Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

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James D. Macdonald

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"The Black Vial?" Master Filbin asked.

"Yes. It seems needful."

"Waste of perfectly good Fly-spite." The master picked up a pillow and waggled it at his assistant. "If all you want to do is kill the daft bugger, this works just as well. Cheaper and faster, and no awkward explanations if someone sees you carrying it."
 

Alphabeter

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Now that this thread has received over a million views and is coming up on its 10,000th post, I propose that the graphically gifted create a few thank-you GIFs (or other images) to honor a really nice guy who has put in a lot of time here for nothing more than the hope we might read some of his (& Doyle's) books...to see the advice in action.

Whew, my fingers are tired from all that running. I'm going to wind this up with something directly related to the thread topic.

Yog, is it ever a good idea to "get into" writing solely to make money--or should one have a good story they need, want, crave to tell and hope the money comes later?
 

James D. Macdonald

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If you're planning to get into writing to make money ... don't. The money is small and slow. There are faster and easier ways.

If you love writing and discover (to your shock and amazement) that they pay you (enough to live on, hurrah!), then you never have to work a day in your life.

(Though you will constantly wonder if your editors, your publishers, the critics, and your readers will suddenly see through you and realize that you're just faking it.)

My first advice to anyone who wants to become a full-time writer would be to pay all their credit cards down to zero, then cut them up.

Here's what it's like: Imagine you had a job where you're told that the annual salary would be somewhere between zero and a million dollars. And that salary would be divided into not-necessarily-equal parts, and each part put into an envelope to be delivered at the rate of one a day. Each envelope would contain either all, some, or none of your salary, and you wouldn't know what each day would bring until the mail came.

Plus there's no vacation time, no sick days, no insurance, and you have to pay double the social security that anyone else pays. Oh, and you have to work nights, weekends, and holidays. And your boss will know if you're slacking.

Who the heck would want a job like that?

There's a TV show called Castle, starring Nathan Fillion. Mr. Fillion portrays a writer.

Do not believe for a moment that that's what a writer's life is like. Not. Not, not, not, not, not.

I saw a wonderful cartoon strip once, showing the life of a writer. In the first several panels the writer is sitting in front of his computer going tap*tap*tap*tap. The only changes from panel to panel are the hands on the wall clock, the location of the cat, and the level in the coffee pot. In the last panel it's later that night and the writer is in a bar. A beautiful young lady is saying, "You're a writer?! That must be so exciting!"

This too is unrealistic: There aren't any beautiful buxom young ladies, either.
 
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lauraannwilliams

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The master picked up a pillow and waggled it at his assistant.

I'm really curious about the master and the pillow right now. I mean, a pillow isn't necessarily something you see hanging about at an apothecary. ( and the scene is less odd if they're at someone's bedside ). Also, is it the OFFICIAL "kill the patients" pillow, spotted and stained and finally covered with a rubber pillowcase, or do they use a new pillow each time?

--

I have an entire day with nothing pressing to do but write. Yesterday was the same, and I didn't manage to BIC until 7pm. 2000 words once I got there, what would I have done if I'd sat down in the morning?

I promise to find out today, if only because we have no cat.
 

RJK

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Uncle Jim, If you can find a link to that cartoon, I'd love to print it out and hang it on my wall.
 

James D. Macdonald

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Ah, yes, the Young Creamies, who want to show you their ... manuscripts. (Repeatedly, in a variety of positions.)

They only turn up if you're married and not interested. If you're young, good looking, single, and a writer ... not a one in sight.

Important safety tip (NOT from personal experience, but I know a guy it happened to....): If you give your wife an STD, she won't have a sense of humor about it.

I recall an editor who had a Beautiful Young Lady come up to him and say, "I'd do anything to sell a book."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"Write a good manuscript."
 

IceCreamEmpress

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This too is unrealistic: There aren't any beautiful buxom young ladies, either.


