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Thread: Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

  1. #4251
    illiterate primate Bing Z's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guttersquid View Post
    All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.
    Give the guy a name* and it's perfect (at least to me).

    * On second thought, not necessary a name. A nick or job title (the "transporter" or something) will do as well but then you may need a transition/intro into his name.

  2. #4252
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    Thumbs up agree

    Quote Originally Posted by Bing Zabriskie View Post
    Give the guy a name* and it's perfect (at least to me).

    * On second thought, not necessary a name. A nick or job title (the "transporter" or something) will do as well but then you may need a transition/intro into his name.

  3. #4253
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    New three

    Alright, I came up with a new opening spot for my novel and, after writing a new page or so, a new first three. Hopefully an improvement.

    After a few minutes hanging with his feet stretched, the tips of his toes dangling a few inches from the floor, Jack thinks to himself, this isn’t going to work. I’m not even really choking here—and I can still breathe. Jack gives the silk necktie stretched above his head a few short tugs at the nape of his neck as he hears the shower shut off in the bathroom just outside the walk-in closet.

  4. #4254
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    Quote Originally Posted by guttersquid View Post
    All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.
    My only problem with this is, who's narrating? But then, it's three lines.

  5. #4255
    Just pokin' about Anna Spargo-Ryan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WyattEarp View Post
    Alright, I came up with a new opening spot for my novel and, after writing a new page or so, a new first three. Hopefully an improvement.

    After a few minutes hanging with his feet stretched, the tips of his toes dangling a few inches from the floor, Jack thinks to himself, this isn’t going to work. I’m not even really choking here—and I can still breathe. JackHe gives the silk necktie stretched above his head a few short tugs at the nape of his neck . he hears The shower shuts off in the bathroom just outside the walk-in closet.
    There are just way too many words here.
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  6. #4256
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    First three lines of my current WIP:

    I still remember my exact thought when I met my first alien. It wasn’t the fact that I had to carry the weight of being the first human contacted by another race. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about how scared I was. No, my first thought was "damn, I can’t believe I have to picture this nasty thing having sex."

  7. #4257
    writer, rider, reader...ex-pat! BethS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neporsche View Post
    Ok here are my three.

    Hank watched the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled and whispered, "I think I'll call you guppy."
    That second sentence makes absolutely no sense. The syntax is garbled. Something is missing.
    Last edited by BethS; 01-29-2013 at 02:51 AM.

  8. #4258
    writer, rider, reader...ex-pat! BethS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris41336 View Post
    First three lines of my current WIP:

    I still remember my exact thought when I met my first alien. It wasn’t the fact that I had to carry the weight of being the first human contacted by another race. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about how scared I was. No, my first thought was "damn, I can’t believe I have to picture this nasty thing having sex."
    Great voice. This is good. I would keep reading.

    No quotes around the thought, though. Quotes are only for dialogue.

  9. #4259
    Tribal Wanderer Writelock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BethS View Post
    That second sentence makes absolutely no sense. The syntax is garbled. Something is missing.
    Lmao I swear it made sense before I edited it twice ... scount's honor.
    Off to the edit button again!

    Edit: Returned to the original form ... and now I hate the passage for all its errors. Lol. Seriously, thank you one and all for opening my eyes with this piece.
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  10. #4260
    Tribal Wanderer Writelock's Avatar
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    Ok I'm posting a revised first three lines based on your critiques and advice.

    Hank stared at the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In the corner of the filthy room, just behind the fish tank, a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled at him. "I think I'll call you guppy."
    The artist formally known as "Ne".

  11. #4261
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    Quote Originally Posted by BethS View Post
    Great voice. This is good. I would keep reading.

    No quotes around the thought, though. Quotes are only for dialogue.

    I only quoted this because I wasn't sure if the italics would translate to the forums from the copy/paste, but thanks! haha

  12. #4262
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    Quote Originally Posted by chris41336 View Post
    I only quoted this because I wasn't sure if the italics would translate to the forums from the copy/paste, but thanks! haha
    No, the italics wouldn't translate, but you can use the menu above the reply box to add italics to text. And many other things, too.

