BS your way through

It wants to make its own decisions.

Why is Greenland melting?

Because it has a crush on Canada, but can't admit it.

What's the best way to get out of a promise?

Because once you've used a Furminator you can never go back.

Where do the excellent thoughts I have upon waking go?

I harness them daily for my intergalactic plan of mental domination.

Why do those spoons keep splashing water over my shirt?

Because we're sinking swiftly and I'm too upmarket to bother scooping water out of a doomed vessel with my immaculately preserved hands.

What crime must a calculator commit to be considered a threat to the bankers?

While calculators are notorious for their criminal behaviour, they aren't terribly clever. Schemes involving jaywalking across a rural road or planting rubber snakes in the reptile enclosure at the zoo are typical of those planned and executed by calculators. As such, they pose no threat to anyone.

Why are siblings not more alike?

Because of sibling arivalry.

Why don't woodchucks chuck wood?

Woodchucks can't chuck wood because of their small arm size. Woodchucks are horrible about working out and just can't lift enough wood weight to chuck. When was the last time you saw a woodchuck at the gym? And with their wooden dentures, they can't really chew very well either.

Why can't cats kayak?

Because they all despise the idea of getting wet, and kayaks sit too close to the water for them

Why can't any of my cats actually catch mice?

Oh that's easy.....see....you have Norwegian water mice....AND....we know cats are leery of it; water that is. You should probably set up a de-humidifier so the mice dry out and the cats well be more enticed to go after them.

I have 6 cats.....why is it that only 1 of them actually goes after the cockroaches?

S/he's the only one who isn't going after the dehydrated mice.

What's the difference between a darklight and a nightlight?

Darklights are nightlights' emo cousin. The family doesn't talk about him much.

Why are people in horror movies so stupid?

If the characters in horror movies were given a reasonable amount of intelligence, they wouldn't be frightened—(of the dark, the wind, the creaks, or the invisible CGI monster.) Instead, such characters would act in a manner so thoroughly rational, the length of the movie would not exceed ten minutes.

What causes continental drift?

When one land mass is incontinent, the others tend to scoot away from it.

What do you reply to someone who asks: Should anal-retentive be hyphenated?

You don't reply at all. The only reason to get involved in such a discussion would be if you were anal retentive (NO HYPHEN! oops *blushes*).

How many beans make five?

3....it take's three beans to make 5. Why, because oversized beans are a bit larger than smaller beans so they get an extra size allowance. Hench 3 large beans make up 5 small beans. I saw it in Penthouse Forums so I know it's true.

Why do rabbits cluck like chickens around Easter time?

Because they're getting into the Easter Spirit.

Why is school so boring?

Just between me and you, school is boring since they don't allow real life learning anymore. Huh! You can't even bring chainsaws, or motorcycles into the classrooms anymore. Much less lions or vultures....not like back in the good ol'days when you could wrassle wild hogs, or learn to dodge oncoming cars . That's why school is boring.

How come we don't have aliens running around in the open?

We have millions of aliens running around in the open. The reason you don't see them is that they wear cloaks of invisibility, preparing for the time when they take over the world (which will be soon).

Where have all the milliners gone?

The aliens whisked them away and now Stetsons and Bowlers are all the rage in Alpha Centauri.


How do you chop an onion without bursting into tears?

You keep your fingers farther away from the knife.

How do I get rid of rats from my yard?

You call the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

Why is my budgie squawking?!?

Because you went over budget.

Why come we have feet and not wheels?

We're base model creatures. All of our options cost extra. Animals have fur while we must buy clothing. Animals have sharp teeth and claws while we must buy knives. And so on. That's why God gave us money.

What's the difference between softwood and hardwood?

Oh to keep this non-blue......


Softwood is sadly, the sorry state of wood....kinda like those woodchucks from earlier...lazy bastards. It doesn't work out. Hardwood goes to the gym on a regular basis and works out.....it pumps iron and becomes hard. I read it Reader's Digest.

Why are some cats not afraid of dogs? .....apparently my cat has been harrassing neighbor dogs.