This morning, I turned an innocent person into a brutal murderer.

Carrie in PA · Oct 4, 2006

MidnightMuse said:
And honestly - if serial killers were half as creative as we fiction writers are, they'd never get caught

That's the problem with today's murderer. They just don't have any imagination! Society as a whole is getting lazier and lazier. Why, back in MY day, criminals at least put a little EFFORT into their rampages. Sheesh. :tongue

Soccer Mom · Oct 4, 2006

And they had to walk uphill in the snow barefoot to commit their dastardly deeds and they were glad to do it. GLAD I say!

Andre_Laurent · Oct 5, 2006

arrowqueen said:
'And the mess! Blood *everywhere!* - uh, I mean, uh, oh dear, such a mess.'

Not if you leave them in the freezer for a couple of days, before you put them in the woodchipper. Honestly! Don't you know anything?

And don't forget to aim the chipper into the river. Honestly, where else do you want all those chunks to land? And watch out for the teeth, they don't chip and that will f-you up when the forensics people find them (I watch a lot of Court TV).

aadams73 · Oct 5, 2006

Soccer Mom said:
And they had to walk uphill in the snow barefoot to commit their dastardly deeds and they were glad to do it. GLAD I say!

Uphill both ways, carrying rocks.

Tracy · Oct 5, 2006

Judging by the above posts (Mongolian whatsit - I ask you!) I think you've all comprehensively proven my point - as if it needed proving! - that the world is a better safer place because we're all writers.

Jaycinth · Oct 5, 2006

Only until we're all finished writing it down, you mean?

Carrie in PA · Oct 5, 2006

Andre_Laurent said:
And don't forget to aim the chipper into the river. Honestly, where else do you want all those chunks to land? And watch out for the teeth, they don't chip and that will f-you up when the forensics people find them (I watch a lot of Court TV).

*patient sigh* Well DUH, you have to remove the teeth BEFORE you feed someone into a chipper. It's in the handbook. Geez.

:Shrug:

Andre_Laurent · Oct 5, 2006

Carrie in PA said:
*patient sigh* Well DUH, you have to remove the teeth BEFORE you feed someone into a chipper. It's in the handbook. Geez.

But... it's really difficult to get the molars out... or so I hear... :tongue

Jaycinth · Oct 5, 2006

Have patience. A messy murder is a botched murder.
Tell your victim you are a psycho but you'll let him go once all of his teeth are removed. You then leave him in the room with a hammer and tongs.

Alternatively you can dose her up with opium and remove them yourself. ( yuckky...victim drool....hand sanitizer!)

I do believe that if you bake the teeth at 450 for 6 hours or so, they become brittle and you can pulverize them and scatter the result during the next wind storm.

Fillings may become another problem.

Kate Thornton · Oct 5, 2006

I think if you bake the teeth while still in the head, they will come out easily. And the cheeks are delicious.

Andre_Laurent · Oct 5, 2006

Kate Thornton said:
I think if you bake the teeth while still in the head, they will come out easily. And the cheeks are delicious.

How about if you shrunk the head... say to the size of an apple? How is that done? I know "head hunters" could do it. How is that accomplished?

Jaycinth · Oct 5, 2006

I_Shrugged said:
(It just occurred to me that if a real psycho were out there reading this, they could use our play to get away with their crimes. Ummm... Oops.)

Not if we get him first, he won't.

Carrie in PA · Oct 5, 2006

Jaycinth said:
Have patience. A messy murder is a botched murder.
Tell your victim you are a psycho but you'll let him go once all of his teeth are removed. You then leave him in the room with a hammer and tongs.

Carrie in PA · Oct 5, 2006

Andre_Laurent said:
How about if you shrunk the head... say to the size of an apple? How is that done? I know "head hunters" could do it. How is that accomplished?

That's what the teeth are ground down for. So it's always good to have some on hand.

Oh. And an oven thermometer is your friend. Proper baking is essential to the success of any head shrinking recipe.

