Not quite rape -- how to resolve?

Wouldn't this depend on the character and the story?

It's well and good to want to offer education and retribution to the offender, but not if it turns your characters into props for a lesson. If/when your girl steps up and comes forward, she's going to have to do it herself, not because an author pushed her. Right now, she feels guilt and shame, as many girls in her situation do... and the boy probably doesn't even know or care that what he did was wrong. What would give her courage to stand up? Does she hear of him attacking another girl - maybe going further than he did with her? Does she have a trusted friend or relative who encourages her? Or maybe she tries to do something anonymous that backfires - say, starting a rumor that gets out of hand and bites the wrong people. As for appropriate resolution... what works for your story? What level of justice are we talking - getting kicked off a sports team, or something more public involving the legal system? Is it enough for her to see him outed as an offender, letting their peers know what kind of boy he is so other high school girls are less likely to be victims, or does it rise higher than that? What about the boy - what were his motivations in the incident? Does he even recognize that he did something wrong, or was he just heeding bad advice from locker room buddies (or maybe an older male relative/friend) telling him girls really want it when they say they don't, so keep pushing when she says "no"? Is he an irredeemable offender, or a kid who's been taught to think with the wrong "head" in the mistaken belief that that's what "real" men do? What are you looking for for him - a lesson of some sort, or is he beyond that and requires legal penalties and official intervention?

Time frame and setting are probably going to matter here, too. Even in modern times, a girl standing up and accusing a boy of pushing too far can bring more judgement on her than justice against him; move backwards a few decades, or into more conservative communities, and you're still going to get a situation where speaking out may do more initial harm than good, even with her own parents. Economic and racial disparities might magnify this.

Again, too much is impossible to know without knowing your story or your characters. I suggest approaching it from that angle, rather than as a lesson to readers or society.

No means no. If she says no, at any point, even if you're about to finish as a man- than you stop. A woman reserves the right to refuse sex or stop consenting even during the act. So does a man. I've stopped halfway through and asked someone to leave because of an inappropriate comment.

There have been laws recently passed, I'm not sure which state- that says a man is still allowed to finish if a woman revokes consent. Which I think is bullshit.

However, it depends on the context- as a grown-ish (25 years old) man. No means no for me, period- I stop trying and we continue cuddling or talking.

But as a horny teen no sometimes meant I needed to flirt harder or tease a bit more and try again later, but was never forceful. Most girls at that age will throw away their morality or "we should wait a few months" comments if you get them turned on enough or work with what they are comfortable with. So she said no but after 45 mintes of boob touches and making out somehow its now a yes- sort of thing. Sometimes that teenage "no" turns into a full flip and they end up taking control because you worked up their hormones so much that they actually full heartedly say yes.

So I think you need to focus on is how your character leaves the situation. If she left feeling dirty and forced than yes, it's rape. If she leaves disappointed in herself for going through with it, but enjoyed it and wanted him- thats a harder line to walk.

You said it didn't finish in actual sex, did he not finish, or did they just do everything other than sex?

She could talk to her friends or parents about it, or the school counselor. She could be petty ( might be the wrong word) and post on social media about it, she could talk to his exes or other filings, she could warn other girls about him or publicly shame him. She could go to the cops for sexual assault, but it may be chalked up to two kids that fooled around and she ended up regretting it. Which is a harsh and sucky reality.

We need more power to people who feel attacked sexually, but at that age ( and I hate to group this up like this ) there are so many instances of people hooking up and crying wolf afterwards because "he/she went on a date with sally instead of me or didnt text me back blah blah blah" that sometimes adults find it hard to believe. There were a few instances of that in my highschool that got some of the boys in a LOT of trouble when realistically we all knew the girls involved were just trying to punish them. Sad.


I digress.

If she feels uncomfortable, and said no, if he forced her hand and she didnt feel safe- its rape and she can and should voice her story to whoever will hear it.

Cekrit said:

Most girls at that age will throw away their morality or "we should wait a few months" comments if you get them turned on enough or work with what they are comfortable with.

