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Thread: TALK TO LADY JAY (naughty bits)

  1. #1
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    TALK TO LADY JAY (naughty bits)

    Many of you here know me, but many of you have only heard the rumors. First of all let me assure you, the tales you hear about me can’t be farther from the truth. For example “Jaycinth drinks blood.” Untrue. Untrue. Lies. Lies. There is a not a vampire on this Earth who can be made to testify to that statement.

    But…let me tell you a bit about myself. I was born on an island in southern Bulgaria. We moved to Kyrgystan soon after, and that was where my parents were eaten by rabid yaks. I was then sent to America where I spent the next two decades of my life working on my grand-parents badger-milk dairy in Death Valley.

    Badgers are soft, sweet-tempered, loving creatures, except when annoyed. Badgers are easily annoyed by attempts to milk them. Thus my life, while brutal and dusty, was always interesting.

    It was the summer of ’47, or maybe ’63, as I recall, when my grandfather burst through the door. His face was whiter than a sheep cornered in a Vermont barn. In his hand he held a piece of paper. Badger milk had been replaced by steroids. MLB, MLF and MLH had all cancelled their contracts. My grandparents were ruined.

    A year later I had freed the badgers, and consigned my grandparents to a home for the criminally insane. The proceeds from the sale of the farm was just enough to keep the ‘gramps’ in restraints and sedated the rest of their lives. The people who bought it, the nicest group of radiation scarred inbred mutants one could ever hope to meet, were very happy to move in immediately. They didn’t even insist that I tear down the badger breeding pens.

    I threw all my stuff into the back of my Gremlin, drove away, and never looked back.

    I worked my way through college suborning nuns for drug money and running automatic weapons for the local Amish Capo.

    Was it my fault his son was a jerk? Was it my fault he wound up circumcised and with breast implants?

    I thought it best to disappear for awhile. The nuns helped me get to Canada. I think they were happy to see me go.

    There are lumberjacks in Canada. A strange breed of rugged men who wear stretchy pants, stretchy shirts, and sing stretchy songs. They fed me tea. Lots of it. And when I was ready to leave, they gave me their tricycle, hugged me, and sent me on my way.

    Armed with a staple puller and lots of ideas, I returned to the good old U.S. of A., where I settled down to a career of pushing books over the phone. It was boring, and the pile of books on the floor on the other side of the phone kept growing. It did pay well, but the coffee stank like badger pee. Believe me, I KNOW badger pee.


    I was married for awhile. Quick lime works wonders. Use gloves.

    Now a days I am just your average working mom. True, my purview is Science Fiction/Horror/Fantasy (Well, some of you don’t know about my fantasies…) BUT I am not that unfamiliar with humor. The other day I sent my kid to school with a baggie of frozen creamed Brussels sprouts. When she questioned my sanity, I explained that not only were they nutritious, but they would also thaw slowly in her back pocket and be the perfect consistency by lunch. You should have seen her face. I laughed for an hour.

    Some of you may be questioning Mac’s sanity. Some of you may have decided that Mac is inflicting me on you for some imagined, past transgression.

    Nothing could be farther from the truth. The explanation could be very simple. During the recent ‘sweeps week’ it was noticed that the Royalty Thread had increased views by a few percentage points. I’m simply here to do the same thing for this thread.

    Or, maybe Mac just doesn’t like you.

    Too late to find out now, isn’t it?

    Ok, then. I’ve never been a co-mod before, so we are just going to have to work together on this. Between us all I think we can have a mighty happy forum here.

    No one will be injured for a ‘failure to be funny’. I’ve made certain promises that I will not pull people’s tongues out…at least at first.

    So, now that you folks know all about me, I will open myself up to questions.

    Make me laugh.

    I insist on it.

    Lady J.
    Last edited by Jaycinth; 02-08-2007 at 09:35 PM.
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  2. #2
    Claims the loan was a gift Meerkat's Avatar
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    Hi Jaycinth,

    Here's a hypothetical question: How can a small town, Old Country, badger milking gal make sure that success at a recent promotion doesn't go to her head? Would that be a good plot for a novel?

    quick, everyone buy these books:

    Jade Rabbit
    Zen Scorpions
    Boilerplate-Reich

  3. #3
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    With the recent success of 'Borat' I would suggest a situation comedy. FOX would love it.
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
    I'm editing the 'Sensible Man' I STILL love these unpaid gigs


  4. #4
    Claims the loan was a gift Meerkat's Avatar
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    Tic....toc....tic..... You know, I'm sure the phones will all light up for you, just as soon as everyone is done checking their past messages for offending content, negative rps from....well from somebody who is now a moderator...and such.

    quick, everyone buy these books:

    Jade Rabbit
    Zen Scorpions
    Boilerplate-Reich

  5. #5
    Forced into cell phone life TsukiRyoko's Avatar
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    Jay, I love you.

