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Thread: A Poetic Novella: Love Poem 1 + 2 (Feedback is much appreciated)

  1. #1
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    12

    A Poetic Novella: Love Poem 1 + 2 (Feedback is much appreciated)

    Zero

    A blinding light bewilders me.
    From the hands of the Almighty,
    On a good Friday,
    They deliver me.

    All in white, I am clean.
    They place me in your grasp,
    And with a gasp,
    I am the greatest miracle you’ve ever seen.

    Eye to eye
    And face to face,
    With a mother's embrace,
    No heaven on earth can satisfy.

    “From this moment, until my end,
    I’ll bestow, onto you, my insight.
    And I'll guide you into the light.
    But from then, only you may transcend.

    This world is in constant adaptation.
    So, please, have conscientious nature
    And remember, have immaculate portraiture.
    For you’re my Samuel, my son.”





    The First Day: Six

    As I climb inside that yellow bus,
    Being ok, is a pretense.
    I grow a little upset as my throat grows tense,
    Yet I press hard against the window for waving is a must.

    She stands, waving at every window.
    A smile painted on her face.
    These painful moments, you wish you could erase.
    Don’t cry, my hero.

    The bus pulls away and into the school.
    Thousands of kids,
    Are packed in like pigs,
    None bothering to be cool.

    We’re crammed twenty-five to a room,
    But there she sits, in a glow,
    in front of me, in the second row.
    My insides begin to spume.

    Her red ponytail
    And the missing two-front teeth,
    Beauty on top and beneath,
    You’re a true fairy tale.

    And to my right,
    A boy, slouched with great sough.
    His name is Joe,
    Large and with great height.

    The day moves sluggishly.
    From lunch to art,
    Joe’s told to take part;
    alternatively, the red head moves cunningly.

    The clock strikes three-thirty.
    All the kids rush to the buses;
    I don’t know what the fuss is.
    Most of them scream like banshees.


    The trip home is lifelong
    And when the bus halts at my stop,
    I hug you until the heavens cry. You say, “Ah! A raindrop!”
    Then you sing, “You Are My Sunshine,” my favorite song.

    To escape the rain,
    We run inside.
    We sit and dry
    Until tomorrow -- when we start again.


    To continue reading, please click on the link ---> http://absolutewrite.com/forums/show...5#post10178345
    Last edited by yujelles; 06-18-2017 at 06:38 AM.

  2. #2
    Mentoring Myself and Others Debbie V's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    2,890
    I just wanted to double check that you're aware that his is a public section of the boards. Work posted here is considered published and, therefore, hard to sell elsewhere. If you're seeking critique with the idea of publishing this in the future, ask a moderator to move your threads to the poetry critique area. I only ask because you're seeking feedback and your post count indicates you might not be familiar with the nuances of AW or the industry.

    I see you have these up in the crit boards already. Hopefully that means you've asked for them to be removed here already. Good luck with them.
    Last edited by Debbie V; 06-08-2017 at 10:28 PM. Reason: Additional info discovered.

  3. #3
    New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    12
    Is it wrong to get exposure? I post my poetry, which I'm very passionate about, yet fearful of others reading it, in hopes of getting another, higher up, author, hopefully someone like James Patterson, to notice me and want to contribute ideas with and make a best seller.

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