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Let's be really clear on one thing: morality has exactly nothing to do with saying yes or no to any type of sexual activity. Girls who wait are not more moral than girls who don't, or even those girls who initiate sexual activity.

And this is not to say that all sexual activity is well-advised for every person at every age, or that some types, and the timing, of sexual activity can't raise red flags about a person's situation or psyche. But these things are not moral issues.

And it's definitely not to say that the issues of consent - of giving it, not giving it, accepting or declining it - are divorced from morality. They're not. They're pretty well the essence of morality, but not because sex has anything to do with concept of morality. It doesn't.

Morality is what fosters cooperation among humans toward the well-being of sentient creatures.

No one in a position to grant consent is less moral because they say yes to sexual activity, even if they later regret having done so. Their moral standing is neutral to their agreement to participation in sexual activity.

Just a couple of ideas on how it might go:

I think it's likely she would rather avoid him than risk it becoming a public "he said, she said" thing, and nothing would happen to him. Or she does tell someone and their reaction makes her reconsider.

He might believe, or at least convince himself, that it was no big deal, perhaps from a combination of surging hormones, misogynistic advice, and lack of empathy for others. Possibly with alcohol involved, even if more as an excuse than him really misunderstanding the situation. Maybe it's a regular thing for him.

Something could happen to make him regret his behavior or she sees a chance to stick it to him and does, perhaps not immediately, though.

He might have had a good sense that he could get by with it with her, too. Maybe you could show an earlier incident or two of him subtly testing her boundaries or having something on her, like if she was cheating on her boyfriend or had lied to strict parents about where she was going.

Also, he could show up with flowers or an apology and she forgives him, as the start of an abusive relationship.

Perks said:

Let's be really clear on one thing: morality has exactly nothing to do with saying yes or no to any type of sexual activity. Girls who wait are not more moral than girls who don't, or even those girls who initiate sexual activity.

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Perhaps the wrong word choice then while in the heat of a rant. My apologies.

Brightdreamer said:

Wouldn't this depend on the character and the story?

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This is really important to finding your answer.

What type of girl is your character? Is she someone who would want to just try to forget about it and make it go away? If that's the case, she might find that it's more difficult than she imagined to just forget about it. Perhaps it haunts her for a while, disrupts her sleep, her schoolwork starts to slip, and then someone like a parent, concerned friend, or even the school might get involved to ask what's going on.

Is she someone who is headstrong and knows she's been wronged? Does she make a beeline for the authorities to bring about swift justice?

Is she somewhere in the middle? She knows it wasn't quite right but doesn't really know what to do about it. Maybe in that case it would be appropriate for her to take some time to herself to reflect, and then just mention it to a trusted friend to see how they react. Is she someone who cares about how she's perceived? If so, depending on how the friend reacts to this could be a pivotal point for your story: if the friend is outraged and encourages her to step forward, maybe she will. If the friend doesn't see the red flags and downplays it, maybe she buries it and struggles internally.

As for the boy, perhaps it would be equally as effective if we see through someone else that he's gotten what he deserved. For example, if your MC chooses not to come forward and tell someone about it, we could see later in the story the karma play out. Maybe he did this to someone else who DID choose to come forward, and he gets in serious trouble. As a reader, I think it would still be satisfying to see that he's been punished for what he's done, even if it is not the MC who brings about that end.

Cekrit said:

No means no. If she says no, at any point, even if you're about to finish as a man- than you stop. A woman reserves the right to refuse sex or stop consenting even during the act. So does a man. I've stopped halfway through and asked someone to leave because of an inappropriate comment.

There have been laws recently passed, I'm not sure which state- that says a man is still allowed to finish if a woman revokes consent. Which I think is bullshit.

However, it depends on the context- as a grown-ish (25 years old) man. No means no for me, period- I stop trying and we continue cuddling or talking.

But as a horny teen no sometimes meant I needed to flirt harder or tease a bit more and try again later, but was never forceful. Most girls at that age will throw away their morality or "we should wait a few months" comments if you get them turned on enough or work with what they are comfortable with. So she said no but after 45 mintes of boob touches and making out somehow its now a yes- sort of thing. Sometimes that teenage "no" turns into a full flip and they end up taking control because you worked up their hormones so much that they actually full heartedly say yes.

