Stories, stories, everywhere, and not a one to write.

JetFueledCar · Aug 4, 2017

For a few weeks I've been thinking about picking up Devin's book again. I managed to get up before work one morning to do it, then sat at the computer and didn't touch it because the rewrites he requires feel completely overwhelming. I need to plot out an entirely new draft of his book.

Until yesterday, when I remembered--I resent the hell out of the fact that I gravitate to male characters. I resent it because I know that part of it is that that's what I see. So I picked up the oldest of my continuing projects, a book that has all of two male characters in a cast of about twenty ladies. And I looked at the dossier--last time I picked this up I cut a bunch of girls I created just for the story and replaced them with the more fleshed-out heroines from my various other, dead in the water projects.

So guess what I'm second-guessing now?

Yep.

I can't stick with anything for more than a few minutes anymore. And when I do, all I can think is the problems. It's not diverse enough; I don't know the cities my characters are from enough; I don't know math and computer coding like Beatrice does; the program the school runs, no matter how I shape it, just feels trite. And when I keep seeing problems, very quickly I stop caring. That's what my writer's block looks like--I just don't care.

I went almost a year without caring about my original writing and only barely caring about my fan work. I'm tired of not caring.

Layla Nahar · Aug 6, 2017

JetFueledCar said:
... the rewrites he requires feel completely overwhelming. I need to plot out an entirely new draft of his book.

l get the overwhelm a lot.

A way that many people who suffer from it have successfully dealt with overwhelm is to stop thinking of the Entire Project, and see only the steps. And only the 'doable' steps. Sometimes for me just clicking on a folder is seems really hard - because of what's in the folder (like, getting back to writing after 14 months of feeling too much dread to actually work on any projects).

Until yesterday, when I remembered--I resent the hell out of the fact that I gravitate to male characters. (<-can you explain this to me? Because I don't follow this sentence ->)I resent it because I know that part of it is that that's what I see.

... ...when I keep seeing problems, very quickly I stop caring. That's what my writer's block looks like--I just don't care.

This is the kind of writer's block that is a form of self-sabotage - and self-sabotage is a messed up form of self-protection. You want to write. You have these (very) high expectations, which - like I have always done, you fall short of.

Something I learned from having the good fortune to be exposed to some people who were successful at their craft was that they greatly prioritized what they were capable of and were satisfied with what they did, and allowed that to create the path that led them to the success. I had been - and from what you say you are also - going at it backwards. Setting up an unreasonable goal then punishing myself for falling short. So I had a preference for doing things that allowed me to perceive of myself on the one hand as a failure (that's a safe place - your critic want to keep you safe) *and* paradoxically, to see myself as a gifted. The parts of us that set this goal so high - they focus on things outside the self because they are part of the mechanisms that help us function in our social human setting. For some reason this part of our mind can get messed up, exaggerated programming pretty easily.

Anyway, what it comes down to is keep your attention on what you can do. If things that allow you to beat yourself up (because, for people like us, that is your comfort zone) come into mind, just gently turn yourself away from them. There will be times that the programming will reassert itself hard, but a good way to deal with it is forex, when you want to write, and it seems hopeless, etc, just tell that part of your mind 'yes, I understand you see it that way. But I'm only going to write a paragraph. How can that hurt?'

Anyway, the upshot is reprogram yourself to 'unfocus' on failure, and allow yourself (this is the hard part) to be happy with what you are capable of.

Dunno if that will help, but there it is.

JetFueledCar · Aug 6, 2017

That does help, thank you. And let me clarify what I mean:

I have historically written about 80% male characters, while simultaneously hating the industry for putting 80% male characters out in the world. The reasons are thus:

- I am nonbinary and have fought against being perceived as female for about eight years now and every time I have any association with a female character it feels like an excuse for people to forget that;
- I historically use actors to represent my characters, and I frequently start with a face, and in most cases that's my favorite actor at the time--which is usually a very pretty white boy;
- I hate the tropes that surrounded female characters when I was getting seriously into writing. I have a loooong rant about the females of that time, which I'm withholding because I don't want anyone to feel bad if one of the tropes I dislike is one they use.

