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Thread: [Closed] Looking to beta swap (finished epic fantasy novel, ~112k words)

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  1. #3
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    28
    Hi Evonus!

    Just a couple of thoughts on the query. All of the reading and studying query-writing over the last two years reveals a few fairly hard and fast rules if we are to believe them. The query must be even better written and more succinct than the novel. It should be as short as it can possibly be and still convey a strong message, and have zero redundant words. It should also eliminate any words or phrases which illuminate a "given" or "clearly implied" thought or fact.

    I have taken the liberty of offering my thoughts on your query from above, hoping you won't mind some suggestions. Obviously, I offer but you are welcome to peruse or ignore at your whim. Here are my thoughts:

    Evarian spent his life hiding behind his sister, Venisha, but when he’s indicted for using telekinesis, not even she can save him. (eliminate one word by “even she cannot save him”) On his knees before Magnus, the pontiff and prime judge, (eliminate four words by changing to “Pontiff Magnus”) Evarian begs for mercy, swearing that his use of the forbidden art was unwitting and that he would (eliminate three words by changing to “to”) never do it again. Magnus scoffs at Evarian’s pleas (unnecessary as “Evarian’s pleas” are a given and redundant) and condemns him.

    Venisha liberates Evarian before his sentence can be carried out (eliminate four words by inserting “execution” which is a stronger word), but she pays for (eliminate three words by using “buying”) his freedom with her life. Clutching his sister’s corpse, Evarian swears that there will be no more crying or hiding (eliminate eight words by using “grows up”); Magnus will to pay for what he’s done. But Magnus is an immortal sorcerer who commands an empire of zealots, and Evarian has no idea how to control his telekinetic abilities.

    Journeying the countryside, Evarian rescues other victims of Magnus’ perverted justice and offers (eliminate one word by using “offering”) them freedom from persecution if they’ll fight for him. As full-scale war erupts with Magnus, -end sentence, new sentence- factions emerge with Evarian's militia-- (replace with comma) threatening to tear apart everything he has built. Thus, Evarian must unify his flock (replace ‘flock’, which implies peaceful sheep, with ‘troops’ or "fighters"), through any means necessary,(eliminate phrase as redundant and given) or face extinction by the fiend that (using “that” makes “murdered” the focus. The focus is actually “the fiend” so replace “that” with “who”) murdered his sister.


    NEW QUERY
    Evarian spent his life hiding behind his sister, Venisha, but when he’s indicted for using telekinesis, even she cannot save him. On his knees before Pontiff Magnus, Evarian begs for mercy, swearing his use of the forbidden art was unwitting and to never do it again. Magnus scoffs and condemns him.

    Venisha liberates Evarian before his execution, buying his freedom with her life. Clutching his sister’s corpse, Evarian grows up (matures?). There will be no more crying or hiding; Magnus will pay for what he’s done. But Magnus is an immortal sorcerer who commands an empire of zealots, and Evarian has no idea how to control his telekinetic abilities.

    Journeying the countryside, Evarian rescues other victims of Magnus’ perverted justice, offering them freedom from persecution if they’ll fight for him. A full-scale war erupts with Magnus. Factions emerge within Evarian's militia, threatening to tear apart everything he has built. Evarian must unify his troops or face extinction by the fiend who murdered his sister.

    Now at 163 words. Based on the guideline of 200 to 250 words for a good query length, you now have almost 90 words to play with in adding illuminating or clarifying detail.
    Again, offered with helpful intentions.
    mongo
    Last edited by mongo; 09-03-2017 at 05:46 PM.

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