split--from various other problems, but stayed friends until she passed away.

May December matches don't raise eyebrows as much.

anyone with Aston Kuchtner makes me think...iccccckkkk
 

ona

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When a woman gets to 45, menopause is impending.

This will affect the relationship greatly, and the younger (or "younger" ?) the man, the more so, I think.

At the turn of the century, women expired at age 50 or so. Obsolete. Now we live much longer, in general, and this complicates everything.
 

Maryn

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If the younger person is in his mid-30s, I don't think I'll be uncomfortable until the woman is of a completely different generation, that of his parents, and looks it. Say a minimum of 20 years' difference.

A well-tended 54 (or more) still seems a lot older than a 34, you know? They may share many values and a sense of humor, and enjoy the same activities, but their cultural touchstones will not mesh. To me, those are important.

Maryn, whose husband didn't have TV until he was 8
 

Sarita

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In this Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher world, it's a bit harder to shock with age difference. I know my husbands parents were surprised that I was a year and a half older than him. That was 10 years ago, they're from small town America, none of our friends flinched. It was nothing. 15 years ago, my sister married a guy who was 8 years older than her and all her friends were a little shocked. She was 22 at the time. Now, it's nothing.

*shrug* I think it has to be pretty drastic to work. Could you make the guy a little younger and have the gap be somewhere around 25 years?
 

Don Allen

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Hey Jo, I think you know that I'm a bunch older than my wife, but in this situation I think the only weirdness would be on the part of the older woman. Because I think she may feel some self doubts as to whether she was attractive or sexy enough to keep a younger guy, would she wonder if he would be constantly looking at younger girls, that sort of thing...
 

Roger J Carlson

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My wife is nine years older. In thirty years of marriage, it has never caused a problem. No one in either of our conservative families raised an eyebrow.

The only funny part comes when we talk about how we met. The first time I met my wife was at church, and she was my youth group leader. I was in 8th grade, and she was just out of college. Of course, we didn't become romantically involved until 6 years later.

Fifteen and twenty-three would be icky. Twenty-one and thirty is no big deal. Only time will tell if it will be an issue when I'm seventy-five and she's eighty-four.
 

C.bronco

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Well, Roger, there won't be an issue until she's 108 and you're 99, but at that point, you won't remember what the issue was and go back to your game of shuffleboard.