Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 1

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maestrowork

Re: re: paragraphs

otherwise I'm ping-ponging between stand-off and intimate within one paragraph.

Precisely. That's okay -- again it's a matter of style. But you're right, you have "minor" POV changes within your paragraph (omni -> Jayson (internal) -> omni again) and it might be a good idea to separate them.
 

maestrowork

Re: Scenes.

Jumping off the wagon a bit here:

The air was warm, almost motionless, and thick with the buzz of insects--it smelled fresh and clean and alive. Several picayune puffs of cloud floated lazily far above, their edges razor sharp against the deep cyan of the late afternoon sky.

I can't really imagine (maybe I am weird) how warm, stale (motionless), thick air with buzz of insects can be fresh and clean. I guess I lack the other details (maybe it's a morning after a spring shower?) to really get that image.

Also, adverbs. That's the thing you need to change during rewrite. Is it "drifted"? "Glided"? "Sailed"? Something more vivid and appropriate without using an -ly word.

:teeth
 

James D Macdonald

Re: re: paragraphs

After the intensity of their meeting with the police, Sylvie and Jayson had both felt drawn to the peaceful isolation of the soporific river running through the centre of Georgetown, and they held hands as they sauntered along the bank. The air was warm, almost motionless, and thick with the buzz of insects--it smelled fresh and clean and alive. Several picayune puffs of cloud floated lazily far above, their edges razor sharp against the deep cyan of the late afternoon sky. Sol beat down virtually unimpeded and Jayson's scalp had begun to tingle as perspiration collected in his hair and slalomed down the sides of his head. He was glad of the sensation, it confirmed they were out of the confines of the police station and away from everything it signified. Sylvie walked beside him with her face turned toward the water as it gurgled past.

“Tell me more about your mother, Jayson.”


<HR>

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>After the intensity of their meeting with the police, Sylvie and Jayson had both felt drawn to the peaceful isolation of the soporific river running through the centre of Georgetown, and they held hands as they sauntered along the bank.<hr></blockquote>

That's a bit of a run-on sentence. Watch the adjectives: peaceful isolation and soporific river. Is the comparison to Lethe intentional? Is a river running through central Georgetown really isolated? (In the USA, centre is usually spelled center.) Is "sauntered" the exact verb you want?

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>The air was warm, almost motionless, and thick with the buzz of insects--it smelled fresh and clean and alive.<hr></blockquote>

"Fresh" and "clean" aren't how I imagine thick, motionless air in the center of a southern city.

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>Several picayune puffs of cloud floated lazily far above, their edges razor sharp against the deep cyan of the late afternoon sky.<hr></blockquote>

Is "picayune" the right word? Is the alliteration intentional? Are the edges of puffs of cloud really razor sharp? Why say "cyan" if "blue" will do? Is either necessary? "Lazily" verges on pathetic fallacy territory.

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>Sol beat down virtually unimpeded and Jayson's scalp had begun to tingle as perspiration collected in his hair and slalomed down the sides of his head.<hr></blockquote>

"Sol"? Why make the readers pause to figure out the high-falutin' lingo? How is "virtually unimpeded" different from "unimpeded"? Must the reader imagine some unspecified impediment? Does "slalomed" fortify the image of warmth and peace?


<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>He was glad of the sensation, it confirmed they were out of the confines of the police station and away from everything it signified.<hr></blockquote>

Consider using a semicolon between "sensation" and "it." How does having sweat trickle through his hair confirm that he's finished with a police interrogation?

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr> Sylvie walked beside him with her face turned toward the water as it gurgled past.<hr></blockquote>

I'm having a hard time picturing her walking holding hands with him, not watching where she's going. Does the Potomac at Georgetown really gurgle?

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr> “Tell me more about your mother, Jayson.”<hr></blockquote>

I hope we aren't leading up to a coredump of exposition here.

