Why do I prefer my passive sentence?

I'm going to be beaten down for liking the passive one, but I choose A.

I don't see anything wrong with A.

aadams73 said:

I don't see anything wrong with A.

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You're agreeing with me to be difficult.

I think it was Stephen King who said it's often best to end the sentence with the kicker, the punch-in-the-guts word, so...sadly, I am with KTC on this one.

Yup, I agree with the spaz.

I like A.

A.

scarletpeaches said:

I think it was Stephen King who said it's often best to end the sentence with the kicker, the punch-in-the-guts word, so...sadly, I am with KTC on this one.

Yup, I agree with the spaz.

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quoted to keep the proof of its existence.

What is the story about? Are 'they' decapitating the weak ones on a platform, an altar, the ground...? Are the weak ones dragged behind the Baths of Neptune or are they captured behind the baths...?

Of the three above, I vote for A also, with a strong inclination toward D.

KTC said:

You're agreeing with me to be difficult.

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Damn it! You're on to me!

I shall have to employ Super Sekrit Stealth Skills. *rubs hands in cunning villainous manner*

sandyn said:

What is the story about? Are 'they' decapitating the weak ones on a platform, an altar, the ground...? Are the weak ones dragged behind the Baths of Neptune or are they captured behind the baths...?

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You have to read on to find out. That's why its a good hook.

miles said:

I just started a chapter with this line:
The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Neptune and decapitated.

It's passive, I know. But I like it because the emphasis is on the weak ones and the decapitation, not who's doing the killing.

But I could go with this:
They decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.

By not identifying who's doing the killing, "weak ones" still gets most the attention (although I prefer "decapitation" to be the last word in the sentence).

And then there's plain old:
Soldiers decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.

So, as a reader, which one makes you want to read the on more?

A: The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Neptune and decapitated.

B: They decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.

C: Soldiers decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.

D: Some fantastic variation I haven't thought of.

Thanks!

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I don't see anything wrong with any of those versions.

I guess it depends on how you are going to continue with that paragraph, where you want to place the emphasis, what you what to remain a mystery for the moment, . . . imo.

It seems that you have good reasons for using the tone of the first version. . . .

Maybe a "1.a" version? "The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Nepturne and decapitated by the Kittens of Pacificism" ?

It's not a passive sentence that's bad, it's if the overall novel is passive that makes it bland.

I've certainly seen my share of 'It was' sentences in published works. The trick is to use them sparingly (like adverbs!). I use adverbs intentionally. Crits still say I should dump them. But I think they add (in some cases) rather than detract.

So, wishy-washy answer: It depends.

#A is fine -- the focus is on the weak ones being killed... the villains are "nameless/faceless." It gives certain mysteriousness...

Not all passive voices are bad. But if you find yourself writing a lot of passive voices, do examine them closely.

I like A too. Good for you.

I like A as well.


On the negative....weak ones gets me. LOL

Thank you for conclusively demonstrating that there is a legitimate place for the passive voice.

Sneakers, "it was" sentences are often weak writing, but they are not in the passive voice. Just for the record.

Your first sentence (A) sounds just fine to me. It reads well.

If it read The decapatation was done to the weak ones by the soldiers behind the Baths of Neptune, then I would go "urk." But yours is short and smooth and, although passive, comfortable.

Not every passive sentence is a bad sentence. It's just bad to use them constantly, or unintentionally.

I like A because it puts the focus on the weak ones, who are acted on by ominous and unidentified forces. Which is exactly the effect that you want, I think.

It seems we are all in agreement. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not quite dressed for armageddon. Time to put on a suit.

KTC and PeeDee were taken behind the Starbucks and decapaccinoed.

That's impossible. Well...not impossible, per se...but, man...it would take a hell of a magic trick to decappuccino me. But you got flare, young man. Nice sentence structure. And I dig those chocolate pants.

At the risk of derailing the derailment of this thread, I prefer A also.

you would

kristie911 said:

At the risk of derailing the derailment of this thread, I prefer A also.

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We didn't ask Door A or Door B. Just Doris.

do i make any sense? gosh i hope not