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Thread: BS your way through

  1. #1
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    BS your way through

    How about a new game . . . We've all done it. Yes, even you. Someone asks a question, and -- after a pause in which no one response -- you offered up an answer you know is complete Equine Droppings.

    So here's how it works - a question is asked, and the poster below must offer up an explanation (using the aforementioned equine droppings method) Then that poster asks another question and the next one has to reply in said manner.

    Feeling up to it? I'll start the ball rolling:

    Q: Why do potatos have eyes?

    (ETA - Aww crap, I typo'd the title. I need a cookie)
    Last edited by MidnightMuse; 02-02-2007 at 01:10 AM.

  2. #2
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    A: It's a function of Homeland Security. New government regulations allow for domestic spying without a warrant - but what you don't know is that the NSA started doing this generations ago, very quiely, by genetically altering the simple Russet potato. Now, as that bag of potential tots sits in your kitchen, photos are taken at a ratio of 10/minute and transmitted back to Homeland Security. Since we all know, most terrorist planning is done in the kitchen of the average home. I've heard they're working on carrots that transmit voice recordings next.





    Q: How do they get that cream inside a Twinky?

  3. #3
    Re-NaNoing AnnieColleen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MidnightMuse View Post
    I've heard they're working on carrots that transmit voice recordings next.
    No, no, it's the corn that transmits voice recordings. They also monitor purchasers of canned and frozen corn, since those suspicious characters are obviously aware of the top-secret "ears" technology and actively avoiding letting it into their homes.

    Quote Originally Posted by MidnightMuse View Post
    Q: How do they get that cream inside a Twinky?
    A: They don't. Twinkies begin life as elegant little dough concoctions, solid all the way through. They are then allowed to age in a non-sterile environment until the dough rots into white goop and a healthy coating of mold sprouts up on the outer shell. When the mold is thick enough, they're flash-frozen to halt further decomposition (which causes some additional, non-harmful discoloration). They're then thawed, dried, and packaged up as snack food.


    Q: How is it possible to have a sunny cold day (or, why don't sunshine and warm weather always go together)?
    Under the patronage of Murphy the Muse

    When writing a novel that's pretty much entirely what life turns into: "House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day."
    ~Neil Gaiman

  4. #4
    Fear the Death Ray maestrowork's Avatar
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    A. Basic physics. Heat rises. Cold air drops. When the sun comes out, it draws all the heat from the Earth up into the sky and that forces the cold air from the other parts to rush into the sunny region.

    Q. Why are Barbies and Ken not anatomically correct?

    I didn't want to work. It was as simple as that. I distrusted work, disliked it. I thought it was a very bad thing that the human race had unfortunately invented for itself.
    -- Agatha Christie





    The Pacific Between • A Bunch of Stories
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by maestrowork View Post
    Q. Why are Barbies and Ken not anatomically correct?
    A: After forming Barbie's humungous mammaries, there was not enough plastic left over for Ken's dinkle. A plea was put out for other countries to supply materials to form Ken's dinkle but each land on this planet declared they had used up all available plastics on their collaborative design for a lady's toy based on Maestrowork, called the Rampant Raybit.

    Sorry.

    Q: What is the meaning of life?

  6. #6
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scarletpeaches View Post
    Q: What is the meaning of life?
    A: Massive plastic dinkles.

    Q: Why is chocolate fattening?

  7. #7
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    A: Because the chocolatosaurus, from which kitkats are made, is inhabited during its lifetime, parasite-style, by lots of little fatbugs, virus-like creatures composed entirely of fat. When coming into contact with stomach acids, they expand, settling in the good land of your ass and hips.

    Q: Why do I crave cornflakes every evening as a snack?

  8. #8
    Slave to the Wordcount WildScribe's Avatar
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    That would be the addictive agents added by terrorists. To avoid this effect, eat nothing nutritious ever again.

    Why are sunflower seeds so good?
    Words for 2013 so far: 129,295
    Sales for 2013 so far: 25
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Word total for 2012: 292,394
    Sales total for 2012: 35


    Check me out at KathleenTudor.com!

    "The first problem of any kind of even limited success
    is the unshakeable conviction that you are getting away with something
    and that any moment now 'they' will discover you." - Neil Gaiman

  9. #9
    practical experience, FTW wordsmyth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WildScribe View Post
    Why are sunflower seeds so good?
    Sunflower seeds are so good, because they are nature's antidepressants. You eat them, and all the sun's energy explodes inside your body.

