BS your way through

Silver King said:

Sorry, Jeanne. I should've checked before I started doing whatever it is I do.

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LOL! No worries, Your Highness, royalty are allowed to make mistakes and call them royal decrees.

Oh, and I wouldn't follow those fishing instructions. Not if I wanted to survive the encounter, that is! Don't you know that the average fishing lure is what both great white sharks AND loch ness monsters LIVE to eat? Stay away from the water, Sire!

But, still...what IS it all about, Alfie? (May I call you Alfie?)

No, you may not call me 'Alfie', no matter what it's about... pursuant to which I offer the following: it's about 8:33, CDT.

How high is up?

Up is .003 centimeters anywhere above where you are at the time. The measurement was determined scientifically - anything less than .003 centimeters is mathematically "beside" rather than officially "up above."

I need a plot. How do I decide what should happen in my novel?

ltd.

limitedtimeauthor said:

I need a plot. How do I decide what should happen in my novel?

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To develop a plot, you need plotters. Good sources might be an underground resistance in an occupied country, government agents with knowledge of UFOs, or fast-food mavens intent on replacing food with chemicals one ingredient at a time.

Why does all the honey settle at the bottom of my tea, despite any amount of stirring?

It's actually the stirring that causes the honey to settle at the bottom. You see, within the bee colony, there are certain bees, called antigravitators, and when they make honey, they emit what's called an antigravitity, into the honey. When you add the honey to your tea, the stirring has the effect of stimulating the antigravitity globules in the honey, and this instantly makes it sink to the bottom of your cup.



Why is a dark room always darkest when you first turn out the light, and then it seems to get progressively lighter?

Boy, if we keep revealing all of Homeland Security's secrets, they may start watching this board more closely! It's a feedback system. The lights don't ever really shut all the way off so that the guys monitoring the microprocessor implants get a signal from the lightswitch receivers. You're not supposed to notice the increasing light, though. You're supposed to be too busy with all the things they fill your mind with--work, school, editors, word counts--to notice a detail like that.

Why does chewing gum become tougher to chew the longer you chew it? Everything else breaks down eventually.

Chewing gum gets tougher to chew because your jaws get tired after a while. Also, you get bored with the taste and start to think that you've been chewing it for hours.

Unless you're a cow. They can chew things for one hell of a long time and feel quite happy about it. Of course, cows aren't the party animals that wolves are.

Wolves don't spend a lot of time chewing on things, unless it's a fairly tasty deer leg.

And the motto is: Don't chew gum. It makes you look like a cow and what kind of a party animal would be interested in you, my deer?

My question is: Why do cats always sit on the newpaper, no matter what the headline is?

Because they're always licking their butts and always needing buttwipes. Only cats know what real news is for.

Why do train whistles get louder when approaching, softer when receding?

I'm glad you asked! Almost every male in my father's generation and on my father's side of the family was a railroad man, so I know the answer to this question. My dad's oldest brother was, in fact, an engineer - he was the one who got to blow that whistle.

Basically, all engineers are tested for their sense of humor. You have to have a good sense of humor - as well as excellent reflexes, a sensitive touch and above-average eye sight. You have to spot people on the side of the tracks from far enough away that you can start to blow that whistle softly, then slightly louder... louder... louder still as you pass right next to them... then more softly... softer... softest of all as your train disappears down the tracks. It's a blast - if you're an engineer. Otherwise, I guess you just had to be there.

To be? Or not to be? That is the question.

To Be?

That would be a yes. All things must be, even things that do not exist. Therefore the answer to this question is yes.

Or not to be?

The answer to this question is also yes, because in a universe where existence is based on perception, and perception is based on assumtion, then to Not Be is the standard upon which all things rest until they are called into existence by someone who percieves such. Therefore the answer to this question is also yes.

That is the question.

That is not a question, but the answer is also yes. I dunno why, but it is.



Why does gravity pull people down instead of levitating them up?

Well, you see, it's like this... and it all hearkens back to what used to be known as 'The Divine Spark'. All life must have an electrical charge to both initiate and sustain it or it's not life. Therefore, all things with electrical sparks - whether they be batteries, staticky hair and/or nylon slips, atoms, generators, what-have-you - are alive.

