The "I'm sorry" thread

you weren't doing much with it anyway. At least now that part of you has a life.


I'm sorry your dog died after it ate my chocolate pudding, but...

...a dog shouldn't be eating chocolate pudding anyway.

I'm sorry I poured that gasoline in your living room and threw in a match, but...

...it's obvious you're going to need one soon.

I'm sorry I dumped that load of elephant dung in your front yard, but...

...that's just a Russian's way of saying "I like you."

I'm sorry I emptied your Tylenol bottle and filled it with Xtasy, but...

...I know how stiff you get in interviews, and I thought it would make your conversation more colorful.

I'm sorry I told your blind date you were contemplating a sex change, but...

...I remember you once said that money is the root of all evil.

I'm sorry I told your boss you had done ten years for embezzling, but...

but look at your marriage license.

i'm sorry i used your shi tsu to mop my floor but

but the little fellow did great in the nooks and crannies and ate all the larger bits.

I'm sorry I sent your home porn movie to your boss by accident but...

at least he isn't showing it to anyone else. and he's interested in making one too. with you.


i'm sorry that i sent that gross of debbie cakes to you at your weight watchers meeting

but I hope those other fatties left some for you.


I'm sorry I drove over your foot but...

...you wouldn't believe what great prosthetics they have nowadays.

I'm sorry I used your dog in my biology class to teach dissection, but...

I'm sorry I used your dog in my biology class to teach dissection, but he was going to die soon anyways.

I'm sorry I scream other names in bed but...

I didn't think you'd mind since he was already dead by the side of the road when I found him.


ETA: oops simultaneous posting. Picking up from Shay's...


I'm sorry I scream other names in bed but...they sound so much better than your name.

I'm sorry I used your name and address for all my internet surfing activities but...

I'm sorry I used your name and address for all my internet surfing activities but, think of all those stories you'll have time to write while you rot in prison.

I'm sorry you're in prison but...

there's a little wounded birdie sitting in your window


i'm sorry that i replaced your mother's ashes with kitty litter but...

I'm sorry you're in prison but...I hear the food's good.




ETA: Argh, second time today I've posted seconds apart from someone. So, picking up Shakeysix's:

i'm sorry that i replaced your mother's ashes with kitty litter but...at least it was already used and clumped together for easier scattering...er tossing.

I'm sorry no one's following you on Twitter but...

life's too short, frankly.


I'm sorry I blew up your house but...

...it made such a pretty sight, because I put special chemicals in the explosive and it was almost as spectacular as fireworks on the Fourth-of-July or New Year's Eve, and I hope you rebuild it real soon so I can blow it up again.

I'm sorry you lost your wedding ring down the drain, but...

...my husband is a plumber.

I'm sorry I ate the last bagel, but...

face it, bagels have gone to your butt


i'm sorry i made your sandwich with peanut butter from the carter administration