<hr>
The comments we've seen, about POV shift and direction shift, are good ones. Please consider breaking this up into three smaller paragraphs, with the sentence structures a bit simplified. This is an establishing shot; it should go down fast and easy to put a picture in our readers' minds before we get to the important information.
 

ChunkyC

Re: paragraphs

Thanks for the detailed analysis, Uncle Jim.

A couple of quick things: this is chapter 23. The reader already knows this river is surrounded by parkland within a town, so it is isolated from the buildings, etc. of said town.

Okay, Sol is dumb (even if it is the proper name for our star). :rolleyes

Slalomed -- this is set in a mountain ski area, so I was trying to use words Jayson might use, allude to skiiers moving down a mountainside (yes, I know it's summer in the scene, but the winter and skiing permeates the culture of this town). Slaloming is a zig zag type of sking around poles, his sweat would be zig zagging around the hair on his head. This is how I see Jayson himself perceiving it and he is the POV character in this scene and protagonist of the story.

Your suggestions about adjectives is great. I want to evoke Jayson's feelings of having escaped from the interrogation into the open spaces he loves (he's a park warden, something the reader has known since the first chapter) and it seems I've overdone it. I'll go over it with your comments open beside me (and apply your suggestions throughout the work, of course).

Thanks...Chunky

PS - only too happy to have my stuff eviscerated in public if it means we get to see Uncle Jim wielding his formidable arsenal--yeah, this sentence might be a tad purplish, but it's accurate. :grin
 

James D Macdonald

Plagiarism

Imported, and slightly cleaned up, from another thread:

<hr>

Don't worry about scam agents pirating your works.

The only possible thing they could do with your manuscript would be sell it to a publisher -- and we know they won't do that, right? If they knew how to sell manuscripts to publishers they wouldn't need to be scammers.

I'm not a lawyer, and I don't play one on TV.

That being said:

Among the elements of proof in a copyright infringement you'll find "access." Independent creation is a defense against the allegation.

So, for someone to win a copyright infringement suit, you'll not only have your original materials, you'll have your correspondence with that individual.

Now it happens that plagairism does exist. For example: Ron Montana's Death in the Spirit House was plagiarized by Craig Strete, who published it as his own. Death in the Spirit House was eventually reprinted under Ron's name as Face in the Snow. In this case, however, it was an attempted collaboration gone horribly wrong -- WGA, mailing a copy to yourself, copyright registration, none of that would have helped, hindered, or made a darned bit of difference.

That's the only case that comes to mind in the past twenty years from the world of print fiction of an unpublished work being plagiarised.

Dawn Pauline Dunn and Susan Hartzell plagiarized Phantoms by Dean Koontz for two of their books, Crawling Dark and Demonic Color. In that case, Phantoms was already published, so prior existence wasn't hard to prove, and available for sale, so access wasn't hard to prove either.

One more plagiarism suit, this one from 1997: Janet Dailey copied from Nora Roberts; again this involved already-published books.


There have been whacko cases, of course. A lady who claimed that J. K. Rowling copied from her self-published children's books (thrown out of court when it was shown that the plaintiff had manufactured evidence). A lady from New Jersey who claimed that Stephen King had copied her unpublished manuscripts (by reading them through her window while flying by in his airplane) in a case that never made it to court.

Most plagiarism cases involve previously printed books, whose contents are lifted in whole or in part for unpublished works. Don't worry about it; just don't copy from someone else's book in your own.

This is without going into derivative works -- using another writer's characters and settings for your own work. No matter how much I like The Lord of the Rings I can't write my own fourth volume. That isn't, strictly speaking, plagiarism.

So ... until you're published, forget it.

On why you might not want to copyright your works before you start sending them around: Say you copyright your manuscript, and start the dance. It sells a year from now. It's scheduled for two years later. So you have a book coming out in 2007 with a 2004 copyright date on it. People spotting it on the shelves for the first time might think it was an old book. Or -- do you want the first editors who come to your novel to know how long it's been batting around the slushpiles of New York?

