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Thread: Anyone care to feedback on my romance plot?

  1. #1
    Learning to read more, post less
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    Anyone care to feedback on my romance plot?

    the genre is Young Adult paranormal romance, and I want to include strong romance plots for various characters. Would you mind telling me what you think of this one:



    Kaya and Ruana are two sisters from British-ruled alt universe India. The 2 have been teleporting to our world for the last 2 years. I already worked out Kaya’s story, how she falls in love with Castor, an American from our universe. Her sister gets fond of him too since he spends hours each day giving them the education they can’t receive at home since they have to work as maids.



    Kaya is the more cautious, sensible one. Ruana is the impulsive one. One day she kidnaps the Prince of Wales from her universe. By now Castor is 18, and in his first year of med school. He lives in a flat by himself. No roommates because he wants the sisters to teleport at will into his place so they can meet. he’s in love with Kaya and sees Ruana as his little sister.



    One day Ruana brings Prince Ralen to him and Kaya, saying: “We’ll hold him hostage in your flat until the Brits give us our freedom.”



    Kaya and Castor are horrified. All three expect Ralen to b a bewildered, snivelling mess.



    But he’s quite nonchalant and undaunted. “Well this is a nice change from a dull routine,” he says. “Of course you know we British are ruthless. My people will start killing your people until you give me back. But meanwhile we can have a nice chat. Tell me more about your world. So white people mix freely with colored people here? What a novel concept.”



    Despite themselves they’re impressed with his insouciance.



    “I’m not sure you understand how this kidnapping thing works,” Ruana tells him. “I could cut off a finger or ear and send it to your parents as a token of goodwill.”



    “I’m not sure you understand how Brits work,” he replies. “They would only ravage India in revenge. Assuming you love your country, I take it that is not what you want. And we Brits aren't cowards. If you expect me to quake in my shoes, you’ll be waiting a long time.”



    they lock him up in Castor’s bedroom and tell him even if he were to escape, no one would believe he’s from another verse, etc.



    “I have no interest in escaping,” he replies. “I’m your willing prisoner. Since we have some time to kill before my parents and government get back to you, why don't you show me around? Some science fiction writers in my world have written of alt universes and I always kind of believed there must be worlds besides mine, but I never thought I'd be go lucky as to travel to one.”



    “I’m your captor, not your tourist guide,” snaps Ruana. “if you behave, I might let you have some food. Only because I assume even you can’t keep yapping while your mouth is full.”



    “You seem to be a very competent young lady,” he says. “So I'm sure you're a good cook too. I love Indian food. How about a chicken biryani?”



    “You're getting bread and cheese,” she says. “If you’re lucky, I won't spit in it.”



    But she does make the chicken biryani.



    “You want him to admire your cooking,” guesses Kaya.



    “Don't be ridiculous,” snaps Ruana. “His babbling about chicken biryani just gave me a craving for it, that's all.”



    Sparks fly between Ralen and Ruana. All his life he’s been used to people treating him with deference and women falling all over him. she’s the first girl he’s met who isn't impressed with his status.



    The Brits do indeed threaten to lay waste India. In a panic, his three captors plan to return him.



    “Wait,” he says to Ruana. “Promise me this isn't the last time I'll ever see you. You’re so different from the fluttery females I meet all the time who are dying to capture the Prince of Wales. Of course you're wrong to want to free India but I even admire how rash and bold you were to kidnap me. At least you’re doing something to stand up for what you believe in, even if your beliefs are all wrong. Most young women I know are only interested in men and other such worthless things.”



    she’s secretly flattered but replies, “You just want to use my powers so you can explore this world.”



    “That too of course,” he says. “But every woman I meet from now on is going to seem dull and flat compared to the raven-haired spitfire who can make a chicken biryani fit for the gods. And who can hop from one universe to another. I swear I will never tell anyone who it was who kidnapped me. Please let’s keep meeting.”



