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Thread: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a TURKEY!

  1. #1
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a TURKEY!

    Our wonderful turkey hatched this morning, 6 am GMT.
    Its name is Crack of Death, by Sharla Tann.

    PublishAmerica has decided to give this book "the chance it deserves". We have the hard copy contract; however, we (Tsu Dho Nimh, Old Hack and myself) have decided to publish it ourselves instead.

    You can view it at

    http://www.lulu.com/content/700451

    It's available for £10.73 plus postage as a paperback, or as an E-book.

    All proceeds go to AbsoluteWrite, to help with their great work in supporting authors and busting scam operations such as PunishAmerica.

    This is the work of 21 authors, most of them AWers you know and love; it was great fun writing, reading and putting it together, and I am delighted with the result. I think you'll agree that it's the second worst book in the world, after Atlanta Nights. (And Uncle Jim has kindly contributed one chapter.)

    Originally, Crack of Death was conceived as a sting manuscript to bring down PA's evil spawn daughter company evil spawn PublishBritannica, and originally we wanted it to be an All-British work. We had the BBC Watchdog and Trading Standards interested, and quite possibly it would have gone on TV. However, the British writers I originally recruited backed out one by one, leaving only six of us behind.
    That's when I turned to AW members for help. The result is a Published Book that tells a truly edge-of-your-seat story, a story so bad it's good.

    But then, just as we wanted to submit it to PublishBritannica, the Enclyclopaedia Britannica sued, and PA/PB ran back to the US with their tail between their legs.

    So we were left stranded: a tale without a dog.

    I let it sit on my computer for many months. I had other things to do: a book to write. for instance. But then I finished said book, found an agent, and in the few weeks I had between books I decided to take this wonderful story to the next level and submit it to PublishAmerica.

    This exciting erotic thriller fiction novel is the story of the beautiful hairdresser Nancy whose life spirals out of control when she meets the exotic Roberto. Little does Audrey know that Roberto is in fact a dangerous Colombian Mafia Drug Lord. Can she escape the clutches of Cucaracha, Espadrillo and their Boss, the wicked La Madre? From the seething underbelly of Colombian drugs to the evil web of intrigue in London, Nancy is swept up in an adventure that will change her life forever, right up to the cliffhanger ending where the kindly Scotland Yard detective Garry Lamont vies with intrepid FBI agent Duane Malaysia for her favours. But is it too late?
    Last edited by aruna; 03-04-2007 at 08:19 PM.
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  2. #2
    Around and About SuperModerator Birol's Avatar
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    Why am I foreseeing a day when people proudly announce they own the complete collection of PA sting books?

  3. #3
    California Dreaming Patricia's Avatar
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    Ordered my print copy from Lulu a few minutes ago, aruna. Glad to be a part of supporting AW and putting another black mark against PA. I will proudly display my copy of The Crack of Death along side Atlanta Nights.

    Come on everyone--be among the first to order the second most terrible book to be accepted by PA, and help support the great service offered to all writers by AW and the many professional authors who frequent the AW boards.
    "But ultimately eloquence runs on a deeper current. It moves us with what it leaves unsaid, touching off echoes in what we already know from our reading, our religion and our heritage. Eloquence invites us to bring some part of ourselves to the transaction." - William Zinsser, On Writing Well

  4. #4
    Such a nasty woman SuperModerator Old Hack's Avatar
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    Having been involved in the project right from the start I can proudly say I've never written such rubbish in my life. Nor read it, for that matter--Atlanta Nights excepted. Thank you, Aruna, for putting so much effort into this project. You've been marvellous. I can only hope that everyone else enjoys it as much as I have.

    Buy the book!

  5. #5
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old Hack
    Having been involved in the project right from the start I can proudly say I've never written such rubbish in my life. Nor read it, for that matter--Atlanta Nights excepted. Thank you, Aruna, for putting so much effort into this project. You've been marvellous. I can only hope that everyone else enjoys it as much as I have.

    Buy the book!
    In fact, it was your idea for the beginning... and you came up with the most exciting (and ridiculous!) plot twists and characters,,,
    Isn't it gerat to be a Published Author!
    OUT NOW!
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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  6. #6
    the Bruin of Tomorrow™ Atomic Bear's Avatar
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    ...Nancy is swept up in an adventure that will change her life forever, right up to the cliffhanger ending where the kindly Scotland Yard detective Garry Lamont vies with intrepid FBI agent Duane Malaysia for her favours. But is it too late?


    Way too funny. PA sure knows how to pick the best books.

    Congrats.
    Brian Kolm
    Atomic Bear Press - Comics for the "big kid" in all of us.

    Home of "Beyond the Great Chimney" a fantasy comic book adventure about taking life by the horns. Featuring painted art by Brian Kolm.