End result, sooooo many MMCs.

But then I was reminded--forcibly--that I also hate a good chunk of the tropes surrounding male characters, which unlike the ones surrounding females will not die. Male characters and writers are still getting rewarded for those tropes. And so I decided I don't want to write so many boys, and right now at least don't want to write any boys. Which means, instead of working on Devin's book like I was intending to, I have to shift gears and write one of my girls. None of whom are even halfway plotted right now.

And now we enter the vicious cycle of "There's so much to get done I can't possibly do it all" that you talked me through getting out of above.

froglivers · Aug 8, 2017

Dude, I wrote a reply to this yesterday, but accidently deleted it by trying to edit the post on my tablet.

Hammer

Anyway, long post short: I feel you.

But look at it this way:

- all this worrying about being good? It holds you back from free and unconstrained writing, YES, but think of it as lifting weights so that when the story does run loose, you won't be supporting the Republic of Gilead. Because you trained your mind, yo.
- and one day, as you keep pushing that story boulder up the hill, you'll find that all your thinking about these issues will have paid off. Because it's sunk into your brain.
- so keep writing.

As for me:
it took 5-7 years to get the Greek chorus of 'you're being bad' to sit down and help me write the story instead of kick it in the teeth when it was struggling to come out, unformed. It might be sooner for you, who knows. I was a English Lit grad student working on a PhD in postcolonial theory and feminism, so I had a LOT of weight on my back while trying to push that boulder up the hill.

Cheers,

JetFueledCar · Aug 8, 2017

I did read your reply, and was sad it got deleted. I thought maybe you were second-guessing what you had written.

I appreciate both replies, though. Training my mind is a good way to look at it.

veinglory · Aug 8, 2017

You know what? You have a creative spark in you. Take a break from analyzing and critiquing and worrying. See what it has to show you. Take an afternoon, or day, or weekend and just write what makes you happy. If it brings you joy it will give something to some readers out there. See how it goes. You can do this.

froglivers · Aug 9, 2017

JetFueledCar said:
I did read your reply, and was sad it got deleted. I thought maybe you were second-guessing what you had written.

I appreciate both replies, though. Training my mind is a good way to look at it.

the tablet is such a joy and woe both. :Hail:

As for second guessing.... yeah, sometimes I think I should just keep my mouth shut, it's true.
Did you see that "YA Twitter" brouhaha that's making the new cycle? Wow, talk about using your powers for evil...

JetFueledCar · Aug 17, 2017

First of all, that article makes me a sad kitten, but I've had the discussion in another thread. It did convince me to quietly set aside one of my projects, but not in a bad way. Just in a way that maybe that isn't the story I should be focusing my attention on right now.

Second of all, BRAIN CAN WE STICK WITH ONE STORY LONG ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY WRITE THE OPENING SENTENCE? PLEASE? PLEASE???

Oh yeah. I've spent the last week or two going "Oh hey, remember this story I was writing?" and then the next day "Okay but THIS one." And all of them, ALL of them, require hefty edits and brainstorming before I can even put words on the page.

I think I finally figured out what to do with Alice, though. Who is one of the most ambitious stand-alone works I've ever attempted. (My series get progressively more ambitious as you trace my writing history. We don't talk about them much.) Now if I could please just STICK WITH IT long enough to do LITERALLY ANYTHING.

*sighs @ self*

prairie · Sep 13, 2017

When I'm in that place, I go to my "idea file" and see if there is something new I can start. Sometimes it also helps to take time away from writing and have a long reading period, just to give yourself a break.

Stories, stories, everywhere, and not a one to write.

JetFueledCar

tiny hedgehog

Layla Nahar

Seashell Seller

JetFueledCar

tiny hedgehog

froglivers

JetFueledCar

tiny hedgehog

veinglory

volitare nequeo

froglivers

JetFueledCar

tiny hedgehog

prairie