(I remember one that I saw in the early nineties that had a 1967 copyright on its title page. (I read that one all the way through, each page lifting my eyebrows a little bit higher, as I realized why it hadn't sold in the intervening 25 years. No, I'm not going to tell you the plot, lest the author be here and be embarassed, but I promise you, if I told you, you too would say "Yeah, I see why that one never sold."))

So -- "Poor Man's Copyright" is an urban legend. WGA registration is worthless in print publishing (for all that it might be useful in the world of screenplays). Real, live copyright is of marginal utility, and might do you more harm than good in the print world.

Put it out of your mind. Having your work stolen isn't the first or second thing that you should be worrying about when you're submitting your book.
 

ChunkyC

Re: rewrite

Maestro, I'll definitely post it so we can compare before/after shots and see how improved it is.

Speaking of before/after, I keep a file in the folder with each story with certain scenes that I feel have improved drastically in rewrite, so I can go back and review the surgeries (and remind myself of big boo-boos I want to stay away from).

Anybody else do this sort of thing?
 

PixelFish

Re: Plagiarism (Particularly the alleged Muggle theft)

RE: Plagiarism - The J.K. Rowling case was really whacky, as far as I could tell. The woman, Nancy Stouffer, had a list of a bunch of similarities, but most of the similarities revolved around common English names or terminology. (Furthermore, the works in question were A) a 32 page colouring book printed locally in the US for a very brief period of time (containing the characters Lilly and Larry Potter, brother and sister) and B) a schlocky YA-children's novel that was laughably bad and bore no resemblence to HP except for the fact that there was a race called Muggles. (JK Rowling adapted a bit of British slang to name non-magical humans "muggles". Her muggles and NKS's Muggle's were miles apart.) Still Nancy Stouffer published a list on her website, naming off various similarities, up to and including the incidence of a castle appearing on a cliff above a lake. If we had infringement lawsuits for everytime a castle appeared above a lake, half a bazillion fantasy authors would be arguing cases in court right now.

Of course, my personal favourite point from that case when Nancy Stouffer tried to point out that the title of the first HP book was Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, which was CLEARLY an infringement on Ms. Stouffer's work which contained a reference to a wizard stone or some such invention. (Much rolling of eyes ensued, since the original title words in the UK were "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" and the titular rock is actually a reference to alchemical lore, and is therefore, fair game for any aspiring fantasist. Elizabeth Enright refers to a philosopher's stone in her YA novel, Gone Away Lake, and that came out AGES and AGES ago--long before Ms. Stouffer could claim to have invented such a phrase.)
 

ChunkyC

paragraph rewrite

I've rewritten the paragraph Uncle Jim critiqued above, and believe some setup info is appropriate before we get to my revision, so that there are no misconceptions....

The setting is a fictional town called Georgetown in the front range of the Rocky Mountains of Alberta, Canada. It is right next to Banff National Park, where Jayson works as a Park Warden. (there actually was a town here called Georgetown, but it faded into history in the early part of the twentieth century.) In the first chapters of the book, the location of my fictional Georgetown is spelled out clearly.

And now, the revised paragraph:

* * * * After the intensity of their meeting with the police, Sylvie and Jayson had both felt drawn to the peaceful isolation of the Bow River. The air was fresh and clean and alive, and thick with the buzz of insects. Several tiny clouds floated above; picayune puffs daubed on the cyan canvas of the late afternoon sky.
* * * * The sun beat down unimpeded as they walked hand-in-hand along the riverbank. Jayson's scalp had begun to tingle as perspiration collected in his hair and slalomed down the sides of his head. He was glad of the sensation; it confirmed they were out of the confines of the air-conditioned police station and away from everything it signified.
* * * * Sylvie walked beside him with her face turned toward the water as it gurgled past. “Tell me more about your mother, Jayson.”

Now, to respond to some of Uncle Jim's comments (see his post of earlier today) and why I've decided to leave in some elements despite his concerns:

Picayune means insignificant, contemptible or petty. Describing a completely empty sky would be boring, no? I want this word because it exemplifies how small an affect these clouds will have on the sunlight striking Jayson in the next sentence. And the alliteration is intentional. I happen to like it, as long as it has a 'musical' cadence and is used sparingly.