    ATOMICBEARPRESS.com

  7. #7
    Member - the "Sting Gang."
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    Buy. The. Book. It may be the only time you see me in print! Seriously, I think it takes real talent to write such @#%^&*. And I’m sure my co-authors all agree with me Thanks aruna for inviting me to participate.

  8. #8
    Super Browser triceretops's Avatar
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    Yeah, I was a proud crap contributor from the very beginning. I'm so glad this project made it to acceptance and publication. PA claims to reject 80% of everthing that comes across their desks. If this MADE it, it begs the question: Just what are they REJECTING? What's worse is that the editor admitted that it had some spelling errors, which indicates that he/she read part of the story. Emphasis...PART.

    Another one that slipped through the cracks and put a pimple on PA's butt. Is this the fourth sting manuscript? I'm beginning to lose count now. Guiness World Records needs to check this publisher out. In fact, I might submit this feat to their board and see if this topic has ever been covered.

    Excerpt:
    He slammed on the brakes suddenly and the cruiser skied on the pavement making crayon-like marks on the asphault. He starred at her viciously, and there could be seen on his forehead a vein that bucked and throbbed to the rythum of his heartbeat. He was totally pissed off and he let her know it with his next words, in no uncertain terms.
    “Then you’re going downup the river! Do you know what they do to little tarts, with big breasts, like you have, in the women’s penetencheery at Brighton? Those are hard-core felonious women in there and they have sandpaper tongues, sharp fingernails, and no cumpunction about using foreign objects on new prisoners. They won’t let you watch soap operas, wear fuzzy slippers, or write posts to home. You’ll be eating mutton, I mean, porriage, every day of your life in there. For Christmas you’ll get a sack of walnuts with no nut cracker. Is that how you want to live?”

  9. #9
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    I have to say, LOP, your crap was some of the most brilliant in the book! Yours is one of my favourite chapters. Makes me smile just thinking of it. Hot Damn!
    OUT NOW!
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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  10. #10
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    Or this, from the notorious Chapter 16:

    I looked down at her. Damn she smelt good, and her lips glistened in the street light like two plump, red, Italian tomatoes. Her mascara had sagged into a gothic dressers delight, streamed down her cheeks, and her blue eyes said something to Garry. He kissed her again, and the sweet cherry lip gloss from the first kiss he stole at the police station had turned to salty tears.

    "Come back to my place, Nancy, and lets get this situation sorted out," I said. A small whimper and the nod of her head pushed me to bring her out to the street and put her in my car.

    The street lights flickered through the window as we past each one on the way to my place. Nancy stared out the front window and didn't say much of anything, if anything at all. Garry couldn't stand it any longer and said what was on his mind. After all, he was in love with her.
    OUT NOW!
    The Lost Daughter of India
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    Sons of Gods -- the Mahabharata

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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  11. #11
    wishes you happiness JennaGlatzer's Avatar
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    I'm very... um... proud (?) of you all.
    I am no longer here. If you'd like to visit me, please find me at www.jennaglatzer.com or on Facebook. Thanks!

  12. #12
    Member - the "Sting Gang."
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    Lotta "Hot Damns" in that little ole book.

  13. #13
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by triceretops
    .

    Another one that slipped through the cracks and put a pimple on PA's butt. Is this the fourth sting manuscript? I'm beginning to lose count now. Guiness World Records needs to check this publisher out. In fact, I might submit this feat to their board and see if this topic has ever been covered.

    I have to say I was a bit scared they'd reject it. I couldn't believe they'd not notice it was a sting. I thought they'd be a bit wary by now,
    But honestly, I don't think they even care now . They survived Atlana Nights; they must think it doesn't really matter, as long as new people sign up.
    It's new writers signing up and buying their own books that keep them in business. They just don't care about their reputation.
    Last edited by aruna; 01-07-2007 at 02:35 PM.
    OUT NOW!
    The Lost Daughter of India
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    Amazon US:

    Sons of Gods -- the Mahabharata

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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  14. #14
    practical experience, FTW Tsu Dho Nimh's Avatar
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    Thank you all, thank you, thank you, thank you. I was thrilled to work with such a brilliant team of writers

    Now ... when can I expect the cops at my door like the Pink Pony author got?

    And can we auction the contracts on eBay?

  15. #15
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    oops - sorry for spelling your name wrong inPost 1. Corrected! I've spelt a lot of names wrong today - must be that adrenalin rush, like Duane Malaysia!
    OUT NOW!
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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  16. #16
    practical experience, FTW Tsu Dho Nimh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aruna
    I have to say I was a bit scared they'd reject it. I couldn't believe they'd not notice it was a sting.
    Maybe we can write a sizzling romance between Sharla Tann and Travis Tea and send that in? Call it Death of Atlanta.

    They took enough time to notice a problem with the dialog formatting (perhaps English versus American style), and didn't notice that Nancy went through Heathrow several times with several different outcomes.