    "Sunshiny day..."

    Why do some people's eyes look green sometimes, and then at other times, they look blue?
    Lynn
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  10. #10
    Claims the loan was a gift Meerkat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wordsmyth View Post
    Why do some people's eyes look green sometimes, and then at other times, they look blue?
    You've stumbled into yet another area of sensitivity governed by Homeland Security. If the "person" (replicant drone) to whom you are talking is being remotely controlled/piloted/scripted by one of the Army folks in the Pentagon, the eyes show green at that moment. If Navy or Air Force folks are "at the helm" as they say, laughing about how your eyes look brown or amber on their monitor, they show blue, until an Army pilot takes over again.

    There are no "blue" or "green" eyes, in nature. If you see THAT in a mirror, feel for an access panel in the base of your bladerunner-evading skull and try to make a run for it!

    Now then, why do we always wake up right before the alarm clock goes off?
    Last edited by Meerkat; 02-02-2007 at 03:56 AM.

    quick, everyone buy these books:

    Jade Rabbit
    Zen Scorpions
    Boilerplate-Reich

  11. #11
    Megalops Erectus Silver King's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gclare View Post
    Now then, why do we always wake up right before the alarm clock goes off?
    Your inner clock is calibrated to chime anywhere form one second to ten minutes before the alarm clock sounds, which is why external noise is meaningless in waking you; unless you forget to set the alarm clock, in which case you will oversleep.

    Why do I end up in the slowest driving lane when I'm in a hurry?

  12. #12
    The mean one AW Moderator Cath's Avatar
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    Ah, I'm glad you asked. There's a little known piece of research by a very famous psychiatrist (I'm afraid his name escapes me) that shows that nearly 89% of people have receptors that allow them to sense the tiny electrical signal that tells your alarm clock that it's going to go off in 5 minutes. This receptor wakes you up so you don't die of shock when woken by the alarm. damnit, Silver King's too fast.


    And we're back to homeland security. There's a tracker on every car sold these days that senses when you're trying to go fast. Homeland security sends in cars to drive in front of you and slow you down. It's a public health measure to reduce the number of accidents on the roads.

    Why aren't there any naturally occurring blue foods?
    Last edited by Cath; 02-02-2007 at 04:38 AM.
    Cath
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    from 'Good Omens' by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

    "Many and various, strange and multitudinous are the friends that befriend me in this world, yet I never found one false or that did not surpass me in some virtue."
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  13. #13
    This is a common myth. There are in fact a number of foods which are naturally blue; however, during the farming process so many pesticides and chemicals are added to them that the blue color vanishes. A prime example of this is the rutabaga. In its natural habitat, it's a lovely shade of indigo. By the time it is treated for aphids and sprayed with preservative wax, it's about the same color as earwax. Same goes for kiwi fruit. Not really green at all.

    Question: How come when you make chocolate milk with the powdery stuff, you get that layer of brown chum floating on top of the glass?

  14. #14
    Hand? What hand? AW Moderator Ol' Fashioned Girl's Avatar
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    Actually, that layer of brown chum is cowviar. When dried and mixed with chocolate powder and then exposed to milk, it returns to its natural state: cow eggs.

    Why don't chicken have teeth?
    aka: OFG








  15. #15
    Megalops Erectus Silver King's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Fashioned Girl View Post
    Why don't chicken have teeth?
    All birds used to have teeth, including chicken, but through evolution (lack of use), the enamel was absorbed through their bodies and turned into feathers.

    Besides the obvious use of alerting them to cold climates, why do men have nipples?

  16. #16
    Shopaholic Raiyah's Avatar
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    It was God's way of making us all equals.


    Ques: Why are women horrible drivers?

  17. #17
    Claims the loan was a gift Meerkat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raiyah View Post

    Ques: Why are women horrible drivers?
    It all began with men being the more horrible drivers. So men began installing mirrors in cars, as predictable, undeniable distractors for the fairer gender. Now men are the better drivers by comparison.

    Why can't we get the worst song we heard all day out of our head?

    quick, everyone buy these books:

    Jade Rabbit
    Zen Scorpions
    Boilerplate-Reich

  18. #18
    Hand? What hand? AW Moderator Ol' Fashioned Girl's Avatar
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    Oh, I can't believe no one's answered gclare's question! It's so easy!