I used 'cyan' because 'blue' has to be the most bland word you could use to describe the colour of the sky. In the mountains (where I live), on a bright summer day with a mile less atmosphere above you than at sea level, cyan is exactly what the sky appears to be.

In the first version, I used 'virtually unimpeded' to refer to the tiny clouds that might have offered some impediment to the sun, but Uncle Jim is right about it cluttering things up. In the revised version, I believe unimpeded now more clearly reflects the insignificance of the clouds, and reinforces the use of the word 'picayune'.

As for how sweat trickling through his hair reinforces that he's finished with the interrogation, it punctuates that he's now outside in the hot sun instead of trapped inside the cop shop. I added 'air-conditioned' to help with this.

Sylvie holding hands with Jayson and watching the river--they are on a path she knows well (they were there before in an earlier chapter), but more important: she trusts Jayson not to lead her astray. I wanted a subtle symbolism there. And gurgling--it's a shallow mountain river flowing slowly over a rocky bottom.

Uncle Jim's fear that I might be headed for an expository dump: though Jayson and Sylvie do talk about their pasts as the chapter progresses, I've tried hard to intersperse some lover's playfulness and other business as the key info I want to get out is presented to the reader.

I hope y'all had as much fun with this as I did. Thanks everyone for your input. :grin
 

qatz

miscellaney

Chunky, interesting re-write, but for me it still founders on the first, inappropriate verb. This is not perfect tense. "Had" is overworked 70% of the time, and here it has to go.

Pix, thank you for an excellent commentary on infringement suits.

U. Jim, great observations on the opening. Your audience awaits further developments. Oh, and I did not see this earlier for some reason, but your post on plagiarism is both correct and salient. Thank you.

I am thinking in my indirect way of the method and theory of analogical thinking. I hope to post something soon.

Q
 

PixelFish

Re: Plagiarism

Picayune means insignificant, contemptible or petty. Describing a completely empty sky would be boring, no?

Describing the sky at all seems....a little redundant. This scene reminds me of Mark Twain's preface on the weather not appearing in a particular book. (Of course, I promptly went looking for occurences of Weather.)

Use of the word picayune draws the reader's attention, which doesn't really work with the effect you are trying to achieve.

I want this word because it exemplifies how small an affect these clouds will have on the sunlight striking Jayson in the next sentence.

(If the effect of the clouds had upon the sunlight was all that small, would Jayson even have noticed them?)

I used 'cyan' because 'blue' has to be the most bland word you could use to describe the colour of the sky. In the mountains (where I live), on a bright summer day with a mile less atmosphere above you than at sea level, cyan is exactly what the sky appears to be.

BTW, I second the notion about the cyan sky. The colour adjective is really unnecessary, unless the sky is an atypical colour reflecting a weather condition not easily described.

I have been to the Canadian Rockies and Banff, as I used to live in Calgary, and I agree it is a lovely place with a nice, clear sky, but does the sky description really move the story forward? (Furthermore, the description doesn't delineate the setting any more clearly. Every place has sky, and unless you are London or Seattle, clear sky is not an oddity or something to remark upon. The fricking huge mountains are much more unique to my mind.)
 

maestrowork

Important details

You need to pick out the details that are important to the scene or plot. Arguing about whether the clouds are insignificant, resulting in Jayson's sweating under the sun seems to me much ado about nothing. It doesn't seem important. I concur with Uncle Jim that you need to describe the setting and scene quickly, paint a picture, then move on to the story. List out what are important here, the describe them as effortlessly as possible:

sky is blue
clouds are scarce
Sun is hot
Air is fresh and clean
insects are buzzing
water is running nearby
Jayson is sweating (does it matter if he's sweating or not? We don't know the rest of the scene...)