The kicker in your question is 'as we know it'. Leaves a loophole the size of the Great Barrier Reef for us to drive through.

Much more central to the debate, however: what is the height of stupidity?

Ol' Fashioned Girl said:

what is the height of stupidity?

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I've been informed by reliable sources comprising of a good portion of the scientific community that estimates the height of stupidity extends precisely to the top of my head.

Where have all the flowers gone?

I need some clarification, MM, before I can answer. Which one?

Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were going to make it difficult or something. You're wanting to know why a plain ol' vanilla paperclip is shaped the way it is? Well, to tell you the truth, it's all part of the CCSP (Corporate Coding System Protocol). You must never haved worked as an executive secretary. Documents are prioritized according to the shape - and size, as well as color - of their clips. In the illustration, C is a fairly common, run-of-the-mill, non-threatening missive that usually informs the recipient of every-day info. IE: there's a Pot Luck on Friday at Noon in the Conference Room on the 3rd Floor; Paula will be on vacation next week. Ginger will be filling in; Carl's Retirement Party is scheduled for Saturday evening, 8PM, at Hooter's. That sort of thing.

Paperclip T, on the other hand, is reserved for documents of the utmost importance. An example of this kind of communication would be: You're Fired. The clip would attach your final check to the document.

And if you, as an executive secretary, were to have to distribute a document secured with the clip at the X position, it's time to order supplies. If you received one, it's time to lobby for the termination of the sender.

The circular one, looks like it may be designated with a '1', is reserved for the executives themselves. Some of them like to think they make them special or give them special powers.

The burning issue is, however, where do we go from here?

Ah, easy one! "Where do we go from here?" is dialogue used near the end of lengthy, high-brow works of fiction when the writer has no idea how he/she should end it and decides to leave everyone hanging. So, the answer: we go to our own imaginations, or to get a tuna on rye, or throw in a load of laundry, etc.

What's the price of tea in China?

The cost of tea in China is a Yin & Yang. Whisper your request in the person’s ear and you will receive a nod as a response. When they turn away, yell Yin and hide under the counter until your order is ready, they will shout Yang.

What causes your knuckles to crack?

Agent Orange causes all knuckle cracking. The government's been slipping it into the drinking water for the past 5 decades. Soon, every joint we have will crack; we'll sound like little symphonies as we move, albeit sort of gross ones. But this "music" will attract the helpful aliens who will show us "the way", and possibly give us a death ray to use on other lands we don't like, so the government is quite looking forward to when everyone cracks all the time. Which is scheduled for next Tuesday, barring rain.

Would a rose, by any other name, truly smell as sweet?

Of course not! A rose by any other name might be 'crap' or 'poop' or 'smegma' (and if you look that up, you're gonna wish you hadn't). It might be 'snot' or 'limburger' or 'flatus'. No... 'rose' shouldn't be named any other name. As it is, the worst that can happen to it is getting confused with a light pink wine.

But just who was 'Mona Lisa', any way?

Mona Lisa was my great aunt's second cousin (by marriage). She had a habit of cleaning her teeth with the thread she then sewed with. I have an heirloom quilt right here on my lap that she made!

But what I want to know is did they ever discover where waldo really was?

Waldo was both everywhere and nowhere. Turns out that Waldo was the government code for "air". Something to do with pollution and counter-terrorism stuff. The funding to "find Waldo" was cut off in 2005, which is why you don't see him/it around any more. But there is still air. For now.

Is a penny earned truly a penny saved?

The QWERY Keyboard was created by Dr. Samuel QWERY in 1922. It came into widespread use in 1934, but the advent of WWII caused it to fall out of favor because both the Axis and the Allies had QWERY keyboards and so couldn't hide messages from each other very well. It came back into favor in 1962, but again was tossed aside, because Timothy Leary said that QWERY wasn't cool and wouldn't drop acid.

Interesting side note -- Dr. QWERY's name appears in all caps because his ancestors were so excitable that the magistrate chose to spell their names this way to warn others that they were in the presence of hyperly-active individuals.

What is the Crocodile Rock, exactly, and how do you "do" it?