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Okay, folks: Do you turn the page?
I wouldn't turn page one, but I attempted page two and couldn't physically force myself to actually read the description; I had to skim it.
I loathe blocks of description, particularly when it's a description of blocks.
On a more constructive note, my main thought while reading this was why am I meant to care about any of this? I definitely don't care that a clinic or a hospital exists because I have no reason to. The characters, such as they are, make only fleeting appearances and then only to speak in that sort of mannered, stilted dialog beginning writers think sounds writery. It reads as writing, which is self-conscious and that always makes me uncomfortable as a reader. It makes me feel like I'm not in good hands.
"Morning folks, this is your captain speaking. You'll be glad to know I've wanted to be a pilot all my life, so we're going to give flying a try today."
Like that.
I'm not sure any of this was actually constructive. Let's try again...
I'm sure the hospital, the clinic (was there a clinic?), the snack bar, and the arthritic waitress are all very important to the story, but I've no reason to think so, or wonder why so, in what's been offered so far.
Characters hook the reader, not architecture.
-Jason
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