- what mood?
- what pace?
- what imageries? (be coherent here)
- can the readers imagine the rest, or is it so out of this world that you have to describe it in such details?
 

ChunkyC

Re: miscellaney

Maestro, Pixel, qatz, thanks for the additional input.

What I'm trying to do is describe a peaceful scene devoid of the recent anxiety both my characters have just experienced. I'm trying to get across Jayson's sense of relief at 'escaping' from the interview with the police, into the environment he loves. The beauty and tranquility of the riverside is what I'm after, because before the chapter is over, I'm gonna shatter this picture Jayson has in his mind into a million pieces.

Good point about the mountains, Pixel, it's just that I've used them before in scene-setting and I don't want to overdo that, which is probably why I went for describing the sky instead this time around, and also because later in the scene, they are sunbathing topless (the year is 2043 & laws have changed) and Jayson uses the heat and danger of prolonged exposure to the sun as an excuse to try to get her to put her top back on (his attitudes are somewhat conservative in this regard).

Even so, perhaps I should stick to the river in this first paragraph. It's Jayson and Sylvie's 'comfort' place, which is why they went there. Maybe I could have him consider the sky at the more appropriate sunbathing moment. Contemplation beckons.

Once again, thanks for the comments everyone, I'll keep working at it.

PS - qatz; first thing to go this time around: 'had both' - Thanks
 

maestrowork

Re: Plagiarism

In that context, why don't you describe the scene in relation to Jayson's mind? From Jayson's point of view? Work up some contradictions/internal conflicts, etc. Instead of just using big adjectives to try to "create the mood"? It might make it more relevant, yet gripping.

Here's something I may do (by no means you should write this way. Choose your own words, but this is just an example what *I* may do, based on your texts):

Note: you shouldn't "tell" the readers that "after the interogation... they're drawn to the Bow River..." There's nothing wrong with that, but I personally would prefer the readers to infer to all that (they know the chapter before it is about the police interogation... and now they are at the Bow River...)


The Bow River ran north to south, twisting its way under stone bridges and between two rows of oak trees -- a broad ribbon of sapphire tying the old city of Georgetown with a shimmering bow. The air was crisp and clean, alive with the buzz of insects. Small fragments of clouds drifted across the cobalt sky. Sylvie and Jayson had always felt drawn to the tranquility and peace there, also to a sense of isolation. Now they were back to this world. Away from the other.

The sun beat down unimpeded as they walked along the riverbank. Jayson's hand locked with Sylvie's, and he felt a tingly sensation as sweat streamed down the sides of his face. He welcomed it, knowing that he was now gone from the confined world of the cold police station and into this free world of his own.

Sylvie glanced at the water, her hands warm in Jayson's grip. She turns to Jayson. “Tell me more about your mother," she said.

I didn't write well here, but you get some ideas. A couple things: Sylvie and Jayson walked hand-in-hand... therefore Sylvie WAS walking beside Jayson. No need to say that again. So watch for redundancy. Now if you look at it again, are the clouds important? Do they add to the scene or is totally irrelevant? If they're irrelevant, cut.

Sugggestion is to use some coherent imagineries: ribbon, sapphire, bow... to tie to the "Bow river" and also give a sense of life. Also use parallels: "away from this world"... "from the cold world..." "into the world..." Etc. Etc.
 

ChunkyC

Re: Important details

Yeah, I like what you are saying. You have some interesting ideas about how to approach the setup before the dialogue. Funny you mention bridges, the case they were interviewed for involves a body found under a nearby bridge. 0] < closest icon available for paranormal experience :D

I'd like say to all that this has been incredibly educational for me. My achilles heel has always been descriptive narrative. I started this off to look at paragraphing, yet have found assistance I did not expect. I hope everyone else can find something useful here.

Now I must go murder my darlings.... :cry

PS - how come you get to use 'cobalt' and I can't use 'cyan'? Just kidding. :lol
 

maestrowork

Re: miscellaney

Because! Note I use ribbon and sapphire to describe the river, so to parallel that I can now use cobalt. Hee hee.
 

