My Daughter Doesn't Want to Grow Up - for real!

Pam, my advice, for what it's worth (I do have an adult daughter), is to avoid at all costs making her feel like her fears are anything but normal for her age. She is talking about her fears and her feelings, which is important. The children who hold these feelings inside are the ones who frequently get into emotional trouble. Also, she's getting to the age where her hormones are probably starting to shift a bit, even if the main events may be a few years away. Maybe she's really afraid of these impending girl-to-woman changes. My daughter was very frightened of the beginning of menses. She's still not jazzed about it all, but back then, we talked through it when it became imminent. Change can be disturbing to senstivie children. She's what, two years away from middle school? Maybe she's finding that horizon intimidating. I'd suggest you talk it out, but only when she brings it up. Don't force the issue, but be willing and ready to get into it when she is. You'll have to be a calming, steady influence through these times. If your life is in turmoil, you'll have to work extra hard to keep up an exterior of calm. Kids are way too perceptive, even the boys (where does it all go?). I hope this helps.

I think he just means if you were something like scientologists, where they wouldn't seek medical treatment even for a life-threatening condition. I don't think he meant it in a bad way, and only said it because he didn't know.

Innkeeper said:

Either your child has some fairly serious problems or you're just yanking our chains for sympathy and then whining about having to take responsibility as a parent.

Which is it?

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I gotta tell ya, I'm having a real hard time understanding where you're coming from here. Pam is trying to sort some things out that she is concerned about, and your response has been less than sympathetic, to say the least.

OP is not just for zany humorous threads, it's also a place people can relate to each other about life in general.

Switch shoes for a minute and reread what you've written.

Innkeeper said:

Either your child has some fairly serious problems or you're just yanking our chains for sympathy and then whining about having to take responsibility as a parent.

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Innkeeper, am I correct in reading before that you don't have children? If so, I'd suggest you back off just a bit. Your previous advice was good, but your approach isn't so good. These things with kids can creep in from time to time without being pathological, but they can be bothersome to the parents. El asked for some advice from people who may have experienced these kinds of situations. And, yes, children can be at both extremes at the same time without being psychiatrist-bound or abused. Your quote above was out of line, in my opinion. El is bringing this up because she is taking responsibility as a parent. She is seeking advice from a diverse group that includes many parents. Children from the ages just before teens through late teens tend to be quite confused, and quite confusing to parents. And there is no how-to book that applies to each and every child.

Please back off the attitude. El is having a rough time right now, and she needs our support, not our criticism.

I remember lying awake at night when I was about that age, thinking of various family members dying and worry about it until I would cry. Some kids just "feel" everything. I don't think its abnormal, to a point. . . my thoughts on the subject are pretty much in line with what NeuroFizz said.

Also, the death of the lady near your age that was stalked may have upset her more than you or she realized. Just knowing someone by even a distant association makes something like that more personal than it normally might be.

The obsessing over growing older might worry me a little. You can take every opportunity to reinforce that each stage of life has something wonderful to offer and help her work through it that way. . .not bringing up her fears directly, but just be aware and when an opportunity arises, make use of it.

Something else I might add, and I know lots of folks may think its hogwash, is taking her to see someone who does aroma therapy, muscle testing, Iridology,etc. I can't tell you how beneficial this has been to our family in ridding one of a variety of obsessions, worries, etc.

Innkeeper said:

Unless your child is five or younger or unless you have a job that puts you in harms way, your child shouldn't be worried that someone will follow you home and kill you. This appears to be a classic symptom of separation-anxiety disorder.

You have also indicated that you're with your daughter 24/7 (although presumably not while she's at school.)

If the problem you initially described truly exists, you really can't deal with it yourself. It has nothing to do with whether or not you're trained as a clinical psychologist and has everything to do with the fact that you're a primary caregiver. What am I talking about? Simple. Your child's anxiety kicks in your protective instincts which in turn generates more emotional dependence and ultimately heightens the child's anxiety. It's a classic negative cycle. The closer you draw to your child in an effort to deal with this problem, the worse the situation could actually become.

Please read more about separation-anxiety disorder. The following report is from the U.S. Surgeon General's office.

http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/mentalhealth/chapter3/sec6.html

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Please provide your credentials to make these diagnoses. Citing a web page without knowing the parents or the child is pissing into the wind. Get off it. Now.

Hi,
I used to be a psychiatric social worker although I never will profess to understand kids, I do know that for a 9 year old, this fear and anxiety isn't so unusual. You need to slowly let them test the waters until they can be without you. Sometimes this happens sooner in some children than in others.