Some of us writers are beautiful buxom young(ish) ladies our ownselves! But there are never any dashing Cary Grant types cooing over our amazing prose. :(
 

Me&BacchusGoIntoABar

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We should organize a sexual fantasy convention.

Every conversation must begin with. "Ooh! I love your amazing prose!"
 

Neversage

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In my head with my characters.
"No way, you write and play online games?" Karen said as she ran a finger down the front of author's Star Wars t-shirt.
"True story, my dear. My guild has a tabard, and I produce no less than two-hundred and fifty words of original prose each day."
"Take me!"
*smooching*
 

FOTSGreg

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Doing security (I did). Becoming a CPA. Selling drugs. Doing a MAFIA hit. Being a drug mule. Cooking meth. Transporting illegal aliens across the border. Joining the Army. Selling your semen (or eggs). Selling a kidney (or a piece of your liver). Becoming a Post Office worker. Working for WalMart (I do). Freelance accounting (I do).

:)
 

James D. Macdonald

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Name some!


Pizza delivery man. Valet Parking Attendant. Bank clerk. Bartender. Grave digger. Auto mechanic. Major league baseball star. (Yes, there are more people making a full time living playing professional sports than there are people making a full time living writing fiction. Think about that.)

Anything in the world which, if you start today, has a paycheck on Friday.
 
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Mitch Wagner

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Hi, Jim! I'm glad to see you're keeping up the Uncle Jim thread.

I have a question, and forgive me if this is inappropriate:

I'm near to finishing my first novel. It's a science-fiction novel (is there some other kind?). Pretty soon it'll be ready for the first readers to look over, and a few months after that, it'll be ready to submit to publishers.

Now what?

I've seen so much bad advice online on how to get published that I don't know what to do next.

Do I need an agent? If so, how do I find a good one?

Thanks!
 

Ken Schneider

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Pizza delivery man. Valet Parking Attendant. Bank clerk. Bartender. Grave digger. Auto mechanic. Major league baseball star. (Yes, there are more people making a full time living playing professional sports than there are people making a full time living writing fiction. Think about that.)

Anything in the world which, if you start today, has a paycheck on Friday.

It pains me to see folks come to AW with public driven perceptions of fame and fortune as a writer.
Some, or most, I suppose, fail and give up because as the truth sets in and the lack of love for writing was not really ever there, but was more the love of the idea of being famous, rich, and set upon a faux pedestal by the public.

The tremendous amount of work it takes to sustain a living as a writer is far greater than most are willing to pay.

I reviewed my reasons for writing long ago. I never found it boring or burdensome, but came to the conclusion that I could write a novel and enjoy the adventure I took myself on, for free.

It was then I set one goal for myself. One published novel by a reputable New York house. That's all. A tough enough task without adding overly imaginative expectations better reserved for creative writing.

I don't care about making money writing, I care about writing well enough to be published.

Once you take the full time writer road you've taken a job, and most jobs aren't any fun when there is pressure to perform.

The best reason to write is because it's fun, enjoyable and takes you somewhere no one else can go, your imagination.
 

Ruth2

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When I was younger, I wanted to be famous and be interviewed by Johnny Carson. Now that I'm older, I don't like being known outside of my friends. Johnny's gone and money-- well, money's nice but we're doing okay, so that's not a motivation.

I love to write. I'm happiest when I write. When I don't write, something's missing in me. Putting a story together is the best game on earth. So.. I write. I strive to be good enough to be published but hey, if not, well... I had a great time anyway.
 

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I think this was so well put. I recently had a conversation with a friend that said they just could not believe how much time it took to write. I think they've watched me and become very amazed at the time involved...and the lack of compensation:) LOL...it's quite a ride...but I cannot imagine giving it up:)
Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
 

Neversage

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My story has to be told. My characters will come to life and murder me in my bed if I keep their lives silent. I feel so responsible... Wow, if they really did, that would make some great fiction... Bah, probably been done before--Who cares, I'll do it better.
 
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