Have I got this punctuated correctly?

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Daggilarr

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"Divorce actually; though I'm from here originally”—no shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent—“but got whisked away five years back by a lad.”
 
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mrsmig

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The semicolon is overkill. Since you have the connecting word though in the sentence, a comma will suffice: "Divorce actually, though I'm from here originally."

Take though out, and then the semicolon is correct: "Divorce actually; I'm from here originally."

I'll let someone else weigh in on the em-dashes.
 

Bufty

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"Divorce actually; though I'm from here originally”—no shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent—“but got whisked away five years back by a lad.”

Not at all sure how this should be punctuated, but I don't care for the illustrated interjection of someone's thought into someone else's continuing dialogue. The em-dashes suggest she waits or pauses for Frank's thought before continuing. But em-dashes are usually for interruption. However, I do follow what you are trying get across.

I could be totally wrong, and I know it's not what you asked, but personally, I would prefer something like:-

"Divorce actually, though I'm from here originally."

No shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent.

She rambled on. “But I got whisked away five years back by a lad."
 
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paddismac

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Not at all sure how this should be punctuated, but I don't care for the illustrated interjection of someone's thought into someone else's continuing dialogue. The em-dashes suggest she waits or pauses for Frank's thought before continuing. But em-dashes are usually for interruption. However, I do follow what you are trying get across.

I could be totally wrong, and I know it's not what you asked, but personally, I would prefer something like:-

"Divorce actually, though I'm from here originally."

No shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent.

She rambled on. “But I got whisked away five years back by a lad."

I'm in total agreement with Bufty here.

When I notice "unconventional" punctuation, even if it's technically correct, my brain goes immediately into analysis mode and says "here is a sentence that must be read very carefully so as not to misconstrue its meaning." That throws me out of the story, albeit very briefly, and one never wants a reader thrown out of the story.

Grain of salt and all that...
 

Daggilarr

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I think you guys may be right about that. I will have a play. The 'rambled on' bit does not work for me, but something will.
 

Daggilarr

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How about this? I have included a bit either side.

"So Megan, what brings you to this part of the world?" he asked, dismissing his moment of concern about the picture as silly. Odds of anyone seeing that must be a million to one.

"Divorce actually, though I'm from here originally.” She paused to allow a flicker of sadness to pass across her pretty face.

No shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent.

“But then I got whisked by this handsome lad, ooh, about five years ago now," she added, then raised her glass saying, "Here's to freedom," drained it, and unleashed a smile that crinkled her grey blue eyes. Frank nodded and smiled back, liking her now, imagining her little body against his.
 

JDlugosz

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I think character B's thoughts need to be in a different paragraph from char A's speaking. Inner monologue is like speaking in this regard.

In a SYW post, I did this (as paragraphs) and the comment to me was that I should use em-dash for the interrupted dialog. The paragraph breaking was not remarked upon.
 

Daggilarr

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I think character B's thoughts need to be in a different paragraph from char A's speaking. Inner monologue is like speaking in this regard.

In a SYW post, I did this (as paragraphs) and the comment to me was that I should use em-dash for the interrupted dialog. The paragraph breaking was not remarked upon.

Which was how I had it at the start.
 

BethS

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"Divorce actually; though I'm from here originally”—no shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent—“but got whisked away five years back by a lad.”

You need a comma instead of the semi-colon. Or a period there.

Probably should also have a comma after "originally" and "accent." Or so I've seen it done in some published books.

Bufty also has an excellent solution.
 
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BethS

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How about this? I have included a bit either side.

"So Megan, what brings you to this part of the world?" he asked, dismissing his moment of concern about the picture as silly. Odds of anyone seeing that must be a million to one.

"Divorce actually, though I'm from here originally.”

No shit, thought Frank, hearing her accent.

She allowed a flicker of sadness to pass across her pretty face. “But then I got whisked by this handsome lad, ooh, about five years ago now." She raised her glass. "Here's to freedom." She drained it and unleashed a smile that crinkled her grey blue eyes.

Frank nodded and smiled back, liking her now, imagining her little body against his.

I took the liberty of doing a little rearranging and trimming. The main thing was moving that phrase after her first line of dialogue so that Frank's mental response can follow on directly from what she says.
 
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At this point this is turned into a crit thread, not a grammar question.

If the op would like me to move this to SYW, just let me know via a PM or Rep comment; otherwise, I'm locking this.
 
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