Akuma · Oct 5, 2006

Speaking of psychotic murders, a few days ago a girl in my class was talking about her fear of zombies.

I promptly told her that her fear was irrational, as zombies aren't generally thought to exist.

However, I said, a well-dressed man who kidnaps you, binds you to a chair in his basement, and proceeds to cut off your tongue, eyelids, and shave off strips of skin before snapping your individual teeth with nailclippers, does exist. I told her that it would be acceptable if she was afraid of that.

I can't fathom why everyone became silent so suddenly.

arrowqueen · Oct 5, 2006

'How about if you shrunk the head... say to the size of an apple? How is that done? I know "head hunters" could do it. How is that accomplished?'

Procure head donor. Cut off donor's head. Make incision halfway up back of scalp. Slip entire face and scalp off skull like rubber mask. Sew incision back up. Fill head pouch with hot sand. Bury in hot sand. Repeat sand process until head reaches desired size.

(Extract from Delia Smith's latest book: 'Cannibal Cookery and Craftwork.')

Andre_Laurent · Oct 5, 2006

arrowqueen said:
'How about if you shrunk the head... say to the size of an apple? How is that done? I know "head hunters" could do it. How is that accomplished?'

Procure head donor. Cut off donor's head. Make incision halfway up back of scalp. Slip entire face and scalp off skull like rubber mask. Sew incision back up. Fill head pouch with hot sand. Bury in hot sand. Repeat sand process until head reaches desired size.

(Extract from Delia Smith's latest book: 'Cannibal Cookery and Craftwork.')

Now where do a find a donor?

PeeDee · Oct 5, 2006

Why woodchippers? Why not make it look like an accident instead? What if you snapped his neck, but then threw him off a very high cliff?

arrowqueen · Oct 5, 2006

That's what I'm doing tomorrow. Not the neck-snapping though. I'm going for a blunt instrument.

PeeDee · Oct 5, 2006

And hey, if you're really scared that you'll get found out for the murder, murder someone you've never met before and point it toward someone that they've never met before. And not only that, but have the murder and evidence planting actually carried out by someone you hire, who you later put into a coma and then leave in a car wreck.

Andre_Laurent · Oct 5, 2006

PeeDee said:
Why woodchippers? Why not make it look like an accident instead? What if you snapped his neck, but then threw him off a very high cliff?

If the "victim" didn't land right to "account" for the broken neck, some forensics geek would prove it was murder. I watch to much TV.

Andre_Laurent · Oct 5, 2006

I_Shrugged said:
There are plenty of people around the world who aren't using theirs. Most likely, they'd never notice if you borrowed it.

annierab2 · Oct 5, 2006

I'm writing a mystery novel, and nearly all the characters are based on persons I knew at one time. Does that count? I did have an instant scene as I was walking past this elderly couple standing in a downtown doorway once. They were wearing clothes that once were probably expensive, but faded and worn now. I saw them in a somewhat shabby studio apartment, she's adjusting the coat she's wearing now, looking in the mirror, and he's watching her. He says, "That looks nice." She nods complaciently.

Just walking by, I saw their life together. Yeah, I know that's not dramatic, just strange that I saw it in my mind, as if it were a memory.

Kentuk · Oct 5, 2006

Inocent people murder all the time. In fact if you don't count serial murders they account for a hundred percent of murders. Ninety-nine percent of people will commit horrible sin or ghastly crimes if put under pressure in the wrong situation. The remaining one percent are of interest to writers but unappreciated by almost everyone else.

I once went to a religious confrence back in 73 when conscientious objectors were upsetting everything. It was a conservative evangelical confrence but the C.O.s were seriously under represented. The conservatives were basically saying if you were willing to do anything to protect yourself or loved ones in a violent situation you weren't a conscientous objector. This came from people who insisted that 'Thou shalt not kill' was the literal Word of God.
Thank God for the one percent.

Terry

This morning, I turned an innocent person into a brutal murderer.

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