BS your way through

Once upon a time there was a dude who wandered into a strip club (not for the first time) and got so excited by the action that he jumped up and began to dance. It was something the girls hadn't seen before, but they liked it and asked him to teach it to them. When they asked, "What's it called?" he said, "It's named after me."

How do so many "miracle" products find their way onto the market?

Miracles happen every day. Sooner or later someone was going to find a way to mass produce, package and market them.



If an aligator and an owl mated and produced offspring what color would you paint you shoes?

Clear.....I'd put a clear coat. Go with the natural look. Nothing better than feathers and scales (like Nymtoc's wig....shhhhh)

If cats could gamble, what would be their favorite game?

Proably whack a mole.


Did you check ebay?

No....not ebay. I went straight to CatBay. Sadly, all roulette wheels were sold out. And the only poker stuff they had, had pictures of dogs on them.

How come your not wearing a bridle?

Who needs a bridle? There's only one woman who gets to ride me and she's more than skilled enough to wing it.


If an organic farm is surrounded by non organic farms does it still count as organic when all the pesticides leach into the same groundwater?

Now that is a good question. I recommend petro bombs to clear out the neighboring lands. Just saying.... (don't worry, the FBI and Secret Service already have me on file).

Which is better......a McDonalds burger.....Burger King burger.....Wendys Burger....or Other? Hmmmmm

Smash Burger


does the witching hour change with daylight savings time?

It's an hour, so it starts at midnight during daylight saving time and ends at midnight during standard time. (Or does it start at midnight during standard time and disappear altogether during daylight saving time?)

What the heck's a Nymtoc?

One of those mucked up imaginary animals that give cryptozoologists a bad name. It's not a real creature, like Bigfoot or the Jersey Devil or something like that.


What's the easiest was to get osx onto a windows computer?

Gorilla Glue.

Why are butterflies called butterflies?

They were supposed to be called flutterbys (makes sense, doesn't it?) but a typesetter (in the pre-digital days) got the type mixed up.

Why does "boo-hoo" indicate crying? Did anyone ever make a sound like that?

Yes, a ghost. He was trying to spook someone, but ended up spooking the wrong person. So he came into the room saying "boooo..." and then, when he noticed it was the wrong person, he tried to ask who it was. However, since ghosts have trouble communicating with people, all the person heard was a really mournful "boo-whoo...." and assumed that the ghost was sad and crying because it was dead.

It wasn't. It was actually quite happy being dead, because he was a troll in life and just enjoys spooking people.

Why is it so hard for women to buy shirts that are aren't see-through, aren't so low-cut they don't show the cleavage, and don't show the butt when reaching for something on the ground?

Because they're designed by men.

Why doesn't my cat ever walk over the buttons on the remote control that put things back to the way they were before he walked over it the first time?

Because your cat (sorry about that) isn't very smart.

Why do mockingbirds mock?

They only mock you and that's because it's so much fun.


Am I the only one who doesn't trust carnival rides? Like the one at the Ohio State Fair that just busted up mid ride.

Yes, you are the only one. The rest of us have no worries, because we carry good-luck charms that protect us from all dangers. Personally, I carry a rabbit's foot in my left pants pocket. (I used to carry it in my right pants pocket, but I fell and broke my arm.)

How many ghosts does a town need to become a ghost town?

One! - but it has to be a very BIG ghost, because nobody takes midget ghosts seriously.

Why do people leave their hearts in San Francisco?

Because it's bad form to leave a kidney or a spleen, and to leave your apendix is just plain rude.



On an average night, how many people are abducted by UFOs.

Statistics are available only through 2016. According to those statistics, 7.318 people were abducted by UFOs every night from January through June, and 9.432 people were abducted every night from July through December. This slight increase has been attributed to various causes, including the election of Donald Trump, but scientists advise caution in trying to reach a definitive conclusion.

People say the distance between one geographical point and another is "______, as the crow flies." But that implies that the crow flies in a straight line, doesn't it? What crow ever did that?

Just to inconvenience you, one or two crows do fly in a straight line. Others fly in a zig zag fashon; going from landmark to landmark and occasionally looking back to see if you're following.


If you were siri and someone asked you to find a diner, would you find one, or would you suggest someone get off their lazy ass and look it up for himself?

Yes.

If caterpillars turn into moths and butterflies, and grubs turn into June bugs, what do worms and snakes turn into?

Senators, representatives, and other congressmen type creatures.



Why is it always the tv programs I like that get canceled?

The various audience measurement systems used by broadcasters are all designed to give special weight to Pony's viewing and listening habits. The formulas are too complex to be discussed here, but what they come down to is: If Pony likes it, kill it.

If I open a fast-food chain, what kind of food should be my specialty?

New York Meringue Topped Old Cheddar.

How can I turn my litter box into a decor feature?