  13. #4263
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin Sister Ray's Avatar
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    Technically this is the first three lines of the book I'm editing, but it's currently got all my attention.

    “Forty percent unemployment,” said my dad to my mom as he read the paper. He held up the headline so that she could see. “Look at that.”
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  14. #4264
    I agree with Roxxsmom.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sister Ray View Post
    Technically this is the first three lines of the book I'm editing, but it's currently got all my attention.

    “Forty percent unemployment,” said my dad to my mom as he read the paper. He held up the headline so that she could see. “Look at that.”
    I think it would be difficult to hold up a headline. Maybe this:

    "Forty percent unemployment," said my dad to my mom. He held the newspaper up so she could read the headline. "Look at that."

  15. #4265
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    Quote Originally Posted by guttersquid View Post
    I think it would be difficult to hold up a headline. Maybe this:

    "Forty percent unemployment," said my dad to my mom. He held the newspaper up so she could read the headline. "Look at that."
    I did not catch that! Thanks. I've changed "headline" to "front page."
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  16. #4266
    My name is PJ. P-Jay's Avatar
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    Me too! Me too!

    The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.


    Thanks in advance! Reps will be added!

  17. #4267
    Tribal Wanderer Writelock's Avatar
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    Heya PJ,

    I like the opening except for the first sentence. Personally, think it would be even stronger if you started with "I've never seen so much blood in my life." Then the t-shirt line and drop the rain all together, (unless it matters later on) but that's just me. Either way, I'd keep reading.

    ~N
    The artist formally known as "Ne".

  18. #4268
    My name is PJ. P-Jay's Avatar
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    Thanks for the input and kind words, Neporsche!

    The rain does play a part in the scene. I did try and integrate it into another sentence, but it ended up sounding way too cluttered.

  19. #4269
    Tribal Wanderer Writelock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by P-Jay View Post
    Thanks for the input and kind words, Neporsche!

    The rain does play a part in the scene. I did try and integrate it into another sentence, but it ended up sounding way too cluttered.
    Well then let it raiiiinnnnnnnn!!!! LOL I had to ask, as I have a pathological hatred of including weather for no reason. Damn it, now I want to know why Nathan was screaming.

    ~N
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  20. #4270
    My name is PJ. P-Jay's Avatar
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    I think I might bump the third sentence up to the second sentence.

    from

    The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

    to

    The heavy rain slides off my chin. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony.

  21. #4271
    New family member Russ Mars's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neporsche View Post
    Damn it, now I want to know why Nathan was screaming. ~N
    He's got a wound and it's bleeding—a lot.

    Damn, it's only three sentences, weren't you paying attention?
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  22. #4272
    I agree with Roxxsmom.
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    [QUOTE=P-Jay;7916069]
    The heavy rain slides off my chin. I remove my t-shirt and push it against Nathan’s wound as he screams in agony. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.

    Maybe it's just me, but when I think of something sliding off of something else, I think of it as no longer where it was. As in "The hammer slides off the roof." The hammer is no longer on the roof.

    I know you don't mean the rain slides off the chin and now the chin is dry, right? I assume it's raining hard and the "sliding off" is continuous, and maybe you're trying not to use a simple verb like "runs."

    You might say a waterfall cascades off the rocks above, but I doubt you'd say it slides off.

    Am I making sense?

    Edited to say: Oh, yeah, forgot to say I like it, though. It's a grabber.
    Last edited by guttersquid; 01-29-2013 at 05:48 AM.

  23. #4273
    My name is PJ. P-Jay's Avatar
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    Wow, good catch.

    That actually does make a lot of sense.

    Now how do I want to change this...

  24. #4274
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin Sister Ray's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guttersquid View Post
    All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.
    This is a good start if you want to get someone to read more. I like how simply it sums up the conflict. I think the last sentence would read better as "But he got greedy and decided half a million dollars made the risk worth it." "The guy" is also clunky; even "he" as a replacement makes the transition smoother.
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  25. #4275
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin Sister Ray's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by P-Jay View Post
    Wow, good catch.

    That actually does make a lot of sense.

    Now how do I want to change this...
    Drips? Runs? Falls?
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