    But Kaya and Castor decide its too dangerous. And Ruana reluctantly agrees.



    Back at his palace, Ralen is miserable. Now that he knows there’s another world and verse out there, he’s dying to explore it. Everything about his own world and people now seems dull and boring. He pines for Ruana but knows he must make no attempt to search her out, or else he will expose her to capture.



    He lies and tells everyone he has few memories of his time in captivity. But he starts making inquiries of people as to whether they've heard of people who can teleport to other universes. He asks the famous scientists of his time if its possible.



    And word gets round and the authorities start to suspect that is what happened to him.



    Then one day someone who sees the girls teleporting sells the info to his father the king and the girls are brought before them.



    Ralen’s heart leaps with joy at the sight of Ruana but his face remains impassive. “I've never seen these girls before in my life,” he says. “Whoever they are, they’re not my captors.”



    Afterwards he meets the girls and says: “Haven't I proved I can be trusted? I promise I will never reveal the truth. Please don't disappear from my life again.”



    so Ruana starts taking him on trips to our world. She shows him a slum in India and says: “See what colonization did to India.”



    “What I see is that the British were right to rule India,” he says. “Look what a miserable job Indians are doing ruling themselves. Look at the third world toilet that India is. How can you look at the India of this world and not realize the Brits
    were better rulers?”



    He also uses arguments that make her uneasy. He looks up the history of our world and tells her: “There was a bloodbath when India did get her freedom. One million Hindus and Muslims slaughtered each other in the post Indian independence riots. If you love India the way you claim to, there is no way you would want that for it. No one who loves their country would ever want one section of it to kill another. Unless you too are one of those Hindus who wants to butcher Muslims because you think they don't have a right to be in India.”



    Well of course she isn't one of those Hindus and she knows any pulling out by the Brits will result in Muslims getting slaughtered. They've never been safe in India since theyre a minority.



    “We Brits are a necessary evil in India,” he tells her. “You’ll be happier once you accept that. we’re the only thing that stops Hindus and Muslims trying to genocide each other out of existence.”



    So they argue their views and spar, but they cant keep away from each other. Ruana realizes to her dismay she’s falling in love with him. And he comes from a time and culture where white people would consider it demeaning to marry any non-white. sure, he has fun flirting with her but that doesn't mean he’s serious about her.



    She confides in her sister Kaya. “Ralen is what in this world would be called a racist and white supremacist. And he doesn't have a hundred years of the history of race relations that this world has. But I cant resist him. If only the India of this world hadnt done such a lousy job of ruling itself. I could have rubbed the smug smile right off his gorgeous arrogant face had I been able to show him a self-governed india that was a developed country.”



    meanwhile his father King Henry still suspects the girls, so he sets spies upon them. They report back they saw Ruana teleport with Ralen.



    So Henry kidnaps the girls parents and holds them in an undiscosed location.



    Do you find it interesting so far? I can outline later how the rest of tehir romance goes.



    I know one risk is that I feature a hero who starts off racist but he IS from a time when most whites were, when most Brits did think they had a right to rule much of the world.



    And if I want them to start off with totally opposing views so there’s a lot of the conflict and clash between them. I loathe romances where the couple has no real reason to stay apart but fights for silly reasons to keep the story going.



    It will take some doing but I will feature events that change him and his racist views. That’s his character growth.



    Thanks for any feedback.

  2. #2
    practical experience, FTW Evelyn_Alexie's Avatar
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    I think if you post this in SYW you might get more eyes on it.
    The above text is a natural product.
    Slight variations in grammar & spelling enhance its original character and are not to be seen as defects. Especially since Autocorrect has a mind of its own.

  3. #3
    volitare nequeo AW Moderator veinglory's Avatar
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    You segue from a synopsis to a scene that isn't obviously about romance. So, kind hard to say anything except that the whole idea is a bit of a minefield in terms of cultural sensitivities. And I assume the prince of wales is different in the other world : $
    Emily Veinglory

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