    RIP Anthony Shane Taylor.
    You will be loved and missed. I will never forget the tragic morning of Oct. 11, nor the many amazing times we spent together. You were one in a million and a great friend to many. Whatever's on the other side will treat you very well, and I know that someday I'll get the chance to see that shit eating grinning of yours again.

  6. #6
    Snow? Already? Shadow_Ferret's Avatar
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    Personally, I think the Pacer is a much funnier car than the Gremlin.
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    “I love words but I don’t like strange ones. You don’t understand them and they don’t understand you. Old words is like old friends, you know ‘em the minute you see ‘em.” -- Will Rogers

    "Blame it on my ADD, baby." -- AWOLNATION

  7. #7
    Banned davids's Avatar
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    Hi-is this the same Jay that called us up last week trying to buy a carton of blood mixed with Aquavit?

  8. #8
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TsukiRyoko View Post
    Jay, I love you.
    Stay where Ican keep my eye on your dear.
    Remember....a merangue pie in the face is funny, a merangue pie loaded with C-4..in the face..is a waste of good C-4
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
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  9. #9
    Forced into cell phone life TsukiRyoko's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaycinth View Post
    Stay where Ican keep my eye on your dear.
    I thought you were clairvoyant?
    Quote Originally Posted by Jaycinth
    Remember....a merangue pie in the face is funny, a merangue pie loaded with C-4..in the face..is a waste of good C-4
    Is it a waste if you adapt the C-4 to bubble gum? Because personally, I don't think there's a better use for it.

    RIP Anthony Shane Taylor.
    You will be loved and missed. I will never forget the tragic morning of Oct. 11, nor the many amazing times we spent together. You were one in a million and a great friend to many. Whatever's on the other side will treat you very well, and I know that someday I'll get the chance to see that shit eating grinning of yours again.

  10. #10
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow_Ferret View Post
    Personally, I think the Pacer is a much funnier car than the Gremlin.
    I disagree. I think a dozen clowns getting out of a Gremlin is funnier than a bunch of clowns getting out of a Pacer.

    Of course, a Pacer filled with water and tropical fish is always worth a laugh.

    Add four or five gallons of semi solid orange jello, poured across the floor,. and you'll have people chuckling in any case.

    Next?
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
    I'm editing the 'Sensible Man' I STILL love these unpaid gigs


  11. #11
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by davids View Post
    Hi-is this the same Jay that called us up last week trying to buy a carton of blood mixed with Aquavit?
    No, I was trying to get a carton of Aquavit mixed with blood. Hasn't the warehouse staff gotten that straight yet?
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
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  12. #12
    Banned davids's Avatar
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    We are recruiting new warehouse workers at this moment-your carton of Aquavit mix is on the way-our new line will be Bison Brand Buffalo Grass Polish Vodka mixed with Romanian Badger milk-we wanted to use Bulgarian Badger blood but since they were imported in 47 to America they have become extincty both in Bulgaria and in America. The story is that an elderly Bulgarian cornered the market and his grandaughter turned em all into fritters-what can you do? It also eventually killed the Bulgarian frozen frittered badger market.

  13. #13
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by davids View Post
    We are recruiting new warehouse workers at this moment-your carton of Aquavit mix is on the way-our new line will be Bison Brand Buffalo Grass Polish Vodka mixed with Romanian Badger milk-we wanted to use Bulgarian Badger blood but since they were imported in 47 to America they have become extincty both in Bulgaria and in America. The story is that an elderly Bulgarian cornered the market and his grandaughter turned em all into fritters-what can you do? It also eventually killed the Bulgarian frozen frittered badger market.
    Davids?
    Are you trying to tell me that they....

    .....Frittered the Badgers Away?
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
    I'm editing the 'Sensible Man' I STILL love these unpaid gigs


  14. #14
    Banned davids's Avatar
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    Yuk Yuk Yuk-friteered is more like it-right lady for the job I should say-LOL bigtime and have fun and drink a lot and keep at it-you'll get it right soon enough.

  15. #15
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TsukiRyoko View Post
    I thought you were clairvoyant?

    Is it a waste if you adapt the C-4 to bubble gum? Because personally, I don't think there's a better use for it.
    Now, that is a good idea. Just remember to swallow the gum. Write letters to people you don't like, telling them you are certain you will be murdered, and that they are the only people you will trust to make it right. Suggest that you've buried a very valuable ring on a chain around your neck, and that they can have it if they'll exhume you and expose the person who did you in.