  17. #17
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsu Dho Nimh
    Maybe we can write a sizzling romance between Sharla Tann and Travis Tea and send that in? Call it Death of Atlanta.

    They took enough time to notice a problem with the dialog formatting (perhaps English versus American style), and didn't notice that Nancy went through Heathrow several times with several different outcomes.
    And with several different suitcases!
    OUT NOW!
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    Sons of Gods -- the Mahabharata

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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  18. #18
    Feel the power! J.S Greer's Avatar
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    Thats classic!

    Sharla Tann...LOL
    Everybody is a book of blood; wherever we're opened, we're red.
    This is you barking, and this is me being the wrong tree.
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  19. #19
    haz a shiny new book cover Christine N.'s Avatar
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    Ah, yes...
    Do you think they even noticed that I spelled "Twenty" wrong in the heading of my chapter? Or that I included sentences that stated in no uncertain terms that this was utter crap?

    Oh well, it's fun anyway

    Proudly the author of Chapter Tweenty-four
    Christine

    Young Adult Fantasy Author

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    "The Watchmaker's Ball" (short story), to be included in BEWARE THE LITTLE WHITE RABBIT (anthology), coming April 14 from Leap Books


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  20. #20
    On a wing and a prayer aruna's Avatar
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    Hot Damn, Christine, you can WRITE.

    The day was warm, the trees covered in thick leaves. Garry walked away from Cynthia, his thoughts all over Nancy. Where was she, he thought to himself, and who took her? That Roberto was the first person who popped into his head. Roberto, with his suave ways and Latin accent. His dark skin, his full lips, his way of walking that made women drop their pants in the middle of the street.
    OUT NOW!
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    Sons of Gods -- the Mahabharata

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    Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that ...
    ~ Rumi

  21. #21
    haz a shiny new book cover Christine N.'s Avatar
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    Tee hee. It really was hard to write that badly. I had to un-learn all the good stuff people have taught me.

    Yeah, well, it's no Eye of Argon, but I did my best

    I have the copy you sent me, I'm trying hard to get through the rest of it without laughing, but it's proving, uh, difficult. In a beautiful sort of way.

    Bravo!
    Last edited by Christine N.; 01-07-2007 at 05:50 PM.
    Christine

    Young Adult Fantasy Author

    A CURSE OF ASH AND IRON: Coming Spring 2015 from Curiosity Quills Press

    "The Watchmaker's Ball" (short story), to be included in BEWARE THE LITTLE WHITE RABBIT (anthology), coming April 14 from Leap Books


    Represented by Jordy Albert of Booker Albert Literary

    I tweet

    Young Adult Authors You've Never Heard Of

  22. #22
    Nefarious Ghost Fan AnneMarble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aruna
    Our wonderful turkey hatched this morning, 6 am GMT.
    Its name is Crack of Death, by Sharla Tann.
    Congrats!



    Now you can proudly go down in infamy. But the book is for a good cause, so maybe you're going down in famy. Or is that up in infamy?
    THE Official FreakTM
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  23. #23
    figuring it all out
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    I've been waiting for details of what you guys did since you first alluded to it before the holidays.

    Damn, ya'll are brilliant. Congratulations.

    And this? I'll be saying every chance I get:

    "For Christmas you’ll get a sack of walnuts with no nut cracker. Is that how you want to live?"

    Grommet
    (infrequent poster, constant admirer)

  24. #24
    practical experience, FTW Tsu Dho Nimh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsu Dho Nimh
    Maybe we can write a sizzling romance between Sharla Tann and Travis Tea and send that in? Call it Death of Atlanta.

    They took enough time to notice a problem with the dialog formatting (perhaps English versus American style), and didn't notice that Nancy went through Heathrow several times with several different outcomes.
    My roomie suggests "The Crack of Atlanta", with Travis being a plumber.

  25. #25
    Your Genial Uncle Absolute Sage James D. Macdonald's Avatar
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    W00t! W00t! W00t!

    PA pwned again!

    PublishAmerica earned its name of "PublishAnything" by offering a contract on death-defying prose like this:

    Garry lowered himself to the ground. He hung up the phone, then knelt and played with his weapon in the blackness of the dark. His thoughts all coagulated into one single driving force. Vengeance. A mind-numbing all-encompassing swilling swelling desire for vengeance. La Cucuracha. La Madre. Ernesto Espadrillo. These scum and all there scumbag partners in crime would pay dearly for this and pay through the nose. Dearly – very very dearly.
    Yes, I contributed to it, but as just one cog in vast gear-stripped, jammed machine. (My chapter was one of the several times Nancy went through Heathrow. It's the one where she spends an inordinate amount of time worrying about her knickers.)

    The overwhelming question remains: What do you have to do to get rejected by PublishAmerica? Submitting semi-illiterate borderline porn just gets you a contract.

    Maybe the next test should be submitting manuscripts at different times of day to see when the cutoff is.

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