I thought that was telling ... how about this example:
He exaggerated a yawn and felt, more than saw, her rush him again.
He exaggerated a yawn and felt, more than saw, her rush him again.
James D. Macdonald said:I'll be Away from the computer for a week or so.
Keep writing!
James D. Macdonald said:Yes.
Allynegirl said:I thought that was telling ... how about this example:
He exaggerated a yawn and felt, more than saw, her rush him again.
Actually, I thought the original words were just fine. I think your suggestion is too wordy.janetbellinger said:I would take out the "felt rather than saw" and say something like this:
He forced out a yawn, feigning indifference but could not anticipate her rush into him, which knocked him to the ground. His teeth clanked together as he hit the asphault.
retterson said:Can I say you're both wrong (retterson said, laughing out loud instead of only in my head!)?
....Snipped for Length....
Dare I add that this is my humble understanding of English grammar?
(Caveat -- please forgive me if someone else already weighed in on this one -- I'm working my way through the thread.)
UH OH... Prior experience?retterson said:I imagined a man feigning boredom and a wife coming at him with frying pan.
<grin>
Allynegirl said:The dirk was pulled from the belt
leads toAaron disarmed her and planted the bottom of his staff just under her sternum.
She lay in the grass, curled in a fetal position,
James D Macdonald said:My next suggestion is also going to be work: Take your favorite novel.
Now, retype the first chapter. Do this with your writer's eye, not your reader's eye. Think about the lengths of the sentences, the lengths of the paragraphs, the sounds of the words. Think about the order of the scenes. Notice the dialog. How are the dialog tags rendered? Where is the point of view?
Oh, that's right, just edit your post to extinction so that mine makes absolutely no sense anymore. I see how it is!retterson said:ACK! I just found JDM's undiluted thread!
retterson said:Let me preface my long post here with: I'm not a arbiter or style maven; I just find that when people tell me how they read a thing (or the many different ways they could have read it), it helps joggle my mind and focus my writing. Hope the following helps.
Here's what I think is problematic about your above quote.
I don't understand what you mean by exaggerating a yawn. Did he feign a yawn (as in to indicate boredom) or was his yawn to cover up something? Or, as Casi mentioned below, because he wants to signal that he's awake? Do you need to explain (i.e., show) to us what it going on that would cause his yawn to be exaggerated? (I can't tell because I don't know what comes before or after this.)
In my very humble and admittedly inexperienced opinion, I think this is one instance when an adverb is in order, in other words instead of exaggerating a yawn, he could yawn hugely or widely or something.