...here's a big can of Spam. Serve it with dressing, yams, creamed onions, peas, mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts, squash, and lots of cranberry sauce, and your guests won't know the difference.
I'm sorry I told your three-year-old there isn't any Santa Claus, but...
...I had an extra bag of kitty litter, and how was I supposed to know if ...I mean...well...I thought I heard a "meow" coming from the box...Or else I didn't...I mean...
But I think it is up on blocks in the cow pasture across from my house. Too bad about the tires but the confederate flag, the Mexican Hat Dance klaxon and the coyote hunting searchlights are a real attention grabber. I'm sure the leasing company will appreciate the reno.
I'm sorry that the stray you have been feeding turns out to be a rabid bobcat but …
...if it nibbles on you, and if you start to experience tremors or something, it's probably too late for treatment--rabies in humans is almost always fatal--but I suggest you check in at a hospital ER anyway. Good luck!
I'm sorry I put the piranhas in your swimming pool, but...
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