I am concerned about one thing: Many children have been exposed to sexual subjects or to sexual acts way too early either by a family member or by their friends and aquaintances. They try to avoid these people and situations by clinging to their parents in a childlike way. For instance, when I was 5, my mom paid a 13 year old to see to it that I walked home safely from school. This 13 y/o girl was always trying to "talk dirty" around me and also had tried on a few occassions to get me to undress and fondle her. I ran like hell.
I never told my mother. I just stayed away from her. I would run home from school as fast as I could and my mom would wonder why. ( mother and I never discussed sex because it wasn't her style- thus, I would not open up to her. )
So, before you chalk it up to baby behavior, consider all sexual posibilities.
Kids are naturally curious about their bodies. I had another incident where mutual friends of my families kept wanting me to sleep over at their house. That's because the girl, a year older wanted to try and grope me in bed! Can you imagine? I never told my mother about this incident either. I have other similar issues that would come up when I was 9 and younger, but I think you get the picture. Preditors come in all shapes and sizes, all ages, both sexes.

Obviously,she is suffering from major anxiety, phobic reactions to something. It could be learned behavior, it could be chemical. The apple don't fall too far from the tree. If you are afraid of spiders, your child will be. You need to speak first to your pediatrician about her behavior and see if they have any suggestions. Forcing them to sleep over at others homes, and go to girl scout camps and such in order to "grow up" might be the very place they are experiencing anxiety. ( ie, sexual issues ) I might be off base, as well. I am stabbing in the dark on this one.
She may have generalized anxiety disorder and other bio- physical issues causing free floating anxiety. This should be a doctor's call.
Do you have any males in the family that might make her uncomfortable? You need to be very honest with your private evaluation of all of these prospects.
Also you need to speak openly and candidly with your kids about sexual issues and prediators, inappropriate behaviors- all sorts of books are on the subject to help you do this. Also, the internet is helpful.
As a mother, I commend you for being concerned and for wondering what might be wrong. Be careful with denial. It happens to all of us. Defending people when you don't know the facts, doubting doctors opinions, ect.

Good luck to you! My heart goes out to you.

Claude123

She IS seeking help for her children. That seems to be one of the reasons she came here.

It doesn't seem like she is using her spiritual beliefs to deprive her child of getting help (help she might not even need; the girl sounds completely stable to me, just clingy and loving), she is simply trying to find the perfect conditions. Spiritual beliefs, though not the biggest issue nowadays, can still cause a LOT of friction, even against a young child.

I say that sending your kid into someone who is completely against your own beliefs is FAR worse than not seeking any help at all.

you're just yanking our chains for sympathy and then whining about having to take responsibility as a parent.

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I don't even think I have to BEGIN to talk about how classless, distasteful, and rude this is.

I'm glad you're taking your daughter's fears seriously. I think counseling would be a good thing because the fears you describe are about things no one can control, we just have to learn ways to cope. It should be possible to find a non-denominational counselor, even in a conservative city, just make that one of your screening questions.

Have you tried having your older child talk to your daughter about the cool things about growing up? Staying up late, R-rated movies, being able to drive... She needs have good things to look forward to as well as good things to look back on.

My mom taught me that it's a parent's job to raise a child to be able to function independently. We want our children to leave the nest and thrive at the appropriate time. Personally, I think the story of the woman who spent her whole life with her mother is very sad. It's one thing to have a close friendship with mom, but another to be so co-dependent.

*full disclosure* I have no kids but I was one! ;-> I was also a nanny.

Good grief. If we consider all of the data presented, and I'm not throwing this out with qualifications other than as an experienced parent, El's daughter falls well within what I consider the bell curve of normality. If El is guilty of anything, in my opinion, it is of holding her daughter a little to tightly, in a figurative sense. My experience in talking with and observing other parents, including my siblings, is this can create a separation problem that lasts a little longer, and is a little more intense than one for parents who instill independence in their children at a younger age. But the age at which a child reaches independence is a lot like the age at which they walk. It, by itself, rarely mean anything in the long run in terms of normal development and maturation.

I'd like to hear how other parents have dealt with these kinds of anxiety issues in pre-teens, without bringing mental disorders or sexual abuse. I'm sure El would have sought professional help long before now if she suspected either.

Innkeeper said:

As a teacher, I was required to report suspected instances of child abuse or neglect. If a parent walked into my classroom and told me all of the things Pam started with her initial post and then concluded by saying, "but my spiritual beliefs won't allow me to address this problem," I would have called social services in a heartbeat if I couldn't wrangle permission from the parent to allow the child to see the school counselor for further assessment! I wouldn't have cared about Pam's feelings. My education, experience, and training pushes me in the direction of doing what's best for the child.