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The structure of this comment, "No means no... However..." troubles me.

Cekrit said:

Most girls at that age will throw away their morality or "we should wait a few months" comments if you get them turned on enough or work with what they are comfortable with.

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Evidence?



ETA: Everything Sage says, below, too. And Perks.

If she says no, it's rape. If she is coerced, it's still rape.

Back to the OP, there are a lot of ways to handle this in fiction that would be satisfactory for the story. Addressing it correctly and empathetically on the page is actually a good deed on your part.

So, the scenario you describe is so common that there are many ways to handle it. Sadly, the most true-to-life is that she wouldn't do anything about it but feel bad and go along once-bitten and, hopefully, better informed.

I would caution against making her too long-rangingly damaged by the incident. It's very wrong for anyone to pressure anyone else into more sex than they are happy to participate in, but it's equally wrong to imagine that something like this automatically leaves all women permanently to semi-permanently wounded in the soul. Like a car crash, many women recover fully from sexual assault (which what you describe is) and carry on through stages: bruised, fearful, wary, more-or-less back to normal but with more knowledge of the world. And she will always know that she's not immune to car crashes. It will never again be a hypothetical.

Now, your character could also talk to someone about it, confront the boy, or depending on her personality, do something in retribution. In the case you've sketched out, a trip to the police could result in them talking to the kid and his parents (with whatever fallout those characters would deliver) or downplaying it with the infuriating boys will be boys.

Your character might become fixated for a while on reading articles and stories about these things on the internet until she works it out of her system. If she's artistic, she might paint a painting, or write a song, a story, or a poem. (Might even share it in class and zap him that way.)

Anyway, these are a few ideas off the top of my head.

Best of luck with your story!

Obviously, character/plot becomes a bit chicken/egg from a writing perspective for how it can go... but the subject of not-quite-rape/sexual assault in a coercion sense was a really interesting part of the (non-fiction) book Pledged. The girls in the book are in college, but the subject comes up often. The external social factors endlessly complicated situations where the girls involved already knew things weren't okay.

The most realistic scenario I can imagine (without it becoming Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) would be something like the girl telling her friends what happened, word spreading, and the boy in question suffering socially for what he's done. That would also leave room to redeem the boy (learns his lesson, apologizes, etc) if you wanted to.

I do think a girl might tell a counselor/teacher/mentor-figure about it, but I do think it comes back to the problem that there isn't much they could do about it. Having an adult or authority figure help your MC understand it isn't her fault could be used as a way to incite whatever next steps follow?

It all depends on how big a factor this incident is - like Sage ^ said.

I think if it's a subplot - something that happens but doesn't run as a major theme through the whole story, I'd like it if she wasn't too horrifically damaged by the event (because nothing bothers me more than those kinds of stories) but if she humiliated him in some way - if he was at least held accountable in some manner. She doesn't need to weep or rage for there to be a punishment or - a moral lesson, of some kind, you know what I mean?

There's evidently no consent here - and while not actual full rape occurs, clearly quite a bit does..

Again, it all depends on the girl. How she handles it. I'd like it if she got a little revenge. But that's just me.

I've messaged my advice because it involves a very personal story, but I'm going to post this out here--

There are other forms of sexual assault besides rape. They are crimes even if no sex happened. They can be prosecuted, if the person presses charges.

I'll also point out that many schools may well do something. I had a character in one of my books who showed up on screen flinching from my MMC, then told him several chapters in that her boyfriend had decided to have sex with her while she was asleep. I ran this by the head of my old school (the school in the book is an expy) and he said they would probably suspend the student while it was investigated, and expel him if the accusation was held up. (This, incidentally, is how they handled the news when they found out one of their teachers had a history of dating his students.)

If she said no, but he kept going, then maybe he is the sort of person who would do this to another girl as well. What if there was another girl, and she figured out what happened to the MC? (Or, in turn, the MC could have figured out that the same thing happened to this girl).

There are degrees of sexual assault. Whether intercourse occurred is irrelevant to whether a criminal act occurred. See recent news about Taylor Swift.