James D Macdonald

A Round-up

Over the course of the past several months I've recommended various books and movies. Here's a all-in-one-post roundup:

===================
Logical Chess: Move by Move

Anglo-Scots folk ballads

The Bulwer-Lytton contest

Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses

Miriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

The Chicago Manual of Style

Roget's International Thesaurus

The Elements of Style

The Haunted Author

I Am A Professional Writer

Turkey City Lexicon

The Sobering Saga of Myrtle the Manuscript

The Unstrung Harp; or, Mr. Earbrass Writes a Novel

Standard manuscript format

The Miller's Tale

The Trojan Women

Turk's Head

The Sun, the Moon, and the Stars

Misery

China Mountain Zhang

"Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God"

How Lucky Can You Get?

On Writing

Magic As A Hobby

A magic trick

Alice in Wonderland

Viable Paradise

The Evil Overlord Plot Generator

sex, lies, and videotape

Armageddon

Sweeney Todd In Concert

Rules for Writing

Elmore Leonard

My Week as a Pod Person

Moonlight Becomes You

3rd person omniscient

"Bad Blood"

The Murder of Roger Akroyd

Frankenstein

Christine

The Brothers Karamazov

A Christmas Carol

Scrivener's Error

The Price of the Stars

Flowchart I

Flowchart II

The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

Richard II

Lime Pie

The Standard Deviations of Writing

Slush I

Slush II

Confessions of a Slush Reader

Captains Courageous

Writing

Boing-Boing

Marketlist.com

Writer's Market

Minority Report

L.A. Confidential

Writing and Publishing 101

Rules for Writers

Red Harvest

Yojimbo

Last Man Standing

Miller's Crossing

Writing Links and Links for Writers

story

How Much for Just the Planet

My homepage

Chess quotes

Celtic Knotwork I

Celtic Knotwork II

Celtic Art: The Methods of Construction

Circle of Magic

1984

Moby-Dick

All Quiet on the Western Front

Dark City

The Fellowship of the Ring

Romeo And Juliet

Dr. Faustus

InArt 3

Big Words A to F

Big Words G to N

Big Words O to Z

Mid-List Writer

Joe Scalzi on Mid-List Writer

Nihilistic Kid on Mid-List Writer

Discussion of that silly Salon article

Ten pieces of very good advice

The Postman Always Rings Twice

Accidental Strength

Death in the Spirit House

Face in the Snow

Stouffer/Rowling

Plagiarism
 
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troutwaxer

Re: Plagiarism

On the subject of POV, I've got to agree with maestrowork. What makes a story interesting for me is getting to follow a character with an interesting or unique point of view. Tell about what's happening from one of their POVs and give that character some fun thoughts about what is happening or what has just happened. (For my money, at least within SF, you can't do better for an interesting POV character than Lois McMaster Bujold's Miles Vorkosign. I think "Memory" is a particularly good example.)

How 'bout this:

<blockquote>
After their meeting with the police, Jayson had been drawn to the peace and isolation of the Bow River. Going outdoors had been a natural, somehow the intensity of the interrogation had merged in his mind with the sounds of the building. As they left the station, he'd been frantic to get away from the ringing phones, the click of computer keyboards, the stale smells and subliminal buzz of the air conditioning system. Here, where the air was clean and full of natural sound, Jayson could relax and come back to himself. He let out a relieved sigh and glanced at the sky. Several tiny clouds floated above; picayune puffs daubed on the cyan canvas of late afternoon.</blockquote>

Being involved, however, peripherally, in a murder investigation should bring up issues for even the soundest mind, and the POV character(s) should have some kind of interior monologue going on, and that monologue and those issues, and any memories they bring up should be interesting. I'm going to make stuff up here since I don't know your book, but go with me.

<blockquote>
Sylvie glanced at the water, her hands warm in Jayson's grip. She turns to Jayson. “Tell me more about your mother," she said.

