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Jill sat on the edge of the bathtub, feeling sorry for herself. Because of her body, which she hated. It was a gorgeous body, sure, but the effort involved in maintaining it was too much! She had to feed it. Every day. She had to keep it clean and healthy, free of disease, blemishes, and hair. She had to dress it, take it for walks, put it to bed. And so on. All of this left her with precious little freedom to enjoy her life.
The ghosts who haunted Jill, on the other hand, were having a great time. It seemed they never stopped laughing. Two days ago, one of them had performed a skit—an hilarious line by line re-enactment of Jill's attempt to explain to her date that she had not farted in his face, that The Incident was nothing more than a ghost's prank. Even now, as Jill sulked, their guffaws continued to fill the house.
Oh, how she envied them. There was more than joy in their laughter. There was also insanity. An insanity for which, Jill had recently learned, they were not responsible in any way whatsoever, period. Yes, Jill envied them. She wanted to be carefree and irresponsible, too. She wanted to do nothing but laugh for days on end. She wanted to be a ghost. And she'd made her decision when—
The phone r—
A crash sounded from the kitchen, followed by a child's scream. Jill got up to answer the phone. There was no need to rush to the aid of a dead child. From the foyer, its maniacal voice called: "I'm leaving! And never coming back! Never!"
A moment later, Jill heard the front door slam. "A most dramatic exit. I totally felt the madness. Right off the handle." Chuckling, she answered the phone. "Good afternoon. You've reached Jill's home of the weird and whiny. What's yer pleasure?"
"I'd like to speak with you, please." It was her BFF.
"I'm sorry. This character is disgustingly limited. Can I do me instead?"
"Yes, that'll be fine."
"Excellent. Go ahead."
"How's it going?"
"Wonderfully. I'm having a great deal of fun, as per your instructions."
"And researching...?"
"Oh, yes. I've learned there's a crisis in the Otherworld."
"Of what kind?"
"Apparently we're driving them crazy. Well, the ones that aren't already crazy, which, according to what I read, is most of them."
"You'd fit right in."
"You mean me?"
"Yes, me."
"I certainly would."
"You mean me?"
"We'd both fit in. It's a big place. Actually, I think it'd be pretty cool to be a ghost. I'd never have to eat or sleep or live or any of that boring, habitual stuff, with no repercussions. Speaking of... You know how much I love to rap my knuckles on various solid surfaces. I'm doing it right now while we talk."
"Yes, you're making a lovely racket."
"Don't I know it. So, I was thinking..."
"...of getting ghostified?"
"Precisely. I've just got to decide—"
"Um, wait. Before you do anything hasty, I've gotta tell you... That's not the way—"
"Oh, don't worry. BFF, right? I'll haunt you every day, sanity permitting."
"No, I mean that's not how it's done. Listen, I was doing some research, too, and came across an ancient manuscript—the first manuscript ever written, in fact. It was, sadly, lost the very day after its completion, but recently rediscovered in the belly of a whale."
"A live whale?"
"As far as I know."
"Who found it?"
"I did."
"What were you doing inside a whale?"
"I've already told you: Research."
"Research?"
"Yes. Anyway—"
"So, you've been in the belly of a whale?"
"Yes."
"Why am I only hearing of this now?"
"It hadn't happened when we last spoke."
"Earlier today?"
"Right. And I've just finished translating the ancient manuscript I found in the whale's belly, which is why I called. Apparently the—"
"You found a manuscript inside a whale?"
"It was a serendipitous find. Luckily, it was still intact, and I was able to decipher its meaning, having been introduced—"
"Hold on. I want to hear about your experience in the whale. Or, more accurately, your passage through the whale. You've rekindled an old obsession of mine."
"I remember. Your obsession led to my own interest and research. Okay. What would you like to know?"
"You entered through the whale's mouth, I presume?"
"Correct."
"And exited through its anus?"
"Correct."
"How long did the journey take, approximately?"
"Well, it would have been quicker, had I not noticed a strange lump in the whale's intestine. Naturally, I stopped to have a look. The lump turned out to be a corked bottle which had, at some point long ago, become lodged. It was in there good and deep. Took a bit of doing to extract. But the whale didn't even flinch. Beginning to end, I was in there about forty-five minutes."
"Did you get squished at all?"
"Oh, no. There was room enough to stand. I bet I could have taken my bicycle and pedalled through in fifteen minutes or less. If I used a decent tread."
"What kind of supplies did you need? Oxygen...?"
"Didn't need any supplies. Short, easy hike. And there was plenty of air. I can't explain why. But fortunately there was, as I didn't think to pack an oxygen tank."
"Was it smelly?"
"Ew, yes, it was gross."
"But bearable?"
"Definitely."
"Incredible! For years I've wondered what it would be like to pass through a whale's anus. You know, I think I'll give it a go before I ghost myself up."
"Yeah, about that... The ancient manuscript I found revealed the truth about ghosts and what they really are."
"The truth? You mean they're not the spirits of dead people?"
"Not exactly, no. Not according to this ancient manuscript."
"Hm. Well, do tell. Everyone knows ancient manuscripts contain all the most important knowledge in the world."
"Okay. Apparently, a ghost is actually the spirit—the soul—of a living person."
"Huh? So... my soul is, unbeknownst to me, floating around out there somewhere, knocking and mocking?"
"No. Not unless you've already performed the ancient ritual."
"There's a ritual?"
"Of course. In order to become a ghost, a living person must place their soul inside a dead body."
"A dead body?"
"Well, a dead person, anyway. Obviously, a ghost is bodiless. But the form of a dead person is used. Their appearance, voice, and so on. Actually, the text wasn't exactly clear on this point, but I think the reason a dead person's form is used has to do with recognition. You know, so the actions of one's ghost/soul aren't connected to their living counterpart, who would be literally ignorant of said actions."
"And the ghost-person is still alive."
"Oh, yes. Their soul has been separated, so they're kind of dim—boring and, well, lifeless, so to speak. But their body still functions. They walk, talk, eat, sleep, work, play, and so on. On automatic pilot, I guess."
"Well, how about that. What happens when they die? They do die, right? They're not immortal or anything, are they?"
"Nope. They retain their mortality. And when they die, their soul probably goes to Heaven or whatever."
"And the dead person whose appearance was adopted? Just disappears? Like nothing happened?"
"The ancient manuscript didn't mention anything about that, but I wouldn't think they'd be affected. Apart from, perhaps, their reputation, depending on what the possessor did whilst donning their image."
"Hm. Interesting."
"Still want to become a ghost?"
"More than ever. Does the ancient manuscript explain how?"
"Yep. It's real easy, too. Wanna do it together?"
"BFF...? You'd like to accompany me into the Otherworld?"
"I would."
"Awesome. So... Who do you want to be?"
inconsistent
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