The "I'm sorry" thread

... I wanted to see you topless and that seemed the most practical way. I mean, it was, wasn't it?

I'm sorry you were unimpressed when I tried to belch the alphabet, but ...

...you did get bits of your meal on my new jacket.

I'm sorry your favorite show got canceled, but...

... you've got really lousy taste!

I'm sorry my cat is smarter than you are, but...

...'You are' is still in a vegative state, so please don't poke fun.

I'm sorry the price of fruitcake has soared recently, but...

... fruitcake has nasty things lurking under the surface so it's just as well.

I'm sorry a perky 18 year old necromancer is creating zombies to drive you out of your diner that sits on the ancient site of the portal to the realm of the elder gods, but ...

but you know what they say: location, location, location.

I'm sorry you're scared of being attacked by a fleet of paper planes, but...

...since I've seen people making knives out of cigarette butts, a fleet of paper planes are a force to be reckoned with.

I'm sorry you were too pig-headed to take your doctor's advice, but...

...now that your head has indeed turned into a pig's head, you can earn a lot of money at county fairs.

I'm sorry you were thrown off the plane for running up and down the aisles singing "Stairway to Heaven," but...

when the flight attendant asked, "What would you like?" she wasn't putting together a playlist.

I'm sorry you fear there will be a void in your life after the campaign ads stop, but ...

...why not form a neighborhood association to greet new residents in your neighborhood and run for Chairman of the Welcome Wagon?

I'm sorry every candidate you voted for lost, but...

...on the bright side, the elections are OVER! WoooooHooooo!

I'm sorry you aren't aging well, but...

...a dozen Martinis a day do not keep the doctor away.

I'm sorry you always run around telling everybody the end of a mystery movie before they've seen it, but...

...pure evil needs a vessel every now and then.

I'm sorry your investment portfolio took such a tremendous beating recently, but...

...now it matches your face.

I'm sorry your mother never hugged you, but...

... can you blame her?

I'm sorry you are alive, but ...

...with some physical therapy and facial reconstruction you'll be good as new.

I'm sorry werewolves invaded your place of business, but...

...just be a little more patient and you can read all about it in my upcoming horror autobiography.


I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were having a crush on James Dean, but...

I didn't realize you were referring to his Porsche.


I'm sorry you're so upset about the election results, but ...

... but don't you think calling for revolution is going overboard.

I'm sorry you accidently listed "Eggplant Parmesian" in the "Things that Rock A-Z" thread, when clearly it belongs in the "Things that do NOT Rock A-Z" thread, but ...

...your ban from AW will give you some time to think about what you've done.

I'm sorry mutant flies carried your beloved cockapoo away, but

...now you can try and make some friends.

I'm sorry your wife won't sleep with you, but...

...your crying during love making is a real turn off.

I'm sorry your accountant absconded with all your money to Fiji, but

...you can always try suicide or get work at McDonald's.

I'm sorry your child is a delinquent, but...

...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I'm sorry your house is being demolished to make room for a Walmart, but...

...your picketing and sign touting is getting you noticed by the police.

I'm sorry they didn't have any fresh mangos at the local grocery store, but