How would you rate this sales pitch?

So when I talk to my friends about the book I write I always use about the same "sales pitch" (so to speak) and was wondering whether or not this could look atractive to an agent as possible marketing for the novel (just out of sheer curiosity, tbh):

Long ago, the Galaxy live in a prosperous golden era until its rulers were embroiled in a brutal civil war, so brutal the surviving descendants of said rulers said every succession all other claimants should be killed.
Nowadays, the Galaxy is torn in countless wars, a period of bloodshed and strife. There's hope, though a chosen, proud inheritor of those rulers of old, will come and bring back the old golden era.
And this chosen has arrived, he's an adult at this point, and a threat's looming in his homeland.

This, though... is the story of his younger siblings trying to save their country in the face of this threat and more.

Huh, no worries (then again, I'm not native english, so what was I expecting when told there were mistakes )

Still, gotta think more about it. On the one hand I don't want go overly in detail about stuff, on the other... I'm not 100% what prose would be best for a sales pitch.

Okay, let's see this: Two siblings of the chosen one of an ancient prophecy are set in a race to stop an invasion and save their homeland. The enemy, though, isn't just the invader, but an enemy within and close to the siblings, a father figure, and the hatred and racial tensions in their own country. While waging a war to save the country from the attacker, the two siblings must try to save their homeland from its own cycle of hatred and vengeance... while also trying to save their lifes, for only one Harkund can survive in the Throne. Can their save their country, even from itself? Can they even save themselves?

That or this.

The galaxy’s been ravaged by countless wars. Conflict and strife strangle the innocent.
One hope, faint and weak, remains. The Reforging, the restoration of the Old Empire.
The Reforging, a promise whispered in desperation by a ten thousand voices every second.
The Reforging, brought by the hand of the Chosen One. He is here, the time is close.
But this isn’t his story, but his siblings’.
This is the story of how two souls, almost a galaxy apart from each other, kept it from being torn apart. How they, in the face of invasion, in the face of enemies within and a tradition that dictated their deaths least the mistakes of old repeated themselves, had to rally what little they had and stand for those who couldn’t. Chains of old hatred, age old vendettas, poison the hearts of the two groups, grudges festering within each. The two brothers must stop them, both their people and the attackers. Else they will destroy each other. Breaking the chains, bringing the much awaited promise at long last… is it possible or just something the chosen puppet of fate can achieve?

AH...
Sage, would you kindly move this thread to Query Letter Hell? I mean, it's started already, so may as well keep using it instead of opening a new one. And sorry for the mix-up, I kind of missteped there.