    When they dig in...
    BOOM BOOM...out go the lights.

    For even more fun...stuff the gum in a corpse that's leaving for the grave yard. A little wire, a small battery, and that funeral will be exploding with fun.....

    WHAT? Well...I think it's funny.
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
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  16. #16
    Great chieftain o the puddin'-race SuperModerator Haggis's Avatar
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    *emerges from shadows*

    What's this? Jaycinth is co-mod? Jaycinth, the Dutchess of Doom, the Princess of Pain, the Queen of Carnage? O, pray, what did she do to poor Mac to force her into this irrational decision?

    I will stay here and silently observe. Only then, will I learn the truth.

    *returns to shadows*
    Quote Originally Posted by swachski View Post
    Thanks for all your hard work, Haggis! You are the best mod ever!

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    featuring the lovely and talented



  17. #17
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    *orders the new, shiny, fully equiped *BMFAKG9000 for new godde. . . uh, mod*

    *orders twelve cases of Captain Morgan*

    life just got a little bit more interesting





    *(explanations via PM only - whaddaya think, I'm nuts or somethin' ?)

  18. #18
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haggis View Post
    *emerges from shadows*

    What's this? Jaycinth is co-mod? Jaycinth, the Dutchess of Doom, the Princess of Pain, the Queen of Carnage? O, pray, what did she do to poor Mac to force her into this irrational decision?

    I will stay here and silently observe. Only then, will I learn the truth.

    *returns to shadows*
    ***drags haggis whining from the shadows and hugs him to her heaving bosom..(what? I'm laughing...give me a break)***
    Dutchess? No. Princess....maybe...(Does it mean I'm realted to Dclary?)
    Pain? Only if you P.O. me.
    ...
    But YOU, Haggis....my hairless cat-sized friend....
    You make me smile.

    You should stay right here. (hug) with me (hug).

    ***Puts Haggis down. Immediately two clown-mimes run up and pelt Haggis with cream pies. Then a Pacer (Pacer???!!) full of 'beautician-clowns' drives up, disgorges clowns, who then race to pick Haggis up...run him through a car wash...blow dry him, put a big pink bow aropund his neck, and returns him to the floor...where he is again picked up by Jaycinth, who hasn't noticed a single thing.***

    We'll have fun, Haggis. Just wait.
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
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  19. #19
    God of Squirrels David McAfee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow_Ferret View Post
    Personally, I think the Pacer is a much funnier car than the Gremlin.

    Pinto. Or Yugo.
    If I had a signature, you'd be reading it right now.

  20. #20
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MidnightMuse View Post
    *orders the new, shiny, fully equiped *BMFAKG9000 for new godde. . . uh, mod*

    *orders twelve cases of Captain Morgan*

    life just got a little bit more interesting





    *(explanations via PM only - whaddaya think, I'm nuts or somethin' ?)
    My. That is a real nice BMFAKG9000. Real nice.

    (Shhhh....I'm trying to make the natives think I'm nice....shhhhh)

    Do you think you could possibly put it away and get BMFPie-Thrower-9300 with and automated pie loader.

    And, I'm real sorry about this, but can you convert those flame throwers into whipped cream throwers.

    ***looks at comedy list***
    Uh... I'm also going to be needing 40 cases of seltzer water, a dozen enema bags, a rubber chicken, and some size 94 ladies panties. (To throw at Rob)
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
    I'm editing the 'Sensible Man' I STILL love these unpaid gigs


  21. #21
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    Yugo where? Are you trying to tell our new Mod where to go ???

  22. #22
    God of Squirrels David McAfee's Avatar
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    No, Yugo. As in. "Yu Go buy One. I'll Walk." prolly get there faster, too.
    If I had a signature, you'd be reading it right now.

  23. #23
    God of Squirrels David McAfee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaycinth View Post

    ***looks at comedy list***
    Uh... I'm also going to be needing 40 cases of seltzer water, a dozen enema bags, a rubber chicken, and some size 94 ladies panties. (To throw at Rob)
    Um....can I get in on this?
    If I had a signature, you'd be reading it right now.

  24. #24
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    Oooh, it works!

  25. #25
    Your Cuddly Sociopathic AW Moderator Jaycinth's Avatar
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    I hope Dclary likes pie.
    ....or was that RT?
    I'm designing 'Full Time' for Aquarius Custom Jewelry. Come see the sparkling fun. My work is featured on Page 1!
    I'm editing the 'Sensible Man' I STILL love these unpaid gigs


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