    The reason the worst song we've heard all day gets stuck in our heads is that we have these tiny little things called post-synaptic dendrites. They're the bridges between our synapses - and synapses are the connectors between brain cells. Each of these brain cells contains - among other things -half the complete and total melody and lyrics to all the songs - not just the worst songs - that have ever been written or will ever be written. When one of the two halves picks up a melody, it fires off a message via its nearest dendrite. Most of the time, that dendrite connects to the proper 'other half' and the result is we hear the song and it goes away. At least once a day, however, there's a misfire - the post-synaptic dendrite connects to the wrong song and gets stuck.

    Voilà!

    But what I really want to know is: Who built Stonehenge?
    aka: OFG








  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Fashioned Girl View Post

    But what I really want to know is: Who built Stonehenge?
    Nobody built Stonehenge. It's a naturally occuring geologic formation formed during the Mesozoic period by intense volcanic and lithostatic pressure. Its unique shape is nothing more than the end result of xenomorphic crystals warped by the intense heat of the Earth's crust, probably somewhere below the Mohorovicic Discountinuity.

    And, as long as we're on the subject... of all the animals in the world, why did they clone a sheep first?

  20. #20
    Although the scientific community is reluctant to admit this, it was actually because a geneticist took a joke far too seriously. One of the research assistants made a comment about finding a new source for ewe-ranium, and the geneticist, being a bit addled from all those years inhaling the vapors of petri dishes, took it to heart. While he never did discovered the ewe-ranium mother load, he did in fact set a new precedent for increasing the population of funny-looking animals.

    Which reminds me: how come when you go to a zoo and you see a boy animal and a girl animal in the same habitat, they never really appear to be that into each other?

  21. #21
    Midnight Reading MidnightMuse's Avatar
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    The thing is, by the time these pairs of animals get put out there on display in the zoo, they've been together for a few months - during this quarrantine period, they get to know each other and learn each other's habits and personalities. Thusly, by the time they're out and on display, HE has already left the toilet set up 1,392 times while SHE has asked him 3,487,297 times if her ass looks big in these stripes. By now, well, they're just not that into each other.


    What I'd like to know is - why does the moon look so big in the sky sometimes?

  22. #22
    Re-NaNoing AnnieColleen's Avatar
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    The moon hides a base for an extraterrestrial task force experimenting with gravitational manipulations. By manipulating the size of the moon and observing the effects, they hope to develop gravity-control techniques -- for what purpose we don't know. But they pay their rent in nifty gadgets, so no one in the astronomy field on earth asks too many questions.

    Why don't lids that come with cups actually fit the cups they're supposed to be designed for? (thus causing, ah, drinking problems for the consumer)
    Under the patronage of Murphy the Muse

    When writing a novel that's pretty much entirely what life turns into: "House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day."
    ~Neil Gaiman

  23. #23
    Fear the Death Ray maestrowork's Avatar
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    A. The apparel companies have secret agreements with the beverage companies. That's why you usually see clothing stores surrounding Starbucks. Coincidence? Not.


    Q. Why do cats meow and dogs bark? Why not the other way?

    I didn't want to work. It was as simple as that. I distrusted work, disliked it. I thought it was a very bad thing that the human race had unfortunately invented for itself.
    -- Agatha Christie





    The Pacific Between • A Bunch of Stories
    (2006 IPPY Award)

    WIP: Beyond the Banyan Tree - draft 9, 125,000 words

    Home Page | Blog | Reviews

  24. #24
    Hand? What hand? AW Moderator Ol' Fashioned Girl's Avatar
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    Ray, you never studied.

    Cats meow and dogs bark because the little digital boxes in their stuffing are programmed to do so by legions of fairies in a hidden workshop in the North Pole. It was, actually, set up the other way originally, but you know how bass ackward fairies can be.

    But, tell me, why - oh, why - did they have to call them 'peas'?
    aka: OFG








  25. #25
    Re-NaNoing AnnieColleen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Fashioned Girl View Post
    But, tell me, why - oh, why - did they have to call them 'peas'?
    Because calling them Rs would be worse.

    What's the difference between homework and housework?
    Under the patronage of Murphy the Muse

    When writing a novel that's pretty much entirely what life turns into: "House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day."
    ~Neil Gaiman

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