Jason sighed. The events surrounding his mother's long descent into madness were well known and he'd expected such a question from the cops, but hearing it from Sylvie, who'd always been sensitive to his issues, undermined all his defenses. Suddenly he was young and back at home, his mother screaming that he was now one of them because he'd failed to wear his tinfoil hat to school. The last thing he wanted was to talk about his mother. They'd taken her away a long time ago, and the scars were, if not healed, at least well buried. "You know my mother," he told Sylvie, hoping she'd back off, "what's to know?"

"No." Sylvie's voice was gentle, but very firm. "I mean your real mother."
</blockquote>

troutwaxer
 

ChunkyC

Re: tinfoil hats

Welcome to the paragraph vivisection class, trout!

Yes, I've come to see that I was initially trying to be overly poetic (and ended up with something clumsy), even when trying to be true to Jayson's feelings about being free of the cop shop.

Each round of revision is slowly banging it into shape. I'm going to keep these posts open on my screen when I go at the whole chapter this weekend, and toss the newly minted version (of the same opening paragraphs) up when done.

If anyone thinks this should be a separate thread, I'm certainly amenable. :)
 

Dancre

Re: Plagiarism

hi chunky,
i have to say, your story sounds interesting. but i'd like to throw in my two cents, if i may. i agree with jim, keep it simple. i for one have never heard of the word picayune and had to look it up in the dictionary. remember there are some folks out there who are like me, and have a limited use of the English language. (in otherwords, we don't understand big words. :eek: ) as for cyan, well i understand that the sky is cyan color but it's been over twenty years since i've been to colorado. i don't remember what the colorado sky looks like, and cyan doesn't bring a picture to my mind. how about just say

Several tiny clouds floated above; white puffs daubed on the dark blue canvas of late afternoon.

and don't you want to keep a showey run through the story? it seems to me picayune and cyan are rather telley.
i know it seems a small thing, but i just hate having to run to my dictionary. on the other hand, i've learned a new word.
and remember avoid having a picayune day. keep smiling!
kim
 

PixelFish

Re: A Round-up

Oh, hey, Chunky....regarding the topless sunbathing: while Alberta doesn't yet have such laws, Ontario allows women to go around topless as far as I know, so there is certainly a precedent in Canada. FYI. (Probably useless knowledge, but hey....)
 

ChunkyC

Re: the evolving paragraph

Kim, thanks for your two cents, really. And Pixel, that's exactly what led me to incorporate that particular item later in this scene.

And once more, a revised paragraph:

Sweat slalomed down Jayson's scalp and tickled the creases behind his ears before soaking into the collar of his shirt. It didn't matter. In fact, he welcomed it. He tilted his head back and squinted at the few puffs of cloud spoiling the perfection of the late afternoon sky...much better than the naked bulbs in the ceiling of the interview room...much better to be hand-in-hand with Sylvie, feet crunching on gravel, the air warm and clean and thick with the buzzing of insects as the Bow River gurgled across the rocky bottom next to them--

"Tell me more about your mother, Jayson."

"Huh?"

I await your thoughts...
 

Dancre

Re: the evolving paragraph

In fact, he welcomed it. He tilted his head back and squinted at the few puffs of cloud spoiling the perfection of the late afternoon sky...much better than the naked bulbs in the ceiling of the interview room...much better to be hand-in-hand with Sylvie, feet crunching on gravel, the air warm and clean and thick with the buzzing of insects as the Bow River gurgled across the rocky bottom next to them--


I like that!! now i have a picture in my head. good job!! not picayune at all. ;)
kim
 

ChunkyC

Re: the evolving paragraph

Kim - the joy I like that!! fills me with makes this whole exercise anything but picayune. :heart

I had been thinking of this paragraph as a long shot bringing us in closer to Sylvie and Jayson until we were right with them when the dialogue starts. Then I had an epiphany after the last few posts that end with trout's. I needed to start off inside Jayson's mind and bring us out instead. I'm so happy you think it works. :D
 
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