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But if you go back and read El's original post, her quote about spiritual beliefs wasn't directed to a solution to her child's problem, but about her likelihood of finding a helpful counselor. So, you're flying off the handle, suggesting CPS be called, when you actually misread her comment on the spiritual situation.

I have seen the consequences of far too many parents who have rationalized away concerns about their children only to see the child later have serious problems. I have taught elementary students who have in later years committed suicide, commited violent crimes, or overdosed on drugs.

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So, they must all do it?

I have zero sympathy for how parents feel. Parents are adults. If they choose to be idiots and to make bad choices in life, they are legally allowed to do so as long as their choices are not criminal.

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All parents, or just those you suspect of being poor parents? And, did you automatically suspect the worst from parents?

I wash my hands of this thread.

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First, go back and re-read the quote from El's first post and see if you didn't misinterpret it.

I still don't want to grow up.

But as a child, I worried about my parents' dying. I'd have nightmares and I'd have to get up and sneak into their room. I'd stand there and watch them in the dark until I saw them either move or breath and then I went back to bed.

For what it's worth, I believe what your child is going through is fairly normal.

I wish I was a parent, and I really wish I had some great advice I could give. It's plain to anyone with eyes that El is a concerned parent and very aware of her daughter's environment.

I'd agree with the idea that this is stemming from the other woman who was killed. That kind of thing is on the news all the time, but when it happens near by, to someone you know even in a round-about way, it can have real effects on people. Especially children.

If I could, as someone without kids and no kid experience, offer any advice I'd say just be there for her, listen when she needs you to (as clearly you are) and try not to panic. If and when she really wants to talk about these issues, you'll be there to listen and talk to her.

And if the other parents here feel this could be normal, then I'd try to relax a little and go with the flow of it all.

But I have no kids and never even babysat ! So there's your grain of salt

First of all Eldragon, I'm so sorry people saw fit to attack your brave request for people with similiar experiences. My interpretation of your post was of a very concerned, loving mother, not someone who needed to be attacked.
Secondly, I have a 9 yo daughter too. And she is not so different than your daughter, except I would not say she gets visibly panicky. She is super sensitive and clingy to me, and I think right now in her life is when awareness of social status and the questionable roles of beauty and popularity and all those things many teen girls grapple with are just starting to become apparent -- and they don't include me, these new issues, and I can't make them better among her peers, she has to forge through alot of them on her own. That is scary. The rules are unclear. Kids can be nasty for no reason. It's a foreign territory where for the first time it's uncool to bring your mom along for every step of it.
So, she goes back and forth between asking me to rock her in my arms while she cuddles a teddy bear, and rolling her eyes at me if I say something "uncool" in front of a neighbor. It sounds like your daughter may seem to do more of the teddy bear behavior than the eye-roll behavior, but to me, it does not by default means she needs counseling. She's growing up, it's possible she feels helpless about it, and it's possible she sees losing the special relationship she has with you as a part of growing up. That's a very big deal. And not unfounded, strange, or an indicator of a severe problem.
Here's my only advice, because it helps my daughter (and I have no older children, FYI): Instead of pointing out all the things she'll be able to do as she gets older, make a point of pointing out the things the TWO OF YOU can do together as she gets older. If you get ice cream together every Friday night now, say something to make her think that is never going to change, like "I bet when we do this when you are 16, you'll still order strawberry every time like you do now." Or if you like to shop together, say something like "I bet we'll wear the same shoe size when you're a teenager, and we can pick out some really cool outfits together that you can wear with my purple sandals." Or about driving, "When you get your license, you can drive us to the movies on Saturdays instead of me always driving." You know what I mean. Then, when she's 12-13-14, she'll think of ways to go without you. But for age 9, it's reassuring to think that she's going to grow up and you are going to still be a comrade. Maybe couple this by pointing out how your relationship has changed since she WAS two weeks old, but one thing remains constant: your bond together. E.g.: When you were one I had to go down the slide by myself while you watched because you were too little. Now we both get to go down. Or, I'm so glad you learned to ride a bike, because now we can go on a bike ride together. We couldn't do that when you were five.

And in deference to the people who are going to attack me for not suggesting you send her poste haste to XYZ Clinical Psychiatry Group, of course look for signs that he behavior has crossed the line - and get help if she does. There.

Good luck, and may both our daughters see that growing up doesn't equal loss, but gain of deeper bonds