The "I'm sorry" thread

it was the only copy because it's terrible, and now you don't have to read that drivel.

I'm sorry you burned the roast but...

With enough gravy slathered on it, you won't notice the charcoally bits......as much.

I'm sorry you were so sleepy you put your underwear over your pants this morning....but....

those neon blue sharkskin trousers should be hidden from view whenever possible.


I'm sorry that the Buddy Holly look is back but

the '50s hairstyles provide yet another use for coconut oil.

I'm sorry I left the book I borrowed from you out in the rain, but

but it was "Rain" by Somerset Maugham so I figured the library would thank me for enhancing the cover art.

I am sorry that you are being stalked by Miss Sadie Thompson but

Ever since she lost her cat she has become a little unhinged.

I'm sorry you haven't heard from me since Christmas but...

I had this work thing I had to do.

I'm sorry I put a dent in your back bumper but...

wait till you see what I did to your car!

I'm sorry that your new neighbor was recently featured as Nightmare Next Door on the Investigation and Discovery Channel but ...

At least you were on live TV.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you your windows were down during last night's rain but...

as I approached your door I was struck by lightning and my brain got so fried that I literary donut nohow to finesse this sent

I'm sorry to hear that you've been reincarnated as an amoeba but...

...now you can get around to so many places, and nobody will even know you are there--unless you cause problems.

I'm sorry I took the pedals off your bicycle, but...

But at least I left the training wheels.

I'm sorry that I soft boiled your Easter eggs ...

but if you dip them in chocolate, maybe you can pass them off as Easter Creme Eggs.

I'm sorry your aunt still thinks five dollars in your birthday card is a lot of money but

...her favorite singers are the Brady Bunch Kids, so what can you expect?

I'm sorry they refused to serve you at Starbucks, but...

but......it's frowned upon if you stand in line.....naked......for your coffee. Yeah, just don't do it.....again.

I'm sorry that you have that boil on your nose....

but thank goodness all that heavy drinking has turned your nose into a large red blob anyway, so probably no one will notice.

I'm sorry I taught your parrot to swear, but

he'll make the Mormons that bother you really uncomfortable, so I figured you wouldn't mind.

I'm sorry I spent grandma's social security check on cigarettes and bags of Reeses, but

but.....you had that addiction to tobacco and peanut butter that could only be cured by........hookers....or chugging gallons of goat's milk and eating tripe.

I'm sorry that I pay so much for my cell phone and it still can't read my mind.

I'm sorry that I pay so much for my cell phone and it still can't read my mind, but I suppose that's just life, right?

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I'm sorry that I came home early, found you naked and slobbery, engaged in what could only be described as dog sex---sex in the style of a dog, as per the style of our dog, how it humps things from behind things, without eye contact---standing there, behind that woman, in my bed, performing dog-style sex with a strange woman I don't even know, both of you facing me as I walked into my own room with our dog---who, like me, was probably horrified by the dog-style sex you were performing---with the blinds open, and our neighbour probably even watching, and with dishes piled up in the sink that you said you'd take care of, including the carving knife I happened to bring upstairs, thinking the pounding might be an intruder, only to find her on all fours looking stupidly at our dog, looking stupidly up at me and the knife, her face wincing with regret and maybe shame and a little bit of fear, while you hump your last few humps with crossed, overly-protrudent eyeballs, upright behind her like a big stupid dog, but....

but if it absorbed your thoughts, it would never be able to function as a smart phone again.

I'm sorry my installation art piece involved your dog but

Oops -- two of us replied at once. I'll have another go.

at least there won't be a charge for porn tonight on my cable bill.

I'm sorry my installation art piece involved your dog, but

At least the dog I was humping was from the bar and not the pound....whew.....that was a close one.

Gwarsh, and I'm sorry that Creep temporarily lost his eyesight during...."the viewing of the incident"

but his mother probably warned him not to do that or he'd go blind.

I'm sorry I put bubble bath in the dishwasher but

And the bubbles overflowed the seals and onto the floor....which made your floor cleaner (trust me, I've done this before).

I'm sorry that I'm stuck in a rut.

...but it's your rut, so don't complain to the rest of us, because we have ruts of our own.

I'm sorry I didn't compliment you on your singing, but...