"As" construction is unprofessional?

Twizzle · Jan 27, 2008

lmao...great examples.

She's totally right-the sentence should be reworked. I know what it is I'm want to say, obviously I didn't do a good job of it. I didn't get that across. It's a first draft, so I will definitely go back and tweak it. And you can be sure I'll scrutinize any "as" construction in the future.

I guess what shocked me is, well, it seems the more a writer's been around, the more you'll hear them say rules? Rules are great, but...

To have someone, esp an instructor, so categorically condemn something, was well, it was a moment. Thanks again, everyone.

DWSTXS · Jan 27, 2008

okay..........now you guys are gonna have me searching for all 'as' sentences in my WIP. Thanks. Just what I needed. More work. LOL

akiwiguy · Jan 27, 2008

maestrowork said:
As he was in the middle of singing his aria, he heard a loud fart in the audience.

Or, with a change of POV...

As the hushed audience became captivated by the aria, he made his fateful decision to silently emit a little wind.

DWSTXS · Jan 27, 2008

a little wind?

akiwiguy said:
Or, with a change of POV...

As the hushed audience became captivated by the aria, he made his fateful decision to silently emit a little wind.

or....with a change of character.........

"she finished her aria, arms spread majectically, looking out over the audience, and just before the next note, she emitted a long, loud blustery fart....."

The audience gasped, then someone howled with laugher........

choppersmom · Jan 27, 2008

"Twizzle let her feet lead her straight to the bakery door. She swung it open, and was immediately struck by the scent of eclaire filling, its creamy deliciousness wafting up her nostrils and tickling her olfactory nerves with its insidious temptation."

Mr Flibble · Jan 27, 2008

I guess what shocked me is, well, it seems the more a writer's been around, the more you'll hear them say rules? Rules are great, but...

Ah, but once you know the rules and how to apply them, then you know when you can break them....

donroc · Jan 27, 2008

Kiss my "as" is my reaction.

akiwiguy · Jan 27, 2008

DWSTXS said:
or....with a change of character.........

"she finished her aria, arms spread majectically, looking out over the audience, and just before the next note, she emitted a long, loud blustery fart....."

The audience gasped, then someone howled with laugher........

OK then, since a wee competion seems to have evolved...

As his aria reached its climax, he seized the moment to dazzle the crowd with the unexpected. He strained, and the ensuing fart was of thunderous proportions. But as the audience broke into wild applause, he realised with horror the folly of attempting such improvisation after a hearty dinner of beans.

See, "as" can work.

akiwiguy · Jan 27, 2008

akiwiguy said:
OK then, since a wee competion seems to have evolved...

As his aria reached its climax, he seized the moment to dazzle the crowd with the unexpected. He strained, and the ensuing fart was of thunderous proportions. But as the audience broke into wild applause, he realised with horror the folly of attempting such improvisation after a hearty dinner of beans.

See, "as" can work.

Joking aside, this actually illustrates the whole point of the thread. Something like this I think works better...

As his aria reached its climax, he seized the moment to dazzle the crowd with the unexpected. He strained, and the ensuing fart was of thunderous proportions. ~~But as~~ the audience broke into wild applause, but at that moment he realised with horror the folly of attempting such improvisation after a hearty dinner of beans.

Tsu Dho Nimh · Jan 28, 2008

So, I had a sentence where basically it would be written... as the MC opened the door and stepped into the bakery she smelled gingerbread.

The instructor said no. She must open the door and step in. Then she smells. Two sentences.

Uh ... "as" is used in English to indicate simultaneous action. If what you wanted was for the gingerbread to waft out and for the character to be inhaling as she steps in the door ... you were right.

"As Sam Spade opens the door, the phone begins to ring."
"As the robot arm rotates, it retracts."

Soccer Mom · Jan 28, 2008

She may be knowlegable, but that doesn't mean she can teach.

Horseshoes · Jan 28, 2008

We Meant To Tell You...

So, how come no one told me this...

Is there anything else I should know, because this one shocked me.[/quote]

Honestly, we meant to. Just hadn't gotten around to it. Sorry and all.

Hey Twizz, get out of the class what you can. You're doing fine, writing, cogitating, rewriting. So goes the battle.

johnrobison · Jan 28, 2008

You have to think about the dynamics of the particular event.

I could release the anchor line as the boat drifted toward shore. That's a real "as" set of events.

I think the odor of a bakery is smellable outside, or inside. I don't think that's as much an "as" thing. You smell it from the street, and the odor draws you in. Or you walk in and breathe in the odor of fresh baking.

As you move into a building you tend to bring with you the smells of outside. If the bakery door were open, the food smell would come out to you. Neither would result in the "as" situation. As someone else suggested, the phone could ring as you entered, but the smell is in or out.

Does that make your writing amatuer? I don't know. I'm sure my own writing is full of so-called mistakes, but no one has seen fit to correct me and I've attained good sales.

orion_mk3 · Jan 28, 2008

As I read the responses here, I feel a trickle of sweat winding down my brow. As I'm fairly certain I use the construction myself, I hope it's not *that* frowned upon.

As other writers, and successful ones, seem to have used it, I wonder if it's one of those rules that was made to be broken...after you have six bestsellers in the can.

ExposingCorruption · Jan 28, 2008

Twizzle,

In giving it serious consideration, the use of the word "as" makes it seem like she is smelling the gingerbread while she opens the door. How about putting a time stamp on it with something like this; "The MC could smell gingerbread as soon as she opened the door and stepped into the bakery."

Twizzle · Jan 29, 2008

lmao. a gingerbread debate.

everyone has been so great, thx. I think what I wanted to say was she could smell the gingerbread outside. It wasn't until she stepped into the bakery that it overcame her. something along that idea. just not so cheesy.

So I, of course, went to the bakery-you can, indeed, smell it from the parking lot

-and grabbed a box of eclairs. Went home and polished off some wine with one. Fine. A lot of wine. I felt much better. Tipsy and full of pastry, I spent a delightful night coming up with a snarky list of the TRUE list of things that are unsophisticated and the mark of an amateur. Farting and arias were not on there.

Turning in my next assignment on kitteh stationary was one, though, and should be a great hit.

In the wise words of donroc, I say kiss my "as."

I have learned a great and valuable lesson.

Twizzle · Jan 29, 2008

choppersmom said:
"Twizzle let her feet lead her straight to the bakery door. She swung it open, and was immediately struck by the scent of eclaire filling, its creamy deliciousness wafting up her nostrils and tickling her olfactory nerves with its insidious temptation."

Now that's a sentence.

ona · Jan 29, 2008

It's not for the teacher to determine what you wish to express. (And I see nothing illogical about that.)

Yes, "as" is overused and there are often more effective and varied ways to express what's going on. Good to think about these, of course.

But the word exists for a perfectly good reason, and would die off if it didn't.

As a writer, she may be fine, but as a teacher, it seems she sucks.

donroc · Jan 29, 2008

What would Faulkner say about his book and the band AS I LAY DYING in this context. Would he offer such alternatives AS ---

Whilst/while I lay dying
During the time I lay dying
The moments I lay dying
The year I lay daying
Slowly I lay dying

Soccer Mom · Jan 29, 2008

Twizzle · Jan 30, 2008

poor kitteh.

"As" construction is unprofessional?

Cluck that.

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