I have a friend who this happened to in high school. She ended up changing her personality and becoming a former shelf of herself (went from mature to very very immature). We didn't call it r*pe at the time (again we were 15 ish) but we did say he forced her to do stuff. Eventually she ended up with a restraining order on him.

Niiicola said:

Hi all. It's been absolute ages since I've posted in this group. Hope you've all been well!

I'm plotting a new story in which a girl basically gets coerced into doing a lot more sexually with a boy than she wants to. They're hooking up, and she keeps telling him no, but he keeps going. It doesn't finish in actual sex, but afterwards, the girl is full of guilt for somehow not being forceful enough to stop him (though of course we all know that's not the real problem here).

I'm struggling with what an appropriate resolution would be -- which is kind of disturbing, to be honest. If I, as a grown woman, am not sure what to do with a situation like this, what does that mean for teenage girls? It's not exactly something you could go to the police with, and telling a teacher or counselor also seems weird if it happened outside of school. I'd love your ideas for how my character could address this and move forward while also providing some sort of retribution to the offending boy.

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JetFueledCar said:

There are other forms of sexual assault besides rape. They are crimes even if no sex happened. They can be prosecuted, if the person presses charges.

I'll also point out that many schools may well do something.

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Debbie V said:

There are degrees of sexual assault. Whether intercourse occurred is irrelevant to whether a criminal act occurred.

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+ 1 JetFueledCar and Debbie V

Even if no rape occurred, it's definitely the sort of thing kids and their parents can and sometimes do go to authorities with. Rape is only one form of sexual assault. Exact definitions vary by state, so what's classified as rape will differ, but the other acts with other labels are still prosecuted. So, for example, at least in some times/places, oral sex will be defined as rape for female victims if there's any penetration, but for female victims where there's no penetration and for male victims, forced oral sex won't be classified as rape. There are sodomy and other sexual misconduct charges, though (with variable punishments).

Working with kids in juvie, I'd say over half of incarcerated kids with sex offense charges have charges other than rape (for many acts performed on female and male victims). Most charges seem legit (though many of the kid perps are junior high age with heavy sex abuse histories themselves and cluelessness as to what exactly was wrong with their behavior). In my experience, the cases that may not be legit are not because a victim has made a false claim (don't see much of that at all), but a parent in certain positions (police, probation officer, etc.) isn't happy about the sexual acts and goes after the kid who had relations with their kid.

While it wouldn't be abnormal to bring it to the police or school counselors and such, for purposes of your story, I'd make it depend on the character and what kind of a story you're writing. Good luck with it, Niiicola!

I haven't read all the responses to this, which I'm sure have a lot of good perspectives, but here is mine: you need to deal with this subject with a lot of care and finesse. It's a pretty real-life situation that happens all the time, but I think automatically naming the boy as a rapist and the girl as a victim could keep readers from realizing how similar this situation might be in their own or their friends' lives (particularly any male readers might disassociate from the boy's character even if they might act the same way in that situation). The finesse comes with showing the grey area here, the feelings and reasoning on both sides, and showing that the boy is not EVIL in all aspects of life (even if he's SELF ENTITLED as sh*t), and show that ultimately, pressuring a girl into sexual acts and ignoring when she says or implies "no" is (1) a crime, (2) a serious intrusion of the girl's selfhood in every way, (3) douchey, selfish and inconsiderate (at the very least), and (4) always inferior to getting enthusiastic consent.

Finally, I'll just say: (1) we need more stories in which the result of sexual assault is not the girl being permanently damaged, traumatized, victimized (everyone copes in different ways) and (2) CONSENSUAL sexual acts should be represented positively. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than a directly or implicitly slut-shaming narrator in YA. Even if other characters view consensual sex in a negative way and judge girls for their consensual choices, it's good to imply through the story that there are other opinions out there.

Just wanted to add: the Owen Labrie case from a year or two ago sounds slightly similar to this story... maybe not in specifics but definitely the spirit of the situation. You might want to read more on the case, even transcripts from the plaintiff and defendant, to get a better idea of how these real life people thought and felt about the incident