Dealing with jealousy?

underpope

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My friend Q-- is a moderately successful short story writer, with many publications, a SFWA membership, solicitations for several pro anthologies, and so on.

Me, I'm still struggling for my first "pro" publication, after many years of pounding of the keyboard. I've received 56 rejections this year for my short fiction, with (probably) more to come. Q-- tells me that I'm a good writer, that it's merely a matter of time now, but I'm not so sure.

Needless to say, I'm pretty jealous of Q--'s success. I know, of course, that Q-- still gets rejections and so do many professional-level writers, but for some reason that doesn't help.

How do you all deal with this sort of jealousy? What's the best way to break through it so that it doesn't get to the point where it interferes with my writing?
 

Splendor

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When my friends are accomplishing their dreams I am genuinely happy for them because I TRULY believe my time is coming up!!! It fuels my flame in a sense. If you are a spiritual person pray about this matter because at some point your friend will sense your true feelings and sounds like Q is a good friend that encourages you and believes in your writing.
 

lizmonster

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Ah, sympathies, underpope. (I think the short story market is more brutal than the novel market. Subbing shorts is more like querying for an agent over and over again, only you can't sub simultaneously.)

Really, I think the only thing you can do is to find a reason other than publication to persist. If you're not writing first and foremost for yourself, eventually the business will wear you down and wear you out (whether you sell or not).

Remember why you're doing this. Write what you love because you love it. And remember: your friend's path is theirs, and your path is not dependent on their success or failure. Do not let the green-eyed monster take away your love of storytelling.
 

underpope

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Oh, I am happy for Q-- and their successes! I just... need to make sure I don't get too jealous and make them feel bad or guilty. That's the last thing I want. Thanks Splendor and lizmonster for the reality check. :)
 

Fruitbat

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Imo is natural to feel a little pang when peers get something we very much want. However, there's also difference between wishing they didn't get something good and just wishing we got it, too.

I think it's best to always remember to congratulate them. To me, anyway, that keeps it in perspective and keeps me from feeling like I am a (insert bad word here) type person. :)

After all, friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers, forum peers, etc. will ALWAYS be getting good things that we want, whether writing credits or anything else. And we will have things they wish they could have too. Maybe best to just do what you are doing right here, talk it through, so it isn't allowed to become something too big in your mind. Someone getting something certainly doesn't keep you from getting it, too. It is not the last doughnut in the box. :p
 

autumnleaf

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Jealousy is a normal human emotion. If you really want something and you can't get it -- could be publication, career success, financial security, a romantic relationship, children, good health, a non-dysfunctional family -- then it's normal to feel those pangs. You just got to remind yourself that:
- Feeling jealousy is not wrong, but
- Acting on jealousy is. So congratulate your friend and don't let it harm the friendship. Also
- All human emotions can be part of the writer's toolbox. Maybe your next story is about the corrosive effects of jealousy....
 

Layla Nahar

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How do you all deal with this sort of jealousy? What's the best way to break through it so that it doesn't get to the point where it interferes with my writing?

I struggle a lot with this kind of envy - which comes from ideas about myself. The best antidote is to find the things you're grateful about, that's one, and the other is to find where you are happy for the other person. But the latter in particular is hard because we run right up against the problem of our ideas about ourselves.

I would also tell you that 'breaking' is a problematic metaphor. The problem is ourselves, and it's like those finger traps, the harder you try to get free, the tighter the bond. So you have to kind of go slack with this stuff - which is hard (in particular because the instructions are so vague 'go slack'...) But the number one thing, IME, is learn to work in the face of the envy, the fear, etc all those difficult mental states.

ps - I know you said you are happy for him, but that you are concerned that your jealousy might make you say/do something that will make him feel bad or guilty. Two thoughts here - what might make him feel bad or guilty might be something very different from what you guess will make him feel bad. Second thought is - well, you are this aware. You can take all kinds of actions to avoid saying or doing things that concern you. Think about it, meditate on it, consider searching for things you can say to yourself when *your* feelings come up that make you concerned for his feelings - hope that last thing made sense.

ETA/pps: You might not like this because I sure don't but I think the way out of this trap is humility and self-acceptance.
 
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underpope

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Oh, please don't get me wrong. I'm very happy about Q--'s successes, and I tell them that. I also say that I'm willing to ride on their coattails. :)

I totally recognize that the problem is on my end, and not Q--'s.
 

Katrina S. Forest

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I'm totally there with you. I think jealousy rears its ugly head for me when I read about authors who detail their "long" journey to publication... and it turns out the length of time they're talking about is half the time I've been trying, let alone having any success.

I find it's easier to be happy for people I know personally. I saw them on their journey, and I felt like I experienced it with them. I get especially excited when a story I helped beta-read gets some attention, because I feel like I loved that story before it was cool. :)

I'm not sure there's anything that makes jealousy go away--sometimes it's just about forcing a smile to other people and then punching a pillow when you've got some time alone.
 

pinkbowvintage

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In an industry where some people are landing amazing publications, deals, awards and high praise, it's really, really hard not to be envious now and again. I agree that it's normal, natural, and a sign that you're driven and want to do as well as your friends.

We're always told not to compare ourselves to others, but that's sometimes difficult for writers as comparison can lead to revision which can then lead to growth and improvement. Though it is true that everyone's journey is unique and there's no easy path to success. I try and remember that no matter what stage of their career a writer is at, they still get anxiety. They still want to write better, write more, and produce the best they can and outdo themselves with each new story or book. I don't think that ever really goes away, even for the writers who are landing six-figure deals and movie deals.

It's sort of an unending battle up the hill. When you don't have an agent and all you want is an agent, you may convince yourself it'll make you happy and turn your life into rainbows. If and when you land an agent, you'll probably be elated, but then that will pass as you move on to the struggle of being on submission. And then if you land a book deal, you'll worry about how well the book will do, what people will think, etc. And then even if your book sells well and is a hit, you'll worry you can't replicate that success, or that you're a hack or an imposter, or have to deal with writer's block/sophomore slump fears. And THEN even if you become prolific, you still worry that you can't outdo yourself, or keep writing great books, or you'll run out of ideas or people will stop caring about you...there's always something.

What really helps me is to root myself in why I write and why I love it. Why I sacrifice hours doing it and why it feels so good to have a draft done or a great sentence written. Learn to praise yourself, to give YOURSELF those accolades. I feel you so much on this. I also think that you are your own best cheerleader and fan if you let yourself be.
 

Famoustapu

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Just don't give up and just continue what your doing. Maybe it is helpful if you dont overthink too much :)